Hitting the Nail on the Head

It's been awhile (AGAIN) that I wrote a post but it seemed like after the fires, this whole house was in a funk. We seemed to be misstepping throughout the day and it was like running uphill backwards all day long. Exhausting! Then we had Isabella's birthday (which she enjoyed immensely) and survived my sister's drama on the same day. Maybe I'll give an abbreviated version of that day in a minute. But for now, I'll continue the timeline. We also changed the clocks that weekend which added another misstep and then Isabella spent 2 whole nights at my parents' house while I got 2 rooms painted and the carpet and tile cleaned. Which brings me to the title of the post. Here I had 2 days free of Isabella (though I had to stay home with workers "chasing" me around) but still...I was babyless. Yes, I enjoyed it immensely but I actually felt like I was floundering a bit without my normal routine. I read, watched morning tv, played some brain games on the computer, did some tutorials for new software, etc. and still I just felt a little off. It was so nice to not have to talk and just be silent but it just felt weird. I couldn't believe how much energy I still had by the end of the day! But, you know, it didn't seem like there was a point or accomplishment for the day and that's because Isabella wasn't here. I didn't feel like that before I had her so it was quite a surprise to me. I was reading a book while on the treadmill today and read this perfect quote in a not so perfect book but when I read it, I thought "Yep, that's right." So here's the quote:

"Is the ability to miss your baby so viscerally, even when you're supposed to be enjoying a night off, just another of nature's tricks to make mothers stay at home? It seems to me that if you're not within touching distance of your baby, she worms her way into your head like a catchy pop song, pokes her little fat fingers into your brain, pulls at your heart, reminds you that child-free freedom is not what you hunger for after all." (The Yummy Mummy, Polly Williams)

So now for the abbreviated version of Isabella's 2nd birthday day:

Noon: Discover my pet fish is dead. Cry and have Vinny take care of it.
12:30pm: Sister calls freaking out that she can't get to the party at 1:30 'cause my mom didn't call to wake her up (she's 24 freaking yrs. old). Says we're all being buttheads. Tell her I'm tired of the victim role, she's needs to take responsibility and I have to go get Isabella down for a nap. She says she'll just stay home and wish she was dead and that she'll never forgive her. Tell her I'm sorry she feels that way but I'm not going to deal with her drama on my daughter's 2nd birthday.
3:00pm: Brother still not here because sister says he has to wait for her to get to his house so that he can bring her to the party.
3:30pm: Brother calls to say sister has totalled her car (that my parents just bought her a month ago for $8000)into a parked towtruck and has been taken to ER and then jail.
3:35pm: I insist they stay for birthday cake and singing Isabella Happy Birthday and then they leave.

That was the drama free birthday I was hoping for. Can't wait to see what Thanksgiving holds!

ENOUGH!!

This week we've been going through the horrible fires here in San Diego. For 2 days straight, we had the news on all day and evening keeping track of the where the fires were since we were under mandatory evacuation but chose to stay. It was really eerie in our complex after we saw everyone driving away after the announcement and then with the nearby freeway closed, the silence was deafening. It was just us and the falling soot.

Since the mandatory evacuation was lifted, we have still been house ridden because of the unhealthy air and the fact that everything is closed. I refuse to have the news on all day looking at all the despair and sadness of people losing their houses and almost a half a million people displaced in shelters. Thus my post's title - ENOUGH!! I cannot listen to another person who has lost everything they owned except their life or wondering if they still have a home or what happened to their animals. I am emotionally exhausted from all of it. I feel bad since I should just be happy that I still have my home but I take things to heart too much I think. I'm tired of seeing the ticker tape of running trauma running on the bottom of the screen, every show preempted (except for the World Series of course, God forbid).

Okay, I feel better now. I've had my rant and I can move on. And I may actually be able to go outside tomorrow (WOO HOO!) - that would be the best thing of my day if that happened. Here's to better days...less smoke, open indoor playgrounds, gyms with childcare, etc.

Back to That Selflessness Topic

What started this post was hearing how much some moms on television loved being moms to 8 and 16 kids. These women were saying how wonderful it was, how much they loved it, and acted like it was almost a calling.

