Really Aggravated

We heard from the other agent that he sent our revised offer and letter but that the client would be in meetings until 3pm.  The appraiser came at 9am for our place and let us know in no uncertain terms that the most recent 3 bedroom comp in our complex aka the fire sale was going to hurt our appraisal.  These jerk offs listed it for $365K and sold it for the same in one day.  No big surprise since the 2 bedrooms in our complex are going for $385K.  What an asshole.  So now we will have to wait until at least Friday to find out if we're going to be in trouble with selling this place.

Our agent called at 4:15 and said she needed me to resign our offer immediately because she had had us sign in the wrong place but that the other agent said they were signing tonight and that it was basically a done deal.  Well, it's now 8:15 and we haven't heard anything and to be honest, I am really aggravated.  It just seems like this whole process has been nothing if not difficult and I'm over it.  Either sign or don't sign but the deadline was noon and this is just stupid.  Plus about an hour ago, I realized that I didn't notice if this place had AC.  Redfin website says it does but our agent thinks it didn't which aggravates me because that's $2,500 right off the bat.

On top of it, the DVR was acting up so I turned off the tv and turned it back on to see if that would fix it and now it just has white static showing up.  I tried everything I knew to fix it to no avail and V. is not responding to my text message even though it's after 11pm in DC.  By the time he calls me, he'll be of no use since he'll probably have had many drinks with his boss/co workers.  Being that he's out of town for the next 2 weeks, I've got to get this working.

On the plus side, I'm supposed to have dinner with a friend tomorrow evening but even that may be in jeopardy. 

I'd just like one thing in my life to go simply and smoothly, is that really too much to ask?

The Eye of the Storm

This past week has been off the charts.  In four days, I looked at 20 houses.  So much of it is exhausting - the hope that rises up and then crashes down with everything is yuck or a no go, the effort it takes to schedule and try to arrange for sitters when necessary to see as many houses as possible, trying to corral D. when we're in houses that are not vacant, and then handpicking the top ones and going to see them with V. and family to see if one fits.  The big rush is that if we don't find one by tomorrow we're risking having to sell our house and move into a short term rental with hopes of finding a house.  Not something I really want to consider with 2 little kids and 2 cats.

Yesterday we set out to look at an additional 3 houses after a disappointing weekend of looking at houses.   To compound it all, V. is gone until basically October 12th.  Our realtor and I set out yesterday morning and to be honest, I wasn't feeling hopeful.  In fact, I had an emotional hangover.  Granted I was agonizing over this one property that we really liked but which just felt small.  I decided the night before that if this was my consistent impression of this house, I didn't want to walk into it every time for the next 30 years and have that be my first thought.  Once I realized that fact and that this was not the right house, I felt good about it until I realized I was back to square one and we had 3 days to make this whole concurrent thing happen.

First place was a bust but then we went to the next place, a place I almost missed in my automated list and had forwarded the night before to the realtor at 10:30 to say "let's look at this". We walked in and my initial thought was wow and I continued moving through it, I kept thinking "this is it, this is the one" which after looking at now over 75 houses I haven't had screaming through my brain.  Also turns out that the agent is a long time acquaintance of my realtor and as I was looking through it, she was talking on the phone with him.   V. was still in town yesterday and was able to come home early so we grabbed the kids and all went to see.  I. was so excited to see the big room that would be her bedroom and watching them run laughing and screaming in the backyard was a dream come true.  Well almost a dream come true since it's still not ours.  Long story short, we made an offer this morning and sweetened it tonight because there is a cash buyer out there trying to get it but at a low ball price.  We'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if we've got it.  It may be another Lunesta kind of night and Xanax kind of day.  All this not to mention the activities of our house being sold ie. the inspections, appraisal, repair requests, etc., normal life, volunteering at I.'s school, and V. being gone for awhile...

