Day 72

Slept like crap last night thanks to the warm evening.  When I woke up at 5:45, I turned on the monitor and could hear D. babbling happily and hoped he would stay awake until 6:30 when the alarm was going off.  He did and it was so nice to open the door and see his happy little face as he was standing up in the crib facing the door. 

I decided that our outing after his morning nap would be a trolley adventure since he was so excited about that before.  We caught the trolley at Qualcomm and rode it for 30 minutes to Seaport Village.  Lately he's been really good about holding my hand and walking so I decided to take a chance and not try to lug the stroller onto the trolley.  It worked out perfectly.  He happily sat on my lap on the way there and then held my hand as we walked the half mile to the pancake restaurant downtown.  He enjoyed his blueberry pancakes and I enjoyed my pecan pancakes and while we were eating, he kept making the sign for train to verify that we were going to go on the train again. Then we walked back to the station and enjoyed the return trip.

It was so nice to have my little guy resting against me, feeling his baby fingers search for my fingers and hold tightly when the trolley noises were a little intense or as the number of people grew.  It was soothing for both of us.  I am so thankful that we have found/created physical moments/routines of closeness that has really forged a bridge from our nursing days.  There were a few months where we were floundering and trying to find our way, mostly because I was trying to be sensitive and not remind him that we were no longer nursing.  And maybe that was necessary for those first couple of months out from nursing.  But now, I'm no longer concerned that he's missing it and now we are truly reconnecting in a way that can continue for a long time.  Such a relief.

Days 67-71

Can't believe it's the last week of summer vacation for I.  It really has been a great summer and when I think of her going back to school, my eyes tear up.  But that's a good thing.

Last Friday, day 67, was a normal get things done kind of day.  All week our realtor has been going back and forth with some people and we finally agreed to their counter to our counter and I signed the contract that night to open escrow on Monday.  Pretty exciting.

Saturday I went for a vigorous hike at the lake while D. was sleeping and then instead of heading to the gym, I surprised my brother by showing up for a few hours at a karate tournament being held in San Diego.  We'll leave the conniving girlfriend out of this story for sake of time and say that it turned out fine after some annoying moments and he and I finally have a lunch together on our calendars to look forward to.  Big hugs and a kiss and good feelings between us when I left and that is what is important.  At the nighttime event, the girlfriend pissed off my mom big time and my dad too so we've got to somehow get her out of here.  That being said, this is the first girlfriend of his (and he's had many) that we do not like.  All the others became part of the family.

Sunday, I surprised I. with going ice skating just the two of us.  During the school year she had a field trip to the rink and really liked it so had been asking about it for awhile.  I was kind of concerned for myself since I hadn't ice skated in 30 years or so.  Gosh that makes me sound older than dirt and I certainly don't feel like that!  It appears to be like riding a bike and I didn't fall and even was able to maintain my balance while keeping I. upright which was difficult most of the time.  She had a good time and even though my foot felt like it had a bone bruise most of the time, I enjoyed her enjoying our time. 

Saturday night our realtor said that the people who were buying our home wanting to come and see it again on Sunday so we of course said sure but I had a bad feeling about it.  So bad that on Monday morning, I texted our agent to verify that we were going into escrow that morning.  Come to find out, now the buyers weren't sure if the layout would work for their young children and ultimately they pulled out.  I was so pissed off since my understanding is that you make up your mind BEFORE you sign a contract, not after.  On Friday I had spent time on the phone with our lender working out details and getting him more info in preparation for going out and making offers.  But no, back to the drawing board we go.  On a good note, we all went to swim class together (the last one for all 3 of us) and I.'s orthodontic consultation went well with us being told she wouldn't need to worry about anything until she's 12 or so.  Even then, it doesn't sound like it's going to be a huge thing so that is great.

Today we finally had Melissa's birthday brunch and it went fantastic.  My parents came over and picked up I. for a few days by herself with them so that they can do things that they can't do when D. is over there, ie. LEGOLAND and a movie.  So D. and I were on our own this afternoon.  We went grocery shopping where he had a piece of cheddar cheese, was offered a banana from the fruit guy and then conned his way into a slice of avocado.  Pretty awesome trip for him!  Then we came home for a late rest and then since I didn't need to get him in bed until 5:45, when I got him up we went over to the lake for a bike ride - over 5 miles in about 35 minutes.  Not bad.  It's amazing how simple it is to get  one kid in the bath and bed.  Like a cake walk!