As I sit over here, agonizing (well, maybe not quite that) about having a second child, I wonder "What's wrong with me?" because some days seem so difficult to me. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE being a mom, wouldn't trade it for anything, and would do anything to keep my girl safe and happy. BUT...there are some days when I'm just pooped and out of patience for the day and this is just with 1 kid!

So what is it? What makes some moms able to happily handle lots of kids and some feel like 1 or maybe 2 (on a good day) is their limit? Is it temperament? Or is it a selfish type of personality? Or is it that we have just gotten used to a certain type of life?

Lately, I'm leaning a little towards the last one. Why? Because my perfectionist, Type A temperament has mellowed out quite a bit and I certainly do not want to foist that on my girl at all. I already see those tendencies in her as it is. A selfish type of personality? As in my previous post, that selfishness has mellowed out a lot and doesn't make its' appearance very often. So that leaves me with the last option - I got used to being on my own, responsible only for myself, and while that gave me a lot of freedom, it didn't give me a lot of fulfillment. But I think I got used to it and it makes it hard for me to deal constantly with being "on call" for a little someone all day long. These "Super Moms" as I call them (the 8 and 16 kids' moms), for the most part, got married young and started having kids immediately and often so they never really enjoyed the freedom or experience of just being responsible for themselves and having no one to answer to. That's not to say it was bad - in fact, in one way now that I'm a mom I think it would be better and easier to be a mom and wife. But, on the other hand, I know what I'm NOT missing by being responsible for a husband and child and that makes me appreciate all that more. But it does sometimes make daily life harder for me I think. Either way, I think that being a mom is just a difficult job and those "Super Moms" that I watch on television are just freaks of nature or on a high Valium dosage.

At least that's what I'll tell myself to make myself feel better!

Just a Quick Blog

I don't normally write at this time since I try to conserve energy when The Baby is down for an hour's rest so I have enough to make through the afternoon. However, she has been typically going the bathroom within the first 15 minutes of her rest and I go back in to clean her up so that she doesn't get the horrible diaper rash she would get. So, thought I'd write quickly while waiting for the next dump.

Of all things, Britney Spears has been on my mind this morning. I don't normally get personally involved with this loser celebrities but when I heard that she lost custody of her 2 babies because she couldn't follow mandatory, normal-human rules, I just couldn't believe it. Now that I'm a mom, I just cannot imagine continuing to do something if it meant my kids would be taken away. It's just beyond my comprehension. I would do anything to not lose my girl. In fact, it's one of my top 2 goals right now in my life to give her a happy, secure, safe life. I keep this goal in mind when I get frustrated with the hubby and want to snap at him in front of Isabella and it makes me button my lip. Later on when I could say something, I find it's not really valid anyways that I was just being irritable. I keep this goal in mind when I don't feel particularly happy or cheerful and make myself smile and act cheerful in front of her. Do I feel like doing this all the time? Hell no but I'm not going to lay my burdens or moods on her. If they feel heavy to me, how heavy would they feel to a little person trying to deal with her own emotions, fears, frustrations, etc?

Being a parent has made me such a better person. I am much more selfless now and concerned about the wellbeing of my family members and I like that - in a way, it's freeing. In another way, this selflessness backfires and leads me to look at myself in the mirror after The Baby's bedtime and be horrified to see my lunch stuck in my teeth and it's been there since 11:30am! Note to self: check teeth during resttime!

Now That My Tantrum Is Over...

Wonder where The Baby gets her tantrum throwing from? Well, just check out my last post. It hit me the next day when I was driving that a tantrum is exactly what it was. I have to admit, I did feel better getting it out and I started laughing at myself whining about "It's not fair" "Waaa" You would have thought I had learned and accepted that lesson by now but I guess not. Every once in a while everyone's entitle to a tantrum I think.

So this week's been okay, not great. The Baby came down with a cold as soon as the hubby left so she's been borderline gnarly so far this week. I know she hasn't been feeling well, so I tried to be understanding and sympathetic but after the 4 meltdown in 2 hours today, I was starting to get tired of it. So, I just started acting like I was calm and patient (even though I didn't feel that way) and it got us through the rest of the day and kept things moving rather smoothly. I had forgotten that little trick I learned and used out in the career world - when I wanted to tell someone where they could put a contract but couldn't do that and had to act like I was calm and in control. See, lessons can be transferred from former to current lives and vice versa! Good lesson for the day.