However while the storm swirled around all week, I had a peaceful, joyous moment when I got D. up last night before I went to bed because he was battling a bad diaper rash.  I changed him in our room and then impulsively just laid him in bed with me, snuggling him up against me on his side with my arms around him.  He took a deep breath of me and instantly fell back asleep and we lay like that for about 30 minutes.  He would move around but ultimately ended up on his side, face burrowed in my chest with his arm thrown across me as he dreamed.  I lay there awake, smelling the top of his head, listening to his breathing, and feeling the weight of his body against mine.  I knew that I was being selfish to keep him with me for half an hour and then put him back to bed because interrupted sleep is no fun (I would know) but with all this craziness, this quietness and reconnecting with D. is just what I needed.  It brought us back to those nursing days in the darkness of the late night and early morning.  Judging by how relaxed he was and how he didn't even wake up when I put him back in the crib, I don't think it messed up his sleep too much.  And for the first time in a couple of weeks, I was able to sleep through the night without Lunesta or constant night terrors.  I swear, the only time I have ever slept without nightmares has been when I've been nursing or now it seems, snuggling with my little one right before I go to sleep.  That is pretty amazing from a physiological point of view if you think about it. 

Prayers that our offer is accepted tomorrow morning and we can be excited without fear of disappointment.

A Different Kind of Easter

Usually Easter is a time of joy, not only for the reason of Easter, but also because in our family we've always had a fun Easter egg hunt at my parents' house. When I was a kid, before the siblings came along, it would be my parents, their best friends (a married couple), and me running around like nuts in their huge backyard looking for eggs. It was cutthroat and competitive and involved champagne for the adults which led to many hilarious going-ons during the hunt.

Then that couple moved away and the siblings came and my parents' priorities changed. There was still an egg hunt and it was still fun but there started to be more of a focus on material things which always seems to mar the fun of the simple things in life. Now in the past 10 years or so, the egg hunt, while fun during the hunt itself, is surrounded by stress namely my mother who is in charge of hiding the eggs. Unfortunately this stress surrounds every holiday at my parents' house and in order to enjoy the holiday events, I have to consciously focus on the happy moments and now that I. is around, I solely concentrate on her and the joy she experiences to block out the rest of it. It's really no wonder that when we get home from these holidays, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted with all the "focusing" that goes on just to make it through.

I know that today will be no different, in fact it's going to be much worse than normal. Because of risky investment choices, no job/income for months, and a refusal to make lifestyle changes to reduce expenses, my parents did not have enough money to hold Easter. I'm bringing the side dishes and my brother gave them money for the meat and Easter goodies and that's how we're having it. We don't mind, don't get me wrong, but it definitely casts a pall on the day especially considering that my dad is crying pretty much every day at this point. My brother and I are so angry at my sister because she is still living off my parents even though they have no money and unappreciatively too that it may result in a volatile situation today if she pulls any of her usual "it's all about me" shit. And I still haven't figured out a strategy for how I'm going to deal with her if she does. A big part of me thinks that it needs to be said - she needs to get a job and stop spending all her time at the gym (that my parents pay for) and on the internet (which my parents pay for). But I don't want to ruin Easter either....

Guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

The Hamster's Running on That Damn Wheel Again

Deep breaths, deep breaths. I keep trying to remind myself of this and to just focus on the present but it's against my nature. My tendency when something happens, may happen, or is going to happen is to automatically start thinking about all the situations, challenges and potential issues that may come up for years down the line.

For important decisions in my life, this is good because when I make a decision, it's well thought out, planned ahead for, and usually is the right one. That's great when things in life follow a linear pattern. What's not so great is when something hits me out of left field, all these potential things start bombarding my brain which causes a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. That's where I am right now.

To add to all this, V. has been gone since Thanksgiving and these 3 weeks feel more like 3 months. His days have been so stressful and exhausting that some nights, usually the nights that I really could benefit from hearing his voice, he falls asleep and doesn't call me. Like today. He didn't call us this morning, didn't answer his phone this afternoon, and didn't call tonight. The only contact we had was a short text "conversation" when I informed him that we had just been rearended badly.

