Busy Week

It's been really busy since my last post with I. being out of school. I. and I have been enjoying hanging out together with one of our favorite activities being baking in the morning while D. takes his morning nap, or some shortened version of it some days. We've made gingerbread cookies, sugar cookies, two loaves of cranberry nut bread, and Mexican wedding cakes. Much of it we've shared with others and tomorrow morning we'll be taking some of the Mexican wedding cakes and bread to our next door neighbors who bring in our trashcans almost every week (along with everyone else's on our row). It's been quality and quantity time with I. and with her not being in school, she is more relaxed, cheerful, and funny. We're really been having a good time though it has been exhausting by the afternoon without any downtime. Now I've been fighting off a throat virus for the last few days and I'm hoping it begins to improve or at least, not get worse.

Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.

I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.

One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.

Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!

IT Happened Again

The day started promising enough, D. went back to sleep after a 4:55 feeding and took a good nap until 11:30. I pumped around 11 and combined some past milk pumping into a bottle so that when he woke up, we could just leave and head to I.'s Christmas party.

All went well until we got to I.'s school and D. refused to take the bottle. The nipple was just pissing him off and for the first time, he was pissing me off. With all the noise, I took him into the quiet hall to see if I could get him to eat to no avail. I was getting upset because the whole point was to be there for I.'s party and instead I'm in a hallway, struggling with a crying infant, and because I pumped everything into a bottle I have nothing in the breast reserves. Add to that my doctor's appt. from yesterday where supposedly I need to figure out how to supplement him and the fact that he refuses to take a bottle put me over the edge.

So I ended up going back into her classroom just so I could at least be there for her since she was so visibly excited by my arrival. I grabbed a blanket and began stressfully nursing him with empty breasts in a room full of inquisitive kids plus parents with the noise level thanks to all the sugar reaching a deafening pitch. Yesterday's doctor's appointment just added to the whole thing: you can try to feed D. but it won't be enough. The panic of him needing to eat after 3 hours and me already pumping, not having any milk now, and him refusing the bottle/nipple put me over the edge.

And that's when IT happened. My disassociation from my surroundings, mentally digesting what my eyes were seeing and my ears were hearing. Responding verbally to what was going on but emotionally disconnecting. It was as though a switch was turned off. Right beforehad, my stress level was rising, my anger was peaking, my frustration was off the charts, I was overwhelmed, the chaotic noise of 18 kindergartens hopped up on sugar was really loud and then CLICK....my feeling/heart/emotions went numb. My mind still observed but the rest of me was floating above watching but not feeling. After it was over, I was left very irritable like a raw nerve.

I'm not sure what is causing this disassociation but it's real. I mean it's a function of being overwhelmed and overloaded but it still kind of disturbs me.

Fighting the Spiral

I just need to get the afternoon out of my brain before I head to bed or it's going to carry over into tomorrow.

D. had his 4 month appointment this afternoon. I thought it would go relatively well. Yes, I know he didn't gain as much weight as the doctor would like but he does have some pudge on his legs now and he's definitely grown longer. Plus developmentally he's right there - with me, V., and I. he squeals, "talks" and tries to communicate, with others he smiles broadly when spoken to, he is alert and focuses on people plus he's grabbing at things with success. No, he isn't lifting his chest up when he's on his belly and that's my fault. I haven't thought it to be a good idea to put him on his belly right after he eats and if I wait 15-30 minutes after he's eaten, it's time to take I. to school, be picking her up or getting him down for nap or bed.

Well, it didn't go well. According to all the charts, he is sliding off the bottom of the charts. He's not gaining weight at an acceptable rate, his height is slow and so is his head circumference. She started talking about supplementation and my stress level just multiplied. I'm struggling to feed him 8 times a day and keep up with I.'s half day kindergarten schedule and needs along with their 5pm bedtime and now I need to consider adding bottles, pumping and/or formula? The doctor saw my face and recognized that I was upset and discouraged. Yeah, and add overwhelmed to that list.

The old mantra started up in my head on the way home and continues its chant "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough." Add to that the fact that I.'s Christmas party is tomorrow and tonight when she went to bed, she asked a cryptic question "Will other people be coming to the party tomorrow?" Finally drilled down to the fact that she was asking if Iwas coming to the party to which I had to reply that if D. woke up early from his nap, I would definitely come. She wanted to know why I couldn't wake him up from his nap and I told her that since he had 3 vaccinations today, he may have a fever tomorrow and not feel well so he needed to get as much sleep as his body needed. As I walked out of her room, what did I hear in my head? "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough."

If I didn't know already that I was not cut out to be a mother of three, I know it for a fact now because I am having a hard time feeling as though I am somehow shortchanging both of my kids in different ways (I. attention; D. tummy time)pretty much every day.

That being said, I am trying though struggling to maintain perspective. My friend's wife is battling pancreatic cancer, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer, so many women try IVF to just have one kid and I have 2 healthy kids, naturally conceive and a strong marriage. Really when I think of that, it helps me change the mantra chanting in my mind to "Everything is okay, everything is okay."

It's just a constant challenge to defeat the old way of thinking. Can't expect many, many years of reinforced thinking to just go away. I think it's going to be a lifelong battle.

The awesome parts of today were first going in to get D. up from his morning nap. He was awake, just lying there looking around. I said my usual naptime greeting of "Is there a handsome baby boy in here?" and he turned his head and gave me a huge grin. I picked him up and went on to our second routine which is me holding him against me, still swaddled, and looking at the two of us in the mirror. I say, "Who's that?" and he looks in the mirror at me, lights up with a big smile, and then buries his face into my chest to snuggle. The second awesome part was booktime with I. and D. though this happens every day when V. isn't here, which is quite often. After I's bath, I set D. down on her pillow and she and I lay down on either side of him while I read 2 books. D. gets so excited while we are reading - the whole time he's making noises, has his mouth wide open, punctuating the air with flailing hands and kicking legs. The third awesome part was bathtime with D. He is most talkative during bathtime warmup - squealing and talking and giggling. In the bath he was kicking up a storm, leaving me and the floor very wet. For some reason when I give him a bath he is much more active with his kicking (and peeing for that matter) than when V. gives him his bath. Still trying to figure that out...

Testing

I should be going to bed right now since I've been up since 4:30 am. but as always, I try to stretch my adult, me time as much as possible. I'll be berating myself tomorrow morning I suspect.

It appears that D. is going through a growth spurt. I put him to bed at the same time as always, except he's been waking up 2.5 hours later hungry. I feed him again around 10ish yet still get woken up at 4 something. I feed him, get him back down, he dozes off for a short time. But before I can fall back asleep he's up again for the day. Yes, we had a nice snuggle time in bed, complete with an extra nursing and a catnap for him. While this is satisfying to me as a momma, it's a lot less satisfying for me as a human being who needs sleep.

We got our Christmas tree this afternoon. It was a little iffy. I. is trying to come down with a cold it seems so she didn't feel very good and D. did not like the chain saws cutting off the bottom of the trees. With this being D.'s first Christmas tree experience, it made me fast forward to when V. and I would be getting a tree all by ourselves without kids...not as satisfying I suspect and made me appreciate today all the more.

We got the tree up and after the kids went to bed, V. and I got the lights on. Now for the next week, I. and I can decorate the tree with ornaments little by little, truly enjoying the process. Yesterday she and I made gingerbread cookies and I was rewarded with hugs and "I like baking with you Mommy." I want to find kid friendly recipes to make with her in the future.

All in all, it was a good weekend the only thing being that I wish I could go back to how D. was eating and sleeping before. It'll come again but for now, it's tough to be the only one keeping this boy alive. That's the usual but sometimes, during growth spurts, I really feel it especially.

For now though, I'm going to enjoy the smell of our Christmas tree. It smells wonderful.

One Year Later

Today, a year ago, I was coming home from the gym when I realized "Hey, I should have started my period about 5 days ago and I don't feel like I'm going to start anytime soon. Wait a minute....should I take a test? Nah, but just in case, I guess I should."

Reading back through my blogs of this time period, I was really trying to get my brain around this concept of a second kid and conquering my fear that this one would be another difficult kid (at least in the early days). I was scared, stressed, exhausted, and trying not to be overwhelmed with the what ifs. And I had to wait for V. to come home to break the news to him, unsure how exactly he would feel, unsure of exactly how I felt.

A year later here we are. I am convinced that we must have been blessed with the sweetest, happiest baby there ever was. Every day I can't believe that we got him. A large part of me cringes when I say this and feels bad as though by saying this, I am slighting I. somehow, finding fault. I don't mean it like that though. I feel like in order to really and truly make it in the world as a girl, you have to be extra tough - willing to stand up for yourself and for what is right and also be willing to argue. I had the first two but not the third. I hate to argue and will do anything to avoid it. However, I. has inherited from her daddy the will to stick with a point and stay with it (ie. argue) much to my present chagrin but I know it will serve her well in her journey to a successful life. I have a sneaking suspicion that I. is going to be my kid who is not necessarily the easiest to raise but will be the one I am exceedingly proud of.

