It's been a long while since I posted. Moving in was a busy process as was trying to unpack and address house issues while maintaining normalcy for the kids. A true juggling act.
House issues withstanding, it's been nice to have the extra room indoors, separate bedrooms for the kids, and space outside to play, plant and just roam. This year we didn't head to Idyllwild for the holidays for the first time in 10+ years. With recent cash outlays, we decided that a stay-cation might be best especially since V. is gone M-F.
To catch up since we've moved in, D. started talking a lot. He loves to sing with me at naptime and bedtime, "You are my sunshine" and "Twinkle twinkle little star". But now we are able to have conversations about things that happened during the day or just things in general. It's amazing to watch him pause to think of how to say something and his love of books has exploded. It's become one of his favorite things now. He now has moved into swim classes by himself which makes my heart sad but so proud as I watch him excel on his own.
I. is doing great in school. We've been having some challenges at home but I'm hoping that may get better with a combination of things. She loves her daddy and her brother that is for certain and I think she may love her mommy but that is not quite so certain thanks to my "enforcer" status.
With a new year on the horizon, I've been thinking about a goal for 2014. This is the one that jumped to the front of my mind: expressing appreciation/gratitude/thanks. I read something that said that in order for children to learn this trait, they really need to see it modeled. Since this is definitely not a trait that V. shares, it's up to me to model it for my kids and it happens to be a major character trait I'd like to see in my kids. One idea I had was taking a stack of post it notes and labeling them "I appreciate/thank you for" and having them out for all of us to write short notes of appreciation to each other daily or throughout the week to develop an attitude of gratitude. I'm hoping it will help.
I.'s school is going to start a book club in the new year with a book called, "The Christian Parenting Handbook" by Dr. Scott Turanksy and Joanne Miller, RN BSN. They announced it in the weekly newsletter and I read an excerpt on Amazon and it really spoke to me. I think it will be vastly helpful so I ordered it and look forward to reading it and applying what I learn. That's always the hard part right, applying what you read.
A good start to a new year.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
It's Official
It's official that I am close to losing my mind. Two escrows going on at one time, both with various issues and fires that need to be put out. One sick toddler. One moody grade schooler. Details and coordinations coming out my wazoo. My wazoo is tired.
It's also official that in my next life if I enter the home buying process, I'm coming back as my husband who has not had to do one iota of the details to get this to happen. Not including of course the most important thing which is bringing home the bacon. I get it. But let me marinate in my bitterness.
He can't even make it for signing the loan docs I mean COME ON! It's not that he doesn't care or maybe he really doesn't care but not in a bad way. In the way of "I'm working 80 hours with my own problems that you don't have to solve so please take care of the home decisions that are WAY more important to you than they are to me." Still. And last night he really stepped in it and started laughing at my very first status report making me feel like I was a naïve, gullible idiot who just fell for the biggest trick in the book. I cut this man a lot of slack sometimes and we use a lot of humor to diffuse situations but he just made me mad, damn mad. And when I heard his voice this morning when I. was talking to him on the phone on her way to school, I was still mad. Come to think of it, I'm mad now and he hasn't even called for the night. I feel alone in this overwhelming process and as of last night, I feel like my partner thinks I'm falling for every scheme in the book. The sad thing was I was going to tell him all the deals I got thanks to much research and conniving.
We'll see what happens tonight.
It's also official that in my next life if I enter the home buying process, I'm coming back as my husband who has not had to do one iota of the details to get this to happen. Not including of course the most important thing which is bringing home the bacon. I get it. But let me marinate in my bitterness.
He can't even make it for signing the loan docs I mean COME ON! It's not that he doesn't care or maybe he really doesn't care but not in a bad way. In the way of "I'm working 80 hours with my own problems that you don't have to solve so please take care of the home decisions that are WAY more important to you than they are to me." Still. And last night he really stepped in it and started laughing at my very first status report making me feel like I was a naïve, gullible idiot who just fell for the biggest trick in the book. I cut this man a lot of slack sometimes and we use a lot of humor to diffuse situations but he just made me mad, damn mad. And when I heard his voice this morning when I. was talking to him on the phone on her way to school, I was still mad. Come to think of it, I'm mad now and he hasn't even called for the night. I feel alone in this overwhelming process and as of last night, I feel like my partner thinks I'm falling for every scheme in the book. The sad thing was I was going to tell him all the deals I got thanks to much research and conniving.
We'll see what happens tonight.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Quick Update
After going to bed pissed off and waking up wondering what the heck the day would bring, my phone rang at 8:45 and it was our realtor telling us we got the house. I'm excited but still holding my breath because we still have the appraisal hurdle for the house we are selling. At the earliest we may get the report tomorrow. If not, then Monday. Regardless, we are forging ahead with our home inspection of our purchase Saturday morning. I'll take the kiddos with me once the now sick D. wakes up from morning nap and Sunday my parents are going to come over to go see our new home with me and the kiddos. Even though it is in move in ready condition, there are still things that have to be done and coordinated and measured, ie. window coverings before we move in, hopefully a month from now.
My head is swirling and I am really trying to organize things but it's difficult. I was supposed to go to dinner with a momma friend tonight but the sitter cancelled at 3pm and with V. being gone for 2 weeks, I'm stuck. Really sucks because I could have used some fun and relaxation with all this that is going on.
Fingers crossed for the appraisal report and acceptance.
On the family front, D. is sick with a cold but we went to the zoo for a short time today anyways for distraction. I. got put in the doghouse for her attitude and behavior - still struggling to navigate her.
My head is swirling and I am really trying to organize things but it's difficult. I was supposed to go to dinner with a momma friend tonight but the sitter cancelled at 3pm and with V. being gone for 2 weeks, I'm stuck. Really sucks because I could have used some fun and relaxation with all this that is going on.
Fingers crossed for the appraisal report and acceptance.
On the family front, D. is sick with a cold but we went to the zoo for a short time today anyways for distraction. I. got put in the doghouse for her attitude and behavior - still struggling to navigate her.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Really Aggravated
We heard from the other agent that he sent our revised offer and letter but that the client would be in meetings until 3pm. The appraiser came at 9am for our place and let us know in no uncertain terms that the most recent 3 bedroom comp in our complex aka the fire sale was going to hurt our appraisal. These jerk offs listed it for $365K and sold it for the same in one day. No big surprise since the 2 bedrooms in our complex are going for $385K. What an asshole. So now we will have to wait until at least Friday to find out if we're going to be in trouble with selling this place.
Our agent called at 4:15 and said she needed me to resign our offer immediately because she had had us sign in the wrong place but that the other agent said they were signing tonight and that it was basically a done deal. Well, it's now 8:15 and we haven't heard anything and to be honest, I am really aggravated. It just seems like this whole process has been nothing if not difficult and I'm over it. Either sign or don't sign but the deadline was noon and this is just stupid. Plus about an hour ago, I realized that I didn't notice if this place had AC. Redfin website says it does but our agent thinks it didn't which aggravates me because that's $2,500 right off the bat.
On top of it, the DVR was acting up so I turned off the tv and turned it back on to see if that would fix it and now it just has white static showing up. I tried everything I knew to fix it to no avail and V. is not responding to my text message even though it's after 11pm in DC. By the time he calls me, he'll be of no use since he'll probably have had many drinks with his boss/co workers. Being that he's out of town for the next 2 weeks, I've got to get this working.
On the plus side, I'm supposed to have dinner with a friend tomorrow evening but even that may be in jeopardy.
I'd just like one thing in my life to go simply and smoothly, is that really too much to ask?
Our agent called at 4:15 and said she needed me to resign our offer immediately because she had had us sign in the wrong place but that the other agent said they were signing tonight and that it was basically a done deal. Well, it's now 8:15 and we haven't heard anything and to be honest, I am really aggravated. It just seems like this whole process has been nothing if not difficult and I'm over it. Either sign or don't sign but the deadline was noon and this is just stupid. Plus about an hour ago, I realized that I didn't notice if this place had AC. Redfin website says it does but our agent thinks it didn't which aggravates me because that's $2,500 right off the bat.
On top of it, the DVR was acting up so I turned off the tv and turned it back on to see if that would fix it and now it just has white static showing up. I tried everything I knew to fix it to no avail and V. is not responding to my text message even though it's after 11pm in DC. By the time he calls me, he'll be of no use since he'll probably have had many drinks with his boss/co workers. Being that he's out of town for the next 2 weeks, I've got to get this working.
On the plus side, I'm supposed to have dinner with a friend tomorrow evening but even that may be in jeopardy.
I'd just like one thing in my life to go simply and smoothly, is that really too much to ask?
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
The Eye of the Storm
This past week has been off the charts. In four days, I looked at 20 houses. So much of it is exhausting - the hope that rises up and then crashes down with everything is yuck or a no go, the effort it takes to schedule and try to arrange for sitters when necessary to see as many houses as possible, trying to corral D. when we're in houses that are not vacant, and then handpicking the top ones and going to see them with V. and family to see if one fits. The big rush is that if we don't find one by tomorrow we're risking having to sell our house and move into a short term rental with hopes of finding a house. Not something I really want to consider with 2 little kids and 2 cats.
Yesterday we set out to look at an additional 3 houses after a disappointing weekend of looking at houses. To compound it all, V. is gone until basically October 12th. Our realtor and I set out yesterday morning and to be honest, I wasn't feeling hopeful. In fact, I had an emotional hangover. Granted I was agonizing over this one property that we really liked but which just felt small. I decided the night before that if this was my consistent impression of this house, I didn't want to walk into it every time for the next 30 years and have that be my first thought. Once I realized that fact and that this was not the right house, I felt good about it until I realized I was back to square one and we had 3 days to make this whole concurrent thing happen.
First place was a bust but then we went to the next place, a place I almost missed in my automated list and had forwarded the night before to the realtor at 10:30 to say "let's look at this". We walked in and my initial thought was wow and I continued moving through it, I kept thinking "this is it, this is the one" which after looking at now over 75 houses I haven't had screaming through my brain. Also turns out that the agent is a long time acquaintance of my realtor and as I was looking through it, she was talking on the phone with him. V. was still in town yesterday and was able to come home early so we grabbed the kids and all went to see. I. was so excited to see the big room that would be her bedroom and watching them run laughing and screaming in the backyard was a dream come true. Well almost a dream come true since it's still not ours. Long story short, we made an offer this morning and sweetened it tonight because there is a cash buyer out there trying to get it but at a low ball price. We'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if we've got it. It may be another Lunesta kind of night and Xanax kind of day. All this not to mention the activities of our house being sold ie. the inspections, appraisal, repair requests, etc., normal life, volunteering at I.'s school, and V. being gone for awhile...
However while the storm swirled around all week, I had a peaceful, joyous moment when I got D. up last night before I went to bed because he was battling a bad diaper rash. I changed him in our room and then impulsively just laid him in bed with me, snuggling him up against me on his side with my arms around him. He took a deep breath of me and instantly fell back asleep and we lay like that for about 30 minutes. He would move around but ultimately ended up on his side, face burrowed in my chest with his arm thrown across me as he dreamed. I lay there awake, smelling the top of his head, listening to his breathing, and feeling the weight of his body against mine. I knew that I was being selfish to keep him with me for half an hour and then put him back to bed because interrupted sleep is no fun (I would know) but with all this craziness, this quietness and reconnecting with D. is just what I needed. It brought us back to those nursing days in the darkness of the late night and early morning. Judging by how relaxed he was and how he didn't even wake up when I put him back in the crib, I don't think it messed up his sleep too much. And for the first time in a couple of weeks, I was able to sleep through the night without Lunesta or constant night terrors. I swear, the only time I have ever slept without nightmares has been when I've been nursing or now it seems, snuggling with my little one right before I go to sleep. That is pretty amazing from a physiological point of view if you think about it.
Prayers that our offer is accepted tomorrow morning and we can be excited without fear of disappointment.
Yesterday we set out to look at an additional 3 houses after a disappointing weekend of looking at houses. To compound it all, V. is gone until basically October 12th. Our realtor and I set out yesterday morning and to be honest, I wasn't feeling hopeful. In fact, I had an emotional hangover. Granted I was agonizing over this one property that we really liked but which just felt small. I decided the night before that if this was my consistent impression of this house, I didn't want to walk into it every time for the next 30 years and have that be my first thought. Once I realized that fact and that this was not the right house, I felt good about it until I realized I was back to square one and we had 3 days to make this whole concurrent thing happen.