Yes, you read that correctly. As though anything else needed to land on my plate, I. and I got slammed from behind. We had just left the house to head to Legoland, stopped at a red light in line for the right turn when wham! we got slammed in the back. There wasn't even the sound of brakes and she was coming down the hill so I know she was probably going at least 30 mph. Everything in the car went flying around and by the time we turned the corner to pull into a parking lot, my head was killing me - instant headache. She kind of apologize with a "Sorry, I'm in a hurry and I'm lost" and then proceeded to pull out her cell phone to leave a message with whoever she was supposed to meet with at 10 (it was now 10:15) to call her so that they could reschedule. She hit us so hard that her front license plate was impaled into my bumper until it was flush with it. These were huge 3 inch long screws that went all the way through. Luckily, there were some guys around that I went and asked if they could help pry it off my car so that I could throw it at this career bitch's head. We went straight to the chiropractor's office because my neck, shoulder and back were killing me and I. was complaining of neck and head pain too.

Now on top of everything else, I'm all out of whack and need to go to the chiropractor several times next week just so things don't get worse. Plus, I get the pleasure of dealing with her insurance company, having to schedule in a meeting with her claims adjuster. Plus, price out a new car seat because in CA, if the seat's been in an accident, you're supposed to replace it. All this on top of I.'s Christmas chapel on Tuesday and Thursday I'm helping out in her class for an hour and a half for Jesus' Birthday celebration.

Oh, don't forget that tomorrow we're getting the Christmas tree and I was going to have to "man" that sucker up a flight of stairs and into the house. The good news about that was that I talked today with Terry and he is going to be in the area tomorrow late morning and stop to lug it in for me. Thank God for him - he's gotten me out of a few jams during our friendship.

And the girls' demands were communicated to V. yesterday and were immediately vetoed. They even had back demands that were also vetoed. Though a little curious about what the demands were, I didn't ask because I knew it would just piss me off and be another negative hamster running through the wheel of my mind. All I asked was what the basis of the veto was and was told by V. that the demands were not anything needed (ie. $350 Juicy Couture purses like last year). So at least that interference was run for me and I don't have to waste any emotional energy on it, at least for now.

Believe it or not, I. and I did still go to Legoland though only for 2 hours. Have YOU ever tried to tell a little kid that you weren't going to go to an amusement park because some stupid lady hit you? I mean, even I don't think that's fair. She ruin enough of our day and part of our future days, so why let her ruin the whole day? We did have fun though I was in pain, because nobody was at the park and we just ran around and walked on every ride and some of them, they asked us if we wanted to just stay on and ride a second time. Sweet!

But now it's evening, I'm tired, hurting, overwhelmed, feeling alone and scared about future uncertainties and there's no one here but the animals. I'll definitely be heading to bed early and hoping for a joyful time of picking out a Christmas tree with I., having an early dinner at a restaurant and hopefully having a relaxing, uneventful day.

Thanksgiving Madness

Ah, Thanksgiving Eve. It's always a time of anticipation when my sister is involved but it appears to have gotten even better this year. My brother received an email from my sister and forwarded it to me this morning. She has got to be the most self-centered, bitchy, delusional person I have ever known. Let's review this email, keeping in mind that my sister is almost 28 years old, is not mentally retarded, has no job, and does not go to school. Basically, all she does is live off my parents and is ruining my mother's health literally.

"I think that she could minimize her workload so she could have more time to enjoy herself. She could make appointments at lightening speed and communicate with others plus cut down on all those crappy catalogues that she gets and besides the fact that she could make deposits and the such over the web rather than risk herself getting mugged or something lik Please tell me what you think:)"

By "she", my sister is speaking of my mother. You know the person who she calls and orders to take her here, there, and everywhere at whatever time and day she commands. The person who buys all her groceries, pays her rent and gym membership and cell phone and any gifts that are "given by" my sister. Yeah, she's really concerned about my mother's workload. Actually, she's just irritated that my mother isn't on call for her 24/7 and never wants to be told that my mother can't do something for her. And you know those "crappy catalogues" that my mother gets? My mother enjoys looking at those while she eats lunch and takes a crap but my sister can't fathom that.

