Mixed Bag This Week

The last two days of been full of conflicting emotions - joy, worry, contentedness, anxiety.  Thank goodness for the good stuff because the other stuff has been a real bummer.

On the good side of things, I. has been in a more positive mood this week and we continue on with our attitude of gratitude which has been really good and I think has softened her heart towards me and is developing a better relationship between us.  That makes me happy and it also helps greatly when I do need to discipline her.  Most of the time my approach is more gentle and she accepts it better.  Today I purposely built in time to play with D. and it was great.  We played cars for awhile and then played with his kitchen table set which he loves.  I enjoyed showing him how he could put his favorite animals at the table and pretend to make food for them and serve them.  It was neat to see him "get it" and really enjoy this new imaginative play.  What is amazing is how he will play by himself happily for long periods of time.  I had heard about kids like this but never had experienced it.  I can be doing something and he'll be happily playing in the same room or the next room.  Even tonight when I went upstairs to put I. in the shower, he came upstairs and was playing but came and told me that he wanted to go downstairs and play.  So he played downstairs with his garbage truck and car for at least 20 minutes until I went down and brought him up for a bath.  Amazing!

Still so thankful for our house...we love our bunnies in the front grass in the morning and at bedtime and a little family of birds in the backyard in the afternoon.  The kiddos and I ate a strawberry a piece off of our little plants for dessert and it was so sweet in many different ways.

I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff, just want to get it out of my brain so here it is:

• Parents' dire financial situation
• Feeling the need to insert myself into a situation between my brother and my parents
• My older cat having possible seizures possibly due to his chronic kidney disease/failure (will know more when I talk to the vet on Saturday)

I know there are only three but that first one has become a real doozy.  It probably wouldn't stress me out as much if we hadn't reduced our own savings account greatly when we bought our home and I felt like I had more latitude in helping them out.  I swear their situation has got to get better and soon.

Quick Update

After going to bed pissed off and waking up wondering what the heck the day would bring, my phone rang at 8:45 and it was our realtor telling us we got the house.  I'm excited but still holding my breath because we still have the appraisal hurdle for the house we are selling.  At the earliest we may get the report tomorrow.  If not, then Monday.  Regardless, we are forging ahead with our home inspection of our purchase Saturday morning.  I'll take the kiddos with me once the now sick D. wakes up from morning nap and Sunday my parents are going to come over to go see our new home with me and the kiddos.  Even though it is in move in ready condition, there are still things that have to be done and coordinated and measured, ie. window coverings before we move in, hopefully a month from now. 

My head is swirling and I am really trying to organize things but it's difficult.  I was supposed to go to dinner with a momma friend tonight but the sitter cancelled at 3pm and with V. being gone for 2 weeks, I'm stuck.  Really sucks because I could have used some fun and relaxation with all this that is going on. 

Fingers crossed for the appraisal report and acceptance.

On the family front, D. is sick with a cold but we went to the zoo for a short time today anyways for distraction.  I. got put in the doghouse for her attitude and behavior - still struggling to navigate her.

The Eye of the Storm

This past week has been off the charts.  In four days, I looked at 20 houses.  So much of it is exhausting - the hope that rises up and then crashes down with everything is yuck or a no go, the effort it takes to schedule and try to arrange for sitters when necessary to see as many houses as possible, trying to corral D. when we're in houses that are not vacant, and then handpicking the top ones and going to see them with V. and family to see if one fits.  The big rush is that if we don't find one by tomorrow we're risking having to sell our house and move into a short term rental with hopes of finding a house.  Not something I really want to consider with 2 little kids and 2 cats.

Yesterday we set out to look at an additional 3 houses after a disappointing weekend of looking at houses.   To compound it all, V. is gone until basically October 12th.  Our realtor and I set out yesterday morning and to be honest, I wasn't feeling hopeful.  In fact, I had an emotional hangover.  Granted I was agonizing over this one property that we really liked but which just felt small.  I decided the night before that if this was my consistent impression of this house, I didn't want to walk into it every time for the next 30 years and have that be my first thought.  Once I realized that fact and that this was not the right house, I felt good about it until I realized I was back to square one and we had 3 days to make this whole concurrent thing happen.

First place was a bust but then we went to the next place, a place I almost missed in my automated list and had forwarded the night before to the realtor at 10:30 to say "let's look at this". We walked in and my initial thought was wow and I continued moving through it, I kept thinking "this is it, this is the one" which after looking at now over 75 houses I haven't had screaming through my brain.  Also turns out that the agent is a long time acquaintance of my realtor and as I was looking through it, she was talking on the phone with him.   V. was still in town yesterday and was able to come home early so we grabbed the kids and all went to see.  I. was so excited to see the big room that would be her bedroom and watching them run laughing and screaming in the backyard was a dream come true.  Well almost a dream come true since it's still not ours.  Long story short, we made an offer this morning and sweetened it tonight because there is a cash buyer out there trying to get it but at a low ball price.  We'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if we've got it.  It may be another Lunesta kind of night and Xanax kind of day.  All this not to mention the activities of our house being sold ie. the inspections, appraisal, repair requests, etc., normal life, volunteering at I.'s school, and V. being gone for awhile...

However while the storm swirled around all week, I had a peaceful, joyous moment when I got D. up last night before I went to bed because he was battling a bad diaper rash.  I changed him in our room and then impulsively just laid him in bed with me, snuggling him up against me on his side with my arms around him.  He took a deep breath of me and instantly fell back asleep and we lay like that for about 30 minutes.  He would move around but ultimately ended up on his side, face burrowed in my chest with his arm thrown across me as he dreamed.  I lay there awake, smelling the top of his head, listening to his breathing, and feeling the weight of his body against mine.  I knew that I was being selfish to keep him with me for half an hour and then put him back to bed because interrupted sleep is no fun (I would know) but with all this craziness, this quietness and reconnecting with D. is just what I needed.  It brought us back to those nursing days in the darkness of the late night and early morning.  Judging by how relaxed he was and how he didn't even wake up when I put him back in the crib, I don't think it messed up his sleep too much.  And for the first time in a couple of weeks, I was able to sleep through the night without Lunesta or constant night terrors.  I swear, the only time I have ever slept without nightmares has been when I've been nursing or now it seems, snuggling with my little one right before I go to sleep.  That is pretty amazing from a physiological point of view if you think about it. 