First place was a bust but then we went to the next place, a place I almost missed in my automated list and had forwarded the night before to the realtor at 10:30 to say "let's look at this". We walked in and my initial thought was wow and I continued moving through it, I kept thinking "this is it, this is the one" which after looking at now over 75 houses I haven't had screaming through my brain. Also turns out that the agent is a long time acquaintance of my realtor and as I was looking through it, she was talking on the phone with him. V. was still in town yesterday and was able to come home early so we grabbed the kids and all went to see. I. was so excited to see the big room that would be her bedroom and watching them run laughing and screaming in the backyard was a dream come true. Well almost a dream come true since it's still not ours. Long story short, we made an offer this morning and sweetened it tonight because there is a cash buyer out there trying to get it but at a low ball price. We'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if we've got it. It may be another Lunesta kind of night and Xanax kind of day. All this not to mention the activities of our house being sold ie. the inspections, appraisal, repair requests, etc., normal life, volunteering at I.'s school, and V. being gone for awhile...
However while the storm swirled around all week, I had a peaceful, joyous moment when I got D. up last night before I went to bed because he was battling a bad diaper rash. I changed him in our room and then impulsively just laid him in bed with me, snuggling him up against me on his side with my arms around him. He took a deep breath of me and instantly fell back asleep and we lay like that for about 30 minutes. He would move around but ultimately ended up on his side, face burrowed in my chest with his arm thrown across me as he dreamed. I lay there awake, smelling the top of his head, listening to his breathing, and feeling the weight of his body against mine. I knew that I was being selfish to keep him with me for half an hour and then put him back to bed because interrupted sleep is no fun (I would know) but with all this craziness, this quietness and reconnecting with D. is just what I needed. It brought us back to those nursing days in the darkness of the late night and early morning. Judging by how relaxed he was and how he didn't even wake up when I put him back in the crib, I don't think it messed up his sleep too much. And for the first time in a couple of weeks, I was able to sleep through the night without Lunesta or constant night terrors. I swear, the only time I have ever slept without nightmares has been when I've been nursing or now it seems, snuggling with my little one right before I go to sleep. That is pretty amazing from a physiological point of view if you think about it.
Prayers that our offer is accepted tomorrow morning and we can be excited without fear of disappointment.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Swirling
I just don't have the energy to go into all the details of the last week and a half. There just is so much going on and it's no surprise that my dreams and nightmares are alive and well.
To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad. Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there. I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't. Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month. Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit. I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support. Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments. What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable. At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with. Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far. Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable. It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.
A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her. She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother. Another reason for having more than one kid! But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet. But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this.
As of today we are in escrow. We'll see if the third time is a charm. As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly. Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us. The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like. Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.
Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday. Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain. Horrible! I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better. The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis. Yeah, just a small thing.
So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats. Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home. While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for: a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on. I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks. It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.
To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad. Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there. I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't. Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month. Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit. I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support. Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments. What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable. At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with. Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far. Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable. It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.
A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her. She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother. Another reason for having more than one kid! But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet. But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this.
As of today we are in escrow. We'll see if the third time is a charm. As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly. Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us. The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like. Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.
Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday. Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain. Horrible! I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better. The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis. Yeah, just a small thing.
So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats. Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home. While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for: a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on. I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks. It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Last Days of Summer
The last four days of summer were good, full of fun but went by far too quickly.
Day 74...we went to Meet the Teacher day first thing in the morning so we would have the rest of our day. I. already knows her teacher and likes her and having only 12 children in the class, all of whom she knows from first grade, makes me happy. Especially since those two girls are no longer in the class and won't cause drama. I., D., and I went down to the pool for a while and ate lunch down there too. It was so warm that the cool water felt great and D. had a blast jumping off the stairs over and over again. Thanks to the swim lessons this summer, I. is swimming like a fish now and I no longer have to worry about her looking like she's on the verge of drowning.
Day 75 was Saturday and I. went to a school friend's birthday pool party and had a good time. We finished off the day with our normal linner.
Day 76 we went to the park specifically so that V. could help get I. riding without training wheels. Too bad it was so stinking warm but they persisted and right before I was wondering whether it was actually going to happen, she took off across the grass and even made a turn! I was so proud and she was really excited. I'm glad I insisted that V. participate as part of his father role. It's a day she'll always remember and that makes me happy.
Day 77 was Labor Day and we all went down to our pool for a couple of hours for lunch and swimming. For dinner, we went to a barbecue restaurant because you have to have barbecue for the last day of summer vacation and we don't have a barbecue. Kept thinking the house would sell quickly and it would be one less thing to move so we never bought one. Still keeping the hope alive but some days it's hard.
This was one of our best summers - full of fun activities, new experiences, and good memories. It made it hard for me to have I. go back to school because we did have so much fun but I'd much rather that than feeling relieved that she's gone back. It makes daily weekday life simpler but I miss her, I really do.
Day 74...we went to Meet the Teacher day first thing in the morning so we would have the rest of our day. I. already knows her teacher and likes her and having only 12 children in the class, all of whom she knows from first grade, makes me happy. Especially since those two girls are no longer in the class and won't cause drama. I., D., and I went down to the pool for a while and ate lunch down there too. It was so warm that the cool water felt great and D. had a blast jumping off the stairs over and over again. Thanks to the swim lessons this summer, I. is swimming like a fish now and I no longer have to worry about her looking like she's on the verge of drowning.
Day 75 was Saturday and I. went to a school friend's birthday pool party and had a good time. We finished off the day with our normal linner.
Day 76 we went to the park specifically so that V. could help get I. riding without training wheels. Too bad it was so stinking warm but they persisted and right before I was wondering whether it was actually going to happen, she took off across the grass and even made a turn! I was so proud and she was really excited. I'm glad I insisted that V. participate as part of his father role. It's a day she'll always remember and that makes me happy.
Day 77 was Labor Day and we all went down to our pool for a couple of hours for lunch and swimming. For dinner, we went to a barbecue restaurant because you have to have barbecue for the last day of summer vacation and we don't have a barbecue. Kept thinking the house would sell quickly and it would be one less thing to move so we never bought one. Still keeping the hope alive but some days it's hard.
This was one of our best summers - full of fun activities, new experiences, and good memories. It made it hard for me to have I. go back to school because we did have so much fun but I'd much rather that than feeling relieved that she's gone back. It makes daily weekday life simpler but I miss her, I really do.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Day 73
This was supposed to be a post about how I took D. to LEGOLAND waterpark and then picked I. up from my parents after her couple of days with them. So let's address what the post was supposed to be about: D. and I had a good time together at the waterpark. Another day of no tantrums, no angst and just fun all the way around. I. was tired when I picked her up thanks to my parents getting her in bed late both nights but I'm hoping that she gets some restful sleep tonight so that we can enjoy our last summer weekday tomorrow. Still deciding what we are going to do but am leaning towards going to the beach all together one last time...
Now for the bizarre part of this post. On the way to LEGOLAND today, I remembered that I had had a dream about Mark last night and though I couldn't remember specifics, I remembered that I had had it. Fast forward to two hours into our waterpark visit and I'm standing watching D. play. A couple of other little boys start playing next to D. and as I'm looking at them, Mark pops into my mind front and center. It takes me by surprise because I'm not sure why but then think maybe it's because I'm watching little boys play which reminds me of Mark's little boy. A couple of minutes later, I glance about 4 feet from me and see Mark's wife/widow and I realize that the little boy playing next to D. is Mark's son! Since she cut me out of their lives once Mark was gone, I got my fill of looking at him before I said hello. She didn't realize it was me at first and it was awkward to say the least. She did eventually talk to me but that's not what's important. What sticks in my mind is how his eyes were Mark's (which is what made me think of him) and when she said, "Show Papa's friend your Papa smile," and he smiled and it was that little joyful smile of Mark. I know I should have felt happiness that this was his son and he was obviously a thriving, happy kid but instead I just felt a deep, bone-ache grief and the loss like a knife was just shoved through my heart. Tonight I just let go and felt the sadness as memories of us came flooding in and I really think that although I may be coping well overall, I would be coping better if Mark was still here. We just had a way of being there for one another without expectations that created a calming confidence within each other. I think that lack of expectations was due to being great friends and nothing further, it left all the rest of it out.
With the dream, my glance at his son without realizing it was him, and then his son smiling his smile of Mark's at me, it was like Mark caught my mind, my eye, and then my heart respectively. I'm praying that I will see him again and miss my friend terribly.
Now for the bizarre part of this post. On the way to LEGOLAND today, I remembered that I had had a dream about Mark last night and though I couldn't remember specifics, I remembered that I had had it. Fast forward to two hours into our waterpark visit and I'm standing watching D. play. A couple of other little boys start playing next to D. and as I'm looking at them, Mark pops into my mind front and center. It takes me by surprise because I'm not sure why but then think maybe it's because I'm watching little boys play which reminds me of Mark's little boy. A couple of minutes later, I glance about 4 feet from me and see Mark's wife/widow and I realize that the little boy playing next to D. is Mark's son! Since she cut me out of their lives once Mark was gone, I got my fill of looking at him before I said hello. She didn't realize it was me at first and it was awkward to say the least. She did eventually talk to me but that's not what's important. What sticks in my mind is how his eyes were Mark's (which is what made me think of him) and when she said, "Show Papa's friend your Papa smile," and he smiled and it was that little joyful smile of Mark. I know I should have felt happiness that this was his son and he was obviously a thriving, happy kid but instead I just felt a deep, bone-ache grief and the loss like a knife was just shoved through my heart. Tonight I just let go and felt the sadness as memories of us came flooding in and I really think that although I may be coping well overall, I would be coping better if Mark was still here. We just had a way of being there for one another without expectations that created a calming confidence within each other. I think that lack of expectations was due to being great friends and nothing further, it left all the rest of it out.
With the dream, my glance at his son without realizing it was him, and then his son smiling his smile of Mark's at me, it was like Mark caught my mind, my eye, and then my heart respectively. I'm praying that I will see him again and miss my friend terribly.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Day 72
Slept like crap last night thanks to the warm evening. When I woke up at 5:45, I turned on the monitor and could hear D. babbling happily and hoped he would stay awake until 6:30 when the alarm was going off. He did and it was so nice to open the door and see his happy little face as he was standing up in the crib facing the door.
I decided that our outing after his morning nap would be a trolley adventure since he was so excited about that before. We caught the trolley at Qualcomm and rode it for 30 minutes to Seaport Village. Lately he's been really good about holding my hand and walking so I decided to take a chance and not try to lug the stroller onto the trolley. It worked out perfectly. He happily sat on my lap on the way there and then held my hand as we walked the half mile to the pancake restaurant downtown. He enjoyed his blueberry pancakes and I enjoyed my pecan pancakes and while we were eating, he kept making the sign for train to verify that we were going to go on the train again. Then we walked back to the station and enjoyed the return trip.
It was so nice to have my little guy resting against me, feeling his baby fingers search for my fingers and hold tightly when the trolley noises were a little intense or as the number of people grew. It was soothing for both of us. I am so thankful that we have found/created physical moments/routines of closeness that has really forged a bridge from our nursing days. There were a few months where we were floundering and trying to find our way, mostly because I was trying to be sensitive and not remind him that we were no longer nursing. And maybe that was necessary for those first couple of months out from nursing. But now, I'm no longer concerned that he's missing it and now we are truly reconnecting in a way that can continue for a long time. Such a relief.
I decided that our outing after his morning nap would be a trolley adventure since he was so excited about that before. We caught the trolley at Qualcomm and rode it for 30 minutes to Seaport Village. Lately he's been really good about holding my hand and walking so I decided to take a chance and not try to lug the stroller onto the trolley. It worked out perfectly. He happily sat on my lap on the way there and then held my hand as we walked the half mile to the pancake restaurant downtown. He enjoyed his blueberry pancakes and I enjoyed my pecan pancakes and while we were eating, he kept making the sign for train to verify that we were going to go on the train again. Then we walked back to the station and enjoyed the return trip.
It was so nice to have my little guy resting against me, feeling his baby fingers search for my fingers and hold tightly when the trolley noises were a little intense or as the number of people grew. It was soothing for both of us. I am so thankful that we have found/created physical moments/routines of closeness that has really forged a bridge from our nursing days. There were a few months where we were floundering and trying to find our way, mostly because I was trying to be sensitive and not remind him that we were no longer nursing. And maybe that was necessary for those first couple of months out from nursing. But now, I'm no longer concerned that he's missing it and now we are truly reconnecting in a way that can continue for a long time. Such a relief.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Back in the Days
If D. wasn't going to wake up around 5:15 or possibly earlier, I'd go and sleep in I.'s bed. I miss going to sleep knowing he was in my room. Of course, some of the time he was in my room especially when he was getting up to nurse throughout the night, I daydreamed of closing the bedroom door and having the room to myself. At least with D. being my second one, I recognized I was going to miss him being in my room even while I simultaneously had my daydreams, leading me to appreciate those tiring but memorable days.
