Another Eve

It's not New Year's Eve...it's Idyllwild vacation Eve.  This time of the year flies by so quickly.  It seems like once Halloween hits, it's a race to the end of the end.  First Halloween, then I.'s birthday, followed by Thanksgiving and then soon after Christmas and our annual New Year's vacation.  Thank goodness D. was born in the summer.

Christmas was relaxed since we didn't have to go anywhere.  We just enjoyed watching the kids opening their presents and later played with them before my parents arrived close to noon.  We had a good time opening presents and dinner went well except for feeling as though we were cooking in a boat.  But my metaphor or analogy (it's too late to look up the correct definition) diffused any stress and my Christmas table turned out well.

Tomorrow we leave for Idyllwild.  With my lists and packing ahead of time I feel like I'm in a good place.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow at 11am, if I'm in as good of shape.  Fingers crossed that things will go somewhat smoothly and at a low stress level.

Also, we have no WiFi at our cabin so I may be incommunicado until we get back.  Seeing that I have 3 months of magazines to get caught up on and many books to read, I'll be just fine.  I'm hoping for a really great vacation getaway with my family.  V. has been home quite a bit from Christmas Eve on so I'm hoping that our vacation will be a continuation of this downtime.

One big thing that came to pass, both a big positive and a somewhat negative, has been that V. made all of his annual goals and thus has made it to the "President's Club" this year.  Meaning that we have an all expense paid and loaded up with all sorts of activities' trip to Puerto Rico February 28-March 3rd, 2013.  I'm excited yes but I have to admit when I saw the email, my first response was to tear up thinking that I had to get D. weaned by then.  It's doable but since he's sick now, it's going to require an accelerated schedule since I'm not eliminating feedings when he's sick.

I have to admit that as I see all the activities we have to choose from and I recognize that this is truly good timing, I'm getting really excited.  V. and I haven't been away by ourselves since March 2011 (and that was with D. in my tummy) and I have read that 18 months is the "perfect" time to wean which would be February 6th. I think it's especially opportune time that this year happens to be the year they have this celebration in Puerto Rico.  The heritage of V. and the site of our honeymoon... very fitting.

Still, I'm feeling grief and wondering if there's a way to continue nursing D. after a 5-6 day vacation.  I don't want to wean him based on our needs, I'd like to wean D. based on his needs but I'm not sure that's going to work.

Christmas Eve Firsts

I can't believe it's Christmas Eve already....I can remember last Christmas Eve like it was last week.  When you're an adult, life goes fast but when you're a parent it just races by.

A pleasant surprise was that V. was downstairs working instead of going into the office like he said he was. That gives us 5 days with him (well, I. 4 days since she'll be at my parents' house after Christmas).  It's a treat.

I. is so excited but thankfully her 4:18 am wake-up time caused her to be asleep by 5:30. As I braided her hair tonight, I remembered how excited I was on Christmas Eve though I had a much harder time falling asleep.  This will be the first year that she will have her brother in the room to hang out on Christmas morning.

Tonight I set up our table which was a last minute compilation of a non-creative person but I think it's going to look really nice.  I didn't finish it in case D. decided to pull the tablecloth in one fatal swoop.  I also filled 3 stockings, put the Santa presents out and wrote the Santa letter.  Oh and before I forget, I. lost ANOTHER tooth (she lost one 3 days ago) so not only am I Santa tonight, I'm the Tooth Fairy too!

No wonder I"m tired and ready for bed.  I hope for a good Christmas.  I know we'll have one tomorrow morning with our kids but I also hope for a smooth, relaxed one for the rest of the day including my parents.  Sometimes it's time to take the stress off the parents and shift it onto the kids.  Unfortunately in my case, it's the KID but I have hope for my brother.

Surprise Christmas Celebration

The second part of my conversation with my mom yesterday was finding out that my brother would not be around for Christmas which added to my parents' depression.  So I jumped into ad-lib mode and invited my parents over for Christmas Day.  This is huge, I've never had any major holiday at my home, whatever home I've had.  My mom didn't think that my dad would go for it but lo and behold, I talk to them this morning and they're all for it.  Waking up to no tree, no decorations or lights, and no kids until lunchtime is too much to handle and I understand that, thus the invitation for a different Christmas this year.

It's a different Christmas for us as well.  Until last year, Christmas morning was us opening gifts (excluding V.'s and mine) quickly so that V. could hit the road for the 3 hour round trip taking the girls back home.  Last year, the girls came down on Christmas Eve afternoon and drove themselves home Christmas morning. This year will be the first year that I. does not have her sisters here for Christmas morning, well excluding the year V. was in Saudi Arabia and no one was here for Christmas.  But this will be the first year that we get to stay at home all Christmas Day.  What a treat...except

For the fact that now I had to go into overdrive mode trying to provide a nice Christmas table.  This is not completely me putting the stress on me.  My father resisted a less stress Christmas dinner when I suggested it for my mother's sake citing childhood trauma and memories so I know I need to provide a sort of special ambiance for the dinner.  Luckily my mom and I discussed the itinerary of the Christmas dinner so I think we're in sync there and thank goodness for Amazon, I was able to put together a pretty Christmas table (I hope) most of which will arrive on Christmas Eve afternoon.

It's a mixture of emotions.  I'm happy for my little family because this is the first one that we celebrate just us Christmas morning.  It's not that I want to exclude the girls because that's not it.  It's having Daddy, Mommy, and 2 excited, young, Santa believing kids in the home that morning that is a first for us.  I'm also happy that V. doesn't have to drive 3 hours on Christmas morning and meet us at my parents' home separate from us.  It's looking forward to having some time to explore and play with the toys that we give them instead of having to get ready and head over to my parents' house in the morning.

Yet I feel a responsibility to make this Christmas a happy one for my parents.  As a parent and adult I can understand it's a tough one.  They had to make cutbacks (at least I hope they did) on the presents due to their financial situation.  And two out of three of their kids are not here for Christmas.  It leaves pressure on the remaining kid to make it a good one.  I thank God for my kids, their grandkids, because I think they are what will make this Christmas a joyous one for all of us.

And This Is How It Happens

The country is wondering how in the world someone could be living with a kid who is obviously mentally ill and out of control and not get help for them?  Here's how.

I called my mom for our weekly phone call and she sounded depressed which is not like my mom.  I won't go into all the details of that except for the one which pertains to this subject.  My sister, who is a narcissistic jerk when she's on her meds, decided three months ago that she would stop her meds and weekly appointments to her psychiatrist and psychologist as well as Narconon meetings resulting in my mom getting a phone call this week that my sister was getting kicked out of the house she was renting a room from by this weekend.  Let me clarify...she's not renting it, my unemployed with unemployment-benefits-being-terminated-this-month parents are paying for as well as her weekly groceries.  She was getting kicked out because she was acting crazy, the woman was afraid of her and if that wasn't enough, these people left for the weekend and while they were gone, my fucking loon of a sister threw their belongings into a dumpster.

