I've been reading my doula's account of D.'s birth story and it takes me right back to those moments. I remember exactly how I felt, what I was thinking and what was being said to me. I remember the "oh shit" moment when the doctor came in to give the "we might have to do a C-section" speech to me and how I ignored her and just concentrated on what was happening and 10 minutes later was at the point of pushing which negated her C-section issue.
I read on and am amazed that I pushed for 2 1/2 hours. I would think I would have given up by that point. But I was determined to have you come out naturally, that had been my goal for 9 months and because of that I was focused. I lined up the doula to increase my chances and V. was right there helping this time around. Last time was disappointing but this time around he was a champ, encouraging me, pressing my lower back as hard as he could with every contraction to help with my pain, and fanning me in between contractions because I was so DAMN hot.
Such great memories and I revisited the high points with D. while I was rocking him at bedtime. He totally got it because he loved hearing about what we all thought of him when we first met him and afterwards he snuggled up tightly to my chest and when I put him in the crib, he spontaneously gave me big hugs and insisted on giving me kisses instead of the other way around. I also talked with I. about when she first met her brother and held him and it brought back nice, loving and maternal feelings to her.
A good way to end today.
Showing posts with label birthdays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthdays. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Days 53-65
I'm so behind on posting for the last couple of weeks. There's been a lot of good going on but unfortunately a lot of bad health ju-ju going on around us as well.
I think I'll just do a summary of the good stuff because there was a lot of it. We had D.'s birthday party and it was fun for him except for the fact that he didn't take his usual nap in the morning and so was pretty fried by the time I brought my homemade birthday cake out. His sisters came down so that made it special. V. did a big time disconnect in the middle of the party which really pissed me off and I had to hash it out with him at a later date. So that was kind of a bummer and also things were so hectic that I didn't even get a picture with my birthday boy which to me was the most upsetting thing. But he had fun and understood presents and toys and unwrapping and that was really fun to see.
We've had plenty of swim classes to enjoy, a beach day, a relaxing playdate with Melissa at her house and a few last days of summer camp at I.'s school. We've looked at plenty of houses in anticipation for our house someday reentering escrow.
Unfortunately I have been feeling anxious this week because my dad's health situation still has not been resolved and I feel as though it's a ticking time bomb. My parents just don't want to deal with health situations until they absolutely have to and it really angers me. I don't know what they are waiting for. But they rely on longtime doctors who are not really reliable and they don't follow up to make sure they are doing their jobs. Is there anything more important than that? And my FIL of course being basically terminally ill with bone cancer. It just makes me so sad. On top of that, Melissa was supposed to come over on Tuesday for her birthday celebration but her mom ended up in the ER and I told Melissa to just bring Caroline over here since her hubby was unavailable until 1ish. That was stressful since they have never left Caroline with anyone other than her mom but I was happy to help so that she could get to her mom's side. But it was stressful and exhausting.
It just feels like I'm surrounded by chaos and uncertainty and it makes my anxiety rise substantially. Hopefully I'll find a way to cope better with all these things that are swirling around and out of my control.
I think I'll just do a summary of the good stuff because there was a lot of it. We had D.'s birthday party and it was fun for him except for the fact that he didn't take his usual nap in the morning and so was pretty fried by the time I brought my homemade birthday cake out. His sisters came down so that made it special. V. did a big time disconnect in the middle of the party which really pissed me off and I had to hash it out with him at a later date. So that was kind of a bummer and also things were so hectic that I didn't even get a picture with my birthday boy which to me was the most upsetting thing. But he had fun and understood presents and toys and unwrapping and that was really fun to see.
We've had plenty of swim classes to enjoy, a beach day, a relaxing playdate with Melissa at her house and a few last days of summer camp at I.'s school. We've looked at plenty of houses in anticipation for our house someday reentering escrow.
Unfortunately I have been feeling anxious this week because my dad's health situation still has not been resolved and I feel as though it's a ticking time bomb. My parents just don't want to deal with health situations until they absolutely have to and it really angers me. I don't know what they are waiting for. But they rely on longtime doctors who are not really reliable and they don't follow up to make sure they are doing their jobs. Is there anything more important than that? And my FIL of course being basically terminally ill with bone cancer. It just makes me so sad. On top of that, Melissa was supposed to come over on Tuesday for her birthday celebration but her mom ended up in the ER and I told Melissa to just bring Caroline over here since her hubby was unavailable until 1ish. That was stressful since they have never left Caroline with anyone other than her mom but I was happy to help so that she could get to her mom's side. But it was stressful and exhausting.
It just feels like I'm surrounded by chaos and uncertainty and it makes my anxiety rise substantially. Hopefully I'll find a way to cope better with all these things that are swirling around and out of my control.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Days 50-52
Day 50 of summer was my little guy's 2nd birthday. I just can't believe it. I. and I sang him Happy Birthday while he was still in the crib and though he didn't completely understand, he knew we were singing to him and that made him happy. Melissa and Caroline came over for a playdate and after I. came home from VBS, we had a little party with cupcakes that Melissa had brought over and D. opened the two presents they had gotten him. This year, he definitely understands how to open a present up and when he saw that it was an airplane with people and a door that opened and closed, he was in love and spent the rest of the time inspecting its wheels and opening and closing the door. Plus it plays music so it really can't get any better than that. He was so jazzed about it that I let him take it in the crib with him during afternoon rest time. Sunday will be our family party and the girls will be coming down by train Saturday night so that will be exciting for everyone. It will be a full house!
Yesterday was I.'s last day of VBS. I also had to run to Home Depot this morning to get some items we will need in order to pass house inspection which was supposed to have happened next Monday. I. and I played pretend restaurant and served up 21 of her stuffed animals with various menu items which was fun.
This morning my realtor let me know that our buyer backed out due to a family emergency. I don't know that I buy that. Last night I spent hours getting all these financial statements together for the lender so that he can provide our realtor with a preapproval document to make us more attractive buyers. Being contingent makes us unattractive. On top of that, in this market you have to include with your bid/offer a biography of your family introducing yourselves and telling why they should accept your bid. It also makes you "more attractive". This whole process could give you a complex I swear. Anyways, now we're back to square one with showings and a need to keep everything perfect while having 2 little ones underfoot. That part really sucks. The only good I can see of this is that the inventory has dropped significantly the last week so I was starting to feel stressed that now our house was in escrow and now there were no homes coming on the market. Guess we'll see what happens.
