As in "So much to say but don't even know how to say it."
Or "So much for jail teaching her a lesson."
Or "I hate my sister so much."
I think that last sentence is the most truthful and if I am being really honest, it only scratches the surface of emotions, namely anger, that I feel towards her.
I don't want to get into details because I don't want to become too enraged again. Short story is that she's been out of jail for 6 days. Last night she shows up at my parents' house at midnight causing a scene with some shit story about going off with some guys (instead of staying at the rescue mission) and getting all her stuff taken by them along with being raped by them as well. It's all bullshit because she always says she's raped and then changes the story on a daily basis. She was thrown out of the rescue mission last night because she was taking too long to eat due to the fact that the meal was not vegan and when the lady told her she needed to finish up, my sister went crazy on her and cussed her out. How she got clear up to Carlsbad from downtown San Diego I don't know.
So what do my parents do because they don't want to have the neighbors see a police car in front of their house? They scream and yell back and forth with her and then let her sleep in their car in the garage and lock the house door so she can't get in. It's pretty obvious she's back on drugs. They spent the whole day trying to find a place for her to sleep tonight but they all have waiting lists. She had to go to some "substance abuse assessor" down at the court in Vista today so my parents drove her there and then to the pharmacy to get her meds filled. Of course the whole time she's telling them that this is all their fault, that they made her a drug addict because they drank wine when she was growing up, and just being a fucking bitch. There was yelling and screaming but you can't argue with crazy. Tomorrow she has to go back to the courthouse because I don't think she was able to see that assessor or something. Who knows. After spending the whole day with her blaming them for everything, my dad refused to have her sleep at the house. So what do they do? Get her a motel room across from the courthouse so that it will be easy for him to pick her up. It's insanity on top of insanity.
Supposedly there's some place in Lemon Grove/El Cajon that may be able to take her tomorrow. I don't know. My dad just sounds like he's going to have a heart attack and I don't want to ask very many questions.
I cannot even begin to verbally express how much I hate her. I told V. today when I talked to him briefly that it was a good thing I had the kiddos because if I didn't, I would probably drive over there and just go off on her. She truly is the ugliest, nastiest, piece of shit and waste of oxygen I know.
Another good reason why I should keep my home away from North County.
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
I just read my post from last year's Mother's Day and was hoping for a better experience. I wish I could say it was, but it wasn't. Not even by a long shot. Am I disappointed? Surprisingly enough, I'm not. If anything, I'm relieved. Relieved that it's over. That bums me out because this was MY holiday too not just my mom's like it always has been. I waited a long time to be eligible for this holiday and to me, it is a big deal because it's a celebration of who I am today, what I dreamed of and what I worked hard to get to. And it was basically ruined. Now that I am delving into my feelings, I'm really, truly, and deeply angry under that feeling of relief.
It started before we even were seated at the restaurant. I. had to use the restroom as soon as we arrived so while the rest of our group (except for my mom and sister) were seated, we went to the restroom. That's where my mom and sister were. My mom was having an unexpected female problem and she was literally bleeding all over one of the stalls. I mean it was bad. When I. and I walked in, my sister was standing near the sinks with her usual ugly look on her face and wouldn't even say hello when I said hi. She just stared at us until I repeated myself. My mom asked her if she could get some wet towels so she could clean up the floor and stall. My sister held the towels over the top of the door and then started berating my mom because she wasn't immediately taking them from her. I told my sister to just wait a second and stop making a bad situation worse. This is how it all started.
At the table I was trying to figure out what we were ordering since we had organized this meal and was talking to my dad about it. My sister was across from me, staring, asked what we were thinking of ordering and then said, "I'm not eating any of that." So my dad asks her, "Well, what will you eat?" - a seemingly valid question to which she snottily and replies as though irritated, "I don't know." Then she says she just wants a piece of pizza and I told her that they didn't sell it by the slice that she'd have to get a small pizza and she said that everyone else would have to eat it then because she only wanted a slice. Fast forward to the ordering process where she asks for the pizza without cheese, no oil but bring olive oil on the side.
The pizza came before the rest of the food and it appeared to her that there was a piece of pizza with cheese on it, a very small piece of cheese. Well, she goes ballistic that she's not going to eat this, she's sick of ordering things and not getting what she ordered and that they need to make her another pizza. I mean, off the fucking deep end about a stupid pizza. Even though I'm sitting across from her, I start concentrating on I. and others so that I don't lose it and my parents are having to deal with it. If it had stopped there, the meal would have been salvagable but it didn't. Nope, not even close.
