Really enjoying my birthday break in Laguna. Nice to be able to go through the day relaxed and without any demands. Basically floating through the day as I please. Did a lot of reading today and played games/had fun with V. That right there makes it a good, fun day and different than my usual day which is kind the whole point of getting a break - to do something completely different than normal.
Even while it was such a great day (as was Friday afternoon), I'm missing my kids. I miss I., my little turtle, who sometimes tries to act like I annoy her but who saves every single written word/note I give her and tapes them to her headboard. While I may not experience it demonstrably on a daily basis, I sense from other times, a fierce, deep love in her for me. One that sometimes she may be overwhelmed by and not sure how to handle and express.
I miss my baby boy - his exuberance, his zest for everything and his loving, affectionate, playful self. I miss his curls against my lips when I kiss him and the way he stares deeply in my eyes sometimes when I sing him his bedtime songs while he's lying in my arms.
The saying of how once you have kids, your heart walks outside of your body is so true. Because even while enjoying myself and V. and the break, at the end of the day there was a painful twinge tugging at my heart saying that something very importantly is missing . I know what it is, it's very simple - in over 2 days I haven't seen my kids, touched them, talked to them, hugged and kissed them and I deeply miss it.
Note to self...do not go over one day without talking to the kiddos on the phone. It would save a lot of heartache.
Showing posts with label weekend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weekend. Show all posts
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Time Off for Good Behavior
Tomorrow V. and I will be heading up to Laguna Beach for a long weekend, a birthday getaway for me. We postponed it until Easter vacation so I. wouldn't miss school. For the last 10 days, V. has been out of town working, except for 3 hours he was home to take me out to dinner for my birthday. It's been a long 10 days for V. and also for me being the only one on duty with the kids. This week we had fun while I. was off of school - a trip to the Wild Animal Park, linner at Souplantation, crafts, puzzles, games, a bike ride at the lake, a trip to the library, and lunch at our favorite breakfast place. It was a good time. I have to admit though, by Tuesday (day 8 without V.) I would wake up to the alarm in the morning and think, "Only 2 more days of waking up to an alarm." and the countdown continued through today.
Here's what I am looking forward to: no alarm; a relaxed, demand-free breakfast; not having a schedule; reading during the day without feeling guilty; not having to clean up and do, do, do; spending time with V.; goofing around; seeing a sunset; being out and about after 5pm. I'm sure there's plenty more but that's all I'm going to list for now.
That being said, it feels weird being here in an empty house, driving home in an empty car. Being a mom and having kids is such a major part of my life and provides so much meaning to my life. I mean, I really do something these days, something important and perhaps that is why I am so tired by the end of the day. I realize the importance, the responsibility of shaping these little humans and it takes my physical, mental, and emotional energy to do it the way I think it should be done. I've never been able to just do something half-ass and this certainly is no different.
I've earned my weekend and hope that it will recharge me until my next break.
Here's what I am looking forward to: no alarm; a relaxed, demand-free breakfast; not having a schedule; reading during the day without feeling guilty; not having to clean up and do, do, do; spending time with V.; goofing around; seeing a sunset; being out and about after 5pm. I'm sure there's plenty more but that's all I'm going to list for now.
That being said, it feels weird being here in an empty house, driving home in an empty car. Being a mom and having kids is such a major part of my life and provides so much meaning to my life. I mean, I really do something these days, something important and perhaps that is why I am so tired by the end of the day. I realize the importance, the responsibility of shaping these little humans and it takes my physical, mental, and emotional energy to do it the way I think it should be done. I've never been able to just do something half-ass and this certainly is no different.
I've earned my weekend and hope that it will recharge me until my next break.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Trick or Treating
When your kids are asleep by 5:45pm, you don't have the traditional trick or treating experience. Someday we will but that someday is not now.
Our major community shopping center hosts a trick or treating experience the Saturday before Halloween. We've been going to it since I. was a toddler. This was the first year we attended with 2 kids and it was really pretty cool. I. was Little Bo Peep for the 4th or 5th year running and D. was her lost little lamb. This will be the last year for I. to be Little Bo Peep as the costume will not fit next year so it was wonderful for her to be able to fit it in it one more year and have D. tied into her costume. It was so cute and really fun to have 2 kids to be part of the same costume.
We wrapped up the afternoon with an early dinner at Pick Up Stix. By 5:45, the kids were in bed and by 6:00, they were both asleep.
It was one of those days that I feel so fortunate to experience. How I have been so blessed to have a girl and a boy, I'll never understand it but will remain extremely thankful for each day.
Our major community shopping center hosts a trick or treating experience the Saturday before Halloween. We've been going to it since I. was a toddler. This was the first year we attended with 2 kids and it was really pretty cool. I. was Little Bo Peep for the 4th or 5th year running and D. was her lost little lamb. This will be the last year for I. to be Little Bo Peep as the costume will not fit next year so it was wonderful for her to be able to fit it in it one more year and have D. tied into her costume. It was so cute and really fun to have 2 kids to be part of the same costume.
We wrapped up the afternoon with an early dinner at Pick Up Stix. By 5:45, the kids were in bed and by 6:00, they were both asleep.
It was one of those days that I feel so fortunate to experience. How I have been so blessed to have a girl and a boy, I'll never understand it but will remain extremely thankful for each day.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
An Almost Perfect Weekend
This weekend had all the components of a great weekend which was unexpected since V. was not home. Yesterday I surprised I. with a morning date with me by ourselves to go see the movie, Chimpanzee. It was the kind of movie that she and I love and love it we did. It resulted in much snuggling during the movie and it was really good to just be out with my baby girl. In the afternoon, we kept with our normal routine and went to a restaurant, Mexican since it was Cinco de Mayo, and enjoyed our early dinner.