My mother calls my sister's psychiatrist that SHE pays for and asks him what she can do.  He can't speak to her because my sister's an adult, actually tells her "good luck", and hangs up on my mother.

This is why we have theater killings and school shootings.  Something needs to be done to get over 18's mental help.  Why can't the sane people prevail?

Catching Up & Project Management

Yes I know it's been almost 2 weeks since my last post.  It's been busy, project kind of busy.  I had to get the annual photo albums done for the grandparents in time for the 50% off sale.  I couldn't miss that sale and sleep well, well as well as I even typically sleep at night.  I planned on getting these photo books done ahead of time and but being sick for 2 weeks took care of that.  This led to finishing the book up at 11:45 pm, a whole 15 minutes ahead of the midnight sale deadline.

As soon as I was done with the photo book, it was onto project number 2 - online Christmas shopping.  That took about 4-5 nights.  Purchasing a gift is easy online, it's the finding the right gifts for people that takes so long.

Next nighttime project was going through I.'s clothes for a big donation by the end of the year.  Since I've saved all her clothes for the past 7 years and my parents were well financed at that time and big shoppers ta boo, there were a lot of clothes to go through and decide what to keep and what to give away.  At times it was painfully sentimental and I would find myself crying as I remembered I. wearing certain items and what she and I had been doing at the time.  Sometimes I feel like we are far from that place and it makes me sad.  But I'm working on that and I'm helping I. work on it too and the last couple of days, it has been better so there is hope.

My current nighttime project is Christmas present wrapping which surprisingly takes awhile and usually involves back pain and my last project that I hope to take care of before New Year's is baby equipment donation to help clear out the garage even further.

This is the most boring post I've ever read but I have to admit, it helped to mentally clear things out of my head and helps me to acknowledge that I've gotten quite a bit done the last couple of months, all of it after my 2 full-time jobs aka the kids have gone to bed and V.'s been on travel.  I think I'll give myself a pat on the back.

Snuggle Day

I'm not sure what was going on today but D. was on high stranger alert today and additionally wanted snuggle time.  I have to say that there were no complaints from me.  Any day that includes extra loving, snuggle, and feeling safe time is a great day for me.

Having my baby boy run to me with his outstretched arms and then rest his head against my chest to snuggle when I picked him up was wonderful.  I'm teaching him how to hug, one step up from "giving love" which is more of a head butt, and now he's learning how to blow kisses, mostly to I. when she's walking into class but sometimes when we're driving in the car too.  He's really an affectionate child and I love it.

While we were snuggling, I told D. that Dada would be home later to rub a dub dub with D. and D. could kick kick kick with Dada.  The kids haven't seen V. since Sunday.  After I said this, D. quietly said, "Dada, yeah."  It was so sweet and made my heart melt.  The rest of his waking hours, he was shrieking or saying "Dada" and when V. arrived, D. was so excited, kicking and shrieking like crazy.  I know it made V. feel happy.

Sick But Smart

D. is sick again with a nasty cold.  I had a feeling he was coming down with something yesterday because whenever he is getting sick, the bedtime routine is BAD.  Torturously bad meaning that while I'm trying to wash I.'s hair or comb it out or braid it, D. is being as naughty as he can be.  I call it the Pinball Gremlin routine because he literally goes from one thing he knows he's not supposed to do, to the next thing to the next thing and then repeats over and over again as I get more frustrated and sweaty.  Yesterday he went from opening drawers all the way to unrolling the toliet paper to opening up the toilet to pulling on the toliet flusher to messing with his sister's jewelry case, this last one on his tippy tippy toes.  Let me say this first, I have childproofed the cabinets in the bathroom but not the drawers because there isn't anything unsafe in the drawers; it's just that he keeps pulling them all the way out that I have a problem with.  Yes, I did get a toliet lock but it doesn't work with our toliet lid; it actually prevent the lid from closing so not too helpful there.  My solution last night to his antics was to park I. on top of the toliet so he couldn't open the lid and put her in charge of thwarting toliet flushing and jewelry case antics.  I, while combing through her hair which is for some reason snarling like crazy these days, would systematically balance on one leg while blocking drawers with my other leg and took the toliet paper off the roll to stop that annoyance.

Yet somehow he just continued getting into trouble, slipping on the rug leading to banging his head into the wall which erupted into howls at the top of his lungs.  Meanwhile, I. was lamenting loudly about all the negative aspects of having a little brother.  It almost got to be too much and all I wanted was to throw them both in their beds and collapse on the couch downstairs.  We made it through, albeit not as gracefully as I would have like and definitely a lot more sweatier.  So when he woke up crying last night and I could hear the congestion, I wasn't surprised.

On the smart side of things, D. continues to surprise me with things he understands.   I mean, he's only 15, almost 16 months old.  But all of a sudden he's doing sign language back to me - cat, dog, bird, airplane, more, please, frog.  Also, he likes to go outside on the patio to play and was gesturing to me that he wanted to go out there.  I was cleaning up the kitchen and I told him we would as soon as I went to the bathroom.  Well do you know that little guy immediately left the kitchen and went and opened the bathroom door for me and waited?  Lastly, I don't talk on the phone hardly at all when the kids are around because to be honest, it's usually just not worth the aggravation that typically ensues.  On Wednesdays, I talk to my mom while he's down for a nap and sometimes we're not done when it's time to get him up so he has seen my earpiece maybe once a week.  Yesterday he was rummaging through the diaper bag pockets, another one of his favorite activities, and discovered my earpiece.  He ran over to me with it in his hand and then stuck it in his ear.  This kid was alert and observant from the moment he came out so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Gotta run and get D. up and I. from school.  Also need to keep hydrating since I foresee a good possibility that it's going to be another sweaty bedtime hour.

Thanksgiving Weekend

We had fun during Thanksgiving vacation.  We went to the Zoo but didn't see much and then headed to the Wild Animal Park the next day and enjoyed seeing various animals and a soft serve cone.  It was D.'s first time walking in the petting zoo and he went and gave each goat a head butt (kiss D. style) just as his sister did 6 years ago.  Head butts must be in our genetic double helix.

Thanksgiving Day went well - in the morning, I. and I baked pumpkin bread to take to Bubbi and Bobbi's house for breakfast while she was there for the long weekend and then made a side dish for Thanksgiving dinner.  Unfortunately V. was not feeling well at all and his back was killing him.  B. had to work so the girls couldn't make it down for the day, a first since V. and I have been together.  I made D. a full scale Thanksgiving plate with turkey, stuffing, green beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries and pumpkin pie and he ate all of it.  Unbelievable!

I. stayed at Bubbi and Bobbi's house for the weekend, enjoying both a Legoland and Zoo visit while D. enjoyed his only child status for the weekend.  V. and I. took him to a park one day, out for linner another day and enjoyed a date night as well.  I swear if D. had been our first we would have had a second kid soon thereafter - he's that easy.

