A Mixed Bag

We had a really good time at Disney on Ice. Our seats were good and it was great hanging out, my girl and I. I remembered sitting with my mother at this same location, watching Mickey Mouse on ice skates, about 35 years ago. Wow!

I. woke up Saturday with a 104 temperature and was sick all day. Needless to say, we didn't go to the birthday party and took it easy all day. V. played games on the Ipad with I. after resttime which allowed me to do my closet project. The inevitable one when you have to take all your pants out of the closet to make room for the small selection of pregnancy clothes. It had to be done because the time is drawing near when I'll have to be wearing these things. Yesterday was officially 3 months. I was excited about that until I realized that on the flip side that means I only have 6 months left before my life changes immensely. Then I got scared and sad too because it won't just be I. and I any more. I know it'll be great in a different way but you know, I'm just sentimental about it. All the pregnancy books talk about this swirl of conflicting emotions as being normal but that doesn't help with the confusing aspects of feeling two conflicting emotions at the same time. I still am not good with that though it seems like I get plenty of practice with it in recent times.

My mom said last week that she had to come up sometime this week to see I. and this afternoon is the only day that works. I. is really looking forward to it and so was I, thinking I could get some things done until I got an email from my dad saying that my mom, who is notoriously at least 30 minutes late, will try to be here at 1:45. 1:45??!! I. eats dinner at 3:00 and my mom knows that and with I. still recovering from being sick and having 3 tiring, consecutive days of school starting tomorrow, I don't want to get her in bed late. To me it's like "Why even bother?" especially if she doesn't skid in here until 2:15. This is why I can never and will never be able to rely on my mom for help. People hear that she lives 30 minutes away and say, "Oh, that's nice. She probably helps out alot." but no, not really. Not really at all.

I'm not going to dwell on this though because I have my last massage scheduled this morning. "Last massage" meaning it will probably be the last one that insurance will cover though I'm not sure since I'm still having problems from the accident on my right side. Well, we'll see but regardless, I'm going to enjoy it immensely.

Disney on Ice

Well I survived the morning of returning Media and enjoyed volunteering at I.'s school. She loved it and kept giving me hugs and kisses. It's funny how she's such an independent kid (i.e. she has no problem separating and being away from me) but when I am there, she's so demonstrably affectionate. I like it so much and it's a real reward for me as a stay at home momma. What I mean by that is that because I am home all the time, she takes it for granted and doesn't act like that with me. But when I show up at places where she's used to being without me, she really lavishes the love.

This morning we are going to see Disney on Ice. I wasn't going to take her to it because she gets to go to movies, gymnastics, science class etc. Then she saw the commercial for it every morning and thought it looked neat. She asked to go maybe once but other than that she just watched. Then I got an email offer for $12 tickets and good seats at that. I checked out the regular prices and the cheapest nosebleed seats were $16. The seats that we could get for $12 are more like $30 and the fact that she didn't harangue me about it made me want to surprise her. Plus I am looking for opportunities to do things with her, just the two of us while we still can. I. is really excited and so am I.

Yesterday I was so tired from being on my feet for 6 hours straight yesterday and I'm still feeling it this morning. Looks like there will not be any resttime today either (hasn't been since Monday) because we have to pick up a present for a birthday party tomorrow morning. I am really, truly, and sincerely looking forward to sleeping in a little the next 2 days.

Tough Morning, Joyful Afternoon

Busy day today - wait a minute many days in the last few weeks have been busy days. I really feel like a hamster running on a wheel Tuesdays thru Thursdays. I think it's a function of extra appointments thanks to that accident over a month ago (how can that still be affecting my daily life, I don't know) and that those 3 days of the week are subdivided into 1.5 hour intervals. That gives the hamster on the wheel illusion.

Today is no different except that part of it is going to suck and part of it will be great. Let's start with the great. At I.'s school once a year, they have a restaurant day when all the classes have snack time together in a restaurant setting. They are seated, given a menu, and then a waitress comes to take their order. Their food is brought and then they pay with "money" before they leave. I volunteered for it last year and it was a lot of fun. Since my days of helping in her classroom will be limited for the next few years, I am jumping at volunteering in her class at least for all the holiday type of events (those are the most fun for me to see I. experiencing). So today I will be her waitress and I. is really excited about it. This morning when she was getting dressed, she ran up to me and through her arms around me and said, "You're going to be at my school all day today!" Does it get any better than that? Nope. So that's the good part from 12:30 to 3:00.