I. has been wanting a BBQ for awhile now but the weather has not been cooperating but I knew this weekend it would be. So this morning, after washing my hair which is still a big deal these days, we ran over to Trader Joe's in search of BBQ things. Since I. is not a big meat eater at all, this can be a challenge. We found some chicken sausage with apples and maple syrup (how perfect is that?), picked up some chicken breasts for kebobs, and to splurge grabbed some tortilla chips and guacamole. Once we got home, we had lunch and then had plenty of time to hang out on the ground playing with D. which was a real treat. After I got D. down for his nap, I still felt pretty energetic since the morning was pretty relaxed so I. and I went outside to play with a card making craft that my mom had gotten her a couple of weeks ago. We made cards for each other and she made one for my parents, as well as baby bear. You've gotta love that.
Once D. got up it was time for BBQ preparation. I was a little concerned because I am not the BBQer of the family and so my confidence in my skills is not high. But I had a good attitude and figured out the timing of things so at least I had some clue. I am very proud of myself - I had both sides of the grill going, chicken breast, chicken kebobs, and chicken sausage on one side and on the other side, I was grilling pineapple. Pretty impressive, huh? I got D.'s dinner ready and once everything was on the grill, we all went outside to the patio. As the food cooked, we snacked on the chips and guacamole and then once dinner was ready, I. proceeded to eat all the sausage and chicken with pineapple. She was a happy camper and so was I. D. was happy to be outside with us eating his food as well. Dinner nirvana.
Bathtime, reading, and bedtime went without a hitch and I. was asleep within 15 minutes. D. was asleep 5 minutes after that. The other wonderful thing was that I found out something about I. For the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about talking to her about accepting Jesus into her heart. She loves God and loves learning about him. I wanted her to be old enough to decide for herself, not to do it before she understood or because she thought I wanted her to do it (that would just make her not want to do it probably!). I had contemporary Christian music on all afternoon which was a change and while I was prepping for the BBQ, she came in the kitchen and made mention that all these songs had to do with God. I told her this was a Christian station and that all of the songs had to do with God and Jesus. I can't recall exactly how it came about but I said something about asking Jesus into your heart and she replied, "I know that Mommy." I said, "Oh?" remembering that this child was emotionally constipated just like her father so there was probably a lot more to this than met the human eye....the whole key was going to be asking the correct, direct question. I paused and then said, "Have you asked Jesus into your heart?" She said yes and then proceeded to dart behind me and that's how we completed the rest of the conversation, her face buried in my butt. It boiled down after many questions to the fact that she asked Jesus into her heart and to forgive her sins sometime in the month of April after I put her to bed. And that makes me so happy, and thankful, and tearful. My baby girl did it on her own, not swept up in emotion or because other people were doing it but because she in her heart, at a quiet time, had been thinking about it (knowing her) and prayed privately and quietly.
An almost perfect weekend - the only part that made it not 100% perfect is that V. wasn't here. But that is a short term issue completely overshadowed by an eternal decision.
I. has been wanting a BBQ for awhile now but the weather has not been cooperating but I knew this weekend it would be. So this morning, after washing my hair which is still a big deal these days, we ran over to Trader Joe's in search of BBQ things. Since I. is not a big meat eater at all, this can be a challenge. We found some chicken sausage with apples and maple syrup (how perfect is that?), picked up some chicken breasts for kebobs, and to splurge grabbed some tortilla chips and guacamole. Once we got home, we had lunch and then had plenty of time to hang out on the ground playing with D. which was a real treat. After I got D. down for his nap, I still felt pretty energetic since the morning was pretty relaxed so I. and I went outside to play with a card making craft that my mom had gotten her a couple of weeks ago. We made cards for each other and she made one for my parents, as well as baby bear. You've gotta love that.
Once D. got up it was time for BBQ preparation. I was a little concerned because I am not the BBQer of the family and so my confidence in my skills is not high. But I had a good attitude and figured out the timing of things so at least I had some clue. I am very proud of myself - I had both sides of the grill going, chicken breast, chicken kebobs, and chicken sausage on one side and on the other side, I was grilling pineapple. Pretty impressive, huh? I got D.'s dinner ready and once everything was on the grill, we all went outside to the patio. As the food cooked, we snacked on the chips and guacamole and then once dinner was ready, I. proceeded to eat all the sausage and chicken with pineapple. She was a happy camper and so was I. D. was happy to be outside with us eating his food as well. Dinner nirvana.
Bathtime, reading, and bedtime went without a hitch and I. was asleep within 15 minutes. D. was asleep 5 minutes after that. The other wonderful thing was that I found out something about I. For the past couple of weeks, I've been thinking about talking to her about accepting Jesus into her heart. She loves God and loves learning about him. I wanted her to be old enough to decide for herself, not to do it before she understood or because she thought I wanted her to do it (that would just make her not want to do it probably!). I had contemporary Christian music on all afternoon which was a change and while I was prepping for the BBQ, she came in the kitchen and made mention that all these songs had to do with God. I told her this was a Christian station and that all of the songs had to do with God and Jesus. I can't recall exactly how it came about but I said something about asking Jesus into your heart and she replied, "I know that Mommy." I said, "Oh?" remembering that this child was emotionally constipated just like her father so there was probably a lot more to this than met the human eye....the whole key was going to be asking the correct, direct question. I paused and then said, "Have you asked Jesus into your heart?" She said yes and then proceeded to dart behind me and that's how we completed the rest of the conversation, her face buried in my butt. It boiled down after many questions to the fact that she asked Jesus into her heart and to forgive her sins sometime in the month of April after I put her to bed. And that makes me so happy, and thankful, and tearful. My baby girl did it on her own, not swept up in emotion or because other people were doing it but because she in her heart, at a quiet time, had been thinking about it (knowing her) and prayed privately and quietly.