Trying to figure out some different activities we might do tomorrow since I don't know how his sleep schedule is going to go.  When I. is here, once he wakes up in the morning, he stays up because she's up and turning on the light.  However, without her, he may fall back to sleep.  I plan on getting up 30 minutes earlier to see if I can catch him before he falls back asleep because then our day won't be broken in half by a long nap.  I'm not sure it will work, thus the multiple activities that I can mix and match.  Regardless, it should be a good day.

Days 50-52

Day 50 of summer was my little guy's 2nd birthday.  I just can't believe it.  I. and I sang him Happy Birthday while he was still in the crib and though he didn't completely understand, he knew we were singing to him and that made him happy.  Melissa and Caroline came over for a playdate and after I. came home from VBS, we had a little party with cupcakes that Melissa had brought over and D. opened the two presents they had gotten him.  This year, he definitely understands how to open a present up and when he saw that it was an airplane with people and a door that opened and closed, he was in love and spent the rest of the time inspecting its wheels and opening and closing the door.  Plus it plays music so it really can't get any better than that.  He was so jazzed about it that I let him take it in the crib with him during afternoon rest time.  Sunday will be our family party and the girls will be coming down by train Saturday night so that will be exciting for everyone.  It will be a full house!

Yesterday was I.'s last day of VBS.  I also had to run to Home Depot this morning to get some items we will need in order to pass house inspection which was supposed to have happened next Monday.  I. and I played pretend restaurant and served up 21 of her stuffed animals with various menu items which was fun.

This morning my realtor let me know that our buyer backed out due to a family emergency.  I don't know that I buy that.  Last night I spent hours getting all these financial statements together for the lender so that he can provide our realtor with a preapproval document to make us more attractive buyers.  Being contingent makes us unattractive. On top of that, in this market you have to include with your bid/offer a biography of your family introducing yourselves and telling why they should accept your bid.  It also makes you "more attractive".   This whole process could give you a complex I swear.  Anyways, now we're back to square one with showings and a need to keep everything perfect while having 2 little ones underfoot.  That part really sucks.  The only good I can see of this is that the inventory has dropped significantly the last week so I was starting to feel stressed that now our house was in escrow and now there were no homes coming on the market.  Guess we'll see what happens.

The rest of the day was good except of course bedtime when the kids were tired and bouncing off the walls and my patience was running out.  The last 2 weeks since we got home V. has worked all 5 weekdays in Arizona so it's been a little rough on me.  Today though I had planned a short adventure for the 3 of us and it turned out really well.  We caught the trolley just east of Qualcomm and then rode it about 4 stops to Mission Valley where it dropped us off right in front of Sammy's Wood Fired Pizza.  We had lunch there, walked around for 20 minutes or so and caught the trolley back to our car.  Both kiddos were so excited and for the rest of the day, D. kept making the sign for train because he was so thrilled by the whole thing.  I got the idea when V. and I took the trolley to the game on Sunday and I was looking out the window at the stops.  So glad we did it and both kids were really well mannered.  A good day with good memories made!

Day 37

Today was the last full day of vacation with the kiddos. While D. Took his morning nap, I played rummy and other games with I. And then we all went to the pools once D. Got up until about 1:30.

It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile.  Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her.  So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.

I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast.  As always, why am I surprised.  When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad.  I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me.  It's been fun to be silly and playing with them.  Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.

Days 32-36

We successfully made it out to Palm Desert on Thursday (it's Monday night now).  The weather overall has been pretty good, not at all like a normal July more like early June weather. We've been going to the pool a lot of course which both the kiddos love. This year I. Is old enough to make some friends in the pool to play with which takes some pressure off of me. D. Just loves running and jumping and eating so the dynamics have changed again.  It's been intersting to watch other families with kids at different ages and say to myself, "Oh that's what's coming next?"  As demanding as these young stages are like I told V. Other parents with older or grown up kids probably look at us and think that this is the exhausting stage but some of the sweetest times and memories. We should relish these times before they are gone.

This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands.  A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense.  Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy.  D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home.  When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them.  That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing.  There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that.  It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.

Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive.  The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend.  It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better.   I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.

Day 28 Through 31

Sunday was day 28th and was different from a regular Sunday in that we went and looked at 2 houses with our realtor.  "We" being V., I and the kiddos.  First time he's looked with us.  It felt different in a good way like we were investing in our life together with kids.  Last time we were looking it was just the two of us, though with a bun in the oven almost ready to come out.  However, until you have an actual kid, it's still basically just the two of you.

Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip.  Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile.  After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him.  I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep.  It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin.  It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek.  I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib.  I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin.  It's such a special thing.

Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal.  My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00.  Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well.  One day closer to vacation.

Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert.  We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route.  I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know.  All I do know is that I am ready to get away.  The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert.  My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert.  Hoping that everything goes smoothly.

The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing.  No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks.  Plus some other bummer stuff.  So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too.  Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call?  No response all day long.  Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all.  Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest.  I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy.  We'll see.

Day 22 & 23

There have been so many times that I will be driving in the car and I'll glance back at D. and he'll be sitting there diagonally from me in the back seat, looking at me.  I'll look him in the eye and smile, a genuine smile, because he's just so doggone cute looking and he gives me this sweet little smile with his perfect rosebud lips pressed together.  It inspires me to glance back again (if we're at a red light) and smile at him again just to see his little smile grow bigger.  What's so amazing and what hits me directly in the heart is that it's the same exact smile as when he was a mere 1/2 hour old.  Well, let me rephrase...he didn't exactly "smile" when he was first born but he did have his lips together in the most serene, content look and that is what this smile is - just a happy, I-love-you-Mommy look that I only get when we're in the car together.  Makes my heart melt, do flip flops and my whole being go all gushy.

 

D. 30 minutes old

 

Yesterday while D. napped, I. and I got things done around the house and then we all went to swim class.  In the afternoon, I. and I played a game and then we went to the chiropractor.  It doesn't sound like a memorable day but we had a good day.  I did a funny dance after I lost the game to I. because it was a close one and she thought that was hilarious. Our wonderful summer just continues on thankfully.

 

Today I. went to summer day camp at her school for swim day and I decided to run up to LEGOLAND water park for a fun time and a research trip all rolled into one.  We had never been to the water park before and I had no idea if I could successfully keep both kiddos happy since they might want to be in different sections and if there's only one of me that could be a problem.

 

 

We got there and ate lunch and then went to the section for littler kids and my goodness, did D. enjoy himself.  With all his fussiness the last 2 weeks at the parties, I kind of anticipated some problems but he went in full tilt and we had the best time.  He ran around squealing with joy and my face hurt from smiling so much as I watched him.  Even when it was time to go and change clothes to go get I. from camp, he didn't throw a fit, probably because he was a little hungry and I enticed him with the last piece of pizza from lunch.  Still, he was a hundred times better than the last 2 weekends so maybe it's not the party situation and him having a hard time dealing with it.  Perhaps it's the number of people around him that he knows and somehow that makes him feel insecure with me.  Because today there were plenty of people around and he was fine separating from me and running around solo.  Or maybe it's because I. wasn't there?  I don't know but I'll have to keep mixing things up and seeing if I can figure it out.  The bottom line of the water park was that I think I. would have a good time if I took them by myself but she would have a better time if I took them with other people to free us two girls to go explore the bigger kid attractions as well. 

 

I find myself more relaxed this summer with the kiddos especially I.  I find more humor in what she says instead of getting annoyed.  She's been such a joy to be around for the most part, less whiny and complaining, more positive and cheerful and more affectionate with me.  I've found more patience to deal with the few times when she's reverted back to Eeyore.  I've had time to talk with her about things in the distant future, both life lessons and tips as well as my hopes for her and I and our relationship. I've talked about how important it is for her to find a man that she is friends with and who makes her laugh because life can be difficult and if you don't like the person you are married to, life will be really long and tiring.  We've talked about how I will be a Bubbi to her kids and that I will help her when her kiddos are driving her crazy.  Yesterday we were talking about how Mommy will always be there through all the hard times that come with life and whether she would want me there when she has her babies (she said she did).  I told her I could really help encourage her when she has her babies because I've been through both a baby out of my tummy and one out the other way so I know what I'm talking about.  She liked that.  Of course my cynical side tells me I'm delusional that she is going to want this 20 years down the line but I am going to try to remain optimistic.  Maybe it's strange but I can tell she enjoys it though on some level it touches her to a point that she gets shy and embarrassed but later it comes out in the form of loving affection from her both physically and verbally so I think it's good.  I can only hope and pray for the best outcome.

