Dear SDGE,
I wanted to tell you just how much I appreciated another power outage last night. Though I know you don't care how every failure on your part to deliver the energy that we pay so dearly for directly affects our household, I thought I'd tell you anyway.
When the power goes off for the entire night, not just a couple of hours, it causes problems in my household. First of all, all children's nightlights are extinguished which in the world of a child is a very big deal. Then the fan which moves the air around the room turns off leading to a very stuffy room, not conducive for falling back asleep. Finally, it results in the white noise machine shutting off. What that leaves me with is a 5 year old's silent, stuffy, and pitch black room.
And of course, this 5 year old happens to wake up right at 2am when I am nursing her 2 month old brother. Since I'm the only one on night duty, I had to go into her room to soothe her quietly with a baby hanging off my...(well you don't need to know all about that) and tell her that she just had to go back to sleep, everything is okay. It was a hard sell and I was very lucky that she took it with the least amount of fuss.
Problem was that the 2 month took this talking of mine to mean that this wasn't merely a middle of the night feeding, it was a wake up/stay up feeding which did not bode well for me. I couldn't let him cry it out a little to wear himself out because may I remind you, the 5 year old had no white noise machine and his crying would have triggered her calling for me and oh that would have been very bad indeed.
So instead, I had to keep repositioning him every 10 minutes or so since he inchworms himself somehow fully swaddled all over the crib, kept resetting the vibration to try and calm him, and jiggling the crap out of it when all else failed. The feeding started at 2am but all this jiggling and crap lasted from 2:30-4:00am. By this point, I realized he was going to be ready for another feeding soon, so I just nursed him for another 20 minutes, hoping that he would finally give it up and fall asleep.
Thankfully, it worked and he went to sleep. However, after this high state of alert for hours, I couldn't fall asleep. Soon it was 6:20 and he was crying to eat again. Lo and behold, now the power was back on. I was able to grab an hour or so of sleep after this feeding because I took him downstairs to his father who had enjoyed a silent, uninterrupted night of sleep. But that still brings my grand total of sleep to a whopping 4.5 hours, definitely not enough to feel good, patient, and cheerful for the day. That is going to involve a lot of effort on my part.
So thank you again. I'll be sure and remember all this when it's time to send you the money to pay you for the energy you sometimes deliver to us when you feel like it and I'll definitely remember this when I see another article about how you have to raise your rates.
Sincerely,
A thoroughly dissatisfied, tired, and pissed off customer
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rants. Show all posts
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
A Brief Bitchy Moment
Let me have this one bitchy new mother moment, okay? I'm not trying to be a bitch but this is just something that REALLY gets to me quickly. Let me just say it, get it out there, and then move on to being thankful. Which I am, very thankful and still in awe of the baby boy.
Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.
Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.
But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.
My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.
A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.
Here it is. I am the one who gets up with the baby at night which makes sense since I'm the one with boobs. I get that. I also am cognizant that V. gets up at his own ungodly hours during the week to work. So I don't have a problem with being the one who handles all the nighttime duties, as well as the daytime duties if we're being honest here.
Most nights haven't been too bad. I usually feed D. for the last time ending at 11pm. so that he will only get up once at 2:15ish and then again at 6:30am. Or something like that. Sometimes though he doesn't go back to sleep quickly after the 2:15 feeding and I'll be up from 2am to 4am and then back up at 6:30. That's with going to bed at 11pm which is pretty late for me. But that's how it is and I'm fine with it.
But here's the thing. On the weekends, V. goes to sleep around 9/10pm and then sleeps uninterrupted until he wakes up which is still pretty early, usally around 6am. Yet he's still exhausted by 9am, needing to take a nap then and then passing out by 1pm for an hour or longer. Meanwhile, I'm tired too but still having to deal with 2 kids on very very interrupted and limited sleep which is my Achilles heel for my mental and emotional health.
My brain gets it that he's working 16 hours a day at a very stressful, demanding job. But my tired psyche is still trying to get used to having 2 kids with very different needs yet both very demanding and trying to cope with all this with reduced sleep and round the clock nursing which poops me out. And that leads to snarky, bitchy thoughts that I have to actively shut my lips so that they don't escape out of me.
A lesson in self-control and reaching deep down to keep the peace in the household. Because in all honesty, having a peaceful house is worth a lot more to me than making that bitchy comment that may make me feel better at the moment but much much worse in the end.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Slowly
This adverb "slowly" accurately describes my recovery this week from the stomach flu. Just when I would think that my stomach could adequately handle some sort of food, it let me know very quickly and in a very unpleasant and painful manner that no, it was not ready. I wish it could just let me know ahead of time instead of tricking me with a random hunger pain and then punishing me after the fact. This type of trick had me wandering the house in the middle of the night in pain in search of something, anything that would get my bowels to calm down and let me sleep. Last night a truce was called and I actually got some sleep which should help make for a more productive day. I really don't think I can stand the suitcases sitting unpacked on the ground much longer. I swear they are beginning to taunt me when I walk by them but when you're seriously low on energy, you have to budget wisely.
