This morning after D. got up from his nap, we went over to the pool for awhile to extend our trip and we all had a good time. D. and I roughhoused and loved each other up in the pool and then we went and visited I. and V. in the big pool. Headed out after lunch to my parents' house to drop off the kiddos and then we grabbed dinner by our home before we went home to pack and get ready for the New York trip. As we ate, I was missing the kids a lot. V. was wondering how I was going to cope with being so far away from them but to be honest, being around our house without them with me makes me miss them more. These are the places I'm with them. When we're away, of course I miss them but I don't expect them there. It won't feel weird with them not there in New York because I've never been there with them.
Have to get up around 3:45 tomorrow morning to make it to our New York flight in the morning. Egads! It's going to be brutal. I have ear plugs and my Bose earphones to try and be able to nod off at the beginning of the flight. Just hoping that I will not have my usual first day insomnia when we get there....Lunesta samples take me away!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Day 37
Today was the last full day of vacation with the kiddos. While D. Took his morning nap, I played rummy and other games with I. And then we all went to the pools once D. Got up until about 1:30.
It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile. Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her. So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.
I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast. As always, why am I surprised. When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad. I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me. It's been fun to be silly and playing with them. Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.
It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile. Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her. So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.
I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast. As always, why am I surprised. When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad. I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me. It's been fun to be silly and playing with them. Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Days 32-36
We successfully made it out to Palm Desert on Thursday (it's Monday night now). The weather overall has been pretty good, not at all like a normal July more like early June weather. We've been going to the pool a lot of course which both the kiddos love. This year I. Is old enough to make some friends in the pool to play with which takes some pressure off of me. D. Just loves running and jumping and eating so the dynamics have changed again. It's been intersting to watch other families with kids at different ages and say to myself, "Oh that's what's coming next?" As demanding as these young stages are like I told V. Other parents with older or grown up kids probably look at us and think that this is the exhausting stage but some of the sweetest times and memories. We should relish these times before they are gone.
This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands. A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense. Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy. D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home. When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them. That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing. There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that. It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.
Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive. The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend. It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better. I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.
This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands. A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense. Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy. D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home. When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them. That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing. There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that. It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.
Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive. The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend. It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better. I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Day 28 Through 31
Sunday was day 28th and was different from a regular Sunday in that we went and looked at 2 houses with our realtor. "We" being V., I and the kiddos. First time he's looked with us. It felt different in a good way like we were investing in our life together with kids. Last time we were looking it was just the two of us, though with a bun in the oven almost ready to come out. However, until you have an actual kid, it's still basically just the two of you.
Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip. Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile. After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him. I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep. It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin. It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek. I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib. I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin. It's such a special thing.
Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal. My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00. Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well. One day closer to vacation.
Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert. We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route. I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know. All I do know is that I am ready to get away. The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert. My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.
The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing. No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks. Plus some other bummer stuff. So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too. Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call? No response all day long. Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all. Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest. I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy. We'll see.
Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip. Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile. After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him. I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep. It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin. It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek. I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib. I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin. It's such a special thing.
Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal. My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00. Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well. One day closer to vacation.
Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert. We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route. I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know. All I do know is that I am ready to get away. The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert. My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert. Hoping that everything goes smoothly.
The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing. No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks. Plus some other bummer stuff. So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too. Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call? No response all day long. Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all. Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest. I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy. We'll see.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Days 24 Through 27
Wednesday was day 24 and while I. was at camp, D. and I went looking at some houses with our realtor friend. Luckily a couple were vacant and he enjoyed running around them turning fans and lights on and off and opening doors. She and I were able to discuss my thoughts on putting our house on the market before we left on vacation as she had suggested. Her reasons were good ones, logical ones and connected with my mind. However, this decision is still a little like jumping off a cliff thanks to a hot market and there is a real possibility that we sell our house before we've found a suitable replacement. That being said, the interest rates are going up as are the prices and summer is flying by so unless I want to miss an opportunity to have a yard, I need to list the house. I was waiting to feel that feeling of "now is the time" but I realized that my risk-averse temperament is not going to ever get me there. I feel like my intuition will clue me into the right property to move into - I just hope it gets listed when we are out there fervently looking.
Thursday I., D. and I went to the library and then attempted to feed the ducks at the pond. The cooler weather cooperated, unfortunately the ducks were MIA. Will have to try again. I was lucky to get a babysitter for an hour or so in the afternoon so that I could keep my dentist appointment. God knows my parents could not have helped me out on this with everything going on. Got a few texts from my dad on the day he was spending with my bitch of a sister - got me mad all over again but able to hold it together better.