Prayers that our offer is accepted tomorrow morning and we can be excited without fear of disappointment.

Days 53-65

I'm so behind on posting for the last couple of weeks.  There's been a lot of good going on but unfortunately a lot of bad health ju-ju going on around us as well.

I think I'll just do a summary of the good stuff because there was a lot of it.  We had D.'s birthday party and it was fun for him except for the fact that he didn't take his usual nap in the morning and so was pretty fried by the time I brought my homemade birthday cake out.  His sisters came down so  that made it special.  V. did a big time disconnect in the middle of the party which really pissed me off and I had to hash it out with him at a later date.  So that was kind of a bummer and also things were so hectic that I didn't even get a picture with my birthday boy which to me was the most upsetting thing.  But he had fun and understood presents and toys and unwrapping and that was really fun to see.

We've had plenty of swim classes to enjoy, a beach day, a relaxing playdate with Melissa at her house and a few last days of summer camp at I.'s school.  We've looked at plenty of houses in anticipation for our house someday reentering escrow. 

Unfortunately I have been feeling anxious this week because my dad's health situation still has not been resolved and I feel as though it's a ticking time bomb.  My parents just don't want to deal with health situations until they absolutely have to and it really angers me.  I don't know what they are waiting for.  But they rely on longtime doctors who are not really reliable and they don't follow up to make sure they are doing their jobs.  Is there anything more important than that?  And my FIL of course being basically terminally ill with bone cancer.  It just makes me so sad.  On top of that, Melissa was supposed to come over on Tuesday for her birthday celebration but her mom ended up in the ER and I told Melissa to just bring Caroline over here since her hubby was unavailable until 1ish.  That was stressful since they have never left Caroline with anyone other than her mom but I was happy to help so that she could get to her mom's side.  But it was stressful and exhausting.

It just feels like I'm surrounded by chaos and uncertainty and it makes my anxiety rise substantially.  Hopefully I'll find a way to cope better with all these things that are swirling around and out of my control.

Yucky Conversation

A brief intermission in my "Days of Summer" postings.  I've been busy editing the over 200 pictures I had on my camera from the past month/month and a half.  It's so time consuming but also is nice because it brings back all the good memories and great pictures of our fun times.  But it has derailed me from my summer postings.  Planning on doing a catch up shortly.

Today has been an anxiety inducing day and now I'm not looking forward to a conversation with V. when he calls tonight.  The lesser of the stresses (kind of) is that my dad has been suffering from polycythemia which is too many red blood cells for about 5 weeks now.  That may not sound like a problem but it is, can lead to strokes, blood clots, heart and lung damage etc.  They've just been kind of burying their heads like always figuring it would get better so no real rush.  Then this morning, he gets out of the shower and looks at his ankles and all his blood vessels had broken down there so there is blood all under the skin.  So he goes for another blood test and it's even worse!  They said he needs to have 4 pints of blood removed (not all at once) in order to get the numbers to where they should be.  I got so mad and I think it finally made them take some action because hopefully he will be able to get in tomorrow and give some of that blood.

The more dire situation has to do with V.'s dad.  On Tuesday night I sent him some pictures of V. from this summer because when we were at their house, I showed him some pictures on my camera and he specifically wanted one of V.  Wednesday morning, I got an email from his mom thanking me and saying that today was the last day of the second round of radiation and that he would be starting chemo in a few days.  This was different than what V.'s brother had told us so last night when I saw his brother on FB, I checked in with him and asked about it.  Turns out that the cancer is back in his skull which is dismaying because that was really quick.  They can't do radiation to his skull for another year so chemo is the last ditch resort to trying to remove it/slow it down.  His brother was asking when V. was home because he needed to ask him a question either tonight or tomorrow.  I told him that I needed to be able to tell V. what is going on first so I'm going to have to tell him tonight over the phone and his brother is going to call him tomorrow night.  I really was hoping to wait until V. was home and tell him in person but I'm not going to interfere with his brother needing to call him either.  I guess it can't be helped but still not looking forward to it at all.

I sent his dad an e-card, kind of a funny one but more like a tongue in cheek and told him that we were praying for his strength, healing and physical comfort and signed it as his favorite daughter in law which is our joke because I am his ONLY daughter in law and he calls himself my favorite father in law.  I got an email back from him today that said,

This is let you know that your card did put a smile on my face and filled my heart with so much Love for your thoughtfulness and words. I also want to tell that the pictures you sent were great and I love them. Please give everyone there a big hug and a kiss for me. Remind my son how lucky he is to have such a great woman by his side, you are one of a kind as far as I'm concerned.

All my Love

Vic

 Brought tears to my eyes and also pain to my heart.  I asked I. to make him something today and she did so in such a big way that I had to use a manila envelope to fit it all in.  I'm feeling that heightened sense of anxiety where I just get a feel like something bad is about to happen.  I can be driving and it just comes out of nowhere and then I realize it's because of his dad and that it's bringing up what happened with Mark and it scares me because I know how fast it can happen.  One afternoon you can be hanging out and a few hours later, the death spiral begins.  On top of this, I just don't know how to help V..  This after 10 years of marriage.  But honestly, V. has no clue how to help himself let alone know how I can help him.  I'm just going to have to pray hard for insight, intuition, and patience and let God lead me in the right direction.  Kind of like the same thing I need to do about this house sale, come to think of it.

Days 50-52

Day 50 of summer was my little guy's 2nd birthday.  I just can't believe it.  I. and I sang him Happy Birthday while he was still in the crib and though he didn't completely understand, he knew we were singing to him and that made him happy.  Melissa and Caroline came over for a playdate and after I. came home from VBS, we had a little party with cupcakes that Melissa had brought over and D. opened the two presents they had gotten him.  This year, he definitely understands how to open a present up and when he saw that it was an airplane with people and a door that opened and closed, he was in love and spent the rest of the time inspecting its wheels and opening and closing the door.  Plus it plays music so it really can't get any better than that.  He was so jazzed about it that I let him take it in the crib with him during afternoon rest time.  Sunday will be our family party and the girls will be coming down by train Saturday night so that will be exciting for everyone.  It will be a full house!

Yesterday was I.'s last day of VBS.  I also had to run to Home Depot this morning to get some items we will need in order to pass house inspection which was supposed to have happened next Monday.  I. and I played pretend restaurant and served up 21 of her stuffed animals with various menu items which was fun.

