Culmination of Events

It wasn't that today was a bad day, my psyche just feels like it was. Mainly, it was just a culmination of things that ended me up not feeling great by the end of the day. We went to a playdate this morning which was a good thing because we haven't been able to for awhile. The only bad thing is that that meant I couldn't go to the gym for the second day in a row. I'm already feeling slightly disgusted with myself so not going to the gym does not help.

Right before we left the playdate, I. got her hand accidently slammed in the patio door and seeing her in pain and knowing how much that had to hurt kind of wiped me out. It also caused us to leave later than I wanted to and we ended up racing home to make it for a 1pm appointment at our house. On top of this, my lunch was basically whatever I grazed on at the playdate and after a month of eating for energy, this kind of "lunch" made my energy level dip to nothing and I had a headache. The appointment lasted longer than I expected so we only had 30 minutes to rest before we had to go to a doctor's appointment for this painful mouth condition I've had 3 times in the last 6 weeks.

I got up from the rest time still tired, headachy, and irritable and we headed to the doctor's office. They want to weigh me and I'm really not in the mood for it. Especially when their scale shows me about 5 lbs. more than the scale at the gym - WTF?! Now I'm really pissed off and then the nurse practioner says to just get some OTC remedy to fix this - I paid $25 for this?

Then Mark's guy friend, Brian, leaves a message that he talked to Jodi earlier this week and that the headstone is installed but that he was not allowed to tell anyone until today because yesterday was their wedding anniversary and she didn't want anybody else there. Okay, understood but it still reeks of control issues and that irritated me. He also mentioned that the conversation included a lot of anger about Mark's family which ticks me off still. I've been struggling with the fact that I haven't called Jodi and seen how she was and I've felt guilty about it. But the fact remains that I don't want to give Jodi the opportunity to try to use me as a tool or weapon against Mark's family and I don't want to hear her anger and hatred towards them. I have enough of the negativity from my own family, I don't need it additionally from someone else's family.

But the fact remains that I feel as though I'm letting Mark down and letting his son down in some way. Hopefully Brian and I can talk sometime next week and I can get the full scoop on his conversation with Jodi and then maybe I can gauge things a little better. Really, the bottom line of today is that Mark's not alive. While I'm glad his headstone is finally there to honor him, I wish I could look up across a room or just right next to me and see his warm, supportive smile and hear that chuckle that I've heard so often. We were really a good team, Mark and I, and I miss him so much.

The "I Hate To Tell You" Conversation

I didn't have a chance this morning to post about my conversation with my mother yesterday morning. Let's call it the "I Hate To Tell You" conversation. Boys and girls, this is how the game begins. First, I start off a topic 'cause I learned from last week that unless you want to listen to 1 hour of monologue, you need to come prepared for the game. So I kicked it off with the topic of buying a new refrigerator. To which my mother replied, "Oh, I hate to tell you...." and then proceeded to rant about how much she hates her newish, side by side refrigerator. Yeah, thanks. I WAS excited about my new refrigerator but now I'm actually kind of dreading it for fear of all these impending problems. Next topic - "I hate to tell you..." and launched into the next uplifting monologue.

Granted my mom has been in pain for awhile and she just got those painful nerve injections, and she is still under a lot of stress but come on! Two weeks in a row, it's hard to look forward to next Wednesday's call. I almost need a couple of glasses of wine before the call to make it thru in one piece but then I'd probably trip and fall on the treadmill. Can't wait til next week's call...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, after I brought I. home from school and we were looking in her bucket at the day's craft production, I happened to look over and there was Fuzzy doing the squat under the kitchen table. I ran over there but by that point, it was too late, she had already started and what the hell was I gonna do. The bus was out of the station so all I could do is wait and then clean up. I don't know what's going on in this house but all I know is that it's just downright shitty.

Five Minutes to Spare

With about 5 minutes to spare, this is going to be a really fast post. Obviously it's going to be a busy day but I. will be going to her scientific "camp" before school so I will have 4.5 hours to myself. Parenting today will be a cake walk. No matter what happens, with that kind of a chunk of time to just be me, I will have the patience to handle it. Of course, I've got back to back things that I have to do right after I drop I. off but hopefully by 2pm, I'll have a chance to relax before picking I. up at 3pm. At least one of the things to attend to is a business meeting which I should leave with $125 more than I have now so that's a good thing.