I am looking forward to opening the door and being the first person he sees in the morning...it's been about 14 months since I had that honor.
I am looking forward to opening the door and being the first person he sees in the morning...it's been about 14 months since I had that honor.
Days 67-71
Can't believe it's the last week of summer vacation for I. It really has been a great summer and when I think of her going back to school, my eyes tear up. But that's a good thing.
Last Friday, day 67, was a normal get things done kind of day. All week our realtor has been going back and forth with some people and we finally agreed to their counter to our counter and I signed the contract that night to open escrow on Monday. Pretty exciting.
Saturday I went for a vigorous hike at the lake while D. was sleeping and then instead of heading to the gym, I surprised my brother by showing up for a few hours at a karate tournament being held in San Diego. We'll leave the conniving girlfriend out of this story for sake of time and say that it turned out fine after some annoying moments and he and I finally have a lunch together on our calendars to look forward to. Big hugs and a kiss and good feelings between us when I left and that is what is important. At the nighttime event, the girlfriend pissed off my mom big time and my dad too so we've got to somehow get her out of here. That being said, this is the first girlfriend of his (and he's had many) that we do not like. All the others became part of the family.
Sunday, I surprised I. with going ice skating just the two of us. During the school year she had a field trip to the rink and really liked it so had been asking about it for awhile. I was kind of concerned for myself since I hadn't ice skated in 30 years or so. Gosh that makes me sound older than dirt and I certainly don't feel like that! It appears to be like riding a bike and I didn't fall and even was able to maintain my balance while keeping I. upright which was difficult most of the time. She had a good time and even though my foot felt like it had a bone bruise most of the time, I enjoyed her enjoying our time.
Saturday night our realtor said that the people who were buying our home wanting to come and see it again on Sunday so we of course said sure but I had a bad feeling about it. So bad that on Monday morning, I texted our agent to verify that we were going into escrow that morning. Come to find out, now the buyers weren't sure if the layout would work for their young children and ultimately they pulled out. I was so pissed off since my understanding is that you make up your mind BEFORE you sign a contract, not after. On Friday I had spent time on the phone with our lender working out details and getting him more info in preparation for going out and making offers. But no, back to the drawing board we go. On a good note, we all went to swim class together (the last one for all 3 of us) and I.'s orthodontic consultation went well with us being told she wouldn't need to worry about anything until she's 12 or so. Even then, it doesn't sound like it's going to be a huge thing so that is great.
Today we finally had Melissa's birthday brunch and it went fantastic. My parents came over and picked up I. for a few days by herself with them so that they can do things that they can't do when D. is over there, ie. LEGOLAND and a movie. So D. and I were on our own this afternoon. We went grocery shopping where he had a piece of cheddar cheese, was offered a banana from the fruit guy and then conned his way into a slice of avocado. Pretty awesome trip for him! Then we came home for a late rest and then since I didn't need to get him in bed until 5:45, when I got him up we went over to the lake for a bike ride - over 5 miles in about 35 minutes. Not bad. It's amazing how simple it is to get one kid in the bath and bed. Like a cake walk!
Trying to figure out some different activities we might do tomorrow since I don't know how his sleep schedule is going to go. When I. is here, once he wakes up in the morning, he stays up because she's up and turning on the light. However, without her, he may fall back to sleep. I plan on getting up 30 minutes earlier to see if I can catch him before he falls back asleep because then our day won't be broken in half by a long nap. I'm not sure it will work, thus the multiple activities that I can mix and match. Regardless, it should be a good day.
Last Friday, day 67, was a normal get things done kind of day. All week our realtor has been going back and forth with some people and we finally agreed to their counter to our counter and I signed the contract that night to open escrow on Monday. Pretty exciting.
Saturday I went for a vigorous hike at the lake while D. was sleeping and then instead of heading to the gym, I surprised my brother by showing up for a few hours at a karate tournament being held in San Diego. We'll leave the conniving girlfriend out of this story for sake of time and say that it turned out fine after some annoying moments and he and I finally have a lunch together on our calendars to look forward to. Big hugs and a kiss and good feelings between us when I left and that is what is important. At the nighttime event, the girlfriend pissed off my mom big time and my dad too so we've got to somehow get her out of here. That being said, this is the first girlfriend of his (and he's had many) that we do not like. All the others became part of the family.
Sunday, I surprised I. with going ice skating just the two of us. During the school year she had a field trip to the rink and really liked it so had been asking about it for awhile. I was kind of concerned for myself since I hadn't ice skated in 30 years or so. Gosh that makes me sound older than dirt and I certainly don't feel like that! It appears to be like riding a bike and I didn't fall and even was able to maintain my balance while keeping I. upright which was difficult most of the time. She had a good time and even though my foot felt like it had a bone bruise most of the time, I enjoyed her enjoying our time.
Saturday night our realtor said that the people who were buying our home wanting to come and see it again on Sunday so we of course said sure but I had a bad feeling about it. So bad that on Monday morning, I texted our agent to verify that we were going into escrow that morning. Come to find out, now the buyers weren't sure if the layout would work for their young children and ultimately they pulled out. I was so pissed off since my understanding is that you make up your mind BEFORE you sign a contract, not after. On Friday I had spent time on the phone with our lender working out details and getting him more info in preparation for going out and making offers. But no, back to the drawing board we go. On a good note, we all went to swim class together (the last one for all 3 of us) and I.'s orthodontic consultation went well with us being told she wouldn't need to worry about anything until she's 12 or so. Even then, it doesn't sound like it's going to be a huge thing so that is great.
Today we finally had Melissa's birthday brunch and it went fantastic. My parents came over and picked up I. for a few days by herself with them so that they can do things that they can't do when D. is over there, ie. LEGOLAND and a movie. So D. and I were on our own this afternoon. We went grocery shopping where he had a piece of cheddar cheese, was offered a banana from the fruit guy and then conned his way into a slice of avocado. Pretty awesome trip for him! Then we came home for a late rest and then since I didn't need to get him in bed until 5:45, when I got him up we went over to the lake for a bike ride - over 5 miles in about 35 minutes. Not bad. It's amazing how simple it is to get one kid in the bath and bed. Like a cake walk!
Trying to figure out some different activities we might do tomorrow since I don't know how his sleep schedule is going to go. When I. is here, once he wakes up in the morning, he stays up because she's up and turning on the light. However, without her, he may fall back to sleep. I plan on getting up 30 minutes earlier to see if I can catch him before he falls back asleep because then our day won't be broken in half by a long nap. I'm not sure it will work, thus the multiple activities that I can mix and match. Regardless, it should be a good day.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Day 66
How bad can a day be if you spend 3 hours of it in a bathing suit? Answer is not that bad. I took the kiddos to LEGOLAND Waterpark. D. and I snuck in a visit before I. was out of school to check it out and see if I would be able to do it successfully with both of them. We went down a small slide all together at least 30 times and overall had a good time. Towards the end, D. lost all reason and threw a full scale tantrum but it didn't last that long and since he's 2, I fully expected it. If it had been I., it would have been a different story. But we all enjoyed the slide time and had fun so that is a good day.
Today my dad was able to get to a doctor that I found online who was finally willing to take action and do something to solve his medical problem. They took a pint of blood out this morning and my dad said that his brain already felt better. They will take 3 more pints over the next 4 weeks so hopefully that issue will be resolved.
He and my mom are up in Laguna Beach at the Pageant of the Masters tonight and V. is in Park City, Utah enjoying a big dinner celebration for his new client. I have to admit that I had a moment of loneliness and self pity that I'm here as always on the couch with no one to talk to and all my friends and family are either out and about or home with loved ones. Speaking of that, I'm still trying to nail down actual lunch dates with my brother but it is SO difficult. Makes it hard to not just screw this and give up but then somehow I'll be the bad guy. Why does it seem that I always seem to be the one held most responsible for everything even if others don't uphold their 50% of the deal?
Pisses me off I tell you.
Today my dad was able to get to a doctor that I found online who was finally willing to take action and do something to solve his medical problem. They took a pint of blood out this morning and my dad said that his brain already felt better. They will take 3 more pints over the next 4 weeks so hopefully that issue will be resolved.
He and my mom are up in Laguna Beach at the Pageant of the Masters tonight and V. is in Park City, Utah enjoying a big dinner celebration for his new client. I have to admit that I had a moment of loneliness and self pity that I'm here as always on the couch with no one to talk to and all my friends and family are either out and about or home with loved ones. Speaking of that, I'm still trying to nail down actual lunch dates with my brother but it is SO difficult. Makes it hard to not just screw this and give up but then somehow I'll be the bad guy. Why does it seem that I always seem to be the one held most responsible for everything even if others don't uphold their 50% of the deal?
Pisses me off I tell you.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Days 53-65
I'm so behind on posting for the last couple of weeks. There's been a lot of good going on but unfortunately a lot of bad health ju-ju going on around us as well.
I think I'll just do a summary of the good stuff because there was a lot of it. We had D.'s birthday party and it was fun for him except for the fact that he didn't take his usual nap in the morning and so was pretty fried by the time I brought my homemade birthday cake out. His sisters came down so that made it special. V. did a big time disconnect in the middle of the party which really pissed me off and I had to hash it out with him at a later date. So that was kind of a bummer and also things were so hectic that I didn't even get a picture with my birthday boy which to me was the most upsetting thing. But he had fun and understood presents and toys and unwrapping and that was really fun to see.
We've had plenty of swim classes to enjoy, a beach day, a relaxing playdate with Melissa at her house and a few last days of summer camp at I.'s school. We've looked at plenty of houses in anticipation for our house someday reentering escrow.
Unfortunately I have been feeling anxious this week because my dad's health situation still has not been resolved and I feel as though it's a ticking time bomb. My parents just don't want to deal with health situations until they absolutely have to and it really angers me. I don't know what they are waiting for. But they rely on longtime doctors who are not really reliable and they don't follow up to make sure they are doing their jobs. Is there anything more important than that? And my FIL of course being basically terminally ill with bone cancer. It just makes me so sad. On top of that, Melissa was supposed to come over on Tuesday for her birthday celebration but her mom ended up in the ER and I told Melissa to just bring Caroline over here since her hubby was unavailable until 1ish. That was stressful since they have never left Caroline with anyone other than her mom but I was happy to help so that she could get to her mom's side. But it was stressful and exhausting.
It just feels like I'm surrounded by chaos and uncertainty and it makes my anxiety rise substantially. Hopefully I'll find a way to cope better with all these things that are swirling around and out of my control.
I think I'll just do a summary of the good stuff because there was a lot of it. We had D.'s birthday party and it was fun for him except for the fact that he didn't take his usual nap in the morning and so was pretty fried by the time I brought my homemade birthday cake out. His sisters came down so that made it special. V. did a big time disconnect in the middle of the party which really pissed me off and I had to hash it out with him at a later date. So that was kind of a bummer and also things were so hectic that I didn't even get a picture with my birthday boy which to me was the most upsetting thing. But he had fun and understood presents and toys and unwrapping and that was really fun to see.
We've had plenty of swim classes to enjoy, a beach day, a relaxing playdate with Melissa at her house and a few last days of summer camp at I.'s school. We've looked at plenty of houses in anticipation for our house someday reentering escrow.
Unfortunately I have been feeling anxious this week because my dad's health situation still has not been resolved and I feel as though it's a ticking time bomb. My parents just don't want to deal with health situations until they absolutely have to and it really angers me. I don't know what they are waiting for. But they rely on longtime doctors who are not really reliable and they don't follow up to make sure they are doing their jobs. Is there anything more important than that? And my FIL of course being basically terminally ill with bone cancer. It just makes me so sad. On top of that, Melissa was supposed to come over on Tuesday for her birthday celebration but her mom ended up in the ER and I told Melissa to just bring Caroline over here since her hubby was unavailable until 1ish. That was stressful since they have never left Caroline with anyone other than her mom but I was happy to help so that she could get to her mom's side. But it was stressful and exhausting.