Friday I. went to camp to have fun at Nickel City and see Monsters University movie. I had to talk to my mom and it seems like my "refusal" to move to North County has been forgotten due to my sister and my brother's girlfriend situation. I'll take it. Talked to my mom for about 1.5 hours. She spent about 30 minutes on my sister until I told her I was getting really pissed off and that we needed to change the topic. My sister threw a tantrum with my dad whose blood pressure is through the roof the last few days after he spent the entire day carting her around to doctor's appointments and meeting with her "assessor" who is a douche version of a probation officer. He doesn't care that she did drugs the first day she was out of jail. All he asked was what her drug of choice was - and how is that helpful? Bottom line was that she threw a tantrum, grabbed my dad's phone and sunglasses and threw them out of the car into the parking lot while she called him every vile name in the book, cussing him out. So he left her to sleep in the bushes and as of 11:30 today while I was talking to my mom, he was still around the house so that was good. I told them that I think they should get a restraining order against her so that if she tries to contact them, she can get sent to jail because that is where she belongs if she's going to be a drug addict and abusive. My mom agreed but who knows. All I know is I'm tired of the topic and I can't wait until our vacation when I can go into hibernation mode - just me, V. , my kiddos, fun, and reading. Lots of reading. I have so many magazines that I have backed up on that I am going to be reading out there on the patio in 80 degree weather at night, drinking my adult beverage and looking at the golf course. Okay, enough dreaming....
Today, Saturday, the older girls came for a visit and we enjoyed it although they got here late. I let the kids go to bed later so they could spend more time with the girls. It was a good visit. Tomorrow afternoon, our realtor is coming over to sign the listing papers and then we are going to look at 2 houses (including V. for the first time). If we list before we go, we don't have to wait until we get back and they can show the house for about 10 days without me having to tidy up every room after the kiddos. That is a big benefit. However, if our house does sell quickly (which I have a feeling it will), it means when we get back from Palm Desert/New York, we have to seriously find a place to move into. Stress but also excitement - conflicting emotions, I don't do so well with that.
Thursday I., D. and I went to the library and then attempted to feed the ducks at the pond. The cooler weather cooperated, unfortunately the ducks were MIA. Will have to try again. I was lucky to get a babysitter for an hour or so in the afternoon so that I could keep my dentist appointment. God knows my parents could not have helped me out on this with everything going on. Got a few texts from my dad on the day he was spending with my bitch of a sister - got me mad all over again but able to hold it together better.
Friday I. went to camp to have fun at Nickel City and see Monsters University movie. I had to talk to my mom and it seems like my "refusal" to move to North County has been forgotten due to my sister and my brother's girlfriend situation. I'll take it. Talked to my mom for about 1.5 hours. She spent about 30 minutes on my sister until I told her I was getting really pissed off and that we needed to change the topic. My sister threw a tantrum with my dad whose blood pressure is through the roof the last few days after he spent the entire day carting her around to doctor's appointments and meeting with her "assessor" who is a douche version of a probation officer. He doesn't care that she did drugs the first day she was out of jail. All he asked was what her drug of choice was - and how is that helpful? Bottom line was that she threw a tantrum, grabbed my dad's phone and sunglasses and threw them out of the car into the parking lot while she called him every vile name in the book, cussing him out. So he left her to sleep in the bushes and as of 11:30 today while I was talking to my mom, he was still around the house so that was good. I told them that I think they should get a restraining order against her so that if she tries to contact them, she can get sent to jail because that is where she belongs if she's going to be a drug addict and abusive. My mom agreed but who knows. All I know is I'm tired of the topic and I can't wait until our vacation when I can go into hibernation mode - just me, V. , my kiddos, fun, and reading. Lots of reading. I have so many magazines that I have backed up on that I am going to be reading out there on the patio in 80 degree weather at night, drinking my adult beverage and looking at the golf course. Okay, enough dreaming....
