It's Over - Now What?

WARNING - THIS IS A LONG MOTHERLODE OF A POST! (You've been warned!)

Sitting on the patio right now, quietly going over the day's events - so much to digest. I'm full of so many emotions right now that it is actually uncomfortable but I guess that's normal. I am so thankful that all the things I wished for in this morning's post came to pass. There was no drama, the weather was perfect, and a lot of people showed up. On top of that, Brian and I both made it through our eulogies without crying. We had to stop and swallow hard quite a few times but we did it. The interesting thing is that although we never talked about what we were going to write and really haven't spoken to each other before these past 2 weeks, our eulogies were very similar. We even ended with the same exact sentence. Both of them contained funny stories too so there was some laughter which Mark would have liked. At the end of mine, when the Van Halen song started playing, we gave each other a big hug and said "We did it. Mark would have loved that." The families were especially touched and went out of their way to say the nicest, loving things to both of us as did many of his friends. There were a lot of tears during the song but it ended the service perfectly.

Afterwards, we went to lunch with Jodi and her family but it ended up that about 35 of Mark's friends showed up so we sort of had a preview of what Saturday's party is going to be like. Mark has great friends so we really had a good time especially with huge schooners of beer being downed by all. Then Brian and I headed over to the Hettergotts and spent a couple of hours there and Mark's 3 other closest friends showed up and stories started flowing as did more beer and some whiskey that Mark's dad got out. I was put in charge of the whiskey bottle (I didn't have any of that) and declared myself the "bottle bitch". Mark's friends liked that! It's so funny how I really didn't have any interaction with them before but we just all jell. I don't feel like the odd (wo)man out at all. I feel like one of the guys and it's nice. Brian and I have really bonded and that is comforting to both of us I think. It's as though we're two sides of the same coin. I hope we can continue being friends and not only help each other with the healing process but help the Hettergotts and Jodi as they make the painful transition.

So for all of this, I am so thankful but I don't feel happy and that's the disconnect of emotions. I feel sad, mournful, and am hurting. I feel like I lost the one person in my life who knew how to be when I was sad and hurting without me having to spell it out line by line and then demand that it be followed. Our relationship was always so easy - much of it was based on an intuition we had about each other that could never be explained. We didn't have to think of what to say or how to be, because if we trusted our instincts, it was always right. We could go weeks without talking during the busy times of our life and then pick up the conversation right where we left off. Again, always easy.

That's the thing I mourn the most especially now since I'm going through one of the most difficult times in my life and I don't feel like I'm getting what I need. Don't get me wrong - when it comes to all of the logistics for I. the past week and a half, everyone has been great and very helpful. The kindness showed in that regard was so helpful and allowed me to not worry about her as I tried to be there for Mark and family as much as possible. And I have had about 4 friends who have really made it a point to check in on me and send encouraging messages and that has helped me tremendously. Aside from that though, my parents and V., who should be my primary sources of emotional support, have been frustrating at best to pissing me off. Don't get me wrong, my parents have helped tremendously with taking care of I. and coming to the funeral today so that I would have somebody. The only thing that frustrates me about them is they don't want to let me grieve. Maybe it's just a parents' thing or maybe it's their avoidance of anything negative but it doesn't help me at all. When I came home last night after 4 hours at the viewing, my mom didn't really ask me about it and was talking about I. and then gave me a bunch of funny emails my dad had collected for me to read "when I was really down." I bit my tongue because I know they mean well and they have really been helping me the past week but it pissed me off. For one, "when I was really down"? You think maybe I'm already there and have been for awhile? Try watching someone you love, the same age as you, with his life cut way too short, fight to live for 3 days - hold his hand, stroke his hair, kiss him while whispering it's okay for him to go now, that everything is okay even when for you and his family everything is so NOT okay. It changes you. This is not the natural order of things. I've went through this with my grandfather two years ago and it was really sad. I felt extremely bad for my mother and cried for her since she had just lost her mother the year before. But it was so different because they got to live their lives, hold and raise their children, enjoy their grandchildren, and have good, long lives. Mark didn't and I'm angry for him, for Jodi, for Hunter, for his awesome friends, and for me because we had so much more to talk about, laugh about, and be supportive of each other. So, going back to my parents, I feel like saying "Let me grieve, I want to grieve, I need to grieve, let me be."

That's been another thing that has made being around Brian and Jodi comforting is because we're all suffering so we're experiencing the same things. Last night I said to Brian "How's your appetite?" He said it was greatly reduced and asked about mine. I said "Pretty much can't eat." Jodi's been in that same boat too. Then he asked how my sleep was and I said "Vodka and herbs have been helping once I finally get to bed." He said he wasn't sleeping much at all. It made me feel like what I'm physically going through is okay instead of having to defend and explain it all.

