Horrible Nightmare

I had one of my worst vivid dreams this morning. I'm not kidding. It was so bad that when I was telling V. about it tonight at dinner (yes, he actually was here for dinner), I started sobbing and this was over 12 hours later. This was the nightmare.

We were at home and I was standing on top of our roof (come on, it was a dream). Just below our roof but still 3 stories up was a flat patio area full of people including V. I. came running out on the patio, saw me, called out "Momma", and then started running towards me. There was no walls around this patio and she ran right off the edge because she was staring right at me. V. tried to grab her with one arm, then with the other, and as I screamed, I watched her fall down 3 stories and land flat on her back on a wooden deck. It was a horrifying sight and was so vivid that it makes me cry even now as I write it.

I ran down to where she was and cradled her in my arms. Her legs and arms were twitching and only one of her eyes was open. I was telling her how much I loved her. Running through my mind was that there may be hope because she landed on the wood deck rather than the pavement and then her other eye opened up. However, I knew that she probably had internal injuries and needed medical help now so I was screaming for 911. This is when I woke up, screaming.

I don't even know how to end this post. Maybe with the fact that we had a fun packed day today. I. had sports class this morning, then off to the chiropractor to put me back together again, then a lunch picnic in the car and a frozen yogurt treat before we headed off to a pumpkin patch fair to meet my mom for the afternoon. I was thankful to be able to spend time with I. today after such a horrible dream but it still doesn't erase my emotions and memories. I wonder if there is some way to manipulate the memory of a dream to just be a dream and take the feeling of reality out of it?

Mysteries Abound

My last post was all about the present and future pains I was experiencing/anticipating and the weird thing was that there was plenty of "pains" just not the ones I expected.

We (my mom, I. and I) piled into the dentist office that afternoon, me a less stressed due to the Ativan and they got me in the chair. They put the topical on my gum and let it sit there and then my dentist came in. Mind you, the last time I was in and was told of this cavity, her new partner who I had never seen before, came in and delivered the bad news curtly. My regular dentist is a nice woman, who takes the time to smile and talk with you. So she walked in and said cheerfully, "How are you?" and I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not amused whatsoever about having to be at her office today. She actually looked surprised. Really, I'm sure this wasn't the first time she's ever heard it but I guess it was the first time she's heard it from me. She said she wanted to take a look at the cavity since she never had actually seen it and then get this...she proceeds to tell me there is NO CAVITY!

I almost cried, really I did because I was so thankful to not have to go through this and so happy that I still don't have any cavities. Then I got pissed off that I had to go through all of this, drag my mom into it, and stress about it for 3 weeks. But right after that, I was and still am so happy! And I'll tell you what, I'm flossing every stinkin' day!

So after dodging that bullet, the next day (yesterday) I woke up feeling pretty okay until about an hour and a half later when I was fixing I. her breakfast. All of a sudden, I felt like I was going to throw up, then exhaustion hit, chills, and a headache. My stomach hurt so bad, I had to lay down for 2 hours and try not to move so I wouldn't throw up. Thankfully, I. behaved herself though not quietly until finally I had to get up, get ready, and fix her lunch or she wouldn't make it to school. Wouldn't you know that today was the day I signed up to work at her class? I tried to tell I. that I may have to ask for another day because literally, I could have fallen asleep right there which is highly unusual for me, but I. was so disappointed and she kept sobbing and what could I do? So I made it through her class by sucking it up and enjoying it, got her home, fed, and in the bath whereupon I laid down on her bedroom floor and dozed in and out between her many questions. Bathed her, read to her, got her in bed, me in the shower and then I dozed off for 30 minutes. Mind you, I hadn't eaten all day and had no appetite which is not normal for me so I choked down some chicken noodle soup and bread for dinner. I'm not sure what it was - today I wasn't 100% either but I felt substantially better. It's times like these when I feel sorry for myself for not having anyone to fall back on - I have to suck it up and continue on even when I feel like I could just fall over. Who says being a momma isn't the toughest job? Ain't no sick time here baby!

So as I said, mysteries abound - the quasi-cavity, the hit-you-between-the-eyes illness and still my back is recovering. Hoping that the rest of this week is filled with less pain and more smiles.