Yesterday was my normal OB appointment and I ended up being bummed out for the rest of the day. I don't think that's right considering that everything went well. We heard what's it's heartbeat (a first for V.), my blood pressure was nice and low, my weight right on the money, and besides, I had those awesome test results from before. I figured it would be a really positive appointment. But no, of course not. After looking at my chart, the first question was, "Are you going for genetic counseling?" I asked him if he had seen how good my test results were and I didn't see a need to sit down and talk with someone unless some test showed something worrisome. Yeah let's sit down and have a negative, the-sky-is-falling conversation about risks that are not coming up in my results - what is the friggin' point of that?!
The doctor said okay but again reiterated that at 40, they highly recommend an amnio. I just simply responded, "No thanks." He said that was my choice but began reiterating the whole "at 40..." converation to which I stopped him with, "we wouldn't do anything no matter what the amnio showed anyways." That stopped him in his tracks and he said, "Well that's good to know."
Here's the rub: I picked this guy over 10 years because he was positive, cheerful, calm, and always in a pleasant mood. And now this time around, I've wound up with Eeoyre. I mean he says all these things pleasantly enough but it's just the fact that this is a wonderous time, a miracle of life and when I go into that office, it's like everyone is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and God forbid, don't say anything positive about how smoothly the pregnancy and tests are going. Don't acknowledge that - that may be way too much positive energy. What's ironic is that when I go to the place to get the tests done, they are very positive - "Oh, the baby looks perfect", "You're only 40, we have tons of 47 year olds running around here and most everybody's tests are fine." Because that is the reality. The majority of babies born to healthy mothers are just fine so why does the medical community concentrate on that 1%?
I'm hoping that once we've reached the point of no return, when all the tests are done, that these pointless conversations are over and they can start approaching this pregnancy as a happy thing, a healthy thing. I swear this is why people have home births, to circumvent this level of bullshit. Okay, enough for now of me on this soapbox.
Yesterday was my normal OB appointment and I ended up being bummed out for the rest of the day. I don't think that's right considering that everything went well. We heard what's it's heartbeat (a first for V.), my blood pressure was nice and low, my weight right on the money, and besides, I had those awesome test results from before. I figured it would be a really positive appointment. But no, of course not. After looking at my chart, the first question was, "Are you going for genetic counseling?" I asked him if he had seen how good my test results were and I didn't see a need to sit down and talk with someone unless some test showed something worrisome. Yeah let's sit down and have a negative, the-sky-is-falling conversation about risks that are not coming up in my results - what is the friggin' point of that?!
The doctor said okay but again reiterated that at 40, they highly recommend an amnio. I just simply responded, "No thanks." He said that was my choice but began reiterating the whole "at 40..." converation to which I stopped him with, "we wouldn't do anything no matter what the amnio showed anyways." That stopped him in his tracks and he said, "Well that's good to know."
Here's the rub: I picked this guy over 10 years because he was positive, cheerful, calm, and always in a pleasant mood. And now this time around, I've wound up with Eeoyre. I mean he says all these things pleasantly enough but it's just the fact that this is a wonderous time, a miracle of life and when I go into that office, it's like everyone is just waiting for the other shoe to drop and God forbid, don't say anything positive about how smoothly the pregnancy and tests are going. Don't acknowledge that - that may be way too much positive energy. What's ironic is that when I go to the place to get the tests done, they are very positive - "Oh, the baby looks perfect", "You're only 40, we have tons of 47 year olds running around here and most everybody's tests are fine." Because that is the reality. The majority of babies born to healthy mothers are just fine so why does the medical community concentrate on that 1%?
I'm hoping that once we've reached the point of no return, when all the tests are done, that these pointless conversations are over and they can start approaching this pregnancy as a happy thing, a healthy thing. I swear this is why people have home births, to circumvent this level of bullshit. Okay, enough for now of me on this soapbox.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Tired
That's the one word to describe me right now - tired. Physically tired, yes. Tired of how no matter what I. is doing, as soon as I start posting, she inevitably will appear next to me, asking and/or whining about something. It's like a sick phenomenon. I try not to get annoyed but when it happens each morning, it gets old. I can't write during the day, I'm too busy doing and by the time I am able to at night, I just can't - I'm too drained, too exhausted.
I know this won't go on forever and really, I'm tired of hearing myself say how tired I am. I think it's just a result of being overwhelmed with a lot of things. Last night I found myself with an iota of energy so I put away laundry, put another load in, and finally unpacked V. and I's bags from our mountain trip. Yeah, the one I still haven't posted about. I need to download the pics to accompany the story and honestly, after doing the chores I just mentioned, I laid down on the living room floor to watch tv with a blanket because I was too tired to sit up on the sofa.
I wish I could say that I got good sleep last night but I didn't. For one thing, I got up for my nighttime bathroom visit closer to 4:30 rather than around 2ish so it made it hard to go back to sleep. Then since V. wasn't here to feed the cats, they were running laps around this same time since that's usually when V. feeds them. As I was starting to relax, I heard this distant beeping (I had ear plugs in, everything's distant) that would stop and then start again a couple of minutes later. I finally couldn't take it and wandered the bedroom until I finally located the offending noise - I.'s play cellphone that was running out of batteries and was beeping. Grrrr...
