I've started this post several times and still haven't found a good way. I'll just state the facts. I haven't seen my good friend T. since I was 7 months pregnant. We've been really close friends for almost 12 years. Besides Mark, he was my closest friend. In some ways he was my closest friend because I didn't feel like I needed to look out for him and protect him. He was at my hospital bedside during the really bad times and that was the only time I saw him shed a tear. Otherwise, he's a 6'4", 225 lb. cop - tough on the outside but a really nice guy on the inside. I texted him after I had D. to see if we could visit but he texted back that he was super busy and would get back to me. I left a voicemail 3 wks. ago and didn't hear back. I figured he was busy. But then last Friday I sent him a text of D. pics and didn't hear back from him, not even a comment. That's when I thought something wasn't right.
This morning while D. was asleep, I texted him "Are you okay? I'm just checking on you." He texted back awhile later to call him and since I was on my way to pick up I., I stuck the headset in and called him.
He tells me that his wife (they are both in their 40's) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Just like Mark, it's already stage 4 and has spread. They flew her up to SF to the best of care to start chemo and see if she can get into any trials. And as he's telling me his voice begins cracking with emotion and it just kills me. I had to pull over to the side of the road when he told me because it just hit me so hard. But I had to keep going to pick I. up on time so as I drive with D. in the back seat and my tired synapses trying to fire on all cylinders, I try to talk to him with sensitivity and without by accident saying insensitive things. I listened and just tried to encourage him. There was a sense of deja vu. On top of it, his stepfather (his dad died when T. was 12) was diagnosed a month ago with 2 types of cancer and things are grim for him too.
I can't write any more right now. It's just a swirl of deja vu and sadness. And it's the same kind of cancer as Mark - that makes it more upsetting. I'll pray for them during my nighttime feedings (that's what I do to stay awake) but right now I'm kind of pissed off with God. It just doesn't seem fair and although I know that God could heal her if He wanted, my cynical side from my experience with Mark makes me think that He won't. And she'll die and leave a young good husband and 3 boys here to suffer.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Rough Night
Last night was something out of a torture chamber. Seriously. It went from Little Shop of Horrors to Gitmo. What caused this torture was that I was forced to change what D. was sleeping on in his bassinet because of major safety issues. It was non-negotiable however, I knew it was going to cause problems with his sleeping, at least initially. Boy, was I ever right. Morning nap was shorter and afternoon nap was a 30 minute joke. I was stressing because if he doesn't sleep well during the day, going to sleep and staying asleep at night is going to be a problem. I'll just cut to the chase of how last night ended - even though I was exhausted by 10pm, I was not "allowed" to fall asleep until 3:30am. Then I slept til the alarm went off at 6:30.
The jury is still out for today. He woke up crying a couple of times in morning nap, which isn't completely out of the ordinary, but overall got a 2 1/2 hour morning nap. This afternoon, he was up after 45 minutes. Tonight I put him down asleep and he woke up crying 20 minutes later. I was able to soothe him quickly and he went back to sleep. It's not an auspicious start though. I really need a "normal" night's sleep tonight - nothing huge, just 6 hours would be just fine by me. My thinking is that he was only used to that other way of sleeping for 7 weeks so he should be able to adapt to this new way in 2 or 3 days. We'll see how accurate that thinking is.
In the middle of the night while I was being tortured, I was racking my brain trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening today. So I studied what was pissing D. off (lying on his back) and tried to think of how safely to address it. So I McGyvered something with wedges and blue painter's tape to see if D. could safely sleep on his side, which is what he wants. I also moved the bassinet into the walk-in closet to see if that would help with afternoon nap and his early bedtime because my bedroom is light at those 2 times of day. He has morning nap in I.'s dark room and that usually is more successful thus my experiment with the walk-in closet. I think being a second time around momma has taught me to just keep trying different things if the first thing doesn't work. You just keep trying and studying what is working and what is not working and adjusting from there.
So I sound like I'm doing well emotionally, huh? Well, not really. V. had to stay up in LA this whole week and even though he may not help with the kids anyways when he is in town due to their early bedtimes and his hellacious work schedule, knowing that I will have his company later on that day and another adult in the house overnight helps me emotionally. If I'm getting the normal 5-6 hours of total sleep and things are going okay, I can make it. But when night sleep is down to nothing and every afternoon is fraught with I.'s angst, I feel so alone. Which leads to those feelings of failure and utter sadness. Things with I. continue to be rough every afternoon. It feels like afternoons at home with me are such a letdown after a morning of kindergarten. She acts so unhappy that afternoons are not just fun, fun, fun and that I'm always telling her what to do, fixing her meals she's not happy about, and not doing the things she wants. I know it's part of the adjustment period of both the second kid and kindergarten but it makes me feel like such a failure to her as a mother and feeds into what I feel like...that everyone else is for fun and me, I'm just the person telling her what she's having for a meal and what to do. But I'm the only one here and yes damnit, she does need to pick up her clothes off the floor and put them away and yes damnit it is time for a bath and you need to mind what I'm saying. So I just get to be the bad guy and everyone else gets to be entertainment. It's so hard and it makes me feel so bad. I pray that as I get more sleep which will lead to more patience and more energy, things will get better. I think as D. gets older and can stay awake for longer stretches, that will make a huge difference too because it will give me more freedom to plan something for us to do without being on an hour and a half tether like I am now.
