Post Christmas, Pre-Hibernation

I thought I would write before we descend into the no-computer zone up in Idyllwild tomorrow. I'm looking forward to books, magazines, games, and DVDs at night. Of course, V. will have his new prized possession, his iPad, that I surprised him with for Christmas and that should work up there so we/he won't be completely cut off. The beauty of this hibernation is that it's a furlough week, a week without pay, which means that by law his f-up company cannot contact him. I will take that however I can get it. I got 95% of the packing done today so we can get out of here by late morning which is the strategy because as our Idyllwild luck would have it, there is a snowstorm predicted to hit tomorrow around 4pm. We've been there and done that before, the we-can't-reach-our-cabin-oh-shit moment, and for that reason we always stay as close to the beginning edge of town to try to avoid this. But just to be sure, we are going to try to get there at 2pm before the 40mph wind gusts and snow starts. Believe it or not, it's supposed to feel like 7 below zero by midnight tomorrow. It's going to be pretty doggone cold the whole time we're up there but that's how I like it.

Christmas was a mixed bag. Of course it was good with I. and having V. here for the first time in 3 years. Unfortunately my sister pissed me off several times, almost ruined dinner, and ruined my dessert. She did nothing to help all day and after we (my parents and I) spent 3 hours on dinner and it's almost time to sit down, she starts freaking out trying to find her phone, raising her voice loudly as she wandered the house. I. was having a hard time going to sleep so I told her to get out of the house before I. started calling for me a 4th time. At dinner, she proceeded to cut off 5 pieces of meat, a couple of bites of the sides and shove the remainder of the food onto her bread plate which was right next to my mom's plate. The plate looked like a vomit plate, the way everything was heaped up there. To make matters worse, after she finished her 12 bites of food, she started bugging my mom for more meat, specifically rare meat which there wasn't any left. She kept on until I finally told her to stop harping on my mom and to let her eat her food in peace. Such a bitch. Here's the kicker - when dessert, which consisted of 5 different flavors of cakes, was served everybody took 2 pieces and passed it. She took forever to take 3 pieces and then after everyone finally got a turn, she decided without taking one bite, that she wanted pieces of the other 2 that were left. My dad refused to pass it back down to her, saying that if she wanted more after she was done with what she had she could have some. Well, she threw a tantrum and got up, got 2 more pieces telling my dad that he was a control freak, and sat down. I lost it and told her that she should try making a nice dinner for 3 hours only to have someone throw it all on a "vomit plate" and then make a pig of themselves at dessert and see how well she liked it. I honestly wish she would just disappear - I really hate her. I know that may sound awful to say but after this kind of shit from 14-27 years old, I'm sick of it. Sick of how it ruins our holidays and any get togethers. My only solace is that when my parents are gone, I will have NO problem cutting her out of my life. I've been forced to endure this for so long, too long that when I no longer am required to do so, I will stop without any guilt. I've paid my penance.

V. and I had some time to ourselves to relax and have fun which was nice. This past week I've been so exhausted and it's been great having V. to get I. up in the morning and to help with things around the house. Within 30 minutes of waking up, I'm tired and just not feeling good pretty much until 5pm. It's hard for me to deal with. That's what is good about Idyllwild - no expectations of cleaning, taking care of animals, doing laundry, etc. Yes, I'll make meals and entertain I. but mentally being free of the other stuff really will help. I plan on taking walks in the cold mountain air, breathing in the smell of fireplaces burning, and seeing the forest of trees. I'm looking forward to hibernating.

Well, I Lied

No, I'm not ready to post about things yet. I was wrong. Maybe after the New Year when things have possibly settled down a little but not now.

Today was Christmas Eve and it was a nice day. V. took all 3 girls shopping and I lucked out with a last minute massage after a 30 minute walk at a nearby lake. It felt so good. It felt good to feel good. I came home and made some cranberry scones for our next door neighbors who bring our trashcans in almost every week just to be nice. I told the man how much I appreciated it and didn't expect it and he turned red and start giggling while saying "Ah, it's nothing." It was pretty funny and I felt glad that I did it. Then V. and the girls came home, we rested for about an hour and then headed over to Pick Up Stix for an early dinner. In my family, we always had Chinese food on Christmas Eve so this is my way of carrying on the tradition. It was a fun time and boy did that food taste good!

Now, I'm waiting for the two older girls and V. to go to sleep so that I can do stockings but of course, they are not going to sleep. Last night all 3 of them were ready for bed at 8pm but tonight because I want to be in bed by 10, it's 9:30 and everyone is awake. Wait...okay, the girls just said good night so off I go to get their stuff. I guess I'll do V.'s upstairs in our room when I go up there.

A funny aside - our foster cat had to be moved to our bedroom last night since the girls were here. I put her in the walk-in closet when I went to bed and she was great - no noise or crying until I heard some scratching around 7:15 am. I rolled over to see if I could sleep a little longer, heard no noise, but then felt a thump on the bed and thought "What the heck?" Open my eyes to see that crazy cat sitting on the bed looking at me. Turns out I should add "smart" to her personality description because she figured out how to turn that doorknob and get out!

Holiday Plans

I know, I know, I haven't been posting regularly again. It's not because nothing is going on because everything is going on. It's just that I haven't been ready to post about it. It's one thing to have it on my mind every friggin' minute of the day but to see it in print. Well, that takes a whole 'nother level of coping that I haven't had in my emotional reserves. One step at a time... This morning though I will have to acknowledge things head on, I will have no choice. With this acknowledgement, I think I'll be ready to post about everything. At least I think so, we'll see.

The girls will be arriving tonight with V. to stay through Christmas morning. Tomorrow V. is going to take all 3 of them shopping for me so I'll have some alone time for myself. Probably not for a long period of time but it'll be something. I need to get to the gym tomorrow since it's been crowded out this week (except Tuesday) by things that needed to happen before Christmas.

I'm looking forward to Christmas, the day after Christmas when V. and I will open our presents to each other, and have a date night to ourselves. Then next week we'll be off to Idyllwild for our get away and I am looking forward to it as it gets closer. We have so many good, funny memories of past trips that we reminisce about on the trip up, trips before and after I. I remember that first trip with I. She was all of a month and a half. I remember running between her room and our room 3 times a night to nurse her. I was tired but made it through the day by the sheer joy and wonder of having her. Beautiful memories. This year, I think I. and I will take a hike each afternoon and discover things. Our cabin is supposed to be near one of the famous hiking trails so that should work out nicely. Spending time relaxing and discovering with I. and then evenings spending time relaxing and hanging out with V. Life doesn't get better than that.

A Rare Moment

It's Saturday morning 9:45 and I'm sitting downstairs at the computer by myself. Wow! After being the sole person on parenting duty 24/7 for the last 21 days, it's a real treat to have a moment during the daytime to myself. A moment when I don't feel like I should be doing something else instead. A moment when I can hear myself think, I can enjoy the Christmas music but above all, enjoy all this without feeling alone. Much of the time that I can hear myself think is because I'm alone so it's a bittersweet enjoyment of sorts. But this morning, I can hear I. and V. upstairs in the bed, V. trying to take another nap and I. pretending to take a nap with him. The best of both worlds - hearing my own voice while still hearing the voices of the ones I love. This doesn't happen very often and I am basking in its sound.

I got to sleep in this morning which I needed oh-so-much. The tradeoff was that V., after sleeping by himself for several weeks, has gotten into a bad habit of flipping over mid-air before slamming his body back down on the bed. Most people just turn over, not V. It's akin to a whale breaching and the by product is that every time he "breaches" and lands back on the mattress, my head is bouncing up and down on the pillow which wakes me up. So, although I got to sleep in, it took me longer to fall asleep and then I felt like I was on a boat until he finally got up this morning.

Today we're off to "Lunch With Santa", something that we (I. and I) went to last year and really enjoyed. That's going to be our only event for the day with naptime for V. before and after the event plus probably most of the evening. The good news is that he will not have to go to San Francisco next week and will be working from San Diego and LA so at least he'll be home at night. Tonight will be a discussion of important things to come so that we will finally be on the same page. I won't have the stress of being the only one dealing with future knowledge and I'm hoping that may help with feeling overwhelmed. We'll see how it goes - I'm hoping for the best.