Today I had high hopes of going to the zoo or the Wild Animal Park for the day. Now I'm considering Chuck E. Cheese just so I can get some sort of resttime. To complicate things, I. has not been getting enough sleep the last 3 days and her attitude and frustration directly reflect this. As I finish this post, she's gotten out every sticker page she can find in her art drawer and has them strewned on the carpet. In one of my lesser "momma" moments, I just told her that she needs to put those away now or I'm getting the trashcan and putting them away for her. Yeah, I know - could have used a different tactic but this whole week, every time it's time to leave the house, I come downstairs (after coordinating the upstairs' pickup) and there are little piles here and there. Instead of running even later, we end up leaving and inevitably, I'm picking all this crap up after she goes to bed. Thus the "I'm getting the trash can" method of compliance.
Oh well, we all have our moments right? I'm off to salvage this day now.
I know this won't go on forever and really, I'm tired of hearing myself say how tired I am. I think it's just a result of being overwhelmed with a lot of things. Last night I found myself with an iota of energy so I put away laundry, put another load in, and finally unpacked V. and I's bags from our mountain trip. Yeah, the one I still haven't posted about. I need to download the pics to accompany the story and honestly, after doing the chores I just mentioned, I laid down on the living room floor to watch tv with a blanket because I was too tired to sit up on the sofa.
I wish I could say that I got good sleep last night but I didn't. For one thing, I got up for my nighttime bathroom visit closer to 4:30 rather than around 2ish so it made it hard to go back to sleep. Then since V. wasn't here to feed the cats, they were running laps around this same time since that's usually when V. feeds them. As I was starting to relax, I heard this distant beeping (I had ear plugs in, everything's distant) that would stop and then start again a couple of minutes later. I finally couldn't take it and wandered the bedroom until I finally located the offending noise - I.'s play cellphone that was running out of batteries and was beeping. Grrrr...
Today I had high hopes of going to the zoo or the Wild Animal Park for the day. Now I'm considering Chuck E. Cheese just so I can get some sort of resttime. To complicate things, I. has not been getting enough sleep the last 3 days and her attitude and frustration directly reflect this. As I finish this post, she's gotten out every sticker page she can find in her art drawer and has them strewned on the carpet. In one of my lesser "momma" moments, I just told her that she needs to put those away now or I'm getting the trashcan and putting them away for her. Yeah, I know - could have used a different tactic but this whole week, every time it's time to leave the house, I come downstairs (after coordinating the upstairs' pickup) and there are little piles here and there. Instead of running even later, we end up leaving and inevitably, I'm picking all this crap up after she goes to bed. Thus the "I'm getting the trash can" method of compliance.
Oh well, we all have our moments right? I'm off to salvage this day now.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Busy Days
A slow start this morning after an abrupt awakening. Oh, I like the double alliteration in that first sentence. Yes, I know I'm strange for even noticing it but I'm a visual person and these kinds of things just jump out at me. Anyways, the abrupt awakening at 5:58 a.m. was I. crying so I ran into her room only to find out that it was only because Baby Bear had fallen on the ground. Yes, I know she loves her Baby Bear. That's not the issue. The issue is that she was going to be climbing out of that blasted bed in 2 minutes and could have retrieved Baby Bear. I guess I should be happy that I. is such a literal kid in that it never crossed her mind to sneak out of that bed before 6:00, get Baby Bear and climb back in. I tried to keep that in mind as I stalked back to my bed to try to sneak in a few more minutes of sleep.
Now I'm up and moving, still struggling with fighting off this cold, and am facing a busy errand day. Actually Day One, Day Two comes tomorrow. But it's better that I get these things done while I. is in school for a couple of hours rather than wait until next week when she's out of school. I just wish I felt better. The pounding ears and head don't make things easier. I should be thankful though because V. has the full blown version of the cold.
My pet peeve of the last couple of weeks has been that I. doesn't play with the toys she has. I've parsed them down to make them less daunting and it isn't that she has SO many toys. She just doesn't play with them and it's aggravating to me. What is also aggravating to me is that since the time change she's getting up so friggin' early (this morning it was 4:33 or something like that) that by 8:30/9:00 a.m., she's already tired and has a low tolerance for frustration leading to my morning being filled with little whining, crying fits as things don't look/work exactly as she wants them to. Grrr...stupid stupid time change.
Now I'm up and moving, still struggling with fighting off this cold, and am facing a busy errand day. Actually Day One, Day Two comes tomorrow. But it's better that I get these things done while I. is in school for a couple of hours rather than wait until next week when she's out of school. I just wish I felt better. The pounding ears and head don't make things easier. I should be thankful though because V. has the full blown version of the cold.
My pet peeve of the last couple of weeks has been that I. doesn't play with the toys she has. I've parsed them down to make them less daunting and it isn't that she has SO many toys. She just doesn't play with them and it's aggravating to me. What is also aggravating to me is that since the time change she's getting up so friggin' early (this morning it was 4:33 or something like that) that by 8:30/9:00 a.m., she's already tired and has a low tolerance for frustration leading to my morning being filled with little whining, crying fits as things don't look/work exactly as she wants them to. Grrr...stupid stupid time change.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
How Fun in Life is Like Married Sex
I already know that I'm overly sensitive to criticism, I always have been. I don't know if it's because I've had a problem with perfectionism or because my parents always expected it from me, most likely a combination of both. I bring all of this up because of a comment/attitude my mom made/had at the very end of our conversation today. It wasn't such a big deal in and of itself but it really is just a small example of something that has always bothered me about my parents. I'll try to simply state the comment and attitude and then dissect it ad naseum (most likely) afterwards.