Day 20 & 21

Yesterday I got to sleep until 9am and it was decadent.  I did some things around the house and then V. and I went to the gym.  We had just enough time to relax for a little while before it was time to go and get the kiddos.  On the way home, we went to Fidel's for linner and we really had a nice time.  It felt good to have my kiddos with me.

Today we went to the gym and then I took I. for a special afternoon to Belmont Park.  She had received a free unlimited ride pass for all the books she had read and so today was the day we used it.  We went on a bunch of rides and had a really good time.  It was nice to have time with my big girl.  Needless to say, we were pooped by the time we got home.  The boys had good one on one time with each other and it was the first time that V. had to make a meal and put him down for a nap since he's been born.  It's about time. 

Yesterday also marked D. turning 23 months old.  I can't believe it.  This time of year takes me right back like it was yesterday to the time right before he was born.  Really makes me emotional but I have to say that I do love hearing how D. says "Momma", he really says it with love and drags it out to make it sound truly meaningful.

Day 6 & 7

First weekend of summer, good fun linner yesterday with the family. Today I. had a party this afternoon for a classmate and when she came home there was time for her to go over her school stuff with V. and play with D.   I know that sounds pretty peaceful but there was plenty of shrieking, yelling and crying.  Tomorrow night will be my first night in 7 nights where I'll be on my own at bedtime wrangling and juggling both kids.  Oh boy.

Sweet Day

One of those nothing really spectacular but still a great day with D. kind of days.  Took I. to school, put D. down for what appears to be his one and only nap of the day and got some house projects done. 

When D. got up, we did a little remedial shopping at Vons, dropped a Goodwill donation off, and then went to the library to hang out, get some books, and D. went up and down (times about 25) the stairs in the kids' section. It was cold and windy outside so this was my attempt at getting him some exercise without exposing him to God knows what at the indoor playgrounds. 

After that we went home, had lunch, and played together after he played by himself for awhile.  Ah, second time moms know so much more....

V. was home right after the kids' dinnertime and watching D.'s reaction to hearing the garage door opening was really something. While I was getting D. ready for afternoon rest time, I told him that V. would be home for bathtime and told him in terms that he would understand.  He was visibly excited and then when the garage door opened, he ran to me with his arms up for "pick me up".  After we went down to the garage and V. got out of the car, D. shrieked "Dadda" and then laid his smiling face against my chest and patted my back with his other hand. 

So sweet.

I have deciphered what D.'s 2nd word is or in this case a phrase.  First word Dadda of course, and after several days of hearing a similar pattern and cadence of words, I figured out he was saying "What's that?"  When I repeated it back to him, he got excited and said it again so I figured I'm right.  It's amazing to see his understanding of words - slowly but surely he and we are getting there.

Positive Feedback Day One

Today I made a point of not only giving 5 positive messages to I. but also was dedicated to catching her when she was being good.  So here's the results for Day 1.

This morning was a little tough, thankfully I got in 2 positive comments in before we headed to school because I. was late in getting in the car and thus was tardy a 2nd day in a row.  I don't think she was tardy even 1 day the whole kindergarten year to put it in perspective. 

I reminded myself before picking her up about being positive and physically affectionate.  I know I sound like some kind of Mommy Dearest - I mean who needs to remind themselves to be affectionate.  To put it in perspective, I. has been up since 4:30am and by 3:30, she's spent mentally, emotionally, and physically.  When I pick her up from school is how most kids feel (and act) at 6:30/7:30 at night.  Short fused and not coping too well.

However, I made a concerted effort to compliment her sometimes second handedly to D., stop and listen to her, give her physical affection and you know what, she blossomed today.  Cheerful, patient, loving, and bedtime was happy and calm.

It's not that I don't do some of these things each day because I do.  It's just that in order to do ALL of these things when I'm tired and am dealing with 2 tired, cranky children takes a mentally concerted effort.

Confession...though my intestines didn't much like the caffeine, I think it may have helped with my afternoon and evening efforts.