An almost perfect weekend - the only part that made it not 100% perfect is that V. wasn't here. But that is a short term issue completely overshadowed by an eternal decision.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Weekend Debrief
I know, I know, it's been a long time since my last post and I'm sure that all 2 of you have just been dying to hear how my weekend away went. Honestly, it wasn't my fault this time. Okay, Monday night I could have actually posted but the day was so aggravatingly lousy that I just didn't feel the excitement of the weekend anymore. Then Tuesday, all hell broke loose in the house (again) which resulted in my Internet connection and television/cable/DVR being ripped out of the walls without any hope of knowing how to put it all back together. On top of that, the living room, which is the only sitting area downstairs, was covered with a queen sized futon, a wide screen t.v., electronic components, furniture and toys. Basically, the room was trashed. Being that V. was out of town (big surprise there), the prospect of multiple nights sitting in silence up in my bedroom, the only room in the house left to sit in, for hours on end evoked one word to come out of my mouth. It had 4 letters and began with f. I'll let you figure that one out. V. came home yesterday and hooked up the Internet so at least I have connection to the outside world again and a place to vent my frustrations. I think that was the worst of it - having all these aggravations and nowhere to get them out. I also "Macgeyvered" the DVR to work upstairs in the bedroom so that's help retain my sanity. So, the weekend. It seems so far away after this week of "I need thousands of more dollars from you" and "Oops, I have no idea how to reconnect any of this stuff, sorry". But from what I can remember, it was great and thank God I had it before this week or it would have been an even worst scene around this joint. We lucked out on the weather in that it rained on the way up on Friday and then was sunny for the rest of the time except for Sunday morning when we were getting ready to leave anyways. On Friday, we walked around the downtown area and then soaked up some sun on the boardwalk at the beach. That night, we ended up seeing a movie which for us is a real treat and it was great. Saturday, we went to breakfast at the place we fell in love with last year and enjoyed it just as much this year. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, taking a walk on the beach, reading, and napping. Then we went out to a really nice dinner at a restaurant we found online that afternoon and it was fantastic. The surprising part was that V. actually told them it was my birthday so they brought dessert and sang to me. He doesn't do that but he did and it meant alot to me. Sunday after breakfast we had time to play cards and take a picture at a hotel that we took a picture in front of 10 years ago, the first time we came to Laguna. I'll have to upload some pics from the weekend separately. Then it was off to my parents' house for the family bday party, sans my sister, and it went pretty well overall. The best part of the weekend was hanging out with V. These days, it only takes about an hour of being alone to get back into our groove, which is a huge improvement from back in the dark days after Mark's death. We really are able to tap back into our friendship, that part when we just enjoy each other's company, not as husband and wife but as two people who truly, honestly like each other as people. After an afternoon of hanging out, we start saying the same things at the same time which we call "sharing a brain". V. says it drives him crazy but he says it with a smile so I know he's lying. These are the things that make the weekend away so necessary and special. I tried not to concentrate on the fact that this will be our last time away alone for probably 18-24 months because that makes me feel trapped and overwhelmed. We survived last time and I'm confident that we'll survive it this time too. It'll make the next weekend away something to really be looked forward to, that's for sure.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Weekend Wishes
Another long-ish delay in posting this week due to general aggravation and grumpiness. Thanks to many insurance phone calls, hassles, and requests for lots of cash, a tour of I.'s school for next year that not only upset me but pissed me off, and just little things that accumulated in my brain and overwhelmed me. You know, the usual M.O. for my brain.
But I am determined to leave all this behind for the next 4 days and just enjoy myself, living in the moment. Because this weekend is my birthday, my 41st birthday. Thank God this one is not as traumatic and potentially depressing as last year's. I think a huge part of it is being pregnant. I mean, how decrepit can I possibly be if I'm pregnant?! Just don't ask my OB's office that because as I've already discussed, they seem to think those two things, decrepit and pregnancy, go hand in hand just fine. But in my mind they don't and this is my weekend, so screw them.
I'm taking I. to my parents' house today and of course I've got way too many errands and other things crammed into this afternoon so we'll see what I actually get done. However, then I've scehduled a massage to kick off the festivities and really get in the mood for fun. V. won't be home til late though he won't say why. All he'll say is, "I have to take care of something." I suspect that it has something to do with my birthday but I don't want to get my hopes up since last year, there was no card or present though we still had a good time in Laguna Beach and yes, going there was a present; it's just that I did all the planning, packing, and researching for it so in my fickle mind, that doesn't count as a present from him. We'll see if this year is different.
Tomorrow V. and I are going to head up to Laguna Beach (the same quirky place as last year) for the weekend. This will be our last alone trip for awhile. The weather is going to be a little iffy so we're just going to have to play it by ear but I'm hoping for alot of relaxation, walking on the beach, and laughter. Sunday we return to my parents' house for a birthday bbq (Sunday is my actual birthday), hopefully well rested and rejuvenated. It'll just be nice to be off of momma duty for 3.5 days and not have an alarm going off in the morning. Of course, if that early bird hubby of mine gets up at 6am every morning and wakes me up, I will have to kill him and dump his body over the patio railing.