My mom said she wanted to come over Monday afternoon and see I. and that she knew she had better tell me now since she knows I book in advance. I laughingly made the comment that last night, I was just "booking" something in December already. She responded, "You sound like this lady Dr. Laura had on her show yesterday. She was getting all worried and hyper about her daughter and Dr. Laura said that she just needed to calm down." I said, "I'm not worried about I. There are things I want to experience with her and I want to make sure I do before she's in school full-time." She said, "September is a long way away." and I said, "I know, but time is flying by so fast that I just want to make sure I get things planned in advance so I don't miss any." Then my mom gave this little laugh that she only does when she doesn't understand why you're feeling/thinking a certain way or why you're saying something but it doesn't really matter because she thinks it's pretty ridiculous. Everything probably would have been fine up until the laugh. I really had to get off the phone so I couldn't try to address it but it festered inside for the rest of today.
I know it doesn't sound like a big deal and in the grand scheme of things, it's not. But here's the root of it. When I was living at home, I was not really allowed to have a life outside of the family. It was all about the Family. If we had had a big family, at least it would have been a big circle but as it was, it was basically my dad and mom and about 4 crazy relatives that we tried to have as little contact with as possible. So my life was contained in a very little circle.
On top of that, my parents capitalized on the fact that I avoided at all costs disappointing them. That led to a lot of self-containment on my part. If I knew that they wouldn't like what I was thinking or how I was feeling, I just kept it inside because if it differed from how they were, they would make you feel bad about it. Here's what I'm talking about. They talk nonstop and are gregarious, sometimes loud and laugh a lot. I think that's great but it's not me. I think before I speak and many times I think a whole lot but never speak about it. My parents consider this quiet and unfriendly. I laugh especially with I. but not often. It's not that I don't think things are funny, often times I do, but I don't laugh loudly at all the things I think are funny. I'm just more reserved that way. My parents go from the highest highs to the lowest of lows and then make sure you know every gory detail of them. Me, I like to stay pretty even keel with my peaks and valleys within limits. My mother considers this milquetoast and she can't stand people like this (a direct quote). As far as gory details, I usually don't provide many, definitely none that are too emotional to me, and if I do, it will be years later after the painful issue has been dealt with.
This is how they are and I know that. They haven't changed, I've changed. I stopped caring what they thought and did what I thought should be done. If they didn't like it, "oh well, I'm not them" became my attitude.
But I. and my parenting is still a newish topic. I'm still finding my way as most mothers do when they have young children. That makes my parenting a topic that I haven't quite gotten to the "if you don't like it, kiss off" end of the spectrum. With non-family members, I do have that attitude. Even with V., my attitude is "I spend 24/7 with I. and I know her". But this is my mother and I felt like she was casting judgment on something to do with my mothering.
No, this is not how she goes through her life but that doesn't make my way wrong. When I was growing up, our bills were always paid late, checks were bouncing and not because my dad wasn't making money. It was because she was never on time with doing bills. To this day, she is still running to the bank 5 minutes before it closes to make a deposit or a transfer to cover checks. Her days are free form, errands here and there not necessarily in a straight line, not getting to do the things she wants to do because she runs out of time etc.
That's about as far from me as you can get. Just hearing about her chaos and hecticness of remembering this, forgetting about that, makes me tense. It's not just that I like structure. It's that I want to make sure that I do get done what I have to but with plenty of healthy, fun time thrown throughout my week. Errands have a way of eating up hours and hours. I like to group them together by area so that I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. I want to maximize my fun time with I. for the next 9 months. That is a priority for me. Also, by putting things on my computer calendar, I can visually look at a week (or month) and immediately see if the week is unbalanced. Am I cramming too many errands and necessary appointments into a week which will lead to I. acting out and me stressing out? If so, I can easily delay a few things and replace it with fun. Yes, it's structured but it's not set in stone, it's a constantly and easily changing document.
The bottom line is that my calendar is a visual barometer of how healthy and balanced my personal and home life is. After Mark died, I promised myself that I would make sure to include more fun things in my life instead of what I needed to do. Fun in life, at least as an adult, is kind of like sex when you're married - if you wait to have it on a spontaneous basis, it'll never happen. You've got to put it into whatever "schedule" you've got going. That doesn't mean you'll enjoy it less, in fact looking forward to it is half the fun!
My mom said she wanted to come over Monday afternoon and see I. and that she knew she had better tell me now since she knows I book in advance. I laughingly made the comment that last night, I was just "booking" something in December already. She responded, "You sound like this lady Dr. Laura had on her show yesterday. She was getting all worried and hyper about her daughter and Dr. Laura said that she just needed to calm down." I said, "I'm not worried about I. There are things I want to experience with her and I want to make sure I do before she's in school full-time." She said, "September is a long way away." and I said, "I know, but time is flying by so fast that I just want to make sure I get things planned in advance so I don't miss any." Then my mom gave this little laugh that she only does when she doesn't understand why you're feeling/thinking a certain way or why you're saying something but it doesn't really matter because she thinks it's pretty ridiculous. Everything probably would have been fine up until the laugh. I really had to get off the phone so I couldn't try to address it but it festered inside for the rest of today.
