About 80% of me feels like if the Year 2009 was standing in front of me, I'd flip a big ole birdie at it 'cause on many fronts, it's been a shitty year. Namely, because Mark died and V. was gone the whole friggin' year. Two important males in my life just were gone and I felt very "left". How could I not? The foundations of my life and my own mortality were shaken this year - I feel anxiety about both topics and if my life can go back to normal once V. is back home remains to be seen. I might also flip the birdie to 2009 in defiance to say, "No matter what you or your other past buddies have thrown at me, I'M STILL HERE!"
The other 20% of me looks back at 2009 wistfully. This is the year my baby girl turned 4, began the process of wearing underpants, and went to preschool. What a year 2009 has been for her! For these things I am grateful because I. has been so excited about these things and how could I not share her joy? It's also the last full year of my 30's - ugh. I try to remind myself back when I was 29, going on 30 that I was down about that too but I've got to tell you, my 30's were SO MUCH better than my 20's were not only for the life situations that occurred but also for the way I became so much more comfortable with myself and unapologetic for who I was. Now, as I approach the end of my 30's, I feel like this process will only continue and allow myself even more freedom to just be who I know I am and not be who I am not and most importantly, be okay with that. The one portion of this 20% that I am not wistful about, just plain thankful, is that even though I would MUCH rather have V. home full-time with us, I. and I have truly bonded in a way we probably would not have if it hadn't just been the two of us. That is something that will hopefully go a long way in our future when times get tough, as I know they will. My dad worked a lot when I was little and it was really just my mom and I and we were and still are very close. She was the person I had the most fun with and when I went into my teenage years, there were some bumps but really nothing big because she and I viewed ourselves as being on the same team. I hope this past year has poured us a thick, sturdy foundation for us upon which we will build the rest of our life's relationship.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Kickback Day in Palm Desert
Yesterday was a physically exhausting day what with packing, cleaning the cat room and equipment, carrying everything down 3 flights of stairs, loading the car, driving 2 hours, and then unloading the car including carrying everything up another flight of stairs. I was pooped and not looking forward to Saturday when I'll have to do it all again.
Today, I planned a kickback day for I. and I to just bum around, relax, and play because we don't get to do that enough when we're at home because there is always something that needs to be, an errand to be run etc. So to have no plans except for an early Mexican food dinner was heaven. We leisurely got ready and then we went on a tricycle ride and after that, a walk around the complex. Lunch and then we did puzzles out on the patio since it had finally warmed up to above 60 and played with all the other toys we had brought. The day was filled beautiful sunshine, cool air, fluffy white clouds, the giggles of a little girl and the smile of her momma loving to watch her. Yes, we both did miss V. but trying to enjoy the opportunity we have while we're here in Palm Desert. For I., it comes naturally that childlike ability to really enjoy each moment rather than looking forward, backward, anywhere but at the very moment. Today I was really able to do it and both I. and I benefitted from it.
The trick is to do this when I'm at home in my normal life. Sounds like a resolution to me...
Today, I planned a kickback day for I. and I to just bum around, relax, and play because we don't get to do that enough when we're at home because there is always something that needs to be, an errand to be run etc. So to have no plans except for an early Mexican food dinner was heaven. We leisurely got ready and then we went on a tricycle ride and after that, a walk around the complex. Lunch and then we did puzzles out on the patio since it had finally warmed up to above 60 and played with all the other toys we had brought. The day was filled beautiful sunshine, cool air, fluffy white clouds, the giggles of a little girl and the smile of her momma loving to watch her. Yes, we both did miss V. but trying to enjoy the opportunity we have while we're here in Palm Desert. For I., it comes naturally that childlike ability to really enjoy each moment rather than looking forward, backward, anywhere but at the very moment. Today I was really able to do it and both I. and I benefitted from it.
The trick is to do this when I'm at home in my normal life. Sounds like a resolution to me...
Monday, December 28, 2009
Unexpected Emotions
I thought I had successfully navigated making it through Christmas in one piece, emotionally speaking. So imagine my surprise on the eve of my vacation finding myself really down. I can't believe it. I was at the gym when it hit me like a door in the face so I jumped on the treadmill where all my really good, insightful thinking occurs. About 15 minutes later, I realized why I am feeling so down. I know, I really should be better at this "figuring my emotions out" by this stage in life but I'm not and it takes so work to drill down to the source.
Anyways, here it is: this is the first time since 2001 that I spent this week between Christmas and New Year's not hibernating somewhere with V. Even last year, when he missed Christmas, we still had our hibernation to look forward to. So it's another one of those firsts that I could have done without. Here I thought I was circumventing this by making sure I wasn't sitting at home on New Year's and while a scenery change and change of place will be quite nice before starting off the new year, it's not the same. Not even a little. This week was always for us (V. and I) to relax, to relish in unstructured days, afternoons, and evenings. Before I. was born, it was the highlight of our year to just cut lose and act like irresponsible human beings rather than the stressed, responsibility-laden professionals that we had to be all year long.
I remember one year, after a particularly horrible year, all we could hear on that winding, 2 lane road up the mountain to Idyllwild were the cacophony of clankings going on in the trunk of the various bottles of liquor as they swayed against one another. Every time they clanked, it would just set us off laughing all over again. Needless to say, after that 4 or 5 days, there wasn't much clanking on the way back down the mountain. I.'s second year up, it started snowing so hard that we barely made it into Idyllwild but couldn't get any farther where our cabin was. We had to park and I was running around town in my sneakers trying to find someplace that had a vacancy for us for that night. Very stressful at the time, but a funny memory looking back. I. was not even 2 months when she went up for her first visit and the pictures and video I have from that visit is especially sweet. Us and our new little family, hibernating together in the cabin. So many good memories....