"This was something that I saw last night while I was on the Hp site and thought to myself that Mommy really needs, since she has been saying that she is really lonely.I think that this would be a better idea rather than a fancy pantsuit and besides the fact that she could learn how to be more efficent without having to stress her self out.(i.e) if you have looked at your microsoft office 2007 she can make grocery lists, keep track of her bills, do her accounting and other various tasks. Then the fact that the computer happens to be a "digital clutch", kinda like a purse, but much more useful is another great plus. It is a Hp, Vivienne Tam( one of thoses designers' that she likes, and the commercial promoting it is a Indian woman, almost the exact lookalike as the ones that our Godmother Ann painted that she is so fond of. The cover to this laptop has butterflies and is shell pink. It has everything a woman could need, plus the fact that it can fit into her purse or she can carry it like an evening bag. Check it out."

If this was any other than my sister, you may think this is a nice person. That is if you leave out all the bizarre detailed information about designers and the fact that an Indian person in the commercial looks like etc. and for some reason that means my mother needs this thing. Number one, my mother can barely use a cell phone. Number two, my mother is not lonely and even if she's was, she would NEVER tell my sister that because that would just be an invitation for my sister to park herself even more in my mother's daily life. Lastly, she's telling all this to my brother so that HE can buy this $1,000 present for my mom.

"Here's my christmas list I thought you might eye out the jewelery. the juicy necklace and matching bracelet were just some good ideas. feel free to select any of the other pieces or items. hope your day is going well and look forward to seeing on thursday."

I'm sorry, sending your Xmas list to someone who hasn't requested it is just plain rude or delusional or both. He can't even stand being around her, why would he possibly want her Xmas list? And that it's expensive jewelry. But feel free to select any of the other pieces or items. WTF?

"What was the story with Ani how come she wasn"t at i.'s birthday. What is she a what's it? Cause she has definetly got a screw up her ass. Tell her to deposit outside of self more people would appreciate that than say the recycling truck realizes. I do plan on being kind to her and look forward to the choo-choo and chug another making whoopee elsewhere! Love you, just trying to express my feelings and a possible smile somewhere in that lost look you have gotten me despising myself for! "

Ani is Aaron's girlfriend, a really nice girl. She's 18, has a job, goes to school full-time and treats my brother well. And my sister is being really bitchy for no reason. She has always been jealous of his girlfriends, bizarre to say the least and creepy at times. You can't see it but she also called I. by the wrong name. Yeah, she's been alive for 5 years, you'd think she'd know her name by now. Who cares right? I mean, it's not my sister's name so she really doesn't care. And then you can see the level of crazy we're dealing with when we go into the part about choo-choos, chugs, and making whoopee elsewhere.

Yeah, so my brother and I are really looking forward to tomorrow. Looks like it's going to be a real ball of fun. I just hope fights can be avoided, that she lays off my mom or there will be problems, that she doesn't stare at the girls the whole dinner and that my brother and I can find something to laugh about. Some family holidays just have to be approached with low expectations and hope and tomorrow is one of those.

A Day

I woke up yesterday with a pulled muscle in my back and today it is still very tender. Add to that the threat of having our water turned off 8am-3pm, my first cavity being filled this afternoon and you have a cornucopia of a long day. We're going to the gym just to have secure access to bathrooms this morning and then my mom is supposed to come over to watch I. while I go to the dentist.

You see, I have a thing about teeth. As in kind of a phobia, gross-out type of thing. Always have, even when I was a kid. I've never had any kind of work done at the dentist aside from cleanings, which by the way I have a hard time with. It's like an overload of sensations that I can't escape from - wetness, grittiness, the scraping sound, the scraping feeling, the blood - ugh, it's almost too much for me. And now, the cavity filling, God help me. Or if not Him, may the 2 Ativans that I'll be taking at 1pm help me to just not care. Apparently, I'm lucky enough to have the only dentist to not offer nitrious oxide.

What a day.