The not so good part is that when I drop I. off at her before school "science class" at 10:30, I will have our foster cat, Media, in the car with us, crying the whole time because this morning is when I have to take her back to Petco. I know she'll have a better chance at adoption if people see here and as luck would have it, there are very many other cats over there right now so maybe that'll help. But still, it breaks my heart because she's not going to understand that. All she's going to know is that she's been here for 2 months, getting love and attention and be able to run and play and now she'll be back in a small plastic enclosure. How depressing all the way around. Another volunteer is walking me through the process of returning cats to Petco so that'll take awhile meaning that as soon as I'm done at Petco, I'll have to race back to I.'s school. I'll have to pack something for my lunch, something that I can eat while driving. That sounds relaxing. Thank goodness that I have the positive, happy experience to enjoy after Petco or the afternoon would be swirling down the drain.

This Time Around is Different

They say that your second pregnancy is different than your first. You already have been through it and are distracted and busy with your first one so you don't have as much time to ponder the ins and outs of daily pregnancy. In a way, this is true.

Last night, I got out one of the pregnancy books to see what this week held for me and the baby. When I was pregnant with I., those books were piled up around the house and I would look at them daily. I can't do that this time around, not because I don't have time to look at them, but because I. is so doggone observant that she would be asking why this book with a baby on it was lying around. Then she would proceed to look through it and ask about all the pictures. I'm afraid of what the next topic of conversation would be with her.

I don't want to tell her yet because it's still a long time off. I also don't want to tell her yet because she is finally open and excited about getting a bed and moving out of the crib. Finally, I don't want to tell her because we're still having issues with potty training, though at this point in the process, I'm not sure that it can even still be called that. She went a whole 30 days (from Christmas to just a few days ago) dry, no accidents. I didn't want to say anything to jinx it. Then all of a sudden, she's peed in her pants for no apparent reason 3 out of the last 5 days. She's not sick, tired, no changes to her life or schedule - don't ask me, I don't friggin' know. What I do know is that when I picked her up from the gym and saw that she was completely wet, it irritated me to no end and I really didn't even want to speak to her. I know that sounds horrible but please, it's been since June 2009 that I've been dealing with this. To put it in perspective, I was concerned about getting her potty trained in time for preschool and now I'm concerned about getting her potty trained for kindergarten, when she'll almost be 6. I don't know any mother who would have that much patience for one continuous topic for that length of time.

Anyways, back to the topic I meant to talk about - I got the book out last night and was blown away that the baby was already 2 inches long and that my uterus was the size of a grapefruit. It hit me - I'm pregnant. Isn't that weird? You would think when they took 7 vials of blood out of me yesterday afternoon for the first round of tests that I would know I was pregnant. I mean, I know it pretty much every minute of the day but it really hit me when I read about these sizable measurements. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that no one really knows so it's not a daily topic of conversation. So maybe once it's common knowledge out there, it'll feel more like the first time around. We'll have to see.

Blah Blah Blah

The weekend went by pretty well except for the discovery on Friday night that not all inflatable beds are created equal. I've slept on one before and was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was. That wasn't the case with the one at my parents' house - this one was torture. I sleep mostly on my side and when I rolled onto my side, it felt like my hip was resting directly on the wood floor which is less than comfortable to say the least. The dog successfully made it through its separation from my dad and was well-behaved, just like a kid when its parents aren't around. We had a good time Saturday celebrating V.'s birthday and all in all, it was a good weekend.

Busy week - first blood test today, helping at I.'s school, dentist appointments, plus the normal errands and duties. On top of this, I have to bring Media, our foster cat, back to Petco on Thursday and it's making me sad. We've had her for 2 months (it was really only supposed to be for 2 weeks) and now she probably thinks this is her new home. But I will have to put her in a crate and cart her back to the Petco prison. I try to keep in mind that she will have a better chance at being adopted if people can see her there. But it's not helping all that much. I've given a last ditch shout out on Facebook and there is a slight chance of hope but it's slim.

I. is in a mood this morning, actually most mornings she is. It's that "What should I play? I don't know what to play." whine that travels up and down my spine and causes me to utter old momisms like "I'm going to get a trashbag and put all your toys in it if you don't be quiet and start playing with something." It's frustrating to me. I was an only child and I don't remember whining every morning about not knowing what to do. Of course, I don't remember what I actually did before I could read because once I could read, that's what I did all morning and throughout the day. That and play in the backyard with my dog. This weekend, it was so nice to be able to send I. out in the back to play - I really wish we had a backyard. Oh well.