A Day

I woke up yesterday with a pulled muscle in my back and today it is still very tender. Add to that the threat of having our water turned off 8am-3pm, my first cavity being filled this afternoon and you have a cornucopia of a long day. We're going to the gym just to have secure access to bathrooms this morning and then my mom is supposed to come over to watch I. while I go to the dentist.

You see, I have a thing about teeth. As in kind of a phobia, gross-out type of thing. Always have, even when I was a kid. I've never had any kind of work done at the dentist aside from cleanings, which by the way I have a hard time with. It's like an overload of sensations that I can't escape from - wetness, grittiness, the scraping sound, the scraping feeling, the blood - ugh, it's almost too much for me. And now, the cavity filling, God help me. Or if not Him, may the 2 Ativans that I'll be taking at 1pm help me to just not care. Apparently, I'm lucky enough to have the only dentist to not offer nitrious oxide.

What a day.

A Different Kind of First

This week I experienced another first but this time with one of the older girls (B.). I looked at my Facebook page the other night and I saw that B. was listed in the right margin as a suggested friend. Hmm, that's new, she's never been on there before, I guess she just joined.

I click to look at her profile and what does she have posted as her profile picture? A picture of her smoking a hooka or something very bizarre looking. I guess we're hoping it's a hooka at this point. Now I know she doesn't want her father or I seeing this picture but I guess she didn't put all the pieces of the puzzle together and figure that we're on there and can see her. What's really funny is that the two of us are probably showing up as "suggested friends" on her FB page.

V. is not one to miss an opportunity to wind up their mother so he calls her up and gets her frothing at the mouth. I hate to think what happened when B. walked back in the house last night because the shit was definitely hitting the fan. I'll probably hear what happened later tonight when V. gets home. I have a feeling this is the first of many lessons one or both of the girls are going to be painfully learning in the next few years.

As Promised - Pictures

I still haven't figured out the rhyme and reason to the order of posting pics on here. It seems no matter the order I upload the pic in, they are shuffled. So "bear" (see first pic) with me:

We had to wait quite a long time to get a piece of pie at Mom's Pies. Once we got in there, I was happy to see something that would distract I. and make for a cute picture too. I have to say, she waited in line really well!

Picking apples at the apple orchard just outside of Julian. It was off the beaten path and we drove with our windows down to enjoy the cold mountain air and forest views.

Heading into Dudley's for a carb-fest of bread. We both look forward to having a piece at breakfast every day.

Our apple bag was getting full and heavy as I. found out. I made some baked apples with dried cranberries, honey, and walnuts as a filling - awesome!

This is where we ended up eating lunch in Julian. Had her pose with the menu since the name of the restaurant rhymed with her name.

Such a good time for both of us. Now if I could just figure out how to have the DVD playing in the backseat without me having to listen to it too, we'd be in business. I've done it successfully once and it was a godsend. For this trip, I had to listen to Curious George and some other British cartoons that got stuck in my brain for days on the way up and back. We only use the DVD player for long (once a year) trips so I. is thrilled when I announce that we're going to use it. I do have to say that I'll take Curious George ANY DAY over Elmo's Adventure full-length movie that we played on the way to Palm Desert last New Year's (I. and I again). Now that was torturous!

Experiencing Another First

Today I was planning on I. and I heading up to Julian for her first visit. I figured going up on a Monday would be a great idea because the crowds would be limited. However Mother Nature had other plans for us and as it turned out, it was a good thing she did.

Yesterday morning a light storm moved into San Diego and when I looked at the weather, that same storm was going to head into Julian overnight, leading to thunderstorms today. So after V. left for the airport (yes, on a Sunday morning), I decided that I. and I were going to have our road trip now or never.

It turned into a great trip for us. It only took us 45 minutes to get to our first stop, Dudley's Bread, to pick up some delicious bread loaves and munch on a piece of Date Nut bread on the way to our next stop. (Can you tell I had been in research mode the night before?) Our next stop was an apple orchard where we picked a bag of apples which was something I had never done. Then onto the town of Julian which unfortunately was very crowded for lunch, wandering, and then waiting in line for a piece of Mom's Pie. We both decided on Apple Cherry Crumble and it was delicious. The weather was perfect, about 59 degrees, just like how you want it to be when you're visiting the mountains. It was so fun to be there with my little girl after having memories of being there with my parents when I was a little girl. So much has changed but when we were there, so little had changed too. In a way it was comforting.