The rest of the day was good except of course bedtime when the kids were tired and bouncing off the walls and my patience was running out. The last 2 weeks since we got home V. has worked all 5 weekdays in Arizona so it's been a little rough on me. Today though I had planned a short adventure for the 3 of us and it turned out really well. We caught the trolley just east of Qualcomm and then rode it about 4 stops to Mission Valley where it dropped us off right in front of Sammy's Wood Fired Pizza. We had lunch there, walked around for 20 minutes or so and caught the trolley back to our car. Both kiddos were so excited and for the rest of the day, D. kept making the sign for train because he was so thrilled by the whole thing. I got the idea when V. and I took the trolley to the game on Sunday and I was looking out the window at the stops. So glad we did it and both kids were really well mannered. A good day with good memories made!
Yesterday was I.'s last day of VBS. I also had to run to Home Depot this morning to get some items we will need in order to pass house inspection which was supposed to have happened next Monday. I. and I played pretend restaurant and served up 21 of her stuffed animals with various menu items which was fun.
This morning my realtor let me know that our buyer backed out due to a family emergency. I don't know that I buy that. Last night I spent hours getting all these financial statements together for the lender so that he can provide our realtor with a preapproval document to make us more attractive buyers. Being contingent makes us unattractive. On top of that, in this market you have to include with your bid/offer a biography of your family introducing yourselves and telling why they should accept your bid. It also makes you "more attractive". This whole process could give you a complex I swear. Anyways, now we're back to square one with showings and a need to keep everything perfect while having 2 little ones underfoot. That part really sucks. The only good I can see of this is that the inventory has dropped significantly the last week so I was starting to feel stressed that now our house was in escrow and now there were no homes coming on the market. Guess we'll see what happens.
The rest of the day was good except of course bedtime when the kids were tired and bouncing off the walls and my patience was running out. The last 2 weeks since we got home V. has worked all 5 weekdays in Arizona so it's been a little rough on me. Today though I had planned a short adventure for the 3 of us and it turned out really well. We caught the trolley just east of Qualcomm and then rode it about 4 stops to Mission Valley where it dropped us off right in front of Sammy's Wood Fired Pizza. We had lunch there, walked around for 20 minutes or so and caught the trolley back to our car. Both kiddos were so excited and for the rest of the day, D. kept making the sign for train because he was so thrilled by the whole thing. I got the idea when V. and I took the trolley to the game on Sunday and I was looking out the window at the stops. So glad we did it and both kids were really well mannered. A good day with good memories made!
Monday, August 5, 2013
Day 47-49
This summer has been all about multi-tasking as though I was not doing that already. Maybe now it's multi-multi tasking. It makes my head spin throughout the day and I cannot tell you the last time I was able to doze off in the afternoon to get a head wind for the rest of the day.
Saturday V. and I. went to the gym early while D. was taking a nap and then they went to a gift shop because I. wanted to get everyone some presents with the money she got last week through the SDSU study. So sweet...she got me, V. and D. something special. When they got home we looked at 3 houses, 2 of which I had seen already and had pegged as favorites. We were going to put an offer in on one of them because it was perfect but found out later in the afternoon that they already had an offer and did not want any contingent offers. I'm going to have to toughen up and get used to disappointment or I'm not going to survive this process. Seeing the kids happily run around the house and the beautiful yard and the remodeled kitchen and the pantry and how the house was completely brand new and the location was great...we were all excited and then the crash of no, they don't want your stupid contingent offer. This market is tough, really tough. Lots of cash buyers and low inventory mean that houses go into escrow within 3 days of going on the market. Plus they don't need to accept any contingent offers when someone is good to go. Trying not to stress out about this, some days more successful than others.
Sunday was our baseball date and we had a good time. Saw batting practice, walked around, and enjoyed the game even though the Yankees lost. Had a fun time at dinner at one of our favorite places.
Today I. went to VBS but I picked her up early for swimming class since we've missed several already and before we know it, it will be time to go back to school.
Today also was D.'s last day of being 1-something. It kills me. When I was cradling him and singing the regular bedtime songs tonight, I cried because this would be the last time I was looking into a 1 year old's face of mine. I've been rereading the document my doula wrote of his birth story tonight. It's absolutely priceless and reading it takes me right back in time. I really am thankful for both the documentation of it and for the actual happening of it - I've never felt such pain before in my life but I got to experience bringing D. out of me into this world the way I hoped for, then seeing his little serene face and big dark eyes staring into my face , his enthusiastic nursing within 5 minutes of being born, and this feeling of euphoria coursing through me for the rest of the day. Granted, 3 days later and for about 10 weeks after that I was in agony in various locations but the day and a half after I birthed D., I felt like I could run a marathon, climb a mountain, and do anything I wanted. It was such a beautiful experience.
But my baby boy will turn 2 tomorrow. Our music class friends will be coming over tomorrow to celebrate and distract Mommy from this fact, try to get her to focus on the positive (hmm, what is it again?). At least D. is close to me emotionally. When he gets hurt and is upset, he runs to me for comfort. He loves to snuggle against my chest at naptime, and rest time and bedtime. He can be spazzing out and hyper but as soon as I put his cheek against my skin, he immediately relaxes and snuggles in towards me. It's like our substitute for nursing and it's been working to soothe both of us.
I want to have tomorrow be all about happy and that's why I am trying to get through all the not so happy part tonight. I'll see tomorrow if I was successful in my goal.
Saturday V. and I. went to the gym early while D. was taking a nap and then they went to a gift shop because I. wanted to get everyone some presents with the money she got last week through the SDSU study. So sweet...she got me, V. and D. something special. When they got home we looked at 3 houses, 2 of which I had seen already and had pegged as favorites. We were going to put an offer in on one of them because it was perfect but found out later in the afternoon that they already had an offer and did not want any contingent offers. I'm going to have to toughen up and get used to disappointment or I'm not going to survive this process. Seeing the kids happily run around the house and the beautiful yard and the remodeled kitchen and the pantry and how the house was completely brand new and the location was great...we were all excited and then the crash of no, they don't want your stupid contingent offer. This market is tough, really tough. Lots of cash buyers and low inventory mean that houses go into escrow within 3 days of going on the market. Plus they don't need to accept any contingent offers when someone is good to go. Trying not to stress out about this, some days more successful than others.