V. is a whole story by itself. At this point, I don't know what to think and am so overwhelmed that I can't think about it in its entirety right now. It's one thing not to be here physically, it's another not to be here emotionally. Never once has he said "I wish I could be there", "I wish I could hug you" and I don't get it. When we were driving him to the airport Sunday after being home 16 hours, he asked me in a irritated sort of way "What, you want me to not go?" and I said, "Yeah, that's exactly what I want you to do." He didn't say anything but had an annoyed look on his face and I didn't want to fight before he got on a plane or in front of I. so I dropped it. Then last night he didn't call at all and he knew about the viewing. Before I went to bed around 11:30, I left a message for him crying that I couldn't believe that he didn't call when he knew how hard the day was going to be. He finally did call around 1:30 this afternoon after he got to the airport, didn't mention my message, but finally asked the question I've been telling him for over a week that I want him to ask "How are you doing?" Whenever we would talk, he wouldn't even ask what was going on and the only thing he would say in regards to me personally was "Hang in there." I finally put a stop to that and told him the next time he said that without asking how I was, I was going to hang up. Today, I told him that I would probably be in bed before he got home and that I was exhausted and needed him to get I. up tomorrow and he agreed and said he would be very quiet tonight. If he had always been like this, then fine, my bad. But when we were dating he was 180 degrees from this and that's why I just don't get it.

Looking forward to Saturday's party for Mark. Before V. left I told him that I didn't care if the girls were there or not, we were going to this party but tonight I'm rethinking that. I think we'll take separate cars so that they can come for some of it and V. can pay his tardy respects to Jodi and the families. Then they can leave and I can thoroughly enjoy myself at Mark's party without worrying that there's 3 people (I know I. would be okay with a playground nearby) suffering from boredom and wanting to leave. I'm not leaving this party until I am ready to go, not because of somebody else. This is what I need and I want to hang out and enjoy Mark's stories without worrying about anyone else. If that makes me seem selfish or bitchy, well then I guess I'm selfish and bitchy. And after going through this without any kind comments from V. or the girls, you know what, that's what you get. Right now, I want to be with the people with whom I can just BE - whether that's laughing or crying, these are the people who are in the boat with me and who I feel comfortable with. If you're not in that boat with me, then that's because of your own actions or lack of actions.

The Morning of the Dreaded Day Has Arrived

Well, here I am the morning of the day I've been dreading since Mark got diagnosed on March 27, 2008. How do I feel? About the way I thought I would - extremely sad, extremely nauseous, and exhausted. I can't change the situation obviously so I guess at this point, all I can ask for is that a lot of people show up, there is no drama, that we have beautiful weather, and that Brian and I do Mark proud with our eulogies. I know there's no hope of both of us getting through them without breaking down so I won't even wish for that. I just hope we cover all the wonderful things that made Mark "Mark", help everyone there remember their good memories with Mark too, and somehow soften the pain for the families. A friend of mine used that word "soften" the other night and I like it and it somehow soothes me. He said the pain of losing Mark will never go away, but it will soften. It's a good word because my pain feels sharp, like it's slicing me inside so it becoming softer would really be a nice thing.

A Hard Day That Ended Well

This afternoon was Mark's viewing and although I tried to take care of myself by going to the gym and then to my therapist's, by 2pm., my stomach was in knots and I was feeling completely exhausted. I went and it was tough going up to see Mark. I've never seen a dead body before and having your first be your best friend who is the same age as you was tough. Honestly, I felt like I was going to throw up. But then, Jodi and I talked about good memories of Mark and as some of his friends came by, we continued that kind of conversation so it wasn't completely sad. Still emotionally draining to say the least but it was okay.

One good thing is that Mark's dad hugged Jodi before they left so that made me feel like things were going to be fine for tomorrow. The other good thing is that there is a supportive friendship beginning between Mark's male best friend, Brian, and I which would probably make Mark happy. We've been talking since Thursday every night, trying to work out logistics for the party on Saturday and keep each other apprised about family matters. Tonight we went outside to talk about the service logistics for tomorrow and we both said how even though we've never talked before, we feel so comfortable talking and joking around with each other. It's like we are the male and female counterparts of Mark's best friend. He was warning me that he would probably be crying the whole time and I was telling him that he was going to "take me out" in terms of me trying to get through my eulogy without breaking down.

As luck would have it, his wife and kids left today and won't be back for a week and V. won't be back until 11pm tomorrow. So, tonight, I gave him a call to see how he was doing on his eulogy and if he was okay in his empty house. It's a good thing I did because he said that after the service and lunch with Jodi tomorrow, he was going to the Hettergotts and they had told him how they wanted to invite me too because I had been such a help through these difficult times and how good a friend I was to Mark but didn't want to cause problems with Jodi. That made me happy to hear them say that about me and I guess I successfully navigated this whole sad thing as Switzerland. So I'll be going over there when Brian goes and I'm glad about that.

