One Step Forward, One Step Back

I'll chalk up yesterday as a successful day since it was the first time in three days where I didn't find myself at some point sitting on the floor leaning against the toliet sobbing. The emotional hangover had worn off and my sense of humor had made a reappearance. I. seemed to be successfully fighting off this virus that hangs on and on so her mood was pretty high which is usually an accurate predictor of how easy/difficult a day it's going to be. V. and I had a good workout at the gym, teasing each other about past and present events and even though he had to go to the office for a couple of hours, he was home in time for I.'s bedtime routine. Last night we went out to dinner with my parents in Old Town and we had a really good time. Except for the inevitable phone call I got saying that I. was claiming not to be able to fall asleep. This of course after she discovered that her favorite person was babysitting. I walked back to the table, my heart dropping just a little in anticipation of I. being tired today, and just a little aggravated that I was caught taking a few hours off.

I know it's stupid of me to feel aggravated. It's not like I. was sitting plotting this evil plan to not go to sleep. Yet somehow it just adds to that "I can't catch a break" mentality where it seems I'm always one step behind, one thing not done right, one reaction not jiving with the discipline mentality I've just promised I'm going to follow through with. I just wanted to be able to go out for a few hours as an adult and laugh with other adults without a phone call reminding me of what is not going right in my house, my workplace and what will most likely be waiting for me today in the way of challenges. I had this same feeling when my career was careening around the corners on two wheels. That feeling of not being able to really ever escape - it was always just one phone call away. The phone call of problems in my workplace that I was expected and required to solve. The phone calls that conjured up feelings of guilt because I had dared to actually take a short break from all of it to try to keep myself sane. The phone calls that brought feelings of dread and a panicky feeling, the pressure weighing me down to the point of just wanting to run away and escape at all costs because I couldn't take it anymore.

All these emotions rushing back with that one phone call. If I'm being honest, it's not just a phone call that can trigger all of this. Since the "vacation", it's as simple as being in an overwhelmed state and I. calling/demanding/sassing/crying one more (or many) more times and these feelings surface. Thus the sobfests in the bathroom.

Maybe now that I've identified what's going on and what's triggering it, I'll have better perspective on it, knowing that it's not completely rooted in what's going on in present day. If that doesn't work, I'll just look at our upcoming Las Vegas trip itinerary and go away in my mind for just a little while...