Today, Saturday, the older girls came for a visit and we enjoyed it although they got here late. I let the kids go to bed later so they could spend more time with the girls. It was a good visit. Tomorrow afternoon, our realtor is coming over to sign the listing papers and then we are going to look at 2 houses (including V. for the first time). If we list before we go, we don't have to wait until we get back and they can show the house for about 10 days without me having to tidy up every room after the kiddos. That is a big benefit. However, if our house does sell quickly (which I have a feeling it will), it means when we get back from Palm Desert/New York, we have to seriously find a place to move into. Stress but also excitement - conflicting emotions, I don't do so well with that.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
So Much
As in "So much to say but don't even know how to say it."
Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."
Or "I hate my sister so much."
I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her.
I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again. Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days. Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well. It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis. She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out. How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.
So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house? They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in. It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs. They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists. She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled. Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch. There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy. Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something. Who knows. After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house. So what do they do? Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up. It's insanity on top of insanity.
Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow. I don't know. My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions.
I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her. I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her. She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.
Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.
Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."
Or "I hate my sister so much."
I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her.
I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again. Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days. Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well. It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis. She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out. How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.
So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house? They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in. It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs. They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists. She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled. Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch. There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy. Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something. Who knows. After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house. So what do they do? Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up. It's insanity on top of insanity.
Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow. I don't know. My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions.
I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her. I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her. She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.
Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Day 22 & 23
There have been so many times that I will be driving in the car and I'll glance back at D. and he'll be sitting there diagonally from me in the back seat, looking at me. I'll look him in the eye and smile, a genuine smile, because he's just so doggone cute looking and he gives me this sweet little smile with his perfect rosebud lips pressed together. It inspires me to glance back again (if we're at a red light) and smile at him again just to see his little smile grow bigger. What's so amazing and what hits me directly in the heart is that it's the same exact smile as when he was a mere 1/2 hour old. Well, let me rephrase...he didn't exactly "smile" when he was first born but he did have his lips together in the most serene, content look and that is what this smile is - just a happy, I-love-you-Mommy look that I only get when we're in the car together. Makes my heart melt, do flip flops and my whole being go all gushy.
D. 30 minutes old
Yesterday while D. napped, I. and I got things done around the house and then we all went to swim class. In the afternoon, I. and I played a game and then we went to the chiropractor. It doesn't sound like a memorable day but we had a good day. I did a funny dance after I lost the game to I. because it was a close one and she thought that was hilarious. Our wonderful summer just continues on thankfully.
Today I. went to summer day camp at her school for swim day and I decided to run up to LEGOLAND water park for a fun time and a research trip all rolled into one. We had never been to the water park before and I had no idea if I could successfully keep both kiddos happy since they might want to be in different sections and if there's only one of me that could be a problem.
We got there and ate lunch and then went to the section for littler kids and my goodness, did D. enjoy himself. With all his fussiness the last 2 weeks at the parties, I kind of anticipated some problems but he went in full tilt and we had the best time. He ran around squealing with joy and my face hurt from smiling so much as I watched him. Even when it was time to go and change clothes to go get I. from camp, he didn't throw a fit, probably because he was a little hungry and I enticed him with the last piece of pizza from lunch. Still, he was a hundred times better than the last 2 weekends so maybe it's not the party situation and him having a hard time dealing with it. Perhaps it's the number of people around him that he knows and somehow that makes him feel insecure with me. Because today there were plenty of people around and he was fine separating from me and running around solo. Or maybe it's because I. wasn't there? I don't know but I'll have to keep mixing things up and seeing if I can figure it out. The bottom line of the water park was that I think I. would have a good time if I took them by myself but she would have a better time if I took them with other people to free us two girls to go explore the bigger kid attractions as well.
I find myself more relaxed this summer with the kiddos especially I. I find more humor in what she says instead of getting annoyed. She's been such a joy to be around for the most part, less whiny and complaining, more positive and cheerful and more affectionate with me. I've found more patience to deal with the few times when she's reverted back to Eeyore. I've had time to talk with her about things in the distant future, both life lessons and tips as well as my hopes for her and I and our relationship. I've talked about how important it is for her to find a man that she is friends with and who makes her laugh because life can be difficult and if you don't like the person you are married to, life will be really long and tiring. We've talked about how I will be a Bubbi to her kids and that I will help her when her kiddos are driving her crazy. Yesterday we were talking about how Mommy will always be there through all the hard times that come with life and whether she would want me there when she has her babies (she said she did). I told her I could really help encourage her when she has her babies because I've been through both a baby out of my tummy and one out the other way so I know what I'm talking about. She liked that. Of course my cynical side tells me I'm delusional that she is going to want this 20 years down the line but I am going to try to remain optimistic. Maybe it's strange but I can tell she enjoys it though on some level it touches her to a point that she gets shy and embarrassed but later it comes out in the form of loving affection from her both physically and verbally so I think it's good. I can only hope and pray for the best outcome.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Day 20 & 21
Yesterday I got to sleep until 9am and it was decadent. I did some things around the house and then V. and I went to the gym. We had just enough time to relax for a little while before it was time to go and get the kiddos. On the way home, we went to Fidel's for linner and we really had a nice time. It felt good to have my kiddos with me.