If I had been keeping score yesterday in the house from 3-4 pm., the score would have been Poopie Butts 4, Me 0 because I was gained up on and in the most disgusting way. I. kicked things off with a poo session - that was butt wiping #1. Then Cat came up with some extra poo baggage on his back end so we had to take it to the ground in the bathroom and take care of that (Butt Wiping #2) I went back to finish I.'s dinner and there he was again. This time with crap ALL OVER his butt, stomach, paws - it was DISGUSTING. Granted, he was under a lot of stress the day before and he's on antibiotics now but still, give me a friggin' break. Butt Wiping #3.

Back Cat and I went into the locked bathroom and practiced our best WWE wrestling moves. I could be totally disgusting and say that it looked a little like mud wrestling but that would be too much, right? I emerged victoriously, albeit smelly, took I. upstairs for a bath, when she informs me that I need to vacate the bathroom because she needed to go again. That has how we arrived at the final score Poopie Butts 4 Me 0.

My hope for today is that it's a much less shitty day, literally.

Great News, Bad News

The great news is that Cat came through everything with flying colors. Everyone was raving about how he is the most beautiful and healthy 16 year old cat they've ever seen. When I picked him up, he looked like he'd been through the war and after a $1000 bill, I feel like our finances just went through the war. Now for the next 10 days, twice a day, I get the pleasure of wrestling him down and giving liquid medicine to him. I've only done it once so far and it wasn't fun. I never knew a cat could wiggle backwards out of such a small spot. I'll remember that for tonight's wrestling match. The medicine is hopefully going to help him stop pooping on the carpet so I have a BIG incentive to get it down his throat. Somehow I managed to keep a straight face and not visibly gag when the vet told me that one of his anal glands was very full and that they expressed it. Sorry if you're eating while reading that.

The bad news is that my mom has been incapacitated with back pain to the point that she had to go in yesterday and get nerve block shots down both legs. Between the pain and the anticipation of the painful shots, her blood pressure shot to the moon which is another big problem she's developed in the last 6-12 months. All this because of the daily stress of having my sister over there and my mom not able to deal effectively with it. Is it any wonder that I'm pissed off at my sister? I know, it's up to my mom to put the boundaries down but she didn't do that with her psycho mom for the first half of her life so why do I expect her to do that with her own daughter for the last half of her life? Unfortunately, my head understands it but my anger still grows. So it's off to the gym to take care of myself and get the stress out. However, I do have to call my mom to check on her while I'm on the treadmill so I won't get all the stress out. The good thing is that today I'm having lunch with a close guy friend with whom I can just let it all hang out and I'm looking forward to that. We always have a good time so any residual crap hanging around from the phone call should get taken care of with the lunch.

Whew!

Before I get to the reason my post is titled "Whew!", I wanted to give an update to yesterday's post since things weren't sounding very peachy in the morning. After we all went to the gym, V. and I discussed the things that needed to be done in the afternoon, namely getting the refrigerator and picking up some odds and ends at the grocery store. V. came up with him taking I. to the store while I took care of the refrigerator which I appreciated. Thank goodness that's how we did things because the refrigerator turned into this 1.5 hour long torturous process but ended successfully, at least I hope so. Until it gets delivered next Monday and I can send in the rebate form knowing that the money is still available, I won't breathe easily. But I am excited I have to admit.

It is funny though because after thinking about it, this is like chapter 3 in the book of "My Life Since Becoming a Mother". Chapter 2 was needing another bedroom and moving into a 3 bedroom home. Chapter 2 was having to get rid of my sporty little race car for a SUV when I could no longer wildly swing the detachable car seat into that small backseat. Now, Chapter 3 is that I need a bigger refrigerator. It's something I've been saying for almost 2 years but a week from today, I will get my Married With Kids refrigerator. Who knows what Chapter 4 holds?

The "Whew" part is that today I had an eye appointment. I haven't had an eye exam since I had Lasik surgery 10 years ago. Not very smart I know but I kept thinking, "I can still see perfectly so why should I go?" Well, in the last 2 months, my vision seems fine except that when I've been reading, a certain part of the page out of my left eye looks kind of filmy. It's been driving me nuts and then started worrying me. I mentioned this to V. a couple of nights ago and he pops off with some comment that I must be getting cataracts. WTF?! What am I, 80 years old? But then I remembered that a friend of mine probably about 8 years ago told me she had macular degeneration and she would have been about 45 at the time so I started freaking out.

