Exhausting and Upsetting Conversation

Ever since V. has taken the new job in Arizona and we announced that we were thinking of moving to a home with a yard in our area, my parents have been making a full court press to get us to move to North County.  When I told my mom that we were considering moving I made a point of telling her we needed to be near the airport so that V.'s commute was not made worse by a long commute from the airport.  I knew when she didn't object that more would be coming which there was in the form of my father making a full court press.  I gave the reason again of why we wanted to stay in the area but obviously to no avail because they started making little comments here and there every time I saw them and yes, to be honest it annoyed me.  Why?  Because I already had stated several times our intentions and the reason behind it and still they persisted with little jabs here and there as though I hadn't made the attempt to forthright about our decision.  Kind of like, say your piece and then shut up.

With another family get together for 4th of July, I didn't want to spend that long day and night waiting for more comments.  It makes me irritable and angry so since we were talking today, I figured it was time for the talk.  I told my mom I had to be off the phone by 11:10 so I'd call earlier to give plenty of time.  Here's how the phone call went:  from 10:00-10:30, she talked about my sister, her release tomorrow and every detail of her future weeks.  Then from 10:30-11:00 she moved onto a drama filled story about my brother and his dealings with a guy I knew they shouldn't be involved business-wise with but whom they thought would be an okay guy to deal with.  This is not the first time that they've gotten involved with someone and I've stated that I don't like the sound of him, been poo-poo'd and then it turns out that the guy's an a-hole and now they're in fear of being sued etc.  So both stories were kind of irritating to me but what was especially irritating is that she knew I had a limited time to talk and this is what she wants to talk about.

Finally while D. is now up and crying because he wants me to carry him, I tell my mom we need to talk about the moving subject.  I cannot go through it blow by blow but I was tactful and restated that we needed to be by the airport and that that was the only request V. had out of this whole thing and I respected that and wanted to honor that considering that he could have asked me to move to Arizona but didn't even ask.  I also said that I felt bad that they seemed to think from what they had said that I didn't want to move close to them because I was concerned that they would be over all the time which wasn't true at all.  I said some very nice and emotional things about how thankful I was to get to spend (and the kids getting to spend) all this time with them since D. has been born.  I told her that this was stressing me out because I felt like I was having to be the bad guy with them by doing the right thing for my little family.

She responded with how overly sensitive I was to their comments and that I had asked in a nasty tone, "What does that mean?" at Father's Day when they had made a "joke".  I asked her again what the "joke" meant and I was right that it was a little private dig they had between themselves about something I said.  She said all this had nothing to do with them wanting me closer as much as it would make my daily life easier because I could just drop the kids off here and there at their house when I wanted to go do something and if I needed anything they could be there in 5 minutes.  She was defensive and just kept saying how sensitive I was to anything they said and she guessed they couldn't joke around with me.  The tone she used when she was saying all this was hurtful to me.  It was like, we did nothing wrong, it's all your fault.  Which is how it was when I was a kid and every once in awhile I didn't agree with them or showed some fight against what they viewed as the right way to think so I guess I'm not surprised.  It didn't feel any better now than it did back then.

As though it couldn't get any worse, my mom says, "Well since we're talking about what makes each other feel bad, there's something you've said 3 times that hurt my feelings too.  But 2 of those times was before you had kids so I thought maybe it was because you didn't understand but the last time you said it was 3 weeks ago." 

Now I'm not begrudging her bringing it up.  I wish she had the first time I said, or the second time or just 3 weeks ago because obviously I never would say something to purposely hurt my mother's feelings.  But to bring it today after I go out on a limb and bare my soul partially about my love for them, it felt like tit for tat and a really gut shot.  So I told her to tell me what it was that I said and this was it.  I have said when mentioning the hard times I went through (not the depression but before then) that I didn't talk to my mom about it because she had enough to handle with everything that had been going on with my sister.  My mom took that to mean that I thought she wasn't willing to give me attention nor help and that I viewed her as an inadequate mother.  She asked, "Would you say that to D. if he needed help and you were going through hard times with I.?"  I told her first of all, you were dealing with 2 minor children and I was an adult so that's a different scenario.  I was an adult, I had made my bed, and now I had to figure out how I was going to lie in it or not.  It was time to take responsibility and try to grow up and figure it out.  Secondly, they were completely and totally overwhelmed by the years of crap my sister put them through when she was a teenager (and ever since) but all I wanted to do was to help them in any way I could, to help lessen the burden.  I gave her examples of what I did to help lessen the burden, ones she can't disagree with.  I reminded her that as the oldest child, I have always been responsible, never wanting to make trouble or cause disappointment or be a burden and that's why I didn't offload my pain onto them. They were already overwhelmed by pain.  I don't know if she heard it all.  I apologized and told her I never wanted her to feel like that's what I thought and that she should have brought it up a long time ago.

I don't even know what to expect on Thursday.  I'm sure this has been the topic of conversation between my dad and her and I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him how upset and sad I made her.  Part of me feels bad but I know I shouldn't.  In  my family, if you didn't agree, you kept it to yourself or you would pay a price.  I guess I'm paying the price but I wonder for how long.