It just feels like I'm surrounded by chaos and uncertainty and it makes my anxiety rise substantially. Hopefully I'll find a way to cope better with all these things that are swirling around and out of my control.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Yucky Conversation
A brief intermission in my "Days of Summer" postings. I've been busy editing the over 200 pictures I had on my camera from the past month/month and a half. It's so time consuming but also is nice because it brings back all the good memories and great pictures of our fun times. But it has derailed me from my summer postings. Planning on doing a catch up shortly.
Today has been an anxiety inducing day and now I'm not looking forward to a conversation with V. when he calls tonight. The lesser of the stresses (kind of) is that my dad has been suffering from polycythemia which is too many red blood cells for about 5 weeks now. That may not sound like a problem but it is, can lead to strokes, blood clots, heart and lung damage etc. They've just been kind of burying their heads like always figuring it would get better so no real rush. Then this morning, he gets out of the shower and looks at his ankles and all his blood vessels had broken down there so there is blood all under the skin. So he goes for another blood test and it's even worse! They said he needs to have 4 pints of blood removed (not all at once) in order to get the numbers to where they should be. I got so mad and I think it finally made them take some action because hopefully he will be able to get in tomorrow and give some of that blood.
The more dire situation has to do with V.'s dad. On Tuesday night I sent him some pictures of V. from this summer because when we were at their house, I showed him some pictures on my camera and he specifically wanted one of V. Wednesday morning, I got an email from his mom thanking me and saying that today was the last day of the second round of radiation and that he would be starting chemo in a few days. This was different than what V.'s brother had told us so last night when I saw his brother on FB, I checked in with him and asked about it. Turns out that the cancer is back in his skull which is dismaying because that was really quick. They can't do radiation to his skull for another year so chemo is the last ditch resort to trying to remove it/slow it down. His brother was asking when V. was home because he needed to ask him a question either tonight or tomorrow. I told him that I needed to be able to tell V. what is going on first so I'm going to have to tell him tonight over the phone and his brother is going to call him tomorrow night. I really was hoping to wait until V. was home and tell him in person but I'm not going to interfere with his brother needing to call him either. I guess it can't be helped but still not looking forward to it at all.
I sent his dad an e-card, kind of a funny one but more like a tongue in cheek and told him that we were praying for his strength, healing and physical comfort and signed it as his favorite daughter in law which is our joke because I am his ONLY daughter in law and he calls himself my favorite father in law. I got an email back from him today that said,
Brought tears to my eyes and also pain to my heart. I asked I. to make him something today and she did so in such a big way that I had to use a manila envelope to fit it all in. I'm feeling that heightened sense of anxiety where I just get a feel like something bad is about to happen. I can be driving and it just comes out of nowhere and then I realize it's because of his dad and that it's bringing up what happened with Mark and it scares me because I know how fast it can happen. One afternoon you can be hanging out and a few hours later, the death spiral begins. On top of this, I just don't know how to help V.. This after 10 years of marriage. But honestly, V. has no clue how to help himself let alone know how I can help him. I'm just going to have to pray hard for insight, intuition, and patience and let God lead me in the right direction. Kind of like the same thing I need to do about this house sale, come to think of it.
Today has been an anxiety inducing day and now I'm not looking forward to a conversation with V. when he calls tonight. The lesser of the stresses (kind of) is that my dad has been suffering from polycythemia which is too many red blood cells for about 5 weeks now. That may not sound like a problem but it is, can lead to strokes, blood clots, heart and lung damage etc. They've just been kind of burying their heads like always figuring it would get better so no real rush. Then this morning, he gets out of the shower and looks at his ankles and all his blood vessels had broken down there so there is blood all under the skin. So he goes for another blood test and it's even worse! They said he needs to have 4 pints of blood removed (not all at once) in order to get the numbers to where they should be. I got so mad and I think it finally made them take some action because hopefully he will be able to get in tomorrow and give some of that blood.
The more dire situation has to do with V.'s dad. On Tuesday night I sent him some pictures of V. from this summer because when we were at their house, I showed him some pictures on my camera and he specifically wanted one of V. Wednesday morning, I got an email from his mom thanking me and saying that today was the last day of the second round of radiation and that he would be starting chemo in a few days. This was different than what V.'s brother had told us so last night when I saw his brother on FB, I checked in with him and asked about it. Turns out that the cancer is back in his skull which is dismaying because that was really quick. They can't do radiation to his skull for another year so chemo is the last ditch resort to trying to remove it/slow it down. His brother was asking when V. was home because he needed to ask him a question either tonight or tomorrow. I told him that I needed to be able to tell V. what is going on first so I'm going to have to tell him tonight over the phone and his brother is going to call him tomorrow night. I really was hoping to wait until V. was home and tell him in person but I'm not going to interfere with his brother needing to call him either. I guess it can't be helped but still not looking forward to it at all.
I sent his dad an e-card, kind of a funny one but more like a tongue in cheek and told him that we were praying for his strength, healing and physical comfort and signed it as his favorite daughter in law which is our joke because I am his ONLY daughter in law and he calls himself my favorite father in law. I got an email back from him today that said,
This is let you know that your card did put a smile on my face and filled my heart with so much Love for your thoughtfulness and words. I also want to tell that the pictures you sent were great and I love them. Please give everyone there a big hug and a kiss for me. Remind my son how lucky he is to have such a great woman by his side, you are one of a kind as far as I'm concerned.All my LoveVic
Brought tears to my eyes and also pain to my heart. I asked I. to make him something today and she did so in such a big way that I had to use a manila envelope to fit it all in. I'm feeling that heightened sense of anxiety where I just get a feel like something bad is about to happen. I can be driving and it just comes out of nowhere and then I realize it's because of his dad and that it's bringing up what happened with Mark and it scares me because I know how fast it can happen. One afternoon you can be hanging out and a few hours later, the death spiral begins. On top of this, I just don't know how to help V.. This after 10 years of marriage. But honestly, V. has no clue how to help himself let alone know how I can help him. I'm just going to have to pray hard for insight, intuition, and patience and let God lead me in the right direction. Kind of like the same thing I need to do about this house sale, come to think of it.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Days 50-52
Day 50 of summer was my little guy's 2nd birthday. I just can't believe it. I. and I sang him Happy Birthday while he was still in the crib and though he didn't completely understand, he knew we were singing to him and that made him happy. Melissa and Caroline came over for a playdate and after I. came home from VBS, we had a little party with cupcakes that Melissa had brought over and D. opened the two presents they had gotten him. This year, he definitely understands how to open a present up and when he saw that it was an airplane with people and a door that opened and closed, he was in love and spent the rest of the time inspecting its wheels and opening and closing the door. Plus it plays music so it really can't get any better than that. He was so jazzed about it that I let him take it in the crib with him during afternoon rest time. Sunday will be our family party and the girls will be coming down by train Saturday night so that will be exciting for everyone. It will be a full house!
Yesterday was I.'s last day of VBS. I also had to run to Home Depot this morning to get some items we will need in order to pass house inspection which was supposed to have happened next Monday. I. and I played pretend restaurant and served up 21 of her stuffed animals with various menu items which was fun.
This morning my realtor let me know that our buyer backed out due to a family emergency. I don't know that I buy that. Last night I spent hours getting all these financial statements together for the lender so that he can provide our realtor with a preapproval document to make us more attractive buyers. Being contingent makes us unattractive. On top of that, in this market you have to include with your bid/offer a biography of your family introducing yourselves and telling why they should accept your bid. It also makes you "more attractive". This whole process could give you a complex I swear. Anyways, now we're back to square one with showings and a need to keep everything perfect while having 2 little ones underfoot. That part really sucks. The only good I can see of this is that the inventory has dropped significantly the last week so I was starting to feel stressed that now our house was in escrow and now there were no homes coming on the market. Guess we'll see what happens.
The rest of the day was good except of course bedtime when the kids were tired and bouncing off the walls and my patience was running out. The last 2 weeks since we got home V. has worked all 5 weekdays in Arizona so it's been a little rough on me. Today though I had planned a short adventure for the 3 of us and it turned out really well. We caught the trolley just east of Qualcomm and then rode it about 4 stops to Mission Valley where it dropped us off right in front of Sammy's Wood Fired Pizza. We had lunch there, walked around for 20 minutes or so and caught the trolley back to our car. Both kiddos were so excited and for the rest of the day, D. kept making the sign for train because he was so thrilled by the whole thing. I got the idea when V. and I took the trolley to the game on Sunday and I was looking out the window at the stops. So glad we did it and both kids were really well mannered. A good day with good memories made!
Yesterday was I.'s last day of VBS. I also had to run to Home Depot this morning to get some items we will need in order to pass house inspection which was supposed to have happened next Monday. I. and I played pretend restaurant and served up 21 of her stuffed animals with various menu items which was fun.
This morning my realtor let me know that our buyer backed out due to a family emergency. I don't know that I buy that. Last night I spent hours getting all these financial statements together for the lender so that he can provide our realtor with a preapproval document to make us more attractive buyers. Being contingent makes us unattractive. On top of that, in this market you have to include with your bid/offer a biography of your family introducing yourselves and telling why they should accept your bid. It also makes you "more attractive". This whole process could give you a complex I swear. Anyways, now we're back to square one with showings and a need to keep everything perfect while having 2 little ones underfoot. That part really sucks. The only good I can see of this is that the inventory has dropped significantly the last week so I was starting to feel stressed that now our house was in escrow and now there were no homes coming on the market. Guess we'll see what happens.
The rest of the day was good except of course bedtime when the kids were tired and bouncing off the walls and my patience was running out. The last 2 weeks since we got home V. has worked all 5 weekdays in Arizona so it's been a little rough on me. Today though I had planned a short adventure for the 3 of us and it turned out really well. We caught the trolley just east of Qualcomm and then rode it about 4 stops to Mission Valley where it dropped us off right in front of Sammy's Wood Fired Pizza. We had lunch there, walked around for 20 minutes or so and caught the trolley back to our car. Both kiddos were so excited and for the rest of the day, D. kept making the sign for train because he was so thrilled by the whole thing. I got the idea when V. and I took the trolley to the game on Sunday and I was looking out the window at the stops. So glad we did it and both kids were really well mannered. A good day with good memories made!
Monday, August 5, 2013
Day 47-49
This summer has been all about multi-tasking as though I was not doing that already. Maybe now it's multi-multi tasking. It makes my head spin throughout the day and I cannot tell you the last time I was able to doze off in the afternoon to get a head wind for the rest of the day.
Saturday V. and I. went to the gym early while D. was taking a nap and then they went to a gift shop because I. wanted to get everyone some presents with the money she got last week through the SDSU study. So sweet...she got me, V. and D. something special. When they got home we looked at 3 houses, 2 of which I had seen already and had pegged as favorites. We were going to put an offer in on one of them because it was perfect but found out later in the afternoon that they already had an offer and did not want any contingent offers. I'm going to have to toughen up and get used to disappointment or I'm not going to survive this process. Seeing the kids happily run around the house and the beautiful yard and the remodeled kitchen and the pantry and how the house was completely brand new and the location was great...we were all excited and then the crash of no, they don't want your stupid contingent offer. This market is tough, really tough. Lots of cash buyers and low inventory mean that houses go into escrow within 3 days of going on the market. Plus they don't need to accept any contingent offers when someone is good to go. Trying not to stress out about this, some days more successful than others.
Sunday was our baseball date and we had a good time. Saw batting practice, walked around, and enjoyed the game even though the Yankees lost. Had a fun time at dinner at one of our favorite places.
Today I. went to VBS but I picked her up early for swimming class since we've missed several already and before we know it, it will be time to go back to school.
Today also was D.'s last day of being 1-something. It kills me. When I was cradling him and singing the regular bedtime songs tonight, I cried because this would be the last time I was looking into a 1 year old's face of mine. I've been rereading the document my doula wrote of his birth story tonight. It's absolutely priceless and reading it takes me right back in time. I really am thankful for both the documentation of it and for the actual happening of it - I've never felt such pain before in my life but I got to experience bringing D. out of me into this world the way I hoped for, then seeing his little serene face and big dark eyes staring into my face , his enthusiastic nursing within 5 minutes of being born, and this feeling of euphoria coursing through me for the rest of the day. Granted, 3 days later and for about 10 weeks after that I was in agony in various locations but the day and a half after I birthed D., I felt like I could run a marathon, climb a mountain, and do anything I wanted. It was such a beautiful experience.
But my baby boy will turn 2 tomorrow. Our music class friends will be coming over tomorrow to celebrate and distract Mommy from this fact, try to get her to focus on the positive (hmm, what is it again?). At least D. is close to me emotionally. When he gets hurt and is upset, he runs to me for comfort. He loves to snuggle against my chest at naptime, and rest time and bedtime. He can be spazzing out and hyper but as soon as I put his cheek against my skin, he immediately relaxes and snuggles in towards me. It's like our substitute for nursing and it's been working to soothe both of us.