So I went to the eye doctor this afternoon and after all the tests and the exam she had good news for me. First of all, I still have 20/20 vision not only at a distance but up close too. So take that - I may have just turned 40 but my upclose vision is perfect and I didn't have Lasik for that - that's au naturale baby! What's going on with my left eye is that I have an astigmatism in it which according to the doctor is pretty common with people who have had Lasik because their corneas have been cut in the past. The only thing I need is a pair of glasses when I read, clear glass on the right side and corrective for astigmatism on the left side. I picked out an ultra lightweight, rimless pair and I should be able to read without that filmy spot. That's a big WHEW for me.

Tomorrow morning I've got to load up my 16 year old cat "Cat" and take him to the vet for an all day visit. This is pretty much spur of the moment as I just talked to the vet tonight about him and his issues and I'm hoping two things come out of it. One, that we find the reason why he has been pooping on the carpet with a little blood in the stool (I know, TMI) for the last few weeks and what the solution is. Two, that he gets a clean bill of health and that there isn't anything wrong with him. Poor cat is so gnarly at the vet, which is why he hasn't gone for so long, that they're going to have to put him completely under to do everything they want to do. He's so gnarly that he has notes in his file, like straight out of a Seinfeld episode, that he "strikes". I laugh when the vet said that because that sounds so much nicer than what he actually did which was hiss, spit, bite, yowl, and basically freak the hell out. It was beyond wild to say the least. The good thing is that the vet is the same one that I've been through many years of experimentation with Fuzzy's allergy problems so we have a great working relationship and know exactly what needs to be said. Bottom line though is that I want to be able to say tomorrow night "Whew!" about Cat too because despite our rough start 9 years ago, I am the only one he is lovey dovey with and he really is my handsome boy. Fingers crossed...

Two in A Row - Can You Believe It?

Weekend 2 of masquarading as a semi-normal family. I didn't have time to post yesterday morning because we had tickets to the morning Elmo show. I. sat there intently focused on the show the whole time and V. and I enjoyed watching her face throughout the show. The show itself was really well done. The Sesame Street shows of our day would not be tolerated these days even though we loved them back in the day. These days even the Sesame Street shows have a Cirque de Soleil/Las Vegas production feel to it. I guess with all the competition on the television, in the movies, and on the Web, they felt they had to step it up a notch to keep the kids impressed. Sad, but that's reality.

We enjoyed lunch in Old Town and then went in search of a refrigerator. I am SO behind the curve on this rebate subject but am determined not to miss the boat. I've been saying for 2 years that our refrigerator is too small. With the amount of food that I. eats and the millions of little containers full of leftovers for her future meals, the refrigerator is so crowded. Things get pushed to the back of the refrigerator never to be seen again until I peer all the way back there and see something indescribeable and typically green. And don't even get me started on the freezer - it's small and inefficient with just 2 shelves. With the rebate, we could get exactly what we need for 51% less. Yesterday, we had no luck so I'm off this afternoon to see if I can have some success. Hopefully, V. will play a little with I. while I am gone since that continues to be a problem. I'm not going to comment on that right now though.

Yesterday was really nice, today not as much due to various things. Who knows, maybe we will pull it out by the end of the day. There's always hope, right?

Surprise Visitor

No, it's not good ole Aunt Flo though I know the title sounded like it. Come to think of that, that's a whole 'nother story. Anyways, when we called V. yesterday around 3:30, the background noise it sounded like he was at the airport. Bingo! He forgot until he got an automated reminder that he was coming home Thursday night instead of Friday night. He got in around 9, we watched some American Idol and I had a man sleeping in my bed. With his travelling schedule the last 2+ years, it feels like MY bed instead of our bed.

Today should be a productive day and better yet, I won't be the one doing the labor. The handyman is coming, the handyman is coming. All I had to do is make a list in order of importance of what needs to be done. The first thing on that doggone list is fixing our bedroom door so that it will close properly and I won't have to barricade that stupid thing against the cats every stinking night. Looking forward to simply closing the door tonight and going to bed...it's the simple things in life.