Tough times but I'm still relishing those big gummy smiles that D. gives me and how his tongue is moving around as he tries to communicate. And those sweet coos...those are even better. I'm just trying to hang onto those moments as much as possible and enjoy them to the fullest instead of these sleepless nights because I know both will pass and while I won't miss those sleepless nights, I will miss those first smiles and the wonder of his first attempts at communication. I've just got to make it through without going down the road to depression and that's the scary part.
The jury is still out for today. He woke up crying a couple of times in morning nap, which isn't completely out of the ordinary, but overall got a 2 1/2 hour morning nap. This afternoon, he was up after 45 minutes. Tonight I put him down asleep and he woke up crying 20 minutes later. I was able to soothe him quickly and he went back to sleep. It's not an auspicious start though. I really need a "normal" night's sleep tonight - nothing huge, just 6 hours would be just fine by me. My thinking is that he was only used to that other way of sleeping for 7 weeks so he should be able to adapt to this new way in 2 or 3 days. We'll see how accurate that thinking is.
In the middle of the night while I was being tortured, I was racking my brain trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening today. So I studied what was pissing D. off (lying on his back) and tried to think of how safely to address it. So I McGyvered something with wedges and blue painter's tape to see if D. could safely sleep on his side, which is what he wants. I also moved the bassinet into the walk-in closet to see if that would help with afternoon nap and his early bedtime because my bedroom is light at those 2 times of day. He has morning nap in I.'s dark room and that usually is more successful thus my experiment with the walk-in closet. I think being a second time around momma has taught me to just keep trying different things if the first thing doesn't work. You just keep trying and studying what is working and what is not working and adjusting from there.
So I sound like I'm doing well emotionally, huh? Well, not really. V. had to stay up in LA this whole week and even though he may not help with the kids anyways when he is in town due to their early bedtimes and his hellacious work schedule, knowing that I will have his company later on that day and another adult in the house overnight helps me emotionally. If I'm getting the normal 5-6 hours of total sleep and things are going okay, I can make it. But when night sleep is down to nothing and every afternoon is fraught with I.'s angst, I feel so alone. Which leads to those feelings of failure and utter sadness. Things with I. continue to be rough every afternoon. It feels like afternoons at home with me are such a letdown after a morning of kindergarten. She acts so unhappy that afternoons are not just fun, fun, fun and that I'm always telling her what to do, fixing her meals she's not happy about, and not doing the things she wants. I know it's part of the adjustment period of both the second kid and kindergarten but it makes me feel like such a failure to her as a mother and feeds into what I feel like...that everyone else is for fun and me, I'm just the person telling her what she's having for a meal and what to do. But I'm the only one here and yes damnit, she does need to pick up her clothes off the floor and put them away and yes damnit it is time for a bath and you need to mind what I'm saying. So I just get to be the bad guy and everyone else gets to be entertainment. It's so hard and it makes me feel so bad. I pray that as I get more sleep which will lead to more patience and more energy, things will get better. I think as D. gets older and can stay awake for longer stretches, that will make a huge difference too because it will give me more freedom to plan something for us to do without being on an hour and a half tether like I am now.
Tough times but I'm still relishing those big gummy smiles that D. gives me and how his tongue is moving around as he tries to communicate. And those sweet coos...those are even better. I'm just trying to hang onto those moments as much as possible and enjoy them to the fullest instead of these sleepless nights because I know both will pass and while I won't miss those sleepless nights, I will miss those first smiles and the wonder of his first attempts at communication. I've just got to make it through without going down the road to depression and that's the scary part.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
High Anxiety
I'm trying to make light of this but the fact is, this weekend my anxiety has ramped up to where it was the first couple of weeks D. was alive and we were having major nursing issues. I think my anxiety was high because of two things. One, this weekend was the first weekend that the girls and V. were home and I have to tell you, the house felt really crowded. There wasn't 1 room left to escape to and then I felt pressure to get D. down for afternoon nap successfully to allow us to go to our regular linner. Well, I got him down and he fell asleep but then woke up after just 30 minutes with gas passing and wouldn't go back to sleep. So this left him exhausted and crying inconsolably and resulted in everyone going to linner except for me. There was just no point to me going - I needed to get D. down again for sleep and all he wanted to do was eat and be walked around which is not conducive for eating out. Instead of sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself, I stuck him in the sling and wandered around the neighborhood for almost an hour, giving him a catnap which was better than nothing.
This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.
