Wonderous

I just have time to say...

There is truly something magical and wonderous about waking up to the soft bumping and thumping of this little guy inside of me. While I may not particularly enjoy the grinding and hard kicking in my rib cage, waking up and feeling him softly moving around is amazing. The last few nights while I lay down to read before going to sleep, he's been getting the hiccups and it makes me laugh. This rhythmic popping feeling in the middle of quiet relaxation is neat. It makes the rest of the physical hardships worth every minute and makes me once again thankful that I got to experience this miracle not once, but twice.

I'm a lucky woman.

Father's Day Update

I know tomorrow morning is going to be crazy so I thought I'd give a quick update tonight. It was a drama free Father's Day at my parents' house. Whew. My parents actually relaxed and enjoyed themselves, their kids (the two of us there) and their grandchild without worrying. My brother bbq'd the meal and I helped take care of the rest. Wow, is this what a normal family is like? I don't even know but I suspect it is.

Still nothing was said to me. Isn't that weird? So I brought it up with my brother while my parents weren't around because he knew I wrote it and he gave me the scoop. They took my sister to the fair yesterday to "celebrate" Father's Day with her and then she asked about today. They told her that because of the way she acts at events, I wrote a letter saying what I said so she couldn't come. I guess she flipped out and ranted and raved about it.

The bottom line is this and I told my brother this. I have no desire to make her feel bad or kick her out of the family. I only want her to act like a decent human being who doesn't treat everyone like trash and ruin all family memories. I didn't even think she would care and she probably doesn't care for the right reasons. But if this makes her look at herself and how she acts and she can change her behavior, then this will be worth it. Because I do feel bad - not guilty because I've done nothing wrong in this situation but bad because she was upset and sat at home knowing the rest of the family was together. I'm not an ogre but at this point in my life, I don't mind being the bad guy either if it benefits the majority of my family. It's a thing called consequences, a lesson that my parents never let my brother or sister learn and that they drilled into my brain incessantly when I was a kid. It's not a bad lesson to learn early on in life but in my sister's case, maybe it will be a case of better late than never. We'll see.

Father's Day

We're back from vacation and hitting the ground running. Everything is unpacked, put away and one load of laundry washed, dried and waiting for folding. Today is Father's Day and despite my best laid plans, I am going to show up at my parents' house without gifts. Why? Because I ordered them on Amazon and yes, they were delivered. Unfortunately they were delivered by USPS and I had the mail on vacation hold to all be delivered in bulk tomorrow. Yes, my dad's Father's Day gifts for today will be delivered to me tomorrow. So much for thinking that 2 day shipping would automatically mean UPS delivery. I mean, if I want to make sure anybody gets anything within a week, I don't use USPS because it tends to be a crap shoot. Well, I guess they have a "special" agreement with Amazon. I just hope my dad doesn't get hurt by it. I mean he'll say he understands and it's no big deal but he tends to be sensitive about stuff like this. Oh well, I can only control so much in life, right?

V. is taking a nap right now before we head over to my parents' house because that's what he likes to do and it is his Father's Day too. This past week, I could tell he was making an effort to be more involved with I. without too much prodding on my part and I made sure I pointed it out to him and how much I appreciated it. This is not to say that he's standoffish with I. or uninvolved. I think it's a function of not physically being in the girls' lives for most of their lives and working so much during I.'s life. It's not that he doesn't want to be, it's more that he just is out of practice. To see I. thriving and basking in the daily daddy attention made my heart happy.

Believe it or not, still nothing was said about my letter about my sister to my parents. V. asked me yesterday whether she was going to be there tomorrow and I said I assumed (yeah, not good to assume I know) that she wouldn't be even though nothing was said and honestly, the best Father's Day gift for my dad is if she wasn't there.