Today we went to the gym and then I took I. for a special afternoon to Belmont Park. She had received a free unlimited ride pass for all the books she had read and so today was the day we used it. We went on a bunch of rides and had a really good time. It was nice to have time with my big girl. Needless to say, we were pooped by the time we got home. The boys had good one on one time with each other and it was the first time that V. had to make a meal and put him down for a nap since he's been born. It's about time.
Yesterday also marked D. turning 23 months old. I can't believe it. This time of year takes me right back like it was yesterday to the time right before he was born. Really makes me emotional but I have to say that I do love hearing how D. says "Momma", he really says it with love and drags it out to make it sound truly meaningful.
Today we went to the gym and then I took I. for a special afternoon to Belmont Park. She had received a free unlimited ride pass for all the books she had read and so today was the day we used it. We went on a bunch of rides and had a really good time. It was nice to have time with my big girl. Needless to say, we were pooped by the time we got home. The boys had good one on one time with each other and it was the first time that V. had to make a meal and put him down for a nap since he's been born. It's about time.
Yesterday also marked D. turning 23 months old. I can't believe it. This time of year takes me right back like it was yesterday to the time right before he was born. Really makes me emotional but I have to say that I do love hearing how D. says "Momma", he really says it with love and drags it out to make it sound truly meaningful.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Day 18 & 19
It went better than expected probably because D. was acting just like he did at Caroline's party and I had my hands and arms full literally and figuratively. Also, my parents did not make comments about allowing I. to stay up late. I did let her stay up later so that she could have cake and ice cream and she didn't go to bed until 6:45, an hour and a half later. She was so exhausted that her eyes were burning and both kiddos were asleep within 5 minutes of going to bed. But only time will tell because often when I think things are okay, all of a sudden they are not.
Because we got home so late and went to bed late, I slept until almost 9 which is unheard of the last couple of years. It was so nice to discuss the paper with V., leisurely get ready and then get some things done around the house. I even squeezed a massage in there before V. and I went to an matinee and then for happy hour with margaritas and tacos. When we got home, we went down to the Jacuzzi for a half an hour or so and now we are kicking back watching a movie. Wow. It's been a long time since we've had a day like today at home and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tomorrow we are going to be picking the kiddos up from my parents around 2:30. We'll see what we can fit in before then.
Because we got home so late and went to bed late, I slept until almost 9 which is unheard of the last couple of years. It was so nice to discuss the paper with V., leisurely get ready and then get some things done around the house. I even squeezed a massage in there before V. and I went to an matinee and then for happy hour with margaritas and tacos. When we got home, we went down to the Jacuzzi for a half an hour or so and now we are kicking back watching a movie. Wow. It's been a long time since we've had a day like today at home and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tomorrow we are going to be picking the kiddos up from my parents around 2:30. We'll see what we can fit in before then.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Drama Warm Up
Oh my gosh, I don't know that I am going to make it through this day. Seriously. I've got to hurry and get this crap out of my brain before we hit the road to my parents' or I am liable to explode.
Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought. What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time. The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do. It's stupid.
So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us". I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up. However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks? Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them." I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow." She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad. Why can't you make an exception this one time?" Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this. So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least. Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years.
I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well. Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want. That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me. I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.
And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do. She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom. Is that a good idea? Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction? So bite me.
We haven't even gotten there and already there's this.
Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought. What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time. The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do. It's stupid.
So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us". I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up. However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks? Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them." I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow." She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad. Why can't you make an exception this one time?" Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this. So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least. Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years.
I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well. Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want. That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me. I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.
And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do. She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom. Is that a good idea? Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction? So bite me.