Better get ready now and finish packing I. up so we can hit the road in a bit.
But I am determined to leave all this behind for the next 4 days and just enjoy myself, living in the moment. Because this weekend is my birthday, my 41st birthday. Thank God this one is not as traumatic and potentially depressing as last year's. I think a huge part of it is being pregnant. I mean, how decrepit can I possibly be if I'm pregnant?! Just don't ask my OB's office that because as I've already discussed, they seem to think those two things, decrepit and pregnancy, go hand in hand just fine. But in my mind they don't and this is my weekend, so screw them.
I'm taking I. to my parents' house today and of course I've got way too many errands and other things crammed into this afternoon so we'll see what I actually get done. However, then I've scehduled a massage to kick off the festivities and really get in the mood for fun. V. won't be home til late though he won't say why. All he'll say is, "I have to take care of something." I suspect that it has something to do with my birthday but I don't want to get my hopes up since last year, there was no card or present though we still had a good time in Laguna Beach and yes, going there was a present; it's just that I did all the planning, packing, and researching for it so in my fickle mind, that doesn't count as a present from him. We'll see if this year is different.
Tomorrow V. and I are going to head up to Laguna Beach (the same quirky place as last year) for the weekend. This will be our last alone trip for awhile. The weather is going to be a little iffy so we're just going to have to play it by ear but I'm hoping for alot of relaxation, walking on the beach, and laughter. Sunday we return to my parents' house for a birthday bbq (Sunday is my actual birthday), hopefully well rested and rejuvenated. It'll just be nice to be off of momma duty for 3.5 days and not have an alarm going off in the morning. Of course, if that early bird hubby of mine gets up at 6am every morning and wakes me up, I will have to kill him and dump his body over the patio railing.
Better get ready now and finish packing I. up so we can hit the road in a bit.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Blah Blah Blah
The weekend went by pretty well except for the discovery on Friday night that not all inflatable beds are created equal. I've slept on one before and was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was. That wasn't the case with the one at my parents' house - this one was torture. I sleep mostly on my side and when I rolled onto my side, it felt like my hip was resting directly on the wood floor which is less than comfortable to say the least. The dog successfully made it through its separation from my dad and was well-behaved, just like a kid when its parents aren't around. We had a good time Saturday celebrating V.'s birthday and all in all, it was a good weekend.
Busy week - first blood test today, helping at I.'s school, dentist appointments, plus the normal errands and duties. On top of this, I have to bring Media, our foster cat, back to Petco on Thursday and it's making me sad. We've had her for 2 months (it was really only supposed to be for 2 weeks) and now she probably thinks this is her new home. But I will have to put her in a crate and cart her back to the Petco prison. I try to keep in mind that she will have a better chance at being adopted if people can see her there. But it's not helping all that much. I've given a last ditch shout out on Facebook and there is a slight chance of hope but it's slim.
I. is in a mood this morning, actually most mornings she is. It's that "What should I play? I don't know what to play." whine that travels up and down my spine and causes me to utter old momisms like "I'm going to get a trashbag and put all your toys in it if you don't be quiet and start playing with something." It's frustrating to me. I was an only child and I don't remember whining every morning about not knowing what to do. Of course, I don't remember what I actually did before I could read because once I could read, that's what I did all morning and throughout the day. That and play in the backyard with my dog. This weekend, it was so nice to be able to send I. out in the back to play - I really wish we had a backyard. Oh well.
This is such a boring post that even I can almost not stand it. I think this whole morning is a function of not sleeping well. I had stressful, dangerous, bad, scary dreams all morning that had me waking up on edge. The only bright spot so far is that last night was the first night in almost 2 months when I didn't have to get up once or twice to use the bathroom, which means that my uterus has gravitated northward and isn't resting on my bladder any more. This Sunday will be 12 weeks - it's hard to believe. I'm looking forward to my appointment next week to hear our little rabbit's heartbeat, at least that's what it sounds like to me. That thought brings a warm glow to my heart and that may be just enough to fan into a full-fledged flame to enjoy the rest of the day.
Busy week - first blood test today, helping at I.'s school, dentist appointments, plus the normal errands and duties. On top of this, I have to bring Media, our foster cat, back to Petco on Thursday and it's making me sad. We've had her for 2 months (it was really only supposed to be for 2 weeks) and now she probably thinks this is her new home. But I will have to put her in a crate and cart her back to the Petco prison. I try to keep in mind that she will have a better chance at being adopted if people can see her there. But it's not helping all that much. I've given a last ditch shout out on Facebook and there is a slight chance of hope but it's slim.
I. is in a mood this morning, actually most mornings she is. It's that "What should I play? I don't know what to play." whine that travels up and down my spine and causes me to utter old momisms like "I'm going to get a trashbag and put all your toys in it if you don't be quiet and start playing with something." It's frustrating to me. I was an only child and I don't remember whining every morning about not knowing what to do. Of course, I don't remember what I actually did before I could read because once I could read, that's what I did all morning and throughout the day. That and play in the backyard with my dog. This weekend, it was so nice to be able to send I. out in the back to play - I really wish we had a backyard. Oh well.