Still Recovering

Time for a short post only. This morning I feel like I have an emotional hangover, not helped by the fact that I had a dream that my mom was in labor and she was crying and screaming while I stood helplessly by the bed watching. Yeah, thanks so much Subconscious, that was ever so helpful. I did try hoisting myself out of the pit in the afternoon with a much needed haircut and a steaming bowl of soup for lunch accompanied by a magazine. And it did help until we walked in the door after school and there was a steaming pile of diarrhea under the kitchen table. This after I already had picked up a well-formed dump on the carpet from the other cat in the morning. There's just something about it being under the kitchen table that pisses me off. Talk about insult to injury. Well, that kind of put me back in the pit and I didn't climb out of it. In fact, I was too tired to fight against it and as soon as I. went to bed at 5pm, I took a shower and got in my PJs. The best thing about the night was the intermittent rain and hail storms.

Nothing spectacular going on today, parent/teacher conference this afternoon. Yes, they have those for preschool these days. Luckily, my child is the type who make these fun to attend because I know I'll hear how fantastic and kind she is and what mother ever gets tired of hearing that. Let's hope for a better today!

Mood Hijacking

You wanna know how you can go from feeling content and happy to annoyed and really bummed out all in one short hour? You call my mom for the weekly check-in phone call and listen to her non-stop hour long monologue filled with meaningless, countless details of stories about my sister and brother. Stories that my mom labels as "funny" when in reality, they are perfect examples of how ill equipped both of them are to independently function in life. Stories that illustrate what happens when you constantly rescue your child from any and all consequences of their poor actions. And she wonders out loud why they don't learn the lessons and stop the behavior. I've only been a mother for 4+ years and even I have figured that one out.

You know, I'm sorry, I just don't find it funny anymore. It's like a broken record and not only am I tired of it, I'm tired of ME paying the consequences. Like not being able to see my parents during the week, during the daytime hours - the only hours I can see them because I HAVE A YOUNG CHILD IN MY HOUSE. They don't, but they act like they do and that is beyond annoying to me.

So I told my mom that the stories weren't funny to me because they were just going to be another thing that was going to be stressing her out down the road because she keeps bailing him out and solving all his problems for him. I could tell she blew me off because she just changed the topic to move on to when was V. going to not be home for the weekend so that we could see each other. Because, as stated before, they can only visit with me and I. on the weekends because of my 26 year old deadbeat loser of a sister. So just as soon as I finally have my hubby back a little, they want to know when he's going to be gone so they can visit. That's beyond stupid and pisses me off.

After an hour that seemed like two, I had to go get I. out of the gym's kid center so I was able to terminate the conversation. Did my mom ask anything about I. or my life? How was our weekend? What did we do as a family? How are things going? Nope, not one fucking thing.

And that's how a mood gets hijacked. Now the hard part is getting it back to where it was before. I'll let you know if I discover any helpful hints on that along the way.

Stormy Morning

Just a second ago, there was blue skies overhead but now the huge dark thundercloud that was looming in the distance has moved over our house and it is now very dark in here. I like it though I'll be rethinking that logic when I'm driving among the amateurs (you know, the ones that still go 80 mph) and getting soaking wet lugging I. in and out of the car. But for now, I like it.



Yesterday was a day all about parenting. I got to try out a couple of the parenting ideas I've been collecting lately and they worked surprisingly well. The latest one was something that I thought up as a result of reading about how the consequence should be tied to the problem. I knew that, I was just having a hard time to tie something to this year-long potty training. No, I'm not an ogre and am not trying to stress my child out about this topic. But we are in month 11 of this exercise and she's almost 4.5 years old so all it is is your garden variety power struggle. Much of my frustration has been that I'm the only one receiving the consequences, I. could honestly care less. Even if I had her wash them, she would enjoy it so much, it wouldn't be a consequence and I'd have all water mess to clean up. In a moment of brilliance, I figured out a good consequence and levied it yesterday. It went like this:

I. (in a singsong voice): Mommy, my underwear are wet.
Me (in a sad voice): Oh, that's so sad I. because now Mommy will have to work on laundry this afternoon and I was hoping to play with you. Oh well, maybe tomorrow you won't wet your underwear and I'll have time to play with you.