The next two weeks are a whirlwind of fitting things into an already full schedule. It tires me out to just look at the calendar but I have to say that it is well balanced between necessary things and fun stuff. I'll just have to manage my energy level. The practice contractions are coming more often but I think that's normal. Due to the baby still residing right under my stomach, my appetite has gone way down. I'm eating when I'm hungry but I'm not hungry that often. As a result, over last week's vacation I lost 2 pounds. That's after not gaining any for the preceding 2 weeks. Yes, I'm a little concerned but it's obvious that I and the baby have grown over the last week and I'm taking my vitamins so I think everything is still okay. My OB appointment is this Friday so we'll see if anything is said.

Got to get I.'s presents for Bobbi ready and get us ready for the day. Hopefully, it will be a nice, calm Father's Day!

Part 2: Now the Fun Can Begin

So after my soberer on the side of the tub, I had to suck it up and get I. To bed. As soon as I was done with that, I launched into my frustration with every vacation over the past year and a half being like an exercise of futility and furthermore, I hated this room. Yes, it was a mini nervous breakdown and not the way I envisioned starting our vacation but sometimes, you just have to let disappointment out. I asked V. If he would see if we could change condos, part of me not expecting him to. The reason why I didn't expect him to was that we had just unloaded the entire car up 2 flights of stairs in 100 degree heat and changing condos would mean that we would have to carry everything back down, repack the car, and then unpack and carry everything back up again in this heat. Even I wasn't sure if it was really worth all that.

But as soon as I got in the shower, he called and arranged for us to move condos the next day so that I could have the vacation experience that I and been looking forward to so much. All this for only an extra $100. When he told me it was taken care of, I got all teary eyed and gave him a big hug foe his generosity and kindness. He said if I didn't stop tearing up, he would call them and tell them to cancel it. Have I mentioned how uncomfortable V. Is with emotion? He is a caveman with a soft heart when it comes to me.

Anyways, here I sit on my patio with a golf course view, thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet and being surrounded by nature. I have to admit that I do miss my adult beverage because that has always been a part of this evening patio experience. But feeling the warm breeze on my skin as the grass falls into the shadows and the tops of the palm trees become illuminated by the setting sun, it's soothing to my soul. I can't believe that tomorrow night is already our last night here. It just has gone way to fast. I've been enjoying and savoring the time I've gotten to spend with I. This week and have been busy trying to make memories of this last summer of being the only kid. We've played in the pool together, played video games, colored, and taken baths together in the huge jacuzzi tub. Very special moments to remember and ones that I will make a concerted effort to carve out for us even when this baby boy enters the scene. Today I could see that I. Was enjoying these special moments because she wanted to snuggle with me and a couple of times at the pool, she not only told me I looked beautiful but threw her arms around me and said wi a big hug, "You're the best and sweetest mommy!". How does it get any better than that?

I have to admit that the end of this vacation triggers anxiety in me because I knew when it was over, we would really be on the cusp of this new baby coming. It really scares me to be honest. The extra responsibility, the extra time and energy commitment, the inevitable changes it will bring into our happy little life. I know when I meet this little guy and see the interaction between I. And him, it will be wonderful but it still doesn't keep the anxiety from coming. It's probably just a function of how slowly I adapt to change. At least I hope so.

Off to a Rough Start

Anyone who knows me, knows that the past 1-2 years has been rough when it came to having a truly enjoyable, relaxing vacation. It just seemed like despite all the best laid plans and hope, the trip would in some way involve stress and disappointment. This vacation did not get off to an auspicious start.

Last year in lieu of our traditional week in Palm Desert, we went to Puerto Rico which goes down in my mind as our worst vacation to date. So I've been waiting 2 years to get back to the desert, a place where I have good memories of relaxation and unstructured fun. We got a couple of phone calls from the resort over the past few weeks, asking for checking preferences, condo location preferences, so I had high hopes.