I want to have tomorrow be all about happy and that's why I am trying to get through all the not so happy part tonight. I'll see tomorrow if I was successful in my goal.
Saturday V. and I. went to the gym early while D. was taking a nap and then they went to a gift shop because I. wanted to get everyone some presents with the money she got last week through the SDSU study. So sweet...she got me, V. and D. something special. When they got home we looked at 3 houses, 2 of which I had seen already and had pegged as favorites. We were going to put an offer in on one of them because it was perfect but found out later in the afternoon that they already had an offer and did not want any contingent offers. I'm going to have to toughen up and get used to disappointment or I'm not going to survive this process. Seeing the kids happily run around the house and the beautiful yard and the remodeled kitchen and the pantry and how the house was completely brand new and the location was great...we were all excited and then the crash of no, they don't want your stupid contingent offer. This market is tough, really tough. Lots of cash buyers and low inventory mean that houses go into escrow within 3 days of going on the market. Plus they don't need to accept any contingent offers when someone is good to go. Trying not to stress out about this, some days more successful than others.
Sunday was our baseball date and we had a good time. Saw batting practice, walked around, and enjoyed the game even though the Yankees lost. Had a fun time at dinner at one of our favorite places.
Today I. went to VBS but I picked her up early for swimming class since we've missed several already and before we know it, it will be time to go back to school.
Today also was D.'s last day of being 1-something. It kills me. When I was cradling him and singing the regular bedtime songs tonight, I cried because this would be the last time I was looking into a 1 year old's face of mine. I've been rereading the document my doula wrote of his birth story tonight. It's absolutely priceless and reading it takes me right back in time. I really am thankful for both the documentation of it and for the actual happening of it - I've never felt such pain before in my life but I got to experience bringing D. out of me into this world the way I hoped for, then seeing his little serene face and big dark eyes staring into my face , his enthusiastic nursing within 5 minutes of being born, and this feeling of euphoria coursing through me for the rest of the day. Granted, 3 days later and for about 10 weeks after that I was in agony in various locations but the day and a half after I birthed D., I felt like I could run a marathon, climb a mountain, and do anything I wanted. It was such a beautiful experience.
But my baby boy will turn 2 tomorrow. Our music class friends will be coming over tomorrow to celebrate and distract Mommy from this fact, try to get her to focus on the positive (hmm, what is it again?). At least D. is close to me emotionally. When he gets hurt and is upset, he runs to me for comfort. He loves to snuggle against my chest at naptime, and rest time and bedtime. He can be spazzing out and hyper but as soon as I put his cheek against my skin, he immediately relaxes and snuggles in towards me. It's like our substitute for nursing and it's been working to soothe both of us.
I want to have tomorrow be all about happy and that's why I am trying to get through all the not so happy part tonight. I'll see tomorrow if I was successful in my goal.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Days 42-46
A whole 'nother week of summer gone. It's just flying by this year. I guess the key to the summer flying by is having a good summer and a guaranteed slow summer time is one where no one seems to be having fun. For us, the key to a good summer is balance and diversity. All I can say is that it is a good thing I am a good planner.
The only thing that is adding a little too much to our schedule is the fact that we got a couple of offers, one accepted our counter and today we signed the final contract with them so the heat is on to find a home, the right home for us in 17 days. I went looking by myself yesterday at 7 homes and today with the kids for another 6 homes. Today there were 2 that would be great for us so tomorrow much to V.'s chagrin we will all be looking at those 2 tomorrow plus an additional 2.
The week flew by with picking the kiddos up on Monday and then Vacation Bible School for the rest of the week. Sunday is V.'s birthday gift from January - Yankees/Padres game tickets behind the Yankee dugout. Should be a fun day hanging out in the Gaslamp area. Kind of like New York except I will be sure and have extremely comfortable shoes!
The only thing that is adding a little too much to our schedule is the fact that we got a couple of offers, one accepted our counter and today we signed the final contract with them so the heat is on to find a home, the right home for us in 17 days. I went looking by myself yesterday at 7 homes and today with the kids for another 6 homes. Today there were 2 that would be great for us so tomorrow much to V.'s chagrin we will all be looking at those 2 tomorrow plus an additional 2.
The week flew by with picking the kiddos up on Monday and then Vacation Bible School for the rest of the week. Sunday is V.'s birthday gift from January - Yankees/Padres game tickets behind the Yankee dugout. Should be a fun day hanging out in the Gaslamp area. Kind of like New York except I will be sure and have extremely comfortable shoes!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Days 39-42 aka the New York Trip
So behind on posting thanks to our New York trip. While the trip was exciting and fun, I was really missing my kiddos after having so much fun with them in Palm Desert. I guess there are worse problems to be had!
The New York trip was good on many different levels. Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions. Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception. Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?! The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word. Phenomenal, one of a kind. And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked. Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering. Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.
The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them. I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so. While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems. He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation. I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain.
Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming. He didn't have a brain tumor. He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years. He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day. The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative. If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere. The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well. But basically he's dying. Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned. I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son. For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late. V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.
I'm concerned about a couple of things. I'm concerned for V. How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings? How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this? How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming? It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark. I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is so much like him.
Good times behind us, tough times ahead.
The New York trip was good on many different levels. Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions. Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception. Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?! The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word. Phenomenal, one of a kind. And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked. Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering. Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.
The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them. I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so. While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems. He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation. I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain.
Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming. He didn't have a brain tumor. He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years. He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day. The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative. If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere. The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well. But basically he's dying. Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned. I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son. For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late. V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.
I'm concerned about a couple of things. I'm concerned for V. How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings? How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this? How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming? It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark. I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is so much like him.
Good times behind us, tough times ahead.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Day 38
This morning after D. got up from his nap, we went over to the pool for awhile to extend our trip and we all had a good time. D. and I roughhoused and loved each other up in the pool and then we went and visited I. and V. in the big pool. Headed out after lunch to my parents' house to drop off the kiddos and then we grabbed dinner by our home before we went home to pack and get ready for the New York trip. As we ate, I was missing the kids a lot. V. was wondering how I was going to cope with being so far away from them but to be honest, being around our house without them with me makes me miss them more. These are the places I'm with them. When we're away, of course I miss them but I don't expect them there. It won't feel weird with them not there in New York because I've never been there with them.
Have to get up around 3:45 tomorrow morning to make it to our New York flight in the morning. Egads! It's going to be brutal. I have ear plugs and my Bose earphones to try and be able to nod off at the beginning of the flight. Just hoping that I will not have my usual first day insomnia when we get there....Lunesta samples take me away!
Have to get up around 3:45 tomorrow morning to make it to our New York flight in the morning. Egads! It's going to be brutal. I have ear plugs and my Bose earphones to try and be able to nod off at the beginning of the flight. Just hoping that I will not have my usual first day insomnia when we get there....Lunesta samples take me away!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Day 37
Today was the last full day of vacation with the kiddos. While D. Took his morning nap, I played rummy and other games with I. And then we all went to the pools once D. Got up until about 1:30.
It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile. Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her. So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.
I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast. As always, why am I surprised. When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad. I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me. It's been fun to be silly and playing with them. Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.
It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile. Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her. So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.
I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast. As always, why am I surprised. When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad. I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me. It's been fun to be silly and playing with them. Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Days 32-36
We successfully made it out to Palm Desert on Thursday (it's Monday night now). The weather overall has been pretty good, not at all like a normal July more like early June weather. We've been going to the pool a lot of course which both the kiddos love. This year I. Is old enough to make some friends in the pool to play with which takes some pressure off of me. D. Just loves running and jumping and eating so the dynamics have changed again. It's been intersting to watch other families with kids at different ages and say to myself, "Oh that's what's coming next?" As demanding as these young stages are like I told V. Other parents with older or grown up kids probably look at us and think that this is the exhausting stage but some of the sweetest times and memories. We should relish these times before they are gone.
This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands. A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense. Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy. D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home. When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them. That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing. There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that. It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.
Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive. The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend. It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better. I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.
This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands. A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense. Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy. D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home. When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them. That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing. There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that. It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.
Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive. The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend. It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better. I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Day 28 Through 31
Sunday was day 28th and was different from a regular Sunday in that we went and looked at 2 houses with our realtor. "We" being V., I and the kiddos. First time he's looked with us. It felt different in a good way like we were investing in our life together with kids. Last time we were looking it was just the two of us, though with a bun in the oven almost ready to come out. However, until you have an actual kid, it's still basically just the two of you.
Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip. Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile. After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him. I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep. It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin. It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek. I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib. I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin. It's such a special thing.
Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal. My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00. Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well. One day closer to vacation.
Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert. We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route. I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know. All I do know is that I am ready to get away. The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert. My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.
The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing. No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks. Plus some other bummer stuff. So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too. Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call? No response all day long. Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all. Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest. I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy. We'll see.
Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip. Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile. After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him. I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep. It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin. It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek. I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib. I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin. It's such a special thing.
Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal. My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00. Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well. One day closer to vacation.
Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert. We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route. I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know. All I do know is that I am ready to get away. The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert. My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.
The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing. No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks. Plus some other bummer stuff. So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too. Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call? No response all day long. Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all. Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest. I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy. We'll see.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Days 24 Through 27
Wednesday was day 24 and while I. was at camp, D. and I went looking at some houses with our realtor friend. Luckily a couple were vacant and he enjoyed running around them turning fans and lights on and off and opening doors. She and I were able to discuss my thoughts on putting our house on the market before we left on vacation as she had suggested. Her reasons were good ones, logical ones and connected with my mind. However, this decision is still a little like jumping off a cliff thanks to a hot market and there is a real possibility that we sell our house before we've found a suitable replacement. That being said, the interest rates are going up as are the prices and summer is flying by so unless I want to miss an opportunity to have a yard, I need to list the house. I was waiting to feel that feeling of "now is the time" but I realized that my risk-averse temperament is not going to ever get me there. I feel like my intuition will clue me into the right property to move into - I just hope it gets listed when we are out there fervently looking.
Thursday I., D. and I went to the library and then attempted to feed the ducks at the pond. The cooler weather cooperated, unfortunately the ducks were MIA. Will have to try again. I was lucky to get a babysitter for an hour or so in the afternoon so that I could keep my dentist appointment. God knows my parents could not have helped me out on this with everything going on. Got a few texts from my dad on the day he was spending with my bitch of a sister - got me mad all over again but able to hold it together better.
Friday I. went to camp to have fun at Nickel City and see Monsters University movie. I had to talk to my mom and it seems like my "refusal" to move to North County has been forgotten due to my sister and my brother's girlfriend situation. I'll take it. Talked to my mom for about 1.5 hours. She spent about 30 minutes on my sister until I told her I was getting really pissed off and that we needed to change the topic. My sister threw a tantrum with my dad whose blood pressure is through the roof the last few days after he spent the entire day carting her around to doctor's appointments and meeting with her "assessor" who is a douche version of a probation officer. He doesn't care that she did drugs the first day she was out of jail. All he asked was what her drug of choice was - and how is that helpful? Bottom line was that she threw a tantrum, grabbed my dad's phone and sunglasses and threw them out of the car into the parking lot while she called him every vile name in the book, cussing him out. So he left her to sleep in the bushes and as of 11:30 today while I was talking to my mom, he was still around the house so that was good. I told them that I think they should get a restraining order against her so that if she tries to contact them, she can get sent to jail because that is where she belongs if she's going to be a drug addict and abusive. My mom agreed but who knows. All I know is I'm tired of the topic and I can't wait until our vacation when I can go into hibernation mode - just me, V. , my kiddos, fun, and reading. Lots of reading. I have so many magazines that I have backed up on that I am going to be reading out there on the patio in 80 degree weather at night, drinking my adult beverage and looking at the golf course. Okay, enough dreaming....
Today, Saturday, the older girls came for a visit and we enjoyed it although they got here late. I let the kids go to bed later so they could spend more time with the girls. It was a good visit. Tomorrow afternoon, our realtor is coming over to sign the listing papers and then we are going to look at 2 houses (including V. for the first time). If we list before we go, we don't have to wait until we get back and they can show the house for about 10 days without me having to tidy up every room after the kiddos. That is a big benefit. However, if our house does sell quickly (which I have a feeling it will), it means when we get back from Palm Desert/New York, we have to seriously find a place to move into. Stress but also excitement - conflicting emotions, I don't do so well with that.