Bone Tired

Today was busy and productive with some high points but right now, I am bone tired. My back is aching up a storm and I've had a headache for the last 5 hours. However, I got all my wrapping finished tonight except for I.'s Santa gift and one of the girls present which is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I also got the rest of the stocking stuffers purchased for the family today. I don't know about you but the stocking stuffers give me the most stress until I actually find them. This year it was a combination of Bath and Body Works, Michael's and Target to complete the task.

I went from dropping I. off at her science camp at 10:30 at her preschool, went to the gym, stopped off at the post office to mail a present, went to Target, and then straight to I.'s preschool to help with Jesus' Birthday Party in her class. Even though I was really tired when I got there, when I walked into her class and I. ran over and through her arms around my legs with a big "Momma!", I forgot my tiredness. At snack time, she saved me a seat right next to her and just kept hugging and kissing me and when it was time to go out on the playground, she still wanted me nearby. That never gets old and I cherish it because I know someday it will change though hopefully not anytime soon. Maybe I'll get really lucky and she'll never hit that stage. I never did with my mom so there is hope.

Hope and Fear

I don't have a happily thereafter story for Media (our foster cat) but there is still hope. She charmed the girl who came to look at her, however, the girl's mom who got her cat from a breeder is not supportive of her daughter getting a rescue cat. She wants the girl to meet with this breeder next weekend to look at her cats. That's frustrating. There are too many cats as there is, with thousands being killed each day, and this woman wants her to go and give business to someone who puts more animals on the earth. If this girl was showing cats, I could understand a little. But she just wants a pet to come home to after work to give love and affection and Media fits the bill perfectly. So, there is hope but I can tell that this mom holds a lot of weight in this girl's life.

Still trying to hold my sanity and household together. It's hard considering all the swirling going on, the uncertainty, the fear, the panic, the worry, the overwhelming-ness of it all. All things considered, I think I'm holding it together pretty well. A lot of deep breaths, repeating of my "everything will be okay" mantra, just keeping focused on the present, and ensuring that I'm going to bed relatively early seem to helping. Part of me thinks things will be better once V. comes home for 2 whole days and part of me is afraid because everything will be real, not just rattling around in my mind and that scares me.

A Christmas Gift for Our Foster Cat

I've got my fingers crossed right now. Last night I got an email that I was cc'd on from the lady who runs the cat adoption agency. The email was from her to a girl who wants to adopt a cat and gave brief details on 4 cats in foster homes who were available for adoption. I decide to take the proverbial bull by the horns and advocate strongly for my foster cat, Media.

I emailed the girl back with pictures of Media and told her how sweet and awesome she was. I was really hoping that I could entice her to come and meet Media and take her home for Christmas so that I didn't have to return her to PetSmart.

This morning there was an email from the girl saying Media sounded great and that she wanted to come and meet her. I'm going to call her from the gym this morning (while I. is still in Kids' Club) and find out when she can come over. I just know that once she meets her and sees how loving Media is, she'll most likely fall in love and want to adopt her. Wouldn't that be a wonderful Christmas gift for Media? That really would make my day/month/year! Talk about making a difference in an animal's life.

Fingers crossed!

Everything Looks Better in the Morning

I slept pretty well considering all the swirling thoughts of last night and the week in general. Of course I did wake up several times in the middle of the night but was able to roll over and go right back to sleep. That's the key to a good night's rest for me - the ability to go right back to sleep since it's inevitable that I will be waking up many, many times during the night.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of hope. Hope that things will work out, hope that things will be okay though right now they are definitely out of my control, hope that I can handle what the future may hold. Sounds like way too much thinking is going on, huh? That's true which is why my mantra has been "It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay." I chant it in my head to calm my mind down and to get it to move on to the here and now.

The here and now consists of homemade french toast for I. and I and shopping for our Christmas tree. It's not the perfect picture since I hoped that V. would be here to share it with us but it's good enough. I think that fact captures my life's struggle - perfect vs. good enough. I was raised (and was inherently born this way) to think that good enough was the same as a failure. Maybe a minor failure but a failure nonetheless. But nothing is ever perfect. Some days come pretty darn close but you know what, some days good enough is pretty damn good taking into account everything going on. I just need to make peace with that.

For now, I'm going to focus on the smell of the Christmas trees as we wander the rows looking for that perfect tree. Or maybe just the good enough tree. Regardless, I'll be with I. making another memory to add to her memory bank, the one that she will keep her whole life. And that my friend, is the definition of perfect.

The Hamster's Running on That Damn Wheel Again

Deep breaths, deep breaths. I keep trying to remind myself of this and to just focus on the present but it's against my nature. My tendency when something happens, may happen, or is going to happen is to automatically start thinking about all the situations, challenges and potential issues that may come up for years down the line.

For important decisions in my life, this is good because when I make a decision, it's well thought out, planned ahead for, and usually is the right one. That's great when things in life follow a linear pattern. What's not so great is when something hits me out of left field, all these potential things start bombarding my brain which causes a lot of anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. That's where I am right now.

To add to all this, V. has been gone since Thanksgiving and these 3 weeks feel more like 3 months. His days have been so stressful and exhausting that some nights, usually the nights that I really could benefit from hearing his voice, he falls asleep and doesn't call me. Like today. He didn't call us this morning, didn't answer his phone this afternoon, and didn't call tonight. The only contact we had was a short text "conversation" when I informed him that we had just been rearended badly.

Yes, you read that correctly. As though anything else needed to land on my plate, I. and I got slammed from behind. We had just left the house to head to Legoland, stopped at a red light in line for the right turn when wham! we got slammed in the back. There wasn't even the sound of brakes and she was coming down the hill so I know she was probably going at least 30 mph. Everything in the car went flying around and by the time we turned the corner to pull into a parking lot, my head was killing me - instant headache. She kind of apologize with a "Sorry, I'm in a hurry and I'm lost" and then proceeded to pull out her cell phone to leave a message with whoever she was supposed to meet with at 10 (it was now 10:15) to call her so that they could reschedule. She hit us so hard that her front license plate was impaled into my bumper until it was flush with it. These were huge 3 inch long screws that went all the way through. Luckily, there were some guys around that I went and asked if they could help pry it off my car so that I could throw it at this career bitch's head. We went straight to the chiropractor's office because my neck, shoulder and back were killing me and I. was complaining of neck and head pain too.

Now on top of everything else, I'm all out of whack and need to go to the chiropractor several times next week just so things don't get worse. Plus, I get the pleasure of dealing with her insurance company, having to schedule in a meeting with her claims adjuster. Plus, price out a new car seat because in CA, if the seat's been in an accident, you're supposed to replace it. All this on top of I.'s Christmas chapel on Tuesday and Thursday I'm helping out in her class for an hour and a half for Jesus' Birthday celebration.

Oh, don't forget that tomorrow we're getting the Christmas tree and I was going to have to "man" that sucker up a flight of stairs and into the house. The good news about that was that I talked today with Terry and he is going to be in the area tomorrow late morning and stop to lug it in for me. Thank God for him - he's gotten me out of a few jams during our friendship.

And the girls' demands were communicated to V. yesterday and were immediately vetoed. They even had back demands that were also vetoed. Though a little curious about what the demands were, I didn't ask because I knew it would just piss me off and be another negative hamster running through the wheel of my mind. All I asked was what the basis of the veto was and was told by V. that the demands were not anything needed (ie. $350 Juicy Couture purses like last year). So at least that interference was run for me and I don't have to waste any emotional energy on it, at least for now.

Believe it or not, I. and I did still go to Legoland though only for 2 hours. Have YOU ever tried to tell a little kid that you weren't going to go to an amusement park because some stupid lady hit you? I mean, even I don't think that's fair. She ruin enough of our day and part of our future days, so why let her ruin the whole day? We did have fun though I was in pain, because nobody was at the park and we just ran around and walked on every ride and some of them, they asked us if we wanted to just stay on and ride a second time. Sweet!

But now it's evening, I'm tired, hurting, overwhelmed, feeling alone and scared about future uncertainties and there's no one here but the animals. I'll definitely be heading to bed early and hoping for a joyful time of picking out a Christmas tree with I., having an early dinner at a restaurant and hopefully having a relaxing, uneventful day.

Reflections

It's a good thing I went to bed early (turning light off at 10:30) because this morning I. was up crying at 5:50 with a bad dream. The good news was that meant she must have been sleeping later than she normally does. The bad news is that this was an hour before I needed to wake up and I couldn't go back to sleep.