I am looking forward to our vacation but part of me is just really sad about it. I'm already missing the cat's company at night - how pathetic is that?! Once we get out there, I'm going to concentrate on enjoying it for what it is - it's not a replacement of our hibernation week in Idyllwild, it just can't be without V. It is a change of pace and scenery for I. and I and a reward to me for making it to the last day of the year still standing and pretty much intact. That is definitely something to celebrate. And hopefully we all can hibernate together in the next few months.
Anyways, here it is: this is the first time since 2001 that I spent this week between Christmas and New Year's not hibernating somewhere with V. Even last year, when he missed Christmas, we still had our hibernation to look forward to. So it's another one of those firsts that I could have done without. Here I thought I was circumventing this by making sure I wasn't sitting at home on New Year's and while a scenery change and change of place will be quite nice before starting off the new year, it's not the same. Not even a little. This week was always for us (V. and I) to relax, to relish in unstructured days, afternoons, and evenings. Before I. was born, it was the highlight of our year to just cut lose and act like irresponsible human beings rather than the stressed, responsibility-laden professionals that we had to be all year long.
I remember one year, after a particularly horrible year, all we could hear on that winding, 2 lane road up the mountain to Idyllwild were the cacophony of clankings going on in the trunk of the various bottles of liquor as they swayed against one another. Every time they clanked, it would just set us off laughing all over again. Needless to say, after that 4 or 5 days, there wasn't much clanking on the way back down the mountain. I.'s second year up, it started snowing so hard that we barely made it into Idyllwild but couldn't get any farther where our cabin was. We had to park and I was running around town in my sneakers trying to find someplace that had a vacancy for us for that night. Very stressful at the time, but a funny memory looking back. I. was not even 2 months when she went up for her first visit and the pictures and video I have from that visit is especially sweet. Us and our new little family, hibernating together in the cabin. So many good memories....
I am looking forward to our vacation but part of me is just really sad about it. I'm already missing the cat's company at night - how pathetic is that?! Once we get out there, I'm going to concentrate on enjoying it for what it is - it's not a replacement of our hibernation week in Idyllwild, it just can't be without V. It is a change of pace and scenery for I. and I and a reward to me for making it to the last day of the year still standing and pretty much intact. That is definitely something to celebrate. And hopefully we all can hibernate together in the next few months.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Boxing Day - My Style
I'm not sure what Boxing Day means in Canada, but here in my household now that I. is here, Boxing Day means spending a lot of time reorganizing toys - moving still useful toys that are not played with too often to the downstairs closet, moving no longer played with toys to the garage, and donating all those toy items that I have been dying to get rid of. This once a year project led to I.'s bedroom closet project which included closet reorganization, the addition of toys, and a major bookshelf overhaul in which most of the baby board books were removed to make room for additional, age appropriate books. You see, my parents kept all of my and my 2 siblings books so to say that we have a lot of children's books would be an understatement. Not that I'm complaining about that except that we don't have a lot of storage and between keeping her clothes, her baby equipment, baby toys plus boxes of books (and these are just through age 11 or so), we're running out of room and quickly.
Once I started in the garage adding MORE things to it, I realized there was some overdue memorabilia boxes of mine that could stand to be whittled down and combined into smaller boxes. So I did that and was left with 5 additional boxes I could get rid of which is pretty good. The garage is far from being contained but it is much more organized and compact as of right now. All these projects took me 4 hours to do and at the end, I was physically tired and achy (especially since I went to the gym this morning) but very happy with my productiveness. I still needed to unpack the shopping bags of stuff from Christmas at my parents but I needed a break more.
So I showered and went to see the movie "It's Complicated" and enjoyed it immensely. I found it very funny and it reminded me of one of my favorite movies "Something's Gotta Give", probably because it was written and directed by the same person. I laughed, relaxed, and enjoyed myself then came home to Christmas Eve leftovers for dinner. Yes, I am on the couch tonight even though I. isn't home but not for the whole evening and on my terms. I knew the movie theater would be extra crowded tonight and that I would be too tired to enjoy a movie this evening so I went to the 4:30 showing which is still a real treat considering I have to be home by 3pm these days.
Even though I did miss I., this was a really good, satisfyingly productive day that needed to happen. I am looking forward to our getaway next week in Palm Desert just I. and I and have penciled in some tricycle riding and downtime just for us to play since I won't have as many responsibilities surrounding me out there. Something to look forward to...just what the doctor ordered!
Once I started in the garage adding MORE things to it, I realized there was some overdue memorabilia boxes of mine that could stand to be whittled down and combined into smaller boxes. So I did that and was left with 5 additional boxes I could get rid of which is pretty good. The garage is far from being contained but it is much more organized and compact as of right now. All these projects took me 4 hours to do and at the end, I was physically tired and achy (especially since I went to the gym this morning) but very happy with my productiveness. I still needed to unpack the shopping bags of stuff from Christmas at my parents but I needed a break more.
So I showered and went to see the movie "It's Complicated" and enjoyed it immensely. I found it very funny and it reminded me of one of my favorite movies "Something's Gotta Give", probably because it was written and directed by the same person. I laughed, relaxed, and enjoyed myself then came home to Christmas Eve leftovers for dinner. Yes, I am on the couch tonight even though I. isn't home but not for the whole evening and on my terms. I knew the movie theater would be extra crowded tonight and that I would be too tired to enjoy a movie this evening so I went to the 4:30 showing which is still a real treat considering I have to be home by 3pm these days.
Even though I did miss I., this was a really good, satisfyingly productive day that needed to happen. I am looking forward to our getaway next week in Palm Desert just I. and I and have penciled in some tricycle riding and downtime just for us to play since I won't have as many responsibilities surrounding me out there. Something to look forward to...just what the doctor ordered!