I know it doesn't sound like a big deal and in the grand scheme of things, it's not. But here's the root of it. When I was living at home, I was not really allowed to have a life outside of the family. It was all about the Family. If we had had a big family, at least it would have been a big circle but as it was, it was basically my dad and mom and about 4 crazy relatives that we tried to have as little contact with as possible. So my life was contained in a very little circle.
On top of that, my parents capitalized on the fact that I avoided at all costs disappointing them. That led to a lot of self-containment on my part. If I knew that they wouldn't like what I was thinking or how I was feeling, I just kept it inside because if it differed from how they were, they would make you feel bad about it. Here's what I'm talking about. They talk nonstop and are gregarious, sometimes loud and laugh a lot. I think that's great but it's not me. I think before I speak and many times I think a whole lot but never speak about it. My parents consider this quiet and unfriendly. I laugh especially with I. but not often. It's not that I don't think things are funny, often times I do, but I don't laugh loudly at all the things I think are funny. I'm just more reserved that way. My parents go from the highest highs to the lowest of lows and then make sure you know every gory detail of them. Me, I like to stay pretty even keel with my peaks and valleys within limits. My mother considers this milquetoast and she can't stand people like this (a direct quote). As far as gory details, I usually don't provide many, definitely none that are too emotional to me, and if I do, it will be years later after the painful issue has been dealt with.
This is how they are and I know that. They haven't changed, I've changed. I stopped caring what they thought and did what I thought should be done. If they didn't like it, "oh well, I'm not them" became my attitude.
But I. and my parenting is still a newish topic. I'm still finding my way as most mothers do when they have young children. That makes my parenting a topic that I haven't quite gotten to the "if you don't like it, kiss off" end of the spectrum. With non-family members, I do have that attitude. Even with V., my attitude is "I spend 24/7 with I. and I know her". But this is my mother and I felt like she was casting judgment on something to do with my mothering.
No, this is not how she goes through her life but that doesn't make my way wrong. When I was growing up, our bills were always paid late, checks were bouncing and not because my dad wasn't making money. It was because she was never on time with doing bills. To this day, she is still running to the bank 5 minutes before it closes to make a deposit or a transfer to cover checks. Her days are free form, errands here and there not necessarily in a straight line, not getting to do the things she wants to do because she runs out of time etc.
That's about as far from me as you can get. Just hearing about her chaos and hecticness of remembering this, forgetting about that, makes me tense. It's not just that I like structure. It's that I want to make sure that I do get done what I have to but with plenty of healthy, fun time thrown throughout my week. Errands have a way of eating up hours and hours. I like to group them together by area so that I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. I want to maximize my fun time with I. for the next 9 months. That is a priority for me. Also, by putting things on my computer calendar, I can visually look at a week (or month) and immediately see if the week is unbalanced. Am I cramming too many errands and necessary appointments into a week which will lead to I. acting out and me stressing out? If so, I can easily delay a few things and replace it with fun. Yes, it's structured but it's not set in stone, it's a constantly and easily changing document.
The bottom line is that my calendar is a visual barometer of how healthy and balanced my personal and home life is. After Mark died, I promised myself that I would make sure to include more fun things in my life instead of what I needed to do. Fun in life, at least as an adult, is kind of like sex when you're married - if you wait to have it on a spontaneous basis, it'll never happen. You've got to put it into whatever "schedule" you've got going. That doesn't mean you'll enjoy it less, in fact looking forward to it is half the fun!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Stupidity Part Deux
I hate to seem like I'm on the "everybody is stupid" rant because really I'm not. It's just that things that I would expect to be obvious and required are becoming hard to find.
I already expounded on the newspaper delivery challenge here. Here's the other thing: in less than a week, the same freeway overpass has been hit twice resulting in the entire freeway being closed down for a cumulative 7 hours. Doesn't that sound like something that should immediately be looked at and remedied? Of course not, why do that when you can just shift the blame around like a shell game?
"It's up to the driver of the big rig and their company to ensure that they can clear all bridges and overpasses in their route."
Uh, yeah but they aren't. This overpass has been hit twice, once dislodging a steel beam from it and today, dislodging a tractor off of a flatbed which collided into someone's vehicle. What the heck are they waiting for - a fatality?
Not only is the freeway hosed in a MAJOR way, it makes me wonder how foundationally sound the bridge itself is since it keeps taking direct hits. But no worries, just continue passing the buck and pointing fingers. We'll just keep our fingers crossed locally and hope that nothing really bad happens.
I already expounded on the newspaper delivery challenge here. Here's the other thing: in less than a week, the same freeway overpass has been hit twice resulting in the entire freeway being closed down for a cumulative 7 hours. Doesn't that sound like something that should immediately be looked at and remedied? Of course not, why do that when you can just shift the blame around like a shell game?
"It's up to the driver of the big rig and their company to ensure that they can clear all bridges and overpasses in their route."
