Christmas Day

I was so exhausted by the time I got home last night around 9pm that I couldn't even attempt to blog. My body felt like it had been through a car accident from a long day plus hours on my feet on the hard tile helping fix Christmas dinner. Unfortunately, a good night's sleep was not in the cards and I literally had a nightmare every time I turned over (and I was turning over a lot because my body was achy).

Christmas morning at our house was quiet, sweet, and simple. I. was excited for me to open her gifts and the happy, satisfied look she got on her face when I told her how much I liked each one was priceless. She liked all her gift and stocking items and then it was time for the Santa present - the tricycle. She was excited to see it and jumped on board but the true excitement showed on her face when she was pedaling full-tilt on my parents' patio when we went over there. It was really neat to see!

As I got dressed and ready to go over to my parents' house, part of me was kind of sad because I knew this simple, happy feeling I had during our morning would not transfer over there and I was right. I mean, I. had fun because she loves my parents and my brother but the stress level was palapable. There's stress over the presents - the expectation level put on some of them is unbelievable. Luckily, I didn't have one of those this year but I felt uncomfortable with the amount of stuff. The real stress was my sister (big surprise there). There were very few gifts that she received that she didn't have some complaint or criticism about; it's just so irritating. She knows it all and acts like everyone else is an idiot. Even her "big" present turned into a stressful thing. My parents gave her a computer (don't even get me started). I think they view it as a way to get her to enroll in an online certificate program. Of course, she just sees it as a way to download more music onto her Ipod. She starts the computer up and announces that she needs a DVD right now to back up the programs because this is what it says she has to do. There are so many more presents for everyone to open but we are just supposed to drop everything and start running around looking for a DVD for her because that is our purpose in her life you know - to do everything that she wants immediately. That therein is where our value lies.

Her new BF that no one has met was supposed to pick her up around 3pm but that turned into a problem and when she called, he said he was tired from dropping off his daughter and didn't want to drive to pick her up. So instead of dealing with him about it, she tells my brother he has to drive her 35 minutes away to her BF's house and when he refuses, she begins yelling at him. Then she starts freaking out and yelling at my parents that she HAS TO see him and why can't they understand that? She's 26 mind you, not 14. My dad finally agress to take her, just to get her out of the house, but they need to leave now, not in 2 hours like she told the BF because he doesn't want to miss dinner. She goes up to the bedroom (that I. sleeps in that is now TRASHED after one night), grabs some clothes, and storms out of the house without any presents, any thank yous, or any goodbyes. Yeah, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

The rest of Christmas was okay - dinner prep a little stressful, parents bickering in the kitchen as tradition demands but overall, we were just so thankful that she wasn't there that we laughed a little at the table. Last night when I went to bed, I missed I. so much it made me cry. It is so confusing as a mother (especially since it's just her and I) to be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by her every day but then when she's not here, I miss her viscerally. Of course, if V. was here, it would have been okay because I would still have my role as wife. Without both of them, I feel lost - I don't have to be a wife or a mother so who am I? Just me and that's okay except during the holiday season. I don't want to be just me right now because I looked forward for over a decade to have my own little family and to celebrate with my own little family and I haven't been able to do that for the past 2 years. That's really sad. However, I've got a lot to do today while I. is playing with my parents at their house so I had better get to it!