Not to say that I won't be proud of D. because I will be but the days are early and I very well may be proud of different things for him. D. is already very different temperamentally from I. - he's easygoing, patient, and always cheerful. Even if he's only slept for 10 minutes, he's quick to smile at a stranger (usually a female) smiling at him and making direct eye contact. I so cherish the bathtime routine because this is when he really laughs, coos, and squeals. This is his ticklish, giggly time and it seems like no matter what I do, he's responding. While bathtime is probably my favorite time, book time with both I. and D. is my second favorite time. Now that he's old enough and is recognizing routines, we set him in the middle of I.'s pillow and lay down on both sides of him while I read 2 books. He gets so excited while I'm reading - his eyes open up wide, his arms and legs kicking and punching wiht excitement with various verbal noises being made. It's so cool to see another kid excited about books. I. was the same way at this age and look at her reading now! My third favorite time is when D. wakes up for feeing at 5:45ish, I feed him until 6:15 and then we snuggle in bed til 6:30. I open up the sliding glass door blinds so we can watch the sky lighten against the dark shadows of the trees. I cuddle up to him, taking in all his smells (hopefully I've changed him at this point into a clean diaper), seeing his arms move up and down, his hands clench and unclench, and watch his eyes and face serenely taking in all these sights.

A year ago today I found out I was pregnant, and a year later, I realize just how blessed I am. I am so thankful and so lucky.

Morning Bliss

Sitting in the rocking chair in the early light of dawn, quietly nursing a snuggly sleepy baby, watching the sky get lighter and lighter against the dark contrast of the tall eucalyptus trees, I hear the beep of the coffeemaker announcing that there is a freshly brewed pot of coffee awaiting me.

Morning bliss.

Hmm Interesting (at least to me)

Last time I was at my therapist's office, I told her how I've noticed feeling anxious and ultra sensitive to noise especially but also to the number of people swirling about. She wondered if it had anything to do with the last stressful moments of D.'s delivery. I really didn't even give it alot of thought and pretty much dismissed it out of hand because I ended up with such a wonderful kid.

Fast forward to this Tuesday, I had a college girl to sit downstairs while D. took his morning nap so that I could get some things done. I headed to Target to get some Christmas shopping done without the kids since this would be my last week at that. Most importantly, I needed to get I.'s bike from Santa sorted out. It turned into a 2 hour trip. I'm not a shopper by nature. Yes, I had my list but it took a lot longer than I expected or wanted for that matter and it was really crowded, noisy, and hectic. Then my phone started getting text messages from the sitter that D. was crying and wouldn't go back to sleep (of course) so that just added to my stress.

It all worked out - I got everything, got home on time, and was sitting up in the glider nursing D. But my anxiety was still really high. As I nursed him I stopped to ponder why I was feeling anxious. My shopping trip was successful, D. was okay and happily eating, I. was fine and V. was okay too. So why this high level of anxiety?

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. And what I saw was alot of people moving too quickly, too many movements in my eyesight, and lots of noise - how I perceive chaos. I took some deep breaths, told myself everything was okay and began reading again.

Later that night, as I showered, my mind went back to probing that anxiety as you would a sore tooth. And as I relaxed in the hot stream of water, knowing that both kids were safe and sleeping in their beds, a scene flashed across my mind. Loud voices of multiple people, lots of movement a sense of chaos, things being out of control, and a feeling of panic, though not my own at first...and where did I find myself but at D.'s birth.

D.'s birth was a miracle and I wouldn't trade it for a C-section if I could. I ended up being blessed with an incredibly sweet child and since my first was/is as feisty as can be (which I love her for), it makes me appreciate it that much more. It seems however, that it doesn't change the fact that it was scary the way he came out and waiting many minutes to find out if he was okay after 30 hours of laboring to get him out was tough too. I have a feeling that emotionally it's going to take me awhile to get over what mentally I have made amends with.

The Morning After

I did the last feeding late for D. last night (finished @11:10) so he woke up at 4:45am for his next feeding. Yes, part of me rejoiced that I got 4.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep but part of me was stressing because I had a sneaking suspicion that D. would not go back to sleep.

I was right, he didn't go back to sleep but I didn't feel too bad since my sleep was uninterrupted. I let him fuss in his bed for 30 minutes until it was 6:10 and starting to get light in my bedroom. Then I cranked open the blinds to let in more light and got him up. My thought process was that I only want to greet him and get him up for the day when it is nice and light. No, I can't make him go back to sleep at 5:30 but it's still dark then and if I get him up and start socializing with him while it is dark, this is sending the wrong message to him.

So at 6:10, I got him up, set him on the pillow with me with his head facing the sliding glass door with the great view of his favorite...big trees with light behind it...and we stared at the view and snuggled until 6:30. For someone who is definitely not a morning person (ME), it was a really sweet way to begin the day.

At 6:30, I.'s door popped open and it was time for me to start getting ready for the day. So I took D. into her room for their morning time and when I came into her room, she immediately said, "I saw what you wrote." with a big smile and read it to me. Then she said, "I wrote something for you." She turned the page and what do I see but that she has copied most of what I wrote for her but tailored it to her momma plus a little more. My heart was full. We've turned a new leaf now that she can read because now I can easily slip her notes of love here and there and not only can she read them, they touch her heart and soul.

I've been reading a lot lately and my major goal is to help her connect to and voice her emotions. She has the emotions of a female/me but the reticence of V. which is not a good combination. I've got my work cut out for me but this week I did well with helping her identify how she was feeling and right afterwards, it was like she couldn't stop telling me things about school and what was going on. Like the floodgates were opened so I know I'm on the right path. I just have to be diligent about it.

I.'s Journal

We had I.'s parent teacher conference a couple of weeks ago and one thing she suggested since I. enjoyed it so much was to get a notebook/journal for I. to write and draw in for home use. So last week while she was on break, we got one.

She wanted me to write on the front of the notebook that it was her journal so I did that tonight. Then knowing that she would be eagerly writing in it first thing in the morning, I turned a new page and wrote all the positive things that I. is. I have a feeling that she will be tickled to discover it in the morning.

Yesterday, I previewed the annual photo book that we give our parents to I. When she saw the photos and heard what I wrote, she snuggled under my arm and said, "Mommy you're so special." I asked her if what I wrote made her feel warm and happy inside and she said "yes" and snuggled deeper against me. It made it all worth it.

I can imagine what she will feel when she opens her journal and reads what I have written about her, my awesome baby girl.

Best Thanksgiving Week Ever

The first day of I.'s vacation was not a fluke because we followed it up with 2 more great days. Tuesday after the babysitter arrived, I. and I went to the gym by ourselves and then to the grocery store. This may not sound very exciting but it was for us since it was just the two of us. Funny how what was once the norm is now special. We got done with the store in good time so I decided to take us to lunch at Pick Up Stix to maximize our time before heading home. As we sat waiting for our food, I. kept looking at me and then hugging me, so happy to be together and when we walked to the car, she said thank you for taking her to lunch. It felt really good. After we got home and I unloaded the groceries and fed D., I surprised I. with a short visit to the zoo. Even though it was short it was fun and was D.'s first official visit to the zoo. After almost 6 years of walking around the zoo with just I., it felt weird to have 2 kids with me. I guess it's going to take a while to get used to that.

Wednesday was another good day mainly hanging out at home. I needed to make our Thanksgiving dish and realized that I. was not only old enough to really help me, she would probably really enjoy it. I was right on both counts and I enjoyed having a daughter old enough to work side by side and make a recipe together. I can easily see this becoming a tradition of ours.

Today was Thanksgiving and it turned out well. My sister was not there so there was no family drama or stress to deal with. I. didn't get in bed too late at my parents' house but she was exhausted enough to come over to me at the dinner table and tell me that she was really tired. And D., aka Little What's It, made it through the day without crying. Thankfully, he took a 2.5 hour nap this morning and then I napped him in the sling for about 45 minutes in the afternoon. Aside from that though, he just hung in there studying everyone's faces and breaking out the big smiles all afternoon long. I don't know that I've ever met a better natured baby and I don't mean that because he's mine. I am still shocked that he is the way he is because I honestly that that all V. and I. made were feisty, sometimes gnarly, kids. He fell asleep for 30 minutes on the way home and even though he went to bed 2 hours later than his normal bedtime, he nursed and went right down after we got home. I've got my fingers crossed for tonight though - I'm hoping that it doesn't affect the rest of the night's sleep. He's been in a good groove the last 3 nights and it would be nice if it could become the new "normal". But I guess I'll see soon enough...

I. is vacationing for the next 3 days at my parents' house and they have all sorts of fun lined up. I can honestly say that I am really going to miss her. Sometimes the first day is more relief than missing her but after the good times she and I had this week, playing, relaxing, snuggling, and hanging out, I'm just going to be plain missing her. It will be interesting to just have D. by himself for 3 days. I plan on concentrating on enjoying all the little things while it's just him by himself.

This was the best week I've had in over 3 months and for it to fall on the week of Thanksgiving is/was perfect. So thankful for everything in my life!

Ingredient for a Good Day (Monday)

The ingredients of a good day. Time to play and hang out one on one with I. Extra playtime with D. Time to continue making a dent in the never-ending laundry. A much needed Costco run. Very little crying From either child. Decent naps for D. Lots of love and smiles from both kids. Both kids asleep by 5:15. Hubby walks into a cozy house that smells of roast chicken complete with newly showered wife.

Sounds like a dream but I actually pulled it off today. First day of Thanksgiving vacation = success! Trust me, it was a fluke. But it sure did feel good.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

A Little Confused

I'm a little confused by how I'm feeling tonight and trying to sort it out. Hopefully this post will help me work it out. As a caveat, may I say that I know I love my kids, my husband, and my life. It's just sometimes I can't "feel" it, and I mean that literally.

