Culmination of Events

It wasn't that today was a bad day, my psyche just feels like it was. Mainly, it was just a culmination of things that ended me up not feeling great by the end of the day. We went to a playdate this morning which was a good thing because we haven't been able to for awhile. The only bad thing is that that meant I couldn't go to the gym for the second day in a row. I'm already feeling slightly disgusted with myself so not going to the gym does not help.

Right before we left the playdate, I. got her hand accidently slammed in the patio door and seeing her in pain and knowing how much that had to hurt kind of wiped me out. It also caused us to leave later than I wanted to and we ended up racing home to make it for a 1pm appointment at our house. On top of this, my lunch was basically whatever I grazed on at the playdate and after a month of eating for energy, this kind of "lunch" made my energy level dip to nothing and I had a headache. The appointment lasted longer than I expected so we only had 30 minutes to rest before we had to go to a doctor's appointment for this painful mouth condition I've had 3 times in the last 6 weeks.

I got up from the rest time still tired, headachy, and irritable and we headed to the doctor's office. They want to weigh me and I'm really not in the mood for it. Especially when their scale shows me about 5 lbs. more than the scale at the gym - WTF?! Now I'm really pissed off and then the nurse practioner says to just get some OTC remedy to fix this - I paid $25 for this?

Then Mark's guy friend, Brian, leaves a message that he talked to Jodi earlier this week and that the headstone is installed but that he was not allowed to tell anyone until today because yesterday was their wedding anniversary and she didn't want anybody else there. Okay, understood but it still reeks of control issues and that irritated me. He also mentioned that the conversation included a lot of anger about Mark's family which ticks me off still. I've been struggling with the fact that I haven't called Jodi and seen how she was and I've felt guilty about it. But the fact remains that I don't want to give Jodi the opportunity to try to use me as a tool or weapon against Mark's family and I don't want to hear her anger and hatred towards them. I have enough of the negativity from my own family, I don't need it additionally from someone else's family.

But the fact remains that I feel as though I'm letting Mark down and letting his son down in some way. Hopefully Brian and I can talk sometime next week and I can get the full scoop on his conversation with Jodi and then maybe I can gauge things a little better. Really, the bottom line of today is that Mark's not alive. While I'm glad his headstone is finally there to honor him, I wish I could look up across a room or just right next to me and see his warm, supportive smile and hear that chuckle that I've heard so often. We were really a good team, Mark and I, and I miss him so much.