Hubby is okay and should be home Friday night. The sad part is that this week has been so much less stressful work-wise for him than his normal week and he only had to travel 21 hours for it. I will keep looking for job postings for him!

This is sounding less like a post than an email to someone. I hate when that happens. Hopefully next post will be better....

Do I Really Have Nothing To Say?

I haven't posted for almost a week. Why? Every night I ask myself why I'm not posting and I still don't think I have the real answer. I come up with "I'm too tired.", "I don't have time." and "I don't really have anything to say." But do I really have nothing to say? Or is it something else?

The hubby has been home the last week (as opposed to the previous 2 weeks) so I don't like to be on the computer at night when he's awake so that we can spend some time together even if it is just vegging in front of the tv. When he does fall asleep on the couch, then I would rather read since that's a guilty pleasure these days. So that's been part of it.

Another part of it is that things have been continuing to go well with The Baby during the day which has been wonderful. That doesn't mean I'm any less tired; in fact, I think reining myself in and catching myself before the immediate, thoughtless "no" comes out of my mouth actually requires more energy in a way. The day requires less of my patience since we have fewer squabbles but it requires more mind control instead.

I have been more tired too because the hubby's timeclock has been off due to travel and I sleep so lightly that I'm awake off and on all night long and if I can tell he's not asleep, I can't fall back to sleep for a long time. That brings me too a recent aggravation that probably has contributed to me "not having anything to say".

Hubby found out late Tuesday that he has to go to Saudi Arabia on business for a week leaving Sunday morning. He's already been gone for the past 2 weeks and wasn't supposed to travel again until mid October but here's this friggin trip to the Middle East. This pisses me off on several levels: first it's last minute so I'm trying to deal with that; secondly, he was supposed to be home for awhile; thirdly, IT'S THE F*!% MIDDLE EAST right after 9/11 with Bin Laden spouting off on his latest crap; fourthly(sp?), there's all this travel warnings on the Web about Westerners shouldn't be going over there for non necessary trips due to terrorist attacks on them and the hotels they stay in - AARGH - need I continue?!

On top of this, it just irritates me that I can't count on my parents to help when I need it. I mean when I was sick and Vinny was in DC, my mom was running to help my train wreck of a sister get to the grocery store but it was okay that I was lying on the couch ill with Isabella running circles around me. I know, I'm bitter but after 10 years, it gets old. Though in one way, I would like a soft place to land in another way, it goes so against my grain as the oldest and mostly only child that I would rather just be by myself. I guess it would just be nice to be given the option or asked if I wanted help...

So Far So Good

Well, things aren't jinxed yet. Despite no nap and a couple of tantrums as a result this afternoon, I was able to successfully navigate the day. I did learn something new today though. I'll just set the lesson up how it went. Came home from the grocery store around 3:30 (remember no nap) and as I was racing to just put away the absolute necessities before making The Baby dinner, she signs to me that she wants to watch Blues Clues. Well, I am a stickler for TV and we watch about an hour together in the morning (Blues Clues, Signing videos) and then that is it. Unfortunately with last week's stomach virus, I had to resort to a DVD in the late afternoon so that I could get a head of steam to make it through bath and bedtime routine.

So, The Baby says she wants to watch Blues Clues. I of course say no sweetie, I'm making you food right now and she bursts into a crying tantrum. I keep moving on with dinner plans in the kitchen as she screams figuring she's pissed off at me for saying no and then here's the lesson. I look into the living room and she's stood up. When she sees me, she raises her arms up so I come around the counter, kneel down and open my arms up and she comes running into them! I was shocked! I thought she was crying because she was mad at me. And initially, she probably was. But as time marched on, she was just sad and that's where no one can do better than Momma. I need to remember that in the future because as soon as I held her and hug and kissed her, she recovered enough to sit in her chair and wait a few minutes for the rest of dinner.