So I was hoping for a little more sleep last night since I didn't have to get up by a certain time to get I. to school. It's always a crap shoot with a 3 month old but every so often, his timing works out for me. Last night I thought it was going to work out for me again because he slept 5 hours straight until 3am. As I sat there feeding him until 3:30, I was hopeful since he should have slept about 3-3.5 more hours which would put me at 6:30 or maybe even 7, scoring me a total of 8 hours of sleep which I haven't had since before he was born. Unfortunately, it didn't happen like that. I put him back down and he fussed, burped, and then cried for a bit until I got back up and shook that bed for all it was worth and then set the vibrating function on the bed. By 4:15 he was asleep and I still was hopeful that I could get at least 2 more hours of sleep. Nope - he was up at 5:45 and do I really need to describe how it feels to be woken up from a deep sleep after an hour or so of sleep?

But I made the best of it and by 9am, I had him fed and down for his morning nap, the college girl had arrived and I. and I were ready to go. We spent the rest of the morning at Chuck E. Cheese playing together the whole time and it was really great. It just seemed so uncomplicated and easy with it just being the two of us again. I kept thinking how before D., I took these times for granted and that kind of bummed me out a little. On the flip side, and one that I need to concentrate on more, it made our present and future just-the-two-of-us times together so special and both of us appreciated today that much more. Of course, seeing how thankful I. was and how happy she was to be the only one with me made me feel sad too. Really, how complicated and confusing can being a mother possibly be. It truly is a double edged sword kind of job.

After we got home, I fed D. and the three of us went to get yogurt which was also part of I.'s dream day. After I fed D. yet again and got him down for his 30 minute nap, I. and I did a puzzle together and then it was time for the dinner/bedtime push with the 11 pound boy strapped sleeping to my chest. To say that I was physically pooped is stating the obvious. I made it through though and had both of them in bed by 5:30 (not freaking bad).

But then as I took my shower, the conflicting emotions began. Happy in mind but not feeling it emotionally that we got our one on one time today and that she really loved it. Sad because it was taken for granted before. I noticed today and also last weekend at I.'s birthday party that I'm having a hard time feeling connected emotionally sometimes. It's like I'm observing that the party/Chuck E. Cheese is going great and isn't it wonderful how happy I. is but emotionally I don't feel it like I normally would; I feel numb much of the time. It bothers me a lot this disconnect. I don't know what's causing it for certain and that worries me. Of course, it could be my interrupted sleep and the fact that I've been getting about 3 hours less sleep a day than I need for the past 3 months. I mean, that kind of accumulation is going to take its toll. Or perhaps it's just feeling emotionally tapped out sometimes. Or a combination of the two?

For instance, today is Friday and I've been having that numb, disconnected feeling throughout the day. Then I think of the week. I was the only parent on call and on hand all day and all night since Sunday except for my parents helping with the afternoon and bathtime on Wednesday. That's 4 full days of being solo 24/7. Maybe this plays a part in my feelings?

Lastly, V. and the girls are on the way down tonight for the weekend and while I am glad they are coming down especially for I.'s sake, for some reason I feel anxious about it. I remember the last time they came I felt anxious about it too. It's not them so much as I feel like the walls are closing in when there are so many people in this kind of small house. A claustraphobic type of thing.

What a whack job I sound like. I think if I was an algebra equation it would go like this: physical exhaustion + emotionally taxed = anxiety.

Good Stuff

Today I got D. to laugh....finally. For the last month, he has almost laughed. He opens his mouth up as wide as it can go and then almost laughs but no sound comes out. Then he gets the hiccups, as though he's laughed.

Tonight though I discovered a ticklish area between his upper chest and armpit. I wiggled around there and his mouth popped wide open. I wiggled around there some more and not only did his mouth pop wide open, this sound came out "Huh huh huh" It was a gut laugh. It got me laughing because there truly is nothing quite like a baby's gut laugh (see YouTube). I'm on a high from seeing his smile and hearing his laugh.

The other thing D. does that endears him to me is when he's in my arms and I'm talking to him and kissing him, he smiles at me, opens his mouth wide and then ducks his head to snuggle against my chest. It's like he's overcome with feelings towards me that he just has to turn against me and snuggle. Aaaahhhh...endorphins.

The other great thing is that tomorrow I. doesn't have school but the college girl is still coming in the morning. Two mornings a week, I've started having a trustworthy college girl come over to man the house while D. is taking his morning nap. It allows me to get errands done or go to the gym or take care of appointments while he is asleep. I agonized awhile over this because I do not want to miss ANY of D.'s awake time. It's so limited right now and these early days will never come again so I don't want to miss any of it. But if he's asleep for 2.5-3 hours, he'll never miss me and I can get a heck of alot of things done plus it's good to get out of the house for something other than dropping off and picking I. up from school.

Anyways, tomorrow I. and I are getting out by ourselves like the good ole days. I told her a week ago to start thinking about what she would want us to do and she immediately said, "Chuck E. Cheese and you can go on that ride with me that you couldn't when we took D. and then we could go get some frozen yogurt afterwards." So that's what we are going to do. And I am really looking forward to getting a few hours for just the two of us. The neat thing is that she is excited too. Funny how the stuff that we took for granted not that long ago is such a treat for us now.

Evening Observations

Quick thoughts before heading to bed...

My baby girl is turning 6 on Wednesday. Why I thought that having 2 kids would make it easier is beyond me. I'll be teary eyed as I write her birthday letter tomorrow night. Six years ago tonight is when I went into labor with her. I'm so proud of her. By her sheer determination, she has taught herself how to read. I love hanging out with her side by side, listening to what she says because it gives me a glimpse into her complicated, but always thinking brain. The way her brain works and her heart feels is more like me every year but the way she deals with negative and strong emotions is more like V. which causes a real internal conflict. God help me to know how to help her with that.

My baby boy just turned 3 months yesterday. In some ways it seems like yesterday he was here and in many ways it seems like forever thanks to the nighttime feedings and not enough sleep. He continues to amaze me with his good nature. That really is the phrase to describe him. He can doze off for 10 minutes, wake up, and smile at me. Of course, don't get me wrong, he is still a little guy. So after he woke up at 5:15am this morning for the day, by 7:15 he was miserably tired and crying off and on until I put him in the sling. Then he quietly communed with my chest though not falling asleep until it was time to take I. to school. On the way home, he cried intermittently for 5 minutes and then passed out. As the mother of an intense first child, I have to say I really, really appreciate that. I. would have just gone to the red zone and screamed without falling asleep until I took her out of that damn car seat. Like I said, good natured this boy is and I'll add calm, easy going, and happy to the mix. That being said, I still only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night...

An Open Letter to SDGE

Dear SDGE,

I wanted to tell you just how much I appreciated another power outage last night. Though I know you don't care how every failure on your part to deliver the energy that we pay so dearly for directly affects our household, I thought I'd tell you anyway.

When the power goes off for the entire night, not just a couple of hours, it causes problems in my household. First of all, all children's nightlights are extinguished which in the world of a child is a very big deal. Then the fan which moves the air around the room turns off leading to a very stuffy room, not conducive for falling back asleep. Finally, it results in the white noise machine shutting off. What that leaves me with is a 5 year old's silent, stuffy, and pitch black room.

And of course, this 5 year old happens to wake up right at 2am when I am nursing her 2 month old brother. Since I'm the only one on night duty, I had to go into her room to soothe her quietly with a baby hanging off my...(well you don't need to know all about that) and tell her that she just had to go back to sleep, everything is okay. It was a hard sell and I was very lucky that she took it with the least amount of fuss.

Problem was that the 2 month took this talking of mine to mean that this wasn't merely a middle of the night feeding, it was a wake up/stay up feeding which did not bode well for me. I couldn't let him cry it out a little to wear himself out because may I remind you, the 5 year old had no white noise machine and his crying would have triggered her calling for me and oh that would have been very bad indeed.

So instead, I had to keep repositioning him every 10 minutes or so since he inchworms himself somehow fully swaddled all over the crib, kept resetting the vibration to try and calm him, and jiggling the crap out of it when all else failed. The feeding started at 2am but all this jiggling and crap lasted from 2:30-4:00am. By this point, I realized he was going to be ready for another feeding soon, so I just nursed him for another 20 minutes, hoping that he would finally give it up and fall asleep.

Thankfully, it worked and he went to sleep. However, after this high state of alert for hours, I couldn't fall asleep. Soon it was 6:20 and he was crying to eat again. Lo and behold, now the power was back on. I was able to grab an hour or so of sleep after this feeding because I took him downstairs to his father who had enjoyed a silent, uninterrupted night of sleep. But that still brings my grand total of sleep to a whopping 4.5 hours, definitely not enough to feel good, patient, and cheerful for the day. That is going to involve a lot of effort on my part.

So thank you again. I'll be sure and remember all this when it's time to send you the money to pay you for the energy you sometimes deliver to us when you feel like it and I'll definitely remember this when I see another article about how you have to raise your rates.