There's so much going on in my mind but I can't post about it, not yet. I've got to mull things around some more before writing. The key is to stay busy and on that note, we're getting ready to head to Legoland for the day, just Momma and I. Hopefully with most kids in school today, it'll be uncrowded and we can just run around like a couple of banshees and have fun.

I will say this...I'm very glad that I have stuck to my mindset of doing things with I. now rather than assuming I'll have time someday to do them with her. Elizabeth Edwards' death reminded me of this in a big way. You cannot take one on one time with your child for granted. In the daily routine and grind, sometimes it is hard to stop, step back, and appreciate the time you have with your child. But I'm glad I have and will continue to do so as much as possible.

Thanks To the Cat

Thanks to the Cat, the title of the post did not end up being "Sigh". I was just getting ready to title that in response to V.'s phone call and warning this morning that he may not make it back for this weekend either which bums me out because we need to get the tree this Sunday. If we don't, we'll spend a whole bunch of time decorating the tree only to get to enjoy it for 10 days. That's not okay with me. This year was supposed to be different. I was looking forward to having V. around for the holidays. Now it looks like I'll just be lucky to have him home for the actual holiday itself.

But back to the Cat, I was sitting here bummed, getting ready to post when I look over and see him dragging my stuffed dog down the stairs ( two flights of them) between his legs with its ear firmly in his jaws. This is his way of molesting it. Kind of gross but it looks so comical that you can't help but laugh. When he does this, I know that he wants some snuggling and affection, which is not his normal M.O., so I picked him up and gave him some love. It changed my internal vibe to feel him purring with his eyes closed, just enjoying my affection.

I worked hard last night to get the Christmas cards ready for mailing and get V.'s family present box ready for the post office. I'm hoping that this evening I can relax a little. Last night when I got I. down for bed, I was really tired from a go-go-go day and I went and hung out with our foster cat and dozed off on the bed with her. She actually laid on her side next to me and dozed off. It was nice. Dozing off at 4:30 is unlike me so I must have needed it.

Yesterday I got V. his big gift, one that I've been saying there is no way he's getting and one that he will be SO excited about. It's the IPad and it wasn't cheap to say the least. But it is the one thing he really wants and that it kind of rare. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't up to me to make a value judgement of what he should get for a present. He's not a child, he works his butt off, and he makes the money and never questions how I spend it. Once I bought it, I got so excited because I know how surprised he is going to be and what a good Christmas it will be for him. Isn't that what gift giving is all about?

One thing is for sure. I won't have him open it with the girls there because I know they will be envious and want two of them for themselves. They don't understand that they are 18, jobless, and barely going to school and some things you need to wait to get and earn. That's not a lesson they've been taught unfortunately and I will be aware of that as soon as I hear what their Christmas demands are.

That'll be another post though. Off to get ready for the day...

Kind Hearted Part 2

We picked up our first foster cat yesterday and it felt like Christmas for I. and I. She was so excited that she was talking even faster than she normally does and I had to tell her to take a breath. Our choice was one 2 year old female or three 10 month olds. The lady kept saying how much fun the younger ones would be but in my gut, I felt like the older one would be better at least for our first time out. Especially considering that V. is out of town and would have to be told over the phone of our new visitor.

I'm glad I listened to my gut because this cat is perfect. I was warned that she may hide for 2 days or 2 weeks, to be prepared. I went in the bedroom where she is after I put I. to bed and just sat on the ground speaking quietly. Within 2 minutes, she was crawling out from under the bed, snuggling, rubbing and purring. She's a real sweetheart.




What I love is that I can hear through the wall of I. playing with her and hearing her speaking so sweetly does my heart good. She understands that we are giving her love and a vacation from that little box she's been in at PetSmart and that we're going to have to take her back at some point. I'm really glad I took the leap and decided to do this.

Today I'm trying to keep us busy and distracted from the fact that V. didn't make it home this weekend. It's supposed to be a cloudy day which sounds perfect for spending the afternoon decorating for Christmas. I'm hoping to get our tree next Sunday when V. is here. I love the smell of a Christmas tree though I don't particularly like how small it makes our living area feel. Basically, there's one place to put the tree and that's on the entry tile area so you have to kind of shimmy around it to go to the front door and shimmy around the other side when you need to use the bathroom. Every year V. says we should get a smaller one but forget it. When it comes to my Christmas trees, I say go big or go home! That tree with the angel on top has about a 2 inch clearance every year, I swear. It's become almost like a contest for me to see how close to the ceiling I can get and I suspect this year will be no different.

Just Remembered

A quick note before I head to bed - something I. said at lunch and because I was making a concerted effort to get a resttime in today, I didn't have time to post it for posterity.

Sometimes when I. spends a couple of nights at my parents' house, I'll ask her, "Did you miss me?" and when she inevitably says no, I tell her, "Of course you didn't. You were having so much fun with Bubbi and Bobbi." I'm not trying to guilt her; I ask out of curiosity.

Today we were eating lunch. Yesterday was her long school day due to a science class that she loves in the morning before her regular class. So she went to school at 10:30 instead of 12:30. Out of the blue she says, "I missed you yesterday while I was at school." I said, "Really? What did you miss about me?" And she said, "Just hanging out with you." Awww, stab me in the heart. I felt the same way after such a wonderful Thanksgiving week together. Beautiful and wonderful, but it hurt a little. Because though I never got tired of hanging out with my mommy, I can't count on that in the future with I.. I can just hope and pray that even though I'm not her friend, I'll still be one of her favorite people to hang out with.

Oh, also for posterity because I'll forget with all the woulds, coulds, and shoulds...I asked I. last night what she was thinking of asking Santa for. She thought quite a few minutes and then said, "I want a costume dress for Bubbi (my mom and her favorite playperson) that has a picture of her and I holding hands, laughing." To clarify I said, "So you want your present from Santa to be a costume for Bubbi?" She answered, "Is that going to be hard for him to find?" I'm so lucky to have such a kind hearted kid.

I'll be sure and use that kind hearted kid defense with V. tomorrow when our plan to give a needy, homeless cat(s) some love is met with horror. It's just part of my master plan to raise a human being with compassion and empathy for people and animals who are in need.

The Week Continues

The end of the week is eluding me, it seems to just keep moving farther ahead and I can't catch it. Why? Because V. can't come home this weekend. After months and months of the Saudi schedule you would think it wouldn't be a big thing. But it's amazing how quickly I get into a new schedule with expectations included. Mainly that on Saturday and Sunday, I won't be getting up at 6:45 to I. calling me. It's amazing what that simple fact means to me when I'm falling asleep the night before. It's like taking a deep breath of moist, salty ocean air. It just feels good to all the senses. But not this week.

Well, I'm nothing if not resourceful so I have already got weekend plans in place for I. and I. Sunday it's supposed to be rainy so why not stay warm and snug in the house and decorate for Christmas with music and maybe some Christmas shows too?

What we're doing tomorrow morning will get me in trouble (kind of) with V. but it's something I want to do. It's hard to volunteer and help with I. only in school a couple of hours at a time and then in bed by 4pm. Sure, I could wait until next year when she's in kindergarten but why, when I can help now in some way? I already warned him that this is what I wanted to do and he knows it's coming. For the last 3 weeks, I've been telling him that there's a good chance when he comes home from his trip that there may be another animal temporarily here. He moans and groans but he knows it's happening though part of him is still in denial I'm sure. Well, he won't be in denial for long because tomorrow morning we are picking up either one adult cat or a few younger cats from PetSmart to give it/them a break from the constant viewing and limited movement and give them some room, love, and affection. It's just for a few weeks and then they'll go back and hopefully get adopted. The thing is that I'm going to be busted tomorrow because when I. finds out and we go and get it/them, she's going to be so excited that she is going to tell V. as soon as possible. Then the jig is going to be up. You want to know something funny though? I went over to the PetSmart to look at the cats 'cause I was over that way shopping while I. was in school and one of the adult cats who was really sweet was named V. Wouldn't it be funny if that was the one I ended up picking up tomorrow? I could have fun with that one. Since my V. isn't here very much, I got another V. Hee, hee.

Don't get me wrong, if V. was deadset against this, I wouldn't do it. But he really isn't, he knows it will make me feel good, and that it's part of the lessons I'm trying to teach I. Plus, he's not here 85% of the time and knows I'll be the one doing the work anyways.

I have to admit, I'm excited.