I told Brian that before I went home to play Mommy tomorrow, I was going to need a stiff drink. In a way, after all the barstool talks I've had with Mark, it just seemed right. I asked Brian if he wanted to come with me since both of us have had plenty of alcoholic beverages with Mark and it just seemed right going forward that after burying him and making sure that both his families are okay, that Mark's two best friends sit on barstools next to each other, having a drink and thinking of him. It'll never be same but maybe we can offer some unique comfort to each other since we seem to be the flip side of Mark's coin when it comes to friends.

V. didn't call tonight and I'm not sure why and I don't have the emotional energy to dwell on it. I need to practice my eulogy for tomorrow and I'll try to blog tomorrow evening but can't promise anything.

Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Having Some Fun Now

I will update this post tonight but things are just getting better and better. Had to drive V. to the airport this morning and if my stomach wasn't bad enough already, the drive was like an obstacle course. Closed freeways, accidents, traffic, you name it. V. was stressed out about making his flight and I was stressed out that he was stressed out. By the time I dropped him off, my stomach was in agony. Thank God I went to the gym for a little while and that seemed to help a bit.

But then, Jodi called me because she needs some clothing items and a few other things from Mark's parents' house. And we all know how well things are between them, don't we? I also have a feeling, I'm viewed a little like being on the other side since I've been helping Jodi so that makes for a very uncomfortable situation. Anyways, I called over there and talked briefly, as in VERY briefly, with Mark's dad and call me crazy, the reception seemed a wee bit cold. Part of that pisses me off because this situation is of their doing primarily. It certainly isn't my fault. So I'm going over there with a list and I. in 30 minutes and hoping that it doesn't turn into a bad, uncomfortable situation. I just want everything to be nice for Mark, bottom line and if they say or ask me anything, that's what I'm going to say because really, that should be what everyone is working toward at this point. Will update tonight...

UPDATE: So it wasn't too bad over there most likely due to a comment I made on Thursday when the family seemed surprised that Jodi asked me to be the one to go with her to the mortuary and cemetary after Mark died. I told his family that Mark had asked me months ago to promise him that I would help Jodi with things after he died and that was what I was doing. Today when I showed up at his parents' house to get Jodi's things, I gave both of them hugs and everything seemed somewhat okay. When I went to leave, his mom said, "I bet when Mark asked you to help in this process you never thought it would be like this." I sa d, "Yeah, that's true but I'd do anything for him. My main goal is to make sure that the service is how Mark deserves and would like." I really believe in my heart that they just don't understand why Jodi is so hurt and mad though it seems painfully obvious. That's really a tragedy because that means Jodi is in pain, his family is in pain, and I'm in pain as a third person witnessing Mark's family imploding at this volatile time.

10 Things I Would Rather Do Than Be Delivering An Eulogy for My Best Friend

Don't get me wrong, I'm honored to have been asked to deliver an eulogy for Mark. I've been waking up in the middle of the night and lying awake for hours for the past month, worrying about what I'm going to say when Mark dies. So, at least I'm getting to fulfill all those past worries.

Here are the top 10 things I would rather be doing than writing the eulogy for my best friend:

1. Bungee jumping (I have a real fear of falling)
2. Slam my finger in a car door (I've done that and it really hurts)
3. Punch a wall with my fist (yes, unfortunately I've done that too)
4. Hit my head against a wall (okay, yes it wasn't the brightest thing I've done)
5. Speak in front of a great number of people (yes, done that too on behalf of Mark)
6. Break 2 concrete slabs with my bare hand (yes I did that too for my black belt and successfully I may add!)
7. Go through 36 hours of labor only to end in a ...(see below)
8. C-section (thanks to my beautiful feisty daughter)
9. Have to have your stomach pumped while you're still conscious (yeah, done this one too)
10. Successfully survive serious suicide attempts (I'll plead the 5th on this one)

So I think you get the general idea of what I would be willingly to go through in order to have Mark back, healthy, living, and enjoying his little family. I REALLY don't want to be writing this or having to deliver this while standing in front of his coffin.

For the last couple of days, I have been having a hard time thinking just because I'm so sad, angry, and exhausted. I started working on the eulogy last night and got some random thoughts down finally after 10 pm but they were really disjointed. While I was on the treadmill at the gym this morning, some thoughts came to mind that I jotted down and then while I was stretching at the end, a song started playing on my Ipod from a band that was one of Mark's favorites and as I listened to the lyrics, I really felt at peace and that this was a great send-off song for him.

When I got I. down for resttime, I began writing and rearranging things like a madwoman and guess what? I finished the eulogy. Not only did I finish it but I really feel like it's a home run out of the park, kick ass type of eulogy. As in a perfect one for Mark on all fronts. This gives my mind a rest, one less thing to worry about except for how I'm going to get through it. But, for right now, I'm proud of it and I know if Mark hears it, he would really like it too. And for now, before the bad nights come again, I'm glad for that.

