A Christmas Night Of Sorts

Santa came to our house today in the form of V. I surprised I. with the news that we were picking up Daddy at the airport this morning and I. ran circles around the living room, she was that excited. We got all dressed up and made sure we had our balloon for Daddy.



We were so excited and a little overwhelmed when Daddy appeared but by the time we made it to baggage claim, we were feeling more normal.

A valuable life lesson - everything will be okay as long as you can hold your Daddy's hand...



Finishing up our first day together....




Right now, our house is happy, healthy, content, and complete. What more could I possibly ask for? My answer - absolutely nothing!

The Night Before

So tomorrow morning, I. and I will be going to the airport to pick V. up. We haven't seen him since the 5th so we're really excited. Or rather, I am since I didn't tell I. it was going to be tomorrow because I just KNOW that she'd be up at 4am ready to go. However, we did buy a balloon to take to the airport. Why you ask? Well, we got a book at the library that I. really identified with and enjoyed about a little boy waiting for his daddy to come back from work after a really long time. It was military but I made it work. So we've been talking about getting a balloon when V. is coming home that she can hold so that he can find her. It really is kind of heart wrenching but it's good too. So tomorrow morning is going to be like a Christmas morning of sorts and we'll enjoy it.

This morning we dropped off an early birthday present to Mark. He's in quarantine right now because the chemo has ruined his immune system and any exposure to sickness could land him in the hospital. In light of the fact that he is beginning to feel hunger again, we packed him up a box of fresh fruit and some soft veggies (everything still has to pass thru the tube to come out) and wrapped it up in some festive birthday wrapping paper. The rest of his cool gifts will have to wait until he's better and we're better too (we have been/still are sick over here). Looking forward to seeing his face light up with the other presents. More about that later...

The Lint in My Belly Button

I haven't posted for awhile because I've been trying to crawl out of a hole, at least that's what it's felt like. A hole formed by sadness and negative thoughts along with a big dose of a delay in V. coming back from Saudi Arabia. A perfect trifecta of sorts if you will.

I have been pondering why it is that I am having such a hard time with V. being gone when I used to live happily by myself all the time. Over this week, I've come up with a couple of reasons. First, before V. I didn't have that intimate connection to someone so I didn't miss it. In fact, if I did date someone it was usually for a very short time because I didn't want to be around them, I looked forward to being by myself. Well, since V. I enjoy his company and I miss not having him here to share my weird humorous comments that only he would understand and enjoy. Basically, if you don't have it, you don't miss it. Secondly, back in my single days, if I was feeling lonely especially at night, I would take myself somewhere - a movie, a restaurant armed with a good book, or drive along the beach listening to music. Now, with I., I can't do that when I'm sad and lonely at night - my day out ends at 3:15 so I have to keep myself distracted successfully or not so successfully and plod along through the rough patches. Here's the funny thing though, I don't want the company, I just want V.

Which brings me to the next thing I've been thinking about, along with the lint in my belly button, which is how this post is beginning to sound. I finally was able to sync up my schedule with a mom's group I belong to and make it to 2 events last week. The second event went pretty well as there were some moms there that I feel relatively comfortable with and therefore, could have some conversation with. But the first one, oh my goodness. For most of the time, I felt like I was at a wedding where I didn't really know anyone and the more awkward I felt, the less I talked and interacted. It seemed as though there were expectations of me to talk and interact and the more I tried, the blanker my mind went and I really just wanted to go home and be by myself. It's a vicious circle...

My tenative conclusion after all this pondering is that I need to just accept the fact that yes I am struggling right now, let myself be and stop beating myself up. Easier said than done especially when I feel like apologizing for being such a lousy conversationalist and vow to be better. But you know what, I don't need to apologize to anyone. I'm doing the best I can surrounded by some really sad, out of my control circumstances and the only thing I need to concentrate on each day is I., making sure that she feels loved and secure despite her own sadness over V. being gone. At the end of the day, that should be the measure of the day's success and if I've accomplished that, well then I've done my job well. I'll think I'll leave my loftier goals for another day when the deck doesn't seem so stacked against me and for now, just narrow my focus and keep my head above water.

A Shining Example

This morning I. and I went over to spend a few hours with Mark and during that time, there were some moments that will stay with me forever. I'm warning you that this post is going to be long because I want to capture this day in writing so that I'll always be able to recall it.