This morning my realtor let me know that our buyer backed out due to a family emergency.  I don't know that I buy that.  Last night I spent hours getting all these financial statements together for the lender so that he can provide our realtor with a preapproval document to make us more attractive buyers.  Being contingent makes us unattractive. On top of that, in this market you have to include with your bid/offer a biography of your family introducing yourselves and telling why they should accept your bid.  It also makes you "more attractive".   This whole process could give you a complex I swear.  Anyways, now we're back to square one with showings and a need to keep everything perfect while having 2 little ones underfoot.  That part really sucks.  The only good I can see of this is that the inventory has dropped significantly the last week so I was starting to feel stressed that now our house was in escrow and now there were no homes coming on the market.  Guess we'll see what happens.

The rest of the day was good except of course bedtime when the kids were tired and bouncing off the walls and my patience was running out.  The last 2 weeks since we got home V. has worked all 5 weekdays in Arizona so it's been a little rough on me.  Today though I had planned a short adventure for the 3 of us and it turned out really well.  We caught the trolley just east of Qualcomm and then rode it about 4 stops to Mission Valley where it dropped us off right in front of Sammy's Wood Fired Pizza.  We had lunch there, walked around for 20 minutes or so and caught the trolley back to our car.  Both kiddos were so excited and for the rest of the day, D. kept making the sign for train because he was so thrilled by the whole thing.  I got the idea when V. and I took the trolley to the game on Sunday and I was looking out the window at the stops.  So glad we did it and both kids were really well mannered.  A good day with good memories made!

Day 47-49

This summer has been all about multi-tasking as though I was not doing that already.  Maybe now it's multi-multi tasking.  It makes my head spin throughout the day and I cannot tell you the last time I was able to doze off in the afternoon to get a head wind for the rest of the day.

Saturday V. and I. went to the gym early while D. was taking a nap and then they went to a gift shop because I. wanted to get everyone some presents with the money she got last week through the SDSU study.  So sweet...she got me, V. and D. something special.  When they got home we looked at 3 houses, 2 of which I had seen already and had pegged as favorites.  We were going to put an offer in on one of them because it was perfect but found out later in the afternoon that they already had an offer and did not want any contingent offers.  I'm going to have to toughen up and get used to disappointment or I'm not going to survive this process.  Seeing the kids happily run around the house and the beautiful yard and the remodeled kitchen and the pantry and how the house was completely brand new and the location was great...we were all excited and then the crash of no, they don't want your stupid contingent offer.  This market is tough, really tough.  Lots of cash buyers and low inventory mean that houses go into escrow within 3 days of going on the market.  Plus they don't need to accept any contingent offers when someone is good to go.  Trying not to stress out about this, some days more successful than others.

Sunday was our baseball date and we had a good time.  Saw batting practice, walked around, and enjoyed the game even though the Yankees lost.  Had a fun time at dinner at one of our favorite places.

Today I. went to VBS but I picked her up early for swimming class since we've missed several already and before we know it, it will be time to go back to school. 

Today also was D.'s last day of being 1-something.  It kills me.  When I was cradling him and singing the regular bedtime songs tonight, I cried because this would be the last time I was looking into a 1 year old's face of mine.  I've been rereading the document my doula wrote of his birth story tonight.  It's absolutely priceless and reading it takes me right back in time.  I really am thankful for both the documentation of it and for the actual happening of it - I've never felt such pain before in my life but I got to experience bringing D. out of me into this world the way I hoped for, then seeing his little serene face and big dark eyes staring into my face , his enthusiastic nursing within 5 minutes of being born, and this feeling of euphoria coursing through me for the rest of the day.  Granted, 3 days later and for about 10 weeks after that I was in agony in various locations but the day and a half after I birthed D., I felt like I could run a marathon, climb a mountain, and do anything I wanted.  It was such a beautiful experience.

But my baby boy will turn 2 tomorrow.  Our music class friends will be coming over tomorrow to celebrate and distract Mommy from this fact, try to get her to focus on the positive (hmm, what is it again?). At least D. is close to me emotionally.  When he gets hurt and is upset, he runs to me for comfort.  He loves to snuggle against my chest at naptime, and rest time and bedtime.  He can be spazzing out and hyper but as soon as I put his cheek against my skin, he immediately relaxes and snuggles in towards me.  It's like our substitute for nursing and it's been working to soothe both of us. 

I want to have tomorrow be all about happy and that's why I am trying to get through all the not so happy part tonight.  I'll see tomorrow if I was successful in my goal.

Days 42-46

A whole 'nother week of summer gone.  It's just flying by this year.  I guess the key to the summer flying by is having a good summer and a guaranteed slow summer time is one where no one seems to be having fun.  For us, the key to a good summer is balance and diversity.  All I can say is that it is a good thing I am a good planner.

The only thing that is adding a little too much to our schedule is the fact that we got a couple of offers, one accepted our counter and today we signed the final contract with them so the heat is on to find a home, the right home for us in 17 days.  I went looking by myself yesterday at 7 homes and today with the kids for another 6 homes.  Today there were 2 that would be great for us so tomorrow much to V.'s chagrin we will all be looking at those 2 tomorrow plus an additional 2. 

The week flew by with picking the kiddos up on Monday and then Vacation Bible School for the rest of the week.  Sunday is V.'s birthday gift from January - Yankees/Padres game tickets behind the Yankee dugout.  Should be a fun day hanging out in the Gaslamp area.  Kind of like New York except I will be sure and have extremely comfortable shoes!

Drama Warm Up

Oh my gosh, I don't know that I am going to make it through this day.  Seriously.  I've got to hurry and get this crap out of my brain before we hit the road to my parents' or I am liable to explode.

Got a phone call from my mom which was expected since they always call and tell us to come later than they thought.  What's aggravating off the bat though is that she leaves a voicemail telling me to call her instead of just telling me the new time or better yet, send me a text with the new time.  The reason she wants me to call is that she wants to spend 10 minutes telling me why we have to come later, all the gory details that I don't care to know and then explain how much more and what it is she has left to do.  It's stupid.

