An unexpectedly tough week. I guess I thought since I made it successfully through the holiday season, I would be home free. Yeah, not really. 'Cause I had Christmas to look forward to and then Palm Desert. Now, I'm back to feeling as though I can't plan anything because I don't know when or if V. is going to be back and that REALLY frustrates me. Yes, I can make it through day by day but if I feel like I can't look past the errands, daily life, and things that need to get done, to something bigger, special and fun what's the point.
Maybe I should feel as though raising, nuturing, and teaching my daughter is good enough. Maybe I should feel lucky that I don't have to work outside of the home, can be a stay at home momma and that I have a direct deposit paycheck thanks to the hubby. Maybe I should stop my pity party of how I feel like a single mom, how lonely and isolated I feel every evening, how I mentally need something to look forward to and hope for in the future as far as being together as a married couple and family.
All these "shoulds" caused a major argument in my psyche and launched the mean side of me from long ago. The part of me who "should" be feeling and thinking all these things was no match for the mean, taunting side of me who ridiculed and minimized what I was thinking and feeling. As in, "Really, you're a single mom? Most single moms don't have a direct deposit going into their checking accounts." "You're here, getting to schedule what needs to be done and enjoying your little girl's company, what the f**k are you complaining about?" "You're enjoying time in Palm Desert with your little girl, what do you have to complain about?" etc...
This led to a lot of guilt that seemed to break out this week. The Shoulds vs. How I Feel. For some reason I seem to feel that the Shoulds have more credibility and value than how I feel. And when that happens, destructive things start tempting me. We'll leave it at that. As bad timing has it, V. called me the next morning after the bad night with the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I reacted negatively and even though I knew I needed to stop with the reasons why it was an inconvenience, I cited a few reasons and but then it was too late. I could almost feel the door slam shut so I just didn't even try. I sent an email saying I was sorry an hour later but it was too late. It took over 12 hours for him to respond with something along the lines that he needed to wait to respond because although he knew I didn't mean it, it cut him deep. When I tried to fix it, he wouldn't let me so I honestly don't know where we are at right now. Great, another deeply unsettling feeling to deal with...
So he ditched me in every way when Mark died yet I forgave him (though can't forget) and moved on. The chance that he's punishing me for voicing my inconveniences is maddening to me. I do understand to a certain extent and I hope, that when I explained to him the next night what the night beforehand involved, that he understood all that I was struggling against and how overwhelming that was. It's hard to know because he doesn't want to talk about it.
Where does this lead me? I'm not sure but I could use a less stressful weekend, that I do know.
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