Sunday was our baseball date and we had a good time. Saw batting practice, walked around, and enjoyed the game even though the Yankees lost. Had a fun time at dinner at one of our favorite places.
Today I. went to VBS but I picked her up early for swimming class since we've missed several already and before we know it, it will be time to go back to school.
Today also was D.'s last day of being 1-something. It kills me. When I was cradling him and singing the regular bedtime songs tonight, I cried because this would be the last time I was looking into a 1 year old's face of mine. I've been rereading the document my doula wrote of his birth story tonight. It's absolutely priceless and reading it takes me right back in time. I really am thankful for both the documentation of it and for the actual happening of it - I've never felt such pain before in my life but I got to experience bringing D. out of me into this world the way I hoped for, then seeing his little serene face and big dark eyes staring into my face , his enthusiastic nursing within 5 minutes of being born, and this feeling of euphoria coursing through me for the rest of the day. Granted, 3 days later and for about 10 weeks after that I was in agony in various locations but the day and a half after I birthed D., I felt like I could run a marathon, climb a mountain, and do anything I wanted. It was such a beautiful experience.
But my baby boy will turn 2 tomorrow. Our music class friends will be coming over tomorrow to celebrate and distract Mommy from this fact, try to get her to focus on the positive (hmm, what is it again?). At least D. is close to me emotionally. When he gets hurt and is upset, he runs to me for comfort. He loves to snuggle against my chest at naptime, and rest time and bedtime. He can be spazzing out and hyper but as soon as I put his cheek against my skin, he immediately relaxes and snuggles in towards me. It's like our substitute for nursing and it's been working to soothe both of us.
I want to have tomorrow be all about happy and that's why I am trying to get through all the not so happy part tonight. I'll see tomorrow if I was successful in my goal.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Day 12-14
Friday we successfully made it to the beach and now that I. is a big girl who can help carry things, our trip to the beach went pretty smoothly. We enjoyed the cold water and once D. got over his initial unease, he was happy to hold my hand and play in the waves while I. was running and jumping like a little nut. Our time went too quickly (always a good sign) and no one threw a fit when it was time to leave, which was a fantastic surprise.
Maybe our better than expected beach trip made me cocky, because I had high hopes for how much fun Caroline's birthday party was going to be on Saturday afternoon. It was a great party, with creative pretty decorations, wonderful ideas, and good food. The part that wasn't so great was that D. was whiny, conflicted, and shrieking at the top of his lungs for a least half of the time we were there. If I had known that I was going to have to be picking him up every 5 seconds literally, I would have worn a damn turtleneck so I wouldn't have to worry about flashing my bra (or more) to all the partygoers every time I had to pick him up or put him down. Finally, he settled down and played outside in the water (it was over 100 degrees) but by then, I was a sweaty, aggravated hot mess and just felt like going into the bathroom and crying. I guess I thought he'd be so happy to see Caroline's dog and play with her toys that it would be a cake walk. Well, it was far from a cake walk and it's never fun being the mom of "that kid". I can look back now and find the humor in it but at the time, I just wanted it all to end sooner rather than later.
Today V. had to get a couple of errands done that he's been procrastinating for months about and I. decided she would like to go with him. So after the gym and lunch, she went off with him, I got D. down for a rest and I'm posting this before I go rest for a little bit. I'm glad she went with him and that V. didn't make a big deal about it and try to talk her out of it. I remember doing things and going places with my dad and it was special. Especially so for I. since V. is gone all the time. V. didn't experience this time with the girls, I mean not really, so he doesn't understand that it can be the simplest times doing the most ordinary things that will stick in I.'s mind as a memory. I'll try to remember tonight to tell him that after the kiddos go to bed. Sometimes you have to point out the most mundane things to V. for him to realize something and even then, I know he'll poo-poo the idea that she'll remember these errand times in the future with fondness.
Maybe our better than expected beach trip made me cocky, because I had high hopes for how much fun Caroline's birthday party was going to be on Saturday afternoon. It was a great party, with creative pretty decorations, wonderful ideas, and good food. The part that wasn't so great was that D. was whiny, conflicted, and shrieking at the top of his lungs for a least half of the time we were there. If I had known that I was going to have to be picking him up every 5 seconds literally, I would have worn a damn turtleneck so I wouldn't have to worry about flashing my bra (or more) to all the partygoers every time I had to pick him up or put him down. Finally, he settled down and played outside in the water (it was over 100 degrees) but by then, I was a sweaty, aggravated hot mess and just felt like going into the bathroom and crying. I guess I thought he'd be so happy to see Caroline's dog and play with her toys that it would be a cake walk. Well, it was far from a cake walk and it's never fun being the mom of "that kid". I can look back now and find the humor in it but at the time, I just wanted it all to end sooner rather than later.
Today V. had to get a couple of errands done that he's been procrastinating for months about and I. decided she would like to go with him. So after the gym and lunch, she went off with him, I got D. down for a rest and I'm posting this before I go rest for a little bit. I'm glad she went with him and that V. didn't make a big deal about it and try to talk her out of it. I remember doing things and going places with my dad and it was special. Especially so for I. since V. is gone all the time. V. didn't experience this time with the girls, I mean not really, so he doesn't understand that it can be the simplest times doing the most ordinary things that will stick in I.'s mind as a memory. I'll try to remember tonight to tell him that after the kiddos go to bed. Sometimes you have to point out the most mundane things to V. for him to realize something and even then, I know he'll poo-poo the idea that she'll remember these errand times in the future with fondness.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Bday Weekend Break CatchUp
Really enjoying my birthday break in Laguna. Nice to be able to go through the day relaxed and without any demands. Basically floating through the day as I please. Did a lot of reading today and played games/had fun with V. That right there makes it a good, fun day and different than my usual day which is kind the whole point of getting a break - to do something completely different than normal.
Even while it was such a great day (as was Friday afternoon), I'm missing my kids. I miss I., my little turtle, who sometimes tries to act like I annoy her but who saves every single written word/note I give her and tapes them to her headboard. While I may not experience it demonstrably on a daily basis, I sense from other times, a fierce, deep love in her for me. One that sometimes she may be overwhelmed by and not sure how to handle and express.