So I grit my teeth as she did indeed launch into "how many more bad things can happen to us".  I had just enough patience to deal with that as I moved through the grocery aisles to pick a few things up.  However, when I said something about putting the kiddos to bed by 6pm, she gets this whiny, wheedling tone and says, "Oh can't I. stay up and see the fireworks?  Sienna (Aaron's girlfriend's daughter who is the same age) is going to get to stay up and watch them."  I laughed and answered, "And she probably wasn't up at 4:30 this morning and probably will sleep in until 9:00 tomorrow."  She wouldn't let up and said, "Oh that's just so sad and that's going to make I. feel bad.  Why can't you make an exception this one time?"  Okay, so now I'm mad because I've tried to be nice and now she's attempting to make me feel like I'm the mean mom and I should feel bad or guilty about this.  So I told her that if I. was going to bed normally at 7:30 or something like that, I'd consider making the exception but that keeping her up for almost 5 hours past her bedtime was ridiculous and that she would be absolutely miserable the whole time plus the entire next day at the very least.  Plus, I could just count on her getting sick with a cold and then D. would get it because that is how it has worked for the past 7 years. 

I know both my parents will give me some sad hangdog look when I say it's time to go to bed and I fully expect my dad to make a comment as well.  Because that's how it's always been - if they think they know best then they will keep making comments as a team and expect you to just take it silently or finally acquiesce and do what they want.  That's what I usually did as a kid just to keep the peace and get them to let up on me.  I'm not willing to do that and frankly, I'm tired of being poked between the bars and then getting called "nasty" when I actually react to the jabs.

And honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck what Aaron's girlfriend allows her daughter to do.  She also has the kid spend the night on the couch and they go sleep together in the adjoining bedroom.  Is that a good idea?  Should I look to her for parenting advice and direction?  So bite me.

We haven't even gotten there and already there's this. 

Exhausting and Upsetting Conversation

Ever since V. has taken the new job in Arizona and we announced that we were thinking of moving to a home with a yard in our area, my parents have been making a full court press to get us to move to North County.  When I told my mom that we were considering moving I made a point of telling her we needed to be near the airport so that V.'s commute was not made worse by a long commute from the airport.  I knew when she didn't object that more would be coming which there was in the form of my father making a full court press.  I gave the reason again of why we wanted to stay in the area but obviously to no avail because they started making little comments here and there every time I saw them and yes, to be honest it annoyed me.  Why?  Because I already had stated several times our intentions and the reason behind it and still they persisted with little jabs here and there as though I hadn't made the attempt to forthright about our decision.  Kind of like, say your piece and then shut up.

With another family get together for 4th of July, I didn't want to spend that long day and night waiting for more comments.  It makes me irritable and angry so since we were talking today, I figured it was time for the talk.  I told my mom I had to be off the phone by 11:10 so I'd call earlier to give plenty of time.  Here's how the phone call went:  from 10:00-10:30, she talked about my sister, her release tomorrow and every detail of her future weeks.  Then from 10:30-11:00 she moved onto a drama filled story about my brother and his dealings with a guy I knew they shouldn't be involved business-wise with but whom they thought would be an okay guy to deal with.  This is not the first time that they've gotten involved with someone and I've stated that I don't like the sound of him, been poo-poo'd and then it turns out that the guy's an a-hole and now they're in fear of being sued etc.  So both stories were kind of irritating to me but what was especially irritating is that she knew I had a limited time to talk and this is what she wants to talk about.

Finally while D. is now up and crying because he wants me to carry him, I tell my mom we need to talk about the moving subject.  I cannot go through it blow by blow but I was tactful and restated that we needed to be by the airport and that that was the only request V. had out of this whole thing and I respected that and wanted to honor that considering that he could have asked me to move to Arizona but didn't even ask.  I also said that I felt bad that they seemed to think from what they had said that I didn't want to move close to them because I was concerned that they would be over all the time which wasn't true at all.  I said some very nice and emotional things about how thankful I was to get to spend (and the kids getting to spend) all this time with them since D. has been born.  I told her that this was stressing me out because I felt like I was having to be the bad guy with them by doing the right thing for my little family.

She responded with how overly sensitive I was to their comments and that I had asked in a nasty tone, "What does that mean?" at Father's Day when they had made a "joke".  I asked her again what the "joke" meant and I was right that it was a little private dig they had between themselves about something I said.  She said all this had nothing to do with them wanting me closer as much as it would make my daily life easier because I could just drop the kids off here and there at their house when I wanted to go do something and if I needed anything they could be there in 5 minutes.  She was defensive and just kept saying how sensitive I was to anything they said and she guessed they couldn't joke around with me.  The tone she used when she was saying all this was hurtful to me.  It was like, we did nothing wrong, it's all your fault.  Which is how it was when I was a kid and every once in awhile I didn't agree with them or showed some fight against what they viewed as the right way to think so I guess I'm not surprised.  It didn't feel any better now than it did back then.

As though it couldn't get any worse, my mom says, "Well since we're talking about what makes each other feel bad, there's something you've said 3 times that hurt my feelings too.  But 2 of those times was before you had kids so I thought maybe it was because you didn't understand but the last time you said it was 3 weeks ago." 

Now I'm not begrudging her bringing it up.  I wish she had the first time I said, or the second time or just 3 weeks ago because obviously I never would say something to purposely hurt my mother's feelings.  But to bring it today after I go out on a limb and bare my soul partially about my love for them, it felt like tit for tat and a really gut shot.  So I told her to tell me what it was that I said and this was it.  I have said when mentioning the hard times I went through (not the depression but before then) that I didn't talk to my mom about it because she had enough to handle with everything that had been going on with my sister.  My mom took that to mean that I thought she wasn't willing to give me attention nor help and that I viewed her as an inadequate mother.  She asked, "Would you say that to D. if he needed help and you were going through hard times with I.?"  I told her first of all, you were dealing with 2 minor children and I was an adult so that's a different scenario.  I was an adult, I had made my bed, and now I had to figure out how I was going to lie in it or not.  It was time to take responsibility and try to grow up and figure it out.  Secondly, they were completely and totally overwhelmed by the years of crap my sister put them through when she was a teenager (and ever since) but all I wanted to do was to help them in any way I could, to help lessen the burden.  I gave her examples of what I did to help lessen the burden, ones she can't disagree with.  I reminded her that as the oldest child, I have always been responsible, never wanting to make trouble or cause disappointment or be a burden and that's why I didn't offload my pain onto them. They were already overwhelmed by pain.  I don't know if she heard it all.  I apologized and told her I never wanted her to feel like that's what I thought and that she should have brought it up a long time ago.