This is such a boring post that even I can almost not stand it. I think this whole morning is a function of not sleeping well. I had stressful, dangerous, bad, scary dreams all morning that had me waking up on edge. The only bright spot so far is that last night was the first night in almost 2 months when I didn't have to get up once or twice to use the bathroom, which means that my uterus has gravitated northward and isn't resting on my bladder any more. This Sunday will be 12 weeks - it's hard to believe. I'm looking forward to my appointment next week to hear our little rabbit's heartbeat, at least that's what it sounds like to me. That thought brings a warm glow to my heart and that may be just enough to fan into a full-fledged flame to enjoy the rest of the day.

Dog Sitting Expedition

Well, I didn't get another phone call from my parents so I am assuming that they are heading out this morning for their Vegas trip. Now let's just hope they don't get lost. Don't laugh - these two drove through the entire state of Arizona looking for Phoenix and didn't realize they were lost until they hit the New Mexico state line. So, now you get why I'm a little concerned. As long as I don't get a cell phone call from them sometime in the afternoon, things should be okay.

Around here, I got alot done last night so that there wouldn't be too much left this morning. Unfortunately I do need to clean up the litter room, my least favorite task but aside from that, we just need to get ready and go. We're going to stop off at a bundt cake place on the way to Carlsbad to pick up some little cakes for V.'s birthday celebration tomorrow and then drop off our stuff at my parents' house. The plan is to get I.'s trike and head to the sea wall for lunch and a ride/walk along the beach. In my single days when I lived in North County, I used to go down to that sea wall all the time - for exercise, fresh air, or just to think. Now I'll be going back with my daughter.

Hopefully the dog and all her high-maintenance routines, especially around bedtime, don't drive me nuts. It's only for a couple of days, right?

Positive Thinking and Then Not

Why is it that when I am having one of those days, those good days, when I'm feeling hopeful and happy, something ugly has to enter the picture? It didn't wipe out the good thoughts of the day but it did put an angry, yucky taste in my mouth.

Yesterday I was watching I. in her gymnastics class and I was thinking about how after summer, she would not have the luxury of taking these classes in the weekday morning hours. In fact, if her bedtime doesn't shift to later, she won't be taking these classes at all. But I was enjoying the fact that I was able to sit there and watch her enjoy her class and that I've been able to share all these experiences, just her and I, for more than 5 years. We did the Mommy & Me classes, the swim lessons together, all the trips to the Zoo, Sea World, Wild Animal Park and playdates just her and me. I'm really thankful for that and I think that will help the process that will take place when the new baby comes (at least I hope so).

What's also cool, and it goes back to my timing topic, is that now with this next one, I'll be able to do a lot of the same thing, just he/she and I during the weekday morning hours because I. will be in school. Although I'm a great multi-tasker, I know myself well enough to know that I would feel guilty trying to multi-task attention on a daily basis between the two kids. The way the timing has worked out, I'll be able to give the second one the one on one time that I'd like and then when I. comes home, I won't feel guilty about trying to give her as much attention as I want to/am able to. Now I'm not naive, I know it won't be as simple as that. I remember what a baby is like. Just because I. is home and I want to give her attention doesn't mean that it's going to easily happen. But I am confident that I will figure it out and be able to give I. what she needs without neglecting what the baby is going to need.

So that was how I was feeling yesterday - happy, hopeful, confident, excited. And then the phone rang at 5:30. It was my mom sounding like she was on death's door, sicker than a dog. This weekend is when they are going to Las Vegas - I've done a lot of research for them, made a creative, reveal gift out of it, gotten them a gift card, made all the reservations etc., not to mention doing the pet sitting and house sitting. But most of all, they haven't gone on a proper vacation just the two of them for almost 10 years because of that needy, unsocialized dog of theirs. So I was excited for them to go.

My mom was really sick with the flu or something, she had been in bed all day sleeping which was good. She almost called in the morning to tell me to cancel everything, that they couldn't go. But that's not the ugly, stupid part of this whole thing, that's not what made me mad. It was that she was calling me from the car sitting in front of Trader Joe's where my bitch sister was inside buying some groceries (with my parents' money). Un-fucking-believable. I don't need to comment on this further, it speaks for itself.

When I get angry about this constantly reoccurring situation, I just chat what has become my mantra, "Just wait til they're gone because you're gonna be in a world of shit." And it makes me feel better.

Thinking About Timing

For a lot of my life, my timing has appeared to be off. I would meet a good guy but I would be too young for the commitment necessary to keep him. Then at the time I needed a jerk the least and was the most vulnerable was when I met the nightmare of a guy and put myself through emotional hell. It's the story we all have in our lives I know but up until V., it was a source of aggravation to me. It just seemed like I was always one step off from happiness.