Christmas Day
I was so exhausted by the time I got home last night around 9pm that I couldn't even attempt to blog. My body felt like it had been through a car accident from a long day plus hours on my feet on the hard tile helping fix Christmas dinner. Unfortunately, a good night's sleep was not in the cards and I literally had a nightmare every time I turned over (and I was turning over a lot because my body was achy).
Christmas morning at our house was quiet, sweet, and simple. I. was excited for me to open her gifts and the happy, satisfied look she got on her face when I told her how much I liked each one was priceless. She liked all her gift and stocking items and then it was time for the Santa present - the tricycle. She was excited to see it and jumped on board but the true excitement showed on her face when she was pedaling full-tilt on my parents' patio when we went over there. It was really neat to see!
As I got dressed and ready to go over to my parents' house, part of me was kind of sad because I knew this simple, happy feeling I had during our morning would not transfer over there and I was right. I mean, I. had fun because she loves my parents and my brother but the stress level was palapable. There's stress over the presents - the expectation level put on some of them is unbelievable. Luckily, I didn't have one of those this year but I felt uncomfortable with the amount of stuff. The real stress was my sister (big surprise there). There were very few gifts that she received that she didn't have some complaint or criticism about; it's just so irritating. She knows it all and acts like everyone else is an idiot. Even her "big" present turned into a stressful thing. My parents gave her a computer (don't even get me started). I think they view it as a way to get her to enroll in an online certificate program. Of course, she just sees it as a way to download more music onto her Ipod. She starts the computer up and announces that she needs a DVD right now to back up the programs because this is what it says she has to do. There are so many more presents for everyone to open but we are just supposed to drop everything and start running around looking for a DVD for her because that is our purpose in her life you know - to do everything that she wants immediately. That therein is where our value lies.
Her new BF that no one has met was supposed to pick her up around 3pm but that turned into a problem and when she called, he said he was tired from dropping off his daughter and didn't want to drive to pick her up. So instead of dealing with him about it, she tells my brother he has to drive her 35 minutes away to her BF's house and when he refuses, she begins yelling at him. Then she starts freaking out and yelling at my parents that she HAS TO see him and why can't they understand that? She's 26 mind you, not 14. My dad finally agress to take her, just to get her out of the house, but they need to leave now, not in 2 hours like she told the BF because he doesn't want to miss dinner. She goes up to the bedroom (that I. sleeps in that is now TRASHED after one night), grabs some clothes, and storms out of the house without any presents, any thank yous, or any goodbyes. Yeah, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
The rest of Christmas was okay - dinner prep a little stressful, parents bickering in the kitchen as tradition demands but overall, we were just so thankful that she wasn't there that we laughed a little at the table. Last night when I went to bed, I missed I. so much it made me cry. It is so confusing as a mother (especially since it's just her and I) to be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by her every day but then when she's not here, I miss her viscerally. Of course, if V. was here, it would have been okay because I would still have my role as wife. Without both of them, I feel lost - I don't have to be a wife or a mother so who am I? Just me and that's okay except during the holiday season. I don't want to be just me right now because I looked forward for over a decade to have my own little family and to celebrate with my own little family and I haven't been able to do that for the past 2 years. That's really sad. However, I've got a lot to do today while I. is playing with my parents at their house so I had better get to it!
Christmas morning at our house was quiet, sweet, and simple. I. was excited for me to open her gifts and the happy, satisfied look she got on her face when I told her how much I liked each one was priceless. She liked all her gift and stocking items and then it was time for the Santa present - the tricycle. She was excited to see it and jumped on board but the true excitement showed on her face when she was pedaling full-tilt on my parents' patio when we went over there. It was really neat to see!
As I got dressed and ready to go over to my parents' house, part of me was kind of sad because I knew this simple, happy feeling I had during our morning would not transfer over there and I was right. I mean, I. had fun because she loves my parents and my brother but the stress level was palapable. There's stress over the presents - the expectation level put on some of them is unbelievable. Luckily, I didn't have one of those this year but I felt uncomfortable with the amount of stuff. The real stress was my sister (big surprise there). There were very few gifts that she received that she didn't have some complaint or criticism about; it's just so irritating. She knows it all and acts like everyone else is an idiot. Even her "big" present turned into a stressful thing. My parents gave her a computer (don't even get me started). I think they view it as a way to get her to enroll in an online certificate program. Of course, she just sees it as a way to download more music onto her Ipod. She starts the computer up and announces that she needs a DVD right now to back up the programs because this is what it says she has to do. There are so many more presents for everyone to open but we are just supposed to drop everything and start running around looking for a DVD for her because that is our purpose in her life you know - to do everything that she wants immediately. That therein is where our value lies.
Her new BF that no one has met was supposed to pick her up around 3pm but that turned into a problem and when she called, he said he was tired from dropping off his daughter and didn't want to drive to pick her up. So instead of dealing with him about it, she tells my brother he has to drive her 35 minutes away to her BF's house and when he refuses, she begins yelling at him. Then she starts freaking out and yelling at my parents that she HAS TO see him and why can't they understand that? She's 26 mind you, not 14. My dad finally agress to take her, just to get her out of the house, but they need to leave now, not in 2 hours like she told the BF because he doesn't want to miss dinner. She goes up to the bedroom (that I. sleeps in that is now TRASHED after one night), grabs some clothes, and storms out of the house without any presents, any thank yous, or any goodbyes. Yeah, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
The rest of Christmas was okay - dinner prep a little stressful, parents bickering in the kitchen as tradition demands but overall, we were just so thankful that she wasn't there that we laughed a little at the table. Last night when I went to bed, I missed I. so much it made me cry. It is so confusing as a mother (especially since it's just her and I) to be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by her every day but then when she's not here, I miss her viscerally. Of course, if V. was here, it would have been okay because I would still have my role as wife. Without both of them, I feel lost - I don't have to be a wife or a mother so who am I? Just me and that's okay except during the holiday season. I don't want to be just me right now because I looked forward for over a decade to have my own little family and to celebrate with my own little family and I haven't been able to do that for the past 2 years. That's really sad. However, I've got a lot to do today while I. is playing with my parents at their house so I had better get to it!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas Eve - Lessons Learned
Christmas Eve and I"m here sitting on the couch by myself but this year is SO much better than last year. First of all, I KNEW I was going to be sitting here by myself so that allowed me time to plan for it. Today was a really good day. I. and I baked for hours this morning - gingerbread for us and Santa, then cranberry almond bread and a baked egg dish for tomorrow's Christmas brunch at my parents'. We had fun cooking together and it felt good to be productive and stay at home most of the day with the Christmas music playing. It felt like Christmas Eve, not just a regular ole day. After she went to bed, I took a bath while reading a book and having a glass of wine.