I don't even know what to expect on Thursday.  I'm sure this has been the topic of conversation between my dad and her and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him how upset and sad I made her.  Part of me feels bad but I know I shouldn't.  In  my family, if you didn't agree, you kept it to yourself or you would pay a price.  I guess I'm paying the price but I wonder for how long.

Last Nursing Eve

It's really here and I feel as though I'm in denial.  Or maybe it's something else.  There's a lot swirling around these days and it's a bit confusing trying to muddle and identify what I'm feeling.

This morning while I was nursing D., I got teary eyed as I realized this was our second to the last nursing.  I've been trying to enjoy each nursing rather than a depressing countdown but today it was hard.  I caught myself and pulled it together since D. was watching me and I truly wanted to enjoy our time together.

He was frustrated after a time with the first side, probably a slow down issue, but was pretty content on the second side.  He relaxed and happily drank while his cold hand made its way to its usual place within my pajama top and into my armpit.  Sweet torture.  Then my stomach started making noises which entertains D. to no end and after each eruption, he'd pop off and say, "Uuuhhh?"  That's my cue to imitate the noise which results in a grin and chuckle from D. and then he tries to push gas out in response.  He is definitely all boy - I. would never have thought of that!   After every 2 or 3 imitations, I am rewarded by him raising his head up and putting his cheek against my breast for a snuggle and a kiss from Momma.  It's really special. 

I know from experience that these special times will still exist, just differently.  Even though my head knows it, my heart still doesn't trust this point and it makes me infinitely sad.  I just can't imagine not  nursing D.  It's been almost 19 months and there were so many hardships and times where others were saying we needed to possibly stop but we soldiered on yet here we are at the end of this road, not the road.  I'm correcting my thinking as I type.

As I gave D. a bath tonight I enjoyed his open mouthed wonder as I poured water out of a cup and washed him, feeling his bare smooth skin under my hands.  This being our last bath until Sunday, I had a horrible thought of what might happen if something bad happened to us and this was our last bath ever.  And that he would never remember me.  My anxiety is higher than normal.  As a mom of 2 young kids, I think I always have a low level of constant anxiety especially since V. has such a demanding job.  But when you bring into the mix a first time trip away from D., coupled with a simultaneous weaning, it ramps up my anxiety to another level.  I have been stuffing it down with details and packing and excitement for the trip but at some time I have to admit, it's still there.  That's when the pleading prayers come in. 

Tomorrow night may be a tough one.  I'll have taken the kids to my parents' house in the late afternoon and V. won't be home until 10:15.  Since I have to get up at 3:45 or so, I'll be wanting to go to bed earlier than normal and keep to my normal nighttime schedule to help that happen .  Yet that will mean I'll be home with no kids and dealing with my nursing D. and anyone else being over for good.  Lots of storms all swirling at the same time doesn't make for a good scene.  Just had a thought though.  My friend from music class tomorrow is going to lunch with a crazy-ish friend who we talked about last week and maybe after she gets her daughter down we can download on that get together which would help distract me tomorrow night.  It's something to contemplate.

Emotional Hangover

Tired today.  Some of it is due to D. waking up at 4:50am, some of it is left over from last week.  A lot was going on.  Long story short, my mom had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion after losing so much blood due to female issues that she couldn't catch her breath, her heart was racing and she felt faint.  She waited far too long and could have died if she had waited much longer.  She was scheduled last week for a procedure that  should stop the bleeding permanently but after the doctor got in there, she didn't like what she saw, took a biopsy, and ended the procedure.  Last week was spent worrying that the biopsy would come back as cancerous and also dealing with the fact that regardless, my mom would have to have at the very least her uterus removed.

Thankfully the test came back negative and I was able to find some good information about the latest in hysterectomies, a robotic device that reduces recovery time and blood loss.  My mom was thankful for the info and this week will be calling to make an appointment to go to one of the doctors who performs it.  I'm going to try to attend just to help with asking questions.  Unfortunately, the other phone call my mom has to make is to the insurance company to find out how much they will cover.  Of course, with my dad being out of work for a year now, finances are a huge concern.  They are already worried about the bill coming for the ER visit and transfusion and now if they have to cover even a percentage of the surgery itself, it may be sizable.  My mom wants to put it off if possible until my dad gets a job which is not a good idea since if she starts bleeding badly, she'll be back in for a transfusion and forced to get the surgery.

V. and I are not rolling in the dough over here with two monthly child support payments and private tuition on one salary.  However, what is the health of my mom and having her around worth?  It's priceless of course.  So yesterday I brought up their thinking about the postponement of the surgery due to the money and asked V. what he thought about helping them take care of the bill.  Without blinking, he said, "How could we not?"  For all of his "backward" emotions at times, he is unfailingly generous and I love him for it.

Speaking of  "backward" emotions, I left out most of mine in this post.  Part of me is still emotionally spent from last week and I can't delve into those emotions deeply; my reserves just feel depleted still.  Suffice it to say that last week brought up memories and emotions that I hadn't felt since Mark - the fear, sadness, loss, the chaotic feeling of not being able to do anything and the frustration and anger that results from all of these things.  I was wiped out on Saturday and now today with too little sleep, it weighs down on me like an emotional hangover.

Busy Week

It's been really busy since my last post with I. being out of school. I. and I have been enjoying hanging out together with one of our favorite activities being baking in the morning while D. takes his morning nap, or some shortened version of it some days. We've made gingerbread cookies, sugar cookies, two loaves of cranberry nut bread, and Mexican wedding cakes. Much of it we've shared with others and tomorrow morning we'll be taking some of the Mexican wedding cakes and bread to our next door neighbors who bring in our trashcans almost every week (along with everyone else's on our row). It's been quality and quantity time with I. and with her not being in school, she is more relaxed, cheerful, and funny. We're really been having a good time though it has been exhausting by the afternoon without any downtime. Now I've been fighting off a throat virus for the last few days and I'm hoping it begins to improve or at least, not get worse.