Things Are Really Shitty

Thursday was in my top 2 worst days of my life so far, hands down. My last post showed a picture of Mark and I late Sunday afternoon. As fate would have it, that is the last picture I will ever have with him because he passed away on Thursday morning at 10:52 a.m. I state it cut and dry but I am far from feeling cut and dry.

Now I understand why Mark was hugging me so long and hard because just a few hours after I left on Sunday, he began going downhill. By Tuesday midday, I received the call that Mark was in bad shape and I needed to get over there quickly. I got I. to my parents within the hour and got over there. Hospice had brought a hospital bed in for him and I was shocked to see how much worse he looked. Jodi said, "Look who's here." and he opened his eyes. I said, "There's my favorite guy." and he gave me a little smile. For the next 2 days, we sat by his side, holding his hand, stroking his leg, and whispering in his ear that it was okay to go. Both nights, I would come home after 11pm. and sleep with the cell phone next to me, convinced that he wasn't going to make it through the night. But a 39 year old heart has stamina even if the rest of the body is shutting down.

I think the most heartbreaking moment was when Jodi climbed in the bed with him and began sobbing in a way I have never heard - deep, heart wrenching sobs that just make you wince from the emotional pain they are conveying. She began trying to wrap Mark's arms around her to hold her. The hospice nurse and I helped her with his arms and then I held his hands tightly against her back as she just sobbed uncontrollably. As much as I tried to contain it, I was silently crying huge tears uncontrollably because the whole thing was just so painful. So painful in fact that the hospice nurse started crying. That tells you how bad it was. I'm so glad though that I could help her feel that last holding from Mark.

As soon as he passed on Thursday, only Jodi was in there with him. Right afterwards, she called me in first by myself so I could say that final goodbye which I am really thankful for. I told him I loved him, thanked him for being there through my difficult times, to have a good trip and then kissed him. Then the family came in and I left.

After the mortuary came to pick Mark up, Jodi asked me if I would help her get rid of all the medications as per the hospice instructions. So we donned surgical masks and gloves and disposed of the incredible amounts of medication Mark had been taking to survive. After that, Jodi asked if I would go with her to the mortuary so we went and made the arrangements there and the next morning we went together to the cemetary and took care of that. Jodi has asked if I would deliver the eulogy since there will not be a pastor or priest present. I am so very honored but also wising from the depths of my heart that I wasn't having to do this for my best friend. I think I need to do another separate post just on this topic.

On top of all this, there is a major rift between the family and Jodi right now. Since Mark died, they have been unkind towards her and done some things that you wouldn't believe so now there's this huge volatile situation on top of everything else to deal with. I have talked with her family members and also Mark's best guy friend so that we can run interference between the two parties during the viewing (Tuesday) and the service (Wednesday). Mark was the most nonconfrontational person I know and I will be damned if either function turns into a Jerry Springer show. If it did, it wouldn't even feel like it was for him. Another fucking fantastic to have to worry about.

Thursday night was a pretty horrible night for me; last night not as bad because I was trying to start on the eulogy. Tonight V. is home for 16 hours, so I'm keeping it together. But I am so completely exhausted and just am having a hard time catching up with normal stuff. Went to the grocery store today and just got Lean Cuisine dinners for next week if I can even stomach those, got a load of wash in, and tried to clean up the mess in the house. I swear to God at 3 pm. it looked like a foreclosured house or something until I went running around so that V. wouldn't walk into that after being on planes for over 20 hours.

But now I'm exhausted and I know in my bones that Tuesday and Wednesday are going to be as bad as Thursday night if not worse. It scares me to be honest. The things I used to do to cope with extreme anger, unfairness, and sadness are no longer options. So like Thursday, I truly feel as though I'm climbing the walls without any hope of relief. Thank God I have a therapist appt. on Tuesday morning - I strategically scheduled that without knowing just how much I was going to need it. Maybe we can put together a list of things I can do to give me some relief on those 2 nights.

If It Wasn’t So Damn Unfunny, It Would Be Fucking Hilarious

You know when you wake up and don’t really want to get out of bed because you know it’s going to be a tough day? Well, that was me this morning. I thought I had prepared myself well for the day by getting in a hard, heavy workout this morning and talking to a friend who always brightens my day but in hindsight, it wasn’t enough. The only way things would be better is if I could just have a do-over. Let's just start at the beginning.