Sincerely,

A thoroughly dissatisfied, tired, and pissed off customer

More Good Stuff

Some more good stuff to celebrate after a physically ill weekend:

Is it wrong that I am so stoked with how much D. talks to me and the way that he smiles at me? He smiles at other people but I swear if you could see how he looks straight into my eyes and then his smile overtakes his entire face and being, you would see what I'm talking about. It just does something to me physically, to my heart, to my soul. His eyes and expression reach into me and touch something so deep that it makes me tear up without realizing it but with a huge smile on my face. He smiles at others and may coo here and there at I. and V. but not to the extent and immediately like he does with me. Maybe I shouldn't be so happy about it but honestly, after all the physical sacrifices I've made willingly for this little guy and the ongoing challenges I've been facing as a result, there should be some additional benefits I reap as a result, right?

This afternoon, D. decided he wasn't going to fall asleep for an afternoon nap after he shot out a dump so I gave I. a heads up that resty time was over, threw him into the sling on me, and we headed out for a nature walk so that both of us could get some fresh fall air while D. took a much needed nap. It turned into a blessing for all concerned. D. fell asleep immediately which was the entire point. I. enjoyed looking at the Halloween decorations around the neighborhood plus gathering up autumn leaves etc. in a bag I gave her before we left. And I enjoyed the warm sun and cool air of typical San Diego fall weather plus hearing I. telling me several times how great this nature walk was and how much fun she was having. With all the challenges I've been having with her, the adjustments to two kids, and feeling like I wasn't doing a good job with both of them, it was wonderful to see her happy and basking in our nature walk. We will have to do this more often.

Good Stuff

Here's two things that fit into this category.

One is the 10-15 minutes a day after I. goes to bed and D. is going to have a bath when D. and I sit in the glider and have a tete-a-tete, eye to eye session. I look forward to it all day because the rest of the day is spent with him feeding, napping, and us shuttling I. to and from kindergarten. With D. needing sleep every 2 hours, it doesn't leave us any time to just relax while he is awake. Well, there is some time in the morning but that's when I. gets her time with D. and I'm usually finishing up getting ready and stuffing something for breakfast in my mouth. But that 10-15 minutes at the end of the day is wonderful. D. gives me the biggest smiles while his big blue eyes just stare at me and then he'll coo and move his lips and tongue around as he tries to communicate with me. It's just awesome and almost always brings tears to my eyes. I'm really enjoying these sweet moments of these early days.

The second thing that is good stuff is that today is V. and I's 8th wedding anniversary. It's gotten to the point that I'm more excited about this day than I am my own birthday because it marks a real accomplishment in these times, especially considering the stresses of V.'s work taking him away to the ends of the earth for extended lengths of time. We're in a good place this anniversary. A couple of anniversaries ago, after Mark had died and V. had been in Saudi Arabia for almost 18 months, we were in recovery stage from all that these major stresses had caused. That anniversary was more like, "Whew, we actually made it to this one." Not this year. This year feels like a renewal of sorts now that D. is here and completes our family. We feel lucky and blessed and this little guy makes both of us smile involuntarily and often. Seeing I. so thrilled and in love with D. also makes us happy. Life is good. I'm looking forward to dinner at George's where we had our wedding reception too. As V. puts it, "returning to the scene of the crime". How that day came about was a miracle in and of itself and every year, we reflect back with a lot of smiles, head shakings, and retelling of who reeled who in on the proverbial fishing pole. Every year it's a fun time and I anticipate this year will be no different.

Frustrating Step Back

D. had his 2 month checkup and shots yesterday and with that came some not so good news. It appears that we are back to weight issues. D. has gained weight but only the amount that a 1 month old should have gained, not a 2 month old. He's gotten longer by 2" but the pediatrician is worried that he is not getting enough calories and as she put it, "This is a key time for brain development and for that to happen, he needs sufficient calories." Let me translate this to what I heard, "You are starving your son. Your milk is not sufficient to sustain him and it's not good enough." So we're back to the supplemental feedings which I hated the first time around and most likely will the second time around, if not more. I try to remind myself that this is one of those things where it's the end result that is important, not how you get there. I may get that mentally a little but emotionally, it's hard for me. I don't want to jeopardize my breastfeeding of D. It was one of the things that I really wanted to experience again and appreciate more the second time around. But of course, I don't want to jeopardize D.'s development and future health just so I can live out my breast-only dream. It's a delicate balance that I'm going to have to navigate and try not to stress over. But it's going to be difficult.

D. didn't like the bottle nipple yesterday so I got a new nipple that he took this afternoon. However, for bedtime he was gagging on it but that may have been because he was already full. I'm not able to get enough pumping to supplement so I will have to sub in some formula. Ugh. Tomorrow when he gets up from his morning nap, I'm going to head back to the hospital and take advantage of a resource. They will weigh him, allow me to do a complete feeding, and then weigh him again which will tell me how many ounces he's getting from me so that I will know how many ounces he needs additionally. Again, it's taking something so simple and making it complicated which is very frustrating to me. But if my good natured baby is so good natured that he isn't crying when he needs more calories, it's really up to me to give him the extra calories regardless of whether it's frustrating, a hassle, or emotionally hard on me to take.

That is the measure of a good parent.

Exercise Outlet

After posting on Friday night it was hard not to think about T. and pancreatic cancer whenever I woke up during the night. It was hard to pray, I was angry. When I was trying to fall back asleep after a feeding or waking up, the first thing I thought of was how, when Mark was sick and during his final week of life, the first thing I thought of when I woke up was that he was sick and dying. And then I thought this was probably the first thing on T.'s mind when he woke up and it made me so sad. I wonder if there is such a thing as being too empathetic? I mean, seriously do other people feel and think this much when others go through similar situations? Not that I'm equating losing Mark with T. losing his wife of 21 years because I'm not. It's really ripped off a scab that I thought was healed. I guess it's a scab that never really heals.

I made a conscious decision to take any and all advantages this weeked to get some exercise. After relying on exercise since I was 24 as my stress relief, it's hard not to be working out for the past 7 weeks. I've been using resistance bands and some free weights for upper body stuff but trying to do cardio in the living room is really difficult. I know that my anxiety level skyrockets with less sleep and no vigorous exercise outlet so it's no surprise that anxiety is a problem. As luck would have it, V. did his Saturday workout on Friday which allowed me to go out by myself for a short time on Saturday. With all the pent up anger about T.s' wife, I decided to head over to Miramar Lake, go down to the dirt path, and jog/walk. It was nice weather, fall-like, and the jogging got some of my anger out. I felt really good afterwards and for the rest of the day. Today we took shifts at the gym and I was able to get another workout in. It feels good to have my muscles sore from healthy exercise for a change.

We'll see how this week goes. V. may be gone most of this week too, we'll have to see. Making it through dinnertime, bathtime, and bedtime with 2 parents is so much easier. When it's just me, it's still overwhelming and usually both kids are crying about different things during all or some of it. It's exhausting. I am hoping that as D. gets older, some aspects of it will get easier but we'll have to see if that's true.

Upset Almost Beyond Words

I've started this post several times and still haven't found a good way. I'll just state the facts. I haven't seen my good friend T. since I was 7 months pregnant. We've been really close friends for almost 12 years. Besides Mark, he was my closest friend. In some ways he was my closest friend because I didn't feel like I needed to look out for him and protect him. He was at my hospital bedside during the really bad times and that was the only time I saw him shed a tear. Otherwise, he's a 6'4", 225 lb. cop - tough on the outside but a really nice guy on the inside. I texted him after I had D. to see if we could visit but he texted back that he was super busy and would get back to me. I left a voicemail 3 wks. ago and didn't hear back. I figured he was busy. But then last Friday I sent him a text of D. pics and didn't hear back from him, not even a comment. That's when I thought something wasn't right.

This morning while D. was asleep, I texted him "Are you okay? I'm just checking on you." He texted back awhile later to call him and since I was on my way to pick up I., I stuck the headset in and called him.

He tells me that his wife (they are both in their 40's) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Just like Mark, it's already stage 4 and has spread. They flew her up to SF to the best of care to start chemo and see if she can get into any trials. And as he's telling me his voice begins cracking with emotion and it just kills me. I had to pull over to the side of the road when he told me because it just hit me so hard. But I had to keep going to pick I. up on time so as I drive with D. in the back seat and my tired synapses trying to fire on all cylinders, I try to talk to him with sensitivity and without by accident saying insensitive things. I listened and just tried to encourage him. There was a sense of deja vu. On top of it, his stepfather (his dad died when T. was 12) was diagnosed a month ago with 2 types of cancer and things are grim for him too.

I can't write any more right now. It's just a swirl of deja vu and sadness. And it's the same kind of cancer as Mark - that makes it more upsetting. I'll pray for them during my nighttime feedings (that's what I do to stay awake) but right now I'm kind of pissed off with God. It just doesn't seem fair and although I know that God could heal her if He wanted, my cynical side from my experience with Mark makes me think that He won't. And she'll die and leave a young good husband and 3 boys here to suffer.

Rough Night

Last night was something out of a torture chamber. Seriously. It went from Little Shop of Horrors to Gitmo. What caused this torture was that I was forced to change what D. was sleeping on in his bassinet because of major safety issues. It was non-negotiable however, I knew it was going to cause problems with his sleeping, at least initially. Boy, was I ever right. Morning nap was shorter and afternoon nap was a 30 minute joke. I was stressing because if he doesn't sleep well during the day, going to sleep and staying asleep at night is going to be a problem. I'll just cut to the chase of how last night ended - even though I was exhausted by 10pm, I was not "allowed" to fall asleep until 3:30am. Then I slept til the alarm went off at 6:30.