Last weekend was not very good for me. To make a long story short, I attempted to supplement D.'s feeding with some pumped milk, multiple ways, multiple nipples and all resulted in D. screaming and crying and me crying as well. He did not want the nipple and even when he got the milk in his mouth, he spit it out because he was full from my feeding. Two days of these attempts left me mute on Sunday night, literally mute. That's how depressed and down I was. Even my parents sent an email saying that my mom had had to stop nursing me because I was still hungry when she fed me but that she had to supplement for the good of me. As though I am putting my desire to breastfeed D. above his wellbeing. It really upset me and angered me.

I remembered that a friend of mine is a pediatrician so I emailed her with all his growth stats and pics and asked her for her opinion. I also began wondering why I was taking a beautiful experience of nursing and allowing it to become such a stress filled, upsetting experience just based on what the ped says vs. what I know in my heart of hearts - D. is okay, he's more than okay. So I decided to just keep feeding him as often as possible and track his weight. My friend emailed back that yes, he was a slow gainer, but he was gaining and he definitely wasn't a skinny baby. That he looked fine and sounded great and to not worry about it.

One thing I did start doing this week and that I am enjoying immensely is for the first feeding in the morning (ie. the one that I know for certain he's not going to go back to sleep after or one that is at a decent time in the morning as in after 5:30am), I get him up, change him and get him buck naked except for that diaper. Then I put him bed with me, put the covers over our heads and nurse him while we warm up skin to skin and I can caress his little body. It's just the nicest, sweetest thing ever and I love it. He loves it too. It's the perfect way to usher in a new day, communicating warmth, love, and safety. And it's supposed to help with breastfeeding so that's even better.

Now if I can just start feeling better, that would be fantastic and if D. would have a few good nights of sleep with some long stretches for me, that would be even better. Here's wishing for both!

IT Happened Again

The day started promising enough, D. went back to sleep after a 4:55 feeding and took a good nap until 11:30. I pumped around 11 and combined some past milk pumping into a bottle so that when he woke up, we could just leave and head to I.'s Christmas party.

All went well until we got to I.'s school and D. refused to take the bottle. The nipple was just pissing him off and for the first time, he was pissing me off. With all the noise, I took him into the quiet hall to see if I could get him to eat to no avail. I was getting upset because the whole point was to be there for I.'s party and instead I'm in a hallway, struggling with a crying infant, and because I pumped everything into a bottle I have nothing in the breast reserves. Add to that my doctor's appt. from yesterday where supposedly I need to figure out how to supplement him and the fact that he refuses to take a bottle put me over the edge.

So I ended up going back into her classroom just so I could at least be there for her since she was so visibly excited by my arrival. I grabbed a blanket and began stressfully nursing him with empty breasts in a room full of inquisitive kids plus parents with the noise level thanks to all the sugar reaching a deafening pitch. Yesterday's doctor's appointment just added to the whole thing: you can try to feed D. but it won't be enough. The panic of him needing to eat after 3 hours and me already pumping, not having any milk now, and him refusing the bottle/nipple put me over the edge.

And that's when IT happened. My disassociation from my surroundings, mentally digesting what my eyes were seeing and my ears were hearing. Responding verbally to what was going on but emotionally disconnecting. It was as though a switch was turned off. Right beforehad, my stress level was rising, my anger was peaking, my frustration was off the charts, I was overwhelmed, the chaotic noise of 18 kindergartens hopped up on sugar was really loud and then CLICK....my feeling/heart/emotions went numb. My mind still observed but the rest of me was floating above watching but not feeling. After it was over, I was left very irritable like a raw nerve.

I'm not sure what is causing this disassociation but it's real. I mean it's a function of being overwhelmed and overloaded but it still kind of disturbs me.

Fighting the Spiral

I just need to get the afternoon out of my brain before I head to bed or it's going to carry over into tomorrow.

D. had his 4 month appointment this afternoon. I thought it would go relatively well. Yes, I know he didn't gain as much weight as the doctor would like but he does have some pudge on his legs now and he's definitely grown longer. Plus developmentally he's right there - with me, V., and I. he squeals, "talks" and tries to communicate, with others he smiles broadly when spoken to, he is alert and focuses on people plus he's grabbing at things with success. No, he isn't lifting his chest up when he's on his belly and that's my fault. I haven't thought it to be a good idea to put him on his belly right after he eats and if I wait 15-30 minutes after he's eaten, it's time to take I. to school, be picking her up or getting him down for nap or bed.

Well, it didn't go well. According to all the charts, he is sliding off the bottom of the charts. He's not gaining weight at an acceptable rate, his height is slow and so is his head circumference. She started talking about supplementation and my stress level just multiplied. I'm struggling to feed him 8 times a day and keep up with I.'s half day kindergarten schedule and needs along with their 5pm bedtime and now I need to consider adding bottles, pumping and/or formula? The doctor saw my face and recognized that I was upset and discouraged. Yeah, and add overwhelmed to that list.

The old mantra started up in my head on the way home and continues its chant "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough." Add to that the fact that I.'s Christmas party is tomorrow and tonight when she went to bed, she asked a cryptic question "Will other people be coming to the party tomorrow?" Finally drilled down to the fact that she was asking if Iwas coming to the party to which I had to reply that if D. woke up early from his nap, I would definitely come. She wanted to know why I couldn't wake him up from his nap and I told her that since he had 3 vaccinations today, he may have a fever tomorrow and not feel well so he needed to get as much sleep as his body needed. As I walked out of her room, what did I hear in my head? "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough."

If I didn't know already that I was not cut out to be a mother of three, I know it for a fact now because I am having a hard time feeling as though I am somehow shortchanging both of my kids in different ways (I. attention; D. tummy time)pretty much every day.

That being said, I am trying though struggling to maintain perspective. My friend's wife is battling pancreatic cancer, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer, so many women try IVF to just have one kid and I have 2 healthy kids, naturally conceive and a strong marriage. Really when I think of that, it helps me change the mantra chanting in my mind to "Everything is okay, everything is okay."

It's just a constant challenge to defeat the old way of thinking. Can't expect many, many years of reinforced thinking to just go away. I think it's going to be a lifelong battle.