I miss my baby boy - his exuberance, his zest for everything and his loving, affectionate, playful self. I miss his curls against my lips when I kiss him and the way he stares deeply in my eyes sometimes when I sing him his bedtime songs while he's lying in my arms.
The saying of how once you have kids, your heart walks outside of your body is so true. Because even while enjoying myself and V. and the break, at the end of the day there was a painful twinge tugging at my heart saying that something very importantly is missing . I know what it is, it's very simple - in over 2 days I haven't seen my kids, touched them, talked to them, hugged and kissed them and I deeply miss it.
Note to self...do not go over one day without talking to the kiddos on the phone. It would save a lot of heartache.
Even while it was such a great day (as was Friday afternoon), I'm missing my kids. I miss I., my little turtle, who sometimes tries to act like I annoy her but who saves every single written word/note I give her and tapes them to her headboard. While I may not experience it demonstrably on a daily basis, I sense from other times, a fierce, deep love in her for me. One that sometimes she may be overwhelmed by and not sure how to handle and express.
I miss my baby boy - his exuberance, his zest for everything and his loving, affectionate, playful self. I miss his curls against my lips when I kiss him and the way he stares deeply in my eyes sometimes when I sing him his bedtime songs while he's lying in my arms.
The saying of how once you have kids, your heart walks outside of your body is so true. Because even while enjoying myself and V. and the break, at the end of the day there was a painful twinge tugging at my heart saying that something very importantly is missing . I know what it is, it's very simple - in over 2 days I haven't seen my kids, touched them, talked to them, hugged and kissed them and I deeply miss it.
Note to self...do not go over one day without talking to the kiddos on the phone. It would save a lot of heartache.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
I's School Birthday Party
I. enjoyed her class birthday party at the YMCA.
Festive birthday cake:
Daddy lighting the candles because D. was melting down due to no rest/nap the day before and Mommy was having to baby carry him while he took a mini 30 minute nap. Normally not a big deal but Momma was suffering with sickness.
Most importantly is that I. had a really fun time. No birthday meltdowns just pure happiness.
Afterwards, Uncle A. and his girlfriend A. came over for birthday gifts and fun since they couldn't make it to the family party. Opening gifts and playing with them was a perfect end to the birthday weekend!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
I.'s Family Birthday Party Memories
Pictures from I.'s family birthday party. It was just my parents and D, V, and I but it was a good time nonetheless and pretty relaxed. Good thing since I was sick and in agony with a strep throat kind of sore throat.
Momma and the birthday girl
Peek a boo!
Bubbi, I. and Bobbi
Momma's homemade cake
Ready to blow out 7 candles!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Maturing
I won't do the details and pictures on I.'s birthday party today because I am sicker than a dog today and there is still tomorrow's party to have. But I did want to do a short blog because I realized something today. Even though I was feeling so sick, I still felt joy while decorating this morning with I. I was tired but I was still taking pleasure in climbing up chairs and counters hanging decorations and streamers as she was envisioning. When she was opening her presents, I still felt such happiness watching her excitement. And even tonight after the kids are in bed and I'm feeling like crap, I feel content.
So I realized that I have matured, not just as an adult which I did awhile ago, but as a parent. First comes infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and then parenthood. Parenthood maturity means that no matter what... I can be tired, sick, or worse but if I see my children truly happy and excited, I get caught up in that joy and leave whatever physical ailment behind. That progress makes me happy.
So I realized that I have matured, not just as an adult which I did awhile ago, but as a parent. First comes infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and then parenthood. Parenthood maturity means that no matter what... I can be tired, sick, or worse but if I see my children truly happy and excited, I get caught up in that joy and leave whatever physical ailment behind. That progress makes me happy.
Friday, November 9, 2012
I. Turns Seven
This day seven years ago, I became a mommy more specifically I.'s mommy. What a special title to be blessed with...one that I always figured would happen but as the years ticked by, I wondered if it would ever would come about.
But thankfully it did and since that first time I held her, I have loved my baby girl.
During the middle of the night feedings with her, I would pray for all the things I wished for her and her life. I may no longer have those nighttime feedings with her but I still pray for many of the same things for her along with some more specific things that she's working on. She is a great kid and as we found out today at parent/teacher conferences, she is known for being kind to everyone at school and is well liked.
I'm having a hard time writing tonight because I am really feeling sick and I have been since Tuesday. Every morning I wake up hoping that I will feel better only to make it to 9am and realize that I need to lie down while D. is napping if there is to be any hope of making it through until his afternoon nap. There has been so much to do in preparation for I.'s birthday: making cupcakes to take to I.'s class today, birthday cake and lunch baking for her party tomorrow and taking care of last minute details for her class party on Sunday. All this with a brutal sore throat, exhaustion, earache, sneezing and dry cough. Plus my oven isn't working properly causing baking disasters and extra cooking and aggravation the last 2 days and then of course the bracket holding the entire garage door assembly shirred off late this afternoon, leading to a hectic and exhausting bedtime session of me juggling the kids and calling for service (can't have an open garage door all weekend) while V. was seeing if he could fix it. I've really got to go to bed early tonight and pray that I feel better, even just a little bit, so that I can enjoy I.'s family party tomorrow as much as possible.
During the middle of the night feedings with her, I would pray for all the things I wished for her and her life. I may no longer have those nighttime feedings with her but I still pray for many of the same things for her along with some more specific things that she's working on. She is a great kid and as we found out today at parent/teacher conferences, she is known for being kind to everyone at school and is well liked.