Secondly, tonight V. and I were able to webcam and I got to see him open his presents up on his Christmas morning which was nice. Unfortunately, he won't get to see I. open her presents up tomorrow morning because all the staff is going out for Christmas dinner. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.
Thirdly, I know from last year that watching a traditional Christmas show tonight by myself makes it worse. So, this year I watched my favorite movie, Fried Green Tomatoes and it feels special.
I wrote my first Santa note back to I. and I feel like an official adult parent. I even did it with my left hand like my dad used to do for me. Since I am Santa, I will be having a piece of gingerbread and a glass of milk before I go to bed. Mmmm.....
Secondly, tonight V. and I were able to webcam and I got to see him open his presents up on his Christmas morning which was nice. Unfortunately, he won't get to see I. open her presents up tomorrow morning because all the staff is going out for Christmas dinner. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.
Thirdly, I know from last year that watching a traditional Christmas show tonight by myself makes it worse. So, this year I watched my favorite movie, Fried Green Tomatoes and it feels special.
I wrote my first Santa note back to I. and I feel like an official adult parent. I even did it with my left hand like my dad used to do for me. Since I am Santa, I will be having a piece of gingerbread and a glass of milk before I go to bed. Mmmm.....
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Great Afternoon!
Last night I attempted to put together the tricycle and did well until the last step and got stuck. So I sent a HELP text message to a good friend of mine who has put together a few trikes and he said he would come help me out. He came over during I.'s resttime and quickly got it finished. Just for the record, the instructions left out 3 crucial details that you would only know if you had already put one together. Thank goodness he was able and willing to help - what a great friend!
About 15 minutes after he left, the doorbell rang and I opened it to discover a beautiful array of flowers with a big teddy bear tied to the vase. The card read: "Pretty Lady/Daddy's Little Cutie, Merry Christmas! I miss you both. I will be home soon. Love, V./Daddy"
About 15 minutes after he left, the doorbell rang and I opened it to discover a beautiful array of flowers with a big teddy bear tied to the vase. The card read: "Pretty Lady/Daddy's Little Cutie, Merry Christmas! I miss you both. I will be home soon. Love, V./Daddy"
Wow! So he did get me something after all which makes me happy. I'm wondering if he was planning on it for awhile or if it was in response to something I did on Monday. No, no, it's not some evil plan. I borrowed a book about marriage and was reading it on Monday night. In it, they talk about how important "respect" is to a husband; it's what "love" is to a wife. They challenge you to communicate to your husband that you respect him and why - nothing long, just something simple. The author swears that you'll see a reaction from your husband.
Being that V. is 8300 miles away, I sent him an email telling him how much I respected the hard work, long hours, and personal sacrifice he is making without any real complaint which allows me to stay at home and raise our daughter full-time. He called a couple of hours later for our normal chat but didn't say anything and never acknowledged it via email either but I know he got it. So, I'm wondering if these flowers are that "reaction" the author was talking about or if it was planned before then.
I'll tell you one thing, I'M NOT ASKING! Because to ask is to jinx it, I just know it! I'll just look at my pretty Christmas flowers and smile...
Friday, December 18, 2009
Part 3 - I'm Exhausted & Confused
I figured I should finish this saga since Part 3 just concluded. My eyes are swollen with crying and I am emotionally spent but there was a good part and a bad part to #3.
V. called and wondered why I was so quiet so I told him what I said in my last post that I was going to tell him (angry and betrayed). I had gotten some time to think about things and realized that it wasn't the dollar amount but the inappropriateness of the gift that bothered me. So I told him that I was more than willing to give $200 in gifts to each girl but in things that were more appropriate for 17 year olds, such as clothes, or gift cards for clothing stores, accessory stores, and ITunes. He got silent and said he was irritated with me for making a value judgement on the gifts he was giving and asked whether he ever had made value judgements on the gifts I had chosen for my family. That pissed me off and I told him that I don't buy INAPPROPRIATE gifts for my family just because they want them. I said, "Even though my mother may want a $400 purse, I would never buy it for her!" and he knows that so it was a really stupid argument. A $200 purse is okay for a woman in her 20s or 30s who is making her own money not a high schooler with no job.
I told him that it really confuses me because we have always been on the same financial page and I just cannot believe that he thinks it's okay to buy $200 purses for the girls. So, are you ready? Cause here comes the kicker. He finally gets angry enough to blurt out, "Just so you know, I didn't like the idea of the purses and I told that and that this would be the last year I did this!"
Ok, what , huh?!!! I started yelling at him, "Why the hell didn't you tell me that? We wouldn't have been having these discussions for the last 2 days and I wouldn't have been getting upset if you had told me that!" If I knew he had finally stood up and barked about this, I wouldn't have felt the need to stand up and bark about it. It would have been taken care of and V. and I would still be on the same page, more importantly. It would have been "Hey, here's the situation, I handled it, we just have to make it thru this Christmas and it should be better." If he had said that before informing me of the deliveries, I would have been fine and wouldn't have said anything because I try to make V.'s life easier and better, not worse.