This is such a boring post that even I can almost not stand it. I think this whole morning is a function of not sleeping well. I had stressful, dangerous, bad, scary dreams all morning that had me waking up on edge. The only bright spot so far is that last night was the first night in almost 2 months when I didn't have to get up once or twice to use the bathroom, which means that my uterus has gravitated northward and isn't resting on my bladder any more. This Sunday will be 12 weeks - it's hard to believe. I'm looking forward to my appointment next week to hear our little rabbit's heartbeat, at least that's what it sounds like to me. That thought brings a warm glow to my heart and that may be just enough to fan into a full-fledged flame to enjoy the rest of the day.
Monday, November 1, 2010
So So Weekend
This weekend was not our best nor our worst weekend, it was just one of those "there" weekends. I'm still trying to figure out what made it different than the weekend before which was a good bonding weekend. What I've come up with so far is that it really didn't have anything to do with me.
The high points were taking I. daytime trick or treating at a shopping mall on Saturday afternoon and then going out to our weekly early dinner/late lunch. She had a really good time and it was fun to watch her enjoying the trick or treat experience since she doesn't get to participate in the nighttime one. A 5 pm bedtime just is not conducive for trick or treating. And before anyone says, "Ahh, why can't you let her stay up late one night?" let me just give this example. She fell asleep on Saturday night at 6:30 due to playing in bed and Sunday morning, she was an emotional wreck, sobbing and throwing fits at the slightest things. It was not fun to deal with for anyone involved, let me tell you.
As for the downside of the weekend, it wasn't anything glaring. It just felt like V. and I. were marching next to each other rather than together. Part of it was that he had a bunch of work (as always) he needed to take care of during the weekend however, he didn't communicate how much so I assumed that after spending both mornings (3-4 hours at a time) working plus a conference call, that would be it. But no, I was wrong, he had more as I found out last night at 5pm when he expressed his frustration in being interrupted while he was on his computer by saying (as he was going up to change I.'s poopy diaper), "It's really frustrating to be interrupted no less than 15 times when I'm trying to finish this reading."
It wasn't said meanly or even angrily, just in a frustrated tone of voice but it stung nonetheless. I thought about it as I showered then came down and finished the morning paper, which due to constant interruptions, I never got to even read and waited for another hour or so for him to finish his homework. Then I said, "You know, we only get to see you 2 days out of the week so that is family time. It's interesting to me that what you view as "interruptions" to our family time is us, your family. That's completely backwards - it should be the work that is the "interruption" to our family time. And I think you really need to think about that." I think he was taken a little aback initially but then he asked what was my solution to the fact that he had to get the work done regardless. I told him that we should have discussed (his favorite word) on Saturday morning our needs and expectations of the weekend so that we could work as a team and schedule accordingly. I reminded him him finishing up the reading tonight was not going to be remembered or make a difference in life 10 years from now but spending time carving a pumpkin with I. would. We'll see in the future if it makes a difference.
V.'s parents annoyed (his word) him on Sunday morning during a Skype phone call by turning down his request that they use his frequent flyer mileage to come out for a visit and they responded with all the reasons why they couldn't, namely because they have to take care of "their baby" (great granddaughter). Talk about enabling - they rival my parents. Although he said it annoyed him, I think the correct words would have been anger and hurt. Neither of these emotions are conducive for a bonding weekend though. Saturday evening, V. fell asleep at 5:30 and last night by 7pm which while I understood his exhaustion, it was still a bummer because it wasn't very unlike my weekday nights.
Oh well, I talked to V. this morning and told him that this weekend wasn't our best and he agreed so that counts for something; he wasn't clueless and I guess in a way we were on the same page, just not the page I wished we were on. Besides the exhaustion and the aggravation, I just felt like V. had half a leg in last week's work and a full leg into this coming week's which only left a half a leg for us. Next Saturday is I.'s birthday party and I hope he can hold it together long enough to be "present" for the party.
Today is Monday, our "last hurrah" day as I call it before I. starts full-time school. We're going to get our flu mist first (that will be challenging) and then head down to Balboa Park to see a surfing IMAX movie and look around the adjoining museum. It should be a fun day of hanging out with my girl.
The high points were taking I. daytime trick or treating at a shopping mall on Saturday afternoon and then going out to our weekly early dinner/late lunch. She had a really good time and it was fun to watch her enjoying the trick or treat experience since she doesn't get to participate in the nighttime one. A 5 pm bedtime just is not conducive for trick or treating. And before anyone says, "Ahh, why can't you let her stay up late one night?" let me just give this example. She fell asleep on Saturday night at 6:30 due to playing in bed and Sunday morning, she was an emotional wreck, sobbing and throwing fits at the slightest things. It was not fun to deal with for anyone involved, let me tell you.
As for the downside of the weekend, it wasn't anything glaring. It just felt like V. and I. were marching next to each other rather than together. Part of it was that he had a bunch of work (as always) he needed to take care of during the weekend however, he didn't communicate how much so I assumed that after spending both mornings (3-4 hours at a time) working plus a conference call, that would be it. But no, I was wrong, he had more as I found out last night at 5pm when he expressed his frustration in being interrupted while he was on his computer by saying (as he was going up to change I.'s poopy diaper), "It's really frustrating to be interrupted no less than 15 times when I'm trying to finish this reading."