We haven't even gotten there and already there's this.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Day 17
I woke up in the middle of the night with a bad headache, one that didn't go away until almost noon and even after that, I was so tired. I think it was an emotional hangover. When I talked to V. last night, I got really upset as I told him about the conversation. Everything just hit me - the fact that I felt like my mom had turned on me and attacked me right after I bared some of my soul to her, the tit for tat, her saying that I had responded "nastily", and then that she brought up an additional gripe that she had (I didn't mention this in last night's post) about how I never did confide in her or ask her for help with my first marriage and that she never understood why and obviously she's been harboring that grudge as well. I didn't have time to fully address that attack because my friend came to my door because we weren't at the pool like I told her we would be. Nice hostess that I am. The absurdity that my mom brought up that secondary topic that is from 20 years ago and threw that into yesterday's phone call hit me today and got me mad. It's just so fucking stupid.
I threw myself into enjoying my summer day with my kiddos and tried to forget that I'm going to have to be over at my parents' tomorrow for 8+ hours. God help me. I. and I had a breakfast date at our favorite pancake restaurant this morning while D. was asleep which was great fun. She and I really are having a good time this summer together. Truly and thankfully a 180 from last summer. In the afternoon the three of us went looking at some houses with the realtor which we actually enjoyed. Will be talking with V. about the timing of listing our own house. Stressful but exciting (sort of).
After this week, I have to say that I am SO looking forward to heading out for our annual Palm Desert vacation. Usually we go in June but I am really glad that we had to wait until July because I really am going to need that week of just my little family and to hibernate.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. It's going to be a long day.
Oh and by the way, my sister got out of jail today. Just thought I'd throw that in ... don't have the energy to get into details.
I threw myself into enjoying my summer day with my kiddos and tried to forget that I'm going to have to be over at my parents' tomorrow for 8+ hours. God help me. I. and I had a breakfast date at our favorite pancake restaurant this morning while D. was asleep which was great fun. She and I really are having a good time this summer together. Truly and thankfully a 180 from last summer. In the afternoon the three of us went looking at some houses with the realtor which we actually enjoyed. Will be talking with V. about the timing of listing our own house. Stressful but exciting (sort of).
After this week, I have to say that I am SO looking forward to heading out for our annual Palm Desert vacation. Usually we go in June but I am really glad that we had to wait until July because I really am going to need that week of just my little family and to hibernate.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. It's going to be a long day.
Oh and by the way, my sister got out of jail today. Just thought I'd throw that in ... don't have the energy to get into details.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Exhausting and Upsetting Conversation
Ever since V. has taken the new job in Arizona and we announced that we were thinking of moving to a home with a yard in our area, my parents have been making a full court press to get us to move to North County. When I told my mom that we were considering moving I made a point of telling her we needed to be near the airport so that V.'s commute was not made worse by a long commute from the airport. I knew when she didn't object that more would be coming which there was in the form of my father making a full court press. I gave the reason again of why we wanted to stay in the area but obviously to no avail because they started making little comments here and there every time I saw them and yes, to be honest it annoyed me. Why? Because I already had stated several times our intentions and the reason behind it and still they persisted with little jabs here and there as though I hadn't made the attempt to forthright about our decision. Kind of like, say your piece and then shut up.
With another family get together for 4th of July, I didn't want to spend that long day and night waiting for more comments. It makes me irritable and angry so since we were talking today, I figured it was time for the talk. I told my mom I had to be off the phone by 11:10 so I'd call earlier to give plenty of time. Here's how the phone call went: from 10:00-10:30, she talked about my sister, her release tomorrow and every detail of her future weeks. Then from 10:30-11:00 she moved onto a drama filled story about my brother and his dealings with a guy I knew they shouldn't be involved business-wise with but whom they thought would be an okay guy to deal with. This is not the first time that they've gotten involved with someone and I've stated that I don't like the sound of him, been poo-poo'd and then it turns out that the guy's an a-hole and now they're in fear of being sued etc. So both stories were kind of irritating to me but what was especially irritating is that she knew I had a limited time to talk and this is what she wants to talk about.
Finally while D. is now up and crying because he wants me to carry him, I tell my mom we need to talk about the moving subject. I cannot go through it blow by blow but I was tactful and restated that we needed to be by the airport and that that was the only request V. had out of this whole thing and I respected that and wanted to honor that considering that he could have asked me to move to Arizona but didn't even ask. I also said that I felt bad that they seemed to think from what they had said that I didn't want to move close to them because I was concerned that they would be over all the time which wasn't true at all. I said some very nice and emotional things about how thankful I was to get to spend (and the kids getting to spend) all this time with them since D. has been born. I told her that this was stressing me out because I felt like I was having to be the bad guy with them by doing the right thing for my little family.