Before the gym, V. called, not having a good day at work. Not a surprise since most days in Saudi Arabia aren’t all that great. In the middle of my five minute “allotment”, he says, “I’ve got go.”, and hangs up. Did he all of a sudden begin working undercover for the CIA without my knowledge and his cover was about to be blown? Unless that’s the case, you don’t hang up on someone when they A.) are in the middle of a sentence, and B.) are in need of some kind words to help them deal with a painful visit to a dying friend. I usually don’t get angry at V. but wow, this isn’t the best time to do that to me. So I went to the gym and worked out hard and heavy to get all that negative energy out of me and release those endorphins. I weighed myself at the gym and wasn’t too surprised to see that the “Mark Diet” as I call it, seems to be in full effect since in the past week, I’ve lost 3 pounds. I wanted to drop some weight anyways, I just wish it wasn’t due to having my stomach in knots all the time. Then I talked to a friend who always puts a smile on my face and I. and I headed over to Mark’s house.

I'll just say it plainly - I don't know if he's even got a month left in him. He used to weigh 240 pounds, now he's about 115 and looks less than that. While we were sitting next to each other on the couch, I gave him the list of memories I wrote last night to read. I could tell he was struggling due to all the pain medication he is on and asked if I could read it to him because I would enjoy doing that. The polite guy that he is, Mark said, "Would you mind? That would be great!" So I read them to him and we smiled great big smiles remembering our antics, troubles, and friendship over the last 10+ years. Sitting next to each other shoulder to shoulder, we could have been at Ruth Chris' on the barstools but the grim reality is that we weren't and never will be. I so cherish these moments and opportunities to hang out with him and it amazes me that even with how things are, I can tease him, make him smile, and give him a short escape to better times.

I don't necessarily look forward to the visit because every moment I'm there tears my heart just a little bit more and the emotional aftermath after each visit is hard to deal with. I love spending time with him but it just reminds me how much I'm going to miss him when he's gone. You know what the beautiful thing is, how much he appreciates it. When I went to leave after 4 hours, I helped him stand, gave him a kiss, and we just hugged as tightly as possible for a really long time and he was holding on as tightly as I was. Even though while I am there, I am upbeat and calm, I know he knows how incredibly sad I am. I could feel it in that hug today. For some reason, that knowledge makes me even more sad. Today also was the first time that Jodi acknowledged that the time is near and broke down crying. That didn't make me sad, that just made me fucking mad because it took him a long time to find her and start having that life he wanted so badly and now she's faced with being a widow at 31 with a little baby. This is just going to be so fucking bad. Sorry for the language, it's just how I feel.

So while I was at Mark's, V. calls back on my cell phone to tell me he's not coming home on Tuesday after all. This after he was supposed to be home last Thursday. I was in the middle of pulling up I.'s underwear in the bathroom, I sent her out, and looked in the mirror and almost began laughing hysterically because for some reason, the whole scene seemed surreal to me. I mean, I'm wiping shit off I.'s butt, I've already been hung up on once today, I'm at Mark's house dealing with all that comes with that, and now at 11:30 pm Saudi time V. decides that he has to tell me he's not coming home AGAIN instead of just waiting until tonight (CA time) and letting me know? I don't know it just seemed surreal. Instead of laughing hysterically, I said calmly "I'm visiting Mark and I can't deal with this right now." To V.'s credit, he must have heard something in my voice because he said, "Okay, we'll talk later tonight then." and then I hung up. I don't know, can we all just not rush to the front of the line to give me bad news? Please, take a number and I'll let you know when it's your turn. Keep in mind, he has to leave this Sunday for a week in DC...

Now you may think, whew! that's gotta be it for the day. No, actually not. Got home in time to feed I. dinner and got her in the bath. It's 95 degrees out today so the A/C is on and the house is feeling cool. I get I. out of the bath and while I'm dressing her in her bedroom, I notice that it's kind of warm. I figure the A/C must have shut off and then notice her clock is off and then it clicks, the power has gone off. I go to the circuit breaker to see if that will help but no. So I put I. in minimal pjs and hope that she can fall asleep without her fan, white noise, and night light on. Fortunately for me, four hours in 90 degree weather at Mark's house today has wiped her out so she fell asleep. Meanwhile I came outside to write this post while my computer still had some juice so I'm out here sweltering with a tall glass of water and an adult beverage - I didn't want all those ice cubes to go to waste! Trying to figure out what I can have for dinner without electricity - no salmon 'cause no microwave, no artichoke 'cause no electric ignition on the gas stove. Guess it's going to be a protein bar again (that was lunch).

Something's gotta give - hey, that's one of my favorite movies, maybe I should watch it. Oh wait, I can't, there's no electricity. I'm going to be sitting out here on the patio with a candle singing Kumbaya to myself all night - wait, what's that? The A/C is going on - power is back. Maybe my luck is changing? Nah, probably not but at least I have power, I. is asleep, and if I want, I can watch one of my favorite movies tonight. I won't go as far as to say life is good because right now I'm still angry with "life" but I will say that today's downward spiral may just have started subsiding.

And So It Continues

I'm getting this distinct feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better. I don't mean this to be a downer but it's just my reality right now.