Uh, yeah but they aren't. This overpass has been hit twice, once dislodging a steel beam from it and today, dislodging a tractor off of a flatbed which collided into someone's vehicle. What the heck are they waiting for - a fatality?
Not only is the freeway hosed in a MAJOR way, it makes me wonder how foundationally sound the bridge itself is since it keeps taking direct hits. But no worries, just continue passing the buck and pointing fingers. We'll just keep our fingers crossed locally and hope that nothing really bad happens.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Nothing Like Stating the Obvious
When we came back from Puerto Rico, getting the papers restarted turned into a major hassle as in multiple phone calls every morning for about a week. It was truly ridiculous. It culminated in the ultimate in stupidity when I happened to look down a random "alley" at the end of our long row of townhouses and saw 8 papers sitting there. This "alley" is more like an outdoor hallway and contains the water main and SDGE electrical/gas readouts for the whole row. Doesn't that sound like a good place to deliver all my papers? Yeah, believe me I thought so too.
It appears that we're going back to that place of paper insanity because out of the blue, after many weeks of successful delivery, we didn't get 2 out of 3 of our papers yesterday. Then today, the same thing. However, when V. drove down the street on his way to get the girls this morning, he happened to glance down this same "alley" and lo and behold there were our 2 papers from this morning. So I had the pleasure of calling one of the newspaper companies and had this lovely, cerebral conversation to start my weekend:
Me: "They are delivering the papers to an small alley at the end of my townhome row. There is nothing there but the water mains and electrical boxes for everyone's house."
Them: "Well, where would you like your paper delivered?"
The fact that this question was even asked made me want to cancel the paper right then. What were my options I wonder? The roof, my bedside table, under my pillow?? I almost asked but Saturday morning is no time for sarcasm. So instead I said:
"My front porch?"
And she said, "I'll put that in the instructions for the carrier, that you would like it delivered to your front porch."
Oh my gosh, what is this world coming to when a newspaper delivery guy has to be specifically told to deliver the said newspaper to the front porch?! Scary, that's what this is.
It appears that we're going back to that place of paper insanity because out of the blue, after many weeks of successful delivery, we didn't get 2 out of 3 of our papers yesterday. Then today, the same thing. However, when V. drove down the street on his way to get the girls this morning, he happened to glance down this same "alley" and lo and behold there were our 2 papers from this morning. So I had the pleasure of calling one of the newspaper companies and had this lovely, cerebral conversation to start my weekend:
Me: "They are delivering the papers to an small alley at the end of my townhome row. There is nothing there but the water mains and electrical boxes for everyone's house."
Them: "Well, where would you like your paper delivered?"
The fact that this question was even asked made me want to cancel the paper right then. What were my options I wonder? The roof, my bedside table, under my pillow?? I almost asked but Saturday morning is no time for sarcasm. So instead I said:
"My front porch?"
And she said, "I'll put that in the instructions for the carrier, that you would like it delivered to your front porch."
Oh my gosh, what is this world coming to when a newspaper delivery guy has to be specifically told to deliver the said newspaper to the front porch?! Scary, that's what this is.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Warning: You're About To Enter the 40 Zone
I am much, much, much too tired from our Vegas trip to go into great detail right now but I will and soon. I need to download the pictures from the camera so that I can include them on the post. So for now, a quick word from your sponsor...
"Do you want to ease back into your normal worklife after being on vacation? If so, do NOT accidently schedule your annual ob/gyn appointment on your first day back!"
Yeah, unwittingly that's what happened and boy did my vacation mode grind to a dead stop. First of all, there's nothing like having a "normal" conversation as the medieval instrument used to prop open your wahoo is being cranked open. Secondly, now because I'm 40, it appears I get added bonuses to my appointment now. If it wasn't bad enough to have my boobs pushed and prodded lying down, as an added attraction, I get to have the same done sitting up. BONUS! Plus, I get the extra ride coupon for my first mammogram. Honestly, I know it's me but I felt like I should have an advertisement for burial crypts attached to that lab referral form. I think it's just left over from when I was pregnant - I was 34 when I got pregnant and then when I turned 35 (still same pregnancy), all these questions about "special" genetic tests and risks from advanced maternal age. So in 24 hours I went from a great pregnancy to an at-risk pregnancy. Bullshit.
Then to top it all off, as a reward for making it to 40, I got to have a rectal exam to check for...well let's just leave it as "things that do not belong up there". Oh joy, oh rapture. I thought I dreaded this exam before, but oh baby, I can promise you I REALLY will be dreading this exam next year. I can't wait to see what 50 brings. Maybe I'll just ask my mom now so I can have a decade to prepare for the next humiliation.
"Do you want to ease back into your normal worklife after being on vacation? If so, do NOT accidently schedule your annual ob/gyn appointment on your first day back!"
Yeah, unwittingly that's what happened and boy did my vacation mode grind to a dead stop. First of all, there's nothing like having a "normal" conversation as the medieval instrument used to prop open your wahoo is being cranked open. Secondly, now because I'm 40, it appears I get added bonuses to my appointment now. If it wasn't bad enough to have my boobs pushed and prodded lying down, as an added attraction, I get to have the same done sitting up. BONUS! Plus, I get the extra ride coupon for my first mammogram. Honestly, I know it's me but I felt like I should have an advertisement for burial crypts attached to that lab referral form. I think it's just left over from when I was pregnant - I was 34 when I got pregnant and then when I turned 35 (still same pregnancy), all these questions about "special" genetic tests and risks from advanced maternal age. So in 24 hours I went from a great pregnancy to an at-risk pregnancy. Bullshit.