They offered checkin at the gate rather than getting out of the car and I thought "cool!" plus they were letting us chicken early which is always good considering I.'s early bedtime. So I pulled up to the gate - no checkin packet is there for us so off we go to get out of e car and checkin. Uhoh. Then the condo is not ready and since we have $200 worth of groceries in the car and it's 99 degrees, I ask what else they have on a top floor that is ready. Sure they say and off we go. We grab a load of stuff and then discover that the room numbers they gavels are not valid for the building number we are supposedly in. Thank God for cell phones - I call up to the front desk again and get the "real" room numbers which do not remotely resemble the actual room numbers. Huh?

We finally get everything in the units after many trips upstairs in this heat and I get I. Into the bath. I haven't gotten a chance to look outside yet so I go to the window expecting the normal, serene golf course view that I have relished for e past 6 years. I mean, this view is the highlight of the early evening hours for me. I ggo outside with a couple of books, an adult beverage (obviously not this year), and I just relax in the warmth and read. This is my idea of a vacation.

Except when I look outside this year, I see a bunch of people sitting around a pool and an asphalt parking lot. WTF?! I won't repeat what came out of my mouth and kept coming out of my mouth for several minutes. Let's just say it was a good thing that I. Was in the bath. Then I went into the other bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub, and sobbed. Like I said, not an auspicious start.

Part 2 "the redemption" to come...

Last Day of Preschool

Today is my baby girl's last day of preschool...ever. Last year was tempered by the fact that she was going to preschool one more year. But this year, this is it. Thank God her kindergarten is only for 4 hours instead of the normal 6+ or I'd be in tears already. Still, school from this point on until college will be an every day event and the time of having full days to ourselves during the week will be gone. Hopefully I can hold it together this afternoon when all us mommas pile in to class 15 minutes early for the end of the year send-off.

On Monday we took a school friend of I.'s and her mom to Legoland with us using some free passes we had. I. had a good time hanging out with her friend and it definitely helped with some of the long lines we encountered. The mom is actually one of the few people I've met in the last year or two that I feel comfortable with and believe it or not, we talked the whole time about a bunch of different stuff. I know, I was amazed at that myself when I thought back on the day. By the time I got I. in bed, I wasn't feeling all that great - it was physically a long day and I definitely felt the toll of it. But it was worth it and I'm glad we got to go before summer vacation started.

This week is full of prep work for our vacation next week in Palm Desert. I'm excited to be going and hoping that it will be a nice, relaxing family hibernation time and that V. will get enough rest to help with I. when her sisters aren't there. The last couple of weekends, he really has been spending some good time with her one on one and I'm hoping that it will continue through next week. I don't know if this improvement is due to the warning I gave him a few weeks ago about the fact that on the weekends once the baby comes, he's going to have to step up on the help front. It's going to be difficult enough for the weekdays to be 2 on 1 for me; if the weekends start feeling that way, there's going to be serious problems. That's why I issued the warning ahead of time. The girls will be coming out for the last 3-4 days of the vacation (I think). I had to make sure I told V. so that he can warn the girls that I will NOT be sleeping on the pull-out couch in the living room this year. I need a bed, a real bed to sleep in this year so they will not be able to hibernate in the king size bed(room) until 9:30/10 every morning. They may have to get up at the unearthly time of 8am. I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page before we get out there.

Reading this over with all these warnings being issued, I kind of sound bitchy. Really though it's a function of being at a point where I need some of that leeway and special treatment afforded to others. I don't really get it offered to me so I have to assertively take it myself.

Going to "talk" (more like listen) to my mom today. We'll see if anything is said about Father's Day plans/the letter I wrote.

Making Memories

Yesterday turned out exactly as I had hoped for - a day of I. and I hand in hand exploring Sea World. I was enjoying all of it, even the fact that she and I could shortcut down the stairs instead of locating an elevator due to a stroller. The simplicity of it all because soon I'll be back in the land of logistics and equipment. Nap schedules, car seats, diapers and the such. I think I'm beginning to see why many people choose to have their kids closer together in age. That way you don't experience the light at the end of the tunnel and then have to go back to the complications of having a baby again. That was just not to be in our family plus we like to do things the hard way it seems. We are very consistent in this fact and in a way it defines us. It's V. and I.'s private joke so at least we get some bonding out of it.