So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.
This morning didn't start well with D. not being able to fall back asleep after the 5:30 feeding and only sleeping 30 minutes at 7:30. We were back to the inconsolable crying, the difference being that V. was getting ready to take the girls back home and then head to the gym, leaving me with I. and crying D. until about 1pm. As you can imagine, my anxiety went sky high again and it was only 8am. While V. held D. and I rushed to get ready while I could, I gave V. a verbal glimpse into how I saw the day since it seemed he didn't understand why I was stressing. My version of the day was, "I'm (V.) leaving to drive in my car by myself with the moonroof open, music on, and talking to my best friend. Then I will be going to the gym but will be back by 1pm. However, as soon as I get back, it will be time for my nap which I will do until 2:30 or so. Oh, but then I'm going to go get my hair cut but I'll try to be back in time to wash I.'s hair and kiss her before you put her to bed. Then I'll jump in the shower, pour myself an adult beverage and sit down to get ready to watch the evening football game while you get D. bathed and down for bed and fix dinner for us." Then I looked at him and said, "So you can see that there are rational, logical reasons as to why I'm stressed out. It's not based on emotions. And today is supposed to be a day that I have some help." What was amazing was that neither of us got angry about it and he went away and came back 5 minutes later with the idea of taking I. with him to take the girls home and then to the gym which helped lessen my anxiety because I was back to the one on one strategy which I can usually handle.
So that's good right? Well, yes and no. I know, can't I ever just be happy? Yes I can it's just there is a downside to the little bit of help I've been getting and here it is. When my parents come over, it's mainly to play with Isabella and when V. helps it's usually by taking her with him somewhere. And all this helps, trust me. BUT, I don't want the help always to be taking her away from me. I know in these early days of nursing every 2-3 hours and sleeping every 2 hours, much if not all the time consuming work falls on me when it comes to taking care of D. So as much as I was glad for I. spending more time with her sisters on the long drive back and only having to deal with D., a big part of me inside was so sad because I miss her and I, just the two of us. Yes, sometimes in the afternoon we have 30 minutes while D. is napping that we can hang out at home but it's contigent on D. sleeping. Which is not a good think to count on. In fact, he just woke up crying after being asleep for 30 minutes. I hope he falls back to sleep because God knows he needs it. Somehow this afternoon, I. and I are going to at least get out and get her a birthday card for a party she's going to tomorrow afternoon. And I am going to continue to make a conscious effort to hug her, kiss her, and physically touch and snuggle with her at every opportunity. I sense she's feeling the same way so despite my exhaustion and fragmented mind, I'm going to have to do this for both of our sakes'.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Progress?
Well, it's been 11 days since my last post and I'm still dreaming of that restful night with the bedroom all to myself. Probably why I haven't posted since.
Things have been a little better here and there peppered with some not so good moments/mornings/evenings but I'd have to say overall if I'm being honest, things seem to have stopped trending down. Some nights, D. goes right back to sleep after each feeding and I feel like a new person the next day. Some nights, he decides to fuss and cry after the 1am./2am feeding for another hour and boom! I've lost over an hour and a half of sleep in an already short night. Yesterday he didn't go back to sleep after the 5am feeding and refused to stay asleep in the morning. He basically cried the whole morning and my tired nerves were pretty fried. Luckily, he took a 2 1/2 hour afternoon nap and when he woke up, my darling, sweet baby boy was back. Whew! I certainly didn't want whoever that other kid from the morning was.
The other big help has been that D. is smiling as in "my whole face lights up" smiling and it makes a big difference in my daily life. It brings another level of love, adoration and thankfulness in my heart. Best of all, I. is a recipient of his smiles often and she is tickled beyond belief. Seeing his face light up when he looks at her in the morning warms my heart and now I can experience what mothers of more than one have been talking about.
V. has been gone most of this week which in one way is hard but in another way, is easier logistically. I don't have to worry that D. will wake up and need to be fed during the 2 hours that V. is home and awake. One night last week, V. got home at 7:30 and D. woke up at 8:15 hungry. I went upstairs grumpily and fed him but by the time I got done half an hour later, V. had turned off the tv and had gone to bed. I didn't blame him since he'd been up since 2:30am and was going to have to get up at 2:30 again, but I got teary anyways since I only got to see him for 45 minutes and then when I returned downstairs to the "party", noone was there. So in that way it's been easier. But I've missed him and I don't like how much stress he is under right now and how many hours he's been working. The girls are supposed to come down with him tonight but there is a chance that he won't get done with what he has been working on and will have to stay up there again tonight. Being that today is Friday, that would be a real bummer.
D. is up and crying for the second time in this afternoon nap. That damn gas is waking him up. Every time he passes gas, he wakes up and cries and may or may not go back to sleep. Resttime is almost over anyways for I. so I've got to stop anyways. Hopefully next posting will contain good news of an upward trend in sleep and a downward trend in fussiness!