Until V. - we were both single by choice and not wanting any suffocating relationship which is pretty much how we both bitterly viewed every relationship at that point in our lives. That all changed after we became friends and friendly competitors at work, one day it was like a 2x4 hit us both upside our heads and it was like the scales fell from our eyes like in the Bible. Now in the first 6 months, it wasn't all flowers and sunshine, though much of it was. A lot of it was us wrestling with our own inner demons that worked on pulling us apart, looking out for our own protected interests, and trying to make sure we didn't get hurt.


The other day I was thinking about this baby. Why now? Why didn't it happen 2.5 years ago? I know I'll never know why for sure but as my mind wandered around the topic as I was driving, it came back to that timing thing again. You see, I. was a force of nature since she was born and the thought of another one would cause panic to rise in me. Then Mark got diagnosed with cancer and almost died. After I visited him in Seattle while he was in the hospital, it hit me that I knew that I wanted two kids and life was too short to run scared about having another one. And so we started trying hard for that second one. To no avail.

Then Mark died and V. wasn't able to be there for me in any shape or form and honestly, I thought, "Do I really want to bring another child in the world with someone who ditches me when I really need him?" It sort of killed my desire for another one. But we got the wheels back on the marriage car and learned some valuable lessons for the future in the process and we kept trying without luck. At some point, I made peace and became okay with I. being an only child and moved on.

Then it happened, the stars and planets lined up and it took! But why then and not when we were trying so hard? What I came up with was this: when Mark was really sick, my body was so stressed I couldn't even eat. Then he died and literally for almost a year, I grieved - hard. But then I began healing (and eating), slowly a springtime of sorts sprouted in me. V. and I healed our wounds from this time period in our marriage as my body began healing itself, opening itself up to being able to feel new joys. A beautiful sunset, a good day with I., a warm breeze on my face - the things that make me happy and thankful that I am alive. And that's when it happened. The thing that Mark's illness made me realize I wanted and should pursue happened once I healed and could begin cherishing the special times he and I had.

That is perfect timing.

Quiet Moments

Yesterday was a busy but good day. First to the gym for a quick treadmill workout, then straight to my parents' house for lunch and instructions for this weekend's housesitting/dog sitting while they go to Vegas (one of our Christmas presents to them). Then home for bath and bedtime.

The weather was so nice, high 70s which is a nice change from what we've had lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those lamenting our cool summer weather. I like low 70s/high 60s weather most of the time but a little bit warmer here and there is good too.

I got I. in bed and went on the back patio to bask in the warm air. I'm supposed to be thinking about what my "perfect" birth experience looks like. It's my first assignment from my doula. What better place to do this than on the patio with peace and quiet, looking at the warm sunlight glowing on the back embankment, feeling the warm air on my skin, and seeing the hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower. It's still kind of awkward to put this "perfect" picture together but I think it will be one of those things that just develops over time when I'm not really thinking hard about it. Bits and pieces here and there.

Today is V.'s birthday and a chocolate cake is being delivered to the San Francisco office this afternoon. I think he'll be surprised. I guess I'll find out this afternoon. Another nice warm day today, probably the last for the week so I will take advantage of another twilight on the patio this evening.

Easy Decision

I met with the other doula this morning, a very nice lady who seemed to be experienced and competent. It was funny though, I almost immediately knew when I met with her that I would go with the first one. It was one of those intuitive feelings where you just know right off the bat what is right and then it's later when you start putting little things together that you realize why you knew. I don't want to say what wasn't right with the second doula because it wasn't really that she wasn't right. It was that she made me immediately see why the other one was righter. The grammar in this post is pretty atrocious but these made up words communicate things better.

Yesterday, when I saw the first doula, I felt calm. She was visibly soothing to me. Weird, huh? It's hard to explain but like I said yesterday, she had this calm, peaceful aura about her even before she spoke. She offered to buy me a beverage at Starbucks (where we met) which was nice and she complimented me on how well I looked for being almost 10 weeks along. Since right now I don't look particularly pregnant, just bulky and thick, I really appreciated that and it made me feel proud of myself. And you know, that's part of a doula's job in the thick of things - to make you have pride and feel confidence in yourself that you can do this labor thing. So it gave me a little sneak peek.

Another thing was that she only takes on one mother a month. Today's doula takes on four a month and talked about "building her business". Now I understand that this is her business and that's fine with me. But when the other one was talking, I could feel that she wasn't in it as a business (obviously not if you only take one person a month). She was it because she loved it and felt it was her life's calling/work. Her face and tone of voice radiated this and I just felt a warmth when she spoke about it.