I. was pretty speechless and in the afternoon when we had some time to play, I went upstairs and folded her laundry and got another load going while she played downstairs. I was very happy with that whole episode and will be interested in seeing how it plays out in the future.

The shots were horrible and the very worst part of being a mommy. Everything was fine until it was time to get on my lap and then all hell broke loose. I ended up having to put her legs in between mine to keep them from kicking and wrap my arms around her like a straitjacket to keep her from flailing. All the while, I. is screaming at the top of her lungs and crying like a banshee. I don't have to tell you that those shots really hurt because she was so tensed up and still moving around. I was just glad that the needles didn't break off, that's how bad it was. I think that's it for shots for awhile, at least I hope so. I need a long recovery time from this one plus time to up my upper body strength training at the gym because I'm gonna need it next time.

A Non-Mayhem Morning

I'm sitting here thinking, "Wow, this morning has been really smooth and relaxing so far." Is this the calm before the storm? Probably but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it.

What goes into a non-mayhem morning, you ask? Well, first of all you're not woken up out of a deep sleep by loud sobbing and "BABY BEAR" being screamed over and over again so loud that the house is shaking. That's a good start. Then when you go downstairs, you find out that the cats did NOT for once conspire to piss you off first thing in the morning. There was no throwup or shit on the carpet for me to clean up - hallelujah. Next, when the one hour of allowed tv time was up, there was not whining and generally disagreeable behavior coming from I. Every morning I've been working on this with her and I think she finally caught on. When the hour is up, I tell her to choose between the kids' music channel or turning it off. The last 4 days she says she won't choose so I get up and make the choice for her. So today the inevitable moment arrived, I gave her the choice and without any more dialogue, she chose the music channel and started playing. I must say, the planets lined up for that one.

So that's what goes into a non-mayhem day. This afternoon, I. has to return to the doctor for 2 more vaccinations, something neither of us is thrilled about. Her, because of the obvious pain. Me, because I have to perform the worst parenting task there is - holding your child down while they get the shot. She's so strong now, it's not enough to just hold her. It's really awful how some of the parenting things we have to do to protect our children hurt our hearts so much while we do them. Hopefully the frozen yogurt afterwards will ease our pain.

The Small Things

There's something about eating homemade bread and drinking a good cup of java (thanks to the hubby) in the morning. It's just one of those little things that feeds my soul and makes me thankful that I'm not already in an office dealing with petty adult problems after battling rush hour morning traffic. Aahh...now to keep this moment going throughout the day, that's the real trick.

Yesterday was a good day. I even got a 10 minute break when V. took I. out on her trike to get the mail. This of course was after I noted that I had not gotten a break from "my job" all weekend unlike him. I think this comment made V. remember a recent conversation about what foreplay is for me, namely a short break during the day. Well, whatever it was, the result was that I had 10 minutes that I sat out on our newly cleaned patio with a magazine and enjoyed the cool breeze. It was just enough to bolster my energies and patience level and make it through the rest of the day. It's always the little things, isn't it?

And yes, V. did receive positive reinforcement for providing me with a break. I learned all about that from The Dog Whisperer.

Masquerading As a Semi-Normal Family

Yesterday we almost appeared like a normal family for the first time in 2 years. I added "semi" because we all are a little strange. I. went out on the patio and helped V. with cleaning it off which gave me a chance to do 3 tasks that have been hanging around for 6-9 months. Those little tasks that slowly accumulate but by the end of the day, you just don't have it in you to do them. Well, I finally did and it feels great. After resttime, we went out for our early dinner and that was fun too. Unfortunately due to the ice cream I. had for dessert, she had a hard time settling down and didn't fall asleep until 1.5 hours later. I can already see the difference in attitude but hopefully things should be okay today.

Now we're getting ready to go to the gym after a yummy breakfast of buckwheat pancakes and eggs. V. actually played a game with I. this morning and after resttime, I. and I will be making some banana bread to use up those ugly bananas on the counter. Sounds like another semi-normal family day in the making; we'll just have to wait and see.

Happiness Is...

...getting to sleep in 'til and 8:30am.

...looking over at the couch and seeing I. snuggling up to V. while she watches Miss Spider's SunnyPatch.