UNTIL...this morning I dropped the pre-morning 8:45am feeding.  I've been dropping a feeding about once a month since he turned a year.  Actually not because I really want to which makes it worse.  But because I've read that weaning after 18 months is not good developmentally and because V. may score on a week long trip to Puerto Rico (really, it had to be Puerto Rico?) in February if he makes all of his annual financial goals which is a big deal.  So I've been feeling a little under the gun.  This morning I cut out (I hate the term "cut out") D.'s morning nap nursing (8:40am) figuring that he had just had a good size morning nursing at 6:45am, so maybe it wouldn't be a big deal.  Well, it was for both of us.  We took I. to school and instead of coming home and nestling in the chair for a nursing and then nap, I read 2 books to him, swaddled him, sang to him and then put him down to sleep.  He looked up at me with this shocked look but remained silent until after I left the room and he realized I was gone.  Then he cried. By then I was already crying because things felt so incomplete, so not right.  Thankfully he cried for a little while and then went to sleep.

However, after we went grocery shopping this morning and I fed him lunch, he melted down, crying inconsolably and getting so angry at the sippy cup that I had to hide it away.  I gave up on eating lunch and we just did things that put him physically against me, snuggling and playing.  When it was time for afternoon nap, he was wiped out and when I nursed him, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell asleep.  For him, I think it's more of a sucking thing than an emotional thing.  I truly hope that tomorrow will go a little better.

I's School Birthday Party

I. enjoyed her class birthday party at the YMCA. 

Festive birthday cake:

Daddy lighting the candles because D. was melting down due to no rest/nap the day before and Mommy was having to baby carry him while he took a mini 30 minute nap.  Normally not a big deal but Momma was suffering with sickness.

Most importantly is that I. had a really fun time.  No birthday meltdowns just pure happiness.

Afterwards, Uncle A. and his girlfriend A. came over for birthday gifts and fun since they couldn't make it to the family party.  Opening gifts and playing with them was a perfect end to the birthday weekend!

I.'s Family Birthday Party Memories

Pictures from I.'s family birthday party.  It was just my parents and D, V, and I but it was a good time nonetheless and pretty relaxed.  Good thing since I was sick and in agony with a strep throat kind of sore throat.

Momma and the birthday girl

Peek a boo!

Bubbi, I. and Bobbi

Momma's homemade cake

Ready to blow out 7 candles!

Maturing

I won't do the details and pictures on I.'s birthday party today because I am sicker than a dog today and there is still tomorrow's party to have.  But I did want to do a short blog because I realized something today.  Even though I was feeling so sick, I still felt joy while decorating this morning with I.  I was tired but I was still taking pleasure in climbing up chairs and counters hanging decorations and streamers as she was envisioning.  When she was opening her presents, I still felt such happiness watching her excitement.  And even tonight after the kids are in bed and I'm feeling like crap, I feel content.

So I realized that I have matured, not just as an adult which I did awhile ago, but as a parent.  First comes infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and then parenthood.  Parenthood maturity means that no matter what... I can be tired, sick, or worse but if I see my children truly happy and excited, I get caught up in that joy and leave whatever physical ailment behind.  That progress makes me happy.

I. Turns Seven

This day seven years ago, I became a mommy more specifically I.'s mommy.  What a special title to be blessed with...one that I always figured would happen but as the years ticked by, I wondered if it would ever would come about.

But thankfully it did and since that first time I held her, I have loved my baby girl.

During the middle of the night feedings with her, I would pray for all the things I wished for her and her life.  I may no longer have those nighttime feedings with her but I still pray for many of the same things for her along with some more specific things that she's working on.  She is a great kid and as we found out today at parent/teacher conferences, she is known for being kind to everyone at school and is well liked.

I'm having a hard time writing tonight because I am really feeling sick and I have been since Tuesday.  Every morning I wake up hoping that I will feel better only to make it to 9am and realize that I need to lie down while D. is napping if there is to be any hope of making it through until his afternoon nap.  There has been so much to do in preparation for I.'s birthday:  making cupcakes to take to I.'s class today, birthday cake and lunch baking for her party tomorrow and taking care of last minute details for her class party on Sunday.  All this with a brutal sore throat, exhaustion, earache, sneezing and dry cough.  Plus my oven isn't working properly causing baking disasters and extra cooking and aggravation the last 2 days and then of course the bracket holding the entire garage door assembly shirred off late this afternoon, leading to a hectic and exhausting bedtime session of me juggling the kids and calling for service (can't have an open garage door all weekend) while V. was seeing if he could fix it.  I've really got to go to bed early tonight and pray that I feel better, even just a little bit, so that I can enjoy I.'s family party tomorrow as much as possible.

Trick or Treating

When your kids are asleep by 5:45pm, you don't have the traditional trick or treating experience.  Someday we will but that someday is not now.

Our major community shopping center hosts a trick or treating experience the Saturday before Halloween.  We've been going to it since I. was a toddler.  This was the first year we attended with 2 kids and it was really pretty cool.  I. was Little Bo Peep for the 4th or 5th year running and D. was her lost little lamb.  This will be the last year for I. to be Little Bo Peep as the costume will not fit next year so it was wonderful for her to be able to fit it in it one more year and have D. tied into her costume.  It was so cute and really fun to have 2 kids to be part of the same costume.

We wrapped up the afternoon with an early dinner at Pick Up Stix.  By 5:45, the kids were in bed and by 6:00, they were both asleep.

It was one of those days that I feel so fortunate to experience.  How I have been so blessed to have a girl and a boy, I'll never understand it but will remain extremely thankful for each day.

Beautiful Moments

I talked my parents into meeting D. and I at the beach so that they could see his excitement and I could also get some video and pictures of him in action.  When it's just he and I, I can't capture any memories since he's always running to the waves.  V. is too tired on the weekends and it's too crowded for us to really relax and enjoy ourselves when we're surrounded by crowds of people.  Plus my parents really enjoy the beach and having never seen D. at the beach, it was a treat they especially enjoyed.

LOVE!

Special Moments

I forgot to blog about this last weekend but want to do it now for posterity's sake.  Woke up and groggily nursed D. in the morning light, listening to the light but steady rain falling while watching the trees in the window blowing with the wind.

Ten or so hours later, nursing D. before he went to bed, in the twilight, again listening to a steady, light rain thinking how perfect a day could begin and end.

Mother/Daughter Bonding

Did you know that math homework can make the mother/daughter bond grow by leaps and bounds?  Strange as it may seem, it appears to be true in our home which considering that our home is a place of all sorts of strangeness I shouldn't be surprised.

The most recent occurrence of this was yesterday when I. arrived home with some math homework, a little tricky than normal.  She tried her best but asked me to help her understand it.  After looking at it, I showed her a way to study the chart first and organize in such a way that when it came time to answer the questions, all she had to do was some simple calculations instead of having to redo the math for each row every single time.  It obviously made sense to her because her brow immediately became unfurrowed and as she was able to easily answer the questions that were once hard to her, she became excited.  It all culminated with her giving me a big hug and telling me that I was the best mommy, that she loved me so much, and that she loved doing math homework together.   It's happened before where I will show her some trick to help simplify her math homework, telling her that she needs to remember the trick so that she can use it on her test where I will not be there to help her.  She's come home after the test and tells me, "I used your trick!" and proudly shows me the 100% on her test.

