Tonight I'm Broken

First of all I feel like this summer my blog has turned into a gripe session and I"m feel bad about that.  But then again, this is my blog and the documentation of what I'm going through in this season of my life.  It's been a wonderful season but also a really difficult one.  This was my first summer with having 2 kids and it was I.'s first summer of having to share me.  There just seemed to be a different vibe going on this summer, typically characterized by I. and I being at odds.  And it's not just that, it seems like I. since getting out of school has changed from a cheerful, self-motivated individual to a more long-faced, negative, disobedient kid demanding on me for her entertainment and motivation.  As soon as I enter her room or come downstairs in the morning on weekends or see her when she comes home from the gym with V., the first thing I see is some sort of long face and hear a gripe of some sort because things have not been "perfect" or up to her expectations.  I'm shocked because I don't feel like I raised her to be self-absorbed as though the world revolves around her and that everyone else in the world should cater to her.  But to be brutally honest, that is how she's been acting this summer.

This does not apply to D.  She loves him beyond belief and loves playing with him and looking after him.  It's almost as though, and I do remember this from when she was little, that she tends to love one person fiercely and the rest of the people in her life come a distant second.  Right now if I had to rate people, D. would come first, V. second, me third though she does not act like it and my mom fourth, my dad fifth.  I am thankful that she is so loving towards D.

The problem that leaves me broken tonight is a consistent problem with dishonesty.  Before it was reading books instead of going to sleep on three consecutive occurrences.  If she was a kid who would sleep later in the morning to compensate for going to sleep later at night that would be one thing but she's not and it results in her being extra tired the next day and being a nightmare for most of the day for all of us to deal with.  It's just not fair to the entire family.  Now the subject is cleaning up her room in the morning.  She gets a million things out every morning and then hates clean up time.  Yeah, I would too.  She knows that she is not to come downstairs until her room is clean yet she comes downstairs and her room is a friggin' pigsty.  I've had my hands full with D. lately in the morning and she's been taking advantage of that, knowing that I won't go up there until it's D.'s morning nap time.  Today I made her go back into her room two additional times letting her know exactly what needed to be cleaned up.  Then at bedtime, I opened her bathroom door and saw the floor covered with clothes, books, towels, etc. and when I went to close her closet door, it caught on something and I opened it up and there were a bunch of the things she was supposed to put away as well as her clean clothes she was to put away.  To say that I was ticked off is an understatement.  It just seems that she thinks it's okay to hide things and pretend that she did the right thing and deceive me until I discover it.  I have nothing more to say about this.

Like I needed anything more emotional this evening, I went from that drama to bathing D. and nursing him to go to bed.  He's still having a hard time breathing with his snotty nose so today during nursings as he attempted to get better suction, he would inadvertently nip me which was painful but I knew he didn't know he was doing it so I didn't say anything.  Tonight though he whole heartedly bit me and then pulled his head away which was extremely painful.  He did it twice so I tapped him on the cheek and said, "No bite" and he began crying.  I switched sides thinking that might help and immediately he did the same thing and then proceeded to do it 3 times in a row.  By this time he was crying and so was I because of course I was fearing that this will make him not want to nurse again and we'll be right back to where we were - 0 nursings and refusing to take liquids via cup or spoon.  I put him in the crib, he cried but less than a minute and I proceeded to head to the shower to cry for 15 minutes and feel upset and down for most of the night.  I will pray for a good nursing tomorrow morning to start things off.

It's been a tough summer and I think back to two summers ago (before I was pregnant with D.) when I was on the phone with my mom talking about how I was so sad about I. going to full day school because I was going to miss her so much and trying to figure out what I was going to do etc.   And internally I still feel the same way and am trying to create memories with I. before she's back in school.  But after all the struggles of this summer, part of me thinks, "Holy smokes, I'm going to be so much more relaxed and have so much more down time once she's in school!"  It's such a conflict because I feel guilty thinking this because she is my first and we had almost 6 happy years to ourselves and I love her and what's most difficult is that I know I really am going to miss my time with her and I'm really just going to miss HER.  However after this summer, I think I need to catch my breath, gain my parenting confidence back and not have to be at odds with her all the time which is how it's felt.

One last random thought that's been bouncing around my brain for a few weeks...it seems like when she was younger (i.e. 6 months ago) and we would play side by side together (coloring, puzzles, cooking, etc.) things were better.  We would talk and work on creating things together.  In the last 6 months she really enjoys more competitive games like Uno and other sorts of games that have her playing against other people. However she is really competitive and can be a bad loser unless she's quickly corrected.  She's fine playing against V. but she tends to not be a good sport when playing with my parents.  When she and I play these games, sometimes she acts up but most of the time she holds it together because I've refused to play the games with her if she is a bad sport.  However, I wonder if playing against each other even though we both enjoy the games is working against us in the other areas of our life.  The coinciding time is right and down deep, I think I"m on to something.

