New Hope, Old Demons

It's only Wednesday but I have finally found out what the rest of my year will probably look like.

V. should be coming home mid-late week next week and won't have to go to China until 3/1. He told his boss he wanted the rest of February off and not coming out of his vacation time so that is great. I am a little skeptical that he won't be working at all for the month but am making a list of fun things to do so we have that to draw from. China is only to be until July when he will have a permanent position heading a business unit based in San Diego. So there is our chance at a normal life.

That's the good part - I have hope. The old demons arose this morning at the gym when I spoke with V. and he springs it on me that he and 2 other guys are going to Bahrain for the next 2 days. I'm totally taken by surprised since he's been there for 14 months and has never talked about Bahrain and now that he's coming home next week, he's going there? Bahrain is Saudi Arabia's Las Vegas as he explained it to me many months ago. Unfortunately for him I remembered that description and told him I wasn't too thrilled about him going over there now after we've been apart 10 weeks. Talk about crappy timing. It's not that I think he'll do anything concrete but the fact that he's going someplace with bars, nightclubs, and women when we've been apart for so long doesn't make me happy - AT ALL. I bit my tongue tonight and tried to stay as neutral as I could but my insecurities about the hits our marriage's foundation has taken these past 14 months and the fact that he's seen me 2-3 times in the last 10 weeks and always first thing in the morning (when I look like what the cat has barfed up) does not bolster my confidence that I will remain first and foremost in his mind in the midst of a bar scene. With my past experiences, this is the worst case scenario for me. My natural tendency is to distrust all men. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a man hater. In fact, they are my favorite creatures but it actually has made it worse as a woman because I really do know how they think and act. Great for hanging out with the guys, not so great to be married to a guy.

I don't even know what to say at this point. I guess I'll wait for the phone calls, go on with my days raising our daughter and maybe when he gets back, we'll discuss why he decided now to go to Bahrain of all times.