I may know her better than anyone else on the planet but that doesn't mean I know her 100%! Something for me to keep in mind...

In a Groove (for as long as it lasts)

I already know that I am jinxing myself by commenting on the fact that this week has been better than the last few weeks. Don't get me wrong, The Baby hasn't turned into an angel by any means and we still have daily tantrums but I have been able to successfully nip quite a few in the bud this week and that makes me happy. The only thing I'm certain of is that it won't last and like everything else, it will change (maybe tomorrow). I wish that I could keep that simple fact in mind when things are going badly instead of feeling as though it will never end. Maybe I can revisit this blog when I am having a bad week to remind myself.

We tried out a new free class yesterday morning and The Baby had the best time she has ever had outside of the house. She tends to put on her "game face" and be more reserved when we go out but by the end of 2 hours at this class, she was as happy as I have ever seen here, animated, galloping around and shrieking at the top of her lungs which is very unusual for her since she hardly does that at all. I have to say that watching her gleefulness and pure abandon filled me with a happiness right up there with my wedding day and the moment she was born. Amazing how something so simple can elicit such a good feeling in me. It's moments like these that make the other moments: whining, tantrums, pulling my hair, kicking me fade into the background for a while and make me understand why people have more than one kid.

Getting closer to my second kid post .....(can't you tell?)

It's All About Right NOW!

I realized a couple of important things the last couple of days - one lesson that I learned from The Baby and the other one that just came to me. First the lesson of The Baby.

I finally have noticed that The Baby lives in the here and now. She can throw a tantrum one minute and be SO MAD at me and then the next minute be laughing and hugging me. I think this is a great lesson to me for a couple of reasons. First of all, by nature I remember things for a long time. I have to say that I don't hold grudges overnight but hour to hour, yes I do remember why you pissed me off. This has not been helpful in getting through the day with a 21/22 month old who throws quite a few tantrums. I would find myself holding on to that last tantrum and then combining my frustration with the next one until it became a snowball effect. But The Baby doesn't do that and seems much happier as a result. So I am trying to mirror that behavior and deal with the tantrum, hug each other and then let it go until of course the next one. We'll see how that continues to work out but so far the last couple of days, so good.

The other thing that I realized was that before I had The Baby, I always (as in my whole life from 10 years old on) was looking forward to something in the future, many times not enjoying the present as a result. Can't wait until I can date, can drive, have a boyfriend, get married, have a baby, have a career, etc. No matter what stage I was at I was always reaching and longing for the next stage. Well, this morning it just hit me that I really am content. For all my bitching and moaning about how tired I am or how my patience is tried, I am not longing for another stage right now. I'm happily married with a daughter and that's really what I always wanted. Yeah, I had the successful career and was at the top of my game and then was at the bottom of my game and you know what, it wasn't fulfilling for my life. It was an ego booster and on the outside, everyone said "Ooh ah" but on the inside I was still reaching for a real purpose. Now very few people say "Ooh ah" on the outside but I give a rat's ass because I, My Baby, and my husband (and a few others) say "Ooh ah" about the impact I have on their daily lives. This is what it's all about however hard (and don't get me wrong it's hard) it is.

For once in my life, it's not all about me and that is a good thing!

A Little Goes A Long Way

Today I tried to keep in mind the realization of last night's post and it actually helped make the day more pleasant and go more smoothly. When The Baby was throwing her fits this morning, I stayed calm and tried to resolve them and if I needed to hand down consequences, I did it quickly and with as little emotion as possible. I felt better and she also seemed to bounce back and recover more quickly than other days.

Another thing I learned today is that random acts of affection towards her goes a long way. She would be playing by herself and out of nowhere, I would come up and give her a hug and kiss and then go back to what I was doing. I noticed she played longer by herself, was less demanding of my attention, stayed in a good mood longer, and was more physically affectionate with me overall. So I will definitely be putting this little tidbit into daily effect and hope that it will continue to work.

The Baby's impetigo on her face returned today and now I have antibiotic ointment to try and put on her face three times a day. This of course turns into the most annoying power struggle. As soon as I put it on, she wipes it off unless I hold her down for a few minutes which is almost impossible and unpleasant for both of us so I just try to distract but she won't fall for distraction. Oh well, seven days, three times a day - okay, so that's only 21 times total that I will have to practice deep breathing and lots of patience.