Mark's wife emailed all his friends today asking for everyone to write down their good memories with him for him to read and hang on longer. It's not looking good. She just called me back a few minutes ago and said to come over tomorrow instead of Monday because Mark is becoming increasingly confused each day. I will take my 3 pages of memories that I wrote tonight and go over there. Why is it so much worse when the person is "young" aka your age? I went through this right after Isabella was born with my grandfather and it hurt but I was able to maintain some sort of distance. With Mark, I find it hard to have distance. The memories are so fresh and the pain so intense. It makes me feel my own mortality and instead of making me want to live life to its fullest, it makes me (at least right now) want to curl into a ball, not eat, and drink some adult beverages.

I hope the visit goes better than I expect. I just want to make it to my therapist appointment on Tuesday, have V. make it home safely on Tuesday night (even though he's leaving on Sunday for a week again), and feel some peace again. Especially the peace part...

Deja Vu

When I was 4 months pregnant with I., my grandmother tumbled to her death in her home downstairs in the middle of the night. My mother and I found ourselves inserted into my grandfather's life immediately. We always loved him but had been prevented access to him due to my mentally ill grandmother. As we worked the whole summer at their house, trying to sift through a monumental amount of merchandise, memories, financials, and junk, we quickly understood that my grandfather was suffering from Alzheimer's. It didn't make us love him any less and it was amazing that his long term memory was still intact but short term was nonexistent. Then he began having fearful hallucinations that would cause him to say and do inappropriate things.

I feel as though it's deja vu because now that the ammonia is reaching Mark's brain, he is saying some bizarre things. Sometimes he understands that it's a bizarre comment but at times he doesn't understand what is going on and it saddens me greatly. His wife told me that after she signed the forms to get him out of the hospital and the doctors came in to release him, Mark thought they were all trying to put him down like a dog and he started begging and crying that he didn't want to die yet. I can't even imagine what that must have been like for her to hear her husband beg like that, I'm so thankful I didn't hear that because it would have reverberated in my dreams. As it is, two nights this week, I've woken up because I'm sobbing and the noise wakes me up. It really seems like deja vu in that I feel powerless to help someone I love and they are out of their mind literally, but it's worse because Mark hasn't had 80+ years to live his life - he hasn't even had 40 years and neither have I so it's too soon, too unexpected, too unfair and it pisses me off and saddens me to the point of numbness. Not tears, just that numb depression, unability to feel, great anger. His wife introduced me to his doctors this week as his best friend and I felt honored but when he's gone, what am I? What is left that is meaningful? I know I am a wife, a mother, a daugher but who was there by my side during the tough times, encouraging me, laughing with me, enjoying happy hour side by side, cementing our friendship? Mark, that's who. After that V. but before that, it was Mark and I how do I forget those times? All our crazy thoughts, discussions and memories - they haven't faded away and I'm not ready to let go yet.

Hell in a Handbasket

"Going to hell in a handbasket" def.: a situation headed for disaster without effort or in great haste .

This phrase was such a good way of describing my afternoon, I'd thought I'd title my post and provide the definition of it for you. After a good morning at the park with friends, we came home, ate lunch, and successfully made it to the rest hour. Aah, I thought, so far so good. The rest of the afternoon was busy but stressfree - chiropractor appointment, gas the car up, and pick up the gourmet cat food from the vet. Easy peasy, right?

Well obviously, someone didn't agree because things proceeded to go downhill from the moment I got I. up from resttime. I walked in to discover a diarrhea mess all over the bed. Okay, been there done that so I clean her off, put clean clothes on her, and proceed to strip down the bed. This takes maybe 3 minutes mind you. It's now time to go so I tell I. to go use the potty and she informs me that she's already gone in her underpants. Really, are you serious? Three minutes and I'm already cleaning one mess and she's wet her underpants within steps of not one but TWO potties. So me being Mother of the Year, I tell her she's staying in those panties and we're leaving. Go to the chiropractor and before we leave I ask if she needs to use the potty before we get gas. She informs me she's already gone in her underpants AGAIN. Now I'm really starting to get aggravated. We get gas and drive across the parking lot to the vet to pick up the surf and turf meals (that's what they should be called, damn food costs that much) for the cats. We have to wait a couple of minutes but that's okay because there are some well mannered, potty trained animals to pet. In fact, the ONLY non potty trained animal in the waiting room was I. who began peeing down her leg. I wiped it off with Kleenex and told her she better start holding it right now and that I wasn't messing around. Lo and behold, she did hold it because she has the capability of doing that when she chooses to.

We finally finish the pee fest, I mean our errands, and go home only to discover that one of the cats has left a steaming pile on the carpet for me to find as soon as I open the door. I'm really excited about this and feel extra special because she already left me one to find first thing this morning. Must be my lucky day!