The jury is still out for today. He woke up crying a couple of times in morning nap, which isn't completely out of the ordinary, but overall got a 2 1/2 hour morning nap. This afternoon, he was up after 45 minutes. Tonight I put him down asleep and he woke up crying 20 minutes later. I was able to soothe him quickly and he went back to sleep. It's not an auspicious start though. I really need a "normal" night's sleep tonight - nothing huge, just 6 hours would be just fine by me. My thinking is that he was only used to that other way of sleeping for 7 weeks so he should be able to adapt to this new way in 2 or 3 days. We'll see how accurate that thinking is.

In the middle of the night while I was being tortured, I was racking my brain trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening today. So I studied what was pissing D. off (lying on his back) and tried to think of how safely to address it. So I McGyvered something with wedges and blue painter's tape to see if D. could safely sleep on his side, which is what he wants. I also moved the bassinet into the walk-in closet to see if that would help with afternoon nap and his early bedtime because my bedroom is light at those 2 times of day. He has morning nap in I.'s dark room and that usually is more successful thus my experiment with the walk-in closet. I think being a second time around momma has taught me to just keep trying different things if the first thing doesn't work. You just keep trying and studying what is working and what is not working and adjusting from there.

So I sound like I'm doing well emotionally, huh? Well, not really. V. had to stay up in LA this whole week and even though he may not help with the kids anyways when he is in town due to their early bedtimes and his hellacious work schedule, knowing that I will have his company later on that day and another adult in the house overnight helps me emotionally. If I'm getting the normal 5-6 hours of total sleep and things are going okay, I can make it. But when night sleep is down to nothing and every afternoon is fraught with I.'s angst, I feel so alone. Which leads to those feelings of failure and utter sadness. Things with I. continue to be rough every afternoon. It feels like afternoons at home with me are such a letdown after a morning of kindergarten. She acts so unhappy that afternoons are not just fun, fun, fun and that I'm always telling her what to do, fixing her meals she's not happy about, and not doing the things she wants. I know it's part of the adjustment period of both the second kid and kindergarten but it makes me feel like such a failure to her as a mother and feeds into what I feel like...that everyone else is for fun and me, I'm just the person telling her what she's having for a meal and what to do. But I'm the only one here and yes damnit, she does need to pick up her clothes off the floor and put them away and yes damnit it is time for a bath and you need to mind what I'm saying. So I just get to be the bad guy and everyone else gets to be entertainment. It's so hard and it makes me feel so bad. I pray that as I get more sleep which will lead to more patience and more energy, things will get better. I think as D. gets older and can stay awake for longer stretches, that will make a huge difference too because it will give me more freedom to plan something for us to do without being on an hour and a half tether like I am now.

Tough times but I'm still relishing those big gummy smiles that D. gives me and how his tongue is moving around as he tries to communicate. And those sweet coos...those are even better. I'm just trying to hang onto those moments as much as possible and enjoy them to the fullest instead of these sleepless nights because I know both will pass and while I won't miss those sleepless nights, I will miss those first smiles and the wonder of his first attempts at communication. I've just got to make it through without going down the road to depression and that's the scary part.

High Anxiety

I'm trying to make light of this but the fact is, this weekend my anxiety has ramped up to where it was the first couple of weeks D. was alive and we were having major nursing issues. I think my anxiety was high because of two things. One, this weekend was the first weekend that the girls and V. were home and I have to tell you, the house felt really crowded. There wasn't 1 room left to escape to and then I felt pressure to get D. down for afternoon nap successfully to allow us to go to our regular linner. Well, I got him down and he fell asleep but then woke up after just 30 minutes with gas passing and wouldn't go back to sleep. So this left him exhausted and crying inconsolably and resulted in everyone going to linner except for me. There was just no point to me going - I needed to get D. down again for sleep and all he wanted to do was eat and be walked around which is not conducive for eating out. Instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself, I stuck him in the sling and wandered around the neighborhood for almost an hour, giving him a catnap which was better than nothing.

This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.

So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.

Progress?

Well, it's been 11 days since my last post and I'm still dreaming of that restful night with the bedroom all to myself. Probably why I haven't posted since.

Things have been a little better here and there peppered with some not so good moments/mornings/evenings but I'd have to say overall if I'm being honest, things seem to have stopped trending down. Some nights, D. goes right back to sleep after each feeding and I feel like a new person the next day. Some nights, he decides to fuss and cry after the 1am./2am feeding for another hour and boom! I've lost over an hour and a half of sleep in an already short night. Yesterday he didn't go back to sleep after the 5am feeding and refused to stay asleep in the morning. He basically cried the whole morning and my tired nerves were pretty fried. Luckily, he took a 2 1/2 hour afternoon nap and when he woke up, my darling, sweet baby boy was back. Whew! I certainly didn't want whoever that other kid from the morning was.

The other big help has been that D. is smiling as in "my whole face lights up" smiling and it makes a big difference in my daily life. It brings another level of love, adoration and thankfulness in my heart. Best of all, I. is a recipient of his smiles often and she is tickled beyond belief. Seeing his face light up when he looks at her in the morning warms my heart and now I can experience what mothers of more than one have been talking about.

V. has been gone most of this week which in one way is hard but in another way, is easier logistically. I don't have to worry that D. will wake up and need to be fed during the 2 hours that V. is home and awake. One night last week, V. got home at 7:30 and D. woke up at 8:15 hungry. I went upstairs grumpily and fed him but by the time I got done half an hour later, V. had turned off the tv and had gone to bed. I didn't blame him since he'd been up since 2:30am and was going to have to get up at 2:30 again, but I got teary anyways since I only got to see him for 45 minutes and then when I returned downstairs to the "party", noone was there. So in that way it's been easier. But I've missed him and I don't like how much stress he is under right now and how many hours he's been working. The girls are supposed to come down with him tonight but there is a chance that he won't get done with what he has been working on and will have to stay up there again tonight. Being that today is Friday, that would be a real bummer.

D. is up and crying for the second time in this afternoon nap. That damn gas is waking him up. Every time he passes gas, he wakes up and cries and may or may not go back to sleep. Resttime is almost over anyways for I. so I've got to stop anyways. Hopefully next posting will contain good news of an upward trend in sleep and a downward trend in fussiness!

Hanging In There

Two days later and I'm still standing so I guess that's success these days. Saturday, my nighttime survival plan consisted of putting D. in the sling and getting him to sleep as quickly as possible. Not so I could put him in his bed but so that I could carefully fall into mybed and get some sort of sleep or at the very least get off my feet. And it worked. I didn't get tons of sleep but more than the night before and I feel like I have a stop-gap measure in my arsenal for those bad nights.

Today I was reading another book. Yes, another book. I did the same thing with I. and took this and that from various books and tried it out. What worked for her doesn't necessarily work for D. so I have to reread and try out different things all over again. The name of the game during these fussy weeks/months is to compile various things in the arsenal so that I can try different things and not feel hopeless.

This afternoon, after a unsuccessful morning nap, I was reading as I was nursing and decided to try something that never worked for I., that is without a long screaming session. I nursed D. then snuggled him for 5 minutes and then told him "It's time to sleep", put him down with a pacifier, and left him sleepy but awake. This is where I. would have screamed bloody murder. D., being of different temperament, sucked and fell asleep for 2 hours. And 2 hours without any waking up and crying which is unusual. I thought the heavens opened up and the angels must have been singing. I tried it again tonight for bedtime and it didn't work quite as well but still pretty good. I soothed him once, put him down again, and then he cried off and on for about 30 minutes and then fell asleep. It's been a quiet 2 hours and soon I'll be heading to bed and hoping for the best.

I have to admit, I am so longing for a night when I can go to sleep in a room by myself without worrying or thinking about when I'll be woken up from a deep sleep. That will be such a luxury, I can't even imagine. I try to keep in mind that that will also mean the end of me having a newborn in the house, that is until I'm a grandparent. Isn't that how life always is? Something that I can dream about can have a bittersweet edge to it. I want so much to enjoy these days and at times I do. The intermittent smiles from D. light up my day, the time I spend eye to eye with him, talking to him and watching his funny faces - these are the times I cherish. Waking up from a deep, sound sleep and having to stay awake for 30-45 minutes and then hoping that I can go back to sleep soon afterwards - I don't cherish these times so much. I need to learn to keep perspective even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm in pain, even when I'm overwhelmed. That's the hard part. Sometimes I feel like a clown on crack - I'm just throwing up the balls of 2 fussy kids and hoping that I'll be in the right place to catch them. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not.

This clown on crack is heading to bed and hoping for a decent night.

Things Aren't So Good

Things have gotten really tough around here. D. has gotten more fussy and unpredictable with his sleep. I'll have 2 or 3 decent nights of sleep with decent meaning getting up twice a night but D. going back to sleep relatively quickly. Then I'll have a nightmare of a night like last night. He got up to eat at 12:45 but then wouldn't go back to sleep until 3:20. Not going back to sleep means I'm pacing the bedroom with him in a sling, practically falling asleep on my feet and knowing that I'm once again doing damage to my nether region. Finally at 3:20, he fell asleep enough that I could lie on the bed and pass out with him on me until 4:15 when I woke up with my body all contorted and placed him carefully in the crib next to me. I dropped back in bed exhausted and slept all of 45 minutes when he woke up to eat at 5:00. Thank God today was Saturday so I didn't have to get up with an alarm so after I finished feeding him and he fell asleep quickly, we slept from 5:45 to 8:00. But I am exhausted. Totally.