It wasn't said meanly or even angrily, just in a frustrated tone of voice but it stung nonetheless. I thought about it as I showered then came down and finished the morning paper, which due to constant interruptions, I never got to even read and waited for another hour or so for him to finish his homework. Then I said, "You know, we only get to see you 2 days out of the week so that is family time. It's interesting to me that what you view as "interruptions" to our family time is us, your family. That's completely backwards - it should be the work that is the "interruption" to our family time. And I think you really need to think about that." I think he was taken a little aback initially but then he asked what was my solution to the fact that he had to get the work done regardless. I told him that we should have discussed (his favorite word) on Saturday morning our needs and expectations of the weekend so that we could work as a team and schedule accordingly. I reminded him him finishing up the reading tonight was not going to be remembered or make a difference in life 10 years from now but spending time carving a pumpkin with I. would. We'll see in the future if it makes a difference.
V.'s parents annoyed (his word) him on Sunday morning during a Skype phone call by turning down his request that they use his frequent flyer mileage to come out for a visit and they responded with all the reasons why they couldn't, namely because they have to take care of "their baby" (great granddaughter). Talk about enabling - they rival my parents. Although he said it annoyed him, I think the correct words would have been anger and hurt. Neither of these emotions are conducive for a bonding weekend though. Saturday evening, V. fell asleep at 5:30 and last night by 7pm which while I understood his exhaustion, it was still a bummer because it wasn't very unlike my weekday nights.
Oh well, I talked to V. this morning and told him that this weekend wasn't our best and he agreed so that counts for something; he wasn't clueless and I guess in a way we were on the same page, just not the page I wished we were on. Besides the exhaustion and the aggravation, I just felt like V. had half a leg in last week's work and a full leg into this coming week's which only left a half a leg for us. Next Saturday is I.'s birthday party and I hope he can hold it together long enough to be "present" for the party.
Today is Monday, our "last hurrah" day as I call it before I. starts full-time school. We're going to get our flu mist first (that will be challenging) and then head down to Balboa Park to see a surfing IMAX movie and look around the adjoining museum. It should be a fun day of hanging out with my girl.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Not A Great Weekend
Ah, Monday. Back to the normal grind and in some ways, it's a relief. That makes me sad since our normal weekly grind doesn't included V. and that's not the point at all. I like it when V. is here especially after we get I. to bed, it's nice to have the company and other stuff that we won't mention. Barbecuing and eating dinner outside just the two of us is really a great way to cap off the weekend. When we go to the gym, we get to work out side by side which is a nice change and being the sick, critical people we are, there is always someone there that makes it on our radar. Mind you, we're not making fun of how people look or stuff like that. Usually it's those people who sit on the gym equipment and talk for 15 minutes at a time. Those people drive V. nuts and gives me an opportunity to tease him. Unfortunately there is also a woman who is there on the weekends who could be Jodi's doppleganger and I get pissed off all over again when I see her. But I digress...
So that's the part of weekend I like. The part that I detest, I mean REALLY DETEST, is how I. acts much of the weekend lately. Putting the disastrous bathtime routine aside, if she is with V. alone, everything is great. If she's with me by herself, she's fine. But as soon as it's both of us, she gets whining, disobedient, and bratty. To me it feels like she ruins every weekend with her behavior because it feels like all we do is picking her up because she won't go to the bathroom, won't get in the car, etc. In between the picking up (which is NOT helping my shoulder one bit) is my escalating frustration that every single stinking little thing is a fight and that this is opposite of how things are during the week. And then the whole bathtime fight on top of all of it to look forward to at the end of the day. Plus add in the lack of potty training after 15 months. It's a perfect storm that leaves me wanting to walk out of this house every weekend and not come back til Monday.
I'm sure me struggling with some depression right now doesn't help me deal. It bums me out greatly to see all my momma friends on Facebook on Friday saying, "Yay, Friday! Can't wait for family fun!" etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, on Fridays, I'm trying not to dread the weekend. Things have got to change and I've got to get some ideas on what dynamics are leading to this and how to fix it.
So that's the part of weekend I like. The part that I detest, I mean REALLY DETEST, is how I. acts much of the weekend lately. Putting the disastrous bathtime routine aside, if she is with V. alone, everything is great. If she's with me by herself, she's fine. But as soon as it's both of us, she gets whining, disobedient, and bratty. To me it feels like she ruins every weekend with her behavior because it feels like all we do is picking her up because she won't go to the bathroom, won't get in the car, etc. In between the picking up (which is NOT helping my shoulder one bit) is my escalating frustration that every single stinking little thing is a fight and that this is opposite of how things are during the week. And then the whole bathtime fight on top of all of it to look forward to at the end of the day. Plus add in the lack of potty training after 15 months. It's a perfect storm that leaves me wanting to walk out of this house every weekend and not come back til Monday.
I'm sure me struggling with some depression right now doesn't help me deal. It bums me out greatly to see all my momma friends on Facebook on Friday saying, "Yay, Friday! Can't wait for family fun!" etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, on Fridays, I'm trying not to dread the weekend. Things have got to change and I've got to get some ideas on what dynamics are leading to this and how to fix it.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Weekend
So much to say about the weekend but I don't want to get into all of the gory details. It's hard for me not to do that, the details are what makes the story in some cases. I'll try to control myself though.
The graduation. After 3+ hours of LA traffic, we picked up the girls at their house which unfortunately allowed me to see that flat screen tv in the completely remodeled guest bathroom that we pretty much funded. Could have done without that....anyways, got them to the school after waiting in another long line to get in the parking lot to wait in another long line to get into the ceremony itself. Basically, the whole day was about waiting.
It ended around 8 and we went to dinner at a restaurant with about 25 people. That turned into a humorous fiasco. Fiasco because we didn't get served dinner until after 10pm, the restaurant flooded and then appeared to be on fire when we finally left. It was reaching biblical proportions. Humorous because the ex's head was spinning around due to the lack of service and V. and I just sat there and laughed. Me because it was just plain funny to see; V. because he didn't have to deal with it. We just sat there and watched "the guy" have to try to calm her down.