Things have been a little better here and there peppered with some not so good moments/mornings/evenings but I'd have to say overall if I'm being honest, things seem to have stopped trending down. Some nights, D. goes right back to sleep after each feeding and I feel like a new person the next day. Some nights, he decides to fuss and cry after the 1am./2am feeding for another hour and boom! I've lost over an hour and a half of sleep in an already short night. Yesterday he didn't go back to sleep after the 5am feeding and refused to stay asleep in the morning. He basically cried the whole morning and my tired nerves were pretty fried. Luckily, he took a 2 1/2 hour afternoon nap and when he woke up, my darling, sweet baby boy was back. Whew! I certainly didn't want whoever that other kid from the morning was.
The other big help has been that D. is smiling as in "my whole face lights up" smiling and it makes a big difference in my daily life. It brings another level of love, adoration and thankfulness in my heart. Best of all, I. is a recipient of his smiles often and she is tickled beyond belief. Seeing his face light up when he looks at her in the morning warms my heart and now I can experience what mothers of more than one have been talking about.
V. has been gone most of this week which in one way is hard but in another way, is easier logistically. I don't have to worry that D. will wake up and need to be fed during the 2 hours that V. is home and awake. One night last week, V. got home at 7:30 and D. woke up at 8:15 hungry. I went upstairs grumpily and fed him but by the time I got done half an hour later, V. had turned off the tv and had gone to bed. I didn't blame him since he'd been up since 2:30am and was going to have to get up at 2:30 again, but I got teary anyways since I only got to see him for 45 minutes and then when I returned downstairs to the "party", noone was there. So in that way it's been easier. But I've missed him and I don't like how much stress he is under right now and how many hours he's been working. The girls are supposed to come down with him tonight but there is a chance that he won't get done with what he has been working on and will have to stay up there again tonight. Being that today is Friday, that would be a real bummer.
D. is up and crying for the second time in this afternoon nap. That damn gas is waking him up. Every time he passes gas, he wakes up and cries and may or may not go back to sleep. Resttime is almost over anyways for I. so I've got to stop anyways. Hopefully next posting will contain good news of an upward trend in sleep and a downward trend in fussiness!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Hanging In There
Two days later and I'm still standing so I guess that's success these days. Saturday, my nighttime survival plan consisted of putting D. in the sling and getting him to sleep as quickly as possible. Not so I could put him in his bed but so that I could carefully fall into mybed and get some sort of sleep or at the very least get off my feet. And it worked. I didn't get tons of sleep but more than the night before and I feel like I have a stop-gap measure in my arsenal for those bad nights.
Today I was reading another book. Yes, another book. I did the same thing with I. and took this and that from various books and tried it out. What worked for her doesn't necessarily work for D. so I have to reread and try out different things all over again. The name of the game during these fussy weeks/months is to compile various things in the arsenal so that I can try different things and not feel hopeless.
This afternoon, after a unsuccessful morning nap, I was reading as I was nursing and decided to try something that never worked for I., that is without a long screaming session. I nursed D. then snuggled him for 5 minutes and then told him "It's time to sleep", put him down with a pacifier, and left him sleepy but awake. This is where I. would have screamed bloody murder. D., being of different temperament, sucked and fell asleep for 2 hours. And 2 hours without any waking up and crying which is unusual. I thought the heavens opened up and the angels must have been singing. I tried it again tonight for bedtime and it didn't work quite as well but still pretty good. I soothed him once, put him down again, and then he cried off and on for about 30 minutes and then fell asleep. It's been a quiet 2 hours and soon I'll be heading to bed and hoping for the best.
I have to admit, I am so longing for a night when I can go to sleep in a room by myself without worrying or thinking about when I'll be woken up from a deep sleep. That will be such a luxury, I can't even imagine. I try to keep in mind that that will also mean the end of me having a newborn in the house, that is until I'm a grandparent. Isn't that how life always is? Something that I can dream about can have a bittersweet edge to it. I want so much to enjoy these days and at times I do. The intermittent smiles from D. light up my day, the time I spend eye to eye with him, talking to him and watching his funny faces - these are the times I cherish. Waking up from a deep, sound sleep and having to stay awake for 30-45 minutes and then hoping that I can go back to sleep soon afterwards - I don't cherish these times so much. I need to learn to keep perspective even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm in pain, even when I'm overwhelmed. That's the hard part. Sometimes I feel like a clown on crack - I'm just throwing up the balls of 2 fussy kids and hoping that I'll be in the right place to catch them. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not.
This clown on crack is heading to bed and hoping for a decent night.
Today I was reading another book. Yes, another book. I did the same thing with I. and took this and that from various books and tried it out. What worked for her doesn't necessarily work for D. so I have to reread and try out different things all over again. The name of the game during these fussy weeks/months is to compile various things in the arsenal so that I can try different things and not feel hopeless.