The awesome parts of today were first going in to get D. up from his morning nap. He was awake, just lying there looking around. I said my usual naptime greeting of "Is there a handsome baby boy in here?" and he turned his head and gave me a huge grin. I picked him up and went on to our second routine which is me holding him against me, still swaddled, and looking at the two of us in the mirror. I say, "Who's that?" and he looks in the mirror at me, lights up with a big smile, and then buries his face into my chest to snuggle. The second awesome part was booktime with I. and D. though this happens every day when V. isn't here, which is quite often. After I's bath, I set D. down on her pillow and she and I lay down on either side of him while I read 2 books. D. gets so excited while we are reading - the whole time he's making noises, has his mouth wide open, punctuating the air with flailing hands and kicking legs. The third awesome part was bathtime with D. He is most talkative during bathtime warmup - squealing and talking and giggling. In the bath he was kicking up a storm, leaving me and the floor very wet. For some reason when I give him a bath he is much more active with his kicking (and peeing for that matter) than when V. gives him his bath. Still trying to figure that out...

Hmm Interesting (at least to me)

Last time I was at my therapist's office, I told her how I've noticed feeling anxious and ultra sensitive to noise especially but also to the number of people swirling about. She wondered if it had anything to do with the last stressful moments of D.'s delivery. I really didn't even give it alot of thought and pretty much dismissed it out of hand because I ended up with such a wonderful kid.

Fast forward to this Tuesday, I had a college girl to sit downstairs while D. took his morning nap so that I could get some things done. I headed to Target to get some Christmas shopping done without the kids since this would be my last week at that. Most importantly, I needed to get I.'s bike from Santa sorted out. It turned into a 2 hour trip. I'm not a shopper by nature. Yes, I had my list but it took a lot longer than I expected or wanted for that matter and it was really crowded, noisy, and hectic. Then my phone started getting text messages from the sitter that D. was crying and wouldn't go back to sleep (of course) so that just added to my stress.

It all worked out - I got everything, got home on time, and was sitting up in the glider nursing D. But my anxiety was still really high. As I nursed him I stopped to ponder why I was feeling anxious. My shopping trip was successful, D. was okay and happily eating, I. was fine and V. was okay too. So why this high level of anxiety?

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. And what I saw was alot of people moving too quickly, too many movements in my eyesight, and lots of noise - how I perceive chaos. I took some deep breaths, told myself everything was okay and began reading again.

Later that night, as I showered, my mind went back to probing that anxiety as you would a sore tooth. And as I relaxed in the hot stream of water, knowing that both kids were safe and sleeping in their beds, a scene flashed across my mind. Loud voices of multiple people, lots of movement a sense of chaos, things being out of control, and a feeling of panic, though not my own at first...and where did I find myself but at D.'s birth.

D.'s birth was a miracle and I wouldn't trade it for a C-section if I could. I ended up being blessed with an incredibly sweet child and since my first was/is as feisty as can be (which I love her for), it makes me appreciate it that much more. It seems however, that it doesn't change the fact that it was scary the way he came out and waiting many minutes to find out if he was okay after 30 hours of laboring to get him out was tough too. I have a feeling that emotionally it's going to take me awhile to get over what mentally I have made amends with.

A Little Confused

I'm a little confused by how I'm feeling tonight and trying to sort it out. Hopefully this post will help me work it out. As a caveat, may I say that I know I love my kids, my husband, and my life. It's just sometimes I can't "feel" it, and I mean that literally.

So I was hoping for a little more sleep last night since I didn't have to get up by a certain time to get I. to school. It's always a crap shoot with a 3 month old but every so often, his timing works out for me. Last night I thought it was going to work out for me again because he slept 5 hours straight until 3am. As I sat there feeding him until 3:30, I was hopeful since he should have slept about 3-3.5 more hours which would put me at 6:30 or maybe even 7, scoring me a total of 8 hours of sleep which I haven't had since before he was born. Unfortunately, it didn't happen like that. I put him back down and he fussed, burped, and then cried for a bit until I got back up and shook that bed for all it was worth and then set the vibrating function on the bed. By 4:15 he was asleep and I still was hopeful that I could get at least 2 more hours of sleep. Nope - he was up at 5:45 and do I really need to describe how it feels to be woken up from a deep sleep after an hour or so of sleep?

But I made the best of it and by 9am, I had him fed and down for his morning nap, the college girl had arrived and I. and I were ready to go. We spent the rest of the morning at Chuck E. Cheese playing together the whole time and it was really great. It just seemed so uncomplicated and easy with it just being the two of us again. I kept thinking how before D., I took these times for granted and that kind of bummed me out a little. On the flip side, and one that I need to concentrate on more, it made our present and future just-the-two-of-us times together so special and both of us appreciated today that much more. Of course, seeing how thankful I. was and how happy she was to be the only one with me made me feel sad too. Really, how complicated and confusing can being a mother possibly be. It truly is a double edged sword kind of job.

After we got home, I fed D. and the three of us went to get yogurt which was also part of I.'s dream day. After I fed D. yet again and got him down for his 30 minute nap, I. and I did a puzzle together and then it was time for the dinner/bedtime push with the 11 pound boy strapped sleeping to my chest. To say that I was physically pooped is stating the obvious. I made it through though and had both of them in bed by 5:30 (not freaking bad).

But then as I took my shower, the conflicting emotions began. Happy in mind but not feeling it emotionally that we got our one on one time today and that she really loved it. Sad because it was taken for granted before. I noticed today and also last weekend at I.'s birthday party that I'm having a hard time feeling connected emotionally sometimes. It's like I'm observing that the party/Chuck E. Cheese is going great and isn't it wonderful how happy I. is but emotionally I don't feel it like I normally would; I feel numb much of the time. It bothers me a lot this disconnect. I don't know what's causing it for certain and that worries me. Of course, it could be my interrupted sleep and the fact that I've been getting about 3 hours less sleep a day than I need for the past 3 months. I mean, that kind of accumulation is going to take its toll. Or perhaps it's just feeling emotionally tapped out sometimes. Or a combination of the two?

For instance, today is Friday and I've been having that numb, disconnected feeling throughout the day. Then I think of the week. I was the only parent on call and on hand all day and all night since Sunday except for my parents helping with the afternoon and bathtime on Wednesday. That's 4 full days of being solo 24/7. Maybe this plays a part in my feelings?

Lastly, V. and the girls are on the way down tonight for the weekend and while I am glad they are coming down especially for I.'s sake, for some reason I feel anxious about it. I remember the last time they came I felt anxious about it too. It's not them so much as I feel like the walls are closing in when there are so many people in this kind of small house. A claustraphobic type of thing.