First Day Back

This long week is going to seem longer today, I just know it. V. left on Sunday morning and isn't coming back until late Friday night. This made Sunday feel like Monday, and Monday Tuesday and...well you get where I'm going with this.

It didn't help that I. for some reason woke up many times last night before I went to bed, after I went to bed, and woke up this morning screaming with a bad dream. To say that this morning she is tired and out of sorts would be an understatement. To make matters worse, I am tired too. I stayed up too late trying to finish I.'s annual photobook that we give the grandparents. If I can get the order in for the photobooks and the Christmas cards in tonight, we save a substantial amount of money. I worked on it for 5 hours last night and about the same the night before. Tonight should just be the quality control and finishing touches but I know those somehow will morph into at least 2 hours more of work.

First day back to school for I. today. We had such a nice vacation time together. Even though it was only a week, we got a lot of stuff in there. A trip to Sea World, to Legoland, to see a kids' movie, a day train trip. Wow, plus a major holiday, a couple of nights at my parents' house which gave V. and I a whole day and evening to ourselves.

With I. not getting enough sleep last night, I'm thankful for her school time this afternoon because I know she'll hold it together there unlike how she would be at home. We're going to head to the gym where hopefully I can conjure enough energy to kick my own butt, then home for lunch and then off to school. After chapel, it'll be rush rush rush to 2 different grocery stores, unloading of all the groceries plus I need to pick up food for the parrot and a book at the library that's been on hold. The proverbial chicken with its head cut off. Then back to I.'s school to bring her home for the mad dash to bed.

I'm tired just thinking about this. Oh well, the first day back to anything is always difficult and who knows, maybe it'll be better than I expect.

Quiet

The morning after Thanksgiving to me is a morning of success. Success that I made it through Thanksgiving with my family in one piece and that I have 2 nights off from mommy duty. Well, technically I did give I. her bath last night and put her to bed but not having to be on alert during the night counts as a night off. She's staying today as well so that my mom can play with her all day and then we'll go get her tomorrow morning bright and early. The plan is to go to Legoland since it's down the street and we still haven't gone for her birthday but supposedly it's going to rain so we'll figure it out tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I've had the house to myself for a couple of hours. The girls had to head home this morning so V. left at 8:45 to drive them home. I toyed with driving with him just to hang out but decided that it wouldn't make a difference to him (he's not a talker especially in the car) and honestly, I would much rather use the time for sleeping. I woke up just as they left and have enjoyed reading the paper, drinking my coffee, and eating my breakfast in solitary peace.

I do need to get my butt in gear and get ready to meet V. at the gym and then we have the whole day and evening to ourselves. Wow! Now that's something unusual. It's a given that V. will need/want some resttime this afternoon but I'm trying to figure out some plans for this evening. Hmmm, I'll let you know what I come up with...for now, I will happily get ready without any interruptions and demands. This is what Black Friday means to me!

Thanksgiving Madness

Ah, Thanksgiving Eve. It's always a time of anticipation when my sister is involved but it appears to have gotten even better this year. My brother received an email from my sister and forwarded it to me this morning. She has got to be the most self-centered, bitchy, delusional person I have ever known. Let's review this email, keeping in mind that my sister is almost 28 years old, is not mentally retarded, has no job, and does not go to school. Basically, all she does is live off my parents and is ruining my mother's health literally.

"I think that she could minimize her workload so she could have more time to enjoy herself. She could make appointments at lightening speed and communicate with others plus cut down on all those crappy catalogues that she gets and besides the fact that she could make deposits and the such over the web rather than risk herself getting mugged or something lik Please tell me what you think:)"

By "she", my sister is speaking of my mother. You know the person who she calls and orders to take her here, there, and everywhere at whatever time and day she commands. The person who buys all her groceries, pays her rent and gym membership and cell phone and any gifts that are "given by" my sister. Yeah, she's really concerned about my mother's workload. Actually, she's just irritated that my mother isn't on call for her 24/7 and never wants to be told that my mother can't do something for her. And you know those "crappy catalogues" that my mother gets? My mother enjoys looking at those while she eats lunch and takes a crap but my sister can't fathom that.

"This was something that I saw last night while I was on the Hp site and thought to myself that Mommy really needs, since she has been saying that she is really lonely.I think that this would be a better idea rather than a fancy pantsuit and besides the fact that she could learn how to be more efficent without having to stress her self out.(i.e) if you have looked at your microsoft office 2007 she can make grocery lists, keep track of her bills, do her accounting and other various tasks. Then the fact that the computer happens to be a "digital clutch", kinda like a purse, but much more useful is another great plus. It is a Hp, Vivienne Tam( one of thoses designers' that she likes, and the commercial promoting it is a Indian woman, almost the exact lookalike as the ones that our Godmother Ann painted that she is so fond of. The cover to this laptop has butterflies and is shell pink. It has everything a woman could need, plus the fact that it can fit into her purse or she can carry it like an evening bag. Check it out."

If this was any other than my sister, you may think this is a nice person. That is if you leave out all the bizarre detailed information about designers and the fact that an Indian person in the commercial looks like etc. and for some reason that means my mother needs this thing. Number one, my mother can barely use a cell phone. Number two, my mother is not lonely and even if she's was, she would NEVER tell my sister that because that would just be an invitation for my sister to park herself even more in my mother's daily life. Lastly, she's telling all this to my brother so that HE can buy this $1,000 present for my mom.

"Here's my christmas list I thought you might eye out the jewelery. the juicy necklace and matching bracelet were just some good ideas. feel free to select any of the other pieces or items. hope your day is going well and look forward to seeing on thursday."

I'm sorry, sending your Xmas list to someone who hasn't requested it is just plain rude or delusional or both. He can't even stand being around her, why would he possibly want her Xmas list? And that it's expensive jewelry. But feel free to select any of the other pieces or items. WTF?

"What was the story with Ani how come she wasn"t at i.'s birthday. What is she a what's it? Cause she has definetly got a screw up her ass. Tell her to deposit outside of self more people would appreciate that than say the recycling truck realizes. I do plan on being kind to her and look forward to the choo-choo and chug another making whoopee elsewhere! Love you, just trying to express my feelings and a possible smile somewhere in that lost look you have gotten me despising myself for! "

Ani is Aaron's girlfriend, a really nice girl. She's 18, has a job, goes to school full-time and treats my brother well. And my sister is being really bitchy for no reason. She has always been jealous of his girlfriends, bizarre to say the least and creepy at times. You can't see it but she also called I. by the wrong name. Yeah, she's been alive for 5 years, you'd think she'd know her name by now. Who cares right? I mean, it's not my sister's name so she really doesn't care. And then you can see the level of crazy we're dealing with when we go into the part about choo-choos, chugs, and making whoopee elsewhere.

Yeah, so my brother and I are really looking forward to tomorrow. Looks like it's going to be a real ball of fun. I just hope fights can be avoided, that she lays off my mom or there will be problems, that she doesn't stare at the girls the whole dinner and that my brother and I can find something to laugh about. Some family holidays just have to be approached with low expectations and hope and tomorrow is one of those.

The Best Day Ever

Today I think was even better than I had hoped. Honestly, it was just one of those perfect days. The only non-perfect part was that for some reason I had stressful, active dreams all morning when I usually get my good rest. As a result, I woke up feeling tired and with a headache. But that all disappeared when I saw that it was NOT raining as predicted, meaning that we could go on our adventure today. From that point on, I swear, it felt like Christmas morning to me. That's the only way to describe it. But enough talking, let's look at the pictures of the day.

Here's I. waiting for the train in Solana Beach. Her first train ride and she's excited!

I made sure we sat on the west side of the train for both trips so that we could enjoy the beach view all the way up to San Juan Capistrano.

The petting zoo wasn't opened yet so we stopped for a latte for me, in hopes that it would help my headache disappear and a blueberry scone for I. who said she was already hungry. I've noticed that I always take good pictures when I. is taking them or when we take them together. I guess my love for her just shines through.

Here is Dr. Doolittle in action. This petting zoo was really fantastic. Both of us had so much fun feeding and petting the animals. There were tons of guinea pigs and rabbits running around in this huge pen. Plus another pen full of goats, a calf and mother cow, llamas, turkeys, and an ostrich thrown in for good measure. An animal lover's dream come true!

I. hanging out with the sheep in their house

Could they find a bigger horse? Nope, not here 'cause this was the biggest one there. I. was thrilled.