Get I. fed dinner successfully and we're making our way up to her room for bathtime and then bedtime. Yeah, I'm thinking, I'm almost there. We walk into her room and see something that does not bode well for either of us.

Though it doesn't show up in the photo, the fan is on high, moving at an alarming rate of speed and Elmo's six foot long string is completely tangled in various parts of the fan, including the cord to shut it off.

I.'s 3.5 year old psyche is overwhelmed and she begins shrieking and crying at the top of her lungs "NA-NA, NA-NA" (that's what she calls Elmo) I'm looking at it thinking "Oh man, I'm screwed." because I'm going to have to get up on a really tall ladder and try to cut Elmo down without being decapitated. You know, I don't think anyone pointed this out in the Mommy job description 'cause if they had, I'm not sure I would have signed up for this.

I put I. in the bathtub and closed the door. Yeah, I know another Mother of the Year moment, but we do pay good money for swimming classes so I figured she would be okay long enough for me to extracate the balloon from the fan. I sure as heck didn't want her anywhere near the ladder while I was six feet up, with sharp scissors, dodging rapid fan blades.

I got it down, went into the bathroom to get her out and walk into a pond on the floor. For some reason unbeknowst to me, I. has opened the bathtub doors and has been pouring water on the floor. This results in instant ejection from the bathtub and the loss of one book being read at bedtime. Successfully get I. in bed and she falls asleep pretty quickly. Being naughty takes a lot out of a 3.5 year old, obviously.

Once again, I must have missed the memo that today was going to be hell in a handbasket but I'm a smart girl and figured that out all by myself.

A Day of Ups and Downs

On the upside of things, another good day for I. and I on the behavioral front! Just a wee bit of testing but when she saw that I meant business, she stopped whining, talking back, and disobeying. To make sure I wasn't adding to the problem, I allowed her to choose between 2 healthy options for meals and let her participate more in preparing her meals which she enjoyed. She and I enjoyed each other throughout the day and again, even she appreciated the smoother relationship. I pointed out to her how well she listened to me and behaved and how fun it was that she and Mommy got along so well all day long. She was sitting on my lap when I told her this and her face lit up in a happy smile and gave me a big, enthusiastic hug. Yay!

The hard part of the day was that I was able to go visit Mark in the hospital this afternoon for a couple of hours. I was really happy about getting to see him and I was glad to see him but it was a tough visit. For one, I haven't seen him since mid March because he's been putting me off and I've been trying to respect his need for space. So seeing him today with just his hospital pants on was a shock. I'm used to the tubes coming out of his stomach and all the things he's hooked up to. What was shocking was how thin he was. His upper arm is about the width of my wrist and there is just nothing left on him but skin. I almost teared up when I saw him because he looks like one of those pictures of concentration camp victims. I just wasn't at all prepared for that.

On top of that, this afternoon they had a meeting with all the doctors and have decided that it's time for hospice to step in and start helping at home, keeping him comfortable and try to keep him out of the hospital as much as possible. My heart broke a little hearing that even though I know it's in Mark's best interest and I don't want him to suffer more than he needs to. It was just hard to hear. His liver just cannot take anymore - between the numerous tumors (2 new ones discovered this week) and all the narcotics and medications it's having to process, his liver is barely working at all.

Three other friends of his came to visit while I was there and we were all laughing most of the time. It was good to see Mark smile. When it came time for me to leave, I told him I was going to be coming around more often and Jodi said "April, you just check with me on when is a good time, don't worry about Mark." I said to him with a smile, "Did you hear that? I'm not going to try and go through you any more to come and see you because I never see you when I do that. I don't want you to think I'm being rude but that's just how it needs to be." And he said that yes, he heard what Jodi said and that it was fine. What really touched my heart was that Jodi asked I. if she wanted to give Mark a hug goodbye. Even though he was naked from the waist up, skin and bones, and tubes coming out every which way, I. went over to the bedside and gave him a really good hug. I mean, this is a kid who, if she doesn't want to do something, has no problem stating that and also asks a ton of questions. But she hugged him and later on the ride home asked about the tubes in his tummy. I really thank God that he gave I. the compassion to get over the appearance of Mark and show him true affection. That actually brings all my emotions to the surface, it just touches me. Then I hugged him tightly and was struck with how small he is now in body size but not in the amount of will he has left.

This is such a tragedy - he just celebrated his first Father's Day last month. I know I have the strength to be there for him for as long as he needs me. It may tear me up inside but I am not afraid of being around the end times for someone, especially him, and only want to make things as good as they possibly can be for him at that point. It really makes me overwhelmingly sad though...

A Really Good Day

Finally, we had a really good day. I say good, not great, only because Mark is in the hospital not doing well and V. is still not home. But in the grand scheme of things, I am thrilled with today.