This afternoon, after a unsuccessful morning nap, I was reading as I was nursing and decided to try something that never worked for I., that is without a long screaming session. I nursed D. then snuggled him for 5 minutes and then told him "It's time to sleep", put him down with a pacifier, and left him sleepy but awake. This is where I. would have screamed bloody murder. D., being of different temperament, sucked and fell asleep for 2 hours. And 2 hours without any waking up and crying which is unusual. I thought the heavens opened up and the angels must have been singing. I tried it again tonight for bedtime and it didn't work quite as well but still pretty good. I soothed him once, put him down again, and then he cried off and on for about 30 minutes and then fell asleep. It's been a quiet 2 hours and soon I'll be heading to bed and hoping for the best.
I have to admit, I am so longing for a night when I can go to sleep in a room by myself without worrying or thinking about when I'll be woken up from a deep sleep. That will be such a luxury, I can't even imagine. I try to keep in mind that that will also mean the end of me having a newborn in the house, that is until I'm a grandparent. Isn't that how life always is? Something that I can dream about can have a bittersweet edge to it. I want so much to enjoy these days and at times I do. The intermittent smiles from D. light up my day, the time I spend eye to eye with him, talking to him and watching his funny faces - these are the times I cherish. Waking up from a deep, sound sleep and having to stay awake for 30-45 minutes and then hoping that I can go back to sleep soon afterwards - I don't cherish these times so much. I need to learn to keep perspective even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm in pain, even when I'm overwhelmed. That's the hard part. Sometimes I feel like a clown on crack - I'm just throwing up the balls of 2 fussy kids and hoping that I'll be in the right place to catch them. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not.
This clown on crack is heading to bed and hoping for a decent night.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Things Aren't So Good
Things have gotten really tough around here. D. has gotten more fussy and unpredictable with his sleep. I'll have 2 or 3 decent nights of sleep with decent meaning getting up twice a night but D. going back to sleep relatively quickly. Then I'll have a nightmare of a night like last night. He got up to eat at 12:45 but then wouldn't go back to sleep until 3:20. Not going back to sleep means I'm pacing the bedroom with him in a sling, practically falling asleep on my feet and knowing that I'm once again doing damage to my nether region. Finally at 3:20, he fell asleep enough that I could lie on the bed and pass out with him on me until 4:15 when I woke up with my body all contorted and placed him carefully in the crib next to me. I dropped back in bed exhausted and slept all of 45 minutes when he woke up to eat at 5:00. Thank God today was Saturday so I didn't have to get up with an alarm so after I finished feeding him and he fell asleep quickly, we slept from 5:45 to 8:00. But I am exhausted. Totally.
Right now, it's after 7pm and D. is upstairs screaming bloody murder. He should have fallen asleep at 4:30 but we got home from linner a little late and I didn't finish feeding him til 5:30. I knew this was probably not going to be good but V. keeps saying that if he stays up longer, he'll sleep longer. I know this not to be true. But we are trying to keep up the linner tradition and I thought it would be okay. I guess not because after I fed him, he fell asleep until I put him down. Then he immediately woke up. So V. got him and tried to put him to sleep to no avail which left me having to put him in the sling and walk around with him until he fell asleep again. I let him sleep for a little while to get through a sleep cycle but then when I put him down he woke up immediately and started crying. Thus, he's upstairs screaming.
I'm exhausted, my anxiety level is sky high because I feel like it's all up to me and if I can't do it, he doesn't sleep and this wicked cycle starts. I am stressed going to bed every night not knowing if I'm going to be up all night pacing torturously. There aren't many worse things for a new mom than feeding your kid and then watching the time to the next feeding ticking away as your baby screams and requires you to be up pacing. I feel like I'm losing my mind with this unpredictability of not knowing if I'm going to have 2 minutes to myself or 2 hours. I feel like as soon as I get him down, I'm anxiously holding my breath for him to be up crying AGAIN.
To add to it, and this may be TMI, I finally stopped bleeding for the past 2 days. Until this afternoon and it started again as well as some of the pain. Big surprise there.
So why don't I have V. help? Well, he can't do the feeding since I'm still trying to make sure I keep my milk production up. V. can't help during the night because he's up at 2:30 to start his 16 hour work day. V. is upstairs right now and D. has stopped crying so I assume he is rocking him in the rocking chair. The thing is that it's almost time to feed him again and there really hasn't been any time to myself. That is, relaxing, anxiety-free time to myself. This is exactly how it was with I. too and brings back the memory of sobbing down in the laundry room because it was the farthest place I could get from her without leaving the house.
I felt like I was a really good mom to one kid. I really don't feel like a good mom to two right now. Sometimes I can pull off the juggling routine but it's so hit and miss that even when it works decently, I feel like I should just chalk it up to luck, sheer dumb luck.
I am just hoping against hope that he sleeps longer tonight and that I'm not up all night because I will literally be a loon tomorrow. I pray every night and throughout the night that D. will go to sleep. Some nights it happens and obviously some nights it doesn't. I pray for all of our mental health sake's that it happens tonight.