What a blessing our friendship is and has been. When we are together, it's just so easy and comfortable, like a blanket you had against your cheek when you were an infant and how just feeling it on your skin soothes you, settles you even as an adult. That's how it is when we're together. In our 10+ years as friends, we've been together through a lot of personal difficulties (mine earlier, his now) so we seem to know just what the other person needs and how to communicate that, verbally and nonverbally.

Mark was waiting for me outside when we arrived and I. went into the house to visit with Jodi and the baby. I thought he was just enjoying the warm sunshine but in hindsight, I realize he was waiting for me because he stopped me from going in the house and said "I want to talk to you about something before we go inside." Mark warned me that it was a glum topic (his words) and said "If and when I don't make it, I want you to encourage Jodi to move on with her life and finds someone after a year to make her happy and help raise Hunter." I never thought I would be having this conversation with my best friend on the eve of our 39th birthdays. Nothing can prepare you for this - you just have to deal with it on the fly I guess. So I looked him in the eye, knowing how much this meant to him and what amazing courage it took to say this, and said I would do this for him as long as he gave me some latitude in assessing how Jodi was doing after those 12 months. He agreed and we moved onto another topic that he wanted my opinion on but this was truly a shining example of what kind of a man he is.

The next moment was when we were sitting outside by ourselves for a moment and I was being honest about how I was really struggling with sadness about V. being gone for so long. That may sound strange that I'm talking to Mark about this though not expressing my sadness about him but one, he doesn't need that additional burden and two, he already knows it without me saying anything. Anyways, so I tell him what I'm trying to do to combat the sadness and then I just asked him point blank, knowing that it's okay to ask, "How do you do it? How do you have a smile on your face and an aura of contentedness about you when you're faced with your situation?" And he said that he has his uncontrollable crying moments especially lately when the seriousness of it all catches up to him but he tries to concentrate on the good and keeps busy with short and long term projects that make him happy and give him something to strive for each day. That really helped because that is exactly what I have been trying to do to help cope with my sadness so it made me think that maybe I need to just cut myself a little slack and just let me feel sadness at times.

As we were leaving, Mark stopped me and said that maybe we could get together during the upcoming weeks because Jodi was going to be starting school M-Th in another week and he was going to be taking care of Hunter. I told him to start making a list of all the things he wanted to do because we would be doing them. I am so looking forward to these moments - he with his son and me with my daughter - the wheel truly comes round.

Later this afternoon, I was pondering Mark's request and all of a sudden, a movie I saw a couple of weeks ago popped into my mind and I started to get really excited. The movie was about a young couple who fell in love and then the husband got a brain tumor and died within a year. However, during that year, he wrote letters and set up events and other things that were mailed to the wife (with the help of a friend) for that first year without him, encouraging her to get on with her life. It was really amazing so I called Mark up tonight and told him about this movie and that I was planting the seed in his mind to germinate. I could tell he was really jazzed about this idea and he asked me if I wanted to be the one to help him do it and I said "We've always been partners in crime so absolutely." Another thing I never imagined in my wildest dreams he and I would be talking about but here we are and excited to be conspiring together in what may be the biggest coup in our lives. By doing this, we would be transcending death in a way to reach out and touch Jodi's shoulder for one additional year; to give her one more year with Mark - what in life can top that?

THE List

No, there isn't a typo in today's blog title. Because this is THE List of all lists that I'm talking about, or I will be talking about in just a little while.

First, let me say that I love lists. "Hi, my name is the Feistywon and I'm a listaholic." Probably never met or made a list that I didn't like. It just has always seemed to help my brain because to see The List (again as opposed to THE List) made me feel better and then I never had to worry that I would forget something because I could just refer back to The List. Eased my mind because I didn't have to try to remember and probably freed up some space for my brain to work on processing something new. At least that's how I figure it.

So, I have weekly menu lists, grocery shopping lists, ongoing project lists, errands and calls that need to be made lists, books I want to get at the library lists, movies to TIVO lists, present idea lists - the list goes on (ha!). After a particularly painful breakup for the umpteenth time with my first boyfriend after graduating from high school, I wrote a list of what I did and did not want in a future boyfriend/husband. This at age 17 so you can imagine just how deeply ingrained The List is in my life, two decades later.

