First of all I feel like this summer my blog has turned into a gripe session and I"m feel bad about that. But then again, this is my blog and the documentation of what I'm going through in this season of my life. It's been a wonderful season but also a really difficult one. This was my first summer with having 2 kids and it was I.'s first summer of having to share me. There just seemed to be a different vibe going on this summer, typically characterized by I. and I being at odds. And it's not just that, it seems like I. since getting out of school has changed from a cheerful, self-motivated individual to a more long-faced, negative, disobedient kid demanding on me for her entertainment and motivation. As soon as I enter her room or come downstairs in the morning on weekends or see her when she comes home from the gym with V., the first thing I see is some sort of long face and hear a gripe of some sort because things have not been "perfect" or up to her expectations. I'm shocked because I don't feel like I raised her to be self-absorbed as though the world revolves around her and that everyone else in the world should cater to her. But to be brutally honest, that is how she's been acting this summer.
This does not apply to D. She loves him beyond belief and loves playing with him and looking after him. It's almost as though, and I do remember this from when she was little, that she tends to love one person fiercely and the rest of the people in her life come a distant second. Right now if I had to rate people, D. would come first, V. second, me third though she does not act like it and my mom fourth, my dad fifth. I am thankful that she is so loving towards D.
The problem that leaves me broken tonight is a consistent problem with dishonesty. Before it was reading books instead of going to sleep on three consecutive occurrences. If she was a kid who would sleep later in the morning to compensate for going to sleep later at night that would be one thing but she's not and it results in her being extra tired the next day and being a nightmare for most of the day for all of us to deal with. It's just not fair to the entire family. Now the subject is cleaning up her room in the morning. She gets a million things out every morning and then hates clean up time. Yeah, I would too. She knows that she is not to come downstairs until her room is clean yet she comes downstairs and her room is a friggin' pigsty. I've had my hands full with D. lately in the morning and she's been taking advantage of that, knowing that I won't go up there until it's D.'s morning nap time. Today I made her go back into her room two additional times letting her know exactly what needed to be cleaned up. Then at bedtime, I opened her bathroom door and saw the floor covered with clothes, books, towels, etc. and when I went to close her closet door, it caught on something and I opened it up and there were a bunch of the things she was supposed to put away as well as her clean clothes she was to put away. To say that I was ticked off is an understatement. It just seems that she thinks it's okay to hide things and pretend that she did the right thing and deceive me until I discover it. I have nothing more to say about this.
Like I needed anything more emotional this evening, I went from that drama to bathing D. and nursing him to go to bed. He's still having a hard time breathing with his snotty nose so today during nursings as he attempted to get better suction, he would inadvertently nip me which was painful but I knew he didn't know he was doing it so I didn't say anything. Tonight though he whole heartedly bit me and then pulled his head away which was extremely painful. He did it twice so I tapped him on the cheek and said, "No bite" and he began crying. I switched sides thinking that might help and immediately he did the same thing and then proceeded to do it 3 times in a row. By this time he was crying and so was I because of course I was fearing that this will make him not want to nurse again and we'll be right back to where we were - 0 nursings and refusing to take liquids via cup or spoon. I put him in the crib, he cried but less than a minute and I proceeded to head to the shower to cry for 15 minutes and feel upset and down for most of the night. I will pray for a good nursing tomorrow morning to start things off.
It's been a tough summer and I think back to two summers ago (before I was pregnant with D.) when I was on the phone with my mom talking about how I was so sad about I. going to full day school because I was going to miss her so much and trying to figure out what I was going to do etc. And internally I still feel the same way and am trying to create memories with I. before she's back in school. But after all the struggles of this summer, part of me thinks, "Holy smokes, I'm going to be so much more relaxed and have so much more down time once she's in school!" It's such a conflict because I feel guilty thinking this because she is my first and we had almost 6 happy years to ourselves and I love her and what's most difficult is that I know I really am going to miss my time with her and I'm really just going to miss HER. However after this summer, I think I need to catch my breath, gain my parenting confidence back and not have to be at odds with her all the time which is how it's felt.
One last random thought that's been bouncing around my brain for a few weeks...it seems like when she was younger (i.e. 6 months ago) and we would play side by side together (coloring, puzzles, cooking, etc.) things were better. We would talk and work on creating things together. In the last 6 months she really enjoys more competitive games like Uno and other sorts of games that have her playing against other people. However she is really competitive and can be a bad loser unless she's quickly corrected. She's fine playing against V. but she tends to not be a good sport when playing with my parents. When she and I play these games, sometimes she acts up but most of the time she holds it together because I've refused to play the games with her if she is a bad sport. However, I wonder if playing against each other even though we both enjoy the games is working against us in the other areas of our life. The coinciding time is right and down deep, I think I"m on to something.
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