This sets me off crying, partially in release and partially in utter frustration because this was so avoidable if he had just told me that. Yet, he turns silent (because he's still irritated and that's what he does) and that pisses me off (like it always does). So I tell him that it's amazing how even though he left out the invaluable information, that I'm in trouble because I've dared to say to him what he said to. I told him I was tired of the punishment levied against me if I dared to give an opposing (or in this case, the same as his) opinion on a topic related to the girls. Finally, he let up because I was sobbing. I just cannot take him being angry with me, let alone 8300 miles away. Another issue to work on...
So I think we're okay for now but it saddens me to see the stress on our marriage that this year's separation has caused. I keep hoping that, like the bad times in my past life have strengthened me in my present life, this latest separation will cause us to appreciate each other's company and inner strength and make the future times together that much more special.
V. called and wondered why I was so quiet so I told him what I said in my last post that I was going to tell him (angry and betrayed). I had gotten some time to think about things and realized that it wasn't the dollar amount but the inappropriateness of the gift that bothered me. So I told him that I was more than willing to give $200 in gifts to each girl but in things that were more appropriate for 17 year olds, such as clothes, or gift cards for clothing stores, accessory stores, and ITunes. He got silent and said he was irritated with me for making a value judgement on the gifts he was giving and asked whether he ever had made value judgements on the gifts I had chosen for my family. That pissed me off and I told him that I don't buy INAPPROPRIATE gifts for my family just because they want them. I said, "Even though my mother may want a $400 purse, I would never buy it for her!" and he knows that so it was a really stupid argument. A $200 purse is okay for a woman in her 20s or 30s who is making her own money not a high schooler with no job.
I told him that it really confuses me because we have always been on the same financial page and I just cannot believe that he thinks it's okay to buy $200 purses for the girls. So, are you ready? Cause here comes the kicker. He finally gets angry enough to blurt out, "Just so you know, I didn't like the idea of the purses and I told
Ok, what , huh?!!! I started yelling at him, "Why the hell didn't you tell me that? We wouldn't have been having these discussions for the last 2 days and I wouldn't have been getting upset if you had told me that!" If I knew he had finally stood up and barked about this, I wouldn't have felt the need to stand up and bark about it. It would have been taken care of and V. and I would still be on the same page, more importantly. It would have been "Hey, here's the situation, I handled it, we just have to make it thru this Christmas and it should be better." If he had said that before informing me of the deliveries, I would have been fine and wouldn't have said anything because I try to make V.'s life easier and better, not worse.
This sets me off crying, partially in release and partially in utter frustration because this was so avoidable if he had just told me that. Yet, he turns silent (because he's still irritated and that's what he does) and that pisses me off (like it always does). So I tell him that it's amazing how even though he left out the invaluable information, that I'm in trouble because I've dared to say to him what he said to
So I think we're okay for now but it saddens me to see the stress on our marriage that this year's separation has caused. I keep hoping that, like the bad times in my past life have strengthened me in my present life, this latest separation will cause us to appreciate each other's company and inner strength and make the future times together that much more special.
I’ve Had It
I'm so angry right now that it feels like my head is going to pop off my shoulders. Last night was Part 1 and tonight is Part 2 because a package arrived tonight with the Juicy Couture presents. I opened it up and couldn't see what was in there due to wrapping but there was the packing slip which read $215. I figured we'd be in for around $100 a piece so that was okay until I saw that the quantity was 1. Yes, 1 fucking purse is costing $215 and there's another one on its way. I knew we all wanted to see what a $215 purse looks like so here it is:
I'm just sick to my stomach and just plain sick of this, all of this. They're 17 years old. Next it'll be a new car or two and you know what??! We don't have the fucking money. They live in East LA, they're not fucking socialites in Beverly Hills. I'm tired of being cast in the role as a bitchy stepmom because I object to these kinds of purchases. But I'm tired of the different rules for the 1st family vs. the 2nd family. I'm sure V.'d say, "Well, go ahead and get yourself one of those purses then." but the truth is we can't afford to be spending the way we do for their family or we'd be in debt.
Here's the other ridiculous part. So we buy them these extravagant gifts. Then V. has to take the girls to buy his ex what she wants for Christmas PLUS we have to pay for what they buy me and I. for Christmas (and every holiday really). Isn't that fucking amazing? WE PAY FOR EVERYTHING! I guess that's why I. didn't get a bday present, because V. wasn't here to go buy it for them. So how much do you want to bet that we'll give them these extravangant gifts and they'll give us nothing because we didn't pay for it?! It's truly unfuckingbelievable.
I feel like I am always giving of myself to everyone but except for I., I NEVER consistently get anything back in return. I try to make people feel special and loved but in return no one, not V., not the girls, and many times not even my own family, gives anything back to me. I have to pay for my own gifts in order for them to give me - if that doesn't sum it up, I don't know what does.
I'm so angry and I feel betrayed too because V. KNEW how I would react which is why he did it himself. Again, he and the ex decided what the shakedown was going to be and he went and did it and told me after the fact. I actually did talk to him last night about that. I thought the items would be around $100 a piece plus I had already gotten each a $50 Itunes card. But over $200 a piece???!!!
Honestly, I don't want to talk to him tonight and if he wasn't 8000 miles away, I would send him an email telling him that. But since he's so far away, I guess I'll let him call and tell him then that I'm too angry and betrayed by his little "end run" game that I don't want to talk to him. Of course, you know that'll break my heart more than his. Why do things have to get worse right now when things are already so difficult?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Our Christmas Tree
I realized that I never did post pictures of our tree (at least I didn't see where I did when I looked quickly). So here they are:
First Year of Decorating
Hanging Ornaments!
We Have a Good Size Tree!
First Year of Decorating
Hanging Ornaments!
We Have a Good Size Tree!
