Fighting the Spiral

I just need to get the afternoon out of my brain before I head to bed or it's going to carry over into tomorrow.

D. had his 4 month appointment this afternoon. I thought it would go relatively well. Yes, I know he didn't gain as much weight as the doctor would like but he does have some pudge on his legs now and he's definitely grown longer. Plus developmentally he's right there - with me, V., and I. he squeals, "talks" and tries to communicate, with others he smiles broadly when spoken to, he is alert and focuses on people plus he's grabbing at things with success. No, he isn't lifting his chest up when he's on his belly and that's my fault. I haven't thought it to be a good idea to put him on his belly right after he eats and if I wait 15-30 minutes after he's eaten, it's time to take I. to school, be picking her up or getting him down for nap or bed.

Well, it didn't go well. According to all the charts, he is sliding off the bottom of the charts. He's not gaining weight at an acceptable rate, his height is slow and so is his head circumference. She started talking about supplementation and my stress level just multiplied. I'm struggling to feed him 8 times a day and keep up with I.'s half day kindergarten schedule and needs along with their 5pm bedtime and now I need to consider adding bottles, pumping and/or formula? The doctor saw my face and recognized that I was upset and discouraged. Yeah, and add overwhelmed to that list.

The old mantra started up in my head on the way home and continues its chant "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough." Add to that the fact that I.'s Christmas party is tomorrow and tonight when she went to bed, she asked a cryptic question "Will other people be coming to the party tomorrow?" Finally drilled down to the fact that she was asking if Iwas coming to the party to which I had to reply that if D. woke up early from his nap, I would definitely come. She wanted to know why I couldn't wake him up from his nap and I told her that since he had 3 vaccinations today, he may have a fever tomorrow and not feel well so he needed to get as much sleep as his body needed. As I walked out of her room, what did I hear in my head? "No matter what I do, it's just not good enough."

If I didn't know already that I was not cut out to be a mother of three, I know it for a fact now because I am having a hard time feeling as though I am somehow shortchanging both of my kids in different ways (I. attention; D. tummy time)pretty much every day.

That being said, I am trying though struggling to maintain perspective. My friend's wife is battling pancreatic cancer, my best friend died of pancreatic cancer, so many women try IVF to just have one kid and I have 2 healthy kids, naturally conceive and a strong marriage. Really when I think of that, it helps me change the mantra chanting in my mind to "Everything is okay, everything is okay."

It's just a constant challenge to defeat the old way of thinking. Can't expect many, many years of reinforced thinking to just go away. I think it's going to be a lifelong battle.

The awesome parts of today were first going in to get D. up from his morning nap. He was awake, just lying there looking around. I said my usual naptime greeting of "Is there a handsome baby boy in here?" and he turned his head and gave me a huge grin. I picked him up and went on to our second routine which is me holding him against me, still swaddled, and looking at the two of us in the mirror. I say, "Who's that?" and he looks in the mirror at me, lights up with a big smile, and then buries his face into my chest to snuggle. The second awesome part was booktime with I. and D. though this happens every day when V. isn't here, which is quite often. After I's bath, I set D. down on her pillow and she and I lay down on either side of him while I read 2 books. D. gets so excited while we are reading - the whole time he's making noises, has his mouth wide open, punctuating the air with flailing hands and kicking legs. The third awesome part was bathtime with D. He is most talkative during bathtime warmup - squealing and talking and giggling. In the bath he was kicking up a storm, leaving me and the floor very wet. For some reason when I give him a bath he is much more active with his kicking (and peeing for that matter) than when V. gives him his bath. Still trying to figure that out...