What a whack job I sound like. I think if I was an algebra equation it would go like this: physical exhaustion + emotionally taxed = anxiety.

Exercise Outlet

After posting on Friday night it was hard not to think about T. and pancreatic cancer whenever I woke up during the night. It was hard to pray, I was angry. When I was trying to fall back asleep after a feeding or waking up, the first thing I thought of was how, when Mark was sick and during his final week of life, the first thing I thought of when I woke up was that he was sick and dying. And then I thought this was probably the first thing on T.'s mind when he woke up and it made me so sad. I wonder if there is such a thing as being too empathetic? I mean, seriously do other people feel and think this much when others go through similar situations? Not that I'm equating losing Mark with T. losing his wife of 21 years because I'm not. It's really ripped off a scab that I thought was healed. I guess it's a scab that never really heals.

I made a conscious decision to take any and all advantages this weeked to get some exercise. After relying on exercise since I was 24 as my stress relief, it's hard not to be working out for the past 7 weeks. I've been using resistance bands and some free weights for upper body stuff but trying to do cardio in the living room is really difficult. I know that my anxiety level skyrockets with less sleep and no vigorous exercise outlet so it's no surprise that anxiety is a problem. As luck would have it, V. did his Saturday workout on Friday which allowed me to go out by myself for a short time on Saturday. With all the pent up anger about T.s' wife, I decided to head over to Miramar Lake, go down to the dirt path, and jog/walk. It was nice weather, fall-like, and the jogging got some of my anger out. I felt really good afterwards and for the rest of the day. Today we took shifts at the gym and I was able to get another workout in. It feels good to have my muscles sore from healthy exercise for a change.

We'll see how this week goes. V. may be gone most of this week too, we'll have to see. Making it through dinnertime, bathtime, and bedtime with 2 parents is so much easier. When it's just me, it's still overwhelming and usually both kids are crying about different things during all or some of it. It's exhausting. I am hoping that as D. gets older, some aspects of it will get easier but we'll have to see if that's true.

High Anxiety

I'm trying to make light of this but the fact is, this weekend my anxiety has ramped up to where it was the first couple of weeks D. was alive and we were having major nursing issues. I think my anxiety was high because of two things. One, this weekend was the first weekend that the girls and V. were home and I have to tell you, the house felt really crowded. There wasn't 1 room left to escape to and then I felt pressure to get D. down for afternoon nap successfully to allow us to go to our regular linner. Well, I got him down and he fell asleep but then woke up after just 30 minutes with gas passing and wouldn't go back to sleep. So this left him exhausted and crying inconsolably and resulted in everyone going to linner except for me. There was just no point to me going - I needed to get D. down again for sleep and all he wanted to do was eat and be walked around which is not conducive for eating out. Instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself, I stuck him in the sling and wandered around the neighborhood for almost an hour, giving him a catnap which was better than nothing.

This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.

So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.

Things Aren't So Good

Things have gotten really tough around here. D. has gotten more fussy and unpredictable with his sleep. I'll have 2 or 3 decent nights of sleep with decent meaning getting up twice a night but D. going back to sleep relatively quickly. Then I'll have a nightmare of a night like last night. He got up to eat at 12:45 but then wouldn't go back to sleep until 3:20. Not going back to sleep means I'm pacing the bedroom with him in a sling, practically falling asleep on my feet and knowing that I'm once again doing damage to my nether region. Finally at 3:20, he fell asleep enough that I could lie on the bed and pass out with him on me until 4:15 when I woke up with my body all contorted and placed him carefully in the crib next to me. I dropped back in bed exhausted and slept all of 45 minutes when he woke up to eat at 5:00. Thank God today was Saturday so I didn't have to get up with an alarm so after I finished feeding him and he fell asleep quickly, we slept from 5:45 to 8:00. But I am exhausted. Totally.

Right now, it's after 7pm and D. is upstairs screaming bloody murder. He should have fallen asleep at 4:30 but we got home from linner a little late and I didn't finish feeding him til 5:30. I knew this was probably not going to be good but V. keeps saying that if he stays up longer, he'll sleep longer. I know this not to be true. But we are trying to keep up the linner tradition and I thought it would be okay. I guess not because after I fed him, he fell asleep until I put him down. Then he immediately woke up. So V. got him and tried to put him to sleep to no avail which left me having to put him in the sling and walk around with him until he fell asleep again. I let him sleep for a little while to get through a sleep cycle but then when I put him down he woke up immediately and started crying. Thus, he's upstairs screaming.

I'm exhausted, my anxiety level is sky high because I feel like it's all up to me and if I can't do it, he doesn't sleep and this wicked cycle starts. I am stressed going to bed every night not knowing if I'm going to be up all night pacing torturously. There aren't many worse things for a new mom than feeding your kid and then watching the time to the next feeding ticking away as your baby screams and requires you to be up pacing. I feel like I'm losing my mind with this unpredictability of not knowing if I'm going to have 2 minutes to myself or 2 hours. I feel like as soon as I get him down, I'm anxiously holding my breath for him to be up crying AGAIN.

To add to it, and this may be TMI, I finally stopped bleeding for the past 2 days. Until this afternoon and it started again as well as some of the pain. Big surprise there.

So why don't I have V. help? Well, he can't do the feeding since I'm still trying to make sure I keep my milk production up. V. can't help during the night because he's up at 2:30 to start his 16 hour work day. V. is upstairs right now and D. has stopped crying so I assume he is rocking him in the rocking chair. The thing is that it's almost time to feed him again and there really hasn't been any time to myself. That is, relaxing, anxiety-free time to myself. This is exactly how it was with I. too and brings back the memory of sobbing down in the laundry room because it was the farthest place I could get from her without leaving the house.

I felt like I was a really good mom to one kid. I really don't feel like a good mom to two right now. Sometimes I can pull off the juggling routine but it's so hit and miss that even when it works decently, I feel like I should just chalk it up to luck, sheer dumb luck.

I am just hoping against hope that he sleeps longer tonight and that I'm not up all night because I will literally be a loon tomorrow. I pray every night and throughout the night that D. will go to sleep. Some nights it happens and obviously some nights it doesn't. I pray for all of our mental health sake's that it happens tonight.