I'm a big proponent of kids doing their own homework so usually my help is along the lines of simply organizing information so that in order to answer the questions, she's basically just analyzing what she's already done.  She's still doing the math but just not having to do the same calculation over and over to answer the questions.  What I am thankful for is that her mind appears, at least in a mathematical sense, to work much like mine which is what is allowing our brain connection over math homework.  I know from my own school days that in math, if the teacher has a way of explaining it that you don't understand, you're not going to get it and vice versa, if you find a math teacher that you can understand practically the first time around, you should try to take as many math courses as possible from that person.  I remember taking a statistics course in college.  I would do the reading and the homework and understand the material until I went to class and listened to the teacher.  Her explanation of the lesson would have me so confused by the end of class that I just stopped going to class.  I read the book, did the homework, showed up for the tests, and got an A.

Who knew that I would be thankful for math homework?!

It's Not What You're Doing But Who You're Doing It With

Mondays typically mean grocery shopping for D. and I.  Not what I would have considered a fun outing in the past yet with D., it's a great time.  A time for us to hang out face to face, looking at things, smiling at people (mostly D.), and being silly.

Today was no exception and the best part was that we got home a little earlier than we usually do so after getting all the groceries put away and our lunches eaten, there was still some time to sit down and play with him before afternoon nap.  Not that he wasn't enjoying himself walking around with his water cup in hand, taking a little of this and that out and hanging out on the bottom stairs.  I sat down on the floor and started to build up the soft blocks for him to knock down happily and then we played balls for awhile.  It didn't take long before he was throwing himself into my arms and giving me love.  That's what I love about D. - when I do play with him, he is very effusive with his affection towards me.  It's like an immediate payoff which is really nice to receive.

Children often seem like an investment especially as they get older, you keep putting in the attention and effort which may or may not yield a direct payoff but you're always hoping that at the end of the investing period, you'll have something to show for it.

So for now in these sweet, early-ish days of D.'s childhood, I will relish these immediate payoffs and try to sock the memory away for the inevitable future days when I will wonder when the payoff will arrive.

Such Great Times But Then...

I feel like I've been recapturing summer vacation with D. these last couple of weeks.  Last Thursday we went to the zoo and then Friday we headed to the beach.  It was a great though exhausting time as this was our first foray to the beach with D. as a bonafide walker.  It went something like this:  D. running straight for the water, Me grabbing him before a wave knocked him over, Me carrying D. back up towards the sand, putting D. down.  D. making a U turn, running straight towards the horizon as fast as he could, Me grabbing D....well you get the idea.  Not what I would call relaxing but I didn't expect it to be.   There were moments of us playing in the sand and eating our lunch but aside from that it was all about running, monitoring the waves and grabbing D. before he got clobbered.  The squeals of joy and smiles on his face were proof enough of a good day.  Unfortunately with just myself on duty, I was not able to capture these images without risking D. getting more than a mouthful of ocean water.

Today it was still warm in our neck of the woods so I packed our car and we headed out to the coast, Mission Bay to be specific.  Perfect weather there - warm sun, cool breeze that gave D. goosebumps after awhile.  It was our maiden voyage of D. riding on my bike which takes some getting used to balance-wise; I mean 25 lbs. on the back of your bike takes some getting used to.  I got this bike seat when I. was older than D. and I didn't get to use it all that much.  I'm not sure exactly why though probably a combination of it was a little inconvenient to get the bike in the car, I. not completely happy being confined to the seat, and me being a little nervous about having my child on the back of a 2 wheeled bike.  Every time I saw that infant bike seat, I felt regret so when D. was born, I was determined to use it more this time around.

We had a great time.  D. loved riding around on the bike - his temperament is more laid back so he was pretty happy back there looking around and started singing after awhile.  When he did get bored, he started lifting my shirt up in back to let me know we were on borrowed time.  I packed a picnic lunch which we enjoyed, he chased some ducks and seagulls, made friends with some other 14 month olds and we called it a day...or rather time for a nap.

As I drove home, I was happy.  I was listening to music and to D. happily devouring "Goodnight Moon" in the backseat when I had a flash of an emotional memory.  Emotional memory being when your body is flooded with feel-good feelings where you remember exactly how you felt, where you were, what was happening.  I was at Ruth Chris' (Del Mar) bar sitting with Mark after work.  It had probably been a long battle filled day but I had found my refuge on a barstool next to Mark and we were talking and laughing and sometimes quietly sitting and digesting the day.  The thing about Mark is that I could just be and because he was my friend, not my boyfriend, my fiance, or spouse, he didn't feel the pressure to solve my problems.  He listened, offered his thoughts, and made me laugh.  When all else failed, he distracted me with a story.  The emotional memory was of warmth and soothing, like I was safe and had come home and above all, that I was not alone and content in the moment despite what was going on in the outside world.

My life is good and I am happy.  My marriage is very good and healthy.  My children are happy, thriving and healthy and I am able to enjoy them.  But when that emotional memory hit as I was driving home today, there  was a painful twinge and aching sadness.  I miss Mark and the relationship that we may have had laughing about our mutual sons.  I may have horrified him with my descriptions of D.'s testosterone surges as I call them just as I horrified him back in the day with what I labelled "got them by the ball sacks".  He didn't get to see me navigate with a son and I know we would have had fun conversing about it for many decades to come.

But concentrating on what is and trying to leave behind and just remember what might have been, I push on.

One of Those Great Days

D. and I headed to the zoo today when he got up from nap.  Even though we were only able to stay for a short time (1.5 hours) before afternoon nap, we had the best time.  I would have never imagined having so much fun in so short a time.  It wasn't that we did SO much, it was what we did that made it special.  Today we saw bears, giraffes, elephants, zebras, monkeys and a few other animals that he had never seen before.  Then I fed him some lunch, put his socks on and let him walk around.  He still refuses to walk in shoes, thus the socks to provide some protection to his tootsies.

What made it special was sharing that moment of him seeing animals he's never seen before.  And then while we were looking at the elephants, he tipped his head over into mine (his version of a kiss) and then turned his face towards mine so that we were lip to lip.  I was kissing him and he was babbling quietly in this happy way and then he put his hands gently on my face and we just stayed like this for a little while.  Another instance of the more time he and I get to spend one on one, the more affectionate he is with me.  Such a wonderful benefit!

It's a moment I won't forget but just in case it begins to dim, I have it captured here to help me remember.  Such a moment in time!

Attracting Attention

First, I should follow up on my last post and say that I. did indeed have a fine day after all.  On the way home, I asked her what she learned from this morning that would help her avoid another morning like today's.  She took a long time to answer and as I was beginning to lose hope, she said, "To start cleaning up earlier and to not get so many things out in the morning."  I was thrilled but didn't want to erupt in verbal celebration so I gave her the thumbs up and said, "Sounds good!"  Fingers crossed on this front.