She responded with how overly sensitive I was to their comments and that I had asked in a nasty tone, "What does that mean?" at Father's Day when they had made a "joke". I asked her again what the "joke" meant and I was right that it was a little private dig they had between themselves about something I said. She said all this had nothing to do with them wanting me closer as much as it would make my daily life easier because I could just drop the kids off here and there at their house when I wanted to go do something and if I needed anything they could be there in 5 minutes. She was defensive and just kept saying how sensitive I was to anything they said and she guessed they couldn't joke around with me. The tone she used when she was saying all this was hurtful to me. It was like, we did nothing wrong, it's all your fault. Which is how it was when I was a kid and every once in awhile I didn't agree with them or showed some fight against what they viewed as the right way to think so I guess I'm not surprised. It didn't feel any better now than it did back then.
As though it couldn't get any worse, my mom says, "Well since we're talking about what makes each other feel bad, there's something you've said 3 times that hurt my feelings too. But 2 of those times was before you had kids so I thought maybe it was because you didn't understand but the last time you said it was 3 weeks ago."
Now I'm not begrudging her bringing it up. I wish she had the first time I said, or the second time or just 3 weeks ago because obviously I never would say something to purposely hurt my mother's feelings. But to bring it today after I go out on a limb and bare my soul partially about my love for them, it felt like tit for tat and a really gut shot. So I told her to tell me what it was that I said and this was it. I have said when mentioning the hard times I went through (not the depression but before then) that I didn't talk to my mom about it because she had enough to handle with everything that had been going on with my sister. My mom took that to mean that I thought she wasn't willing to give me attention nor help and that I viewed her as an inadequate mother. She asked, "Would you say that to D. if he needed help and you were going through hard times with I.?" I told her first of all, you were dealing with 2 minor children and I was an adult so that's a different scenario. I was an adult, I had made my bed, and now I had to figure out how I was going to lie in it or not. It was time to take responsibility and try to grow up and figure it out. Secondly, they were completely and totally overwhelmed by the years of crap my sister put them through when she was a teenager (and ever since) but all I wanted to do was to help them in any way I could, to help lessen the burden. I gave her examples of what I did to help lessen the burden, ones she can't disagree with. I reminded her that as the oldest child, I have always been responsible, never wanting to make trouble or cause disappointment or be a burden and that's why I didn't offload my pain onto them. They were already overwhelmed by pain. I don't know if she heard it all. I apologized and told her I never wanted her to feel like that's what I thought and that she should have brought it up a long time ago.
I don't even know what to expect on Thursday. I'm sure this has been the topic of conversation between my dad and her and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him how upset and sad I made her. Part of me feels bad but I know I shouldn't. In my family, if you didn't agree, you kept it to yourself or you would pay a price. I guess I'm paying the price but I wonder for how long.
With another family get together for 4th of July, I didn't want to spend that long day and night waiting for more comments. It makes me irritable and angry so since we were talking today, I figured it was time for the talk. I told my mom I had to be off the phone by 11:10 so I'd call earlier to give plenty of time. Here's how the phone call went: from 10:00-10:30, she talked about my sister, her release tomorrow and every detail of her future weeks. Then from 10:30-11:00 she moved onto a drama filled story about my brother and his dealings with a guy I knew they shouldn't be involved business-wise with but whom they thought would be an okay guy to deal with. This is not the first time that they've gotten involved with someone and I've stated that I don't like the sound of him, been poo-poo'd and then it turns out that the guy's an a-hole and now they're in fear of being sued etc. So both stories were kind of irritating to me but what was especially irritating is that she knew I had a limited time to talk and this is what she wants to talk about.
Finally while D. is now up and crying because he wants me to carry him, I tell my mom we need to talk about the moving subject. I cannot go through it blow by blow but I was tactful and restated that we needed to be by the airport and that that was the only request V. had out of this whole thing and I respected that and wanted to honor that considering that he could have asked me to move to Arizona but didn't even ask. I also said that I felt bad that they seemed to think from what they had said that I didn't want to move close to them because I was concerned that they would be over all the time which wasn't true at all. I said some very nice and emotional things about how thankful I was to get to spend (and the kids getting to spend) all this time with them since D. has been born. I told her that this was stressing me out because I felt like I was having to be the bad guy with them by doing the right thing for my little family.