The Download

Back from our trip to Idyllwild, trying to hold onto the magic of the vacation.  It's been awhile, I think before our Puerto Rico trip the summer of 2010, that we've had a really good, stress-free, drama-free vacation.  We made it up 30 minutes before the snow started falling and luckily I had packed enough food for us because we weren't able to leave the house until the day we were due to check out.  Lots of snow gave I. and I much playing time, D. not so much because he was sick with a wicked cold and cough.  V.'s back held up pretty well (an oddity for vacations) and my shoulder problems actually got better during the vacation.  I got to read some magazines and books (not whole books like pre-kids but at least partial ones) and got to play with my kids without the never ending list of things that need to be done like I have when I'm at home.  It was fun to play in the snow in the morning with I., come in and play cards or do a puzzle while D. was still napping and then play a little more after rest time in the afternoon.  V. got cabin fever by the 4th day which is understandable but me being the stay at home parent, I was just enjoying having a balance of me time and enjoying my kids.  Here's some pics:

I'm so thankful that we finally had a great vacation and we made it down in one piece, thanks to V. and I working as a team putting the chains on and with even more difficulty, lying on the street trying to get those darn things off.  It took about a half an hour but with cool heads and persistence, we got them off.

Now looking forward to this Puerto Rico trip...I thought being weaned like I. did was harsh but it's nothing compared to weaning a kid who enjoys his nursing sessions.  We were down to 3 but last Friday we went to Legoland and missed one of those feedings which I thought could kick off losing the second nap time feeding.  Friday was fine but Saturday when it was time for afternoon nap and he realized I wasn't going to nurse him, it was horrible.  He arched his back, thrashed around and when he realized it just wasn't happening, he just cried like his heart was broken.  It killed me (it still kills me to think about it) and we both cried as I put him down in his bed.  Today I took him up earlier so that just he and I could play just the two of us and snuggle together as we read and sang and when I put him down, he seemed more satisfied and happy which was a blessing for both of us.  It's been awhile that D. and I have had time just the two of us to play together.

That said, it's a painful process for both me and D.  I can feel my hormones changing and I'm relishing these nursing sessions since we're in the final days.  I'm still anguishing about prematurely weaning him and I have to admit still wondering if there would be any milk after being gone for 5-6 days.  So much to think about.

Snuggle Day

I'm not sure what was going on today but D. was on high stranger alert today and additionally wanted snuggle time.  I have to say that there were no complaints from me.  Any day that includes extra loving, snuggle, and feeling safe time is a great day for me.

Having my baby boy run to me with his outstretched arms and then rest his head against my chest to snuggle when I picked him up was wonderful.  I'm teaching him how to hug, one step up from "giving love" which is more of a head butt, and now he's learning how to blow kisses, mostly to I. when she's walking into class but sometimes when we're driving in the car too.  He's really an affectionate child and I love it.

While we were snuggling, I told D. that Dada would be home later to rub a dub dub with D. and D. could kick kick kick with Dada.  The kids haven't seen V. since Sunday.  After I said this, D. quietly said, "Dada, yeah."  It was so sweet and made my heart melt.  The rest of his waking hours, he was shrieking or saying "Dada" and when V. arrived, D. was so excited, kicking and shrieking like crazy.  I know it made V. feel happy.

Thanksgiving Weekend

We had fun during Thanksgiving vacation.  We went to the Zoo but didn't see much and then headed to the Wild Animal Park the next day and enjoyed seeing various animals and a soft serve cone.  It was D.'s first time walking in the petting zoo and he went and gave each goat a head butt (kiss D. style) just as his sister did 6 years ago.  Head butts must be in our genetic double helix.

Thanksgiving Day went well - in the morning, I. and I baked pumpkin bread to take to Bubbi and Bobbi's house for breakfast while she was there for the long weekend and then made a side dish for Thanksgiving dinner.  Unfortunately V. was not feeling well at all and his back was killing him.  B. had to work so the girls couldn't make it down for the day, a first since V. and I have been together.  I made D. a full scale Thanksgiving plate with turkey, stuffing, green beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries and pumpkin pie and he ate all of it.  Unbelievable!

I. stayed at Bubbi and Bobbi's house for the weekend, enjoying both a Legoland and Zoo visit while D. enjoyed his only child status for the weekend.  V. and I. took him to a park one day, out for linner another day and enjoyed a date night as well.  I swear if D. had been our first we would have had a second kid soon thereafter - he's that easy.