Thursday I., D. and I went to the library and then attempted to feed the ducks at the pond. The cooler weather cooperated, unfortunately the ducks were MIA. Will have to try again. I was lucky to get a babysitter for an hour or so in the afternoon so that I could keep my dentist appointment. God knows my parents could not have helped me out on this with everything going on. Got a few texts from my dad on the day he was spending with my bitch of a sister - got me mad all over again but able to hold it together better.
Friday I. went to camp to have fun at Nickel City and see Monsters University movie. I had to talk to my mom and it seems like my "refusal" to move to North County has been forgotten due to my sister and my brother's girlfriend situation. I'll take it. Talked to my mom for about 1.5 hours. She spent about 30 minutes on my sister until I told her I was getting really pissed off and that we needed to change the topic. My sister threw a tantrum with my dad whose blood pressure is through the roof the last few days after he spent the entire day carting her around to doctor's appointments and meeting with her "assessor" who is a douche version of a probation officer. He doesn't care that she did drugs the first day she was out of jail. All he asked was what her drug of choice was - and how is that helpful? Bottom line was that she threw a tantrum, grabbed my dad's phone and sunglasses and threw them out of the car into the parking lot while she called him every vile name in the book, cussing him out. So he left her to sleep in the bushes and as of 11:30 today while I was talking to my mom, he was still around the house so that was good. I told them that I think they should get a restraining order against her so that if she tries to contact them, she can get sent to jail because that is where she belongs if she's going to be a drug addict and abusive. My mom agreed but who knows. All I know is I'm tired of the topic and I can't wait until our vacation when I can go into hibernation mode - just me, V. , my kiddos, fun, and reading. Lots of reading. I have so many magazines that I have backed up on that I am going to be reading out there on the patio in 80 degree weather at night, drinking my adult beverage and looking at the golf course. Okay, enough dreaming....
Today, Saturday, the older girls came for a visit and we enjoyed it although they got here late. I let the kids go to bed later so they could spend more time with the girls. It was a good visit. Tomorrow afternoon, our realtor is coming over to sign the listing papers and then we are going to look at 2 houses (including V. for the first time). If we list before we go, we don't have to wait until we get back and they can show the house for about 10 days without me having to tidy up every room after the kiddos. That is a big benefit. However, if our house does sell quickly (which I have a feeling it will), it means when we get back from Palm Desert/New York, we have to seriously find a place to move into. Stress but also excitement - conflicting emotions, I don't do so well with that.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
So Much
As in "So much to say but don't even know how to say it."
Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."
Or "I hate my sister so much."
I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her.
I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again. Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days. Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well. It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis. She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out. How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.
So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house? They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in. It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs. They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists. She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled. Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch. There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy. Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something. Who knows. After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house. So what do they do? Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up. It's insanity on top of insanity.
Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow. I don't know. My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions.
I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her. I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her. She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.
Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.
Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."
Or "I hate my sister so much."
I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her.
I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again. Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days. Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well. It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis. She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out. How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.
So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house? They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in. It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs. They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists. She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled. Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch. There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy. Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something. Who knows. After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house. So what do they do? Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up. It's insanity on top of insanity.
Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow. I don't know. My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions.
I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her. I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her. She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.
Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Day 22 & 23
There have been so many times that I will be driving in the car and I'll glance back at D. and he'll be sitting there diagonally from me in the back seat, looking at me. I'll look him in the eye and smile, a genuine smile, because he's just so doggone cute looking and he gives me this sweet little smile with his perfect rosebud lips pressed together. It inspires me to glance back again (if we're at a red light) and smile at him again just to see his little smile grow bigger. What's so amazing and what hits me directly in the heart is that it's the same exact smile as when he was a mere 1/2 hour old. Well, let me rephrase...he didn't exactly "smile" when he was first born but he did have his lips together in the most serene, content look and that is what this smile is - just a happy, I-love-you-Mommy look that I only get when we're in the car together. Makes my heart melt, do flip flops and my whole being go all gushy.
D. 30 minutes old
Yesterday while D. napped, I. and I got things done around the house and then we all went to swim class. In the afternoon, I. and I played a game and then we went to the chiropractor. It doesn't sound like a memorable day but we had a good day. I did a funny dance after I lost the game to I. because it was a close one and she thought that was hilarious. Our wonderful summer just continues on thankfully.
Today I. went to summer day camp at her school for swim day and I decided to run up to LEGOLAND water park for a fun time and a research trip all rolled into one. We had never been to the water park before and I had no idea if I could successfully keep both kiddos happy since they might want to be in different sections and if there's only one of me that could be a problem.
We got there and ate lunch and then went to the section for littler kids and my goodness, did D. enjoy himself. With all his fussiness the last 2 weeks at the parties, I kind of anticipated some problems but he went in full tilt and we had the best time. He ran around squealing with joy and my face hurt from smiling so much as I watched him. Even when it was time to go and change clothes to go get I. from camp, he didn't throw a fit, probably because he was a little hungry and I enticed him with the last piece of pizza from lunch. Still, he was a hundred times better than the last 2 weekends so maybe it's not the party situation and him having a hard time dealing with it. Perhaps it's the number of people around him that he knows and somehow that makes him feel insecure with me. Because today there were plenty of people around and he was fine separating from me and running around solo. Or maybe it's because I. wasn't there? I don't know but I'll have to keep mixing things up and seeing if I can figure it out. The bottom line of the water park was that I think I. would have a good time if I took them by myself but she would have a better time if I took them with other people to free us two girls to go explore the bigger kid attractions as well.
I find myself more relaxed this summer with the kiddos especially I. I find more humor in what she says instead of getting annoyed. She's been such a joy to be around for the most part, less whiny and complaining, more positive and cheerful and more affectionate with me. I've found more patience to deal with the few times when she's reverted back to Eeyore. I've had time to talk with her about things in the distant future, both life lessons and tips as well as my hopes for her and I and our relationship. I've talked about how important it is for her to find a man that she is friends with and who makes her laugh because life can be difficult and if you don't like the person you are married to, life will be really long and tiring. We've talked about how I will be a Bubbi to her kids and that I will help her when her kiddos are driving her crazy. Yesterday we were talking about how Mommy will always be there through all the hard times that come with life and whether she would want me there when she has her babies (she said she did). I told her I could really help encourage her when she has her babies because I've been through both a baby out of my tummy and one out the other way so I know what I'm talking about. She liked that. Of course my cynical side tells me I'm delusional that she is going to want this 20 years down the line but I am going to try to remain optimistic. Maybe it's strange but I can tell she enjoys it though on some level it touches her to a point that she gets shy and embarrassed but later it comes out in the form of loving affection from her both physically and verbally so I think it's good. I can only hope and pray for the best outcome.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Day 20 & 21
Yesterday I got to sleep until 9am and it was decadent. I did some things around the house and then V. and I went to the gym. We had just enough time to relax for a little while before it was time to go and get the kiddos. On the way home, we went to Fidel's for linner and we really had a nice time. It felt good to have my kiddos with me.
Today we went to the gym and then I took I. for a special afternoon to Belmont Park. She had received a free unlimited ride pass for all the books she had read and so today was the day we used it. We went on a bunch of rides and had a really good time. It was nice to have time with my big girl. Needless to say, we were pooped by the time we got home. The boys had good one on one time with each other and it was the first time that V. had to make a meal and put him down for a nap since he's been born. It's about time.
Yesterday also marked D. turning 23 months old. I can't believe it. This time of year takes me right back like it was yesterday to the time right before he was born. Really makes me emotional but I have to say that I do love hearing how D. says "Momma", he really says it with love and drags it out to make it sound truly meaningful.
Today we went to the gym and then I took I. for a special afternoon to Belmont Park. She had received a free unlimited ride pass for all the books she had read and so today was the day we used it. We went on a bunch of rides and had a really good time. It was nice to have time with my big girl. Needless to say, we were pooped by the time we got home. The boys had good one on one time with each other and it was the first time that V. had to make a meal and put him down for a nap since he's been born. It's about time.
Yesterday also marked D. turning 23 months old. I can't believe it. This time of year takes me right back like it was yesterday to the time right before he was born. Really makes me emotional but I have to say that I do love hearing how D. says "Momma", he really says it with love and drags it out to make it sound truly meaningful.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Day 18 & 19
It went better than expected probably because D. was acting just like he did at Caroline's party and I had my hands and arms full literally and figuratively. Also, my parents did not make comments about allowing I. to stay up late. I did let her stay up later so that she could have cake and ice cream and she didn't go to bed until 6:45, an hour and a half later. She was so exhausted that her eyes were burning and both kiddos were asleep within 5 minutes of going to bed. But only time will tell because often when I think things are okay, all of a sudden they are not.
Because we got home so late and went to bed late, I slept until almost 9 which is unheard of the last couple of years. It was so nice to discuss the paper with V., leisurely get ready and then get some things done around the house. I even squeezed a massage in there before V. and I went to an matinee and then for happy hour with margaritas and tacos. When we got home, we went down to the Jacuzzi for a half an hour or so and now we are kicking back watching a movie. Wow. It's been a long time since we've had a day like today at home and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tomorrow we are going to be picking the kiddos up from my parents around 2:30. We'll see what we can fit in before then.
Because we got home so late and went to bed late, I slept until almost 9 which is unheard of the last couple of years. It was so nice to discuss the paper with V., leisurely get ready and then get some things done around the house. I even squeezed a massage in there before V. and I went to an matinee and then for happy hour with margaritas and tacos. When we got home, we went down to the Jacuzzi for a half an hour or so and now we are kicking back watching a movie. Wow. It's been a long time since we've had a day like today at home and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tomorrow we are going to be picking the kiddos up from my parents around 2:30. We'll see what we can fit in before then.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Drama Warm Up
Oh my gosh, I don't know that I am going to make it through this day. Seriously. I've got to hurry and get this crap out of my brain before we hit the road to my parents' or I am liable to explode.
Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought. What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time. The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do. It's stupid.
So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us". I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up. However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks? Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them." I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow." She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad. Why can't you make an exception this one time?" Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this. So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least. Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years.
I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well. Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want. That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me. I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.
And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do. She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom. Is that a good idea? Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction? So bite me.
We haven't even gotten there and already there's this.
Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought. What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time. The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do. It's stupid.
So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us". I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up. However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks? Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them." I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow." She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad. Why can't you make an exception this one time?" Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this. So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least. Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years.
I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well. Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want. That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me. I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.
And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do. She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom. Is that a good idea? Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction? So bite me.
We haven't even gotten there and already there's this.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Day 17
I woke up in the middle of the night with a bad headache, one that didn't go away until almost noon and even after that, I was so tired. I think it was an emotional hangover. When I talked to V. last night, I got really upset as I told him about the conversation. Everything just hit me - the fact that I felt like my mom had turned on me and attacked me right after I bared some of my soul to her, the tit for tat, her saying that I had responded "nastily", and then that she brought up an additional gripe that she had (I didn't mention this in last night's post) about how I never did confide in her or ask her for help with my first marriage and that she never understood why and obviously she's been harboring that grudge as well. I didn't have time to fully address that attack because my friend came to my door because we weren't at the pool like I told her we would be. Nice hostess that I am. The absurdity that my mom brought up that secondary topic that is from 20 years ago and threw that into yesterday's phone call hit me today and got me mad. It's just so fucking stupid.
I threw myself into enjoying my summer day with my kiddos and tried to forget that I'm going to have to be over at my parents' tomorrow for 8+ hours. God help me. I. and I had a breakfast date at our favorite pancake restaurant this morning while D. was asleep which was great fun. She and I really are having a good time this summer together. Truly and thankfully a 180 from last summer. In the afternoon the three of us went looking at some houses with the realtor which we actually enjoyed. Will be talking with V. about the timing of listing our own house. Stressful but exciting (sort of).
After this week, I have to say that I am SO looking forward to heading out for our annual Palm Desert vacation. Usually we go in June but I am really glad that we had to wait until July because I really am going to need that week of just my little family and to hibernate.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. It's going to be a long day.
Oh and by the way, my sister got out of jail today. Just thought I'd throw that in ... don't have the energy to get into details.
I threw myself into enjoying my summer day with my kiddos and tried to forget that I'm going to have to be over at my parents' tomorrow for 8+ hours. God help me. I. and I had a breakfast date at our favorite pancake restaurant this morning while D. was asleep which was great fun. She and I really are having a good time this summer together. Truly and thankfully a 180 from last summer. In the afternoon the three of us went looking at some houses with the realtor which we actually enjoyed. Will be talking with V. about the timing of listing our own house. Stressful but exciting (sort of).