I'm having a hard time writing tonight because I am really feeling sick and I have been since Tuesday. Every morning I wake up hoping that I will feel better only to make it to 9am and realize that I need to lie down while D. is napping if there is to be any hope of making it through until his afternoon nap. There has been so much to do in preparation for I.'s birthday: making cupcakes to take to I.'s class today, birthday cake and lunch baking for her party tomorrow and taking care of last minute details for her class party on Sunday. All this with a brutal sore throat, exhaustion, earache, sneezing and dry cough. Plus my oven isn't working properly causing baking disasters and extra cooking and aggravation the last 2 days and then of course the bracket holding the entire garage door assembly shirred off late this afternoon, leading to a hectic and exhausting bedtime session of me juggling the kids and calling for service (can't have an open garage door all weekend) while V. was seeing if he could fix it. I've really got to go to bed early tonight and pray that I feel better, even just a little bit, so that I can enjoy I.'s family party tomorrow as much as possible.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Birthday Eve
Tomorrow is D.'s first birthday and I just finished reading D.'s birth story that my doula wrote up from when the first contractions started until he was first suckling. It never ceases to fill me with wonder, thankfulness, and joy that I was able to have the experience I hoped for after much research and a whole lot of time and pain. It's truly a miracle.
I read it and it felt like yesterday literally that it happened. I remember the thoughts in my brain, the smells and conversations, the way I would pass it for 30 seconds in between contractions towards the end so thankful for the "rest" and how I thought, even with the pain and exhaustion, "Wow, this is so cool considering all my insomnia problems." God was really looking out for me and giving me what I needed to make it to my end goal - a healthy baby delivered that I could hold and nurse almost immediately.
What also is special that this last one is the only one V. got to experience in this way and it's been a neat memory for us together and also for him and D.
I was nursing D. tonight before bed and he was just such a character. Making his squeaking noises while he nursed and then grinning at me with a nipple in his mouth after I sneezed. He just is the happiest baby I've met and he's all mine - how lucky!
My plan for tomorrow is go to the beach for a couple of hours to enjoy D.'s birthday. Hopefully they will both sleep a little later than 4:45am so that the day will not be teetering on the edge of meltdowns, mostly on I.'s part since D. still takes 2 naps to alleviate the breakdowns. V. is working in San Diego so he should make it home for bath and bedtime which makes a huge difference in my day.
I can't believe it's been a year. Where has the time gone??
I read it and it felt like yesterday literally that it happened. I remember the thoughts in my brain, the smells and conversations, the way I would pass it for 30 seconds in between contractions towards the end so thankful for the "rest" and how I thought, even with the pain and exhaustion, "Wow, this is so cool considering all my insomnia problems." God was really looking out for me and giving me what I needed to make it to my end goal - a healthy baby delivered that I could hold and nurse almost immediately.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Pre-1st Birthday Post
We've had a couple of good days under our belt, I. and I. It's been really nice. Tonight I'm a mix of emotions. I'm excited for D. for his 1st birthday party tomorrow. He's never been at a party where he is the center of attention and I think he's really going to enjoy it.
But I still have this shocked feeling that we are already here, his first birthday. It just doesn't seem that long ago. For the last week, I've been reading each morning my pregnancy journal to see what I was feeling and experiencing a year ago and it's been bringing it all back.
It's going to be Sunday and Monday that are especially sentimental because Monday at 5:20am is when D. was finally born. There's a lot to be said for being sentimental but perhaps I am taking it too far. Or maybe not. As long as I'm able to enjoy D.'s birthday and enjoy his experiences with it, is what matters and that is what I am determined to do.
But I still have this shocked feeling that we are already here, his first birthday. It just doesn't seem that long ago. For the last week, I've been reading each morning my pregnancy journal to see what I was feeling and experiencing a year ago and it's been bringing it all back.
It's going to be Sunday and Monday that are especially sentimental because Monday at 5:20am is when D. was finally born. There's a lot to be said for being sentimental but perhaps I am taking it too far. Or maybe not. As long as I'm able to enjoy D.'s birthday and enjoy his experiences with it, is what matters and that is what I am determined to do.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Contemplation
My mom's birthday was yesterday so the morning was hectic trying to take care of things that would make her feel special. She doesn't enjoy birthdays so she calls it her "happy day" but the rest of us treat it as a birthday. The day before I had put in an order for flowers so yesterday after D. got up from his nap, we went and picked them up, then went to a bundt store cake to pick up a nice little cake that I decorated with additional flowers. Then it was off to get I. from school early so that we could make the 30 minute trip to pick up my mom. By this time, D. was getting fussy because it was quickly approaching time for a nursing and nap, one that he was not going to get that day. We got to my parents' house, ran in, "threw" the cake to my dad, got I. changed into a dress and then headed to a nice restaurant that I had picked out. The view was great, the ambiance was nice, the food really good. My mom was so pleased that I got her flowers which we brought in to enjoy as the table's centerpiece and she had a good time. After that, we went back to her house where we enjoyed the cake and presents. D. hung in there with intermittent nursings throughout the afternoon and then we were back on the road to tackle getting them in bed. All in all, it went really well.
By the end of the day, I was exhausted and kind of down though. I think it was because of all the logistics and the running here and there that I didn't really feel as though I enjoyed it. Of course the whole point was that my mom enjoy it and I think she did. Anyone who really knows me though understands that I really try to be in the moment and consciously concentrate on enjoying these moments. And I don't think I was successful in that yesterday.
Last night as I read some books on the IPad during D.'s late night feeding, I came across a couple of points that really hit home. A sentence in a book called "Holy Parenting: Making the Common Sacred", when talking about raising little ones said,"Instead of running off to the gym or to the store, maybe this morning you could practice the spiritual discipline of presence, the simple act of being with someone else, with no agenda, reflecting love and affirmation." I like that sentence - the concept of just being with D. and I. "reflecting love and affirmation". What more could they need than those two things? I'm going to be keeping that phrase in mind.
The other concept was from "The 18 Rules of Happiness: How To Be Happy" and was to be grateful for what we have and how that will ultimately make us happy. So simple a concept but one that still has to be put into practice until it becomes a natural habit. I think since D. was conceived and born, my gratefulness quotient increased immensely. Not that I wasn't grateful for I. because I was but with her, I may have taken things more for granted, ie. no problem conceiving a child, no problem nursing her, etc. D.'s conception was hard to come by and only after we had given up. His birth was tremendously hard yet exactly what I was hoping for in the end. Nursing was a huge issue for the first several months and most people would have probably given up yet 7 months down the line, I'm still able to enjoy and celebrate nursing D. His temperament is still beyond belief and the fact that we have a little boy in our family of girls amazes me every day. These little things are what I'm grateful for. I'm thankful for the big things too but my day is so filled mostly with the little things that if I wasn't grateful for them, I wouldn't be grateful very often. I think that's been the difference between my first go at motherhood and this one. Before I would hold off on true gratefulness until the situation of things in my life was perfect. I see now that I missed out on a lot of happiness if I had just taken joy in what I did have instead of waiting for the rest to fall into place. That's something I'm going to try hard not to repeat.