...knowing that today is an empty slate for us to write upon. The girls aren't coming down so V. doesn't have to be driving either mornings.

...talking to V. about just staying home until our early 3pm dinner and getting those pesky house things done (ie. cleaning off the patio, cleaning the ceiling fan). It just feels like what normal family life should look like to me and I certainly don't get that enough.

...having lots of ripe bananas to make some yummy banana bread.

...I. falling asleep within 5 minutes after I put her to bed last night. That means she got 13 hours of sleep which usually translates into a smooth day.

...watching I. torture V. with all the evil things she thinks up. For instance, what could be better than grinding your chin into the top of Daddy's head? An ear lick, maybe? It's like a one two punch.

...the coffee V. makes for me. I try and try all week to replicate it but just can't quite get it. His coffee is perfect - full of flavor but not too strong.

That's it for today. I've got to get things moving along or I. will start getting funky and V. will start getting even more sleepy than he already is. On the weekends, I seem to have an additional job added to my job description, that of a facilitator. A weekend facilitator because if there wasn't, it would be Sunday evening and we'd be sitting there going, "Where did the weekend go? We didn't do anything and didn't get anything done and now it's back to the workweek." It's an important job, the weekend facilitator - don't you ever forget it!

Time Off For Good Behavior

Yesterday I got 4.5 hours off in the middle of the day to just be me and it was nice, I have to admit. Yes I missed I. and yes I am quite aware that the days when she's in school all day 5 days a week is just around the corner and that I will very much miss these days. That being said, it was nice to get a break in the middle of the day without having to beg, plead, or demand coverage just to get a few hours to myself during the day, which is usually what it amounts to.

I picked up a bouquet and took it over to my grandfather's gravesite for his birthday. Now post-Mark, cemetaries don't have the same feeling as they did before. I used to like walking around cemetaries looking at the markers, wondering about people. I know, I'm weird like that. But now, I go to one and it tugs HARD on that scab and it hurts.

After that I wandered around Kohl's for a short time, picking up birthday gifts for tomorrow's party, socks for I. and I (I always need these and never remember to get some), and some flipflops for me since I lost mine at the beach a month ago. It was relaxing to just wander, not worrying about potty breaks, not hearing how boring this is and CAN WE GO NOW?? I went home, had a nice quiet lunch and then it was off to the dentist.

I warned the evil hygienist that if she didn't declare my mouth to be in pristine condition, I may as well have my teeth pulled with the amount of work I've put in the past 3 months. I think it's amounted to a part-time job or at the very least, a labor intensive science experiment. Well, all that hard work did pay off because she was very happy with my gums and was even a little nice to me. So I'm out of trouble at least until my next visit in 4 months. Now to just keep up this level of care, that's a whole 'nother thing.

The last thing that I FINALLY took care of was calling a handyman to get some repairs done around the house. I've been putting it off calling since December. That's when the silverware drawer decided to dislodge itself and has been sitting on the ground in the dining room. It's embarrassing to admit that but with V. being gone and me juggling everything, it just became the ball that dropped. But no more because next Friday, he will be here to fix it. One of the other things I'm going to have him fix is to get my bedroom door to close (just a minor thing) so that I don't have to barricade the door every night to keep those doggone cats out in the morning. I can't imagine going to bed without having to "construct" the barricade - that'll be so nice!

Off to the gym and this afternoon is a kids' birthday party. I. went to sleep 2 hours late again last night so we'll see how well she holds things together today. I can usually spot the swirling water (ie. a flushing toilet) around 10ish, giving me a good indication of how many deep breaths I will be taking during the day. Fingers crossed.

Rude Awakening

After my "balls to the wall" day yesterday and the knowledge that I have many more of those in the next 2 weeks, I shouldn't have been surprised that my brain translated the chaos into a slew of unpleasant dreams last night. Dreams that involved me on the back of a motorcycle going too fast, almost slipping off at every turn on a dark, traffic-filled road. Dreams of somebody asking me why I was upset and me replying, "Because Mark just died last week." It took me awhile to fall asleep after that one but I finally did only to be woken up by I. crying and sobbing at the top of her lungs, screaming "Baby Bear!" He had the audacity to fall out of her bed out of her reach and though there are 20 other stuffed animals for her to play with, Baby Bear is her special lovey so there was no consoling her. Of course, some of this reaction I suspect is due to I. falling asleep last night. The combination of the class stuffed animal going home with us and her excitement about the special "camp" she's going to this morning before class didn't help in that regard.

