Missing the Hubby

This is a picture from the hubby's birthday dinner that we sneaked out for last week.  We really had a good time.  Now I'm missing him big time.  I have gotten used to him being around at least part of the week.  Even on the nights when he can't make it home for bath or bedtime with the kids, at least I know he'll be around for the evening and that brings me comfort.  This week beginning today (Sunday) he's over in Florida and next week he'll be in San Francisco and Dallas.

It's funny how you get accustomed to what you have to.  I mean I survived V. being in Saudi Arabia for a month or more at a time for 18 months total and I'm having a hard time with him being gone for a week at a time?

The fact is though that we are in a different place, a very different place, than we were during the Saudi Arabia time.  Those were dark times for both of us - going through a work separation that we didn't anticipate nor wanted plus making it through Mark's death.  It was just bad all around.  But we made it, barely it seemed at times.  We came back stronger, more aware of what we could have lost, more thankful for what we still had.

And then our little surprise made itself known.  And that led to another major surprise that it was a boy.  The healing began in baby steps but still there was the stress of how this would change our family, going from just I. to another, would V. be around at all unlike with I., and would I be able to handle 2 kids at a time.  Then D. arrived and the miracles began.  A miracle that he was able to be born as I had hoped for, that he was safe and healthy despite his traumatic arrival, and as we got to know him, that he truly was the "completer" of our family.  He not only completes V. and I kids-wise, he touches something in I. and her little heart swells whenever she sees him.  We are so blessed.

This baby has brought a new tender sweetness to V. and I's relationship.  V. and I are both strong, independent, capable individuals.  He can go away and know that I will be okay - our family and home will be okay.  But one of the best parts of "us" is that we have always been that one person for each other to whom we can just lay our defenses down, not guard ourselves and feel safe.  We know we can survive on our own but we don't want to.  Since D. has been here, giving him a bath together before he gets nursed and put to bed, is a really special time for us to share.  Of course I enjoy giving him a bath even if it's by myself but when V. is here, it adds an additional level of feeding of my soul.  We are experiencing it together and are creating shared memories that we will be able to look back on and smile.  With the hours V. works, this is not a given and I don't take it for granted.

Just another reason why I'm missing the hubby...

Refrigerated Thoughts

I just finished cleaning and organizing the fridge and freezer, something I've put off forever. While I was doing it, I thought about the age old argument between working women and stay at home moms. Many working women think stay at home moms do nothing all day, let alone something substantial, and that they are letting their minds go to pot causing them to become boring individuals who have nothing to add to a conversation that doesn't revolve around their children. Instead of making me angry, it just makes me sad for these women and their present and/or future children. Nurturing a baby, shaping a child's character and just being there for a child's firsts, joys, sadnesses, and disappointments is not "doing nothing". It is pure joy if you live in the moment, appreciate the little things and keep perspective on how quickly time passes and one day I will be alone and able to do whatever I want to do and I have a feeling that I'll be very sad that these days are over.

Yes, cleaning the fridge is not exciting. No one is going to hand me a paycheck for it, promote me to a better, more prestigious job, or probably even acknowledge it with a pat on the back (though I may get a pat on the butt from V.). That doesn't matter. What matters is that I enjoy making a nice nest for my children and husband, a place where we are all safe and loved, a place where we can hide from the dog eat dog work world, the kindergarten world where you learn that not everyone is kind to you, and the 5 month old world where everything is new, semi-bewildering, and often overwhelming. We all need a safe place to land and that is the reason for everything I do right now in life.

Am I looking out for number one (myself) anymore? Certainly not and thank God. I did that enough in my single days and it was pretty empty after awhile. Lots of freedom and lots of simplicity but at the end of the day, I was certainly much more unhappy then than I am now. I like that I get ready in the morning before taking I. to school and I don't look in a mirror until I've gotten them in the bed and am getting in the shower. To me that's a good sign of a meaningful life and no, I didn't look like something the cat dragged in all day. I take pride in how I look, I just don't have the time to dwell on myself. I'd much rather look into my childrens' eyes and watch their facial expression as they look at something, than look at myself. I know what I look like, I want to memorize their little faces now before they change.