Right now, it's after 7pm and D. is upstairs screaming bloody murder. He should have fallen asleep at 4:30 but we got home from linner a little late and I didn't finish feeding him til 5:30. I knew this was probably not going to be good but V. keeps saying that if he stays up longer, he'll sleep longer. I know this not to be true. But we are trying to keep up the linner tradition and I thought it would be okay. I guess not because after I fed him, he fell asleep until I put him down. Then he immediately woke up. So V. got him and tried to put him to sleep to no avail which left me having to put him in the sling and walk around with him until he fell asleep again. I let him sleep for a little while to get through a sleep cycle but then when I put him down he woke up immediately and started crying. Thus, he's upstairs screaming.

I'm exhausted, my anxiety level is sky high because I feel like it's all up to me and if I can't do it, he doesn't sleep and this wicked cycle starts. I am stressed going to bed every night not knowing if I'm going to be up all night pacing torturously. There aren't many worse things for a new mom than feeding your kid and then watching the time to the next feeding ticking away as your baby screams and requires you to be up pacing. I feel like I'm losing my mind with this unpredictability of not knowing if I'm going to have 2 minutes to myself or 2 hours. I feel like as soon as I get him down, I'm anxiously holding my breath for him to be up crying AGAIN.

To add to it, and this may be TMI, I finally stopped bleeding for the past 2 days. Until this afternoon and it started again as well as some of the pain. Big surprise there.

So why don't I have V. help? Well, he can't do the feeding since I'm still trying to make sure I keep my milk production up. V. can't help during the night because he's up at 2:30 to start his 16 hour work day. V. is upstairs right now and D. has stopped crying so I assume he is rocking him in the rocking chair. The thing is that it's almost time to feed him again and there really hasn't been any time to myself. That is, relaxing, anxiety-free time to myself. This is exactly how it was with I. too and brings back the memory of sobbing down in the laundry room because it was the farthest place I could get from her without leaving the house.

I felt like I was a really good mom to one kid. I really don't feel like a good mom to two right now. Sometimes I can pull off the juggling routine but it's so hit and miss that even when it works decently, I feel like I should just chalk it up to luck, sheer dumb luck.

I am just hoping against hope that he sleeps longer tonight and that I'm not up all night because I will literally be a loon tomorrow. I pray every night and throughout the night that D. will go to sleep. Some nights it happens and obviously some nights it doesn't. I pray for all of our mental health sake's that it happens tonight.

Kindergarten Eve

...sigh...

The night before Kindergarten Eve and all through the house, a momma is trying not to cry. I've packed her nutritious snack with love and with care, and included a handwritten note and a drawing of us to somehow insert myself into the middle of her first day.

I wonder if having D. will make it easier but somehow I don't think so. Even as a new mom of two and realizing that I don't love one more than the other, there is something about sending your first child off to school. It's a first for both of us. I. is so excited. Her reading continues to improve daily and she has her outfit picked out for her first day. I remember how excited I was the day before school and how every year I had my first day outfit picked out. I will try to concentrate on her excitement instead of my sense of loss at least until she goes into the classroom.

It'll be the new normal but I wonder how long it will take me to grieve over not having I. here with me in the morning on a daily basis. Of course, parts will be nice. Being able to hopefully take a nap in during D.'s morning nap or having a quiet house to myself while he naps will be nice. But I will greatly miss my baby girl with her big personality and vast amount of words peppering my morning.

...sigh...

Spittin' Mad or Just Plain Hurt

Yesterday was a rough day in a couple of ways. First of all, D. was extra fussy from the morning all the way til midnight. Lots of patience, lots of boob. As a result of the lots of boob and the way D. nurses, one of my nipples is so bruised and sore that latching him on sends me to the moon and not in a good way. I've spent some time tonight watching latching videos to try to remedy this because I am in pain. Hopefully, I can put the info tips to good use and fix this sooner rather than later.

The other part of yesterday that was also out of my control. V.'s exwife's older sister was in town to visit her son who just moved here this month. The whole family is from New York and he went to school with this sister so he invited her and her son over for a BBQ at our place. I was totally cool with that. Then his exwife says she is going to drive down with the girls and come to the BBQ. Okay, so that's a little weird kind of, but okay.

So here is how the disaster began. I. was so looking forward to her sisters coming over and patience in a 5 year old is very limited resulting in her asking constantly, "When are they coming?" Well they piled in an hour and a half late and when they piled in, there wasn't 5 of them, there were 8 people. On top of that, they pile into my home and the people I haven't met before don't bother to say hello to me or introduce themselves so I know who the hell they are.

Then they had brought a container of margaritas that I didn't even know about and proceeded to pour them out for everyone of the age except for me since I was upstairs with D. But when I came down no one still offered me any or had poured me one for when I came back downstairs. V. and I proceeded to work our butts off even though I wasn't supposed to be doing anything on my feet to help with healing. I didn't mind helping V. but it was just annoying to me that no one even offered to help. They just sat there drinking and talking with each other, not even including us in the convo. I mean, I don't expect my guests to work but come on, I just had a kid so an offer would have been appreciated.

Now everyone was eating and socializing. I on the other hand, was feeding I. dinner, then feeding D, grabbing I. for bath and bed, then switching to get D. for bath. It was kind of ridiculous. I hadn't eaten lunch because they were supposed to be there at 2pm and now I'm not even getting dinner. Everyone else was having fun and I'm like the fucking nanny (after being sous chef), running around taking care of the kids while all the adults have fun. It sucked. And it hurt. Part of me being upstairs with the kids was because when I was downstairs, I was basically ignored and it made me so uncomfortable. I felt like I was on V.'s team helping him with preparation and such and then he just ditched me. I didn't expect him to be doing the kid duties since this was his social circle of people. What I did expect was for him to pour me a margarita and make sure there was a plate of food for me to eat. You know, take care of me. Look out for me since I was having to look out for our kids and put them first.

Then after I went upstairs with D. everyone took off without saying goodbye even though I was just down there to get D. It was just so disappointing to me because I really was looking forward to the party at least for the entertainment value. I had even thought up some questions to ask since I tend to get tonguetied with people I don't know. And to be treated and excluded like the hired help in my own home was beyond hurtful.

As I sat on the ground, chewing on the leftovers for my dinner, I told V. how I felt because although he had figured out I was upset, he didn't know why. I think he got it but true to form, he found it difficult to physically comfort me (a hug, a kiss) or to verbally acknowledge it and empathize with me. He didn't disagree with me though so I know he knew what I said was true. And later on, when I was tearing up, he told D. "Let's go sit next to Mommy." and he moved over and sat down up against me which is unusual. That made me feel better but still the hurt lingers. I know it touched something deep down from high school times and something that continues to plague me.

Let's just say that I can see why V. is no longer married to the exwife. Her and her sister may be entertaining in an obnoxious way but the selfishness, self-centeredness, and no consideration for anyone else is very evident. Being married to that would be exhausting and you would have to constantly be looking out for yourself because they certainly wouldn't.

Well, had to get that out so I can move on. Now I need to relax and get ready for the last feeding of D. Hopefully tonight will be uneventful and I will get some sleep.

I'm Still Standing

I'm still standing...yeah, yeah, yeah Remember that Elton John song from long ago?!

I didn't want to leave things like they were in my last post and give the impression that I might have jumped off the roof in the meantime. You know, I almost made a joke to the NP at my doctor's appointment this week in response to her questions, "How are things going? How are you?" That day I was just so beaten down tired on no sleep and pain that I could feel the hysteria rising in me. I thought about responding, "Well, I didn't check myself into Mesa Vista on the way here so that's something." For those of you who have not experienced depression or lunacy, you may not know what Mesa Vista is. It's the Sharp Healthcare version of the looney bin, at least that's what it seemed like when I was there many many moons ago. But considering how ragged I probably appeared and that my depression history was probably in my chart, I didn't think I had better make that joke to a member of the medical community at this point in time. Probably a smart move.

Thankfully, the next night provided 6 hours of total sleep so I was in much better shape to start the day off. Plus I was able to get an hour long nap in the afternoon which was really good since V. was out of town overnight and I was going to be the lone wolf on duty for the first time as a momma of two. We made it through and without too much chaos. The only real struggle was last night. I got D. down for bed after his last feeding at 11pm, went to sleep to be awoken at 1:45 for another chow session. No problem except that I noticed his eyes were wide open at the end of it at 2:20 which did not bode well especially since my head kept falling forward as I was passing out with sleep. He ended up not going back to sleep until 3:45 and it was torture, to put it mildly.

On the plus side, since he went to sleep so late in the middle of the night, he didn't wake up again until 7:45 so I was able to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It seems that surviving the early days with a newborn is about noticing and celebrating the littlest of things and focusing on the upside. That and keeping a sense of humor and knowing when not to make sarcastic jokes...

The Early Days

I have to admit that being a mother to 2 kids is a change, one that slowly I am getting used to and hopefully getting better at juggling each and every day. I have discovered a huge benefit to being a mother of two though - being able to enjoy and love the early days of a baby.

When I first had I., everything was new and confusing and though I loved being home with her, I know I was a little off kilter trying to figure out what this new baby was all about and how to handle being at home with her by myself all day long.