I'll never miss the chance to experience a "first" with I. They are the highlights of my motherhood and the things that always get me through those things I secretly wish were "lasts".

Now if I can just figure out a way to not be so doggone sad/practically grieving about next year when she goes to school full-time. I just can't help but see it as the beginning of an end and one that I didn't anticipate coming so rapidly. I cannot be the only mother who feels this way but I feel like the intensity with which I feel it is out of proportion to "normal" mothers. I know my mom cried on my first day of school every year because summer was over so I think she probably did feel this way. I'll have to ask her when I talk to her this week.

***Pictures to follow***

Unstructured and Inefficient

You know those times when you get absolutely frustrated because you are trying to get one simple thing done but by the time seven other things have interrupted you, it winds up becoming an all day project? That's kind of how today's schedule is looking.

Today is supposed to be my big chunk of time to get something or nothing done. Originally I was supposed to have lunch with a friend (same one that cancelled last week) so I figured I could drop I. off, run to the gym, have lunch with my friend and still have a chunk of time before it was time to pick I. up.

Instead, it's looking like one big fragmented day which tends to drive my highly organized mind crazy because more often than not, the day ends and I really haven't gotten anything of consequence accomplished. Which frustrates me to no end.

So how did my efficient day disintegrate? Well, my lunch got changed to coffee to occur 30 minutes after dropping I. off so that eliminates going to the gym beforehand. Then the pumpkin patch is being set up today at I.'s school and during their playground time, there will be pictures and she'll get to pick out a pumpkin. Last year, this happened right before school ended but this year, it's at 2pm, an hour before the end of school. I. asked me twice in an hour yesterday if I would come to the pumpkin patch and how could I possibly say no? Especially considering that I'm constantly hearing the clock ticking down when she's in school full-time and I'll only get a few hours, if that, with her during the weekdays. Plus, of course I want to see her at her pumpkin patch.

I responded yes I would be there and now I. has requested that after the pumpkin patch, I come back into her classroom for the rest of the school day. So there goes that chunk of time. I don't know what'll I'll be doing in between the two schedule-busting events. I guess I'll pack gym clothes just in case and some reading material and I'll just play it by ear. My favorite.

I don't think it helps any that I had many nightmares and a screaming night terror last night. They just wouldn't stop - talk about exhausting. Nights like that almost make me happy when it's time to get up. Note: I used the word "almost" ...

Random Pictures

I. is loving her sports class. Last week was football and she scored a touchdown against 5 boys. You go girl!

Here is a picture of Mr. Poopie Butt. This is the cat who desperately needs a GPS for his ass since he tends to poop with his ass hanging out of the box. Thank God I love him.

These were the flowers I got last year for my anniversary. They're nice and I know, it's the thought that counts but check out below what I got for this year's anniversary.

I told you this year's anniversary was on MUCH better terms. This picture confirms that.

This was the surf and turf course, our fourth course. It was beyond heavenly. Sweet lobster, tender buttery steak, smoked potatoes, delicate greens and carrots with carmelized onions.

Cinderella

You know how when you have a really good dream and it's one of those realistic ones that you actually are feeling exactly how it would feel in real life but then you wake up and realize sadly that it was just a dream? That's how I felt today. But first the good stuff...(yes, this is going to be a long post)

I neglected to mention in this morning's post something surprising that V. did on Sunday. A longtime work friend is leaving for Australia for a couple of years and wanted to get together with V. in LA before he left. So V. told me he was going to spend Sunday up there with him and would be spending the night up there and I was fine with that as long as he didn't have a hangover for our anniversary.

First of all, I thought he was spending all day watching sports with his friend but he didn't end up leaving until 2:45 so we got to spend most of the day together after all. He drove all the way up to Pasadena getting there around 5:30. He watched the game and left at 9pm and drove all the way home so he could sleep here. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I figured if he got out having fun with this guy, he would be like a dog waiting for the gate to be left open. When I asked him about it last night at dinner, he said that sleeping in a hotel wasn't anything special and that he wanted to sleep at home because he hardly ever got to. Sad but true and I was so glad that he felt like that since I felt the same way.

