Day 5

Sleep, aggravation, and productivity.   These are the words to describe today.

Got 9 hours of sleep though I woke up many, many times with aches and pains.   Still it was great to wake up without an alarm and without the feeling that I should be up and doing something for my family members.  Being completely alone provides a freedom like nothing else can provide.

Aggravation came in the form of the flooring being uncompleted today and that it will continue on into next week.  However the real aggravation arose from a baseboard issue where the installers were under the impression that it was completely fine for the left half of a room to have 4" baseboards and the other half of the room to have standard 1" baseboards.  Why they ever thought that would be okay is beyond me.  But it's turning into a disagreement of sorts.  On top of that, I noticed that you can see the nail holes on the baseboards.  I'm not normally a difficult person but if I'm paying $3500+ for a professional job, I'll be damned if I'm going to be on my hands and knees patching a million nail holes and painting them.  I've got enough damn things on my own list - AND I DON'T GET PAID FOR DOING THEM.  So bite me, that's all I've got to say.

Productivity - I got many small errands done that take about 10 minutes of time to handle but by the time I've gotten the stroller out, D. strapped in, and then try to simultaneously entertain him and give sufficient attention to getting the errand done, it not only takes longer than 10 minutes, it takes a lot of my physical and mental energy.  It's a grand balancing act.

Picked up the kiddos this afternoon and while it was a bedtime filled with some crying and tantrums due to one overly tired kid and one kid on an alternative sleep schedule thanks to grandparents, when I went in to their room after they fell asleep it was heartwarming to see them sleeping.  I miss being able to see them sleep - the sight hits my reset button, tugs on my heart strings, and makes me feel as though all is good and well and as it should be.

Post Christmas, Pre-Hibernation

I thought I would write before we descend into the no-computer zone up in Idyllwild tomorrow. I'm looking forward to books, magazines, games, and DVDs at night. Of course, V. will have his new prized possession, his iPad, that I surprised him with for Christmas and that should work up there so we/he won't be completely cut off. The beauty of this hibernation is that it's a furlough week, a week without pay, which means that by law his f-up company cannot contact him. I will take that however I can get it. I got 95% of the packing done today so we can get out of here by late morning which is the strategy because as our Idyllwild luck would have it, there is a snowstorm predicted to hit tomorrow around 4pm. We've been there and done that before, the we-can't-reach-our-cabin-oh-shit moment, and for that reason we always stay as close to the beginning edge of town to try to avoid this. But just to be sure, we are going to try to get there at 2pm before the 40mph wind gusts and snow starts. Believe it or not, it's supposed to feel like 7 below zero by midnight tomorrow. It's going to be pretty doggone cold the whole time we're up there but that's how I like it.

Christmas was a mixed bag. Of course it was good with I. and having V. here for the first time in 3 years. Unfortunately my sister pissed me off several times, almost ruined dinner, and ruined my dessert. She did nothing to help all day and after we (my parents and I) spent 3 hours on dinner and it's almost time to sit down, she starts freaking out trying to find her phone, raising her voice loudly as she wandered the house. I. was having a hard time going to sleep so I told her to get out of the house before I. started calling for me a 4th time. At dinner, she proceeded to cut off 5 pieces of meat, a couple of bites of the sides and shove the remainder of the food onto her bread plate which was right next to my mom's plate. The plate looked like a vomit plate, the way everything was heaped up there. To make matters worse, after she finished her 12 bites of food, she started bugging my mom for more meat, specifically rare meat which there wasn't any left. She kept on until I finally told her to stop harping on my mom and to let her eat her food in peace. Such a bitch. Here's the kicker - when dessert, which consisted of 5 different flavors of cakes, was served everybody took 2 pieces and passed it. She took forever to take 3 pieces and then after everyone finally got a turn, she decided without taking one bite, that she wanted pieces of the other 2 that were left. My dad refused to pass it back down to her, saying that if she wanted more after she was done with what she had she could have some. Well, she threw a tantrum and got up, got 2 more pieces telling my dad that he was a control freak, and sat down. I lost it and told her that she should try making a nice dinner for 3 hours only to have someone throw it all on a "vomit plate" and then make a pig of themselves at dessert and see how well she liked it. I honestly wish she would just disappear - I really hate her. I know that may sound awful to say but after this kind of shit from 14-27 years old, I'm sick of it. Sick of how it ruins our holidays and any get togethers. My only solace is that when my parents are gone, I will have NO problem cutting her out of my life. I've been forced to endure this for so long, too long that when I no longer am required to do so, I will stop without any guilt. I've paid my penance.