After this week, I have to say that I am SO looking forward to heading out for our annual Palm Desert vacation. Usually we go in June but I am really glad that we had to wait until July because I really am going to need that week of just my little family and to hibernate.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. It's going to be a long day.
Oh and by the way, my sister got out of jail today. Just thought I'd throw that in ... don't have the energy to get into details.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Exhausting and Upsetting Conversation
Ever since V. has taken the new job in Arizona and we announced that we were thinking of moving to a home with a yard in our area, my parents have been making a full court press to get us to move to North County. When I told my mom that we were considering moving I made a point of telling her we needed to be near the airport so that V.'s commute was not made worse by a long commute from the airport. I knew when she didn't object that more would be coming which there was in the form of my father making a full court press. I gave the reason again of why we wanted to stay in the area but obviously to no avail because they started making little comments here and there every time I saw them and yes, to be honest it annoyed me. Why? Because I already had stated several times our intentions and the reason behind it and still they persisted with little jabs here and there as though I hadn't made the attempt to forthright about our decision. Kind of like, say your piece and then shut up.
With another family get together for 4th of July, I didn't want to spend that long day and night waiting for more comments. It makes me irritable and angry so since we were talking today, I figured it was time for the talk. I told my mom I had to be off the phone by 11:10 so I'd call earlier to give plenty of time. Here's how the phone call went: from 10:00-10:30, she talked about my sister, her release tomorrow and every detail of her future weeks. Then from 10:30-11:00 she moved onto a drama filled story about my brother and his dealings with a guy I knew they shouldn't be involved business-wise with but whom they thought would be an okay guy to deal with. This is not the first time that they've gotten involved with someone and I've stated that I don't like the sound of him, been poo-poo'd and then it turns out that the guy's an a-hole and now they're in fear of being sued etc. So both stories were kind of irritating to me but what was especially irritating is that she knew I had a limited time to talk and this is what she wants to talk about.
Finally while D. is now up and crying because he wants me to carry him, I tell my mom we need to talk about the moving subject. I cannot go through it blow by blow but I was tactful and restated that we needed to be by the airport and that that was the only request V. had out of this whole thing and I respected that and wanted to honor that considering that he could have asked me to move to Arizona but didn't even ask. I also said that I felt bad that they seemed to think from what they had said that I didn't want to move close to them because I was concerned that they would be over all the time which wasn't true at all. I said some very nice and emotional things about how thankful I was to get to spend (and the kids getting to spend) all this time with them since D. has been born. I told her that this was stressing me out because I felt like I was having to be the bad guy with them by doing the right thing for my little family.
She responded with how overly sensitive I was to their comments and that I had asked in a nasty tone, "What does that mean?" at Father's Day when they had made a "joke". I asked her again what the "joke" meant and I was right that it was a little private dig they had between themselves about something I said. She said all this had nothing to do with them wanting me closer as much as it would make my daily life easier because I could just drop the kids off here and there at their house when I wanted to go do something and if I needed anything they could be there in 5 minutes. She was defensive and just kept saying how sensitive I was to anything they said and she guessed they couldn't joke around with me. The tone she used when she was saying all this was hurtful to me. It was like, we did nothing wrong, it's all your fault. Which is how it was when I was a kid and every once in awhile I didn't agree with them or showed some fight against what they viewed as the right way to think so I guess I'm not surprised. It didn't feel any better now than it did back then.
As though it couldn't get any worse, my mom says, "Well since we're talking about what makes each other feel bad, there's something you've said 3 times that hurt my feelings too. But 2 of those times was before you had kids so I thought maybe it was because you didn't understand but the last time you said it was 3 weeks ago."
Now I'm not begrudging her bringing it up. I wish she had the first time I said, or the second time or just 3 weeks ago because obviously I never would say something to purposely hurt my mother's feelings. But to bring it today after I go out on a limb and bare my soul partially about my love for them, it felt like tit for tat and a really gut shot. So I told her to tell me what it was that I said and this was it. I have said when mentioning the hard times I went through (not the depression but before then) that I didn't talk to my mom about it because she had enough to handle with everything that had been going on with my sister. My mom took that to mean that I thought she wasn't willing to give me attention nor help and that I viewed her as an inadequate mother. She asked, "Would you say that to D. if he needed help and you were going through hard times with I.?" I told her first of all, you were dealing with 2 minor children and I was an adult so that's a different scenario. I was an adult, I had made my bed, and now I had to figure out how I was going to lie in it or not. It was time to take responsibility and try to grow up and figure it out. Secondly, they were completely and totally overwhelmed by the years of crap my sister put them through when she was a teenager (and ever since) but all I wanted to do was to help them in any way I could, to help lessen the burden. I gave her examples of what I did to help lessen the burden, ones she can't disagree with. I reminded her that as the oldest child, I have always been responsible, never wanting to make trouble or cause disappointment or be a burden and that's why I didn't offload my pain onto them. They were already overwhelmed by pain. I don't know if she heard it all. I apologized and told her I never wanted her to feel like that's what I thought and that she should have brought it up a long time ago.
I don't even know what to expect on Thursday. I'm sure this has been the topic of conversation between my dad and her and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him how upset and sad I made her. Part of me feels bad but I know I shouldn't. In my family, if you didn't agree, you kept it to yourself or you would pay a price. I guess I'm paying the price but I wonder for how long.
With another family get together for 4th of July, I didn't want to spend that long day and night waiting for more comments. It makes me irritable and angry so since we were talking today, I figured it was time for the talk. I told my mom I had to be off the phone by 11:10 so I'd call earlier to give plenty of time. Here's how the phone call went: from 10:00-10:30, she talked about my sister, her release tomorrow and every detail of her future weeks. Then from 10:30-11:00 she moved onto a drama filled story about my brother and his dealings with a guy I knew they shouldn't be involved business-wise with but whom they thought would be an okay guy to deal with. This is not the first time that they've gotten involved with someone and I've stated that I don't like the sound of him, been poo-poo'd and then it turns out that the guy's an a-hole and now they're in fear of being sued etc. So both stories were kind of irritating to me but what was especially irritating is that she knew I had a limited time to talk and this is what she wants to talk about.
Finally while D. is now up and crying because he wants me to carry him, I tell my mom we need to talk about the moving subject. I cannot go through it blow by blow but I was tactful and restated that we needed to be by the airport and that that was the only request V. had out of this whole thing and I respected that and wanted to honor that considering that he could have asked me to move to Arizona but didn't even ask. I also said that I felt bad that they seemed to think from what they had said that I didn't want to move close to them because I was concerned that they would be over all the time which wasn't true at all. I said some very nice and emotional things about how thankful I was to get to spend (and the kids getting to spend) all this time with them since D. has been born. I told her that this was stressing me out because I felt like I was having to be the bad guy with them by doing the right thing for my little family.
She responded with how overly sensitive I was to their comments and that I had asked in a nasty tone, "What does that mean?" at Father's Day when they had made a "joke". I asked her again what the "joke" meant and I was right that it was a little private dig they had between themselves about something I said. She said all this had nothing to do with them wanting me closer as much as it would make my daily life easier because I could just drop the kids off here and there at their house when I wanted to go do something and if I needed anything they could be there in 5 minutes. She was defensive and just kept saying how sensitive I was to anything they said and she guessed they couldn't joke around with me. The tone she used when she was saying all this was hurtful to me. It was like, we did nothing wrong, it's all your fault. Which is how it was when I was a kid and every once in awhile I didn't agree with them or showed some fight against what they viewed as the right way to think so I guess I'm not surprised. It didn't feel any better now than it did back then.
As though it couldn't get any worse, my mom says, "Well since we're talking about what makes each other feel bad, there's something you've said 3 times that hurt my feelings too. But 2 of those times was before you had kids so I thought maybe it was because you didn't understand but the last time you said it was 3 weeks ago."
Now I'm not begrudging her bringing it up. I wish she had the first time I said, or the second time or just 3 weeks ago because obviously I never would say something to purposely hurt my mother's feelings. But to bring it today after I go out on a limb and bare my soul partially about my love for them, it felt like tit for tat and a really gut shot. So I told her to tell me what it was that I said and this was it. I have said when mentioning the hard times I went through (not the depression but before then) that I didn't talk to my mom about it because she had enough to handle with everything that had been going on with my sister. My mom took that to mean that I thought she wasn't willing to give me attention nor help and that I viewed her as an inadequate mother. She asked, "Would you say that to D. if he needed help and you were going through hard times with I.?" I told her first of all, you were dealing with 2 minor children and I was an adult so that's a different scenario. I was an adult, I had made my bed, and now I had to figure out how I was going to lie in it or not. It was time to take responsibility and try to grow up and figure it out. Secondly, they were completely and totally overwhelmed by the years of crap my sister put them through when she was a teenager (and ever since) but all I wanted to do was to help them in any way I could, to help lessen the burden. I gave her examples of what I did to help lessen the burden, ones she can't disagree with. I reminded her that as the oldest child, I have always been responsible, never wanting to make trouble or cause disappointment or be a burden and that's why I didn't offload my pain onto them. They were already overwhelmed by pain. I don't know if she heard it all. I apologized and told her I never wanted her to feel like that's what I thought and that she should have brought it up a long time ago.
I don't even know what to expect on Thursday. I'm sure this has been the topic of conversation between my dad and her and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him how upset and sad I made her. Part of me feels bad but I know I shouldn't. In my family, if you didn't agree, you kept it to yourself or you would pay a price. I guess I'm paying the price but I wonder for how long.
Day 15 & 16
Yesterday after D. got up from morning nap, the kiddos and I went and looked at 4 houses that were for sale with the realtor. I. had very particular observations and critiques for each one and she really got me laughing because she is even more particular about houses than I am! Her comments were very specific and many of them quite logical. A good sign was that at the very end she said the only house she liked was the first one which was the only one I liked too.
Today we went down to the pol for a couple of hours and Melissa and Caroline were able to come hang out for a little while as well. As it turned out, both of us were dealing with family disagreements and drama so we were able to get some of it out of our brains, support each other, and realize that we're not the only ones going through this. But this unpleasantness is for a separate post because I don't want it to tarnish the good of my time with my kiddos.
I told I. that she has really been a pleasure to be around this summer and that we are really having a good summer with a lot more fun to look forward to. She was pleased that I said that and I'm pleased that she really has been acting some cheerful, helpful, positive, and fun to be around. D. and her have been having so much goofy fun together and I have been more goofy myself with them and relaxed. This summer compared to last summer is like night and day and that makes me so happy.
Today we went down to the pol for a couple of hours and Melissa and Caroline were able to come hang out for a little while as well. As it turned out, both of us were dealing with family disagreements and drama so we were able to get some of it out of our brains, support each other, and realize that we're not the only ones going through this. But this unpleasantness is for a separate post because I don't want it to tarnish the good of my time with my kiddos.
I told I. that she has really been a pleasure to be around this summer and that we are really having a good summer with a lot more fun to look forward to. She was pleased that I said that and I'm pleased that she really has been acting some cheerful, helpful, positive, and fun to be around. D. and her have been having so much goofy fun together and I have been more goofy myself with them and relaxed. This summer compared to last summer is like night and day and that makes me so happy.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Day 12-14
Friday we successfully made it to the beach and now that I. is a big girl who can help carry things, our trip to the beach went pretty smoothly. We enjoyed the cold water and once D. got over his initial unease, he was happy to hold my hand and play in the waves while I. was running and jumping like a little nut. Our time went too quickly (always a good sign) and no one threw a fit when it was time to leave, which was a fantastic surprise.
Maybe our better than expected beach trip made me cocky, because I had high hopes for how much fun Caroline's birthday party was going to be on Saturday afternoon. It was a great party, with creative pretty decorations, wonderful ideas, and good food. The part that wasn't so great was that D. was whiny, conflicted, and shrieking at the top of his lungs for a least half of the time we were there. If I had known that I was going to have to be picking him up every 5 seconds literally, I would have worn a damn turtleneck so I wouldn't have to worry about flashing my bra (or more) to all the partygoers every time I had to pick him up or put him down. Finally, he settled down and played outside in the water (it was over 100 degrees) but by then, I was a sweaty, aggravated hot mess and just felt like going into the bathroom and crying. I guess I thought he'd be so happy to see Caroline's dog and play with her toys that it would be a cake walk. Well, it was far from a cake walk and it's never fun being the mom of "that kid". I can look back now and find the humor in it but at the time, I just wanted it all to end sooner rather than later.