Right now, it's after 7pm and D. is upstairs screaming bloody murder. He should have fallen asleep at 4:30 but we got home from linner a little late and I didn't finish feeding him til 5:30. I knew this was probably not going to be good but V. keeps saying that if he stays up longer, he'll sleep longer. I know this not to be true. But we are trying to keep up the linner tradition and I thought it would be okay. I guess not because after I fed him, he fell asleep until I put him down. Then he immediately woke up. So V. got him and tried to put him to sleep to no avail which left me having to put him in the sling and walk around with him until he fell asleep again. I let him sleep for a little while to get through a sleep cycle but then when I put him down he woke up immediately and started crying. Thus, he's upstairs screaming.
I'm exhausted, my anxiety level is sky high because I feel like it's all up to me and if I can't do it, he doesn't sleep and this wicked cycle starts. I am stressed going to bed every night not knowing if I'm going to be up all night pacing torturously. There aren't many worse things for a new mom than feeding your kid and then watching the time to the next feeding ticking away as your baby screams and requires you to be up pacing. I feel like I'm losing my mind with this unpredictability of not knowing if I'm going to have 2 minutes to myself or 2 hours. I feel like as soon as I get him down, I'm anxiously holding my breath for him to be up crying AGAIN.
To add to it, and this may be TMI, I finally stopped bleeding for the past 2 days. Until this afternoon and it started again as well as some of the pain. Big surprise there.
So why don't I have V. help? Well, he can't do the feeding since I'm still trying to make sure I keep my milk production up. V. can't help during the night because he's up at 2:30 to start his 16 hour work day. V. is upstairs right now and D. has stopped crying so I assume he is rocking him in the rocking chair. The thing is
I felt like I was a really good mom to one kid. I really don't feel like a good mom to two right now. Sometimes I can pull off the juggling routine but it's so hit and miss that even when it works decently, I feel like I should just chalk it up to luck, sheer dumb luck.
I am just hoping against hope that he sleeps longer tonight and that I'm not up all night because I will literally be a loon tomorrow. I pray every night and throughout the night that D. will go to sleep. Some nights it happens and obviously some nights it doesn't. I pray for all of our mental health sake's that it happens tonight.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Kindergarten Eve
...sigh...
The night before Kindergarten Eve and all through the house, a momma is trying not to cry. I've packed her nutritious snack with love and with care, and included a handwritten note and a drawing of us to somehow insert myself into the middle of her first day.
I wonder if having D. will make it easier but somehow I don't think so. Even as a new mom of two and realizing that I don't love one more than the other, there is something about sending your first child off to school. It's a first for both of us. I. is so excited. Her reading continues to improve daily and she has her outfit picked out for her first day. I remember how excited I was the day before school and how every year I had my first day outfit picked out. I will try to concentrate on her excitement instead of my sense of loss at least until she goes into the classroom.
It'll be the new normal but I wonder how long it will take me to grieve over not having I. here with me in the morning on a daily basis. Of course, parts will be nice. Being able to hopefully take a nap in during D.'s morning nap or having a quiet house to myself while he naps will be nice. But I will greatly miss my baby girl with her big personality and vast amount of words peppering my morning.
...sigh...
The night before Kindergarten Eve and all through the house, a momma is trying not to cry. I've packed her nutritious snack with love and with care, and included a handwritten note and a drawing of us to somehow insert myself into the middle of her first day.
I wonder if having D. will make it easier but somehow I don't think so. Even as a new mom of two and realizing that I don't love one more than the other, there is something about sending your first child off to school. It's a first for both of us. I. is so excited. Her reading continues to improve daily and she has her outfit picked out for her first day. I remember how excited I was the day before school and how every year I had my first day outfit picked out. I will try to concentrate on her excitement instead of my sense of loss at least until she goes into the classroom.
It'll be the new normal but I wonder how long it will take me to grieve over not having I. here with me in the morning on a daily basis. Of course, parts will be nice. Being able to hopefully take a nap in during D.'s morning nap or having a quiet house to myself while he naps will be nice. But I will greatly miss my baby girl with her big personality and vast amount of words peppering my morning.
...sigh...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Spittin' Mad or Just Plain Hurt
Yesterday was a rough day in a couple of ways. First of all, D. was extra fussy from the morning all the way til midnight. Lots of patience, lots of boob. As a result of the lots of boob and the way D. nurses, one of my nipples is so bruised and sore that latching him on sends me to the moon and not in a good way. I've spent some time tonight watching latching videos to try to remedy this because I am in pain. Hopefully, I can put the info tips to good use and fix this sooner rather than later.
The other part of yesterday that was also out of my control. V.'s exwife's older sister was in town to visit her son who just moved here this month. The whole family is from New York and he went to school with this sister so he invited her and her son over for a BBQ at our place. I was totally cool with that. Then his exwife says she is going to drive down with the girls and come to the BBQ. Okay, so that's a little weird kind of, but okay.