Soon I'd like to post my mental tug a war and fears/concerns about having #2. Overall, I think what it boils down to is a lack of confidence in myself as a parent and what I feel is a patience problem. But I want to let it percolate a little longer before I post about it.

That's it for today - still in recovery from the stomach virus. Until next time...

Where's My Damn Sick TIme?

One more rant before I head to bed....

This week I was hit with a stomach virus. No, I wasn't throwing up or anything else but the spasming in my stomach was so bad that I almost wish I was just for evacuation purposes!

As I was lying on the couch with a pillow over my face (no, not to suffocate myself but to stop the room from spinning), The Baby was ripping the living room to shreds, climbing on the table and basically doing everything she's not supposed to do because somehow she knew I was just not able to deal with it. I could deal with all this until she climbed on the couch and threw all 27 pounds on my stomach and that's when I thought,

WHERE THE HELL IS MY SICK TIME?

Yes, that's right, a flashback to my working days and had I the energy to focus on it, I would have become quite bitter. Luckily, my energy was focused on getting this 27 lb deadweight off my stomach immediately and after that, I was just in pure survival mode in making it to bedtime alive and breathing.

But I had to post my flashback to working life because when times get tough, I seem to have more of them. A stay at home mom's fantasy life I guess....

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times

So much for my enthusiasm to be a successful blogger about my life as a stay at home mom. I'm still not sure what exactly caused my departure from my blog except for being braindead and tired by the end of the day. However, a friend of mine recently started blogging and it encouraged me to try and start again. Her blog has helped me through my own frustrations as it allows me a "peek" into her daily life and I can tell it helps her as well. I just hope mine can do the same.

My daily life has changed since I last wrote, thus the braindeadness at the day's end, in that The Baby changed from a sweet, energetic girl to a whirling dervish full of piss and vinegar. Don't get me wrong, she can still be sweet - to her daddy, her sisters, pictures of random dogs, cats, animals in general - all these things are given profuse kisses and hugs. But for me, I have to beg for some affection and when I do get it, it's in the form of a kiss with her tongue out (her idea of being funny) and a tight hug that ends with fistfuls of my hair being pulled in opposite directions. I know I shouldn't take it personally but it's so hard when it only happens to me!

So, The Baby does everything at 100 mph. That's how she moves, takes naps (what naps?!), and eats. The only thing she doesn't do at that speed is talk which I know in a way I should enjoy because I can already tell she is going to be one of "Those Children" who spend their days toddling behind you saying "What's that?" and "Why?" the entire time their eyes are open. So in that regard, I'm okay with no talking. On the other hand, it does nothing to help alleviate her frustration and unreasonable expectations when it comes to understanding what she wants. I can only imagine how frustrated she must get with me and yes, it's completely directed at me since I am the sole person with her Monday thru Friday. But I gotta tell ya, after the 3rd tantrum before 8 am, I'm right up there with her level of frustration and that's when it gets out of control and I feel so bad afterwards because every once in a while, I figure out what it was and it was something so simple. By that time, she's been screaming at me, I'm yelling at her to please be quiet and stop, and the parrot is trying to drown both of us out with his impression of a car alarm at the top of his lungs which drives The Baby and I both nuts. It truly gets to be "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" around here.

On the flip side of The Baby's new independence is her sense of humor, which I love and enjoy, and the realization that I somehow as her mom elicit strong emotions out of her, both good and bad. She doesn't squeal with wild abandon with anyone else like she does with me. She doesn't run with outstretched arms and a huge smile on her face towards anyone like she does after I've worked out at the gym for an hour. There's definitely something to that. My heart swells when I realize these things but I also am scared to death because that means I have the most impact on her little heart, soul, and mind these days and I feel like I need to be careful with that kind of responsibility.

I hope tomorrow morning when the tantrums start, I can keep this last realization in mind just a little bit and try harder to keep my cool and go that extra step to understand my Baby.

The First Official Post

Here we go.. the first official post.