Now, am I going to tell V. all of these warm fuzzy feelings that went into this decision? Absolutely not. Oh my gosh, he would probably go into convulsions and never recover. I mean, trust me, I've been through labor before and even with this doula, I'm not picturing that it's going to be some big long kumbaya moment. But if I was to tell V. all of this, that's what he would picture and be dreading it. For all his teasing, he is fine with it. He knows I'm not really good about asking for help and that if I think this will help, it must be worthwhile. He also knows that I don't make decisions lightly nor do I spend hundreds of dollars without a really good reason based on research, pros and cons, and my gut instinct. It's maybe once a year or every two years that I announce a big ticket purchase and believe me, I have the list of reasons why we should. Not that he requires that of me but that's how both of our minds work and it saves lots and lots of "should we? shouldn't we?" conversations that neither of us has the words left over for and energy to participate in. We both just like to cut to the chase and move on.

How this turned into a dissection of our marital decision making, I'm not sure. Before I get going on some other tangent, I'm going to stop so I can relax my brain and head to bed. After my bowl of cereal with berries of course...I'm embarrassed to tell you how much I look forward to it. When V.'s not here, it's almost the highlight of my evenings. So pathetic!

Doula Interview Part 1

I had the meeting with the first doula yesterday and it went well. For someone like myself who isn't the most extroverted, socially confident, verbose person in the world, I was a little concerned that it would be awkward to sit down, have coffee, and chat with a total stranger. But it wasn't bad at all. I felt comfortable with her and she had a calm aura about her because she is a doula you know. So I relaxed and we talked. Today is the second person and we'll see how that one goes.

One thing I got out of yesterday's discussion was that I feel pretty confident that I could have a much better labor process than I had with I. Of course, considering the last time, that's a safe assumption. V. is still making fun of me but not in a cruel way, just in a way that he has an opportunity to do so and is making the most of it. He says, "Did you tell her that she was going to be 1 of 5 doulas you were having?" He makes it sound like one will be massaging my feet, one peeling grapes, one massaging me, etc. Yeah, he's a funny guy. I told him that he should be encouraging me to get one since it'll take the pressure and expectations off of him. But it's an opportunity to tease and he never misses one.

I'm looking forward to my insurance paid massage this afternoon but it also reminded me that I need to shave my legs. One cannot have a massage with stubbly legs. With V. gone and it being cold at night, I just have foregone the leg shaving. Once a week when V. is home and that's about it for the week unless for some reason I get a wild hair about it. Hee hee a wild hair about shaving...

Tick Tick

My time is running out, my time of wearing my "normal" clothes, more specifically my pants. I'm still fitting in them but I can feel it getting snugger. It's funny how the first time you're just dying to get into maternity clothes. I laughed when I looked in my pregnancy journal from last time and I had already put on a maternity top to wear to a function. This time, I'm trying to delay dragging that box out of the garage, the one semi-full of maternity clothes. It's not that I dislike maternity clothes 'cause I don't. Actually what I don't like is the stage I'm at now. Expanding but not identifiable as pregnant - just kind of thick in the middle. Believe me, I'm not wishing to be farther along because I know what awaits me, how fast it will go, and the infinite number of complications, logistics, and exhaustion that is at the end of this process.

I will just try to be happily "thick" and enjoy each day of being a mother of one. While I still can.

Monday Reentry

Today should be a good reentry into the week. It's no good when Monday is full of shoulds and have-tos - that just sets the tone for the whole week. At least for me it does. Sometimes I have no choice but this week I did.

We start with gymnastics for I. which she loves and I do too. Not only because I get to watch her but also because in between watching her, I read a book or magazine. It just makes for a nice way to continue my mind waking process. Because as anyone who knows me knows, I am not a morning person, which is hard when you have a vivacious kid who is. I. is just "on" until she's not. And then boy, you had better be close to her bed so that you can launch her in there or she will blow!

After gymnastics, we head to the chiropractor so both of us can get straightened out. Then while I. eats lunch in the back of the car, we'll head over to the movie theater to meet my mom, who hopefully won't be too late, and see "Tangled" before it leaves the movie theater. Afterwards, my mom is going to come over to see a few things at our house since she hasn't been over for awhile (thanks to my bitch sister). I'm hoping that will take us up to I.'s dinner and bed time because then I will be home free. Well, we'll see about that...

I say that because for the last couple of weeks, I. has been pushing the limit at bedtime. She gets to call me one time and then that's it. Well, she's been calling me that one time for just an extra kiss and then calling again for another poopoo expedition. Then she'll start saying that's she's hungry and she'll keep saying it until I threaten to close the door. Eventually that gets her to stop but by then I'm pissed and irritated. Keep in mind when it comes to the hungry thing that it's BS because she says it even after going to On The Border for chips, a full kids' meal (you know, up to 12 years old) and a scoop of vanilla ice cream for dessert. I mean, come on, she's 5 years old. So I know she's had enough food.