Now we come to THE List, one that I have been adding to for awhile now though I cannot locate the original written document. You can be sure one will be appearing soon. THE List is of all the things I want to do before I die. V. and my parents all view this as extremely morbid and not at all normal but I guess you can just add that to my perusal of obituaries each day and the fact that I used to eat lunch during my college days in a cemetary. It's not death I'm fascinated with, it's the stories behind each death - what are they known for, what did they enjoy, who did they share life with, and who is going to miss them. I really believe that if you don't have THE List, one day death may sneak up on you unannounced and you'll miss the chance to do the things your heart wanted to do. Because we all know how quickly the days fly by with all the "have to dos" and "should dos", shouldn't we make sure that if there is something we "really want to do", we should do it?

Well, I think yes, abso-fucking-lutely, you should do whatever it is you really want to do! Everyone's list is different but it means no less than anyone else's. Things on my list that I have accomplished are:

• buying a new car on my own
• buying a house on my own
• being happily married
• experiencing pregnancy
• having a child.

Those are pretty major life events so I'm excited that I've accomplished those. Now, I feel as though it's time for some of the fun, wacky things that I haven't experienced yet. Here's the ones on my list so far (but I'm adding them as I think of/discover them):

• Go dog sledding with Siberian Huskies
• Sleep in a tree house
• Visit Italy
• Sleep somewhere where the floor is just a few feet above the ocean

Life is short even though some days feel long and if you don't take the bull by the horns or the cajones, whichever are closer, it may be too late. I don't plan on leaving the land of the living with regrets and THE List helps me sleep at night knowing that I'm taking an active step to safeguard against this. And if this makes me morbid so be it, I've been called worse and as the old Feistywon used to say "Bite me!"

Building Memories

I'm having a hard time coming up with a title for this blog. In fact, right now it has no title. I'm hoping by the time I get done with it, one will clearly appear to me. Until then, this is the Titleless Blog.

V. finally made it back from that God forsaken place (aka Saudi Arabia) on Christmas night so that we could proceed with a family Christmas and we had a nice one indeed. To say that I. was happy to be with her daddy again would be an understatement.

The following Monday we drove up to Idyllwild, a little mountain town basically in the middle of nowhere but that's the point. I always love the scenic pictures I get each year.




This isn't Big Bear or Lake Arrowhead. The locals call it "The Hill" so that tells you something right there. However, for us it's perfect - quiet, relaxing, nothing much to do.

Well, except nowadays that isn't quite true and here's why. Before we had I., V. and I started this tradition of going up to "The Hill" for about a week over New Year's. And the adjectives I used previously - quiet, relaxing, nothing much to do - fit the bill. We never looked at the clock while we were there. We ate when we were hungry, we napped and slept when we were tired, and just vegged - me with many books and V. with papers and tv. It was a kind of no rules week also evidenced by the sounds coming from the trunk on the drive up the curvy mountain roads. CLANK, CLANK, CLANK. Those were the Jack Daniels and Absolut bottles clanging against each other all the way up and it always made us laugh. We weren't drunks but it was nice for a time to do whatever we felt like when we felt like doing it. One last example of that mentality - one night we went into the outdoor hot tub. It was around 20 degrees outside and we were laughing at the insanity of being outside but so appreciative of how cold our drinks stayed.

Now though, with an active 3 year old who doesn't take naps, the days on "The Hill" are anything but relaxing. It becomes an all day exercise of trying to keep her happy, amused and out of trouble, all of which is extremely tiring. I imagine it's probably akin to having a Great Dane puppy inside of a small cabin. To make matters even more challenging, I. was getting up in the wee hours of the morning so it made for an even LONGER day. Thank God there was a lot of snow on the ground left over from a recent storm so we were able to go out and play in that and get some of her energy released.



I thought about all this today and realized that someday, if we're lucky, it will be V. and I back up there on "The Hill" alone, relaxing and napping albeit with less clanking probably. Knowing how things go, we'll probably be wistfully looking back at these days when our whirling dervish was exhausting us but making us laugh all day long with her antics and sense of humor. Granted, the memories from the past seem more carefree and pleasurable. However, these memories we are building now are richer, deeper, and more meaningful because they don't just exist in V. and my minds but now in I.'s and perhaps in her future families' minds as well.




And now I have the title of this post - "Building Memories".