Today V. had to get a couple of errands done that he's been procrastinating for months about and I. decided she would like to go with him. So after the gym and lunch, she went off with him, I got D. down for a rest and I'm posting this before I go rest for a little bit. I'm glad she went with him and that V. didn't make a big deal about it and try to talk her out of it. I remember doing things and going places with my dad and it was special. Especially so for I. since V. is gone all the time. V. didn't experience this time with the girls, I mean not really, so he doesn't understand that it can be the simplest times doing the most ordinary things that will stick in I.'s mind as a memory. I'll try to remember tonight to tell him that after the kiddos go to bed. Sometimes you have to point out the most mundane things to V. for him to realize something and even then, I know he'll poo-poo the idea that she'll remember these errand times in the future with fondness.
Maybe our better than expected beach trip made me cocky, because I had high hopes for how much fun Caroline's birthday party was going to be on Saturday afternoon. It was a great party, with creative pretty decorations, wonderful ideas, and good food. The part that wasn't so great was that D. was whiny, conflicted, and shrieking at the top of his lungs for a least half of the time we were there. If I had known that I was going to have to be picking him up every 5 seconds literally, I would have worn a damn turtleneck so I wouldn't have to worry about flashing my bra (or more) to all the partygoers every time I had to pick him up or put him down. Finally, he settled down and played outside in the water (it was over 100 degrees) but by then, I was a sweaty, aggravated hot mess and just felt like going into the bathroom and crying. I guess I thought he'd be so happy to see Caroline's dog and play with her toys that it would be a cake walk. Well, it was far from a cake walk and it's never fun being the mom of "that kid". I can look back now and find the humor in it but at the time, I just wanted it all to end sooner rather than later.
Today V. had to get a couple of errands done that he's been procrastinating for months about and I. decided she would like to go with him. So after the gym and lunch, she went off with him, I got D. down for a rest and I'm posting this before I go rest for a little bit. I'm glad she went with him and that V. didn't make a big deal about it and try to talk her out of it. I remember doing things and going places with my dad and it was special. Especially so for I. since V. is gone all the time. V. didn't experience this time with the girls, I mean not really, so he doesn't understand that it can be the simplest times doing the most ordinary things that will stick in I.'s mind as a memory. I'll try to remember tonight to tell him that after the kiddos go to bed. Sometimes you have to point out the most mundane things to V. for him to realize something and even then, I know he'll poo-poo the idea that she'll remember these errand times in the future with fondness.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Days 8-10 & 11
So much for posting every day. It's hard to believe that tomorrow will be Friday. The week passed by so quickly. I. was at summer camp at her school Monday - Wednesday and the flooring installers were here off and on throughout that time. Both things made the week go quickly. I was really conflicted about I. being at summer camp. With her being at my parents' last week, I just was really missing her and feeling like I wasn't getting to spend time with her during the summer so far.
Today she and I got some things done around the house while D. took his morning nap, played a little and did some math for fun. Once he got up it was off to the Fair to meet my parents. What a madhouse. The traffic, rude people, mishandled orders, and just the crowds chipped away at my patience. There were intermittent moments when I truly enjoyed myself and lost myself in the moment like when D. and I were on a ride together or when D. and I. enjoyed their first ride together EVER. We ran into my friend Melissa and some of her family (we knew each other was there but it was pretty wild that we ran literally right into each other) and that was nice for my parents to finally meet her. But then....her mom asked my mom if they lived near us or if they were visiting and when my mom said they lived in Carlsbad, Melissa's mom replied that that was pretty close by. That when my mom just couldn't help interjecting, "Well we wished she lived closer."
My teeth went on edge and I looked at Melissa whose eyes darted over to me and we both bugged them out at each other because we had already talked about this topic and it was like, "Oh here she goes!" So she jumped in with how her mom and her do lots of things together and my mom said, "Oh well you must live really close to each other." to which Melissa responded, "No not really, about 30 minutes away. She lives in Tierrasanta and I live in Escondido. And I used to live in Scripps Ranch until I moved to Escondido." That kind of took the wind out of my mom's sails and she dropped it but I was aggravated. Now the time I spend with them, I'm on guard waiting for the unavoidable poke to come. I have to talk to them before 4th of July because honestly, I can't go through another family gathering on guard. It's making me irritable and stressed on top of just the stress of moving etc. There just wasn't an opportunity this week to address it but I'll have to make sure there is one next week.
Tomorrow I'm planning on hitting the beach with the kiddos for a couple of hours to enjoy the cooler coastal temps and warm ocean. I do want to make sure that D. gets down for an afternoon rest because he didn't get one today and won't get one on Saturday due to Caroline's birthday party.
V. was able to get a decent flight home tomorrow, should be home around 5. He's been gone all week so I'm happy about that.
Today she and I got some things done around the house while D. took his morning nap, played a little and did some math for fun. Once he got up it was off to the Fair to meet my parents. What a madhouse. The traffic, rude people, mishandled orders, and just the crowds chipped away at my patience. There were intermittent moments when I truly enjoyed myself and lost myself in the moment like when D. and I were on a ride together or when D. and I. enjoyed their first ride together EVER. We ran into my friend Melissa and some of her family (we knew each other was there but it was pretty wild that we ran literally right into each other) and that was nice for my parents to finally meet her. But then....her mom asked my mom if they lived near us or if they were visiting and when my mom said they lived in Carlsbad, Melissa's mom replied that that was pretty close by. That when my mom just couldn't help interjecting, "Well we wished she lived closer."
My teeth went on edge and I looked at Melissa whose eyes darted over to me and we both bugged them out at each other because we had already talked about this topic and it was like, "Oh here she goes!" So she jumped in with how her mom and her do lots of things together and my mom said, "Oh well you must live really close to each other." to which Melissa responded, "No not really, about 30 minutes away. She lives in Tierrasanta and I live in Escondido. And I used to live in Scripps Ranch until I moved to Escondido." That kind of took the wind out of my mom's sails and she dropped it but I was aggravated. Now the time I spend with them, I'm on guard waiting for the unavoidable poke to come. I have to talk to them before 4th of July because honestly, I can't go through another family gathering on guard. It's making me irritable and stressed on top of just the stress of moving etc. There just wasn't an opportunity this week to address it but I'll have to make sure there is one next week.
Tomorrow I'm planning on hitting the beach with the kiddos for a couple of hours to enjoy the cooler coastal temps and warm ocean. I do want to make sure that D. gets down for an afternoon rest because he didn't get one today and won't get one on Saturday due to Caroline's birthday party.
V. was able to get a decent flight home tomorrow, should be home around 5. He's been gone all week so I'm happy about that.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Day 6 & 7
First weekend of summer, good fun linner yesterday with the family. Today I. had a party this afternoon for a classmate and when she came home there was time for her to go over her school stuff with V. and play with D. I know that sounds pretty peaceful but there was plenty of shrieking, yelling and crying. Tomorrow night will be my first night in 7 nights where I'll be on my own at bedtime wrangling and juggling both kids. Oh boy.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Day 5
Sleep, aggravation, and productivity. These are the words to describe today.
Got 9 hours of sleep though I woke up many, many times with aches and pains. Still it was great to wake up without an alarm and without the feeling that I should be up and doing something for my family members. Being completely alone provides a freedom like nothing else can provide.
Aggravation came in the form of the flooring being uncompleted today and that it will continue on into next week. However the real aggravation arose from a baseboard issue where the installers were under the impression that it was completely fine for the left half of a room to have 4" baseboards and the other half of the room to have standard 1" baseboards. Why they ever thought that would be okay is beyond me. But it's turning into a disagreement of sorts. On top of that, I noticed that you can see the nail holes on the baseboards. I'm not normally a difficult person but if I'm paying $3500+ for a professional job, I'll be damned if I'm going to be on my hands and knees patching a million nail holes and painting them. I've got enough damn things on my own list - AND I DON'T GET PAID FOR DOING THEM. So bite me, that's all I've got to say.
Productivity - I got many small errands done that take about 10 minutes of time to handle but by the time I've gotten the stroller out, D. strapped in, and then try to simultaneously entertain him and give sufficient attention to getting the errand done, it not only takes longer than 10 minutes, it takes a lot of my physical and mental energy. It's a grand balancing act.
Picked up the kiddos this afternoon and while it was a bedtime filled with some crying and tantrums due to one overly tired kid and one kid on an alternative sleep schedule thanks to grandparents, when I went in to their room after they fell asleep it was heartwarming to see them sleeping. I miss being able to see them sleep - the sight hits my reset button, tugs on my heart strings, and makes me feel as though all is good and well and as it should be.
Got 9 hours of sleep though I woke up many, many times with aches and pains. Still it was great to wake up without an alarm and without the feeling that I should be up and doing something for my family members. Being completely alone provides a freedom like nothing else can provide.
Aggravation came in the form of the flooring being uncompleted today and that it will continue on into next week. However the real aggravation arose from a baseboard issue where the installers were under the impression that it was completely fine for the left half of a room to have 4" baseboards and the other half of the room to have standard 1" baseboards. Why they ever thought that would be okay is beyond me. But it's turning into a disagreement of sorts. On top of that, I noticed that you can see the nail holes on the baseboards. I'm not normally a difficult person but if I'm paying $3500+ for a professional job, I'll be damned if I'm going to be on my hands and knees patching a million nail holes and painting them. I've got enough damn things on my own list - AND I DON'T GET PAID FOR DOING THEM. So bite me, that's all I've got to say.
Productivity - I got many small errands done that take about 10 minutes of time to handle but by the time I've gotten the stroller out, D. strapped in, and then try to simultaneously entertain him and give sufficient attention to getting the errand done, it not only takes longer than 10 minutes, it takes a lot of my physical and mental energy. It's a grand balancing act.
Picked up the kiddos this afternoon and while it was a bedtime filled with some crying and tantrums due to one overly tired kid and one kid on an alternative sleep schedule thanks to grandparents, when I went in to their room after they fell asleep it was heartwarming to see them sleeping. I miss being able to see them sleep - the sight hits my reset button, tugs on my heart strings, and makes me feel as though all is good and well and as it should be.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Day 3 & 4
Got the garbage disposal fixed in the morning and then ran around getting items off the carpet in preparation for the carpet cleaning. It's amazing how many things I had to pick up. As a result my upper back went out which was a bummer. Got the tile and carpet cleaned, he left at 12:20 and the realtor picked me up at 12:30 for 3 hours of looking at housing possibilities. Sadly, the only one that met inside and outside desires had a cracked slab. Still it was good to get out and see what is out there. We got back at 3:30 and called the chiropractor quickly and made an appointment for 5:!5 after my 4:00 massage. I had to fit in a couple of fun things for myself while the kiddos were gone!
Massage was wonderful, chiropractor helped with the back pain and then I was onto Islands to meet Melissa for dinner at 5:30. We had a good time laughing. As usual it went too fast and before I knew it, it was time to head home to take all the items off the beds and counters since the carpet was dry. As soon as V. got home, it was time to move all the heavy furniture out of the living area. We got all done at 9pm and then camped out on the floor talking and watching tv for an hour.
Today was laminate install day and get the upstairs completely cleaned, touch up painting and decluttered. I worked from 10-2:30 before I took my first break and now I've gotten another few things done but I've lost momentum and am pooped out. V. is on his way home from LA so hopefully we can move the couch back and then head out to grab some dinner and relax while watching game 7 of the NBA Finals. The installers will have to come back tomorrow morning for a quick finish of something that had to be ordered today but it should be quick. Kiddos are to be picked up early afternoon tomorrow. It's amazing how quickly this week has gone.
Massage was wonderful, chiropractor helped with the back pain and then I was onto Islands to meet Melissa for dinner at 5:30. We had a good time laughing. As usual it went too fast and before I knew it, it was time to head home to take all the items off the beds and counters since the carpet was dry. As soon as V. got home, it was time to move all the heavy furniture out of the living area. We got all done at 9pm and then camped out on the floor talking and watching tv for an hour.
Today was laminate install day and get the upstairs completely cleaned, touch up painting and decluttered. I worked from 10-2:30 before I took my first break and now I've gotten another few things done but I've lost momentum and am pooped out. V. is on his way home from LA so hopefully we can move the couch back and then head out to grab some dinner and relax while watching game 7 of the NBA Finals. The installers will have to come back tomorrow morning for a quick finish of something that had to be ordered today but it should be quick. Kiddos are to be picked up early afternoon tomorrow. It's amazing how quickly this week has gone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)