So last night while I was getting her ready for bed and V. was there, I told her that if she called me after poopoos or started throwing a fit about being hungry when she had plenty to eat that the door would be closed end of story. After getting her in bed and getting in the shower, she called V. in for poops and afterwards started with the "I'm hungry" bit and V. shut the door. Almost one hour to the minute, she finally stopped crying loudly and fell asleep. Painful and irritating at the time but I anticipate that I won't need to do much more than threaten a door closure to get the behavior to stop for the next several months. At least I hope so...

Great Day

Yesterday, I. and I ended up having a great day together. We got ready. got in the car and then I let I. choose between the Zoo and the Wild Animal Park. She chose the Wild Animal Park and off we went. It was cold and most kids were in school so we had the place pretty much to ourselves until mid-afternoon when we were leaving.

First, we hit the carousel.


After a relaxing lunch next to the bird lagoon at 11:30, thanks to I.'s never ending appetite, we walked over to feed the lorikeets before hitting a bird show that we hadn't seen before.

Then we walked down to the bottom of the Park to board the tram into the "Heart of Africa". Do you know we've never been on it because I didn't realize until yesterday when I asked that it is included for free with our membership? It was fun to have another new thing to experience together.

We had to hit the petting zoo on our way out - always a highlight of our trip.

And as we walked out, we saw the rhino statue. I. said, "Can I take a picture on it?" So here is the resulting picture.

During bathtime, we both said how much fun we had together today and I got a big kiss on the lips too. I am really going to miss these weekdays of ours when she starts kindergarten. It makes me want to cry.

Our Idyllwild Trip

Here's our cabin from the back hill. When we got here it was pouring rain, 35 degrees and dropping, and the property mgmt. company who had our keys was closed for some unknown reason. After an emergency call, we finally got the keys, careened to the cabin on icy patches, and unloaded the car in the freezing rain up 2 flights of icy stairs. That's when we found out that the groceries that were supposed to be in the cabin, were not there and we basically had no food. Thank God I packed I. dinner but poor V. had to make a quick, scary trip to the closest store to get anything he could find to eat. Good thing because we were iced in for another day and a half - lots of pasta and sauce with turkey hotdogs. I don't think I'll ever eat a turkey hotdog again.


There was a chest of costumes upstairs in the loft so the next day, we rummaged around and this is what we came up with.

What would an Idyllwild trip be without some twilight and sunset pictures? I hiked up the back snow covered hill until I was high enough to almost see the horizon.

I just stood still and watched the sky go from dark blue to lavender with brilliant yellows, pinks, and oranges. It was so quiet. All I could hear was the sound of snow falling off the pine trees.

Gorgeous!

Icicles are cool until you're trying to walk down these stairs. Solid sheets of ice but they were fun to break off, I have to admit.

I really wanted one fire while we were up in Idyllwild. I mean, that's part of the experience. Problem was that we didn't have any little wood for kindling. So I took the first shift and split logs with the claw of a hammer until I couldn't and V. took over. We should have probably stopped now.


Here's the result of our hard work and we actually kept it going for a few hours. I had forgotten how much work it takes to keep a fire going though. Makes me enjoy our gas fireplace at home but you can't beat the smell of real wood burning.

Here's the reason we should have stopped with the hammer. V. took a chunk out of his palm and there was blood everywhere. No first aid kit, no bandaids, no Bactine. We had to make do with dishwashing soap, cold water and an artfully tied kitchen towel around the wound. Poor V.!

The trip had its good moments. It was great to hang out as a family. It was fantastic for I. and V. to see so much of each other. It was so nice to read something at night and be able to share it with V. right then - it was nice to have company at night. I got time to play with I. which was fun. What was probably best was after I got I. in bed, I didn't have a list of things I needed to do/should be doing/staring at me. You know what I mean and that was a huge freeing, emotionally good thing for me.

The hardest part was that the altitude took a lot out of me and from about 10 to 5 I really didn't feel good. I was also trying not to worry about the lackluster reception I had gotten at the doctor's office and the impending ultrasound to verifty that everything was okay. Then I have a bad problem with insomnia made worse with my inability to take any herbs or vodka and I have to make sure I really relax before I go to bed. So the first night there, I pull down the sheets to jump in the bed and there is this mother f*in huge black spider in the sheets running around. Exactly what I did not need before trying to relax and fall asleep. Somehow I still was able to fall asleep and not obsess about the creature (which was deposited into the toilet).