D. and I went to the grocery store to gear up for my in law's visit.  It was a lot of grocery shopping, preparing for lunches and dinners including a dinner with my parents.  Lots of cooking is going to be happening. Anyways, D. and I were there for over an hour and during that time, we were stopped and talked to no less than 10 times thanks to D.'s winning smile and big blue eyes (I saw this because this is what people would say).  He grinned and played shy, hiding against me and then peering around me at the person.  We just had the best of times weaving our way up and down the aisles, D. shrieking here and there and babbling with me babbling in reply.  Half the time, he enjoyed holding a bag with a special roll for I.; the other half occupied him trying to tear a plastic bag in half.  He is just such a pure joy.

I love making him laugh and seem to have the knack for it.  He may not say Mama yet, but he thinks I'm funny and to me, that's better.  When I change a poopie diaper, I sing, "Poopies poopies everywhere, poopies poopies in your hair!" with a lot of emphasis and faces included.  He laughs until he gets the hiccups.  In the bath, I hold the washcloth up and then pretend I "sneeze" the washcloth onto his head.  Another winning Momma move.  I could go on.  And I know I'm getting closer to hearing that super special word "momma" because when I say Momma, he'll pat me or lay his head against my chest and my heart just melts.

Post Boom

Friday night was a tough night for me.  The boom had been lowered in the afternoon and I expected little to no reaction from her.  Or if there was some reaction, I was hoping for her to be sad and perhaps a little bit of pleading that she wouldn't do it again or something along those lines.  Instead she walked over to the closet, opened up the doors to see empty bookshelves, told me I was rude (no big deal) and then said, "Oh here's a book that you forgot." in this snotty sing songy tone of voice.  Gotta love it.

That night I just had this sinking feeling that I'm losing her, already at age 6.  I talked to V. about it, my fears, frustrations, and had a good sob.  These constant problems are taking a toll on our relationship, at least on my side.  She's so Jekyll and Hyde that one minute she can be flipping out and fifteen minutes later, she's hugging on me.  For me, it's hard to let it go especially after 3 months of what feels like daily problems over the same stupid things.  By the end of the day, I just want her in bed NOW because I'm done, I've used all my patience for the day and if I don't get her in bed NOW, I'm risking losing my temper. Of course, when V. is here and I'm not juggling trying to keep D. out of trouble as I'm trying to get I.'s hair washed and books read to her, it's not a big deal and I don't feel that same sense of urgency, that I'm about to lose it.  This is why there is no way I could ever handle another child.

The weekend brought better behavior from I. and I thought she seemed more relaxed, affectionate, and happy.  Go figure!  This morning was the worst school morning we've had in over a year.  As usual, in her room she had gotten out 5 different games with millions of pieces along with a bunch of other stuff and then waited to start putting it away.  She kept coming downstairs to get a plastic bag for this and that and while I can admire the effort, I would tell her how much time was left until we left.  I guess she didn't really listen (big surprise there) because it came to the time when we needed to leave and not only was she not done, she wasn't fully dressed and hadn't eaten breakfast.  I didn't get mad about it since she's the one who was going to receive consequences from it (tardy slip).  Of course, she came downstairs and started blaming me for her lateness (I should have told her to clean up, I shouldn't have made her clean up etc.).  I handed her breakfast to eat in the car and got in the car to wait for her because she had forgotten her socks.  By the time we got to school everyone was already in the classrooms so we had to get a tardy slip for the first time for her to take to her teacher.  She asked what it was and I explained what it was and that it counted against the behavior grade.  We get to the closed door of her classroom and she starts saying she doesn't want to go to school, she's not going into her class until I finally had to open the door up, get her teacher's attention, have her come out and get I.  As long as I was there, I. was not going to get better so I left.

Now it's time to go get here and I'm hoping that her day got progressively better and that perhaps she will have learned her lesson not to take out a bazillion toys at once in her room.  We'll see.

The Boom Will Be Lowered

More problems with I.  I'm so tired of them.  Clutter and mess in her room continues to be an issue even though she knows that she is to clean up her room before coming down to breakfast.  With feeding D. breakfast and trying to gulp down some myself, I haven't been going back upstairs to do "quality control" and as a result, many mornings there is still stuff strewn all over the ground in the bedroom and bathroom and then at bedtime, while I'm trying to keep D. from getting into trouble while I'm washing I.'s hair or getting her in bed, the mess just pisses me off because I'm stepping on it, tripping on things etc.  It makes me angry towards I. almost every bedtime which is not how I want to end the day with her.  Going to have to make some changes there.

But that's not even the bad part.  The bad part is that even though she lost the privilege of reading books for 30 minutes at bedtime for a month after 3 offenses of sneaking books til it was late (resulting in daily late afternoon tantrums because she's tired), I've caught her twice in the last week. I usually have everything I need to get D. ready for bed in my room but a couple of times I've walked back into their room to get something and there she is hiding a book under her pillow.  Today was the last straw because I know that if I'm 2 for 2 catching her, chances are she's doing it every night.  Both V. and I have talked with her about disobeying, why the rule is in place, and how she is becoming untrustworthy by her actions and she needs to start doing the right thing in order for us to be able to trust her again.  After tonight, I see that she's just not getting it and probably thinks she's getting away with it which to be honest pisses me off.

I've read this before in John Rosemond's book "The New Six-Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children" and agree thoroughly with it.

"The old-fashioned parent was unconcerned with the issue of fairness, the perception that there should be equity between the misbehavior and its consequence when it came to discipline.  Rather, he or she was intent upon nipping misbehavior in the bud, which was generally accomplished through a lowering of the proverbial boom.  The old-fashioned parent realized that the size of a given misbehavior should not dictate the size of the punishment.  After all, any misbehavior, no matter how small, can become a major problem if allowed to flourish; ergo, the boom."

So tomorrow I'm lowering the boom.  I'm removing every single book in her room and that's no small task - she probably has over 300 books.  Instead of doing something fun with D. in the morning, I will have to go to Big Lots and buy some storage containers to hold the books and then pack them away.  The library books will go back and those privileges will be revoked.  For how long?  Until V. and I think she's proving to be trustworthy again.  It will be interesting to see her reaction to such a huge consequence.  Here's my prediction, she'll put a poker face on even though she'll be shocked.  I just pray that it ultimately works.

I wonder if the old-fashioned parent felt sad when they had to lower the boom or not.  Because I do, not because I don't want to be the bad guy but because it's had to come to this.  But like the above quote said, this is an issue that will become a much larger issue as she gets older and with much more serious implications.  That is what worries me greatly.

On the flip side at school she is thriving, obeying, and going the extra mile to be the perfect student with exemplary character.  Part of it I think is her competitiveness that makes her want to be the best in the class. Regardless, many days it makes me wish I could switch places with her teacher and get to see her in that light for a little bit to tide me over through these rotten times.