Need To Catch A Break

Thanks to our visit to Chuck E. Cheese on Monday, D. came down with a cold starting on Wednesday night.  No big deal, I thought, since he's had plenty of colds throughout I.'s school year and they were always  mild and didn't affect his nursings or eating.

Not this time, he wouldn't nurse at all yesterday afternoon but did nurse at 10:30 last night so I felt hopeful for today.  This morning when I got him up and tried to nurse him, he took one suck and then became irate, pinching at me and clawing at my face.  Then he just cried inconsolably and it broke my heart.  The rest of the day he would just turn his face away at every nursing and cried himself to sleep at afternoon nap.  For bedtime, instead of nursing, I got 3 of his favorite books and we cuddled on my lap, reading and finishing up with me singing 2 songs to him.  It seemed to soothe him and give both of us some needed snuggle time and closeness because when I put him down in his crib, he was relaxed and fell asleep quickly.

My only concern is getting fluids in him especially considering that he won't drink out of a cup (or bottle for that matter).  I'll have to keep my eye on that and continue pumping and including the milk in his foods.  Unfortunately even though I have been pumping today, I have developed a painful blocked milk duct which will probably get worse overnight.  I will be praying that D. feels better tomorrow and soon will return to nursing.  I know that at 1 year old, weaning is a reality, one that I have always known was coming and for this reason, I've always tried to stop and take it all in, really drink in the experience as D. was drinking in my milk, and have been so thankful to have had this opportunity one more time.  Of course, it hasn't been easy.  From day one, I've had major nursing issues and they continue today.  But they say anything worthwhile is worth working at (or something like that) and it's so true.

That being said, am I okay with D. stopping nursing.  No, especially not with it being done so abruptly which is exactly what I. did.  It's not only physically painful, though more so this time, but it's also emotionally rough.  This time I'm better off emotionally at least so far because I think I've been preparing for it all along but it's still a huge change for us and sad for me and him too it seems.

Deep breaths, prayers, and hoping for wonderful things to come....

High Anxiety

I'm trying to make light of this but the fact is, this weekend my anxiety has ramped up to where it was the first couple of weeks D. was alive and we were having major nursing issues. I think my anxiety was high because of two things. One, this weekend was the first weekend that the girls and V. were home and I have to tell you, the house felt really crowded. There wasn't 1 room left to escape to and then I felt pressure to get D. down for afternoon nap successfully to allow us to go to our regular linner. Well, I got him down and he fell asleep but then woke up after just 30 minutes with gas passing and wouldn't go back to sleep. So this left him exhausted and crying inconsolably and resulted in everyone going to linner except for me. There was just no point to me going - I needed to get D. down again for sleep and all he wanted to do was eat and be walked around which is not conducive for eating out. Instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself, I stuck him in the sling and wandered around the neighborhood for almost an hour, giving him a catnap which was better than nothing.

This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.

So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.

Culmination of Events

It wasn't that today was a bad day, my psyche just feels like it was. Mainly, it was just a culmination of things that ended me up not feeling great by the end of the day. We went to a playdate this morning which was a good thing because we haven't been able to for awhile. The only bad thing is that that meant I couldn't go to the gym for the second day in a row. I'm already feeling slightly disgusted with myself so not going to the gym does not help.

Right before we left the playdate, I. got her hand accidently slammed in the patio door and seeing her in pain and knowing how much that had to hurt kind of wiped me out. It also caused us to leave later than I wanted to and we ended up racing home to make it for a 1pm appointment at our house. On top of this, my lunch was basically whatever I grazed on at the playdate and after a month of eating for energy, this kind of "lunch" made my energy level dip to nothing and I had a headache. The appointment lasted longer than I expected so we only had 30 minutes to rest before we had to go to a doctor's appointment for this painful mouth condition I've had 3 times in the last 6 weeks.

I got up from the rest time still tired, headachy, and irritable and we headed to the doctor's office. They want to weigh me and I'm really not in the mood for it. Especially when their scale shows me about 5 lbs. more than the scale at the gym - WTF?! Now I'm really pissed off and then the nurse practioner says to just get some OTC remedy to fix this - I paid $25 for this?