After the petting zoo, we had lunch at Ruby's Diner (thus the pink cadillac) and walked around a couple of shops happily. Then it was back to the station to wait for our train.

There's our train! I always forget how huge, loud, and just plain cool it is when the train goes by you up close. Pretty awesome.

So that was our day. No tears, tantrums, backtalking, bad attitudes, none of it. Just constant hand holding, laughing, smiling, kissing and snuggling. Once we got back to our car and were driving home, I. said, "Are we home yet? I'm SO tired." I think that was the first time I heard her say that, not counting when she's whining about not wanting to do something. She was asleep in 5 minutes once her head hit her pillow.

Okay, so maybe people think I'm strange for being so driven when it comes to making memories with I. and perhaps I am. But it comes down to what I told I. on the train ride home. She's old enough now to remember all of these things that we did together and these memories will be special especially when she has kids of her own. I remember all the things my mom and I did and while they were normal things (library, beach, shopping, lunch, etc.), they are special memories to me especially now that I have I. Maybe I only have a year, 5 years, 10 years or maybe many many more years I don't know. And that's point, I don't know. But just in case, I'm going to hedge my bets and do all the things I'd like her and I to do in life now because I don't know what the future holds. What I do know is that she will have some damn good memories of our time and adventures together and I just pray that someday she will be sitting next to her child on their first train ride and she'll remember today with a warm glow in her heart knowing that her momma loved her beyond words and cherished the time that we spent together.

I.'s Birthday Pictures

With Baby Bear, ready for my birthday party!

My 3rd birthday at El Torito in 2008 with Luis

My 5th birthday (2010) at On the Border with Luis

Enjoying myself

Having fun at my party

Morning of my actual birthday, ready for school

I wanted to get a picture of I. and I on her birthday and I did.

This is at the end of her birth-day. To say that she was pooped out would be an understatement. She had a great party on Saturday and a great actual birthday and that's what counts.

First Day of Thanksgiving Break

I am declaring today to officially be the first day of I.'s Thanksgiving break and we're off to have a fun day. Even though it's overcast, cold and threatening sprinkles, we're going to go to Sea World for the day. We haven't been for over a year because I didn't renew our passes this past year. Then I saw a great deal for AAA members where you basically pay the cost of one visit and get a fun card that is good until 12/31/2011. How can you beat that?
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Next week I also have an adventure planned with I., one of those "firsts" that I am always talking about. Again online, I found a big petting zoo up in San Juan Capistrano that sounds fun. But the adventure part is that we're taking the train up. I. has never been on a train and I love the train so it will be awesome. We can go up, walk to the petting zoo, and then have lunch and wander a little before jumping back on the train home. It'll be a blast.

But today's adventure is Sea World, seeing a couple of shows we haven't seen before and just spending time together, I. and I. Even though I. is off school next week, she will be spending Thanksgiving night and Friday night at my parents'. So I'm capitalizing on these days before Thanksgiving to fit in some fun in between some Thanksgiving cooking and normal tasks. Again, it's all about balance, right?Fu

Another Busy Day

Today will be another busy day but not as hectic as yesterday. Actually, because I was so organized and had mentally prepared for all the errands, it didn't feel as stressful as it initially sounded. In addition to that, while I was at the gym one of the personal trainers who I have become friendly with due to the fact that our kids play together, offered me a free personal training session. The funny thing is that on Sunday, the head training manager introduced himself and I'm having a free PT session with him tomorrow. I let this other personal trainer know in case she wanted to give it to someone else but she said that she still wanted to give it to me. When it rains it pours in good ways it seems. I am really stoked about it because I need them desperately to kick start and motivate myself.

This morning I feel like Martha Stewart with the making of the blueberry pancakes as I. requested yesterday and putting a whole chicken in the crockpot for dinner. V. also is here though working until he drives up to Los Angeles for a long day. He got home after 10pm yesterday so it's not quality time but it's a treat to have him around, coughing and snotty as he is, in the middle of the week so I'll take what I can get. Plus he's spending the night in LA so I won't see him until late tomorrow night.

The whininess of I. continues this morning due to her early wakeup time. I have to say, it really grates on my nerves. Hearing someone in the background having a frustrated fit about this and that just drives me up the wall. I can ignore crying for a much longer time than whining that's for sure. On a good note, I. did play with her toys yesterday by herself while I was getting ready yesterday and probably will today as well. If I'm not around to hear the whiny problems, she doesn't whine. Kind of like if noone is in the forest to hear the sound of a tree falling, does it make a sound.

Busy Days

A slow start this morning after an abrupt awakening. Oh, I like the double alliteration in that first sentence. Yes, I know I'm strange for even noticing it but I'm a visual person and these kinds of things just jump out at me. Anyways, the abrupt awakening at 5:58 a.m. was I. crying so I ran into her room only to find out that it was only because Baby Bear had fallen on the ground. Yes, I know she loves her Baby Bear. That's not the issue. The issue is that she was going to be climbing out of that blasted bed in 2 minutes and could have retrieved Baby Bear. I guess I should be happy that I. is such a literal kid in that it never crossed her mind to sneak out of that bed before 6:00, get Baby Bear and climb back in. I tried to keep that in mind as I stalked back to my bed to try to sneak in a few more minutes of sleep.

Now I'm up and moving, still struggling with fighting off this cold, and am facing a busy errand day. Actually Day One, Day Two comes tomorrow. But it's better that I get these things done while I. is in school for a couple of hours rather than wait until next week when she's out of school. I just wish I felt better. The pounding ears and head don't make things easier. I should be thankful though because V. has the full blown version of the cold.

My pet peeve of the last couple of weeks has been that I. doesn't play with the toys she has. I've parsed them down to make them less daunting and it isn't that she has SO many toys. She just doesn't play with them and it's aggravating to me. What is also aggravating to me is that since the time change she's getting up so friggin' early (this morning it was 4:33 or something like that) that by 8:30/9:00 a.m., she's already tired and has a low tolerance for frustration leading to my morning being filled with little whining, crying fits as things don't look/work exactly as she wants them to. Grrr...stupid stupid time change.

Strange Day

The day started off well as I watched I. in her first gymnastics class. She was the only one in her class so she was in constant motion. I felt sorry for her only because I knew she didn't feel 100% but she was running around the whole time without any rest. I was amazed by her balance - it really is something else - and the enthusiasm that she showed throughout the class was great. She really enjoyed herself though I suspect her little sinewy arms will be sore tomorrow.

This afternoon my mom came over to play with I. She got there at 12:30 which was good and I. had a great time playing with her Bubbi. I was feeling pretty lousy at this point with my cold symptoms coming on so I just did 2 quick errands and came home but then did some chores because my mom would get distracted by me and end up frustrating I. My mom had said that she wanted to tell me a few things but when I said we could talk while I. was eating dinner (at 3), she said she had to leave at 2:45. I guess when she said that she wanted to come play with I., she really meant it. I suspect that my sister had demanded my mother to cart her somewhere this afternoon and unless my mother wanted her cell phone ringing every 5 minutes, it behooved her to pick her up on time. Just a guess, but you know I'm usually right.

The only thing she did bring up was the suicide of the only son of a local famous restauranteur and how sad it was. He was in his early 30s, had just had dinner with his parents and then stopped on his drive home to kill himself, leaving a note for them in his car. To those around him, he was attractive, successful, well liked, and driven. To himself, he was losing a battle with depression. I know what he must have felt like and I know that at dinner that night he probably seemed very happy to his parents. But I also know that this "happiness" most likely was because he had made up his mind that tonight was the night. He was going to have a nice dinner with his parents, say his goodbyes, and then all his pain was going to be over. When you are that depressed, making up your mind that you're going to do it, that it's almost over gives you a sense of relief, almost a physical pain relief, that you just have a little more time and the pain will be gone. To a non-depressed person, it's unfathomable but to one who has been there a few times, I get it.

My mother knows I was there. Okay, maybe I didn't tell her about the other times but that was because they really didn't seem to get it the first time I told them after being nagged by the outpatient therapist for weeks. Why bother telling them if it happened again? But still, my parents were told. That being said, it bothered me greatly when my mother says about this suicidal man, "He reminds me of your brother" because of the guy holding in his feelings.

REALLY?! REALLY? Who has been the person leaned upon, depended upon to fix the emotional ills of this family? Who has to be the strong one, the one who won't falter under any conditions, the one who has to rise to every occasion? The one who found and still finds herself without the support of those who depend on her support.