V. and I had some time to ourselves to relax and have fun which was nice. This past week I've been so exhausted and it's been great having V. to get I. up in the morning and to help with things around the house. Within 30 minutes of waking up, I'm tired and just not feeling good pretty much until 5pm. It's hard for me to deal with. That's what is good about Idyllwild - no expectations of cleaning, taking care of animals, doing laundry, etc. Yes, I'll make meals and entertain I. but mentally being free of the other stuff really will help. I plan on taking walks in the cold mountain air, breathing in the smell of fireplaces burning, and seeing the forest of trees. I'm looking forward to hibernating.

Not A Great Weekend

Ah, Monday. Back to the normal grind and in some ways, it's a relief. That makes me sad since our normal weekly grind doesn't included V. and that's not the point at all. I like it when V. is here especially after we get I. to bed, it's nice to have the company and other stuff that we won't mention. Barbecuing and eating dinner outside just the two of us is really a great way to cap off the weekend. When we go to the gym, we get to work out side by side which is a nice change and being the sick, critical people we are, there is always someone there that makes it on our radar. Mind you, we're not making fun of how people look or stuff like that. Usually it's those people who sit on the gym equipment and talk for 15 minutes at a time. Those people drive V. nuts and gives me an opportunity to tease him. Unfortunately there is also a woman who is there on the weekends who could be Jodi's doppleganger and I get pissed off all over again when I see her. But I digress...

So that's the part of weekend I like. The part that I detest, I mean REALLY DETEST, is how I. acts much of the weekend lately. Putting the disastrous bathtime routine aside, if she is with V. alone, everything is great. If she's with me by herself, she's fine. But as soon as it's both of us, she gets whining, disobedient, and bratty. To me it feels like she ruins every weekend with her behavior because it feels like all we do is picking her up because she won't go to the bathroom, won't get in the car, etc. In between the picking up (which is NOT helping my shoulder one bit) is my escalating frustration that every single stinking little thing is a fight and that this is opposite of how things are during the week. And then the whole bathtime fight on top of all of it to look forward to at the end of the day. Plus add in the lack of potty training after 15 months. It's a perfect storm that leaves me wanting to walk out of this house every weekend and not come back til Monday.

I'm sure me struggling with some depression right now doesn't help me deal. It bums me out greatly to see all my momma friends on Facebook on Friday saying, "Yay, Friday! Can't wait for family fun!" etc. etc. etc. Meanwhile, on Fridays, I'm trying not to dread the weekend. Things have got to change and I've got to get some ideas on what dynamics are leading to this and how to fix it.

A Tough Week

An unexpectedly tough week. I guess I thought since I made it successfully through the holiday season, I would be home free. Yeah, not really. 'Cause I had Christmas to look forward to and then Palm Desert. Now, I'm back to feeling as though I can't plan anything because I don't know when or if V. is going to be back and that REALLY frustrates me. Yes, I can make it through day by day but if I feel like I can't look past the errands, daily life, and things that need to get done, to something bigger, special and fun what's the point.

Maybe I should feel as though raising, nuturing, and teaching my daughter is good enough. Maybe I should feel lucky that I don't have to work outside of the home, can be a stay at home momma and that I have a direct deposit paycheck thanks to the hubby. Maybe I should stop my pity party of how I feel like a single mom, how lonely and isolated I feel every evening, how I mentally need something to look forward to and hope for in the future as far as being together as a married couple and family.