Then Mark's guy friend, Brian, leaves a message that he talked to Jodi earlier this week and that the headstone is installed but that he was not allowed to tell anyone until today because yesterday was their wedding anniversary and she didn't want anybody else there. Okay, understood but it still reeks of control issues and that irritated me. He also mentioned that the conversation included a lot of anger about Mark's family which ticks me off still. I've been struggling with the fact that I haven't called Jodi and seen how she was and I've felt guilty about it. But the fact remains that I don't want to give Jodi the opportunity to try to use me as a tool or weapon against Mark's family and I don't want to hear her anger and hatred towards them. I have enough of the negativity from my own family, I don't need it additionally from someone else's family.

But the fact remains that I feel as though I'm letting Mark down and letting his son down in some way. Hopefully Brian and I can talk sometime next week and I can get the full scoop on his conversation with Jodi and then maybe I can gauge things a little better. Really, the bottom line of today is that Mark's not alive. While I'm glad his headstone is finally there to honor him, I wish I could look up across a room or just right next to me and see his warm, supportive smile and hear that chuckle that I've heard so often. We were really a good team, Mark and I, and I miss him so much.

Still Recovering

Time for a short post only. This morning I feel like I have an emotional hangover, not helped by the fact that I had a dream that my mom was in labor and she was crying and screaming while I stood helplessly by the bed watching. Yeah, thanks so much Subconscious, that was ever so helpful. I did try hoisting myself out of the pit in the afternoon with a much needed haircut and a steaming bowl of soup for lunch accompanied by a magazine. And it did help until we walked in the door after school and there was a steaming pile of diarrhea under the kitchen table. This after I already had picked up a well-formed dump on the carpet from the other cat in the morning. There's just something about it being under the kitchen table that pisses me off. Talk about insult to injury. Well, that kind of put me back in the pit and I didn't climb out of it. In fact, I was too tired to fight against it and as soon as I. went to bed at 5pm, I took a shower and got in my PJs. The best thing about the night was the intermittent rain and hail storms.

Nothing spectacular going on today, parent/teacher conference this afternoon. Yes, they have those for preschool these days. Luckily, my child is the type who make these fun to attend because I know I'll hear how fantastic and kind she is and what mother ever gets tired of hearing that. Let's hope for a better today!

A Tough Week

An unexpectedly tough week. I guess I thought since I made it successfully through the holiday season, I would be home free. Yeah, not really. 'Cause I had Christmas to look forward to and then Palm Desert. Now, I'm back to feeling as though I can't plan anything because I don't know when or if V. is going to be back and that REALLY frustrates me. Yes, I can make it through day by day but if I feel like I can't look past the errands, daily life, and things that need to get done, to something bigger, special and fun what's the point.

Maybe I should feel as though raising, nuturing, and teaching my daughter is good enough. Maybe I should feel lucky that I don't have to work outside of the home, can be a stay at home momma and that I have a direct deposit paycheck thanks to the hubby. Maybe I should stop my pity party of how I feel like a single mom, how lonely and isolated I feel every evening, how I mentally need something to look forward to and hope for in the future as far as being together as a married couple and family.

All these "shoulds" caused a major argument in my psyche and launched the mean side of me from long ago. The part of me who "should" be feeling and thinking all these things was no match for the mean, taunting side of me who ridiculed and minimized what I was thinking and feeling. As in, "Really, you're a single mom? Most single moms don't have a direct deposit going into their checking accounts." "You're here, getting to schedule what needs to be done and enjoying your little girl's company, what the f**k are you complaining about?" "You're enjoying time in Palm Desert with your little girl, what do you have to complain about?" etc...

This led to a lot of guilt that seemed to break out this week. The Shoulds vs. How I Feel. For some reason I seem to feel that the Shoulds have more credibility and value than how I feel. And when that happens, destructive things start tempting me. We'll leave it at that. As bad timing has it, V. called me the next morning after the bad night with the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I reacted negatively and even though I knew I needed to stop with the reasons why it was an inconvenience, I cited a few reasons and but then it was too late. I could almost feel the door slam shut so I just didn't even try. I sent an email saying I was sorry an hour later but it was too late. It took over 12 hours for him to respond with something along the lines that he needed to wait to respond because although he knew I didn't mean it, it cut him deep. When I tried to fix it, he wouldn't let me so I honestly don't know where we are at right now. Great, another deeply unsettling feeling to deal with...

So he ditched me in every way when Mark died yet I forgave him (though can't forget) and moved on. The chance that he's punishing me for voicing my inconveniences is maddening to me. I do understand to a certain extent and I hope, that when I explained to him the next night what the night beforehand involved, that he understood all that I was struggling against and how overwhelming that was. It's hard to know because he doesn't want to talk about it.

Where does this lead me? I'm not sure but I could use a less stressful weekend, that I do know.