I don't know why I still allow myself to get upset about this? Maybe it's just that I don't feel good anyways and so it feels more than it is. It didn't ruin my day or evening so I think I'll just let it go and move on. But I did want to get it out of my head and off of my chest before heading to bed in hopes that it will not materialize into some stressful dream tonight. Here's to hoping for a cold night, pleasant dreams, deep sleep, and a healthier tomorrow!

Snotty Monday

I haven't posted since the middle of last week because we're still trying to adjust to this vile time change. I'm getting a little more used to the early morning wake up time and actually after I get I. down for bed, I get a few things done before settling down for the evening. However, once this burst of productivity is over, I'm really tired mentally and physically and my brain is pretty much blank. Not so conducive for blogging.

Our weekend went pretty well - some playtime for I. with both V. and I and V. got a good nap in there. The only downside was that thanks to messing with I.'s sleep, she got a cold. Even though she's still getting about the same amount of sleep, she's getting up at 5 am. so she's pretty tired by 1pm and still has 3 hours to go. It's just a given that when her sleep is messed with, she gets sick. Of course, now V. and I are fighting off this cold and hopefully neither of us will get the full strength version.

This morning is I.'s first gymnastics class. She doesn't have a fever, her snot is clear, and this is the 3rd day so I don't think she's contagious. She would be allowed to go to school so I am going to take her to the class. After a couple of errands, my mom is supposed to come to our house because she wants to play with I. We'll see what time she arrives. I told her to come early since I.'s dinner starts at 3pm but that doesn't usually make a difference in her arrival time. All I know is that I'm not going to get I. in bed late when she's trying to recover from sickness to compensate for my mom's lack of time awareness.

I.'s having a frustrated fit across the room which is aggravating me so I'm going to extricate myself and start getting ready for the day. Whatever happened to a sick kid who just lies quietly on the couch? This one runs around and does just like normal but has a severly diminished level of patience and tolerance for frustration. Ugh!

How Fun in Life is Like Married Sex

I already know that I'm overly sensitive to criticism, I always have been. I don't know if it's because I've had a problem with perfectionism or because my parents always expected it from me, most likely a combination of both. I bring all of this up because of a comment/attitude my mom made/had at the very end of our conversation today. It wasn't such a big deal in and of itself but it really is just a small example of something that has always bothered me about my parents. I'll try to simply state the comment and attitude and then dissect it ad naseum (most likely) afterwards.

My mom said she wanted to come over Monday afternoon and see I. and that she knew she had better tell me now since she knows I book in advance. I laughingly made the comment that last night, I was just "booking" something in December already. She responded, "You sound like this lady Dr. Laura had on her show yesterday. She was getting all worried and hyper about her daughter and Dr. Laura said that she just needed to calm down." I said, "I'm not worried about I. There are things I want to experience with her and I want to make sure I do before she's in school full-time." She said, "September is a long way away." and I said, "I know, but time is flying by so fast that I just want to make sure I get things planned in advance so I don't miss any." Then my mom gave this little laugh that she only does when she doesn't understand why you're feeling/thinking a certain way or why you're saying something but it doesn't really matter because she thinks it's pretty ridiculous. Everything probably would have been fine up until the laugh. I really had to get off the phone so I couldn't try to address it but it festered inside for the rest of today.

I know it doesn't sound like a big deal and in the grand scheme of things, it's not. But here's the root of it. When I was living at home, I was not really allowed to have a life outside of the family. It was all about the Family. If we had had a big family, at least it would have been a big circle but as it was, it was basically my dad and mom and about 4 crazy relatives that we tried to have as little contact with as possible. So my life was contained in a very little circle.

On top of that, my parents capitalized on the fact that I avoided at all costs disappointing them. That led to a lot of self-containment on my part. If I knew that they wouldn't like what I was thinking or how I was feeling, I just kept it inside because if it differed from how they were, they would make you feel bad about it. Here's what I'm talking about. They talk nonstop and are gregarious, sometimes loud and laugh a lot. I think that's great but it's not me. I think before I speak and many times I think a whole lot but never speak about it. My parents consider this quiet and unfriendly. I laugh especially with I. but not often. It's not that I don't think things are funny, often times I do, but I don't laugh loudly at all the things I think are funny. I'm just more reserved that way. My parents go from the highest highs to the lowest of lows and then make sure you know every gory detail of them. Me, I like to stay pretty even keel with my peaks and valleys within limits. My mother considers this milquetoast and she can't stand people like this (a direct quote). As far as gory details, I usually don't provide many, definitely none that are too emotional to me, and if I do, it will be years later after the painful issue has been dealt with.

This is how they are and I know that. They haven't changed, I've changed. I stopped caring what they thought and did what I thought should be done. If they didn't like it, "oh well, I'm not them" became my attitude.

But I. and my parenting is still a newish topic. I'm still finding my way as most mothers do when they have young children. That makes my parenting a topic that I haven't quite gotten to the "if you don't like it, kiss off" end of the spectrum. With non-family members, I do have that attitude. Even with V., my attitude is "I spend 24/7 with I. and I know her". But this is my mother and I felt like she was casting judgment on something to do with my mothering.

No, this is not how she goes through her life but that doesn't make my way wrong. When I was growing up, our bills were always paid late, checks were bouncing and not because my dad wasn't making money. It was because she was never on time with doing bills. To this day, she is still running to the bank 5 minutes before it closes to make a deposit or a transfer to cover checks. Her days are free form, errands here and there not necessarily in a straight line, not getting to do the things she wants to do because she runs out of time etc.

That's about as far from me as you can get. Just hearing about her chaos and hecticness of remembering this, forgetting about that, makes me tense. It's not just that I like structure. It's that I want to make sure that I do get done what I have to but with plenty of healthy, fun time thrown throughout my week. Errands have a way of eating up hours and hours. I like to group them together by area so that I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. I want to maximize my fun time with I. for the next 9 months. That is a priority for me. Also, by putting things on my computer calendar, I can visually look at a week (or month) and immediately see if the week is unbalanced. Am I cramming too many errands and necessary appointments into a week which will lead to I. acting out and me stressing out? If so, I can easily delay a few things and replace it with fun. Yes, it's structured but it's not set in stone, it's a constantly and easily changing document.

The bottom line is that my calendar is a visual barometer of how healthy and balanced my personal and home life is. After Mark died, I promised myself that I would make sure to include more fun things in my life instead of what I needed to do. Fun in life, at least as an adult, is kind of like sex when you're married - if you wait to have it on a spontaneous basis, it'll never happen. You've got to put it into whatever "schedule" you've got going. That doesn't mean you'll enjoy it less, in fact looking forward to it is half the fun!

Today's the Day

I am now the momma of a 5 year old. I cannot believe it since it just seems like yesterday I was holding her for the first time. All the more reason to make as many memories as possible with I. because time does fly. Today I am concentrating on her excitement and pride that she is 5 to keep from getting sad. I'll save that for tonight when I'm writing her birthday letter. I already know now to get a box of Kleenex along with the stationary and pen because it's inevitable.

Yesterday I showed her the pictures I took each month of my pregnancy and she really liked it. This morning I will show her the pictures we took in the hospital of her first hours. Then we will get ready, head to Chuck E. Cheese for fun and lunch, then to school where she'll get to celebrate her birthday in chapel and in her classroom. I am going to get some good pictures (hopefully) and then I'll do a picture posting with the best bday pics. I realized that I did not get any pictures of me or V. with I. at her party so I am going to see if I can get someone at school to take a picture of us. It sure is hard getting in the pictures when you're the momma, at least around this joint.

Happy Birthday my beautiful, sweet, feisty, loving, smart, funny little girl! You have changed my life in the most meaningful way and I am thankful every day and night that you are my daughter.

The Last Night I Have a 4 Year Old

Tonight is the last night I will have a 4 year old in the house with me. This makes me sad even though I know there will be great things about having I., the 5 year old, with me. Five years ago tonight after 29 hours of labor, my water finally broke with an audible *pop* and boy were we off to the races! I had thought the labor had been painful so far but it wasn't even in the same ballpark as what happened after the water broke. Anyways, the rest will be part of tomorrow's post.