All these "shoulds" caused a major argument in my psyche and launched the mean side of me from long ago. The part of me who "should" be feeling and thinking all these things was no match for the mean, taunting side of me who ridiculed and minimized what I was thinking and feeling. As in, "Really, you're a single mom? Most single moms don't have a direct deposit going into their checking accounts." "You're here, getting to schedule what needs to be done and enjoying your little girl's company, what the f**k are you complaining about?" "You're enjoying time in Palm Desert with your little girl, what do you have to complain about?" etc...

This led to a lot of guilt that seemed to break out this week. The Shoulds vs. How I Feel. For some reason I seem to feel that the Shoulds have more credibility and value than how I feel. And when that happens, destructive things start tempting me. We'll leave it at that. As bad timing has it, V. called me the next morning after the bad night with the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I reacted negatively and even though I knew I needed to stop with the reasons why it was an inconvenience, I cited a few reasons and but then it was too late. I could almost feel the door slam shut so I just didn't even try. I sent an email saying I was sorry an hour later but it was too late. It took over 12 hours for him to respond with something along the lines that he needed to wait to respond because although he knew I didn't mean it, it cut him deep. When I tried to fix it, he wouldn't let me so I honestly don't know where we are at right now. Great, another deeply unsettling feeling to deal with...

So he ditched me in every way when Mark died yet I forgave him (though can't forget) and moved on. The chance that he's punishing me for voicing my inconveniences is maddening to me. I do understand to a certain extent and I hope, that when I explained to him the next night what the night beforehand involved, that he understood all that I was struggling against and how overwhelming that was. It's hard to know because he doesn't want to talk about it.

Where does this lead me? I'm not sure but I could use a less stressful weekend, that I do know.

Once in a Blue Moon

When it happens to come out that V. and I rarely fight (as in once every 3 years or so), I have a feeling people think I'm fibbing but really I'm not. We just get along extremely well and have gotten to that point in our lives where we realize what is important and what we should just let go 'cause it's not a big deal in the whole scheme of things. Does that mean we NEVER get aggravated at one another? No, though even those times are few and far in between, but tonight's dinnertime was a prime example of those once in a blue moon moments.

We were both really tired by the end of the day by the time we made our way to the dinner table. I began talking about a conversation I had with someone who I feel stops all conversations because he/she announces their "expert" opinion after I've said one sentence. Really, is there anything worthwhile to add to a conversation after that? Anyways, V. pulls out one of my pet peeves - playing devil's advocate and says, "Those were valid points." Aargh, that's not the point! The point is that he/she does this with every stinkin' topic of conversation and it gets old. V. loves to play devil's advocate just to aggravate and for those people who like to argue about anything (ex-wife, other friends) that's great because they love it. Me? I hate it. I don't enjoy arguing and would like to feel as though the person I sleep with and live with is on my side not every other stinkin' person I may bring up in my story of the day. So I state this and he just acts like he doesn't get it which aggravates me further.

Then, pet peeve #2 came into play because I was already aggravated - not commenting on how good dinner is. I've talked to him A LOT about how telling me that dinner tastes good would go really far with me in the scheme of things. But he still doesn't do it. So when the other pet peeve raised its ugly head tonight I figured I'd throw on pet peeve #2 for good measure. So I say,"Gee this chicken is really good tonight! Thanks sweetie I really think so too." Nothing like a dose of sarcasm to reve up a dinner.

At that point, V. got this perturbed, exhausted look about him which means 2 things. One, he's irritated and two, he's feeling piled on by my criticism. Knowing that number two is scar tissue due to the exwife, I clear the table and announce that I won't say any more critical things about him for the rest of the night since he's getting pissed off and overwhelmed by them but to just keep in mind what I've said because it's valid. And I kept my promise though it was actually pretty easy since he fell asleep on the couch about 45 minutes later (hee hee).

So that was our really fun evening and I'm sure there will be more in the future but hopefully not for another few months or so. The bottom line is that we're on the same team and have each other's backs in any fight and we know it. That simple knowledge and confidence will carry us through much of what life throws at us.