Then to top it all off, as a reward for making it to 40, I got to have a rectal exam to check for...well let's just leave it as "things that do not belong up there". Oh joy, oh rapture. I thought I dreaded this exam before, but oh baby, I can promise you I REALLY will be dreading this exam next year. I can't wait to see what 50 brings. Maybe I'll just ask my mom now so I can have a decade to prepare for the next humiliation.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The 3 F's
The sense of futility, frustration, and failure hangs heavy in the humid air this morning. Before 8:15 am. I was in tears, feeling unloved and unappreciated by my daughter. The one that just 5 years ago, I carried in my body and was so looking forward to meeting.
I thought I was a good mom but with the behavior I've been seeing for the past month, I must have been doing it all wrong for a very long time. I just don't get it. I haven't been treating her like she's the middle of the universe, she's a part of the family. I have been consistent with her discipline and teaching her what is and is not acceptable, she knows it. But this summer she's been trying to turn into a little tyrant and that's been the battle the whole freaking summer. Everything, no matter how small, she has to make it into a fight with me. Going to the bathroom - NO. So three times a day she pisses in her underwear.
And if something big and fun isn't on the day's agenda, then she'll throw a tantrum first thing in the morning. This morning, her underwear were inside out and she threw them at me and said, "YOU fix them. I'm not fixing them." This is NOT how I have been raising this child. I feel like I have been doing the hard work, not taking the easy road of just letting her do what she wants but now it seems like I am sowing nothing but defiance and disrespect.
It feels like all I do is punish because I don't think I should let these instances pass without consequences. In between, I give love and physical affection to try to balance it out but it still feels like I'm just mean momma every day, every second. It exhausts me and breaks my heart and after over a month of this, it's breaking my spirit.
I thought I was a good mom but with the behavior I've been seeing for the past month, I must have been doing it all wrong for a very long time. I just don't get it. I haven't been treating her like she's the middle of the universe, she's a part of the family. I have been consistent with her discipline and teaching her what is and is not acceptable, she knows it. But this summer she's been trying to turn into a little tyrant and that's been the battle the whole freaking summer. Everything, no matter how small, she has to make it into a fight with me. Going to the bathroom - NO. So three times a day she pisses in her underwear.
And if something big and fun isn't on the day's agenda, then she'll throw a tantrum first thing in the morning. This morning, her underwear were inside out and she threw them at me and said, "YOU fix them. I'm not fixing them." This is NOT how I have been raising this child. I feel like I have been doing the hard work, not taking the easy road of just letting her do what she wants but now it seems like I am sowing nothing but defiance and disrespect.
It feels like all I do is punish because I don't think I should let these instances pass without consequences. In between, I give love and physical affection to try to balance it out but it still feels like I'm just mean momma every day, every second. It exhausts me and breaks my heart and after over a month of this, it's breaking my spirit.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Mood Hijacking
You wanna know how you can go from feeling content and happy to annoyed and really bummed out all in one short hour? You call my mom for the weekly check-in phone call and listen to her non-stop hour long monologue filled with meaningless, countless details of stories about my sister and brother. Stories that my mom labels as "funny" when in reality, they are perfect examples of how ill equipped both of them are to independently function in life. Stories that illustrate what happens when you constantly rescue your child from any and all consequences of their poor actions. And she wonders out loud why they don't learn the lessons and stop the behavior. I've only been a mother for 4+ years and even I have figured that one out.
You know, I'm sorry, I just don't find it funny anymore. It's like a broken record and not only am I tired of it, I'm tired of ME paying the consequences. Like not being able to see my parents during the week, during the daytime hours - the only hours I can see them because I HAVE A YOUNG CHILD IN MY HOUSE. They don't, but they act like they do and that is beyond annoying to me.
So I told my mom that the stories weren't funny to me because they were just going to be another thing that was going to be stressing her out down the road because she keeps bailing him out and solving all his problems for him. I could tell she blew me off because she just changed the topic to move on to when was V. going to not be home for the weekend so that we could see each other. Because, as stated before, they can only visit with me and I. on the weekends because of my 26 year old deadbeat loser of a sister. So just as soon as I finally have my hubby back a little, they want to know when he's going to be gone so they can visit. That's beyond stupid and pisses me off.
After an hour that seemed like two, I had to go get I. out of the gym's kid center so I was able to terminate the conversation. Did my mom ask anything about I. or my life? How was our weekend? What did we do as a family? How are things going? Nope, not one fucking thing.
And that's how a mood gets hijacked. Now the hard part is getting it back to where it was before. I'll let you know if I discover any helpful hints on that along the way.
You know, I'm sorry, I just don't find it funny anymore. It's like a broken record and not only am I tired of it, I'm tired of ME paying the consequences. Like not being able to see my parents during the week, during the daytime hours - the only hours I can see them because I HAVE A YOUNG CHILD IN MY HOUSE. They don't, but they act like they do and that is beyond annoying to me.