Yesterday morning, V. posted on his Facebook page for all to see that "Seven years ago I married the hottest girl in San Diego." Okay, so once I picked myself off the floor, I texted him asking if he was feeling okay because that was a declaration of love for all to see. I couldn't believe it. When he got home in the late afternoon, he had a beautiful bouquet of red roses with my favorite sweet smelling lilies mixed in - wow!

Dinner was terrific though it had a twist at the beginning. It turns out that the lobsters didn't get Al Gore's memo that there's global warming and that due to an extra cold ocean temperature this summer, there were not enough local lobsters to have a tasting menu. The waiter was aware that we had had our reception and anniversary dinners at this restaurant but didn't know until I told him that we always got the lobster tasting menu with wine pairing. When he found out, he said, "Let me talk to the chef for a minute." and then the manager came over and few minutes later and said that if we wanted, the chef would put together a special tasting menu with a Maine lobster and do a wine pairing with it. If we wanted?! Well of course I wanted but the price was high so I hesitated. V. looked over and said that he knew I looked forward to this all year and to please not worry about the price. That statement really communicated his love to me - it was so generous, loving, and sweet of him. So we went for it and the chef did not disappoint. In fact, he enjoyed it so much that he came out at the end of the dinner to shake our hands and thank us for letting him be so creative and trusting his choices. I felt like I was a celebrity on The Food Network or something.

While the food was wonderful, V. and I had an even more wonderful time, talking, flirting, and teasing. His card was touching and he agreed with what I wrote in my card that we are better now than we were before and that this anniversary is so much better than last year's. The whole day was perfect.

Which brings me to the title of my post. Because I went to bed on cloud nine, sleeping next to my hubby who made me feel so special and loved by his actions two days in a row. And I woke up to an empty bed like usual and once I. went to school, I was by myself and silent like always. It was like the clock struck midnight, the dream ended, and reality began.

I know "Wah", right? It's just that I would do so much better with a more gradual change of things, you know like easing back into my normal workweek. On the weekends, we're all together and then BAM - it's just I. and me and when she's in school, it's just me. Which would be fine if V. was home at night for dinner and company. Hopefully, he'll get pulled into some LA projects soon and then we may be able to have a more "normal" family life and marriage. Really, life would be SO much easier for us if we could have a few more nights together in a week.

Creepy

I was reading the morning paper today and as I always do, glanced through the obituaries and I saw a picture of me. Well okay, it wasn't really a picture of me but it looked just like me. That's a first. I showed the picture to I. and said, "Who does this look like?" and she said, "You Mommy."

Yeah, so obviously it does look a lot like me, a dead ringer in fact and she's dead. Thank God today wasn't my 40th birthday or something like that or I'd really be freaked out.

Seven Years Ago

Seven years ago (plus an hour), V. and I were married in a sunny chapel down in La Jolla surrounded by our friends and family and then enjoyed a lunch party at George's. Tonight we will be heading to George's for our traditional anniversary dinner and I have my fingers crossed that they will have their lobster tasting menu and wine pairing. It is Bliss with a capital B. It's also EXPENSIVE in all caps but it's once a year and considering what we've been through the last couple of years, am I really going to worry about what one dinner costs?

Speaking of what we've been through, I am happy and relieved that this anniversary we are in much better shape than last anniversary. We weren't fighting or anything like that. It was more like so much had gone on but was still floating under the bridge. We had non verbally called a truce just to get some time and distance to begin healing but nothing was really resolved so uneasily we both knew that it could all happen again.

But it all got processed and I think we not only understand ourselves a little better, we are more careful with one another to not let things get that way. If we even sense it's going that way, I'll be the first to call us out on it. I guess I'm the canary of this coal mine. Hopefully the lessons we've learned can continue to be applied to ward off the pitfalls of the last year or so. Things would be so much easier if we could just live in the same house seven days a week but that doesn't seem to be in the cards anytime soon.