UNTIL...this morning I dropped the pre-morning 8:45am feeding.  I've been dropping a feeding about once a month since he turned a year.  Actually not because I really want to which makes it worse.  But because I've read that weaning after 18 months is not good developmentally and because V. may score on a week long trip to Puerto Rico (really, it had to be Puerto Rico?) in February if he makes all of his annual financial goals which is a big deal.  So I've been feeling a little under the gun.  This morning I cut out (I hate the term "cut out") D.'s morning nap nursing (8:40am) figuring that he had just had a good size morning nursing at 6:45am, so maybe it wouldn't be a big deal.  Well, it was for both of us.  We took I. to school and instead of coming home and nestling in the chair for a nursing and then nap, I read 2 books to him, swaddled him, sang to him and then put him down to sleep.  He looked up at me with this shocked look but remained silent until after I left the room and he realized I was gone.  Then he cried. By then I was already crying because things felt so incomplete, so not right.  Thankfully he cried for a little while and then went to sleep.

However, after we went grocery shopping this morning and I fed him lunch, he melted down, crying inconsolably and getting so angry at the sippy cup that I had to hide it away.  I gave up on eating lunch and we just did things that put him physically against me, snuggling and playing.  When it was time for afternoon nap, he was wiped out and when I nursed him, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell asleep.  For him, I think it's more of a sucking thing than an emotional thing.  I truly hope that tomorrow will go a little better.

Mother/Daughter Bonding

Did you know that math homework can make the mother/daughter bond grow by leaps and bounds?  Strange as it may seem, it appears to be true in our home which considering that our home is a place of all sorts of strangeness I shouldn't be surprised.

The most recent occurrence of this was yesterday when I. arrived home with some math homework, a little tricky than normal.  She tried her best but asked me to help her understand it.  After looking at it, I showed her a way to study the chart first and organize in such a way that when it came time to answer the questions, all she had to do was some simple calculations instead of having to redo the math for each row every single time.  It obviously made sense to her because her brow immediately became unfurrowed and as she was able to easily answer the questions that were once hard to her, she became excited.  It all culminated with her giving me a big hug and telling me that I was the best mommy, that she loved me so much, and that she loved doing math homework together.   It's happened before where I will show her some trick to help simplify her math homework, telling her that she needs to remember the trick so that she can use it on her test where I will not be there to help her.  She's come home after the test and tells me, "I used your trick!" and proudly shows me the 100% on her test.

I'm a big proponent of kids doing their own homework so usually my help is along the lines of simply organizing information so that in order to answer the questions, she's basically just analyzing what she's already done.  She's still doing the math but just not having to do the same calculation over and over to answer the questions.  What I am thankful for is that her mind appears, at least in a mathematical sense, to work much like mine which is what is allowing our brain connection over math homework.  I know from my own school days that in math, if the teacher has a way of explaining it that you don't understand, you're not going to get it and vice versa, if you find a math teacher that you can understand practically the first time around, you should try to take as many math courses as possible from that person.  I remember taking a statistics course in college.  I would do the reading and the homework and understand the material until I went to class and listened to the teacher.  Her explanation of the lesson would have me so confused by the end of class that I just stopped going to class.  I read the book, did the homework, showed up for the tests, and got an A.

Who knew that I would be thankful for math homework?!

Such Great Times But Then...

I feel like I've been recapturing summer vacation with D. these last couple of weeks.  Last Thursday we went to the zoo and then Friday we headed to the beach.  It was a great though exhausting time as this was our first foray to the beach with D. as a bonafide walker.  It went something like this:  D. running straight for the water, Me grabbing him before a wave knocked him over, Me carrying D. back up towards the sand, putting D. down.  D. making a U turn, running straight towards the horizon as fast as he could, Me grabbing D....well you get the idea.  Not what I would call relaxing but I didn't expect it to be.   There were moments of us playing in the sand and eating our lunch but aside from that it was all about running, monitoring the waves and grabbing D. before he got clobbered.  The squeals of joy and smiles on his face were proof enough of a good day.  Unfortunately with just myself on duty, I was not able to capture these images without risking D. getting more than a mouthful of ocean water.

Today it was still warm in our neck of the woods so I packed our car and we headed out to the coast, Mission Bay to be specific.  Perfect weather there - warm sun, cool breeze that gave D. goosebumps after awhile.  It was our maiden voyage of D. riding on my bike which takes some getting used to balance-wise; I mean 25 lbs. on the back of your bike takes some getting used to.  I got this bike seat when I. was older than D. and I didn't get to use it all that much.  I'm not sure exactly why though probably a combination of it was a little inconvenient to get the bike in the car, I. not completely happy being confined to the seat, and me being a little nervous about having my child on the back of a 2 wheeled bike.  Every time I saw that infant bike seat, I felt regret so when D. was born, I was determined to use it more this time around.