The relationship between I. and I has been tenuous at times the past month and a half due to potty training and behavioral problems. Potty training is slowly getting better so the frustration level is lower but the behavioral problems have intensified especially since V. has been gone. Spitting at me, talking back, and generally being defiant when I ask her to do (or not do) something are the top three things we've been addressing. I realize these things make her sound like an unmitigated brat but I. really is not - she's just passionate and impulsive (yeah, she's 3) and she's dealing with her daddy being gone for long periods of time. Of course, I write this calmly and with perspective as she's asleep now. Too bad, I don't have this same perspective in the heat of battle!

Anyways, the last 2 days she's lost all television privileges and 1 day of crayons/markers and while it didn't really seem to faze her, lo and behold this morning I saw a change in her behavior. I asked her to put away some toys, she hesitated as if she was going to balk and then began to put them away. Hallelujah! And the rest of the morning continued much the same way. Fingers crossed, she understands that I mean what I say and testing will be kept to a healthy minimum.

We also went to her best friend's birthday party and stayed all day and I. had a blast between the pool, the bouncy house, and the food table. I got to catch up with some momma friends I haven't seen since the end of May and really miss while I. was having a blast. Came home just in time for dinner, bath, and bedtime. Even I. appreciated the good day because at bedtime, I hugged and kissed her and said "We had a really good day today, didn't we?" and I. said "Yes, I love you Mommy." And for me at this point in my life, it doesn't get any better than that.

Rough Day

I'm really want to get back to funny posts or deep thought posts or happy posts but today isn't going to be the day for that unfortunately. But stay tuned, I'm sure one is just around the corner.

It isn't that today has been the worst day, just not a particularly stellar one. First of all, despite 9 hours of sleep last night, I'm still dog tired. How can that be? Perhaps it's all the overthinking I've been doing lately and still trying to curb.

Secondly, I discovered today that something very personal that I told in confidence to someone was told to someone else. I know this because this person asked me about the topic. I know I didn't tell this person because of the fact that I knew SHE WOULD ASK ME ABOUT IT AND THEN SOME and guess what, I was right. 'Cause not only did she ask me about it, she had to ask an insensitive question to follow it up. Yeah, that makes me really happy I must say. It was probably just an innocent slipup on the part of the person I told but of course, this other person didn't miss the opportunity to needle me on it.

Thirdly, I just got a call back from Mark's wife Jodi as they are on their way to the hospital. Despite a blood transfusion yesterday, he is extremely lethargic, not thinking clearly, and has a new, intense pain in his abdomen. Scary stuff considering what he's battling. Jodi and I have agreed that on Friday I will visit him wherever he is - at home or in the hospital and she'll let me know what the doctors say as soon as she can. My heart feels heavy and frightened by this info but my head feels a little less crowded knowing that the plan for a Friday visit is securely in place. It's only taken almost 2 months to get this visit but Lord willing, we're on. I just pray that the cancer hasn't spread and that they can diagnose and get rid of/control this pain of his.

Struggling

V. is going to be home next week and I'm really glad for that. I. and I have been having some good times together - going to the fair a couple of times, attending a Sesame Street live event, and celebrating my brother's birthday and 4th of July. Potty training took a turn for the better last Monday and I. has really been cooperating so I am extremely glad of that. We've been having some behavior issues but I sat down with her and outlined the consequences of the top 3 offensive behaviors and she seems to get it and trusts that I will mete out the consequences so that has helped curb her.

So with all that, you would think I would be pretty happy and content but actually I'm not. There seems to be a couple of situations that feel as though they're flapping in the wind without completion. As a goal driven, list maker this really drives me nuts - I like crossing things off my list and moving on to new things but I'm not able to. One thing is trying to talk to Mark - I've called him a couple of times and he doesn't return my calls. When I called back today and spoke to his mom, I told her to tell him that I was going to be in his neck of the woods either Thursday or Friday and was calling to arrange a visit. I figure, that paved the way because if he doesn't call me back (again), I'm just going to show up on Friday and may just have a "come to Jesus" discussion with him. That may seem harsh considering his battle but honestly, if he doesn't want my friendship, I'm not going to keep pursuing him and feeling as though I'm banging my head against a brick wall. This needs to be a two way street.

The other thing I really don't want to discuss in this forum but it's really affecting me in that I'm becoming extremely critical of myself and overthinking things. Both of which are pitfalls for me, not productive at all, and lead to ruminating over things I have no control over. On a positive note, at least I'm aware of this and am trying to take care of myself and give myself atta-boys when I make good choices. When V. comes back, it should help on this issue because then we can actually have a discussion, get it out of my head, and make a decision for the future. Plus when V. is home, it distracts me from overthinking things because I don't have as much time by myself.

This was more of a cathartic, sorting-out post for me, not entertaining or very enjoyable to read. I'm hoping once I get these things sorted out, I will be back to posting lighter and more entertaining things.