The Good and the Not So Good
I haven't posted for awhile because I've been sick and just had nothing left after a full day with I. Anyways, I'll start with the good. I. and I had a fun time making a gingerbread house with friends earlier this week. The kids played so well together that we were able to sit down and have a conversation that actually made sense - what a treat!
Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Terry and it was nice to sit down just the two of us and talk about whatever came to mind. It's always fun and easy with him. Today, I. and I went to the Helen Woodward Center to learn about and visit with dogs which we both enjoyed very much. Then, stopped off for a piece of pizza for lunch before going to preschool. Today was Baby Jesus' Birthday Party and I volunteered to help for the day, much to I.'s delight. It was a lot of fun hanging out with a bunch of excited 4 year olds for the afternoon but tiring as well. I. loved having me there so that made the experience even better - it's nice when you're kid is proud to show you off happily to her friends!
Now the not so good. Off and on last week and the week prior, I was suffering through the hassle and irritation of the "check debacle" as I call it. Without going through all the gory details, the bottom line is that due to a couple of issues, the ex's check was late and instead of contacting ME the person who has the checkbook and access to the post office, she keeps calling V., who is 8300 miles away, stressed out, and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day. To me, that just screams,"I don't give a shit about you, it's all about me. Where's my money?!!" What a bitch. Finally got that resolved late last week and had major irritation #2 handed to me this morning in the form of this exchange:
V.: "There's going to be some Juicy Couture boxes delivered to the house."
A.: "Oh really?"
V.: "Yeah, they're the other part of the girls' Xmas presents."
A.: "So, she called you again just to tell you what we were to buy them?"
V.: "This is why I just took care of it myself instead of telling you."
A." "You know, it feels again like you guys are the family and it's just I. and I over here on the sidelines. She calls you up to tell you what your girls want for Xmas and even though getting all the Xmas gifts is my job, you and her just talk it over and you go and do it without involving me at all. I guess I'm just here on my own."
Of course, he declared that ridiculous but you know, this just goes along with the "I'm taking the girls to Puerto Rico" bullshit. This is what I HATE the most about being apart for this past year - he's totally reverting back to the single man state of mind that he was in before we got together. Or as I call it "it's not all about you" attitude that he's been copping during the short times he has been home. It's like I have to break him out of it but by the time I do, he's gone again. I AM SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED OVER THIS!
Keep in mind, they're not going to get these presents until practically February when V. comes home. Regardless, they had to be ordered and delivered now. Which brings me to a related topic that has really been making me sad, to the point of tearing up, all day. It may sound immature, childish, or even selfish but so be it - I'm still going to say it anyways. I really don't think V. is going to send me anything for Christmas and that makes me cry. I wasn't expecting anything and would have been fine, but now that he made sure to immediately do what the ex said and get gifts delivered for the girls ASAP, well that changes everything.
I'm not going to say anything because I don't want him to send me anything unless he thinks of it and wants to. If he does nothing for Christmas, that says to me that I'm not special enough to him to make an effort to communicate to me somehow that he loves, cares about, and misses me. Bottom line, he just doesn't care enough to try to do something nice for me for Christmas. If this all comes to pass, it's just going to make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ten times harder and just adds another time this year where he had the opportunity to step up to the plate and just didn't fucking feel like it no matter how that made me feel. Keep in mind, that I did tell him that I asked my mom to take I. shopping to buy me something because I would feel really bad if there was nothing at all under the tree on Christmas morning for me. I made it clear how sad that would make me so he was put on notice.
So after that rant, what have I/did I do to try to make his Christmas special? Keep in mind, there was very little space in his suitcase and I can count on 2 fingers places that will deliver something other than flowers to Riyadh. But here it goes...I made an advent baggie for him that has a loving thought for every day thru Jan. 1st and put it in his suitcase; I had all 3 girls make him Xmas cards and included one from me too plus some pics, put them all in a Xmas sack for Xmas morning (suitcase); and I spent literally hours finding a place to send awesome French chocolates on Xmas Eve to his office in Riyadh. I didn't want to send a cake because he'll probably be there for his bday next month so I wanted something different and I was really excited when I found this place online (of course). I'll end this post now since we're back up on a positive note.
Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Terry and it was nice to sit down just the two of us and talk about whatever came to mind. It's always fun and easy with him. Today, I. and I went to the Helen Woodward Center to learn about and visit with dogs which we both enjoyed very much. Then, stopped off for a piece of pizza for lunch before going to preschool. Today was Baby Jesus' Birthday Party and I volunteered to help for the day, much to I.'s delight. It was a lot of fun hanging out with a bunch of excited 4 year olds for the afternoon but tiring as well. I. loved having me there so that made the experience even better - it's nice when you're kid is proud to show you off happily to her friends!
Now the not so good. Off and on last week and the week prior, I was suffering through the hassle and irritation of the "check debacle" as I call it. Without going through all the gory details, the bottom line is that due to a couple of issues, the ex's check was late and instead of contacting ME the person who has the checkbook and access to the post office, she keeps calling V., who is 8300 miles away, stressed out, and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day. To me, that just screams,"I don't give a shit about you, it's all about me. Where's my money?!!" What a bitch. Finally got that resolved late last week and had major irritation #2 handed to me this morning in the form of this exchange:
V.: "There's going to be some Juicy Couture boxes delivered to the house."
A.: "Oh really?"
V.: "Yeah, they're the other part of the girls' Xmas presents."
A.: "So, she called you again just to tell you what we were to buy them?"
V.: "This is why I just took care of it myself instead of telling you."
A." "You know, it feels again like you guys are the family and it's just I. and I over here on the sidelines. She calls you up to tell you what your girls want for Xmas and even though getting all the Xmas gifts is my job, you and her just talk it over and you go and do it without involving me at all. I guess I'm just here on my own."
