How Fun in Life is Like Married Sex

I already know that I'm overly sensitive to criticism, I always have been. I don't know if it's because I've had a problem with perfectionism or because my parents always expected it from me, most likely a combination of both. I bring all of this up because of a comment/attitude my mom made/had at the very end of our conversation today. It wasn't such a big deal in and of itself but it really is just a small example of something that has always bothered me about my parents. I'll try to simply state the comment and attitude and then dissect it ad naseum (most likely) afterwards.

My mom said she wanted to come over Monday afternoon and see I. and that she knew she had better tell me now since she knows I book in advance. I laughingly made the comment that last night, I was just "booking" something in December already. She responded, "You sound like this lady Dr. Laura had on her show yesterday. She was getting all worried and hyper about her daughter and Dr. Laura said that she just needed to calm down." I said, "I'm not worried about I. There are things I want to experience with her and I want to make sure I do before she's in school full-time." She said, "September is a long way away." and I said, "I know, but time is flying by so fast that I just want to make sure I get things planned in advance so I don't miss any." Then my mom gave this little laugh that she only does when she doesn't understand why you're feeling/thinking a certain way or why you're saying something but it doesn't really matter because she thinks it's pretty ridiculous. Everything probably would have been fine up until the laugh. I really had to get off the phone so I couldn't try to address it but it festered inside for the rest of today.

I know it doesn't sound like a big deal and in the grand scheme of things, it's not. But here's the root of it. When I was living at home, I was not really allowed to have a life outside of the family. It was all about the Family. If we had had a big family, at least it would have been a big circle but as it was, it was basically my dad and mom and about 4 crazy relatives that we tried to have as little contact with as possible. So my life was contained in a very little circle.

On top of that, my parents capitalized on the fact that I avoided at all costs disappointing them. That led to a lot of self-containment on my part. If I knew that they wouldn't like what I was thinking or how I was feeling, I just kept it inside because if it differed from how they were, they would make you feel bad about it. Here's what I'm talking about. They talk nonstop and are gregarious, sometimes loud and laugh a lot. I think that's great but it's not me. I think before I speak and many times I think a whole lot but never speak about it. My parents consider this quiet and unfriendly. I laugh especially with I. but not often. It's not that I don't think things are funny, often times I do, but I don't laugh loudly at all the things I think are funny. I'm just more reserved that way. My parents go from the highest highs to the lowest of lows and then make sure you know every gory detail of them. Me, I like to stay pretty even keel with my peaks and valleys within limits. My mother considers this milquetoast and she can't stand people like this (a direct quote). As far as gory details, I usually don't provide many, definitely none that are too emotional to me, and if I do, it will be years later after the painful issue has been dealt with.

This is how they are and I know that. They haven't changed, I've changed. I stopped caring what they thought and did what I thought should be done. If they didn't like it, "oh well, I'm not them" became my attitude.

But I. and my parenting is still a newish topic. I'm still finding my way as most mothers do when they have young children. That makes my parenting a topic that I haven't quite gotten to the "if you don't like it, kiss off" end of the spectrum. With non-family members, I do have that attitude. Even with V., my attitude is "I spend 24/7 with I. and I know her". But this is my mother and I felt like she was casting judgment on something to do with my mothering.

No, this is not how she goes through her life but that doesn't make my way wrong. When I was growing up, our bills were always paid late, checks were bouncing and not because my dad wasn't making money. It was because she was never on time with doing bills. To this day, she is still running to the bank 5 minutes before it closes to make a deposit or a transfer to cover checks. Her days are free form, errands here and there not necessarily in a straight line, not getting to do the things she wants to do because she runs out of time etc.

That's about as far from me as you can get. Just hearing about her chaos and hecticness of remembering this, forgetting about that, makes me tense. It's not just that I like structure. It's that I want to make sure that I do get done what I have to but with plenty of healthy, fun time thrown throughout my week. Errands have a way of eating up hours and hours. I like to group them together by area so that I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. I want to maximize my fun time with I. for the next 9 months. That is a priority for me. Also, by putting things on my computer calendar, I can visually look at a week (or month) and immediately see if the week is unbalanced. Am I cramming too many errands and necessary appointments into a week which will lead to I. acting out and me stressing out? If so, I can easily delay a few things and replace it with fun. Yes, it's structured but it's not set in stone, it's a constantly and easily changing document.

The bottom line is that my calendar is a visual barometer of how healthy and balanced my personal and home life is. After Mark died, I promised myself that I would make sure to include more fun things in my life instead of what I needed to do. Fun in life, at least as an adult, is kind of like sex when you're married - if you wait to have it on a spontaneous basis, it'll never happen. You've got to put it into whatever "schedule" you've got going. That doesn't mean you'll enjoy it less, in fact looking forward to it is half the fun!