I know all this but honestly after those dreams and the fact that it was too early, I went in there, took her diaper off and told her to read books for a little while until I came back in. Then I climbed back in bed to try to recreate a more relaxed and leisurely version of waking up. Even with the cats stomping all of the bed (and me) with their demands of breakfast, I was able to pull it off after 20 minutes and got up less grumpy.

Today is not as hectic but still busy. After I drop I. off at her camp this morning, I've got to go find a birthday present for a party tomorrow and pick up some flowers for my grandfather's grave (his birthday is tomorrow). Then home to make some phone calls and have a peaceful lunch (looking forward to that!) and then off to the dentist before picking I. up at preschool. That dentist appointment had better go REALLY well considering the amount of work I've been putting in. If they still say there are gum issues, I'm going to be so pissed off. To complicate things, the corner of my mouth split open yesterday and it's painful to open my mouth even a little bit, let alone all the way like the evil dental tech requires. So it should be interesting. As though I needed anything else to dread besides just the dental appointment itself!

Random Wednesday Morning Thoughts

Yesterday turned out to be a good day, an exceptional day in some ways. First, let it be said that I. got good sleep the night before which always bodes well the next day. Which is why I am such a sleep nazi. Yeah, that's right I said it. I am very protective of her sleep because the next day I will be dealing with either the Angel I. or the Devil I. Let's look at some of the differences:

Angel I. rolls with the punches, is cheerful, happy, funny, does not talk back, whines very little, makes things for her mommy all morning, gives physical and verbal affection to her mommy all day, cleans her room all by herself without any prompting from me just to make her mommy smile!

Devil I. doesn't want to do anything we have planned for the day and verbally lets me know, talks back about everything under the sun, has a negative, bad attitude, throws tantrums, and when she is really out of control angry at me has been known to spit in my face.

Need I explain more as to why one of my top 3 daily priorities is getting I. in bed on time? So for all the people around me who shake their heads, roll their eyes, and wonder aloud how I am depriving I. of organized activities in the late afternoon - BITE ME! I suspect that getting spat at in her face would cure all your head shaking real quick!

Back to my original point of how I.'s good night of sleep led to an exceptional day...we went to the Wild Animal Park and had a great time together. Beautiful, cool weather, we walked (well I walked, she rode) and talked as we had lunch, fed the lorikeets and deer, saw the baby elephant born the night before, and enjoyed the butterfly exhibit. Even with all that fun, it was a productive day complete with grocery store shopping and getting all the laundry folded and away instead of it sitting in the basket taunting me for several days.

Good thing it was a relaxing day yesterday because today is a "balls to the wall" kind of day as I delicately put it. Run to the gym this morning, get home, make lunch, get I. to preschool, go directly to physical therapy, make a business call in the car before picking I. up, then to the chiropractor (I'm old okay?), home to make I.'s dinner, bath, bed, and then the big C-O-L-L-A-P-S-E.

At least I know that dinner is taken care of since I'm eating through the leftovers in the fridge and freezer. I know that doesn't sound particularly appetizing but they all taste good, I don't have to cook anything, and I'm making room in the fridge and freezer. Plus, think of all that money I'm saving. Almost pays for the Absolut bottles in the freezer....

Can I Do It?

That is, can I really make a concerted effort to try to post more often? I think if I am going to do it, it's going to have to be done in the morning before the day's events and struggles pulls me down into the "I don't have anything to say" hole that I find myself digging out of at the end of the day more often than not.

So I'm going to try. Today I. and I are headed to the Wild Animal Park to enjoy a butterfly garden exhibit. I purposely waited for this week because all the kids should be back in school. It's no fun when it's a madhouse. Even the weather cooperated today - it's going to be about 65 degrees which is perfect for this place. That means the bee problem that erupts during the heat should be gone too. When I told her we were going to see the butterflies, I. said, "Like we went to before?" meaning when we went to the Palm Desert Zoo butterfly exhibit when she and I went on New Year's Day. The significance of this? She remembers things, she has memories that will stay with her for the rest of her life and I am part of those memories. Now how can I turn something so simple into something morbid? Well, here's how: I know now that if something were to happen to me, she would have memories of me, of us, of the fun things we did, and the love and affection we shared.