This time around, I have a better understanding of the foundational elements. The fact that D. is going to want to go to sleep about 1 hour and 45 minutes after he's woken up. The fact that he is going to want to eat every 2-3 hours. That kind of foundational stuff. It also helps greatly that I. was a difficult baby from day one. She liked to be entertained and constantly stimulated and had a hard time soothing herself down from being upset or to going to sleep. Funny how not much has changed with her in respect to any of these things.

So with the foundational elements out of the way and the knowledge that one, this is my last baby and two, these early days go by so quickly and you never ever get them back, I am greatly enjoying D.'s early days. Instead of the days feeling slightly stifling with their simplicity, they feel like a splurge, an indulgence of my motherly senses. I smell the top of his velvet head constantly throughout the day. I stroke the softness of his skin. I feel the loose skin on his thighs which someday will be filled with strong muscles that propel him away from me and into his own future life. I enjoy wrapping him tightly against me and carrying him around, just as though he was back in the womb. I just enjoy HIM and find myself mentally stopping to be in the moment and savoring it.

The early days...a blessing that is best appreciate the second time around.

A Brief Bitchy Moment

Let me have this one bitchy new mother moment, okay? I'm not trying to be a bitch but this is just something that REALLY gets to me quickly. Let me just say it, get it out there, and then move on to being thankful. Which I am, very thankful and still in awe of the baby boy.

Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.

Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.

But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.

My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.

A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.

Coming Up for Air

A lot of life changing events have happened since I last posted. I will do a post solely about delivering my son. MY SON. Wow, that is amazing just to type let alone to actually have gone through it. And boy, did I go through it. But that's a separate post when I have a sufficient amount of time to dedicate to it. Which is not right now.

Right now is just me coming up for air for just a moment. But enough of a moment that I want to document how I feel about this little guy and the early days of his life. His name is Dominic and he really is a beautiful little guy. Not only that, and my fingers are still crossed that this is really how he is and not just the early honeymoon period, he has the most amazing disposition and has had this disposition from the moment he came into this world. He is alert - his dark blue searching faces, lights, movements and quietly, contentedly, and watchfully taking everything in. When he turns his eyes to you, you feel him looking at you, studying you. He is happy to just chill out and look around. If he sees something that interests him, his arms and legs start kicking out and moving around, just like when he was in the womb. He doesn't cry much. Even if you're changing his diaper, he registers his discontent about the cold wipes and air but as long as you are quick about it, he squawks and yells once and then patiently waits. Of course all bets are off if he's hungry but even then, he isn't frantic, impatient, and quick to cry like I. was. He is just a sweet sweet baby. V. and I look at him and wonder how he came from us considering the force of nature that I. is. But it looks like maybe God answered our prayers for a healthy but easier child the second time around. In a way it makes me appreciate I. even more for her temperament and it definitely makes me appreciate D. even more for his uniqueness.

I am totally in love with D. - his smell, his little face and expressions, his fingers and feet. Everything about him, I just want to drink up, smell up, kiss up. Not to say that the first week wasn't tough because it was and there are still some challenges that make daily life hard. But things are better this week and I feel like some of the issues/challenges are getting fixed/solved so there is more hope than last week. Getting used to two is hard at times and my organization and time skills really have had to come into play. Yesterday was my first day on my own and we all survived. The day flew by with trying to juggle both kids and I.'s insistence on her routine makes things tricky. I realize though that next week is her last week before kindergarten which makes me sad in many ways but I know that once I get her to school in the morning, things will be simpler for a few hours until it's time for her to come home. Who am I kidding though? I am going to be extremely sad when I. goes to kindergarten. I don't like major changes and endings and this definitely falls under that category. I'll just enjoy the days I have with her until then and look forward to school vacations just like the rest of the mommas with school age kids.

Belly Developments

I'm beginning Day 2 of contractions. Yesterday's were 20 minutes apart and this morning they look more like 15 minutes or so. They aren't particularly painful so I still was able to get some sleep last night. Now that I've been through this before, I appreciate the need to get as much sleep and rest as possible early in the process.

My OB appt. is later on this morning and I'm not looking forward to the inevitable cervical exam. I would like him to be able to feel it and tell me if there is any change but not at the cost of my future sexual well-being. It would only be fair if I could kick him in the balls beforehand so that he experience the level of pain I am feeling while he's trying to get down and around the baby's head. Maybe then I'd call it even. In my birth plan, I've requested a nurse who is ameniable to drug-free labor. I'm reconsidering changing that requirement to the nurse who has the smallest hand width. I think that would be a much better choice.

If there is anything notable to report from the appts. today, I'll update.

Made It Through the Weekend

Whew, there were times this weekend when I wasn't sure I was going to make it without kicking off the labor festivities but we did. After 3 days of VBS for I. and some necessary errrands for me, I skidded into Saturday to discover that I really had no energy left which is an odd feeling to me. Even when I say I'm exhausted, I usually push through and have enough to continue. Not Saturday. My sleep on Friday night was interrupted by pressure in the nether regions and pain in my belly (probably contractions) that were uncomfortable enough to wake me up and keep me up until they subsided. By the time 10:30am rolled around and we were ready to head to the gym, I was pooped. So V. and I. went to the gym and believe it or not, I just laid back down on the bed and happily rested. I say happily because usually when I am resting, my mind is off on what I should be, could be doing with this unusual alone time but not Saturday. I was content to just lie there, read and close my eyes. I was officially pooped out.

Yesterday we got the grocery shopping done while V. was here since I suspected that another trip of lugging and unpacking would prove too much. Good thing too since contractions started hitting halfway through the shopping trip.

I think the word on the street, to borrow a phrase out of Sesame Street, is "uncomfortable". Most everything is uncomfortable for me. Rolling in bed, getting up, bending over, just sitting down - none of it feels good. My only true pleasure at this point is my shower. Feeling that warm water on my skin still gives true relief.

This morning, it's back to VBS for 3 more days hopefully. I. is having a great time and that makes me happy. And I'm getting a few more hours of alone time before this little boy makes his appearance. The afternoons give I. and I a little time together to color, do puzzles, and just hang out together, us girls. A little slice of quiet happiness in our life balanced with excitement and uncertainty.

TMI

So yesterday was a weird sort of Twilight Zone day that leads me to believe that I am in the pre-labor warm up dance. First of all, the title of this post is TMI and if you don't know what that stands for, you shouldn't be reading this sad little blog in the first place. You've been warned.

Here's the rundown of yesterday's oddities: lots of pressure and sharp pain in my upper thighs, lower abdomen, and butthole. Yep, that's right sharp pains in my butthole. Pleasant isn't it? If that didn't put you off your breakfast, this might: I went the bathroom, as in loose #2's, no less than 6 times yesterday. Add that to having to pee every 10 minutes and it's a miracle I was able to even leave the house! So that whole evacuation thing was strange just by itself. Then last night, the B/H contractions ramped up to every 10 minutes for a couple of hours until I cried "Uncle" and went to bed.

V. wasn't home last night so at bathroom break #3 at 5am. this morning, the racing what-if thoughts started up. What if my OB appt. or baby testing appt. this morning showed something that had to be dealt with immediately? How would I get I. from Vacation Bible School? Who would I call first? How would someone else pick up I. without the car seat? Well, after an hour and a half of worrying and fruitlessly trying to relax and fall asleep, I gave up. At least I won't be rushing around this morning. But I will be tired seeing as I had a hard time going to sleep (it was probably close to 11) and then getting up at 5. I've been needing 9 hours of sleep and I got about 6 so it's going to be an uphill kind of day.

We'll see what the appts. show this morning. V. will be home tonight and I'm not letting him spend the night elsewhere until after the baby is born so hopefully that will prevent these what-if racing thoughts.

One more quick thing before I run to get ready. I forgot to post this after last Thursday's OB appt. and maybe it's just me but this was another WEIRD moment for me. But maybe it's just me, it really could be, I'm just really strange about things.

My OB is a nice older man, as in late 60's I would guess and looks pretty much like his age. Glasses, gray hair, a little balding, walks around in his white coat and most importantly, he looks like a doctor. Which is good if he's your OBGYN. Because if someone is looking down THERE, I want him to look more like a doctor than a man. See, it's getting weird already and I'm not even to the weird part. Last week was the first internal exam of the pregnancy (gotta love being a woman) and I made it through. A little while later, I. and I are walking through the parking lot to our car when this convertible, sporty BMW starts to pass us and I hear, "Hi!" I look over and it's my doctor. In a sporty, convertible BMW (did I mention that?) with a snazzy checkered short sleeve shirt, no glasses and looking probably 10 years younger. The problem being he looks like a man, not a doctor. To make matters worse, he looks like some of the men who have flirted with me in the past (before I got knocked up). I've always attracted older men - I seem to work on a 20 year sliding scale. In my 20s, the men were 40s, and now that I'm 40s, they are 60s. Guess when I hit 60s, I won't have too much to worry about - hah!!

The whole situation just skeeved me out. For crying out loud, he just stuck his hand up my vajayvay and now he's tooling around all spiffy like and greeting me like we're friends. Ewww!!! I know, it's probably just one of my issues and I'm okay with that. At least when I told V., he understood where I was coming from. At least he did after I compared to getting the prostate poke exam from the female doctor and then having her all dressed up and greeting him friendly like outside the office. It's always good to have appropriate comparisons when talking to men, you know.