One Step Forward, One Step Back

I'll chalk up yesterday as a successful day since it was the first time in three days where I didn't find myself at some point sitting on the floor leaning against the toliet sobbing. The emotional hangover had worn off and my sense of humor had made a reappearance. I. seemed to be successfully fighting off this virus that hangs on and on so her mood was pretty high which is usually an accurate predictor of how easy/difficult a day it's going to be. V. and I had a good workout at the gym, teasing each other about past and present events and even though he had to go to the office for a couple of hours, he was home in time for I.'s bedtime routine. Last night we went out to dinner with my parents in Old Town and we had a really good time. Except for the inevitable phone call I got saying that I. was claiming not to be able to fall asleep. This of course after she discovered that her favorite person was babysitting. I walked back to the table, my heart dropping just a little in anticipation of I. being tired today, and just a little aggravated that I was caught taking a few hours off.

I know it's stupid of me to feel aggravated. It's not like I. was sitting plotting this evil plan to not go to sleep. Yet somehow it just adds to that "I can't catch a break" mentality where it seems I'm always one step behind, one thing not done right, one reaction not jiving with the discipline mentality I've just promised I'm going to follow through with. I just wanted to be able to go out for a few hours as an adult and laugh with other adults without a phone call reminding me of what is not going right in my house, my workplace and what will most likely be waiting for me today in the way of challenges. I had this same feeling when my career was careening around the corners on two wheels. That feeling of not being able to really ever escape - it was always just one phone call away. The phone call of problems in my workplace that I was expected and required to solve. The phone calls that conjured up feelings of guilt because I had dared to actually take a short break from all of it to try to keep myself sane. The phone calls that brought feelings of dread and a panicky feeling, the pressure weighing me down to the point of just wanting to run away and escape at all costs because I couldn't take it anymore.

All these emotions rushing back with that one phone call. If I'm being honest, it's not just a phone call that can trigger all of this. Since the "vacation", it's as simple as being in an overwhelmed state and I. calling/demanding/sassing/crying one more (or many) more times and these feelings surface. Thus the sobfests in the bathroom.

Maybe now that I've identified what's going on and what's triggering it, I'll have better perspective on it, knowing that it's not completely rooted in what's going on in present day. If that doesn't work, I'll just look at our upcoming Las Vegas trip itinerary and go away in my mind for just a little while...

Deep Breaths & A Vodka Tonic

in-com-pe-tent: adj. not having the necessary skills to do something successfully

Though I am not completely convinced, in my mind and heart I feel like an incompetent mother. This last vacation has left me exhausted and frustrated as a parent and without some sort of a break from being a parent, my frustration and anger just continues to build. I've heard people say that children will understand if there are more relaxed rules and less strigent schedules while on vacations; that they will understand that when they get home that the "old", regular rules still apply. To that, I say "Bullshit!"

Because now I'm paying the price of trying to be less rigourous and strict. I was paying it throughout the whole damn vacation and now that we're back, I'm STILL paying for it. Tomorrow will be the first day since returning that neither the girls nor V. will be here' it'll just be I. and me and I'll tell you what, there will be a drastic return to how things were. The whining, the 2 year old screeching, the not listening, the defiance, the tantrums, the "I'm not going to eat my dinner but now I want to eat in bed" game - all this is going to end. As a former boss put it, it's time for a "come to Jesus" because I can't take it, not one more day.

I feel like we've gone back two years in ground covered. This evening while V. was washing I. in the bath (or attempting to wash her), I went in my closet and sobbed because I can't take much more. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be yelling at her, frustrated at her, angry towards her because of how she's acting. I think to myself, "If I can't handle ONE four year old child, how the HELL am I going to handle her as she gets older?" It's not like I have multiple children. I can't even seem to deal with one and thus, the label of "incompetent".

Physically, I realize that I'm not at a strong level which I know does not help me in dealing with stress. This weekend, I've been fighting off a virus (sore throat, tired, earache, headache) and I've developed painful bursitis in my shoulder. Not the shoulder that just healed after daily pain for 11 months - the other one. I can't move it away from my body without excruciating pain and I can't sleep on it. So basically, in the past year I had 2 weeks without shoulder pain and now I'm back in a lot of pain.