Sweet Moment

This morning D. and I were driving to swim class and I had music on that I was bopping my head to the beat.  I looked up in the rear view mirror and there was D. nodding his head up and down just like me.  It's the sweet moments like these that make this time of my life so precious and help with those other moments when "precious" isn't quite the word I'd use.

First Day of First Grade

I'm happy and relieved to say that I. had a great first day.  This morning she was still lamenting not getting to play with D. but when I picked her up, she ran over with a big smile and kisses for both of us, D. first of course.  She loved her day and today was pretty much learning rules and figuring out where the kids' learning levels were at.  I think she's going to rock it this year.  Her teacher and I have already talked twice about her advanced levels in math and reading so I feel good that we are on the same page - she doesn't need extra homework or more homework, she just needs challenging homework.  This is one of the big reasons why we are sending I. to private school and making the investment.  If she was in public school, there would be around 33 kids in her first grade class, hers has 18.  She was in such a good mood and couldn't wait for tomorrow to head back to school.

D. and I went to music class and then out to lunch with our music class friends which was fun.  By the time we got home, it was time for nap time and then I had to wake D. up from nap to go get I. from school.  A surprisingly fast day though I did get a lot done, some laundry, making I.'s and D.'s breakfasts plus I.'s lunch, and fitting in 30 minutes of hard exercise.  My goal this fall is to fit in 3-30 minute home sessions of exercise during the week to supplement my weekend workouts.  This week will be one trying to find balance between  fun/leisure and getting things done both when I. is in school and when she is out of school.

The Next 12 School Years

Tomorrow morning begins the what school years will be like for the next 12 years.  I. will be starting first grade and with that, a full-day school day.  I have to admit, I'm really concerned for her because her energy levels flag so noticeably during the day when she's at home that I wonder how she's going to hold it together. Then I remember that the only time she doesn't hold it together is when she's at home and I feel a little more hopeful.

It's going to be so weird having I. gone for so much of the day.  I guess if she went to bed at a more "normal" time, let's say 7:30, it wouldn't be such a shock.  But getting out of school at 3:15 and being in bed by 5:15 is  a major time crunch.  I'm still waiting for when she can go to bed a little later and realize that I'm probably one of the few mothers waiting for this but to be honest, when she goes to bed at 6-something and gets up at 4-something, she's a different kid.  Last night, she was exhausted and was asleep by 5:40 and since she went to sleep early, she got up later (yes, I know that sounds opposite but that's how it works here) at 5:25 and today she was pleasant, funny, cheerful, and imaginative.  My baby girl was alive and well.  I'm going to miss her but I'd be lying if I didn't say that part of me is relieved after this summer.  Although I keep to a routine with some things, I think that I. kind of floundered after a week or two without the schedules of school days which contributed to some of the problems.  I guess we'll see if the structure of school helps in these coming days.

Today I decided we'd do something different as a family and go bowling in between D.'s naptimes and we had a good time.

After D.'s nap, which he didn't take due to the fact that he was being held at the bowling alley and therefore got no physical activity, we had chips, salsa, and guacamole for a treat while we bbq'd our early dinner and ate together.  It was nice and we had some laughs and just enjoyed each other's company for a change.  After we got the kids to bed and I got I.'s lunch and D.'s and I.'s breakfasts prepared, V. and I. enjoyed a couple of rounds of cards outside on the patio.  It made the 3 day weekend feel like a vacation.

But now, it's back to the grind.  The school grind that is.  An early alarm, a little more rush-rush than the summer mornings but then it'll be stretches of time - time to exercise and get projects done while D. naps and time for D. and I to have fun together one on one and give him that time that I. had with me.  This is one of the major benefits of having kids farther apart and I expect to enjoy it very much.

Beach Day

Last day of summer vacation, went to meet I.'s first grade teacher at school by 8:30, put dinner in the crock pot when we got home, and as soon as D. got up from nap we headed to the beach.  It was a perfect beach day.  Not humid, cool breeze, and warm sun.  The water was cool but once you got used to it, it was just nice.  Last time we went to the beach it was humid so even though we were at the beach, we were sweating but not today.  It was great.  The first hour, D. was crawling full tilt straight towards the ocean so it was a little stressful for me, trying to grab him before waves smashed into him, walk him back up the sand, put him down only to have him go right back to the water.  After he ate and played in the sand, he was a little more tame when it came to the water so I was able to take a few deep breaths, feel the breeze on my face and appreciate the turquoise color of the water.  Made me think briefly about walking on Laguna Beach a couple of years ago on my birthday with V. with D. in my belly (though at that time I didn't know if it was a boy or girl).  I snapped back quickly from the reminiscing.  For one, to make sure D. was safe and two, because although these days may be physically and emotionally tasking, they are times to remember, times that will not come again, and times so sweet (but no time to take pictures).

Watching I. frolic in the waves without a care in the world, happy, and not one bit self-conscious as she pulled faces, crossed eyes, and fell awkwardly made me extremely happy.  This is her time to do this, to feel this and I hope she will be able to feel this way as long as possible.  One of my goals is to make sure she is not self conscious about her body by keeping silent on any body issues I have and not bring the subject up.  I try to focus on healthy balance and eating and how the body uses each element (protein vs. carbohydrate).  My mom still talks a lot about eating less, how much she weighs, and how small a pant size she is fitting in.  It causes me to be more self critical and I never want I. to be affected by my struggles.  Each of us have enough struggles, especially physical appearance for girls, and no one needs to be dealing with their own plus their mother's.  I packed a special box of animal crackers for I. and I for our beach day and she was so excited. It was a great last summer vacation day.

So that was the good of the day.  The rough part of the day was a carry-over from last night.  I'm not giving details but all I can say is that I. is a direct knock off of V. when it comes to poking the lion through the cage and then objecting when the lion roars.  Also in the apology realm and who is more hard hearted, I"m not sure who is worst.  I'll know in the next 3 days.

Tonight I'm Broken

First of all I feel like this summer my blog has turned into a gripe session and I"m feel bad about that.  But then again, this is my blog and the documentation of what I'm going through in this season of my life.  It's been a wonderful season but also a really difficult one.  This was my first summer with having 2 kids and it was I.'s first summer of having to share me.  There just seemed to be a different vibe going on this summer, typically characterized by I. and I being at odds.  And it's not just that, it seems like I. since getting out of school has changed from a cheerful, self-motivated individual to a more long-faced, negative, disobedient kid demanding on me for her entertainment and motivation.  As soon as I enter her room or come downstairs in the morning on weekends or see her when she comes home from the gym with V., the first thing I see is some sort of long face and hear a gripe of some sort because things have not been "perfect" or up to her expectations.  I'm shocked because I don't feel like I raised her to be self-absorbed as though the world revolves around her and that everyone else in the world should cater to her.  But to be brutally honest, that is how she's been acting this summer.

This does not apply to D.  She loves him beyond belief and loves playing with him and looking after him.  It's almost as though, and I do remember this from when she was little, that she tends to love one person fiercely and the rest of the people in her life come a distant second.  Right now if I had to rate people, D. would come first, V. second, me third though she does not act like it and my mom fourth, my dad fifth.  I am thankful that she is so loving towards D.