Home Stretch

I hate the big lapses of time between my postings and wonder how people have something to blog about every day. It's not that I don't have things to say - it's more a function of the fact that I'm not near a computer when I have something to actually say and when I am near the computer, I'm too damn tired to say it.

That seems to be the name of the game the past week or so. I know, it's not unexpected to be tired in the last weeks of pregnancy. For some reason, that fact just hasn't been accepted completely by my psyche.

If labor was to begin like it did with I., it would be beginning a week from today. A week from today! And she was only 10 days early so even if I go closer to term, I don't have much time left. Probably just as well considering that by evening, I'm tired. Actually by the time I get ready in the morning, which is usually around 9-ish, my legs are already feeling weak. The rest of the day is just a function of me pushing ahead and doing what needs to be done.

With all that being said, I still feel so very blessed by this pregnancy considering the late start I got in finding V. and getting my family life started. There are so many women who can't get pregnant or have to go through fertility treatments or have had miscarriages. And here I sit, two for two with a girl and now a boy. Like I said, truly blessed. V. and I seem to be quietly pulling together - mind you, it's not a verbal conversation we've had - but I can sense it in how we are with one another and it's soothing. I didn't feel it when I was pregnant with I. but this time around, I feel this quiet bonding. I hope that it carries into labor and the early days of this new baby boy.

Today I purposely planned a I. and Mommy Day. A day with no to-do errands and no rushing around, just easy going and fun stuff today. We are hanging out this morning, catching up on some things around the house then we'll go to lunch at our favorite breakfast place for pancakes and bacon. Then we're going to see the Winnie the Pooh movie. I. is really excited and I'm happy about it too. Starting tomorrow she's going to Vacation Bible School in the mornings for the next 6 weekdays so this may be our last dedicated I. and Mommy Day until after the baby comes. This is still hard to believe and imagine. As it gets closer, it somehow seems like less of a reality rather than more of one. I guess it's may be just a function of a little denial and not wanting to worry about the labor and delivery.

V. is going through a stressful, difficult week at work so I'm praying that the baby won't kick things off at least until the end of the week at the soonest. Especially since V. will be out of town until Thursday night. Of course, as I type that sentence another contraction hits....

A Busy Week

In theory you should start paring down activities in the last month of pregnancy but I don't think I know one pregnant woman who actually does that. I am no exception to the rule. It's not that I'm trying to run around like a nut. There's just a lot of things that I want to/need to be taken care of prior to the baby coming. I guess my personal theory is that I'd rather be running around getting things done now than when I've just had a baby, am trying to keep a 5 year old from bouncing off the walls, and am getting very little sleep. So with all that fun to look forward to, I push on in my quest of getting things done.

Last week I got the oil changed and new front tires. Can never be too safe you know. This week the carpet will get cleaned because the cat barf stains have accumulated and the last thing I'm going to want in the early days is a couple of strange men running from room to room with loud machines. That just doesn't seem to conducive for successful breastfeeding. Today we're picking my dad up for one of his Father's Day presents, which was going to lunch with two of us. Of course, that's after we go to the grocery store for a large load and exhausting lug-up-the-stairs and put away session. Of course, the pets require attention immediately in the form of Cat. His blood test results from last week were dismal and combined with a major weight loss in the past month, it's pointing to something lurking in his body. Tomorrow, I have to make 2 round trips to a specialty clinic for him about 35 minutes away so that he can undergo an ultrasound and we can have a consultation with an internist. I can hear the cha-ching right now. Throw in some regular appointments that keep I. and I sane (gymnastics class and therapy, respectively)and I've got a full week.

At least I'm not just sitting around obsessing about labor and delivery. I guess that's a good thing, right?

Weird

I don't want to be an alarmist by any means but something was going on throughout the night and I'm not sure what it was. To start with, I was really tired yesterday by noon. My legs felt like lead and I didn't feel much like eating. Okay, I get it - I'm very pregnant and that's all probably very normal.

But then in the middle of the night I woke up with strange belly pain and it lasted throughout the night. It didn't feel like contractions, false or otherwise, so it was hard to describe. My belly just felt really sore, kind of muscle cramping especially in the top half of it and it hurt enough to wake me up and keep me up.

This morning seems normal enough. My legs do feel like lead again and I'm tired but I didn't sleep well either so that makes sense. The pain isn't there but my belly is rather hard this morning. The baby is moving and grooving so I know he is fine. Me? Well, I'm not so sure on that. I guess we'll just wait and see.

One Day At A Time

My day at the spa was wonderful. I quietly hung out by myself, reading and relaxing, as I rested my feet in the whirlpool and hung out in the dimmed relaxation room awaiting my massage appointment. The massage felt really good but I have to admit that I am looking forward to a complete massage, not one that avoids all the feel good places that could trigger contractions. I hung out there for about 4 hours and drove home in the late afternoon when usually I'm putting Isabella in the bath and bed. The hubby and I also scored on 2 date dinners which is unheard of and provided a nice hang out time for us.

I also happily got belly pictures taken with I. this week so that I can remember this basketball belly and how I. and I shared this exciting time together. I haven't seen the pictures but I am hopeful that many of them turned out well. I seem to take good pictures with I. Must be the love shining through...

Yesterday we took I. to the circus and had a great time. The looks on her face were priceless and I found myself surreptiously watching her face instead of the circus. I really enjoyed every moment of it. And to cap it off, as soon as it ended, I. gave me and V. two big hugs of thanks which really warmed my heart. It's always a balance of giving your kid a lot without giving too much and lowering their appreciation quotient.

Sleep is proving more difficult as the days go by. My hips are hurting for lying on my sides all night and I've been waking up from weird, chaotic dreams thanks to burning pains in my rib cage thanks to the little guy exerting constant pressure on it. He moves all the time just like he always have but I can tell the movement is more limited so he is definitely still growing and running into space issues. Aren't we all running into space issues? I'm having a difficult time getting my head around the fact that he may be here in as soon as 2 weeks, maybe 3. It's hard for me to picture for some reason. A big part of me is a little melancholy that he will no longer be inside me. For all the uncomfortable moments, it truly is a miracle when he and I are able to interact during this time and since it will be the last time, and I know that (or it had better be the last time!), I'm starting to become wistful about it. I wish this wasn't part of my temperament but it just is and I will just have to roll with it and concentrate on enjoying all of this last month's experiences fully.

Mommy's Time Off

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last posted. Time is flying by and it makes me nervous. So what's been going on?

Well, last Thursday we finally did my mom's Mother's Day present and I. and I took her by train to San Juan Capistrano to a day of a petting zoo, lunch, and browsing around time. She's a big time train lover so she loved it and really the day was wonderful. It was relaxing on all levels and we all just had so much fun talking, experiencing, and being with one another. Some times together are better than others and this was one of the really good ones. I wonder if some of it was because in the morning when I got up, I said to myself, "Today is going to be a fun day, a day of memories." I feel like that mindset helped me relax and just stay in the moment. I'll have to test out that theory on another day. Maybe I should start chanting that to myself when I go into labor?? Perhaps I'll find a substitute word for "fun"; that may be a stretch.

Sunday we enjoyed a nice bday celebration for my brother at my parents' house. It was so nice to be able to get ready for that day and be looking forward to it without worrying about my sister and her behavior. It's like night and day how I feel before going over to a family event now. I. spent the night there and will be there until I pick her up on Wednesday afternoon. She's been asking to spend 3 nights over there for the last few months so we finally scheduled it. I miss her but I've got to say that I have no problem entertaining myself. I know this is going to be the last chance that I will have for a few years to just relax and enjoy so I'm kind of going all out. Usually when she spends time with my parents, I use the time to get projects and errands done but not this time. Yesterday, I attempted to sleep in but the little guy had different ideas and started to do all his acrobatics around 7am. I figured he'd stop at some point, which he did, and that then I would try to go back to sleep. However, right after he stopped kicking around, the hiccups started and those can go on for 10-15 minutes so I gave up and got up. Went to the chiropractor, went to an early movie, did one errand, grabbed some lunch and then met my friend Terry for coffee at 2pm. Even though we've talked many times over the last months, we hadn't actually seen each other for 8 months or so. It was great to just relax and catch up. To cap off the day, V. and I went out to a fun, nice dinner. It was just all around a perfect kind of day.

Today I'm going all out and will be getting a massage in the early afternoon at a hotel day spa. I'm planning on maximizing the money by getting down there early and using the spa facilities and relax. It should be nice. I researched all the prenatal massages around here and this one not only looked really nice, they didn't gouge you like the other places did. No matter how good a massage is, it's hard for me to emjoy it if I'm being gouged. Except of course when we go to Vegas and go to the spa at the Venetian/Palazzo but you don't feel like you're being gouged because the facilities are so palatial and over the top wonderful, you still feel like it was worth every dime.

That's the plan and hopefully a cheap Taco Tuesday dinner at El Torito with the hubby tonight. When you don't get out of the house after 3:30 every single day like me, being out in the evening is a real treat. On the baby side of things, he has dropped much lower, which allows me to eat and breathe, but results in all sorts of groin and belly pains as well as a marked increase in Braxton-Hicks contractions. I probably have 25-35 a day now and they are starting to get strong at times. Officially, we're 4-5 weeks away but I think 3-4 weeks is more realistic. I can't believe it how it's right around the corner. Okay, better not think about it any more or I'll start getting stressed. On to my relaxing day....