Mentally and emotionally, I feel exhausted, drained, and overwhelmed. I've put off talking to my dad because I don't feel like I can handle one more thing. Of course, not talking to him and/or actively helping him increases guilt and stress. Just like how I need a break from I. to gain some breathing room and perspective increases my guilt and lowers my parenting confidence. Honestly, I think this whole vacation capped off a series of events (Mark's anniversary, Jodi BS, my dad losing his job) has led to a low/medium-grade depression. The three adjectives I used in the first sentence of this paragraph are usually the first symptoms. However, during and after this vacation, I've also felt a great amount of irritation over just about everything and often times feel as though I'm watching and experiencing the good/happy moments like a spectator without truly enjoying them and that makes me sad.

V. recognizes some of these behaviors and says we need to get away for an adults-only vacation. I agree but I'm concerned whether this will be a good time for my parents to be watching her but I guess I'll just ask and find out. Until then, deep breaths and a vodka tonic...

A Toss Up

This vacation has been a toss up so far and we're halfway through now. We've had fun and the ocean water is wonderful - warm and that turquoise blue. I've been able to read in the evening outside listening to the waves which has been nice. The bad part has been that all my fears about I. having a difficult time with the time change were right on target. I know my daughter. She's not the kid who just goes to sleep when she is completely wiped out and done for the day. She's the one that goes literally balls to the wall until she can't. And "can't" doesn't mean go to sleep. "Can't" means she loses it emotionally. She cannot handle anything, not one more thing. My description of this is "emotional whack job" because this describes it perfectly. Anything and everything can set it off and it will continue for hours. Screaming tantrums, crying meltdowns - it can be a melting popsicle or a stern look from me to set it off.

I've been trying my best to get her the sleep she needs because I don't want V. and her sisters who don't see her often to see the worst of her. This is not how she normally acts unless she doesn't get sleep. I've moved up her bedtime to get her 12 hours a night but it's obviously not enough, especially considering the major deficit the first two nights. Already I'm thinking ahead to the long day of travelling we have facing us on Wednesday because if she continues down this road (a building sleep deficit), things are going to be REALLY dicey on that day. I got her in bed at 6:45 tonight after a day at the beach and she would have gone to sleep if not for the poopies that showed up at 8:00 and her claim that she was now hungry. So much for the earlier bedtime, now she's sure to be an emotional whack job tomorrow.

I enjoy and rest in between these stresses and tantrums but it's hard to let go completely especially knowing we have that long travel day and that things are deteriorating further each day. I used to dread going home after a vacation but maybe I won't this time because I'll be looking forward to getting I. back on her sleep schedule and her normal food (which has been an issue too). I guess that might be a benefit of a semi-tough vacation.

Nothing is panning out for my dad work wise this week and he sounds dejected. Maybe being away on this vacation isn't so bad...

A Tough Week

An unexpectedly tough week. I guess I thought since I made it successfully through the holiday season, I would be home free. Yeah, not really. 'Cause I had Christmas to look forward to and then Palm Desert. Now, I'm back to feeling as though I can't plan anything because I don't know when or if V. is going to be back and that REALLY frustrates me. Yes, I can make it through day by day but if I feel like I can't look past the errands, daily life, and things that need to get done, to something bigger, special and fun what's the point.

Maybe I should feel as though raising, nuturing, and teaching my daughter is good enough. Maybe I should feel lucky that I don't have to work outside of the home, can be a stay at home momma and that I have a direct deposit paycheck thanks to the hubby. Maybe I should stop my pity party of how I feel like a single mom, how lonely and isolated I feel every evening, how I mentally need something to look forward to and hope for in the future as far as being together as a married couple and family.

All these "shoulds" caused a major argument in my psyche and launched the mean side of me from long ago. The part of me who "should" be feeling and thinking all these things was no match for the mean, taunting side of me who ridiculed and minimized what I was thinking and feeling. As in, "Really, you're a single mom? Most single moms don't have a direct deposit going into their checking accounts." "You're here, getting to schedule what needs to be done and enjoying your little girl's company, what the f**k are you complaining about?" "You're enjoying time in Palm Desert with your little girl, what do you have to complain about?" etc...