We had a great time.  D. loved riding around on the bike - his temperament is more laid back so he was pretty happy back there looking around and started singing after awhile.  When he did get bored, he started lifting my shirt up in back to let me know we were on borrowed time.  I packed a picnic lunch which we enjoyed, he chased some ducks and seagulls, made friends with some other 14 month olds and we called it a day...or rather time for a nap.

As I drove home, I was happy.  I was listening to music and to D. happily devouring "Goodnight Moon" in the backseat when I had a flash of an emotional memory.  Emotional memory being when your body is flooded with feel-good feelings where you remember exactly how you felt, where you were, what was happening.  I was at Ruth Chris' (Del Mar) bar sitting with Mark after work.  It had probably been a long battle filled day but I had found my refuge on a barstool next to Mark and we were talking and laughing and sometimes quietly sitting and digesting the day.  The thing about Mark is that I could just be and because he was my friend, not my boyfriend, my fiance, or spouse, he didn't feel the pressure to solve my problems.  He listened, offered his thoughts, and made me laugh.  When all else failed, he distracted me with a story.  The emotional memory was of warmth and soothing, like I was safe and had come home and above all, that I was not alone and content in the moment despite what was going on in the outside world.

My life is good and I am happy.  My marriage is very good and healthy.  My children are happy, thriving and healthy and I am able to enjoy them.  But when that emotional memory hit as I was driving home today, there  was a painful twinge and aching sadness.  I miss Mark and the relationship that we may have had laughing about our mutual sons.  I may have horrified him with my descriptions of D.'s testosterone surges as I call them just as I horrified him back in the day with what I labelled "got them by the ball sacks".  He didn't get to see me navigate with a son and I know we would have had fun conversing about it for many decades to come.

But concentrating on what is and trying to leave behind and just remember what might have been, I push on.

One of Those Great Days

D. and I headed to the zoo today when he got up from nap.  Even though we were only able to stay for a short time (1.5 hours) before afternoon nap, we had the best time.  I would have never imagined having so much fun in so short a time.  It wasn't that we did SO much, it was what we did that made it special.  Today we saw bears, giraffes, elephants, zebras, monkeys and a few other animals that he had never seen before.  Then I fed him some lunch, put his socks on and let him walk around.  He still refuses to walk in shoes, thus the socks to provide some protection to his tootsies.

What made it special was sharing that moment of him seeing animals he's never seen before.  And then while we were looking at the elephants, he tipped his head over into mine (his version of a kiss) and then turned his face towards mine so that we were lip to lip.  I was kissing him and he was babbling quietly in this happy way and then he put his hands gently on my face and we just stayed like this for a little while.  Another instance of the more time he and I get to spend one on one, the more affectionate he is with me.  Such a wonderful benefit!

It's a moment I won't forget but just in case it begins to dim, I have it captured here to help me remember.  Such a moment in time!

First Day of First Grade

I'm happy and relieved to say that I. had a great first day.  This morning she was still lamenting not getting to play with D. but when I picked her up, she ran over with a big smile and kisses for both of us, D. first of course.  She loved her day and today was pretty much learning rules and figuring out where the kids' learning levels were at.  I think she's going to rock it this year.  Her teacher and I have already talked twice about her advanced levels in math and reading so I feel good that we are on the same page - she doesn't need extra homework or more homework, she just needs challenging homework.  This is one of the big reasons why we are sending I. to private school and making the investment.  If she was in public school, there would be around 33 kids in her first grade class, hers has 18.  She was in such a good mood and couldn't wait for tomorrow to head back to school.

D. and I went to music class and then out to lunch with our music class friends which was fun.  By the time we got home, it was time for nap time and then I had to wake D. up from nap to go get I. from school.  A surprisingly fast day though I did get a lot done, some laundry, making I.'s and D.'s breakfasts plus I.'s lunch, and fitting in 30 minutes of hard exercise.  My goal this fall is to fit in 3-30 minute home sessions of exercise during the week to supplement my weekend workouts.  This week will be one trying to find balance between  fun/leisure and getting things done both when I. is in school and when she is out of school.