So, something that's been concerning me is hearing other stay at home moms say that their lives are boring, mentally unchallenging, and personally unfulfilling. I make the distinction between stay at home and working moms here because I don't hear those same comments from the working moms. They talk about the stress, exhaustion and guilt but not being bored, unfulfilled, or mentally unchallenged because I suppose they feel as though the job provides that to them.

Now, don't get me wrong. Every day of my life is not perfect - I don't skip my way emotionally through the day, ponder many things at length, nor feel absolutely thrilled and fulfilled at the end of the day. But, I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE THAT WHEN I WAS WORKING OUTSIDE OF THE HOME EITHER. And I guess that's one of the main points of this post. No matter what you do, it's not going to feel completely fulfilling and joyful all of the time. What I have found and what I hope will be helpful to other moms is this: you get out what you put in.

Think about it for a moment -- if I go through the day thinking how bored I am playing with her, feeding her, doing errands etc. , I'm going to be bored. If instead I concentrate on her eyes, her face, her reactions as I am playing with her, it opens a whole 'nother aspect to playing with her. To me, it may seem boring; to her, she's never seen it like this, experience it that way and I can surprise her with this. That truly is my job as a mom - expose her and show her new things for her to experience for the first time and celebrate it with her. Part of my personal fulfillment is seeing her eyes widen, the lightbulb go on in her head, and she makes the connection with life as we have known it for years.

When I was working outside the home and at the top of my game, the appreciation and new praise was few and far between. Now that I'm home, I get appreciation every day though I have to identify it as that sometimes since it comes in a different form now. "The Baby" doesn't talk yet (except for Dada, of course, and some sign language) but when she shows me affection during the day and says "thank you" to me in sign language when I've understood her communication attempts, that is blatant appreciation in my new workplace. The problem is not that our children don't appreciate us (at least when they're younger), it's that we don't acknowledge and enjoy their appreciation for us and that's a real shame. I know I've been guilty of this plently of times.

So, enjoy where you are at now because it will change all too soon and you will be looking back to these days with longing.

More later...

First ... A Little About Me

First, a little info on me. I am 36, soon to be 37, wife of almost 4 years, and mother to a 15 month old girl. I have a BS in Business Admin. and worked my way up to a Regional Sr. Mgr. for Southern CA in a large international corporation. I was successful in my career and well liked among my peers and my bosses because I worked hard, demanded perfection from myself, inspired loyalty in my employees, and was able to get along with just about anyone. I grew tired of the rat race - the stress, the politics, the lack of appreciation, and having to answer to too many people and went as far the opposite way as I possibly could. I bought a swimming pool service and repair route, a pickup truck, equipment and struck out on my own. People thought I was insane - here I was leaving an almost 6 figure job to be a pool girl but that's what I wanted to do and I did it. Unfortunately, I had accumulated a lot of damage to my knees and wrists to my crazy, kamikaze karate days in my 20's and it all started flaring up with the hard physical labor of repairs and the repetitive motion of cleaning. Worked out anyways, because we were ready to try for a baby.

"The Baby" was born November 9, 2005 and has blossomed into a feisty, challenging, happy girl who keeps me on my toes. Just when I think I have it down, she throws me a curve ball and I feel like I'm back in the early months, lost and scrambling. But that's a whole 'nother post!

So that's the info on me. Before having "The Baby", the majority of my friends were male. Since having "The Baby", I've developed more female friends while struggling to hold onto my past male friendships (again, a whole 'nother post). I suspect I'm not alone in that position. I was actually told by someone that I was a male trapped in a female body based solely on how my brain worked. I have to admit that since having "The Baby", my brain has become a little more "femalized" which actually has been hard to adjust to.

Well, that's probably enough (or more than enough about me), at least to begin with.

The Point of This Post

I really have no expectations that anyone will be interested in the postings of a stay at home mom (that's what SAH stands for) but I am going to post anyways. I don't want this to become a stay at home vs. working mom diatribe - honestly, there is enough of that and that is not my point. Rather, my point is to provide an outlet of my daily/weekly thoughts that may prove useful or at least cause thought among other moms or dads for that matter.