So here is how the disaster began. I. was so looking forward to her sisters coming over and patience in a 5 year old is very limited resulting in her asking constantly, "When are they coming?" Well they piled in an hour and a half late and when they piled in, there wasn't 5 of them, there were 8 people. On top of that, they pile into my home and the people I haven't met before don't bother to say hello to me or introduce themselves so I know who the hell they are.
Then they had brought a container of margaritas that I didn't even know about and proceeded to pour them out for everyone of the age except for me since I was upstairs with D. But when I came down no one still offered me any or had poured me one for when I came back downstairs. V. and I proceeded to work our butts off even though I wasn't supposed to be doing anything on my feet to help with healing. I didn't mind helping V. but it was just annoying to me that no one even offered to help. They just sat there drinking and talking with each other, not even including us in the convo. I mean, I don't expect my guests to work but come on, I just had a kid so an offer would have been appreciated.
Now everyone was eating and socializing. I on the other hand, was feeding I. dinner, then feeding D, grabbing I. for bath and bed, then switching to get D. for bath. It was kind of ridiculous. I hadn't eaten lunch because they were supposed to be there at 2pm and now I'm not even getting dinner. Everyone else was having fun and I'm like the fucking nanny (after being sous chef), running around taking care of the kids while all the adults have fun. It sucked. And it hurt. Part of me being upstairs with the kids was because when I was downstairs, I was basically ignored and it made me so uncomfortable. I felt like I was on V.'s team helping him with preparation and such and then he just ditched me. I didn't expect him to be doing the kid duties since this was his social circle of people. What I did expect was for him to pour me a margarita and make sure there was a plate of food for me to eat. You know, take care of me. Look out for me since I was having to look out for our kids and put them first.
Then after I went upstairs with D. everyone took off without saying goodbye even though I was just down there to get D. It was just so disappointing to me because I really was looking forward to the party at least for the entertainment value. I had even thought up some questions to ask since I tend to get tonguetied with people I don't know. And to be treated and excluded like the hired help in my own home was beyond hurtful.
As I sat on the ground, chewing on the leftovers for my dinner, I told V. how I felt because although he had figured out I was upset, he didn't know why. I think he got it but true to form, he found it difficult to physically comfort me (a hug, a kiss) or to verbally acknowledge it and empathize with me. He didn't disagree with me though so I know he knew what I said was true. And later on, when I was tearing up, he told D. "Let's go sit next to Mommy." and he moved over and sat down up against me which is unusual. That made me feel better but still the hurt lingers. I know it touched something deep down from high school times and something that continues to plague me.
Let's just say that I can see why V. is no longer married to the exwife. Her and her sister may be entertaining in an obnoxious way but the selfishness, self-centeredness, and no consideration for anyone else is very evident. Being married to that would be exhausting and you would have to constantly be looking out for yourself because they certainly wouldn't.
Well, had to get that out so I can move on. Now I need to relax and get ready for the last feeding of D. Hopefully tonight will be uneventful and I will get some sleep.
The other part of yesterday that was also out of my control. V.'s exwife's older sister was in town to visit her son who just moved here this month. The whole family is from New York and he went to school with this sister so he invited her and her son over for a BBQ at our place. I was totally cool with that. Then his exwife says she is going to drive down with the girls and come to the BBQ. Okay, so that's a little weird kind of, but okay.
So here is how the disaster began. I. was so looking forward to her sisters coming over and patience in a 5 year old is very limited resulting in her asking constantly, "When are they coming?" Well they piled in an hour and a half late and when they piled in, there wasn't 5 of them, there were 8 people. On top of that, they pile into my home and the people I haven't met before don't bother to say hello to me or introduce themselves so I know who the hell they are.
Then they had brought a container of margaritas that I didn't even know about and proceeded to pour them out for everyone of the age except for me since I was upstairs with D. But when I came down no one still offered me any or had poured me one for when I came back downstairs. V. and I proceeded to work our butts off even though I wasn't supposed to be doing anything on my feet to help with healing. I didn't mind helping V. but it was just annoying to me that no one even offered to help. They just sat there drinking and talking with each other, not even including us in the convo. I mean, I don't expect my guests to work but come on, I just had a kid so an offer would have been appreciated.
Now everyone was eating and socializing. I on the other hand, was feeding I. dinner, then feeding D, grabbing I. for bath and bed, then switching to get D. for bath. It was kind of ridiculous. I hadn't eaten lunch because they were supposed to be there at 2pm and now I'm not even getting dinner. Everyone else was having fun and I'm like the fucking nanny (after being sous chef), running around taking care of the kids while all the adults have fun. It sucked. And it hurt. Part of me being upstairs with the kids was because when I was downstairs, I was basically ignored and it made me so uncomfortable. I felt like I was on V.'s team helping him with preparation and such and then he just ditched me. I didn't expect him to be doing the kid duties since this was his social circle of people. What I did expect was for him to pour me a margarita and make sure there was a plate of food for me to eat. You know, take care of me. Look out for me since I was having to look out for our kids and put them first.