Of course, he declared that ridiculous but you know, this just goes along with the "I'm taking the girls to Puerto Rico" bullshit. This is what I HATE the most about being apart for this past year - he's totally reverting back to the single man state of mind that he was in before we got together. Or as I call it "it's not all about you" attitude that he's been copping during the short times he has been home. It's like I have to break him out of it but by the time I do, he's gone again. I AM SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED OVER THIS!
Keep in mind, they're not going to get these presents until practically February when V. comes home. Regardless, they had to be ordered and delivered now. Which brings me to a related topic that has really been making me sad, to the point of tearing up, all day. It may sound immature, childish, or even selfish but so be it - I'm still going to say it anyways. I really don't think V. is going to send me anything for Christmas and that makes me cry. I wasn't expecting anything and would have been fine, but now that he made sure to immediately do what the ex said and get gifts delivered for the girls ASAP, well that changes everything.
I'm not going to say anything because I don't want him to send me anything unless he thinks of it and wants to. If he does nothing for Christmas, that says to me that I'm not special enough to him to make an effort to communicate to me somehow that he loves, cares about, and misses me. Bottom line, he just doesn't care enough to try to do something nice for me for Christmas. If this all comes to pass, it's just going to make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ten times harder and just adds another time this year where he had the opportunity to step up to the plate and just didn't fucking feel like it no matter how that made me feel. Keep in mind, that I did tell him that I asked my mom to take I. shopping to buy me something because I would feel really bad if there was nothing at all under the tree on Christmas morning for me. I made it clear how sad that would make me so he was put on notice.
So after that rant, what have I/did I do to try to make his Christmas special? Keep in mind, there was very little space in his suitcase and I can count on 2 fingers places that will deliver something other than flowers to Riyadh. But here it goes...I made an advent baggie for him that has a loving thought for every day thru Jan. 1st and put it in his suitcase; I had all 3 girls make him Xmas cards and included one from me too plus some pics, put them all in a Xmas sack for Xmas morning (suitcase); and I spent literally hours finding a place to send awesome French chocolates on Xmas Eve to his office in Riyadh. I didn't want to send a cake because he'll probably be there for his bday next month so I wanted something different and I was really excited when I found this place online (of course). I'll end this post now since we're back up on a positive note.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Dealing with Emotions
Kathy and I had a blast at dinner and the show. It's so nice to be with someone who I can totally be myself with and not worry that the person will be "shocked". I notice that I only am able to act like my pre-Momma self with 4 people, all of which I knew during my bad time 10 years ago. I think it's because they knew me then but also because I figure if they stuck with me then through the horrible times, then I can just let it all hang out. That's probably how I. feels about me too, come to think of it.
It's not that I am consciously holding back when I'm with my momma friends, it's like the pre-momma side of me just doesn't really appear. The problem is that whatever the post-momma side of me is, it doesn't consistently appear either. The only time I'm completely comfortable with my post-momma side is when it's just I. and I. When V. is here, he knew me then and loyally stuck by so I successfully divide myself between pre and post-momma me. Confusing, huh?
I've been waiting about 9 months to look at trikes for I.'s Santa present (she gets one from him) and so after I dropped her off at my parents' house, I went to look at some to make sure she would fit on it. Went home and ordered it online in my preferred color, $20 cheaper, free shipping. SCORE! I was so excited picturing her face when she saw it. Then, Sunday afternoon I went and picked up I. from my parents' house and the emotional upheaval began. My mom tells me she needs to show me something that they got her for Christmas and guess what? It's a Big Wheel, which is what I had been looking for but couldn't find and so settled for the trike. This thing's got lights, sounds, and buttons and if I had seen this, this is what I would have bought. I know my face just fell because my mom immediately noticed and even though we decided that they will give her it a few months from now, I still was crushed.
Maybe I'm being a baby but here's the deal. I'm trying to raise (and successfully doing so) an unspoiled, appreciative child. Also, there are 2 other children that we have to support financially so money isn't exactly flowing into the savings account. That being said, my parents are thoroughly enjoying buying lots of things for I. and that is fine by me. This is their only grandchild and I'm not going to begrudge them and it saves me having to buy some things. BUT, just a month ago for I.'s birthday, our big gift to her was to go to Legoland. When I called my parents to make sure they could go with us, my mom said that they had already planned on getting her a season pass and taking all of us to go. Yes, it saved us a bunch of money, but I no longer had her BIG present. Now, 6 mths. in the making, is her Christmas BIG present and it feels like a repeat. I feel like I was so excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I know she will like that other ride toy better. I mean, it has sounds, lights, buttons - come on, that's what matters to a little kid. I was so disappointed that when I showered that night, I just cried and continued sobbing at various times throughout the night.
It comes down to this: no matter what I do isn't good enough. Mentally, I challenge that but emotionally, that's how it feels. I plan for 6 months, do all my research, get what I think she wants but my parents get the better gift. I send the check to the girls' mom a couple of days late and still get grief because of it. With V. being gone the whole year, I just feel like the balls are starting to drop. I've worked hard to keep all the balls in the air - the house (needing repairs), the marriage, being a mother, daughter of a mom having health issues, finances, laundry, trash takeout, holiday decorations and celebrations (to keep I. and I's life as normal as possible), keeping myself healthy, taking care of all the pets, still dealing with the loss of Mark, etc. After this entire year, it's building up and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then when the balls start to drop here and there about stupid, unimportant stuff (ie. the girls' check being mailed 2 days late, not cleaning I.'s tennis shoes diligently), I start saying to myself, "See, no matter how much you do, it's not good enough because the balls are still dropping."