This led to a lot of guilt that seemed to break out this week. The Shoulds vs. How I Feel. For some reason I seem to feel that the Shoulds have more credibility and value than how I feel. And when that happens, destructive things start tempting me. We'll leave it at that. As bad timing has it, V. called me the next morning after the bad night with the proverbial straw on the camel's back. I reacted negatively and even though I knew I needed to stop with the reasons why it was an inconvenience, I cited a few reasons and but then it was too late. I could almost feel the door slam shut so I just didn't even try. I sent an email saying I was sorry an hour later but it was too late. It took over 12 hours for him to respond with something along the lines that he needed to wait to respond because although he knew I didn't mean it, it cut him deep. When I tried to fix it, he wouldn't let me so I honestly don't know where we are at right now. Great, another deeply unsettling feeling to deal with...

So he ditched me in every way when Mark died yet I forgave him (though can't forget) and moved on. The chance that he's punishing me for voicing my inconveniences is maddening to me. I do understand to a certain extent and I hope, that when I explained to him the next night what the night beforehand involved, that he understood all that I was struggling against and how overwhelming that was. It's hard to know because he doesn't want to talk about it.

Where does this lead me? I'm not sure but I could use a less stressful weekend, that I do know.

When Your Best Isn't Very Good

Thank God people don't actually read my blog because I'm sure there would be an outcrying over this post, complete with anoxeria nervosa specialist links attached to the outraged comments. Because these days, food is really overrated. This from a woman who lovingly plans complete semi-fancy dinners for the week cross-referencing her favorite recipes to what is on sale at the grocery store. I like to eat yummy food or at least, I USED to like to eat yummy food.

Now, I view food as a necessary, albeit very small part, of my life. Before any links for eating disorders get sent my way, this is not because I think I am fat (or was fat) though I have to admit I'm pretty happy that the little mommy gut I had collected along the way has shrinked measurably and on good days, has almost disappeared, especially if I'm standing up. But that has just been a nice by-product of what is really going on here.

Except I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on here. My stomach has been in knots for a while, leading to me getting ill when I do eat, especially if it's before 5pm. So, I choke down a low calorie protein drink in the morning (so I can work out) while I'm doing something else because if I'm not doing something else, I'll gag on it. Any solid foods in the morning come out immediately and I'm not saying anything more about that. Lunch consists of a protein bar if I'm can stay distracted enough to choke that down and dinner (since V. has been gone for almost a month) is a Weight Watchers dinner or some steamed shrimp. The weirdest thing for me, normally having a pretty healthy appetite, is that I am stuffed after these dinners.

So yeah, I've got grief and some stress to help explain this phenomenon but to be honest it's more than that. I eat only enough to not pass out, sustain a hard gym workout, and have enough of a foundation for nighttime vodka tonics after I. is safely asleep. Yes, I know it's not healthy, not even a little bit. But you know what, IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. Better because I can control it, this in a world that is SO out of control for me right now. I like feeling the hunger pains because the physical pain makes me feel less guilty that I'm alive and Mark is not. I don't want to feel good right now because ultimately, it will make me feel bad. I can't do all the physical things I used to do to deal with my emotional anguish but I can feel the pain of hunger and it distracts me. I try to remember to take a vitamin with dinner so I'm not trying to do damage to myself, I'm just trying to make it through.

And while I'm not proud of myself and I may not be treating myself the very best that I could be, with V. gone and Mark dead and me trying to keep I. happy and my head above water each day as a single parent, it's the best I've got so for right now, it'll just have to do.

Oh Boy, Oh Boy, Having Some Fun Now

I will update this post tonight but things are just getting better and better. Had to drive V. to the airport this morning and if my stomach wasn't bad enough already, the drive was like an obstacle course. Closed freeways, accidents, traffic, you name it. V. was stressed out about making his flight and I was stressed out that he was stressed out. By the time I dropped him off, my stomach was in agony. Thank God I went to the gym for a little while and that seemed to help a bit.

