A Glimpse Into My Brain

I. has the worst cough she's ever had.

Why the hell isn't she going to sleep? She's been yawning since 3:30. Oh shit, I gave her that cough medicine for kids that I meant to throw out since the red dye in it wires her. Great, I basically screwed her and myself for tomorrow.

Note to self: find no-dye cough syrup tomorrow.

Just like that book I picked up for myself which obviously was meant for my dad, it's no accident that I received this movie today through Netflix. It's called "The Boys Are Back" and if there was any doubt whether my absence would have an impact on I., there isn't any more.

I wonder if my dad is going to call me at 9:30 tonight to obsess over the latest on the job front. Last night I was too tired mentally to even get on the computer yet what am I supposed to do when he's calling? He knows I'm here and V. is not so there is no valid reason for me to not answer the phone. Yet it was frustrating and tiring for me to have to try to prop someone else up when I'm struggling with propping my own self up. Not being able to "hide" in my own home at night (from the telephone) makes me feel like an unprotected target, able to be gotten to by others whenever they demand it.

Are the protein bars I ordered over in the mailbox melting in this hot air? Should I walk across the complex and look?

I wish I could turn off the AC soon. I'm really starting to dread the electricity bill.

Tomorrow I was going to take I. down to the pool for a couple of hours before lunch but I don't know if that's a good idea with her clogged up nose and bad cough. Maybe we'll just watch a DVD movie and have popcorn in the late morning because we can. That would be different and special.

How many days until Vegas? Seventeen I think. Okay, I can do that, right?

Today was better between I. and I - lots of love and affection. Wetting the underwear sucked - three times today but she washed them herself as per the new consequences set up last week so I'm going to let it go. Just reinforces what I already knew about her - sending her to Kindergarten for a 7:30-2pm day would have been the worst thing I could have done to her. Obviously, she is not ready.

No emotion, no talking. No emotion, no talking. All my books say the same thing - no emotion, no talking. Why is that so hard for me to do?

May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be strong, may I live my life in ease. Something I read in a book this week, this author uses it for her meditation. Not thinking of meditation but I like the words and the goal of quieting the mind. God knows my mind needs quieting.

While on the treadmill today, I realized that I'm lonely. My best friend died, my husband is out of town M-F, and I really don't have any friends that I'm very close to, as in a daily or even a weekly basis. I thought about that. Part of me doesn't feel energized enough to make the concerted effort of time, self, and energy that must go into developing a friendship, a close one that is. Part of me doesn't feel like I have the time to devote to a friendship and part of me doesn't want to get close to anyone because my past experience has been that they either move or die. And when that happens, a part of me is gone and I'm left with feeling a loss. Someday maybe I'll be up to it, but it's not now. Until then or if V. ever has a normal job where we see each other almost daily, I guess I'm just going to feel lonely.

Going to feel outside and see if it's cool down enough to turn off the AC. No, not yet. Note to self: need to figure out who I'm going to have come out and fix the porch light. I don't like having it pitch black outside our house.

I need to get back to this movie or it's going to get late before I know it.

Hopefully, I. won't be sicker tomorrow and I won't have chaotic, stressful dreams tonight. I'm trying to use the Lunesta sleep medicine as little as possible but it's hard. When I take it, I sleep so well, probably how most people normally sleep, and when I wake up in the morning I feel pretty good. It's just so nice to not wake up every time I turn over and if I do wake up, be able to just warmly drift back to sleep instead of my mind switching on and starting the hamster wheel going. Why can't I sleep like a normal person?