By the time we got to the hotel, it was after midnight and it was time for my head to spin around because they gave away our room. Supposedly all they had left was a smoking room but I'm allergic to smoke. I just kept calmly but firmly saying like it was my mantra, "You took my money, I want my room. You took my money, I want my room." I think the lady thought I was a little nuts 'cause I kept saying it over and over again so she called the manager, found a nonsmoking room for that night and then the next morning, switched us to the king bed, ocean view, nonsmoking room that we had paid for. Thankfully that day was over since nothing came easy.
The next day was as different from the one before it could have been. We ate a leisurely breakfast and wandered around Redondo Beach for a couple of hours, seeing what had changed and what had stayed the same. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat on the pier enjoying the ocean air. Going back here always brings back the memories of V. and I, first as friends and then when we fell for one another hard because this was where it happened.
That afternoon, V. took a short nap and I went to the jacuzzi with a book. Later we headed down to El Torito for dinner and the margaritas started flowing. We walked over to the infamous Naja's beer bar and spent the rest of the night until about 1am., dancing, watching the Yankee game, and of course, drinking beer. The band playing was the same one that played 10 years ago when we first started dating. We've gone back about once a year since we got married so they recognized us and kept asking for song choices. V. and I cut loose and had a good time. I was laughing so hard at V.'s antics that night that I almost had tears running down my face.
It was exactly what we needed both as a couple and as individuals. As a couple because it's been really hard living apart for so long. You forget how much fun you used to have with each other because you're no longer together to have it. As individuals, V. needed to cut loose to get away from all his work stress and I needed it to inject adult fun into my life and to give my psyche a break from the sadness that the first anniversary of Mark's death brings.
The graduation. After 3+ hours of LA traffic, we picked up the girls at their house which unfortunately allowed me to see that flat screen tv in the completely remodeled guest bathroom that we pretty much funded. Could have done without that....anyways, got them to the school after waiting in another long line to get in the parking lot to wait in another long line to get into the ceremony itself. Basically, the whole day was about waiting.
It ended around 8 and we went to dinner at a restaurant with about 25 people. That turned into a humorous fiasco. Fiasco because we didn't get served dinner until after 10pm, the restaurant flooded and then appeared to be on fire when we finally left. It was reaching biblical proportions. Humorous because the ex's head was spinning around due to the lack of service and V. and I just sat there and laughed. Me because it was just plain funny to see; V. because he didn't have to deal with it. We just sat there and watched "the guy" have to try to calm her down.
By the time we got to the hotel, it was after midnight and it was time for my head to spin around because they gave away our room. Supposedly all they had left was a smoking room but I'm allergic to smoke. I just kept calmly but firmly saying like it was my mantra, "You took my money, I want my room. You took my money, I want my room." I think the lady thought I was a little nuts 'cause I kept saying it over and over again so she called the manager, found a nonsmoking room for that night and then the next morning, switched us to the king bed, ocean view, nonsmoking room that we had paid for. Thankfully that day was over since nothing came easy.
The next day was as different from the one before it could have been. We ate a leisurely breakfast and wandered around Redondo Beach for a couple of hours, seeing what had changed and what had stayed the same. It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat on the pier enjoying the ocean air. Going back here always brings back the memories of V. and I, first as friends and then when we fell for one another hard because this was where it happened.
That afternoon, V. took a short nap and I went to the jacuzzi with a book. Later we headed down to El Torito for dinner and the margaritas started flowing. We walked over to the infamous Naja's beer bar and spent the rest of the night until about 1am., dancing, watching the Yankee game, and of course, drinking beer. The band playing was the same one that played 10 years ago when we first started dating. We've gone back about once a year since we got married so they recognized us and kept asking for song choices. V. and I cut loose and had a good time. I was laughing so hard at V.'s antics that night that I almost had tears running down my face.
It was exactly what we needed both as a couple and as individuals. As a couple because it's been really hard living apart for so long. You forget how much fun you used to have with each other because you're no longer together to have it. As individuals, V. needed to cut loose to get away from all his work stress and I needed it to inject adult fun into my life and to give my psyche a break from the sadness that the first anniversary of Mark's death brings.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Family Weekend
Father's Day weekend turned out really nice. The girls didn't come down which caused an argument between V. and the ex but what was good was that he was able to be home both mornings and on Father's Day, we were able to pamper him and open gifts without rushing. Plus we didn't have the girls sitting there watching V. opening Father's Day gifts from I. and I while they sat there with no present, no card, no nothin'. So this year, I. and I went out of our way to make V. feel special - his favorite breakfast, hand picked cards, and well-thought out presents.
Even the afternoon at my parents' went pretty smoothly except for some irritations due to my sister. No surprise there but there were no blowups and I was able to diffuse my irritations with comments, some under my breath, others not and that worked for the day.
Saturday was a good day too though with some small window of anguish but we successfully, albeit painfully, made it through to the other sunny side. That's all I'm going to say about that. Mark's anniversary is quickly approaching, people are RSVP'ing for his party and some sadness is descending on my inner soul. I don't consciously identify it, it's just a heaviness that leaves me mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day. Having a shoulder injury affect every aspect of my day and nights since Labor Day probably doesn't help with that exhaustion either.