It makes me smile and my heart and mind rest a little easier knowing this fact. Here's to a good day!

A Convergence of Mark

Ok so I lied when I said I had a couple of posts coming to you because after that initial one, I just clammed up. I attribute that to a lot of things building up in my mind, clammoring for attention and it blocked everything that came to mind.

Even now, as soon as I started writing this, the sweet girl cat squatted under the kitchen table and had diarrhea which obviously necessitated me stopping and cleaning it up. It's a conspiracy of many different things - thoughts, animals, people, stresses, exhaustion that have kept me from blogging lately. Parenting since the time change haas been tough but I'm hoping that I have discovered some solutions/tools that will help navigate that. I had 2 family events to attend on back to back weekends which always exhausts my emotional energy bank though they went as drama-free as I could hope. V. has been gone the past month during the weekdays, home on the weekends. Much easier to stay on the same page but trying to get him integrated fully on the weekends as Daddy and Hubby has been hard.

Lately, Mark has been on mind again. I thought after my birthday, thoughts of Mark would calm down but not really. I've been having dreams since then as though I was still working in that stressful work situation and of course, Mark was a big part of my work life. The parts he's in aren't bad, rather he's the support, the love, the friendship part of the situation. I was on Facebook the other night and Mark's sister messaged me and we had a conversation about how we were doing, how we both missed Mark, and how we wished his parents could see his son. She said how she was glad that I was in touch with her parents because it helped them. We "talked" about how her mom wanted to know more about Mark and felt that I was the person to tell her about him and she (Mark's sister) said it would help her mom and that she would like to be there for the lunch/discussion. She ended the conversation with a comment that she and her family loved and respected me very much because of my relationship with Mark. I'm going to call his mom this week and set up that lunch.

This past week, I keep hearing songs that were playing over and over again during those last hospice days at Mark's parents' house. We picked out Mark's favorite CD's and had them on continuous play for his last 3 days and while I don't know the names of more than 3 of those songs, when they come on my radio, I am instantly transported to those 3 days. The emotions, the loss, the sadness, the tragedy, the ripping out of my soul watching my close friend slowly die.

Then this afternoon while I. was in the bath, out of the blue (I haven't talked about Mark for awhile): "Mommy, are you still sad about Mark being dead?" Who knows what made her think of that. But it was weird that I've been having dreams about Mark and interaction with his family, and then she asks about him.

It makes it hard to blog with these swirling thoughts and emotions. Many times I want to blog but by the time I get done attending to my responsibilities, I'm a blank slate both mentally and emotionally until I have a short break to recharge and usually by then, I'm physically exhausted.

Can anyone else understand this?

A Couple of Posts Coming At You

First of a couple, or maybe a few, posts all tackling various topics. First post, why don't we women tell each other what's coming? Why don't we talk freely about peri-menopause and menopause itself? Not that I'm experiencing these states right now, but I've been hearing about famous people talking about this and I think to myself, "Why is this the first time I've heard about these things, outside of hot flashes?"

It makes me think of how NOBODY tells you how the first 12 weeks with a new baby can be soul wrenching, especially for a first child. The first 2 weeks all they do is sleep and you're stressing how to wake them up to get enough nutrition in them and then the next 10 weeks is how the heck can you get them to stop crying and sleep in between the 2 hour feedings? Add on top of this the fact that noone tells you that you will look 6 months' pregnant and alot less firm being wheeled out of the hospital after you give birth. Another dark, dirty secret that needs to be told ahead of time.

So now on the other side of procreation, why doesn't every woman share the info about what you can expect and how you can deal with it? This is quality of life info that every woman should know. Do I really have to watch Suzanne Somers and Raquel Welch on Oprah to know what I should expect in the next 20 years? I'd rather know from someone in my own financial range what was upcoming and the best way to approach it. I know I'm not going to be able to have radical surgeries or reconstructions but what can I honestly do at the gym, dietary-wise, and for superficial treatments to look my best in the next 2 decades?

Let's stop competing with each other and keeping the secrets. It's time to share the knowledge and start becoming a team.