It's Been Awhile

Many reasons for not posting for so long - error issues when I would try to post on the computer, life's business, and a lot of just trying to keep my head above water.

For now I just want to make sure I capture the memory of walking into D.'s room at my bedtime to check on him. If he went to sleep quickly to put 2 books by his bed and 2 cars in his bed for morning playtime. and him waking up and greeting me with a high pitched, happy greeting of "hi" in the middle of his night, still happy to see me.  After putting his cars in bed, I stroke his curls and tell him good night and that I love him.

And as I walk out he whispers, "I love you too."

💖💕💖💕💖

3rd Birthday Eve

I've been reading my doula's account of D.'s birth story and it takes me right back to those moments.  I remember exactly how I felt, what I was thinking and what was being said to me.  I remember the "oh shit" moment when the doctor came in to give the "we might have to do a C-section" speech to me and how I ignored her and just concentrated on what was happening and 10 minutes later was at the point of pushing which negated her C-section issue. 

I read on and am amazed that I pushed for 2 1/2 hours.  I would think I would have given up by that point.  But I was determined to have you come out naturally, that had been my goal for 9 months and because of that I was focused.  I lined up the doula to increase my chances and V. was right there helping this time around.  Last time was disappointing but this time around he was a champ, encouraging me, pressing my lower back as hard as he could with every contraction to help with my pain, and fanning me in between contractions because I was so DAMN hot.

Such great memories and I revisited the high points with D. while I was rocking him at bedtime.  He totally got it because he loved hearing about what we all thought of him when we first met him and afterwards he snuggled up tightly to my chest and when I put him in the crib, he spontaneously gave me big hugs and insisted on giving me kisses instead of the other way around.  I also talked with I. about when she first met her brother and held him and it brought back nice, loving and maternal feelings to her.

A good way to end today.

Better Settled

Where has the month gone?  The last few weeks have been so jam packed with this and that that they literally flew by.  I. finished her school year off fantastically and impressed all (and her momma to tears) with her perseverance and refusal to give up.  It was nice to see the positive side of that character trait instead of experiencing the challenging side of it raising her. 

V. and I snuck in a daytime movie before the follow up mammogram/ultrasound and thankfully, not only did the impromptu daytime date turn out nicely so did the testing.  All clear!

My back is doing great after my three shock wave therapy treatments and I'm so happy about that.  I had about two weeks of respite from any migraines and finger bumps but they have returned this past week.  Almost every day I get a migraine though a minor one compared to the old days but still enough to sometimes need to take medication for it.  It's accompanied by swollen glands, a drippy nose and just feeling run down.  Frustrating and trying to figure out the next step to stop it.

D. is amazing just like his sister.  He's memorized an entire book...Little Blue Truck Leads the Way.  It's not a short book and has a lot of verses but he can say them just by looking at the pictures.  His vocabulary and pronunciation is great for his age (especially a boy from what I see) and I think it's because of his learning style.  Every time he asks something and I answer or even if I just answer, he's always recited back exactly what I've said word for word, slowly like he's really digesting it.  Obviously he has been digesting it because he's not even three yet and today he said, "I saw the engine of a car because it was open.  I've never seen the engine of a car before."  I can tell that he's not only going to be a smart kid, he's going to be a feeling kid and wear his feelings on his sleeve.  The good thing is that he allows me to comfort him with snuggling, talking, and singing and that helps him get through it and back to his happy self.  This is still a struggle with I. and it's hard for me not to take it personally or harden my heart when I go to her to hug her and she pushes me away and says no.

More stuff to post about but need to head to bed now.

Not Settled Yet

I was hoping that this post would be more settled down and calmer than my last one.  I guess in some ways it is but in other ways, definitely not.  What is interesting is that the same topic that has settled down is a similar topic to what has become unsettled.  What a riddle.

After months of agonizing back pain and three decades of nagging chronic back pain, I am thankfully pain free thanks to a treatment called shock wave therapy.  Sounds scary but it's not.  I've always done chiropractic care for maintenance but after this last horrendous back injury, I was still in lingering burning pain after my adjustments plus many PT appointments.  I was really concerned about summer time activities with the kiddos that involved any kind of walking since that seemed to be a huge problem for my back.   Well, three treatments of this new treatment which took about three minutes a pop and not only have I been able to hoof it around with D. in a stroller at both LEGOLAND and Wild Animal Park, my everyday back pain is gone.  No tightness, no twinges, no aches, no pain!  That is such a huge thing in my daily life.

My mystery skin rash and migraines have settled down quite a bit though not completely.  The skin part of it is under control and not flaring up terribly but it's still there.  I can live with that.  The migraine part is puzzling but seems to be down to one a week.  I guess I can live with that as well.

A few weeks ago I had to get my annual checkup and a mammogram done.  The last thing I said to my mom who was babysitting D. was, "I really wish I didn't have to get this mammogram done since this year has not been a good health news year."  So why was I surprised when I got a call saying I needed to go to the hospital for a second mammogram and ultrasound?  Worse was that when I reexamined the area, I do feel something in there and so did V.  Logistically, things worked out pretty well in that D. was already going to my parents house for a day/night so that V. and I could attend an important school event for I. and that day is when the first opening was for my appointments.  So I didn't have to tell my parents which I didn't want to do because they have so much depressing things going on to worry about.  I want them to enjoy D. and their time with him which is special because usually I. is there and as the oldest and a female, she commands a lot of attention! 