The problem that leaves me broken tonight is a consistent problem with dishonesty.  Before it was reading books instead of going to sleep on three consecutive occurrences.  If she was a kid who would sleep later in the morning to compensate for going to sleep later at night that would be one thing but she's not and it results in her being extra tired the next day and being a nightmare for most of the day for all of us to deal with.  It's just not fair to the entire family.  Now the subject is cleaning up her room in the morning.  She gets a million things out every morning and then hates clean up time.  Yeah, I would too.  She knows that she is not to come downstairs until her room is clean yet she comes downstairs and her room is a friggin' pigsty.  I've had my hands full with D. lately in the morning and she's been taking advantage of that, knowing that I won't go up there until it's D.'s morning nap time.  Today I made her go back into her room two additional times letting her know exactly what needed to be cleaned up.  Then at bedtime, I opened her bathroom door and saw the floor covered with clothes, books, towels, etc. and when I went to close her closet door, it caught on something and I opened it up and there were a bunch of the things she was supposed to put away as well as her clean clothes she was to put away.  To say that I was ticked off is an understatement.  It just seems that she thinks it's okay to hide things and pretend that she did the right thing and deceive me until I discover it.  I have nothing more to say about this.

Like I needed anything more emotional this evening, I went from that drama to bathing D. and nursing him to go to bed.  He's still having a hard time breathing with his snotty nose so today during nursings as he attempted to get better suction, he would inadvertently nip me which was painful but I knew he didn't know he was doing it so I didn't say anything.  Tonight though he whole heartedly bit me and then pulled his head away which was extremely painful.  He did it twice so I tapped him on the cheek and said, "No bite" and he began crying.  I switched sides thinking that might help and immediately he did the same thing and then proceeded to do it 3 times in a row.  By this time he was crying and so was I because of course I was fearing that this will make him not want to nurse again and we'll be right back to where we were - 0 nursings and refusing to take liquids via cup or spoon.  I put him in the crib, he cried but less than a minute and I proceeded to head to the shower to cry for 15 minutes and feel upset and down for most of the night.  I will pray for a good nursing tomorrow morning to start things off.

It's been a tough summer and I think back to two summers ago (before I was pregnant with D.) when I was on the phone with my mom talking about how I was so sad about I. going to full day school because I was going to miss her so much and trying to figure out what I was going to do etc.   And internally I still feel the same way and am trying to create memories with I. before she's back in school.  But after all the struggles of this summer, part of me thinks, "Holy smokes, I'm going to be so much more relaxed and have so much more down time once she's in school!"  It's such a conflict because I feel guilty thinking this because she is my first and we had almost 6 happy years to ourselves and I love her and what's most difficult is that I know I really am going to miss my time with her and I'm really just going to miss HER.  However after this summer, I think I need to catch my breath, gain my parenting confidence back and not have to be at odds with her all the time which is how it's felt.

One last random thought that's been bouncing around my brain for a few weeks...it seems like when she was younger (i.e. 6 months ago) and we would play side by side together (coloring, puzzles, cooking, etc.) things were better.  We would talk and work on creating things together.  In the last 6 months she really enjoys more competitive games like Uno and other sorts of games that have her playing against other people. However she is really competitive and can be a bad loser unless she's quickly corrected.  She's fine playing against V. but she tends to not be a good sport when playing with my parents.  When she and I play these games, sometimes she acts up but most of the time she holds it together because I've refused to play the games with her if she is a bad sport.  However, I wonder if playing against each other even though we both enjoy the games is working against us in the other areas of our life.  The coinciding time is right and down deep, I think I"m on to something.

Thankfulness

This morning I got D. up and offered him a nursing opportunity to which he turned his head away and fussed so I quickly gathered him up and we headed downstairs to get some breakfast in him. The last couple of days I haven't gotten him up at 10:30pm for a feeding since he wasn't eating so he's pretty hungry by 7am.  He ate a big breakfast which included 4 oz of breast milk in his oatmeal to try to keep him hydrated and then I put him down to play which he normally is happy about.  Not this morning, he cried and cried and I had to hold him in my lap or on my hip until it was time to head up for his nap around 8:45.

We sat down in the rocking chair and I wasn't going to offer nursing to him since he had just refused 2 hours earlier and had had a filling breakfast.  Then he pointed at the nursing pillow which was lying on the ground.  He's in that pointing stage where he wants you to tell him what he is pointing at so I said, "That's our pillow for milk."  I leaned him back against me to get ready to read to him and he shocked me by taking his hand and putting it on my chest and tugging up on my shirt.  He has never done that before.  Well, I needed no additional encouragement and to my surprise, he began nursing.  The effect it had on him was immediate.  His eyes half closed and his hand began gently moving up and down my arm.  D. is a real boy-boy and while he does like to be hugged and held and give kisses, he often times follows up these nice things with a bite, or a pinch, or a hair pull - not very gentle at times.  But he was back in his secure, happy place and I could feel his whole body just relax, really relax for the first time in days.  It was a miracle.  How did I feel?  Nervous at first that he wouldn't have enough patience for the milk to let down but then I could see that he was just happy to be back in the crook of my arm and sucking so I relaxed and enjoyed and thanked God.

Out of all this, we did reduce feedings by one, the 10:30 feeding, which is a nice one for me to have eliminated especially with school starting next week and the alarm going off earlier.  I can get in bed and relax reading earlier to compensate for the earlier wake up time.  I'm not looking to breastfeed D. until he's 3 or until I feel ready to stop.  I'm just wanting to do it gradually so that neither of us is emotionally bereft like we both were these last 4 days.  Of course there are times when I dream of a Vegas trip or a weekend away but he's still really young and Vegas or Laguna Beach or wherever will still be there when I'm able to go.  Having D. at this age and experiencing our bond will not be.  I will blink my eyes and he'll be taller than me, with a deep voice and a hairy chest if he's anything like his father and I'll wonder where the time went.

So for now, we'll continue and make changes in our own time.  

Emotional Upheaval

D.'s last breastfeeding session was Thursday night at 10:30 and now it's Sunday night.  It's been rough for both he and I.  This is not weaning.  Weaning is a gradual process, one where hopefully both the child and the mother can gradually get used to stopping the nursing bond.  Going from 7 nursings a day to 0 nursings a day is not weaning.  Yes, I. did this exact same thing and it was horrible.  I was not prepared and it broke my heart but she moved on and never looked back which in some way made it a little easier to deal with.

D. is upset by it even though he is the one causing it.  Every morning he cries angrily for a long time when I come and get him.  He turns away from my breast but then screams at the top of his lungs, writhing, pinching, and clawing at me with this despondent sound that I've never heard from him but feel deep in my soul.  Because his cry out loud gives voice to exactly what my grieving soul feels.  He thrashes in my arms, fighting hard against me but I don't give up, I won't give up because I feel his pain, it's what I feel too.  And after I refuse to give up, holding him, protecting him from hurting himself, whispering to him, he finally relaxes against my chest but just continues sobbing quietly as I begin to sing to him.  It breaks my heart.  Beginning each day like this is beyond painful.  The rest of the day is better but he definitely wants to sit with me, be held by me more than usual and to be honest, that's fine with me because we could both use that right now.