And by the way, I don't just read self-help books - I'm also reading 2 other books on the IPad, a police procedural book and a historical fiction book as well. Really, I don't contemplate the lint in my naval all the time, just some of the time.
By the end of the day, I was exhausted and kind of down though. I think it was because of all the logistics and the running here and there that I didn't really feel as though I enjoyed it. Of course the whole point was that my mom enjoy it and I think she did. Anyone who really knows me though understands that I really try to be in the moment and consciously concentrate on enjoying these moments. And I don't think I was successful in that yesterday.
Last night as I read some books on the IPad during D.'s late night feeding, I came across a couple of points that really hit home. A sentence in a book called "Holy Parenting: Making the Common Sacred", when talking about raising little ones said,"Instead of running off to the gym or to the store, maybe this morning you could practice the spiritual discipline of presence, the simple act of being with someone else, with no agenda, reflecting love and affirmation." I like that sentence - the concept of just being with D. and I. "reflecting love and affirmation". What more could they need than those two things? I'm going to be keeping that phrase in mind.
The other concept was from "The 18 Rules of Happiness: How To Be Happy" and was to be grateful for what we have and how that will ultimately make us happy. So simple a concept but one that still has to be put into practice until it becomes a natural habit. I think since D. was conceived and born, my gratefulness quotient increased immensely. Not that I wasn't grateful for I. because I was but with her, I may have taken things more for granted, ie. no problem conceiving a child, no problem nursing her, etc. D.'s conception was hard to come by and only after we had given up. His birth was tremendously hard yet exactly what I was hoping for in the end. Nursing was a huge issue for the first several months and most people would have probably given up yet 7 months down the line, I'm still able to enjoy and celebrate nursing D. His temperament is still beyond belief and the fact that we have a little boy in our family of girls amazes me every day. These little things are what I'm grateful for. I'm thankful for the big things too but my day is so filled mostly with the little things that if I wasn't grateful for them, I wouldn't be grateful very often. I think that's been the difference between my first go at motherhood and this one. Before I would hold off on true gratefulness until the situation of things in my life was perfect. I see now that I missed out on a lot of happiness if I had just taken joy in what I did have instead of waiting for the rest to fall into place. That's something I'm going to try hard not to repeat.
And by the way, I don't just read self-help books - I'm also reading 2 other books on the IPad, a police procedural book and a historical fiction book as well. Really, I don't contemplate the lint in my naval all the time, just some of the time.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Evening Observations
Quick thoughts before heading to bed...
My baby girl is turning 6 on Wednesday. Why I thought that having 2 kids would make it easier is beyond me. I'll be teary eyed as I write her birthday letter tomorrow night. Six years ago tonight is when I went into labor with her. I'm so proud of her. By her sheer determination, she has taught herself how to read. I love hanging out with her side by side, listening to what she says because it gives me a glimpse into her complicated, but always thinking brain. The way her brain works and her heart feels is more like me every year but the way she deals with negative and strong emotions is more like V. which causes a real internal conflict. God help me to know how to help her with that.
My baby boy just turned 3 months yesterday. In some ways it seems like yesterday he was here and in many ways it seems like forever thanks to the nighttime feedings and not enough sleep. He continues to amaze me with his good nature. That really is the phrase to describe him. He can doze off for 10 minutes, wake up, and smile at me. Of course, don't get me wrong, he is still a little guy. So after he woke up at 5:15am this morning for the day, by 7:15 he was miserably tired and crying off and on until I put him in the sling. Then he quietly communed with my chest though not falling asleep until it was time to take I. to school. On the way home, he cried intermittently for 5 minutes and then passed out. As the mother of an intense first child, I have to say I really, really appreciate that. I. would have just gone to the red zone and screamed without falling asleep until I took her out of that damn car seat. Like I said, good natured this boy is and I'll add calm, easy going, and happy to the mix. That being said, I still only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night...
My baby girl is turning 6 on Wednesday. Why I thought that having 2 kids would make it easier is beyond me. I'll be teary eyed as I write her birthday letter tomorrow night. Six years ago tonight is when I went into labor with her. I'm so proud of her. By her sheer determination, she has taught herself how to read. I love hanging out with her side by side, listening to what she says because it gives me a glimpse into her complicated, but always thinking brain. The way her brain works and her heart feels is more like me every year but the way she deals with negative and strong emotions is more like V. which causes a real internal conflict. God help me to know how to help her with that.
My baby boy just turned 3 months yesterday. In some ways it seems like yesterday he was here and in many ways it seems like forever thanks to the nighttime feedings and not enough sleep. He continues to amaze me with his good nature. That really is the phrase to describe him. He can doze off for 10 minutes, wake up, and smile at me. Of course, don't get me wrong, he is still a little guy. So after he woke up at 5:15am this morning for the day, by 7:15 he was miserably tired and crying off and on until I put him in the sling. Then he quietly communed with my chest though not falling asleep until it was time to take I. to school. On the way home, he cried intermittently for 5 minutes and then passed out. As the mother of an intense first child, I have to say I really, really appreciate that. I. would have just gone to the red zone and screamed without falling asleep until I took her out of that damn car seat. Like I said, good natured this boy is and I'll add calm, easy going, and happy to the mix. That being said, I still only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night...