Today I. and I had a good day together. Usually on Mondays, I don't go to the gym so that we can take advantage of this "last" year of weekday time that we get together before full day school next year. But with her birthday being tomorrow, I wanted to spend time together in the morning before she went to school at 12:30. I'm planning on taking her to Chuck E. Cheese in the morning because we can just goof around together and it's a big deal to her to go there. So today we went to the gym and then came home and made apple bread together. I. has been wanting to make it for a week after having some at school and we still had apples that we picked in Julian that I'm trying to find uses for. It was so great, standing side by side at the kitchen counter on a chilly day, smelling cinnamon and apples as we made our bread. And right in the middle of putting the ingredients in the bowl, I. leaned towards me with her lips all puckered up to give me a kiss on the lips. Honestly, life really doesn't get any better than that. After a much needed resttime, we walked to the mailbox hand in hand together and she told me she liked holding hands with me. Together we watched a hawk catch and eat a mouse and both found it pretty interesting and then we walked home and made Shrinky Dinks together before her dinner time. A perfect, laid back, hanging out kind of day. It makes me wonder how in the world am I going to cope come next September. But I won't dwell on that now...

This time change is kicking our butts. How one hour makes this much of a difference is beyond me but it does. I. is up so early in the morning now that she's pretty wiped out by the early afternoon. I was panicking because she is getting up at 5 am now and I'm not a morning person. The reason why I'm not a morning person is that the only deep, decent sleep I get is from about 4:30am until when I wake up. So you do the math and you'll understand why I. waking up at 5am was stressing me out.

Well, desperate mommas lead to creative solutions and I decided to cash in on I.'s digital clock obsession and work it to my advantage. I took a piece of paper and wrote 6:00 on it and then drew a picture of I. getting out of her bed. Then I wrote 6:46 and showed her calling "Mommy" and explained that these were the times she could do these 2 things and not before. I left the side down of her crib (yes, I know she's in a crib and she's turning 5 - when I told her we were going to get her a big girl bed, I was informed quite sternly, "But I like my little bed and I don't want a big girl bed.") and went to bed with my fingers crossed.

Unfortunately between V. getting up at 2:30, the garage door slamming shut at 4:15 and things that had to be attended to in the bathroom, I did not get good sleep this morning. So when I. started calling me at exactly 6:45, I didn't feel too good but was thankful that my plan seemed to have worked. We'll see tomorrow if lightening strikes twice but so far so good. I'm hoping that her wake up time will start moving closer to 6 but we'll see. For now, this will work as soon as my own inner clock gets reset and maybe I'll start sleeping good from 3:30. Sleep issues suck!

Five Years Ago Today

Exactly five years ago at this time of day, I had been in labor for 4 hours with I. Now that in and of itself may not sound that interesting. However, keep in mind that today is Sunday night and I. will not be born until Tuesday morning.

They say that you don't remember your labor once you have the baby and I say that's BS. I remember most all of it, all 36 hours of it. I don't just remember the hard, painful time of it (though boy do I remember that) but I also remember the funny moments of it, being on all fours rocking through contractions while my parents were hanging pictures on my wall, making hilarious comments that made me laugh which made the pain even worse. Best of all, I remember holding her for the first time but that should be something I post about on Tuesday, not today.

Today was I.'s birthday party with family and she had such a good time. When we got to On The Border where our longtime waiter/friend works at, I was shocked and choked with emotion because he didn't just take our reservation for lunch. He had gone to Party City and gotten princess themed mylar balloons, regular balloons with her name on them, streamers, birthday hats, a princess tiara, the works. I just couldn't believe he did all this for us and it still touches me deeply. I. was surprised and tickled to say the least and we had a nice lunch. We came back to the house to open presents and have my homemade cake and it went well.

What I am probably most pleased with is how I. behaved. All these people, all these presents and she didn't just rip through them like a tornado. As she opened gifts, she showed appreciation for each one and often accompanied this with hugs of thanks. We must be doing something right raising her and that makes me really happy.

Is I. Intense?

For the last month, I. has looked forward to when her bedroom clock turns to 4:44. That's when we're snuggling in the rocking chair together, reading bedtime books. I don't know exactly why, maybe it just visually looks cool to her but she gets excited and watches the clock for when it turns. This week, I've warned her that soon she won't see that time because we are going to have to change the clocks. I know she doesn't understand this completely but she does understand that she's not going to see 4:44.

Just in case anyone thinks that I may be exaggerating that I. is intense and likes routines, tonight we got involved in the story's plotline and when she looked up, it was 4:45. She began kicking and then proceeded to cry for awhile until I could calm her down and distract her.

I don't know about you, but I haven't seen any parental advice in books and magazines of what to do when your child misses their favorite digital time. Once again, I. defies "normal" parenting issues and makes me scramble as to the why and then the how to deal with it. I guess I did okay with the how because she did calm down and snap back to normal but I still am shaking my head as to the why. She's not a boring, predictable kid, that is for certain.

Birthday Sadness

Another quick week in our lives, a very quick and very hot week. It was close to 100 degrees here and I hated it. Fortunately, the weather is supposed to change tomorrow and drop between 25 and 30 degrees. Just in time for I.'s family birthday party tomorrow. Last night I wrapped I.'s gifts and it helped make me feel less sad about her 5th birthday. She is so excited about her birthday and by concentrating on that excitement and living it with her, I feel less pain.

I don't want to feel bad about it but it's hard. As luck would have it, a mom that I bonded with when our girls were babies who later had to move to Arizona, posted a picture of her daughter on FB and I made a comment. It prompted her to write me a message and we've exchanged messages for the last couple of days. It's been really comforting especially as we approach I.'s birthday because she completely gets it. We always have been on the same wavelength with parenting things and step-parenting frustrations so when she moved a few years ago, it was hard, really hard.

I told her how I was feeling about this 5th birthday and she said that she just started making invitations for her daughter's 5th birthday and burst out crying because she couldn't believe she was that old already. Like I said, she gets it and that makes me feel less freakish, less silly, and more importantly, less alone.

It's been hard to keep in touch, she had another kid, had to work full-time for a time, and is now a SAHM again happily. Maybe as our kids grow up and we have more time to ourselves (in theory), we can continue staying in touch because it really does help.

So So Weekend

This weekend was not our best nor our worst weekend, it was just one of those "there" weekends. I'm still trying to figure out what made it different than the weekend before which was a good bonding weekend. What I've come up with so far is that it really didn't have anything to do with me.

The high points were taking I. daytime trick or treating at a shopping mall on Saturday afternoon and then going out to our weekly early dinner/late lunch. She had a really good time and it was fun to watch her enjoying the trick or treat experience since she doesn't get to participate in the nighttime one. A 5 pm bedtime just is not conducive for trick or treating. And before anyone says, "Ahh, why can't you let her stay up late one night?" let me just give this example. She fell asleep on Saturday night at 6:30 due to playing in bed and Sunday morning, she was an emotional wreck, sobbing and throwing fits at the slightest things. It was not fun to deal with for anyone involved, let me tell you.

As for the downside of the weekend, it wasn't anything glaring. It just felt like V. and I. were marching next to each other rather than together. Part of it was that he had a bunch of work (as always) he needed to take care of during the weekend however, he didn't communicate how much so I assumed that after spending both mornings (3-4 hours at a time) working plus a conference call, that would be it. But no, I was wrong, he had more as I found out last night at 5pm when he expressed his frustration in being interrupted while he was on his computer by saying (as he was going up to change I.'s poopy diaper), "It's really frustrating to be interrupted no less than 15 times when I'm trying to finish this reading."

It wasn't said meanly or even angrily, just in a frustrated tone of voice but it stung nonetheless. I thought about it as I showered then came down and finished the morning paper, which due to constant interruptions, I never got to even read and waited for another hour or so for him to finish his homework. Then I said, "You know, we only get to see you 2 days out of the week so that is family time. It's interesting to me that what you view as "interruptions" to our family time is us, your family. That's completely backwards - it should be the work that is the "interruption" to our family time. And I think you really need to think about that." I think he was taken a little aback initially but then he asked what was my solution to the fact that he had to get the work done regardless. I told him that we should have discussed (his favorite word) on Saturday morning our needs and expectations of the weekend so that we could work as a team and schedule accordingly. I reminded him him finishing up the reading tonight was not going to be remembered or make a difference in life 10 years from now but spending time carving a pumpkin with I. would. We'll see in the future if it makes a difference.