Rough Day

I'm really want to get back to funny posts or deep thought posts or happy posts but today isn't going to be the day for that unfortunately. But stay tuned, I'm sure one is just around the corner.

It isn't that today has been the worst day, just not a particularly stellar one. First of all, despite 9 hours of sleep last night, I'm still dog tired. How can that be? Perhaps it's all the overthinking I've been doing lately and still trying to curb.

Secondly, I discovered today that something very personal that I told in confidence to someone was told to someone else. I know this because this person asked me about the topic. I know I didn't tell this person because of the fact that I knew SHE WOULD ASK ME ABOUT IT AND THEN SOME and guess what, I was right. 'Cause not only did she ask me about it, she had to ask an insensitive question to follow it up. Yeah, that makes me really happy I must say. It was probably just an innocent slipup on the part of the person I told but of course, this other person didn't miss the opportunity to needle me on it.

Thirdly, I just got a call back from Mark's wife Jodi as they are on their way to the hospital. Despite a blood transfusion yesterday, he is extremely lethargic, not thinking clearly, and has a new, intense pain in his abdomen. Scary stuff considering what he's battling. Jodi and I have agreed that on Friday I will visit him wherever he is - at home or in the hospital and she'll let me know what the doctors say as soon as she can. My heart feels heavy and frightened by this info but my head feels a little less crowded knowing that the plan for a Friday visit is securely in place. It's only taken almost 2 months to get this visit but Lord willing, we're on. I just pray that the cancer hasn't spread and that they can diagnose and get rid of/control this pain of his.

The First Day

I obviously did not mentally think ahead to what would await me this morning, the first day without V., because if I had I would have never opened the door and removed the bedroom barricade.

A barricade, you say? Yes, that's right because I have 2 cats who love nothing more than to sleep ALL DAY just so that they can throw their 9 lb. and 12 lb., respectively, bodies up and against the bedroom door and knob to vocalize their angst of not being fed in the middle of the night. Thus, the barricade which comes in a variety of styles. Most often it's a full laundry basket (thanks to V.) placed strategically in front of the door so they cannot reach said door and knob. If I happen to be caught up on laundry (yes, miracles have been known to occur), V.'s unpacked garment bag from his last trip a month ago, is heavy enough to serve the purpose. It really doesn't matter what it is, as long as it keeps them from reaching my bedroom door.

But I digress...so this morning I was awakened by I. screaming and crying at the top of her lungs which is always a pleasant way to be woken up. I jump out of bed, fearing the worst, throw open my door, hurdle the barricade, dodge the yowling hungry cats to get to her room. Why is she sobbing? Because the cat socks that my mom got her are coming unsewn. Yes, that's right. And that means I'm going to be doing some sewing very soon, trying to get those friggin' paws sewed back on tight. Note to self: tell mother NOT to buy fancy friggin' animal socks. I soothe I. promising miracles I have no hope of achieving, change her and then we go back to my room to make my bed since I didn't have a chance yet, put my PJs on since I'm in my underwears and so that I can pee. Yes, even mommies have to pee in the morning.

Now I'm on the pot peeing. I. decides this is a perfect time to bring 2 foot high Peter Cottontail into the toilet closet. At a decibel level just below ear splitting, he starts singing "Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail" complete with him hopping. This inspires I. so now she's hopping with him. All this in a 2 X 3 foot space, me just trying to pee hoping this is all a bad dream. Mind you, the cats are right there fighting with each other because they're hungry and pissed off. I drop my head in my hands to try and shut it out when I. hits me upside the head with a plastic microphone. At that point, everyone including Peter Cottontail is ejected from the toilet closet and the door is firmly locked. This of course results in the door being kicked by I. for awhile until she decides that it would be much more fun to torment the cats with Peter Cottontail. Sorry cats, everyone in this house has to take one for the team some time.

Make it down the first flight of stairs to find not one but two furballs barfed up and waiting for me. Wow, I'm so excited. I. insists that she gets her milk before the cats get fed which leads to major fur-flying in the interim. I make sure to turn my coffee on immediately because it's looking like I'm REALLY going to need it. Now, time to feed the cats. Walk down to the next level where a fresh, steaming pile awaits me at the bottom of the stairs. It can't get much better at this point. Successfully feed the cats, scoop the boxes, and pick up said steaming pile and make it upstairs to my coffee.

I take the first sip of my coffee while I. watches a Winnie the Pooh DVD and think to myself, "It's not even 7:15 yet and I want to go back to bed and hide." It's then that I realize that I need to start now preparing myself mentally and emotionally for tomorrow morning or it's going to be another rough one.