Anyways, just to relish the day a little more. We walked hand and hand, had lunch together, watched the Shamu show with her little hand resting on my leg and her head nestled under my arm, and shared a big kiss at the end of the day. Then we went home, I got her in bed, and collapsed on the couch with a pounding headache. If you're not willing to pay the price, you shouldn't be in the game. The game of motherhood that is.

This morning V. and I. are going to preschool for their Father's Day breakfast of sorts. I. has been looking forward to it for at least 2 weeks and is really excited. I think I'm going to use the time to get a couple of smallish projects done around the house. Those smallish ones that get pushed to the end of the list but nag at you visually on a daily basis. Those projects that I'm just too tired at the end of the day to contemplate starting. If I get really ambitious, I may just wash my hair first and then do the projects while it's drying. Keep in mind, the breakfast is only one hour long so I probably only have a total of one and a half hours to myself. Maybe I'm being too ambitious. Me, too ambitious? Nah....

Random Friday Thoughts

Early this morning I woke up out of a dream and turned over onto my other side in an effect to relieve pain. I was still kind of asleep and thought to myself, "What are those muscle twitches?" It took me some time to realize that those weren't muscle twitches in my belly, the baby was awake and kicking away down there. That was the first time that I forgot that there was a baby in there. It was a strange realization.

This week during our phone conversation, as my mother talked for 15 minutes straight about the strict diet that her and my dad were on, what they were eating, not eating and how many pounds they had lost, I thought to myself, "I am not going to miss not worrying about what I am eating, how many calories, what I shouldn't eat later on as a result of what I just ate and just generally being critical of my body." It's not that I'm eating like a pig or whatever I feel like eating while I've been pregnant. Not at all. It's that I can eat when I'm hungry and not analyze whether it's okay to eat when I'm hungry. It's sitting down and not being immediately aware of any roll of fat hanging over my pants. And as we all know, there's going to be lots of that hanging around after the baby comes. My mother has been on diets her entire life and she looks good. But I don't think that's been a good message for her daughters to have seen. My sister has eating disorders up the butt to complement her general bitchiness and obviously, I have some latent food issues. Makes me want to make sure that the focus of eating in my house is for health, pleasure, and moderation.

I'm planning on taking I. and I to Sea World for the day before the whole tourist season explodes (or I do, whichever comes first). When I told V. last night on the phone, he said, "You can't do that!" I've been so tired lately but there are things I've got to do now in case I can't/don't want to do them next month. Things for just I. and I. A few more memories of just the two of us, hand in hand, exploring. I know I'm going to be really tired tonight but at least it will be more valuable to me than being tired from errands and things on the "to-do" list.

Was That Really Necessary?

My mother knows I'm a worrier by nature. Maybe not so much a worrier in the traditional sense but definitely an overthinker. I ponder things in my mind and sometimes go past that healthy line. Like things I have no control over or things that may or may not happen in the future. You know, like all those things that keep me awake in the middle of the night after getting up to use the bathroom...again. I wish my mind didn't quite work that way but on the positive side, it does help me to make wise decisions with very few past regrets. And if there are past regrets, most of them were due to a conscious choice I made and went into with my eyes wide open.

Anyways, back to my mom knowing how I am. At the end of our conversation this week, she says, "I thought I should tell you now that having 2 kids isn't just twice the amount of work, it's more like three times the amount." Did I really need to be told that? Really?! I mean she knows I'm already stressing about how I'm going to handle two kids mostly on my own so how was her comment helpful? I love my mother but sometimes....grrr. I'll just put that on the list of what not to do with I. when she gets older.

What's funny is that the letter I wrote my parents about the future family events went unmentioned. That actually doesn't surprise me all that much since my parents consistently avoid speaking of negative or uncomfortable things. Much better strategy is to bury your head in the sand and pretend that everything is okay. With Father's Day coming up soon, the topic will obviously be broached so I guess we'll just wait until that happens.