Tired today. Some of it is due to D. waking up at 4:50am, some of it is left over from last week. A lot was going on. Long story short, my mom had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion after losing so much blood due to female issues that she couldn't catch her breath, her heart was racing and she felt faint. She waited far too long and could have died if she had waited much longer. She was scheduled last week for a procedure that should stop the bleeding permanently but after the doctor got in there, she didn't like what she saw, took a biopsy, and ended the procedure. Last week was spent worrying that the biopsy would come back as cancerous and also dealing with the fact that regardless, my mom would have to have at the very least her uterus removed.
Thankfully the test came back negative and I was able to find some good information about the latest in hysterectomies, a robotic device that reduces recovery time and blood loss. My mom was thankful for the info and this week will be calling to make an appointment to go to one of the doctors who performs it. I'm going to try to attend just to help with asking questions. Unfortunately, the other phone call my mom has to make is to the insurance company to find out how much they will cover. Of course, with my dad being out of work for a year now, finances are a huge concern. They are already worried about the bill coming for the ER visit and transfusion and now if they have to cover even a percentage of the surgery itself, it may be sizable. My mom wants to put it off if possible until my dad gets a job which is not a good idea since if she starts bleeding badly, she'll be back in for a transfusion and forced to get the surgery.
V. and I are not rolling in the dough over here with two monthly child support payments and private tuition on one salary. However, what is the health of my mom and having her around worth? It's priceless of course. So yesterday I brought up their thinking about the postponement of the surgery due to the money and asked V. what he thought about helping them take care of the bill. Without blinking, he said, "How could we not?" For all of his "backward" emotions at times, he is unfailingly generous and I love him for it.
Speaking of "backward" emotions, I left out most of mine in this post. Part of me is still emotionally spent from last week and I can't delve into those emotions deeply; my reserves just feel depleted still. Suffice it to say that last week brought up memories and emotions that I hadn't felt since Mark - the fear, sadness, loss, the chaotic feeling of not being able to do anything and the frustration and anger that results from all of these things. I was wiped out on Saturday and now today with too little sleep, it weighs down on me like an emotional hangover.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Heck of A Good Valentine's Day
Not only a heck of a good Valentine's Day, I think that this year may have been the best one yet. And I only had to wait 41 years for it. But it was well worth it.
In my teenage years, Valentine's was just another day. When I got engaged and married the first time, it usually was a day preceded by arguments and no matter what the plans were, there was an underlying feeling of disappointment. Then I became divorced and single again and Valentine's became the dreaded holiday; the one where everyone else received flowers at work and had great plans and mine involved just ignoring it and making it through. I developed a bitterness of sort towards it but once I. married V., we acknowledged it but didn't turn it into a real big deal, more of a nod. A nod involving us getting cards for one another and V. getting me flowers, which I have to admit I enjoyed a lot.
This year I.'s school celebrated Father's Day on Valentine's Day since they will be out of school for Father's Day. V. and I showed up at 11:30 and enjoyed a touching singing program by the kids followed by a box lunch that he and I. shared. Then there was time afterwards he and I. to play together on the playground which was a real treat. For dinner, I reserved a special dinner that I only had to pick up and reheat so after the kids went to bed we enjoyed a wonderful candlelight dinner with wine from our honeymoon days and sharing of cards from one another as well as a bunch from I. And V. brought me some really nice flowers too.
It was funny to look back at my expectations of Valentine's past and the disappointment it usually led to. This year I had no expectations and watching I. and V. play together happily as I held our baby boy gave me the best feelings of joy, contentedness, and love. These feelings spilled over into excitement that I had a nice dinner arranged at home for us and that V. was going to be home to share it.
Is my life perfect? No, I wish V. had a more "normal" job where he left at 7 in the morning, got home close to 5 every night, had less travel, and didn't have work on the weekends that made him get up at 5am. That being said, my life is great, really doggone great right now. I may not feel like that initially at 4am when some days I'm woken up from a deep sleep to start the day, but by 6:30 after nursing and a lot of snuggling, I'm back there. I never thought I'd feel like this, maybe happy yes, but this is several steps beyond happy and I count myself really really lucky.