So I told my mom that the stories weren't funny to me because they were just going to be another thing that was going to be stressing her out down the road because she keeps bailing him out and solving all his problems for him. I could tell she blew me off because she just changed the topic to move on to when was V. going to not be home for the weekend so that we could see each other. Because, as stated before, they can only visit with me and I. on the weekends because of my 26 year old deadbeat loser of a sister. So just as soon as I finally have my hubby back a little, they want to know when he's going to be gone so they can visit. That's beyond stupid and pisses me off.
After an hour that seemed like two, I had to go get I. out of the gym's kid center so I was able to terminate the conversation. Did my mom ask anything about I. or my life? How was our weekend? What did we do as a family? How are things going? Nope, not one fucking thing.
And that's how a mood gets hijacked. Now the hard part is getting it back to where it was before. I'll let you know if I discover any helpful hints on that along the way.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Do I Really Have Nothing To Say?
I haven't posted for almost a week. Why? Every night I ask myself why I'm not posting and I still don't think I have the real answer. I come up with "I'm too tired.", "I don't have time." and "I don't really have anything to say." But do I really have nothing to say? Or is it something else?
The hubby has been home the last week (as opposed to the previous 2 weeks) so I don't like to be on the computer at night when he's awake so that we can spend some time together even if it is just vegging in front of the tv. When he does fall asleep on the couch, then I would rather read since that's a guilty pleasure these days. So that's been part of it.
Another part of it is that things have been continuing to go well with The Baby during the day which has been wonderful. That doesn't mean I'm any less tired; in fact, I think reining myself in and catching myself before the immediate, thoughtless "no" comes out of my mouth actually requires more energy in a way. The day requires less of my patience since we have fewer squabbles but it requires more mind control instead.
I have been more tired too because the hubby's timeclock has been off due to travel and I sleep so lightly that I'm awake off and on all night long and if I can tell he's not asleep, I can't fall back to sleep for a long time. That brings me too a recent aggravation that probably has contributed to me "not having anything to say".
Hubby found out late Tuesday that he has to go to Saudi Arabia on business for a week leaving Sunday morning. He's already been gone for the past 2 weeks and wasn't supposed to travel again until mid October but here's this friggin trip to the Middle East. This pisses me off on several levels: first it's last minute so I'm trying to deal with that; secondly, he was supposed to be home for awhile; thirdly, IT'S THE F*!% MIDDLE EAST right after 9/11 with Bin Laden spouting off on his latest crap; fourthly(sp?), there's all this travel warnings on the Web about Westerners shouldn't be going over there for non necessary trips due to terrorist attacks on them and the hotels they stay in - AARGH - need I continue?!
On top of this, it just irritates me that I can't count on my parents to help when I need it. I mean when I was sick and Vinny was in DC, my mom was running to help my train wreck of a sister get to the grocery store but it was okay that I was lying on the couch ill with Isabella running circles around me. I know, I'm bitter but after 10 years, it gets old. Though in one way, I would like a soft place to land in another way, it goes so against my grain as the oldest and mostly only child that I would rather just be by myself. I guess it would just be nice to be given the option or asked if I wanted help...
The hubby has been home the last week (as opposed to the previous 2 weeks) so I don't like to be on the computer at night when he's awake so that we can spend some time together even if it is just vegging in front of the tv. When he does fall asleep on the couch, then I would rather read since that's a guilty pleasure these days. So that's been part of it.
Another part of it is that things have been continuing to go well with The Baby during the day which has been wonderful. That doesn't mean I'm any less tired; in fact, I think reining myself in and catching myself before the immediate, thoughtless "no" comes out of my mouth actually requires more energy in a way. The day requires less of my patience since we have fewer squabbles but it requires more mind control instead.
I have been more tired too because the hubby's timeclock has been off due to travel and I sleep so lightly that I'm awake off and on all night long and if I can tell he's not asleep, I can't fall back to sleep for a long time. That brings me too a recent aggravation that probably has contributed to me "not having anything to say".
Hubby found out late Tuesday that he has to go to Saudi Arabia on business for a week leaving Sunday morning. He's already been gone for the past 2 weeks and wasn't supposed to travel again until mid October but here's this friggin trip to the Middle East. This pisses me off on several levels: first it's last minute so I'm trying to deal with that; secondly, he was supposed to be home for awhile; thirdly, IT'S THE F*!% MIDDLE EAST right after 9/11 with Bin Laden spouting off on his latest crap; fourthly(sp?), there's all this travel warnings on the Web about Westerners shouldn't be going over there for non necessary trips due to terrorist attacks on them and the hotels they stay in - AARGH - need I continue?!
On top of this, it just irritates me that I can't count on my parents to help when I need it. I mean when I was sick and Vinny was in DC, my mom was running to help my train wreck of a sister get to the grocery store but it was okay that I was lying on the couch ill with Isabella running circles around me. I know, I'm bitter but after 10 years, it gets old. Though in one way, I would like a soft place to land in another way, it goes so against my grain as the oldest and mostly only child that I would rather just be by myself. I guess it would just be nice to be given the option or asked if I wanted help...
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