I know I need to cut myself slack, give myself a break, and give myself credit for all the things I successfully accomplish but it's hard. I really think this is my temperament and then my parents unfortunately reinforced this self-defeating mindset unwittingly. Throughout my school years, I would bring home mostly all A's. If it was all A's and one B+, that's what they would focus on. Geez, it's no wonder that I have that line running through my head "No matter what I do, it's not good enough." That being said, I am completely aware of this and have made a conscious promise that I will not do that to I. because I already see the signs in her - easily frustrated over mistakes or unsuccessful attempts, expectation that she can do it right the first time, and thinking she can do something even though it's too advanced for her. Maybe as I give this gift to her that my parents were too young to give to me, I can learn the lesson for myself as well. How many years does it take to unlearn a lesson that's been taught to you for 20+ years? Hopefully I'll learn it before I die.
It's not that I am consciously holding back when I'm with my momma friends, it's like the pre-momma side of me just doesn't really appear. The problem is that whatever the post-momma side of me is, it doesn't consistently appear either. The only time I'm completely comfortable with my post-momma side is when it's just I. and I. When V. is here, he knew me then and loyally stuck by so I successfully divide myself between pre and post-momma me. Confusing, huh?
I've been waiting about 9 months to look at trikes for I.'s Santa present (she gets one from him) and so after I dropped her off at my parents' house, I went to look at some to make sure she would fit on it. Went home and ordered it online in my preferred color, $20 cheaper, free shipping. SCORE! I was so excited picturing her face when she saw it. Then, Sunday afternoon I went and picked up I. from my parents' house and the emotional upheaval began. My mom tells me she needs to show me something that they got her for Christmas and guess what? It's a Big Wheel, which is what I had been looking for but couldn't find and so settled for the trike. This thing's got lights, sounds, and buttons and if I had seen this, this is what I would have bought. I know my face just fell because my mom immediately noticed and even though we decided that they will give her it a few months from now, I still was crushed.
Maybe I'm being a baby but here's the deal. I'm trying to raise (and successfully doing so) an unspoiled, appreciative child. Also, there are 2 other children that we have to support financially so money isn't exactly flowing into the savings account. That being said, my parents are thoroughly enjoying buying lots of things for I. and that is fine by me. This is their only grandchild and I'm not going to begrudge them and it saves me having to buy some things. BUT, just a month ago for I.'s birthday, our big gift to her was to go to Legoland. When I called my parents to make sure they could go with us, my mom said that they had already planned on getting her a season pass and taking all of us to go. Yes, it saved us a bunch of money, but I no longer had her BIG present. Now, 6 mths. in the making, is her Christmas BIG present and it feels like a repeat. I feel like I was so excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I know she will like that other ride toy better. I mean, it has sounds, lights, buttons - come on, that's what matters to a little kid. I was so disappointed that when I showered that night, I just cried and continued sobbing at various times throughout the night.
It comes down to this: no matter what I do isn't good enough. Mentally, I challenge that but emotionally, that's how it feels. I plan for 6 months, do all my research, get what I think she wants but my parents get the better gift. I send the check to the girls' mom a couple of days late and still get grief because of it. With V. being gone the whole year, I just feel like the balls are starting to drop. I've worked hard to keep all the balls in the air - the house (needing repairs), the marriage, being a mother, daughter of a mom having health issues, finances, laundry, trash takeout, holiday decorations and celebrations (to keep I. and I's life as normal as possible), keeping myself healthy, taking care of all the pets, still dealing with the loss of Mark, etc. After this entire year, it's building up and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then when the balls start to drop here and there about stupid, unimportant stuff (ie. the girls' check being mailed 2 days late, not cleaning I.'s tennis shoes diligently), I start saying to myself, "See, no matter how much you do, it's not good enough because the balls are still dropping."
I know I need to cut myself slack, give myself a break, and give myself credit for all the things I successfully accomplish but it's hard. I really think this is my temperament and then my parents unfortunately reinforced this self-defeating mindset unwittingly. Throughout my school years, I would bring home mostly all A's. If it was all A's and one B+, that's what they would focus on. Geez, it's no wonder that I have that line running through my head "No matter what I do, it's not good enough." That being said, I am completely aware of this and have made a conscious promise that I will not do that to I. because I already see the signs in her - easily frustrated over mistakes or unsuccessful attempts, expectation that she can do it right the first time, and thinking she can do something even though it's too advanced for her. Maybe as I give this gift to her that my parents were too young to give to me, I can learn the lesson for myself as well. How many years does it take to unlearn a lesson that's been taught to you for 20+ years? Hopefully I'll learn it before I die.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
A Couple of Nights Off From Motherhood
I'm leaving in 5 minutes to meet Kathy, a good girlfriend of mine (see last week's post) to go downtown to eat and see the Seinfeld show at the Civic. I know we will have a great time because as stated previously, Kathy likes to laugh and usually brings out the feisty and sometimes raunchy side of me. You know, that side that you have to keep hidden when the kids are around.
The only sad part is that these Seinfeld tickets were an early Christmas gift to V. from my parents because V. is a rabid Seinfeld fan. So it is bittersweet that he isn't going to be enjoying it with me. Last night he was in such a bad mood (and it wasn't even 6:30am there yet) that all he said to me basically when he called was to ask if I had sent the check to the girls' mother so obviously she had taken the time to email him as to where was her money. Keep in mind, yesterday was only the 4th and she knows he's in Saudi Arabia so you know what, in my book that's being bitchy.
Will post more later about my evening off as a momma last night tomorrow when I'm back on momma duty.
The only sad part is that these Seinfeld tickets were an early Christmas gift to V. from my parents because V. is a rabid Seinfeld fan. So it is bittersweet that he isn't going to be enjoying it with me. Last night he was in such a bad mood (and it wasn't even 6:30am there yet) that all he said to me basically when he called was to ask if I had sent the check to the girls' mother so obviously she had taken the time to email him as to where was her money. Keep in mind, yesterday was only the 4th and she knows he's in Saudi Arabia so you know what, in my book that's being bitchy.
Will post more later about my evening off as a momma last night tomorrow when I'm back on momma duty.
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