But then, Jodi called me because she needs some clothing items and a few other things from Mark's parents' house. And we all know how well things are between them, don't we? I also have a feeling, I'm viewed a little like being on the other side since I've been helping Jodi so that makes for a very uncomfortable situation. Anyways, I called over there and talked briefly, as in VERY briefly, with Mark's dad and call me crazy, the reception seemed a wee bit cold. Part of that pisses me off because this situation is of their doing primarily. It certainly isn't my fault. So I'm going over there with a list and I. in 30 minutes and hoping that it doesn't turn into a bad, uncomfortable situation. I just want everything to be nice for Mark, bottom line and if they say or ask me anything, that's what I'm going to say because really, that should be what everyone is working toward at this point. Will update tonight...

UPDATE: So it wasn't too bad over there most likely due to a comment I made on Thursday when the family seemed surprised that Jodi asked me to be the one to go with her to the mortuary and cemetary after Mark died. I told his family that Mark had asked me months ago to promise him that I would help Jodi with things after he died and that was what I was doing. Today when I showed up at his parents' house to get Jodi's things, I gave both of them hugs and everything seemed somewhat okay. When I went to leave, his mom said, "I bet when Mark asked you to help in this process you never thought it would be like this." I sa d, "Yeah, that's true but I'd do anything for him. My main goal is to make sure that the service is how Mark deserves and would like." I really believe in my heart that they just don't understand why Jodi is so hurt and mad though it seems painfully obvious. That's really a tragedy because that means Jodi is in pain, his family is in pain, and I'm in pain as a third person witnessing Mark's family imploding at this volatile time.

Am I Living in the Land of Even Steven?

Ever since M was diagnosed with inoperable cancer, the most common thought in my mind and coming out of my mouth was, "I wish they would come back home." I knew we could provide a lot of help, support, and love that he and his wife need at this time.

So my wish is coming true and they should be arriving the second week of December. As in moving here for good. What an answer to my prayers! I'm really excited and sort of relieved in a way. I just want some more time and moments with him.

The Even Steven part of it is that as they come down here, V is being sent to Saudi Arabia to work for 3 weeks. Then back for Christmas and New Years and then back to SA for another 3 weeks, home 1 week etc. This may go on for up to 6 months. So M comes back and V leaves. Why can't I have both here at the same time? It's felt like each day of this year, I've been missing someone and feeling like there's a hole in my heart. And I'm tired of it.

I struggle already with "waiting for the other shoe to drop" whenever things are going well and I know that and try to actively combat those kind of thoughts. But then there's this - M is coming home and I'm blissfully happy about that for one week until I find out V is being shipped off to some God forsaken place. See, one week and then the shoe drops. At least that's how it seems.

Thank God I have a book on hold at the library called "The Geography of Bliss: one grump's search for the happiest places in the world". It's been recommended and seems to be just what the doctor orders when it comes to filling my mind with helpful tips on how to have positive and thankful thoughts. I'll let you know how that turns out!

I Want My Uneventful Life Back Please

I know some people say their life is boring but when I say I want my uneventful, drama-free life back it's far from boring but not so emotionally exhausting. The last 2 weeks have exhausted me - some of which I brought upon myself a little but some of which is totally out of my control but affects me just the same.

A quick tally:

Week before last: drama over gift demands of nonappreciative stepdaughters
Sunday: found out my best friend of 10 yrs is in the hospital, very sick
Last Monday: one of said stepdaughters skips class despite warnings from parents and gets brand new camera and Blackberry taken away (see above for "nonappreciative")
Tuesday: good chance my friend has pancreatic cancer
Thursday: friend diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, moderate stage
Saturday: notified that husband's best friend has been busted for drug dealing; lost his job 2 yrs. ago and has been struggling; we've sent money to keep his car working for all his odd jobs but he needed more money to pay rent and for food for himself and his jobs thus the drug dealing
Today: find out sister tasered by sheriff for obvious drug trip + bipolar illness, taken to ER, picked up by my younger brother this afternoon and treats him like crap despite his kindness

I'm tempted to just delete this whole post but I feel like I need it on the record for later when I may be going thru more and need this as a point of reference. I just feel so overwhelmed by frustration and anger. I told husband when he called (he's gone all week) that it was probably good that he wasn't here since I was just adding to my anger list and this way I didn't get grumpy with him.

I had such high hopes for this week....well, maybe tomorrow will kick off a good week.