I have begun new routines for nap times and bed time to help him adjust and they have seem to be working with him going down yesterday and today without fuss.  I've been offering nursing once at every usual time with him declining until tonight at bedtime.  Whenever I offer, he's been turning his head away and getting a little upset at my offering so tonight at bedtime I didn't offer and started going into our new routine.  He turned his head and looked at me like, "Where is it?" so I pulled up my shirt and offered it to him.  He leaned in and gave a couple of sucks and then let go and fussed so we moved back to our new reading routine.  Just in case, I will continue to pump until he gets over this cold but in my heart, I don't believe he's going to want to nurse again.

The additional hard part is that no one understands what I'm going through unless they've actually been through it.  Having a child subsist because of the milk your body naturally produces is amazing.  Then going from 7 nursings to 0 nursings is difficult.  Double pumping 5-6 times a day causes hormonal surges that make me feel tired and really emotional.  Just what I need at this point in time.  But I want to pump in case he does change his mind after he feels better.  Plus, I am mixing the milk with his food so he is still getting fluid and all its nutrients.  That's probably my biggest concern at this point - he refuses to drink any fluids via multiple types of cups, spoons etc. so any milk I can combine with foods is the only fluid he's getting and judging by his diapers, it's not enough.  The last thing we need is dehydration.

It's just a tough time around here and I"m hoping it gets better in some way soon.

Need To Catch A Break

Thanks to our visit to Chuck E. Cheese on Monday, D. came down with a cold starting on Wednesday night.  No big deal, I thought, since he's had plenty of colds throughout I.'s school year and they were always  mild and didn't affect his nursings or eating.

Not this time, he wouldn't nurse at all yesterday afternoon but did nurse at 10:30 last night so I felt hopeful for today.  This morning when I got him up and tried to nurse him, he took one suck and then became irate, pinching at me and clawing at my face.  Then he just cried inconsolably and it broke my heart.  The rest of the day he would just turn his face away at every nursing and cried himself to sleep at afternoon nap.  For bedtime, instead of nursing, I got 3 of his favorite books and we cuddled on my lap, reading and finishing up with me singing 2 songs to him.  It seemed to soothe him and give both of us some needed snuggle time and closeness because when I put him down in his crib, he was relaxed and fell asleep quickly.

My only concern is getting fluids in him especially considering that he won't drink out of a cup (or bottle for that matter).  I'll have to keep my eye on that and continue pumping and including the milk in his foods.  Unfortunately even though I have been pumping today, I have developed a painful blocked milk duct which will probably get worse overnight.  I will be praying that D. feels better tomorrow and soon will return to nursing.  I know that at 1 year old, weaning is a reality, one that I have always known was coming and for this reason, I've always tried to stop and take it all in, really drink in the experience as D. was drinking in my milk, and have been so thankful to have had this opportunity one more time.  Of course, it hasn't been easy.  From day one, I've had major nursing issues and they continue today.  But they say anything worthwhile is worth working at (or something like that) and it's so true.

That being said, am I okay with D. stopping nursing.  No, especially not with it being done so abruptly which is exactly what I. did.  It's not only physically painful, though more so this time, but it's also emotionally rough.  This time I'm better off emotionally at least so far because I think I've been preparing for it all along but it's still a huge change for us and sad for me and him too it seems.

Deep breaths, prayers, and hoping for wonderful things to come....

Not For Sissies

Tired.  That's what I am.  This morning was an uphill battle.  In addition to last night's disobedience, I. took it to a new level this morning.  Her room was a mess as it always is in the morning and as she was complaining about cleaning it up, I made a comment that I didn't want to hear any more grumbling about it to which she replied in a dismissive tone, "Oh calm down."  EXCUSE ME?  At that point, the television with Curious George on pause went off.  Strike three occurred when I went upstairs 30 minutes later to get D.'s crib ready for nap and found that although I. came downstairs acting like their room was cleaned up, it was not picked up at all.  That hit the dishonesty button from last night.

I took D. for nursing and nap and the consequence came to me clearly.  It was obvious when I came downstairs that I. knew she had seriously overstepped the boundaries because she was trying to make nice.  Unfortunately it was too late and Momma lowered the boom though with empathy.  She had to stay in a room all day and additionally write 100 times, "I will respect Mommy and my room."  I know it sounds harsh but honestly all summer it's been nothing but consequences here and there, seemingly constantly.  I.'s problem is that she has a hard head and a soft heart but this summer her head has had a direct link to her mouth and then her heart follows up much too late.  That has to change.

So at the end of the day after much moaning, crying, and screaming, here's what we were left with:

This was I.'s required apology, something that she really has a problem with.  Even so, she wrote it, brought it down, and said that she didn't want to have to say it.  Oh vey.  It felt sincere to me so I accepted it.  Just another thing to work on for the next 12 years.  Did I mention she's only 6?  Makes me tired just thinking of it.

Parenting a child with character is not for sissies.

Frustrated Momma

I'm a frustrated momma.  Tonight I. got back her privilege of reading a book at bedtime for a half an hour while I am giving D. a bath and bring him in for bed.  This is the second time she's lost the privilege, first time was for a week.  I told her if she did it again, it would be two weeks and then a month.  So it's been 2 weeks, tonight she gets her book reading back and what does she do?  I look in there an hour later (mind you, she had put the book down when I took D. in there for sleep) and there she is reading the book behind the headboard.  I'm so disappointed.  

I've talked with her about bad decisions and privileges and how I have to be able to trust her.  But it seems to be to no avail.  Because tomorrow we will be back to the consequences and bad momma.  It seems to be the theme of this summer.

Happy Moments

D.'s birthday was great. He enjoyed so much and all of his sisters were there which was a real treat. I made it through in one piece - the anticipation of it and remembering what was going on a year ago leading up to his birth day is worse than the actual day. Today I finally took down the decorations and felt the painful tug all over again. But then I thought about how happy he was at his party and how excited he is every day to play with his new toys.

On D.'s actual birthday we went to the beach and had a nice morning there.

Later that week, we had a birthday playdate with a friend of D.'s from music class. They played next to each other and it was fun to see them squeal at each other.

Yesterday I took I. out for the morning for some special time. We went bowling, then bought some school shoes for her, followed up with lunch at Souplantation which we both enjoy. It was a really fun time.

While we were eating, I. said, "This feels strange." What was odd was I was thinking something along the same line so I knew exactly what she meant.  I said, "It's strange because D. isn't with us." And she agreed that that was exactly what it was. It's amazing that something so new now feels like the new normal and when he isn't with us, it just doesn't feel right. She said she missed him and I asked if we should hurry up and finish eating so we could get back home to see him and she agreed. That makes this semi-new mother of two so happy.