Beach Day

Last day of summer vacation, went to meet I.'s first grade teacher at school by 8:30, put dinner in the crock pot when we got home, and as soon as D. got up from nap we headed to the beach.  It was a perfect beach day.  Not humid, cool breeze, and warm sun.  The water was cool but once you got used to it, it was just nice.  Last time we went to the beach it was humid so even though we were at the beach, we were sweating but not today.  It was great.  The first hour, D. was crawling full tilt straight towards the ocean so it was a little stressful for me, trying to grab him before waves smashed into him, walk him back up the sand, put him down only to have him go right back to the water.  After he ate and played in the sand, he was a little more tame when it came to the water so I was able to take a few deep breaths, feel the breeze on my face and appreciate the turquoise color of the water.  Made me think briefly about walking on Laguna Beach a couple of years ago on my birthday with V. with D. in my belly (though at that time I didn't know if it was a boy or girl).  I snapped back quickly from the reminiscing.  For one, to make sure D. was safe and two, because although these days may be physically and emotionally tasking, they are times to remember, times that will not come again, and times so sweet (but no time to take pictures).

Watching I. frolic in the waves without a care in the world, happy, and not one bit self-conscious as she pulled faces, crossed eyes, and fell awkwardly made me extremely happy.  This is her time to do this, to feel this and I hope she will be able to feel this way as long as possible.  One of my goals is to make sure she is not self conscious about her body by keeping silent on any body issues I have and not bring the subject up.  I try to focus on healthy balance and eating and how the body uses each element (protein vs. carbohydrate).  My mom still talks a lot about eating less, how much she weighs, and how small a pant size she is fitting in.  It causes me to be more self critical and I never want I. to be affected by my struggles.  Each of us have enough struggles, especially physical appearance for girls, and no one needs to be dealing with their own plus their mother's.  I packed a special box of animal crackers for I. and I for our beach day and she was so excited. It was a great last summer vacation day.

So that was the good of the day.  The rough part of the day was a carry-over from last night.  I'm not giving details but all I can say is that I. is a direct knock off of V. when it comes to poking the lion through the cage and then objecting when the lion roars.  Also in the apology realm and who is more hard hearted, I"m not sure who is worst.  I'll know in the next 3 days.

Thankfulness

This morning I got D. up and offered him a nursing opportunity to which he turned his head away and fussed so I quickly gathered him up and we headed downstairs to get some breakfast in him. The last couple of days I haven't gotten him up at 10:30pm for a feeding since he wasn't eating so he's pretty hungry by 7am.  He ate a big breakfast which included 4 oz of breast milk in his oatmeal to try to keep him hydrated and then I put him down to play which he normally is happy about.  Not this morning, he cried and cried and I had to hold him in my lap or on my hip until it was time to head up for his nap around 8:45.

We sat down in the rocking chair and I wasn't going to offer nursing to him since he had just refused 2 hours earlier and had had a filling breakfast.  Then he pointed at the nursing pillow which was lying on the ground.  He's in that pointing stage where he wants you to tell him what he is pointing at so I said, "That's our pillow for milk."  I leaned him back against me to get ready to read to him and he shocked me by taking his hand and putting it on my chest and tugging up on my shirt.  He has never done that before.  Well, I needed no additional encouragement and to my surprise, he began nursing.  The effect it had on him was immediate.  His eyes half closed and his hand began gently moving up and down my arm.  D. is a real boy-boy and while he does like to be hugged and held and give kisses, he often times follows up these nice things with a bite, or a pinch, or a hair pull - not very gentle at times.  But he was back in his secure, happy place and I could feel his whole body just relax, really relax for the first time in days.  It was a miracle.  How did I feel?  Nervous at first that he wouldn't have enough patience for the milk to let down but then I could see that he was just happy to be back in the crook of my arm and sucking so I relaxed and enjoyed and thanked God.

Out of all this, we did reduce feedings by one, the 10:30 feeding, which is a nice one for me to have eliminated especially with school starting next week and the alarm going off earlier.  I can get in bed and relax reading earlier to compensate for the earlier wake up time.  I'm not looking to breastfeed D. until he's 3 or until I feel ready to stop.  I'm just wanting to do it gradually so that neither of us is emotionally bereft like we both were these last 4 days.  Of course there are times when I dream of a Vegas trip or a weekend away but he's still really young and Vegas or Laguna Beach or wherever will still be there when I'm able to go.  Having D. at this age and experiencing our bond will not be.  I will blink my eyes and he'll be taller than me, with a deep voice and a hairy chest if he's anything like his father and I'll wonder where the time went.

So for now, we'll continue and make changes in our own time.