In my teenage years, Valentine's was just another day. When I got engaged and married the first time, it usually was a day preceded by arguments and no matter what the plans were, there was an underlying feeling of disappointment. Then I became divorced and single again and Valentine's became the dreaded holiday; the one where everyone else received flowers at work and had great plans and mine involved just ignoring it and making it through. I developed a bitterness of sort towards it but once I. married V., we acknowledged it but didn't turn it into a real big deal, more of a nod. A nod involving us getting cards for one another and V. getting me flowers, which I have to admit I enjoyed a lot.
This year I.'s school celebrated Father's Day on Valentine's Day since they will be out of school for Father's Day. V. and I showed up at 11:30 and enjoyed a touching singing program by the kids followed by a box lunch that he and I. shared. Then there was time afterwards he and I. to play together on the playground which was a real treat. For dinner, I reserved a special dinner that I only had to pick up and reheat so after the kids went to bed we enjoyed a wonderful candlelight dinner with wine from our honeymoon days and sharing of cards from one another as well as a bunch from I. And V. brought me some really nice flowers too.
It was funny to look back at my expectations of Valentine's past and the disappointment it usually led to. This year I had no expectations and watching I. and V. play together happily as I held our baby boy gave me the best feelings of joy, contentedness, and love. These feelings spilled over into excitement that I had a nice dinner arranged at home for us and that V. was going to be home to share it.
Is my life perfect? No, I wish V. had a more "normal" job where he left at 7 in the morning, got home close to 5 every night, had less travel, and didn't have work on the weekends that made him get up at 5am. That being said, my life is great, really doggone great right now. I may not feel like that initially at 4am when some days I'm woken up from a deep sleep to start the day, but by 6:30 after nursing and a lot of snuggling, I'm back there. I never thought I'd feel like this, maybe happy yes, but this is several steps beyond happy and I count myself really really lucky.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Long Time No Post
It's been 2 weeks since I last posted due to a combination of computer issues, sickness, and absences. Blogger has decided that it will no longer allow Internet Explorer to open its website and blogs so I have to make a conscience effort each day to utilize Google Chrome to open Blogger. This extra step throws me off and often I don't open it. For the past week, I've been battling a cold thanks to I. and nursing D. literally back to health from the same cold (as well as I. but I haven't been nursing her literally). Also, V. was gone pretty much for the past 2 weeks so I was busy getting the taxes inputted online, getting account reconciliations done, and other mundane, time-consuming projects that I don't feel like doing when he's here.
This morning D. woke up at 4:25am and after nursing him, I discovered that the vibrating sleep aid in his pack and play, the one that helps him fall back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, was out of batteries. Needless to say, it was a bust and so we started our day at 4:25.
One interesting thing of the day was that I received a call from a modeling agency that I sent D.'s pics to. On their website they make it clear that they probably won't call you back so when I got the call, I was surprised and kind of jazzed. They are interested and want more pics as well as his weight, height, and clothing sizes 'cause you know it IS a modelling gig!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I.'s school is celebrating Father's Day on it so V. will be going to I.'s school for a special song performance and lunch with I. I will be going with D. just to capture it on film. She is so excited. I've noticed the last month that I. is really getting attached to V. and missing him more than she ever has. I've alerted V. to it and though he poopoos it, he has been more receptive that when I text him that I. really wants to hear his voice, he makes an effort to call us asap. It is a strange life that we live.
This morning D. woke up at 4:25am and after nursing him, I discovered that the vibrating sleep aid in his pack and play, the one that helps him fall back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, was out of batteries. Needless to say, it was a bust and so we started our day at 4:25.
One interesting thing of the day was that I received a call from a modeling agency that I sent D.'s pics to. On their website they make it clear that they probably won't call you back so when I got the call, I was surprised and kind of jazzed. They are interested and want more pics as well as his weight, height, and clothing sizes 'cause you know it IS a modelling gig!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I.'s school is celebrating Father's Day on it so V. will be going to I.'s school for a special song performance and lunch with I. I will be going with D. just to capture it on film. She is so excited. I've noticed the last month that I. is really getting attached to V. and missing him more than she ever has. I've alerted V. to it and though he poopoos it, he has been more receptive that when I text him that I. really wants to hear his voice, he makes an effort to call us asap. It is a strange life that we live.
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