So I do think that we were vacation challenged in 2010 and am hoping for a turn of luck this year. I've got to get busy planning some travelling before August, some trips for just V. and I and some for the 3 of us, while it's just the 3 of us. That topic of the 3 of us is a whole 'nother topic that I am not getting into now, not when I'm going to be heading to bed soon. After a big bowl of cereal and berries - did I mention how hungry I get these days??

Tired

That's the one word to describe me right now - tired. Physically tired, yes. Tired of how no matter what I. is doing, as soon as I start posting, she inevitably will appear next to me, asking and/or whining about something. It's like a sick phenomenon. I try not to get annoyed but when it happens each morning, it gets old. I can't write during the day, I'm too busy doing and by the time I am able to at night, I just can't - I'm too drained, too exhausted.

I know this won't go on forever and really, I'm tired of hearing myself say how tired I am. I think it's just a result of being overwhelmed with a lot of things. Last night I found myself with an iota of energy so I put away laundry, put another load in, and finally unpacked V. and I's bags from our mountain trip. Yeah, the one I still haven't posted about. I need to download the pics to accompany the story and honestly, after doing the chores I just mentioned, I laid down on the living room floor to watch tv with a blanket because I was too tired to sit up on the sofa.

I wish I could say that I got good sleep last night but I didn't. For one thing, I got up for my nighttime bathroom visit closer to 4:30 rather than around 2ish so it made it hard to go back to sleep. Then since V. wasn't here to feed the cats, they were running laps around this same time since that's usually when V. feeds them. As I was starting to relax, I heard this distant beeping (I had ear plugs in, everything's distant) that would stop and then start again a couple of minutes later. I finally couldn't take it and wandered the bedroom until I finally located the offending noise - I.'s play cellphone that was running out of batteries and was beeping. Grrrr...

Today I had high hopes of going to the zoo or the Wild Animal Park for the day. Now I'm considering Chuck E. Cheese just so I can get some sort of resttime. To complicate things, I. has not been getting enough sleep the last 3 days and her attitude and frustration directly reflect this. As I finish this post, she's gotten out every sticker page she can find in her art drawer and has them strewned on the carpet. In one of my lesser "momma" moments, I just told her that she needs to put those away now or I'm getting the trashcan and putting them away for her. Yeah, I know - could have used a different tactic but this whole week, every time it's time to leave the house, I come downstairs (after coordinating the upstairs' pickup) and there are little piles here and there. Instead of running even later, we end up leaving and inevitably, I'm picking all this crap up after she goes to bed. Thus the "I'm getting the trash can" method of compliance.

Oh well, we all have our moments right? I'm off to salvage this day now.

Random Musings

A glimpse into my small mind this morning:

How many times yesterday at my appointment was I asked if I was taking prenatal vitamins?
4 times...do I look like an uneducated redneck with missing teeth?

My theory on leftovers is this: if you are the one doing the meal planning, the shopping, and the cooking, you LOVE leftovers. You can cook one meal and then draw a straight line across at least 3 days worth of dinners and be done with it. If you are just the one showing up and eating it, leftovers are something to be dreaded and avoided at all costs.

When I'm in the kitchen cleaning up with the water and the dishwasher on and I. is in the living room talking to me, is it wrong to just let her continue talking thinking that I can hear her? This judgement call is usually in direct proportion to what level my mental and emotional reserves are at.

I was relieved to see that after pigging out over the holidays, being on vacation another 5 days, and not getting nearly the amount of exercise I normally get, I only put on 1 pound since 12/23.

These days I vacillate between starving and uncomfortably full. There doesn't seem to be any in between. I know it's all about small meals often but when your day is fragmented into 2 hour blocks of different places, it's hard to accomplish.

Today I'm going to the gym for the first time since right after Christmas. I'm hoping for a better workout than last time since I was so low on energy, I felt like I was schlepping around in between machines ready to sit down and not get up again and it really pissed me off. I need to prepare myself for the fact that it's going to be crowded with all the New Year's resolution people.

I want to go to the gym because I am already dreading after this baby comes and I'm effectively "banned" from the gym for 6 months due to the minimum age in the Kids' Club. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't haul a month old baby in just so I could go to the gym, I'm not that bad (really, I'm not). It's just that my body really needs alot of strength training in order to stay strong and healthy. Walks with the baby will not get me back in shape - I did that last time and it didn't do it. Good thing I have the radical exercise DVDs that I was planning on using before I found out about this latest development. I will have to break those bad boys out as soon as the doctor says it's okay.

Well, enough talking about the gym, now it's time to get ready and get going.

Did I See It?

Yes, I did see that little heart fluttering at top speed. I saw the shape of the baby and to my surprise, it looked more like a baby than the guppy I was expecting. Keep in mind, most ultrasounds are done later in a pregnancy - the baby is barely 8 weeks old. Even so, it had already unfurled its little body so the head shape was evident with its little body curling out from its neck.