So I'm tense to say the least.  Trying not to "go there" which is hard when I look at my kids and think how young they are and what if?  It's also hard to be nonchalant when I was telling I. tonight about how V. would pick her up from school and take her to eat before coming to pick up Mommy at the hospital.  She's a very smart kid and very perceptive so I really had to feel what I was saying and not even try to fake it.  There's no sense in giving her something to worry about when she tends to be a worrier anyways.  I will be praying hard that everything is okay and that I. will do fantastic in her school event tomorrow morning.  Here's to praying for a great day tomorrow!

Swirling

So much swirling about.  A fire that threatened security and resulted in a packed car just in case for the next few days.  A visit to Phoenix that may have helped the kids but made V.'s long term work a reality.  A trade off between agonizing back pain to lingering intermittent back pain accompanied by a possible auto immune blood disease that may raise its ugly head again just after getting over it a mere month ago.  A long text conversation with an old friend that gave hope for reconnection yet followed by silence.  Trying to help I. deal with the big emotional swings of V. being gone during the week and coming home on weekends.  Translation:  Monday thru Friday is fine but weekends she turns into a unsatisfied, unhappy person who wants nothing but Daddy leading to many miserable moments throughout the weekend.  Couple all this with V.'s reticence during weekends or at the few family events with my parents and my frustration multiplies.  It's been a lot to handle...A LOT TO HANDLE.

But surrounding these moments are me laughing at the fact that I. started a club at school with who she feels is the mean girl of the class and that club is the "Talk about how you're feeling" group.  Being that she doesn't talk about her feelings, I found this remarkable.  And with D. singing "I'm so happy" while in the crib and in the car at the top of his lungs...how can you not smile and love that.  Don't get me wrong, he's 2 and the defiance and grumpiness can really rear its ugly head and make me feel like I'm living in the land of "NO".  But if it's just he and I, we're safely in the land of "I'm so happy", we sing it at the top of our lungs, give kisses, and show each other our open mouth's of food.  Shhh....don't tell anyone.

Sanctify the Ordinary

Read a quote of Jack Canfield's last week and it still resonates with me.

"Sanctify the ordinary."

If I had to list what I do during a weekday, at first glance someone may think, "Wow, it's kind of the same every day.  How mundane!"  And if I was just looking at my day from the viewpoint of what I got "done", I'd have to agree. 

But within all the ordinary of my day (and there is a lot of it) are the truly joyful moments that will be memories I cherish.  Listening to Dominic singing "Hey Soul Sister" in the backseat, watching his little face light up when I look him in the eyes and tell him I love him, sitting next to Isabella at night reading aloud some of my favorite childhood books, and the three of us happily pulling weeds in our very own veggie garden in the late afternoon.  These are the beautiful moments that sanctify my ordinary.

Hard Times

I want to capture these memories of D.  He got his first band aid on his forehead thanks to splitting his forehead on the corner of a stool.  He calls this a "ba-boo".  Next, he likes to announce daily routines such as, "After sleepie-sleepie, I eat the fruita downstairs."  He requires that you repeat back what he says to ensure you understand.  He's all about music.  He loves his music class and picks up lyrics and notes of favorite songs on the radio.  He sings along and recognizes tunes without lyrics.  He may be the next American Idol for all I know.  This boy knows his cars (bat-bats).  While we are driving, he can point out cars which are the same model as my car, Daddy's car and Bubbi and Bobbi's car even if they are a different color.  Pretty observant and impressive.

My back was injured back on February 6th.  That's why I haven't posted.  Suffered greatly for a month until I insisted on an MRI which came back with two herniated discs, one of which is pushing on a few nerve roots.  Yes and that's exactly what it feels like.  Extreme pain...nose running, eye watering pain and this from someone who made it through 30 hours of labor med-free with 3 hours of pushing.  At least there was a reward at the end and I knew it would end sometime.  This pain has been over a month, 24/7, making my D. feel upset because I couldn't hold him like I normally do.  That's when I got mad and started demanding that something start happening to fix this.  Enough is enough.  I won my primary care doctor over and she and I have been working together to try to move things along for pain relief and ultimate healing.  It's going to be an uphill battle with the insurance climate these days but I'm cautiously hopeful.

On a very sad note, a long time friend of mine's wife died this week from pancreatic cancer.  We used to be so close but for the last couple of years it's truly been hit or miss.  I understood that he had a lot going on  but when someone says they'll call me right back when I call on their birthday and they don't call for 5 months, something's up.  To put things in perspective, this guy was my best friend back in the day and even after I. was born, we would meet every so often for coffee to catch up.  However, his wife was diagnosed with cancer right at the same time D. was born - the last time we saw each other was 2 months before he was born.  When I would talk to him, he'd say we have to get together for coffee/lunch but it never happened.  D. will be 3 this year and neither of my 2 remaining guy friends has ever met him.  Kind of hurts.  But I got off on my own tangent while the point was that my friend lost his wife tragically.  Their youngest boy is graduating from high school in June.  It just makes me so sad for their sons and for my friend.  I'll send them a card and say a prayer for them.