She responded with how overly sensitive I was to their comments and that I had asked in a nasty tone, "What does that mean?" at Father's Day when they had made a "joke". I asked her again what the "joke" meant and I was right that it was a little private dig they had between themselves about something I said. She said all this had nothing to do with them wanting me closer as much as it would make my daily life easier because I could just drop the kids off here and there at their house when I wanted to go do something and if I needed anything they could be there in 5 minutes. She was defensive and just kept saying how sensitive I was to anything they said and she guessed they couldn't joke around with me. The tone she used when she was saying all this was hurtful to me. It was like, we did nothing wrong, it's all your fault. Which is how it was when I was a kid and every once in awhile I didn't agree with them or showed some fight against what they viewed as the right way to think so I guess I'm not surprised. It didn't feel any better now than it did back then.
As though it couldn't get any worse, my mom says, "Well since we're talking about what makes each other feel bad, there's something you've said 3 times that hurt my feelings too. But 2 of those times was before you had kids so I thought maybe it was because you didn't understand but the last time you said it was 3 weeks ago."
Now I'm not begrudging her bringing it up. I wish she had the first time I said, or the second time or just 3 weeks ago because obviously I never would say something to purposely hurt my mother's feelings. But to bring it today after I go out on a limb and bare my soul partially about my love for them, it felt like tit for tat and a really gut shot. So I told her to tell me what it was that I said and this was it. I have said when mentioning the hard times I went through (not the depression but before then) that I didn't talk to my mom about it because she had enough to handle with everything that had been going on with my sister. My mom took that to mean that I thought she wasn't willing to give me attention nor help and that I viewed her as an inadequate mother. She asked, "Would you say that to D. if he needed help and you were going through hard times with I.?" I told her first of all, you were dealing with 2 minor children and I was an adult so that's a different scenario. I was an adult, I had made my bed, and now I had to figure out how I was going to lie in it or not. It was time to take responsibility and try to grow up and figure it out. Secondly, they were completely and totally overwhelmed by the years of crap my sister put them through when she was a teenager (and ever since) but all I wanted to do was to help them in any way I could, to help lessen the burden. I gave her examples of what I did to help lessen the burden, ones she can't disagree with. I reminded her that as the oldest child, I have always been responsible, never wanting to make trouble or cause disappointment or be a burden and that's why I didn't offload my pain onto them. They were already overwhelmed by pain. I don't know if she heard it all. I apologized and told her I never wanted her to feel like that's what I thought and that she should have brought it up a long time ago.
I don't even know what to expect on Thursday. I'm sure this has been the topic of conversation between my dad and her and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him how upset and sad I made her. Part of me feels bad but I know I shouldn't. In my family, if you didn't agree, you kept it to yourself or you would pay a price. I guess I'm paying the price but I wonder for how long.
Day 15 & 16
Yesterday after D. got up from morning nap, the kiddos and I went and looked at 4 houses that were for sale with the realtor. I. had very particular observations and critiques for each one and she really got me laughing because she is even more particular about houses than I am! Her comments were very specific and many of them quite logical. A good sign was that at the very end she said the only house she liked was the first one which was the only one I liked too.
Today we went down to the pol for a couple of hours and Melissa and Caroline were able to come hang out for a little while as well. As it turned out, both of us were dealing with family disagreements and drama so we were able to get some of it out of our brains, support each other, and realize that we're not the only ones going through this. But this unpleasantness is for a separate post because I don't want it to tarnish the good of my time with my kiddos.
I told I. that she has really been a pleasure to be around this summer and that we are really having a good summer with a lot more fun to look forward to. She was pleased that I said that and I'm pleased that she really has been acting some cheerful, helpful, positive, and fun to be around. D. and her have been having so much goofy fun together and I have been more goofy myself with them and relaxed. This summer compared to last summer is like night and day and that makes me so happy.
Today we went down to the pol for a couple of hours and Melissa and Caroline were able to come hang out for a little while as well. As it turned out, both of us were dealing with family disagreements and drama so we were able to get some of it out of our brains, support each other, and realize that we're not the only ones going through this. But this unpleasantness is for a separate post because I don't want it to tarnish the good of my time with my kiddos.
I told I. that she has really been a pleasure to be around this summer and that we are really having a good summer with a lot more fun to look forward to. She was pleased that I said that and I'm pleased that she really has been acting some cheerful, helpful, positive, and fun to be around. D. and her have been having so much goofy fun together and I have been more goofy myself with them and relaxed. This summer compared to last summer is like night and day and that makes me so happy.
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