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Weekend Debrief
I know, I know, it's been a long time since my last post and I'm sure that all 2 of you have just been dying to hear how my weekend away went. Honestly, it wasn't my fault this time. Okay, Monday night I could have actually posted but the day was so aggravatingly lousy that I just didn't feel the excitement of the weekend anymore. Then Tuesday, all hell broke loose in the house (again) which resulted in my Internet connection and television/cable/DVR being ripped out of the walls without any hope of knowing how to put it all back together. On top of that, the living room, which is the only sitting area downstairs, was covered with a queen sized futon, a wide screen t.v., electronic components, furniture and toys. Basically, the room was trashed. Being that V. was out of town (big surprise there), the prospect of multiple nights sitting in silence up in my bedroom, the only room in the house left to sit in, for hours on end evoked one word to come out of my mouth. It had 4 letters and began with f. I'll let you figure that one out. V. came home yesterday and hooked up the Internet so at least I have connection to the outside world again and a place to vent my frustrations. I think that was the worst of it - having all these aggravations and nowhere to get them out. I also "Macgeyvered" the DVR to work upstairs in the bedroom so that's help retain my sanity. So, the weekend. It seems so far away after this week of "I need thousands of more dollars from you" and "Oops, I have no idea how to reconnect any of this stuff, sorry". But from what I can remember, it was great and thank God I had it before this week or it would have been an even worst scene around this joint. We lucked out on the weather in that it rained on the way up on Friday and then was sunny for the rest of the time except for Sunday morning when we were getting ready to leave anyways. On Friday, we walked around the downtown area and then soaked up some sun on the boardwalk at the beach. That night, we ended up seeing a movie which for us is a real treat and it was great. Saturday, we went to breakfast at the place we fell in love with last year and enjoyed it just as much this year. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, taking a walk on the beach, reading, and napping. Then we went out to a really nice dinner at a restaurant we found online that afternoon and it was fantastic. The surprising part was that V. actually told them it was my birthday so they brought dessert and sang to me. He doesn't do that but he did and it meant alot to me. Sunday after breakfast we had time to play cards and take a picture at a hotel that we took a picture in front of 10 years ago, the first time we came to Laguna. I'll have to upload some pics from the weekend separately. Then it was off to my parents' house for the family bday party, sans my sister, and it went pretty well overall. The best part of the weekend was hanging out with V. These days, it only takes about an hour of being alone to get back into our groove, which is a huge improvement from back in the dark days after Mark's death. We really are able to tap back into our friendship, that part when we just enjoy each other's company, not as husband and wife but as two people who truly, honestly like each other as people. After an afternoon of hanging out, we start saying the same things at the same time which we call "sharing a brain". V. says it drives him crazy but he says it with a smile so I know he's lying. These are the things that make the weekend away so necessary and special. I tried not to concentrate on the fact that this will be our last time away alone for probably 18-24 months because that makes me feel trapped and overwhelmed. We survived last time and I'm confident that we'll survive it this time too. It'll make the next weekend away something to really be looked forward to, that's for sure.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Weekend Wishes
Another long-ish delay in posting this week due to general aggravation and grumpiness. Thanks to many insurance phone calls, hassles, and requests for lots of cash, a tour of I.'s school for next year that not only upset me but pissed me off, and just little things that accumulated in my brain and overwhelmed me. You know, the usual M.O. for my brain.
But I am determined to leave all this behind for the next 4 days and just enjoy myself, living in the moment. Because this weekend is my birthday, my 41st birthday. Thank God this one is not as traumatic and potentially depressing as last year's. I think a huge part of it is being pregnant. I mean, how decrepit can I possibly be if I'm pregnant?! Just don't ask my OB's office that because as I've already discussed, they seem to think those two things, decrepit and pregnancy, go hand in hand just fine. But in my mind they don't and this is my weekend, so screw them.
I'm taking I. to my parents' house today and of course I've got way too many errands and other things crammed into this afternoon so we'll see what I actually get done. However, then I've scehduled a massage to kick off the festivities and really get in the mood for fun. V. won't be home til late though he won't say why. All he'll say is, "I have to take care of something." I suspect that it has something to do with my birthday but I don't want to get my hopes up since last year, there was no card or present though we still had a good time in Laguna Beach and yes, going there was a present; it's just that I did all the planning, packing, and researching for it so in my fickle mind, that doesn't count as a present from him. We'll see if this year is different.
Tomorrow V. and I are going to head up to Laguna Beach (the same quirky place as last year) for the weekend. This will be our last alone trip for awhile. The weather is going to be a little iffy so we're just going to have to play it by ear but I'm hoping for alot of relaxation, walking on the beach, and laughter. Sunday we return to my parents' house for a birthday bbq (Sunday is my actual birthday), hopefully well rested and rejuvenated. It'll just be nice to be off of momma duty for 3.5 days and not have an alarm going off in the morning. Of course, if that early bird hubby of mine gets up at 6am every morning and wakes me up, I will have to kill him and dump his body over the patio railing.
Better get ready now and finish packing I. up so we can hit the road in a bit.
But I am determined to leave all this behind for the next 4 days and just enjoy myself, living in the moment. Because this weekend is my birthday, my 41st birthday. Thank God this one is not as traumatic and potentially depressing as last year's. I think a huge part of it is being pregnant. I mean, how decrepit can I possibly be if I'm pregnant?! Just don't ask my OB's office that because as I've already discussed, they seem to think those two things, decrepit and pregnancy, go hand in hand just fine. But in my mind they don't and this is my weekend, so screw them.
I'm taking I. to my parents' house today and of course I've got way too many errands and other things crammed into this afternoon so we'll see what I actually get done. However, then I've scehduled a massage to kick off the festivities and really get in the mood for fun. V. won't be home til late though he won't say why. All he'll say is, "I have to take care of something." I suspect that it has something to do with my birthday but I don't want to get my hopes up since last year, there was no card or present though we still had a good time in Laguna Beach and yes, going there was a present; it's just that I did all the planning, packing, and researching for it so in my fickle mind, that doesn't count as a present from him. We'll see if this year is different.
Tomorrow V. and I are going to head up to Laguna Beach (the same quirky place as last year) for the weekend. This will be our last alone trip for awhile. The weather is going to be a little iffy so we're just going to have to play it by ear but I'm hoping for alot of relaxation, walking on the beach, and laughter. Sunday we return to my parents' house for a birthday bbq (Sunday is my actual birthday), hopefully well rested and rejuvenated. It'll just be nice to be off of momma duty for 3.5 days and not have an alarm going off in the morning. Of course, if that early bird hubby of mine gets up at 6am every morning and wakes me up, I will have to kill him and dump his body over the patio railing.
Better get ready now and finish packing I. up so we can hit the road in a bit.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Today
Today is Mark's birthday which brings back memories of past birthdays. He always would take the day off from work because he didn't want hoopla about his birthday. That night he would go over to his parents' house for a homemade German dinner and a cutthroat game of Risk, his favorite game. No one else liked that game but since it was his birthday, everyone acquiesced.