I love this saying because it is so true and snaps me back into perspective when I feel myself getting frustrated with kid situations: "The days are long, but the years are short." Isn't that the truth!

Breastfeeding blessings

If you have ever breastfed a baby, you'll probably get what I am going to say. There is just something, especially after a 4-5 hour break, about putting a little human being onto your breast as their mouth is hungrily searching for you and having them begin drinking in the nourishment that keeps them alive. Every night at D.'s twilight feeding I experience this protective feeling and a sense of wonder that my body can sustain a baby, not just in utero but "out" utero too. Makes me really thankful that I got to experience it once again.

Day Off

I. had today off from school and we enjoyed our time together. On days that she doesn't have school, she is much more easy going, able to entertain herself for periods of time, creative, and cheerful. Basically, she's more fun to be around and requires much less emotion energy and patience. What's odd is that it's still a different vibe than on weekends, another time she doesn't have school. It must be Daddy's presence - it elicits new and different demands on her part and probably results in additional emotions and needs generated by him being home. We had a good day with the morning spent getting stuff done (ie. laundry, chiropractor etc.) and the afternoon being more play time. We got panninis at Vons for a special lunch treat since I had to go and get some coldcuts for V., came home and ate them, and then I got D. down for a nap. Even though it was supershort (35 min.), we were able to play a game the whole time and that was fun. Then I surprised her by taking her for frozen yogurt which is a special treat for both of us. An interesting tidbit came out while we were talking today. I know she loves school which is great but today she said that she looks at the clock all the time while she's in school looking to see if it's time to come home because she wants to come home. I never would have guessed that. I mean she is excited when I pick her up from school but she's also really excited in the morning when she's walking into class. Yet now that I think about it, although she has never been clingy, we always stand close to each other during the morning pledges and without fail, she gives me a big hug and kiss when it's time to walk in. She appears outwardly to be perfectly happy to be going to school and I think in most ways she probably is but inside I am beginning to suspect that part of her really does miss me, though she won't admit it often. I'll have to keep this new knowledge in mind.

Things I Learned Today

1. My daughter is a turtle, soft on the inside and tough on the outside. I know, don't say it, she's just like me. Probably even worse considering V.'s issues with showing emotion. V. got home late last night so didn't leave until 6:15am for work (very very late for him) and I. was waving by to him from her bedroom window. I called him on the phone while he was in the garage to get him to come back since I was up with D. and racing to get down there to say goodbye (for a change). V. came back in and I., D. and I went traipsing downstairs to give him a hug etc. when I noticed something glistening on I.'s cheek. When I asked what it was, all hell broke loose. Turns out that she had been crying while she was waving goodbye to V. earlier before I called him and we all ran down there. So this triggered major crying, sobbing and sadness all before 6:30am. V. had to run so I consoled I. and then cheered her up by having D. grab on her back with his little hand. That always can make a person feel better. While he and she hung out and I was getting ready for the day, I thought long and hard about how she hates to show those tough emotions - sadness, disappointment etc. When I went upstairs to fix her hair and get D., I talked with her about how God created emotions and whatever God creates is good, right? She agreed so I moved on with how there are emotions that make us feel good and ones that hurt but they are all okay because God gave them to us. So it's okay to cry and feel sad and it's okay to show it, much better than holding it in and feeling tight inside. The way I explained it, I think she got it, at least I think she did. 2. My son is turning into a chow hound and I'm happy about it. Last Saturday we started oatmeal, one big whole tablespoon of it. After 4 days of that, we moved on to avocado. I mean, if I'm trying to get meat on this kid's bones what better way than a super nutrient dense, fat avocado and it is listed on one of the best first foods. From the get-go, D. was all over avocado - loved it, lip smacking and everything. Today was day 3 of avocado and after the first cube of it was gone and he realized that was it, he started crying. Not to mention that he was almost bent in half trying to get closer to the spoon. So I gave him another cube that he also devoured and then finished up with another tablespoon of oatmeal. All this in addition to the same amount of breastfeedings, I'm liking it. We'll see what morning weigh-in is tomorrow... 3. I'm pretty modest but I'm also a second time mother and I had no problem breastfeeding D. in the outdoor eating area of the UTC mall today. Nothing was showing really but it kind of made me laugh. 4. If I want D. to take a long morning nap, all I have to do is make plans for the morning after he wakes up. You've heard of the saying "Man makes plans and God laughs."? Well this is my version "Mommy makes plans and D. naps."