Then after I went upstairs with D. everyone took off without saying goodbye even though I was just down there to get D. It was just so disappointing to me because I really was looking forward to the party at least for the entertainment value. I had even thought up some questions to ask since I tend to get tonguetied with people I don't know. And to be treated and excluded like the hired help in my own home was beyond hurtful.
As I sat on the ground, chewing on the leftovers for my dinner, I told V. how I felt because although he had figured out I was upset, he didn't know why. I think he got it but true to form, he found it difficult to physically comfort me (a hug, a kiss) or to verbally acknowledge it and empathize with me. He didn't disagree with me though so I know he knew what I said was true. And later on, when I was tearing up, he told D. "Let's go sit next to Mommy." and he moved over and sat down up against me which is unusual. That made me feel better but still the hurt lingers. I know it touched something deep down from high school times and something that continues to plague me.
Let's just say that I can see why V. is no longer married to the exwife. Her and her sister may be entertaining in an obnoxious way but the selfishness, self-centeredness, and no consideration for anyone else is very evident. Being married to that would be exhausting and you would have to constantly be looking out for yourself because they certainly wouldn't.
Well, had to get that out so I can move on. Now I need to relax and get ready for the last feeding of D. Hopefully tonight will be uneventful and I will get some sleep.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I'm Still Standing
I'm still standing...yeah, yeah, yeah Remember that Elton John song from long ago?!
I didn't want to leave things like they were in my last post and give the impression that I might have jumped off the roof in the meantime. You know, I almost made a joke to the NP at my doctor's appointment this week in response to her questions, "How are things going? How are you?" That day I was just so beaten down tired on no sleep and pain that I could feel the hysteria rising in me. I thought about responding, "Well, I didn't check myself into Mesa Vista on the way here so that's something." For those of you who have not experienced depression or lunacy, you may not know what Mesa Vista is. It's the Sharp Healthcare version of the looney bin, at least that's what it seemed like when I was there many many moons ago. But considering how ragged I probably appeared and that my depression history was probably in my chart, I didn't think I had better make that joke to a member of the medical community at this point in time. Probably a smart move.
Thankfully, the next night provided 6 hours of total sleep so I was in much better shape to start the day off. Plus I was able to get an hour long nap in the afternoon which was really good since V. was out of town overnight and I was going to be the lone wolf on duty for the first time as a momma of two. We made it through and without too much chaos. The only real struggle was last night. I got D. down for bed after his last feeding at 11pm, went to sleep to be awoken at 1:45 for another chow session. No problem except that I noticed his eyes were wide open at the end of it at 2:20 which did not bode well especially since my head kept falling forward as I was passing out with sleep. He ended up not going back to sleep until 3:45 and it was torture, to put it mildly.
On the plus side, since he went to sleep so late in the middle of the night, he didn't wake up again until 7:45 so I was able to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It seems that surviving the early days with a newborn is about noticing and celebrating the littlest of things and focusing on the upside. That and keeping a sense of humor and knowing when not to make sarcastic jokes...
I didn't want to leave things like they were in my last post and give the impression that I might have jumped off the roof in the meantime. You know, I almost made a joke to the NP at my doctor's appointment this week in response to her questions, "How are things going? How are you?" That day I was just so beaten down tired on no sleep and pain that I could feel the hysteria rising in me. I thought about responding, "Well, I didn't check myself into Mesa Vista on the way here so that's something." For those of you who have not experienced depression or lunacy, you may not know what Mesa Vista is. It's the Sharp Healthcare version of the looney bin, at least that's what it seemed like when I was there many many moons ago. But considering how ragged I probably appeared and that my depression history was probably in my chart, I didn't think I had better make that joke to a member of the medical community at this point in time. Probably a smart move.
Thankfully, the next night provided 6 hours of total sleep so I was in much better shape to start the day off. Plus I was able to get an hour long nap in the afternoon which was really good since V. was out of town overnight and I was going to be the lone wolf on duty for the first time as a momma of two. We made it through and without too much chaos. The only real struggle was last night. I got D. down for bed after his last feeding at 11pm, went to sleep to be awoken at 1:45 for another chow session. No problem except that I noticed his eyes were wide open at the end of it at 2:20 which did not bode well especially since my head kept falling forward as I was passing out with sleep. He ended up not going back to sleep until 3:45 and it was torture, to put it mildly.
On the plus side, since he went to sleep so late in the middle of the night, he didn't wake up again until 7:45 so I was able to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. It seems that surviving the early days with a newborn is about noticing and celebrating the littlest of things and focusing on the upside. That and keeping a sense of humor and knowing when not to make sarcastic jokes...
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