I'm looking forward to having a day and a half off with V. by ourselves. The graduation is Thursday night and though we may be treated as the red headed step children due to the recent fight, I don't give a flying f*ck. I'm glad V. called the ex on this BS that's been occurring the last 2 years and if she doesn't like it, f*ck her. After it's over, she'll go be the queen bee at the grad party they're hosting (we're not invited) and we'll escape to Redondo Beach for a couple nights and a day of relaxation and fun. Can't wait!
Even the afternoon at my parents' went pretty smoothly except for some irritations due to my sister. No surprise there but there were no blowups and I was able to diffuse my irritations with comments, some under my breath, others not and that worked for the day.
Saturday was a good day too though with some small window of anguish but we successfully, albeit painfully, made it through to the other sunny side. That's all I'm going to say about that. Mark's anniversary is quickly approaching, people are RSVP'ing for his party and some sadness is descending on my inner soul. I don't consciously identify it, it's just a heaviness that leaves me mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day. Having a shoulder injury affect every aspect of my day and nights since Labor Day probably doesn't help with that exhaustion either.
I'm looking forward to having a day and a half off with V. by ourselves. The graduation is Thursday night and though we may be treated as the red headed step children due to the recent fight, I don't give a flying f*ck. I'm glad V. called the ex on this BS that's been occurring the last 2 years and if she doesn't like it, f*ck her. After it's over, she'll go be the queen bee at the grad party they're hosting (we're not invited) and we'll escape to Redondo Beach for a couple nights and a day of relaxation and fun. Can't wait!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Day of Rest
Today is Sunday and I'm declaring it my day of rest. Not from the gym but from laundry and computer work that's for sure. After putting I. to bed, I spent 3.5 hours working on project sheets for a client and tonight I'm going to take a break from that. This client is one of those hurry up and wait kinds where he talks about the work that needs to be done but doesn't send you the necessary material. Finally he sends a ton of it at the last minute, causing me to feel like I'm taking a drink from a fire hydrant. Good thing was I had the brain power last night to do it which is why I pressed on. Who knows what the brain level will be on other nights?
In keeping with making a weekend feel like a weekend, we are going to see a movie called "Babies" after lunch today. We saw the previews when we saw Shrek a couple of weeks ago and she and I agreed that even though it isn't a traditional kids' movie, it looked good. Officially kicking off my day of rest (as much as you get one on one with a 4 year old)...now!
In keeping with making a weekend feel like a weekend, we are going to see a movie called "Babies" after lunch today. We saw the previews when we saw Shrek a couple of weeks ago and she and I agreed that even though it isn't a traditional kids' movie, it looked good. Officially kicking off my day of rest (as much as you get one on one with a 4 year old)...now!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Making It Feel Like Saturday
The name of the game today is to make it feel like a Saturday instead of just another weekday which happens when V. is out of town on the weekend. Unconsciously (literally) I kicked things off by sleeping until 8:10 and actually got away with it. Thank goodness for those 15 books in I.'s bed and her imagination with the 30 stuffed animals because it got me some extra sleep. Makes that pain in the butt daily arranging of her bed worth it for once.
I tried at breakfast to make it feel like a weekend by asking I. if she wanted pancakes for breakfast to which she responded, "No, I want oat bran." I'd like to know how many 4 year olds have uttered that sentence. It's so true what they say about children mirroring what their parents eat, act, and say. So I guess I'm doing good in the eating area because now she prefers oatmeal (unsweetened), oat bran, and "white eggs". "White eggs" is what she calls egg whites which is what I supplement my breakfast and lunch. I usually try to sneak one yolk in her's just for some staying power. When you have a kid who is hungry literally every hour (and that's after 3 huge meals), every bite is all about staying power or I'd be in the kitchen fixing food round the clock. And she's still this lean, mean feisty machine despite the amount of food she consumes. Oh to have her metabolism!
This afternoon we'll be off to our early dinner to be taken care of by "Baby", our favorite waiter. We don't even order, he knows what we want and sometimes has the table set up with drinks and chips before we even hit the door. When V. is not here, that extra care is soothing to me and makes me feel a little less lonely.
Now it's off to the gym to try to burn some of those anticipated dinner calories. Hopefully I'll have more energy after I. goes to bed than I had last night because I have a lot of client work I need to work on. I'm sure that margarita at dinner tonight will help with energy and inspiration - NOT!
I tried at breakfast to make it feel like a weekend by asking I. if she wanted pancakes for breakfast to which she responded, "No, I want oat bran." I'd like to know how many 4 year olds have uttered that sentence. It's so true what they say about children mirroring what their parents eat, act, and say. So I guess I'm doing good in the eating area because now she prefers oatmeal (unsweetened), oat bran, and "white eggs". "White eggs" is what she calls egg whites which is what I supplement my breakfast and lunch. I usually try to sneak one yolk in her's just for some staying power. When you have a kid who is hungry literally every hour (and that's after 3 huge meals), every bite is all about staying power or I'd be in the kitchen fixing food round the clock. And she's still this lean, mean feisty machine despite the amount of food she consumes. Oh to have her metabolism!
This afternoon we'll be off to our early dinner to be taken care of by "Baby", our favorite waiter. We don't even order, he knows what we want and sometimes has the table set up with drinks and chips before we even hit the door. When V. is not here, that extra care is soothing to me and makes me feel a little less lonely.
Now it's off to the gym to try to burn some of those anticipated dinner calories. Hopefully I'll have more energy after I. goes to bed than I had last night because I have a lot of client work I need to work on. I'm sure that margarita at dinner tonight will help with energy and inspiration - NOT!
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