I remember one year, I took the day off as well which was unusual since we usually would make sure that one of us was at work to manage the department. But one year we both took the day off and went to Balboa Park for lunch and museum. I think that was the time we went and looked at a visiting exhibit on torture - the tools, history, and mechanics. It was just the sort of weird interest we both shared. I remember it was a beautiful, relaxing day and we enjoyed it, the day, the weather, and most of all, the company of a best friend.
Today, he's not here to enjoy his day but I am to think warmly about our unique friendship and the love and respect we had for one another. If it wasn't for him and his fight with cancer, I may not have found the courage and perspective to try for another child and would not be sitting here with a 2-inch baby nestled in my womb. I wish he knew and I wish he was still here. It's true you know what they say, the pain lessens over time but it never goes away. And at certain moments, on certain days, the pain is as sharp as ever. It may not last as long or completely overshadow a day like it used to, but it's just as raw, painful, and saddening as it ever was.
Happy Birthday my friend.
I remember one year, I took the day off as well which was unusual since we usually would make sure that one of us was at work to manage the department. But one year we both took the day off and went to Balboa Park for lunch and museum. I think that was the time we went and looked at a visiting exhibit on torture - the tools, history, and mechanics. It was just the sort of weird interest we both shared. I remember it was a beautiful, relaxing day and we enjoyed it, the day, the weather, and most of all, the company of a best friend.
Today, he's not here to enjoy his day but I am to think warmly about our unique friendship and the love and respect we had for one another. If it wasn't for him and his fight with cancer, I may not have found the courage and perspective to try for another child and would not be sitting here with a 2-inch baby nestled in my womb. I wish he knew and I wish he was still here. It's true you know what they say, the pain lessens over time but it never goes away. And at certain moments, on certain days, the pain is as sharp as ever. It may not last as long or completely overshadow a day like it used to, but it's just as raw, painful, and saddening as it ever was.
Happy Birthday my friend.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Quiet Moments
Yesterday was a busy but good day. First to the gym for a quick treadmill workout, then straight to my parents' house for lunch and instructions for this weekend's housesitting/dog sitting while they go to Vegas (one of our Christmas presents to them). Then home for bath and bedtime.
The weather was so nice, high 70s which is a nice change from what we've had lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those lamenting our cool summer weather. I like low 70s/high 60s weather most of the time but a little bit warmer here and there is good too.
I got I. in bed and went on the back patio to bask in the warm air. I'm supposed to be thinking about what my "perfect" birth experience looks like. It's my first assignment from my doula. What better place to do this than on the patio with peace and quiet, looking at the warm sunlight glowing on the back embankment, feeling the warm air on my skin, and seeing the hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower. It's still kind of awkward to put this "perfect" picture together but I think it will be one of those things that just develops over time when I'm not really thinking hard about it. Bits and pieces here and there.
Today is V.'s birthday and a chocolate cake is being delivered to the San Francisco office this afternoon. I think he'll be surprised. I guess I'll find out this afternoon. Another nice warm day today, probably the last for the week so I will take advantage of another twilight on the patio this evening.
The weather was so nice, high 70s which is a nice change from what we've had lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those lamenting our cool summer weather. I like low 70s/high 60s weather most of the time but a little bit warmer here and there is good too.
I got I. in bed and went on the back patio to bask in the warm air. I'm supposed to be thinking about what my "perfect" birth experience looks like. It's my first assignment from my doula. What better place to do this than on the patio with peace and quiet, looking at the warm sunlight glowing on the back embankment, feeling the warm air on my skin, and seeing the hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower. It's still kind of awkward to put this "perfect" picture together but I think it will be one of those things that just develops over time when I'm not really thinking hard about it. Bits and pieces here and there.
Today is V.'s birthday and a chocolate cake is being delivered to the San Francisco office this afternoon. I think he'll be surprised. I guess I'll find out this afternoon. Another nice warm day today, probably the last for the week so I will take advantage of another twilight on the patio this evening.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I.'s Birthday Pictures
With Baby Bear, ready for my birthday party!
My 3rd birthday at El Torito in 2008 with Luis
My 5th birthday (2010) at On the Border with Luis
Enjoying myself
Having fun at my party
Morning of my actual birthday, ready for school
I wanted to get a picture of I. and I on her birthday and I did.
This is at the end of her birth-day. To say that she was pooped out would be an understatement. She had a great party on Saturday and a great actual birthday and that's what counts.Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Today's the Day
I am now the momma of a 5 year old. I cannot believe it since it just seems like yesterday I was holding her for the first time. All the more reason to make as many memories as possible with I. because time does fly. Today I am concentrating on her excitement and pride that she is 5 to keep from getting sad. I'll save that for tonight when I'm writing her birthday letter. I already know now to get a box of Kleenex along with the stationary and pen because it's inevitable.
Yesterday I showed her the pictures I took each month of my pregnancy and she really liked it. This morning I will show her the pictures we took in the hospital of her first hours. Then we will get ready, head to Chuck E. Cheese for fun and lunch, then to school where she'll get to celebrate her birthday in chapel and in her classroom. I am going to get some good pictures (hopefully) and then I'll do a picture posting with the best bday pics. I realized that I did not get any pictures of me or V. with I. at her party so I am going to see if I can get someone at school to take a picture of us. It sure is hard getting in the pictures when you're the momma, at least around this joint.
Happy Birthday my beautiful, sweet, feisty, loving, smart, funny little girl! You have changed my life in the most meaningful way and I am thankful every day and night that you are my daughter.
Yesterday I showed her the pictures I took each month of my pregnancy and she really liked it. This morning I will show her the pictures we took in the hospital of her first hours. Then we will get ready, head to Chuck E. Cheese for fun and lunch, then to school where she'll get to celebrate her birthday in chapel and in her classroom. I am going to get some good pictures (hopefully) and then I'll do a picture posting with the best bday pics. I realized that I did not get any pictures of me or V. with I. at her party so I am going to see if I can get someone at school to take a picture of us. It sure is hard getting in the pictures when you're the momma, at least around this joint.
Happy Birthday my beautiful, sweet, feisty, loving, smart, funny little girl! You have changed my life in the most meaningful way and I am thankful every day and night that you are my daughter.
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