So we go into this dinner and into our eighth year, happy and strong and I'm proud of that.

A Sad First

Of course I miss Mark. And of course I've wished I could talk to him openly, totally relaxed, and honestly like we used to. But since he's died, I'm always cognizant that Mark's dead and I can't talk to him.

Yet this afternoon, after I had been by myself for a couple of hours while I. was at preschool, I thought, "Oh I'll call Mark." Because that's what I used to do when I had a moment to myself. And after he got sick, I used to check in with him briefly every Saturday evening.

And then I remembered, "I can't talk to Mark anymore."

And it made me sad, very sad because he was a friend that would never cancel plans with me, never let me down, and be there when I needed him the most. Basically the kind of friend I was to him.

No, I don't have a lot of friends and I know it's because of me. It's not that I'm unfriendly or don't like people, it's because that's who I am. I don't like to spread myself thin, I like to invest. That doesn't just hold true for friendships but relationships in general. I wasn't the girl who dated a lot of guys but the ones I did go out with I was totally invested in and usually ended up getting my heart broken as a result. That's the downside of me. The upside is that when I do make a connection, it is one that I will fight to the death for with all of my being and when it works out, it's truly a one of a kind relationship.

My friendship with Mark was one of a kind. My relationship with V. is one of a kind. With all the crap that has been endured in the past 3 years, our marriage is surprisingly fresh and strong. Some fine tuning here and there has helped bolster our confidence that we really are on the same team and injecting some fun along the way has helped us recapture the early days. We may not always take the same road but we always wind up in the same place.

Stupidity Part Deux

I hate to seem like I'm on the "everybody is stupid" rant because really I'm not. It's just that things that I would expect to be obvious and required are becoming hard to find.

I already expounded on the newspaper delivery challenge here. Here's the other thing: in less than a week, the same freeway overpass has been hit twice resulting in the entire freeway being closed down for a cumulative 7 hours. Doesn't that sound like something that should immediately be looked at and remedied? Of course not, why do that when you can just shift the blame around like a shell game?

"It's up to the driver of the big rig and their company to ensure that they can clear all bridges and overpasses in their route."

Uh, yeah but they aren't. This overpass has been hit twice, once dislodging a steel beam from it and today, dislodging a tractor off of a flatbed which collided into someone's vehicle. What the heck are they waiting for - a fatality?

Not only is the freeway hosed in a MAJOR way, it makes me wonder how foundationally sound the bridge itself is since it keeps taking direct hits. But no worries, just continue passing the buck and pointing fingers. We'll just keep our fingers crossed locally and hope that nothing really bad happens.

Nothing Like Stating the Obvious

When we came back from Puerto Rico, getting the papers restarted turned into a major hassle as in multiple phone calls every morning for about a week. It was truly ridiculous. It culminated in the ultimate in stupidity when I happened to look down a random "alley" at the end of our long row of townhouses and saw 8 papers sitting there. This "alley" is more like an outdoor hallway and contains the water main and SDGE electrical/gas readouts for the whole row. Doesn't that sound like a good place to deliver all my papers? Yeah, believe me I thought so too.

It appears that we're going back to that place of paper insanity because out of the blue, after many weeks of successful delivery, we didn't get 2 out of 3 of our papers yesterday. Then today, the same thing. However, when V. drove down the street on his way to get the girls this morning, he happened to glance down this same "alley" and lo and behold there were our 2 papers from this morning. So I had the pleasure of calling one of the newspaper companies and had this lovely, cerebral conversation to start my weekend:

Me: "They are delivering the papers to an small alley at the end of my townhome row. There is nothing there but the water mains and electrical boxes for everyone's house."

Them: "Well, where would you like your paper delivered?"

The fact that this question was even asked made me want to cancel the paper right then. What were my options I wonder? The roof, my bedside table, under my pillow?? I almost asked but Saturday morning is no time for sarcasm. So instead I said:

"My front porch?"

And she said, "I'll put that in the instructions for the carrier, that you would like it delivered to your front porch."

Oh my gosh, what is this world coming to when a newspaper delivery guy has to be specifically told to deliver the said newspaper to the front porch?! Scary, that's what this is.