My Boys

Yesterday morning, I began my day in bed with my baby boy in nothing but his diaper. We snuggled under the covers as I used my body heat to warm his little body. As I fed his body, our togetherness fed my soul.

Yesterday evening, I ended the day in bed with my big boy (V.) in nothing but his briefs. We snuggled under the covers, using our body heat to warm each other up. Our togetherness fed my soul.

 It was a good day all around with my boys.

Good Family Time

Playing catch-up here...lots of stuff, lots of good stuff.

On Christmas Eve, it was comforting to have all the kids under one roof. Christmas morning was a little rushed, trying to get their presents opened before V. and the girls had to leave at 8:45am to get them home but it was okay. The rest of the day was spent at my parents' house and it was nice and drama-free. There was some stress surrounding the dinner but aside from that, it was good.

I. stayed at my parents Sunday night thru Wednesday afternoon so it was just V, D, and I on Monday and then just D. and I Tuesday and Wednesday. That (just D. and I) was a first since at Thanksgiving when I. stayed at my parents', V. was home for those days. It gave me a chance to just be on his schedule for a change and it made for simple days which was a real treat. When he was awake, I could just lounge with him, play with him, be silly with him and do some errands just he and I. It was really nice to be able to give him that time instead of feeling as though I was just alternately loading him into the car and crib all day long.

The day after I. got home, we headed for Idyllwild. For the first time, we did not have to worry about snow, ice, or sleet which was kind of bizarre but really very nice. I. was a little disappointed that there wasn't snow to play in but we really had a good time up there. I was telling V. that I think that this year was our best Idyllwild trip ever, including when it was just he and I. When it was just the two of us, it was a completely different trip. Though fun, we tended to return from it more tired than when we went up due to our "work hard, play hard" mentality. Then with just I. when she was little, we had to take turns entertaining her and it sometimes didn't feel like that much of a vacation.

This year though was different for a few different reasons. One, I. is now old enough that the games that entertain her are entertaining for adults (ie. card, video and board games plus hard puzzles) so it was fun to play with her for long periods of time. Two, with I. in school now, we don't have a lot of time to just play. That was one thing so nice about her Christmas vacation...the time we had to just hang out, cook, talk, take walks, and play together. When she was home all day, every day, playing with her in Idyllwild didn't feel as special as it did this year. Third, with two kids, V. and I had to work as a team and take turns and it worked out well. V. would play with D. giving me time to be with I. one on one and then V. also would get time to play with I. when D. was taking a nap or if I took a walk with him to extend a nap. In the evening, V. and I would get to relax, reading (me) and watching tv together. I know that doesn't sound that exciting but it was nice to just be able to hang out together and because V. had gotten some rest, he didn't fall asleep until it was actually time for bed.

One pro and con was that D. was in a separate bedroom instead of being in a closet. Yes, that's right, D. sleeps in our walk-in closet. Until he sleeps thru the night on a regular basis, he cannot go into I.'s room so the only semi-private option is the closet. Because he was in a separate room, I had to rely on the monitor which broadcast every fart, snort, and snuffle directly in my ear until I figured out where to put the doggone thing. Still it led to many nighttime wakings. On the pro side, I was able to read a book in bed until I was sleepy which I haven't been able to do since the night of August 4th.

Now it's back to the school day grind. No more going back to sleep at 6:30 til 7:30 after feeding D. to get that extra hour. And it sounds like after tomorrow, I won't see V. until Saturday morning. A hard reentry but I'm thankful for a really nice family vacation.