It's really here and I feel as though I'm in denial. Or maybe it's something else. There's a lot swirling around these days and it's a bit confusing trying to muddle and identify what I'm feeling.
This morning while I was nursing D., I got teary eyed as I realized this was our second to the last nursing. I've been trying to enjoy each nursing rather than a depressing countdown but today it was hard. I caught myself and pulled it together since D. was watching me and I truly wanted to enjoy our time together.
He was frustrated after a time with the first side, probably a slow down issue, but was pretty content on the second side. He relaxed and happily drank while his cold hand made its way to its usual place within my pajama top and into my armpit. Sweet torture. Then my stomach started making noises which entertains D. to no end and after each eruption, he'd pop off and say, "Uuuhhh?" That's my cue to imitate the noise which results in a grin and chuckle from D. and then he tries to push gas out in response. He is definitely all boy - I. would never have thought of that! After every 2 or 3 imitations, I am rewarded by him raising his head up and putting his cheek against my breast for a snuggle and a kiss from Momma. It's really special.
I know from experience that these special times will still exist, just differently. Even though my head knows it, my heart still doesn't trust this point and it makes me infinitely sad. I just can't imagine not nursing D. It's been almost 19 months and there were so many hardships and times where others were saying we needed to possibly stop but we soldiered on yet here we are at the end of this road, not the road. I'm correcting my thinking as I type.
As I gave D. a bath tonight I enjoyed his open mouthed wonder as I poured water out of a cup and washed him, feeling his bare smooth skin under my hands. This being our last bath until Sunday, I had a horrible thought of what might happen if something bad happened to us and this was our last bath ever. And that he would never remember me. My anxiety is higher than normal. As a mom of 2 young kids, I think I always have a low level of constant anxiety especially since V. has such a demanding job. But when you bring into the mix a first time trip away from D., coupled with a simultaneous weaning, it ramps up my anxiety to another level. I have been stuffing it down with details and packing and excitement for the trip but at some time I have to admit, it's still there. That's when the pleading prayers come in.
Tomorrow night may be a tough one. I'll have taken the kids to my parents' house in the late afternoon and V. won't be home until 10:15. Since I have to get up at 3:45 or so, I'll be wanting to go to bed earlier than normal and keep to my normal nighttime schedule to help that happen . Yet that will mean I'll be home with no kids and dealing with my nursing D. and anyone else being over for good. Lots of storms all swirling at the same time doesn't make for a good scene. Just had a thought though. My friend from music class tomorrow is going to lunch with a crazy-ish friend who we talked about last week and maybe after she gets her daughter down we can download on that get together which would help distract me tomorrow night. It's something to contemplate.
No comments:
Post a Comment