Before the gym, V. called, not having a good day at work. Not a surprise since most days in Saudi Arabia aren’t all that great. In the middle of my five minute “allotment”, he says, “I’ve got go.”, and hangs up. Did he all of a sudden begin working undercover for the CIA without my knowledge and his cover was about to be blown? Unless that’s the case, you don’t hang up on someone when they A.) are in the middle of a sentence, and B.) are in need of some kind words to help them deal with a painful visit to a dying friend. I usually don’t get angry at V. but wow, this isn’t the best time to do that to me. So I went to the gym and worked out hard and heavy to get all that negative energy out of me and release those endorphins. I weighed myself at the gym and wasn’t too surprised to see that the “Mark Diet” as I call it, seems to be in full effect since in the past week, I’ve lost 3 pounds. I wanted to drop some weight anyways, I just wish it wasn’t due to having my stomach in knots all the time. Then I talked to a friend who always puts a smile on my face and I. and I headed over to Mark’s house.
I'll just say it plainly - I don't know if he's even got a month left in him. He used to weigh 240 pounds, now he's about 115 and looks less than that. While we were sitting next to each other on the couch, I gave him the list of memories I wrote last night to read. I could tell he was struggling due to all the pain medication he is on and asked if I could read it to him because I would enjoy doing that. The polite guy that he is, Mark said, "Would you mind? That would be great!" So I read them to him and we smiled great big smiles remembering our antics, troubles, and friendship over the last 10+ years. Sitting next to each other shoulder to shoulder, we could have been at Ruth Chris' on the barstools but the grim reality is that we weren't and never will be. I so cherish these moments and opportunities to hang out with him and it amazes me that even with how things are, I can tease him, make him smile, and give him a short escape to better times.
I don't necessarily look forward to the visit because every moment I'm there tears my heart just a little bit more and the emotional aftermath after each visit is hard to deal with. I love spending time with him but it just reminds me how much I'm going to miss him when he's gone. You know what the beautiful thing is, how much he appreciates it. When I went to leave after 4 hours, I helped him stand, gave him a kiss, and we just hugged as tightly as possible for a really long time and he was holding on as tightly as I was. Even though while I am there, I am upbeat and calm, I know he knows how incredibly sad I am. I could feel it in that hug today. For some reason, that knowledge makes me even more sad. Today also was the first time that Jodi acknowledged that the time is near and broke down crying. That didn't make me sad, that just made me fucking mad because it took him a long time to find her and start having that life he wanted so badly and now she's faced with being a widow at 31 with a little baby. This is just going to be so fucking bad. Sorry for the language, it's just how I feel.
So while I was at Mark's, V. calls back on my cell phone to tell me he's not coming home on Tuesday after all. This after he was supposed to be home last Thursday. I was in the middle of pulling up I.'s underwear in the bathroom, I sent her out, and looked in the mirror and almost began laughing hysterically because for some reason, the whole scene seemed surreal to me. I mean, I'm wiping shit off I.'s butt, I've already been hung up on once today, I'm at Mark's house dealing with all that comes with that, and now at 11:30 pm Saudi time V. decides that he has to tell me he's not coming home AGAIN instead of just waiting until tonight (CA time) and letting me know? I don't know it just seemed surreal. Instead of laughing hysterically, I said calmly "I'm visiting Mark and I can't deal with this right now." To V.'s credit, he must have heard something in my voice because he said, "Okay, we'll talk later tonight then." and then I hung up. I don't know, can we all just not rush to the front of the line to give me bad news? Please, take a number and I'll let you know when it's your turn. Keep in mind, he has to leave this Sunday for a week in DC...
Now you may think, whew! that's gotta be it for the day. No, actually not. Got home in time to feed I. dinner and got her in the bath. It's 95 degrees out today so the A/C is on and the house is feeling cool. I get I. out of the bath and while I'm dressing her in her bedroom, I notice that it's kind of warm. I figure the A/C must have shut off and then notice her clock is off and then it clicks, the power has gone off. I go to the circuit breaker to see if that will help but no. So I put I. in minimal pjs and hope that she can fall asleep without her fan, white noise, and night light on. Fortunately for me, four hours in 90 degree weather at Mark's house today has wiped her out so she fell asleep. Meanwhile I came outside to write this post while my computer still had some juice so I'm out here sweltering with a tall glass of water and an adult beverage - I didn't want all those ice cubes to go to waste! Trying to figure out what I can have for dinner without electricity - no salmon 'cause no microwave, no artichoke 'cause no electric ignition on the gas stove. Guess it's going to be a protein bar again (that was lunch).
Something's gotta give - hey, that's one of my favorite movies, maybe I should watch it. Oh wait, I can't, there's no electricity. I'm going to be sitting out here on the patio with a candle singing Kumbaya to myself all night - wait, what's that? The A/C is going on - power is back. Maybe my luck is changing? Nah, probably not but at least I have power, I. is asleep, and if I want, I can watch one of my favorite movies tonight. I won't go as far as to say life is good because right now I'm still angry with "life" but I will say that today's downward spiral may just have started subsiding.
So while I was at Mark's, V. calls back on my cell phone to tell me he's not coming home on Tuesday after all. This after he was supposed to be home last Thursday. I was in the middle of pulling up I.'s underwear in the bathroom, I sent her out, and looked in the mirror and almost began laughing hysterically because for some reason, the whole scene seemed surreal to me. I mean, I'm wiping shit off I.'s butt, I've already been hung up on once today, I'm at Mark's house dealing with all that comes with that, and now at 11:30 pm Saudi time V. decides that he has to tell me he's not coming home AGAIN instead of just waiting until tonight (CA time) and letting me know? I don't know it just seemed surreal. Instead of laughing hysterically, I said calmly "I'm visiting Mark and I can't deal with this right now." To V.'s credit, he must have heard something in my voice because he said, "Okay, we'll talk later tonight then." and then I hung up. I don't know, can we all just not rush to the front of the line to give me bad news? Please, take a number and I'll let you know when it's your turn. Keep in mind, he has to leave this Sunday for a week in DC...
Now you may think, whew! that's gotta be it for the day. No, actually not. Got home in time to feed I. dinner and got her in the bath. It's 95 degrees out today so the A/C is on and the house is feeling cool. I get I. out of the bath and while I'm dressing her in her bedroom, I notice that it's kind of warm. I figure the A/C must have shut off and then notice her clock is off and then it clicks, the power has gone off. I go to the circuit breaker to see if that will help but no. So I put I. in minimal pjs and hope that she can fall asleep without her fan, white noise, and night light on. Fortunately for me, four hours in 90 degree weather at Mark's house today has wiped her out so she fell asleep. Meanwhile I came outside to write this post while my computer still had some juice so I'm out here sweltering with a tall glass of water and an adult beverage - I didn't want all those ice cubes to go to waste! Trying to figure out what I can have for dinner without electricity - no salmon 'cause no microwave, no artichoke 'cause no electric ignition on the gas stove. Guess it's going to be a protein bar again (that was lunch).
Something's gotta give - hey, that's one of my favorite movies, maybe I should watch it. Oh wait, I can't, there's no electricity. I'm going to be sitting out here on the patio with a candle singing Kumbaya to myself all night - wait, what's that? The A/C is going on - power is back. Maybe my luck is changing? Nah, probably not but at least I have power, I. is asleep, and if I want, I can watch one of my favorite movies tonight. I won't go as far as to say life is good because right now I'm still angry with "life" but I will say that today's downward spiral may just have started subsiding.
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