Doctor says this is good news despite the little spotting here and there and that the baby is measuring exactly as it should. Of course, after he says this he moves on to all the genetic counselling he recommends, including an ultrasound because you know I am 40 and somehow that means that all hell has a high chance of occurring. At least that's how they make you feel. I wonder if this is how they treat all the 40+ actresses having babies. Somehow I don't think so.

Anyways, I'm leaning towards the non-invasive tests (blood, ultrasounds, etc.) that will give me what the doctor says will be 95% of the information. These tests have to be done at certain times in pregnancy so I've got to figure out what and when and get them scheduled. Of course, this is after I call the insurance company to figure out what they will cover and what they will balk at. Just add that to the other phonecalls I have to make to the auto insurance companies about the aftermath of getting hit.

Was I happy? Yes, I was. After feeling so lousy, it felt good to see a good and rational reason why. It helps get through the rest of the tired days. Hopefully that should only be 4 more weeks. Am I still feeling overwhelmed by the future? Yes, I am. But hopefully that will lessen in the future. For now, everything is okay.

Here We Are

Here we are at the beginning of a new year, the beginning of a new week after hibernating as a family. I will get the post on our vacation done soon, I promise. Let's just say, it had its ups and downs. I'm beginning to wonder if we are "vacation challenged"...

I woke up this morning two to three hours earlier than I have for the last week thanks to having V. home from work and me being exhausted. I have a sneaky suspicion that will catch up to me around noonish. We have a semi-busy day scheduled today. First, I.'s gymnastics class which she loves followed by a trip to the chiropractor to get the kinks worked out. Stop at home for lunch and a quick, early resttime. Then to the doctor this afternoon for the ultrasound. Every time I think about it, I get a knot in my stomach but I can't do anything about it. I think at this point, after waiting two weeks for this test, I just need the anticipation to be over. Hopefully that won't be the only thing that's over.

Deep breaths should help get me through this day. Vacay posting coming soon.

A Christmas Miracle

I make this posting with a warning up front. If you know me and we have mutual friends, PLEASE do not pass on this information. I'm just not ready yet to have it be "knowledge". There is too much at stake right now and I can't face other people wanting to talk about it - not yet.

So, this is the posting that I have been unwilling to talk about since December 9th. Many reasons why. First, I had to talk to V. about it first. Then, I still was having a hard time getting my brain around it. Then I thought, "Well, let's wait 'til after this to be sure." And then after "this", it looked like there was one more big this happening tomorrow that would give more answers so I waited. I didn't want to jinx it, I didn't want to acknowledge things that seem to be so uncertain, I didn't want to have to publicly face major disapppointment.

Then the last 4 days, we were on vacation in Idyllwild (post about that to follow soon). Four nights in a row I woke up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom and then couldn't go back to sleep for a while thanks to my racing mind. One of the consistent nagging thoughts was that if I didn't post about this before tomorrow (Monday), I would have missed experiencing any sort of celebration or joy. I don't want to go through the events of life not celebrating because of some sort of "just in case". Even if the worst happens, isn't that even more reason to be joyful while you can and are able to? It just struck me as a cowardly, defensive way of living and that's never really been me. Yes, I try to avoid and minimize disappointment by managing my expectations but I've never been one to hide or pretend something just because something may go wrong down the line.

With that being said, after actively and scientifically trying for 16 months, then just giving up for another 10 months, consulting with a fertility dr. and deciding that would not be an option, grieving that I. would be my only one, becoming fine with that fact and making plans for myself when I. goes off to kindergarten later this year, and turning 40, I find myself pregnant. Eight weeks today to be exact.

Why the wait? Well, I certainly wasn't going to tell V. over the phone since we both weren't exactly expecting it. That meant I had to wait for 10 days to tell him in person. Then, I've been having some spotting here and there so I was concerned and wanted to get reassurance from my ob/gyn at my first appointment 2 days before Christmas. Unfortunately I didn't get 100% reassurance from him and am scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon to make sure we can see the baby's heartbeat. On top of all that, I had really just gotten my mind and spirit completely okay with I. being an only child and was making plans. This news put me in a tailspin, combined with the fact that I haven't felt good. I don't have morning sickness per se but my digestive tract has been off, my exhaustion off the charts, and honestly, I don't feel very good from about 30 minutes after I wake up until about 5 pm. I know it's the hormones but it's hard to deal with the daily grind week after week when you feel like this. All these things made me hesitant to post about it.

However, with this posting, I celebrate this miracle regardless of what tomorrow's test shows.