I feel like hitting my head against a brick wall. I swear it would make me feel better...
It's not that today was that bad of a day, it really wasn't. Isabella and I had fun and I actually slept halfway decent last night so I felt more rested than normal. But then at the end of the day (and that seems to be the trend), I just have had enough and wind up feeling like the worst mother. I mean, I can't imagine any of my other mom friends feeling this way - I just can't picture. Mentally, I know they must since it's inherent to being a stay at home but emotionally, I just feel like I'm the only one thinking what I'm thinking.
For instance, Isabella's in the bath and I'm trying to put her room and bed back together for the second time today before bed. It doesn't take that long but she just sits in there playing but screaming Mommy, Mommy, Mommy without a breath at the top of her lungs. I try to tune it out but at this point in the day, it just gets under my skin. I try to appease her and keep looking around the corner at what she's doing but it doesn't help. As soon as my face disappears, she starts with the screaming again. I try talking to her and telling her what I'm doing - no avail. By the end of this process, I'm thinking (and here's where the horrible mother begins), "Just shut up! Stop! Shut the &*%$ up!"
The other thing that wears me down almost every day is how rambunctious she is all the time. By the end of the day, I feel physically beat up and tired from dodging flailing arms, poking fingers, open handed slaps, full scale kicking. This even takes place when we're rocking in the rocking chair before bed. She's slamming her head side to side, sometimes forward into my chest and basically, I'm feel like I'm defending myself from an attack. These type of episodes take place all day long and I'm just freaking tired!
Lastly, she's been crying between 10-45 minutes a night when I put her down to bed, screaming OWWIEE. Supposedly because the tape on her diapers is rubbing her leg. I fix it once when I put her in the crib and then have to listen to her crying. A couple of times, I've gone back in, unattached and reattached the tape, and still she's continues screaming OWWIIEE.
Anyways, I know I shouldn't complain because she goes to bed so early but every day is a test of endurance without a real break. Even the hour resttime has been messed up because she has been sticking her hands in her poopoo diapers so I have to go in there twice during that hour and check for poopoo unless I want a real disaster waiting for me. The early bedtime is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Yes, I enjoy a long evening without her but that just means that I have to do every piece of her caretaking at least 5 days a week and sometimes that (especially bathtime) grates on me.
Well, I emotionally feel a little better even though she still crying upstairs and it's been about 20 minutes. I figure I'll get in the shower and then I won't be able to hear her but then I'll feel guilty and thus begins the "I must be the worst mother" message track going through my brain. How could I possibly handle being pregnant with her or having another one???!!!