V.'s parents annoyed (his word) him on Sunday morning during a Skype phone call by turning down his request that they use his frequent flyer mileage to come out for a visit and they responded with all the reasons why they couldn't, namely because they have to take care of "their baby" (great granddaughter). Talk about enabling - they rival my parents. Although he said it annoyed him, I think the correct words would have been anger and hurt. Neither of these emotions are conducive for a bonding weekend though. Saturday evening, V. fell asleep at 5:30 and last night by 7pm which while I understood his exhaustion, it was still a bummer because it wasn't very unlike my weekday nights.

Oh well, I talked to V. this morning and told him that this weekend wasn't our best and he agreed so that counts for something; he wasn't clueless and I guess in a way we were on the same page, just not the page I wished we were on. Besides the exhaustion and the aggravation, I just felt like V. had half a leg in last week's work and a full leg into this coming week's which only left a half a leg for us. Next Saturday is I.'s birthday party and I hope he can hold it together long enough to be "present" for the party.

Today is Monday, our "last hurrah" day as I call it before I. starts full-time school. We're going to get our flu mist first (that will be challenging) and then head down to Balboa Park to see a surfing IMAX movie and look around the adjoining museum. It should be a fun day of hanging out with my girl.

Horrible Nightmare

I had one of my worst vivid dreams this morning. I'm not kidding. It was so bad that when I was telling V. about it tonight at dinner (yes, he actually was here for dinner), I started sobbing and this was over 12 hours later. This was the nightmare.

We were at home and I was standing on top of our roof (come on, it was a dream). Just below our roof but still 3 stories up was a flat patio area full of people including V. I. came running out on the patio, saw me, called out "Momma", and then started running towards me. There was no walls around this patio and she ran right off the edge because she was staring right at me. V. tried to grab her with one arm, then with the other, and as I screamed, I watched her fall down 3 stories and land flat on her back on a wooden deck. It was a horrifying sight and was so vivid that it makes me cry even now as I write it.

I ran down to where she was and cradled her in my arms. Her legs and arms were twitching and only one of her eyes was open. I was telling her how much I loved her. Running through my mind was that there may be hope because she landed on the wood deck rather than the pavement and then her other eye opened up. However, I knew that she probably had internal injuries and needed medical help now so I was screaming for 911. This is when I woke up, screaming.

I don't even know how to end this post. Maybe with the fact that we had a fun packed day today. I. had sports class this morning, then off to the chiropractor to put me back together again, then a lunch picnic in the car and a frozen yogurt treat before we headed off to a pumpkin patch fair to meet my mom for the afternoon. I was thankful to be able to spend time with I. today after such a horrible dream but it still doesn't erase my emotions and memories. I wonder if there is some way to manipulate the memory of a dream to just be a dream and take the feeling of reality out of it?

Mysteries Abound

My last post was all about the present and future pains I was experiencing/anticipating and the weird thing was that there was plenty of "pains" just not the ones I expected.

We (my mom, I. and I) piled into the dentist office that afternoon, me a less stressed due to the Ativan and they got me in the chair. They put the topical on my gum and let it sit there and then my dentist came in. Mind you, the last time I was in and was told of this cavity, her new partner who I had never seen before, came in and delivered the bad news curtly. My regular dentist is a nice woman, who takes the time to smile and talk with you. So she walked in and said cheerfully, "How are you?" and I told her in no uncertain terms that I was not amused whatsoever about having to be at her office today. She actually looked surprised. Really, I'm sure this wasn't the first time she's ever heard it but I guess it was the first time she's heard it from me. She said she wanted to take a look at the cavity since she never had actually seen it and then get this...she proceeds to tell me there is NO CAVITY!

I almost cried, really I did because I was so thankful to not have to go through this and so happy that I still don't have any cavities. Then I got pissed off that I had to go through all of this, drag my mom into it, and stress about it for 3 weeks. But right after that, I was and still am so happy! And I'll tell you what, I'm flossing every stinkin' day!

So after dodging that bullet, the next day (yesterday) I woke up feeling pretty okay until about an hour and a half later when I was fixing I. her breakfast. All of a sudden, I felt like I was going to throw up, then exhaustion hit, chills, and a headache. My stomach hurt so bad, I had to lay down for 2 hours and try not to move so I wouldn't throw up. Thankfully, I. behaved herself though not quietly until finally I had to get up, get ready, and fix her lunch or she wouldn't make it to school. Wouldn't you know that today was the day I signed up to work at her class? I tried to tell I. that I may have to ask for another day because literally, I could have fallen asleep right there which is highly unusual for me, but I. was so disappointed and she kept sobbing and what could I do? So I made it through her class by sucking it up and enjoying it, got her home, fed, and in the bath whereupon I laid down on her bedroom floor and dozed in and out between her many questions. Bathed her, read to her, got her in bed, me in the shower and then I dozed off for 30 minutes. Mind you, I hadn't eaten all day and had no appetite which is not normal for me so I choked down some chicken noodle soup and bread for dinner. I'm not sure what it was - today I wasn't 100% either but I felt substantially better. It's times like these when I feel sorry for myself for not having anyone to fall back on - I have to suck it up and continue on even when I feel like I could just fall over. Who says being a momma isn't the toughest job? Ain't no sick time here baby!

So as I said, mysteries abound - the quasi-cavity, the hit-you-between-the-eyes illness and still my back is recovering. Hoping that the rest of this week is filled with less pain and more smiles.

A Day

I woke up yesterday with a pulled muscle in my back and today it is still very tender. Add to that the threat of having our water turned off 8am-3pm, my first cavity being filled this afternoon and you have a cornucopia of a long day. We're going to the gym just to have secure access to bathrooms this morning and then my mom is supposed to come over to watch I. while I go to the dentist.

You see, I have a thing about teeth. As in kind of a phobia, gross-out type of thing. Always have, even when I was a kid. I've never had any kind of work done at the dentist aside from cleanings, which by the way I have a hard time with. It's like an overload of sensations that I can't escape from - wetness, grittiness, the scraping sound, the scraping feeling, the blood - ugh, it's almost too much for me. And now, the cavity filling, God help me. Or if not Him, may the 2 Ativans that I'll be taking at 1pm help me to just not care. Apparently, I'm lucky enough to have the only dentist to not offer nitrious oxide.

What a day.

A Different Kind of First

This week I experienced another first but this time with one of the older girls (B.). I looked at my Facebook page the other night and I saw that B. was listed in the right margin as a suggested friend. Hmm, that's new, she's never been on there before, I guess she just joined.

I click to look at her profile and what does she have posted as her profile picture? A picture of her smoking a hooka or something very bizarre looking. I guess we're hoping it's a hooka at this point. Now I know she doesn't want her father or I seeing this picture but I guess she didn't put all the pieces of the puzzle together and figure that we're on there and can see her. What's really funny is that the two of us are probably showing up as "suggested friends" on her FB page.

V. is not one to miss an opportunity to wind up their mother so he calls her up and gets her frothing at the mouth. I hate to think what happened when B. walked back in the house last night because the shit was definitely hitting the fan. I'll probably hear what happened later tonight when V. gets home. I have a feeling this is the first of many lessons one or both of the girls are going to be painfully learning in the next few years.

As Promised - Pictures

I still haven't figured out the rhyme and reason to the order of posting pics on here. It seems no matter the order I upload the pic in, they are shuffled. So "bear" (see first pic) with me:

We had to wait quite a long time to get a piece of pie at Mom's Pies. Once we got in there, I was happy to see something that would distract I. and make for a cute picture too. I have to say, she waited in line really well!

Picking apples at the apple orchard just outside of Julian. It was off the beaten path and we drove with our windows down to enjoy the cold mountain air and forest views.

Heading into Dudley's for a carb-fest of bread. We both look forward to having a piece at breakfast every day.

Our apple bag was getting full and heavy as I. found out. I made some baked apples with dried cranberries, honey, and walnuts as a filling - awesome!

This is where we ended up eating lunch in Julian. Had her pose with the menu since the name of the restaurant rhymed with her name.

Such a good time for both of us. Now if I could just figure out how to have the DVD playing in the backseat without me having to listen to it too, we'd be in business. I've done it successfully once and it was a godsend. For this trip, I had to listen to Curious George and some other British cartoons that got stuck in my brain for days on the way up and back. We only use the DVD player for long (once a year) trips so I. is thrilled when I announce that we're going to use it. I do have to say that I'll take Curious George ANY DAY over Elmo's Adventure full-length movie that we played on the way to Palm Desert last New Year's (I. and I again). Now that was torturous!