Because when the poor waitress shows up my sister basically shoves the pizza platter at her and starts telling her in this snotty, obnoxious tone what the "sky is falling" pizza situation is. She told her once but that wasn't enough. She said it 3 times increasingly raising her voice that "She wasn't going to eat it. This isn't what I told you I wanted and you need to go back, etc." And that's when I lost it.
I told her to stop treating the waitress like she was an idiot and that all she needed to say was that there was cheese on it and could she bring you another one without cheese. She started trying to defend how she was acting and I told her that it was embarrassing how she treated people like crap who didn't deserve it and that she was just the waitress not the one who cooked it and didn't deserve to be treated like an idiot. I asked her if she even realized how she treated people and finished with the fact that even I. knew not to talk to people like that. The whole time she just stared at me with no expression on her face which pissed me off even more so I said I needed to go outside. Because honestly I couldn't stand to look at her across the table one more minute (I didn't say that part). I. piped up and said she needed to go the bathroom so instead I took her and then came back. But the meal was ruined for me and having to fake it the rest of the day like everything was fine while pointedly ignoring my sister was exhausting.
For years I have struggled with my feelings about my sister. And when I say years I mean for the last 14. I have struggled with hating what she was putting my parents and entire family through, agonizing over the wrong choices she made and the pain she was causing herself, feeling guilty about how much I disliked her as a person. Always stopping before I said out loud, "I hate her." Today that guilt is gone and I have no problem saying it. It's a statement of fact. I don't think it probably jives with being godly but in the past much of my own struggles have been caused by all the "I shouldn't think, I shouldn't feel" statements that I would tell myself denying myself my own strong feelings.
Well no more. It brings me no happiness to say it but it also isn't causing me internal conflict. For my own mental and emotional health, it's the healthy thing to do. Right now, I need to stay healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally so that I can be there to teach my young daughter right and wrong, support and love my husband, and provide the best possible start for life of my unborn son. And if that means I have to call a spade a spade, then that's what I'm going to do.
It started before we even were seated at the restaurant. I. had to use the restroom as soon as we arrived so while the rest of our group (except for my mom and sister) were seated, we went to the restroom. That's where my mom and sister were. My mom was having an unexpected female problem and she was literally bleeding all over one of the stalls. I mean it was bad. When I. and I walked in, my sister was standing near the sinks with her usual ugly look on her face and wouldn't even say hello when I said hi. She just stared at us until I repeated myself. My mom asked her if she could get some wet towels so she could clean up the floor and stall. My sister held the towels over the top of the door and then started berating my mom because she wasn't immediately taking them from her. I told my sister to just wait a second and stop making a bad situation worse. This is how it all started.
At the table I was trying to figure out what we were ordering since we had organized this meal and was talking to my dad about it. My sister was across from me, staring, asked what we were thinking of ordering and then said, "I'm not eating any of that." So my dad asks her, "Well, what will you eat?" - a seemingly valid question to which she snottily and replies as though irritated, "I don't know." Then she says she just wants a piece of pizza and I told her that they didn't sell it by the slice that she'd have to get a small pizza and she said that everyone else would have to eat it then because she only wanted a slice. Fast forward to the ordering process where she asks for the pizza without cheese, no oil but bring olive oil on the side.
The pizza came before the rest of the food and it appeared to her that there was a piece of pizza with cheese on it, a very small piece of cheese. Well, she goes ballistic that she's not going to eat this, she's sick of ordering things and not getting what she ordered and that they need to make her another pizza. I mean, off the fucking deep end about a stupid pizza. Even though I'm sitting across from her, I start concentrating on I. and others so that I don't lose it and my parents are having to deal with it. If it had stopped there, the meal would have been salvagable but it didn't. Nope, not even close.
Because when the poor waitress shows up my sister basically shoves the pizza platter at her and starts telling her in this snotty, obnoxious tone what the "sky is falling" pizza situation is. She told her once but that wasn't enough. She said it 3 times increasingly raising her voice that "She wasn't going to eat it. This isn't what I told you I wanted and you need to go back, etc." And that's when I lost it.
I told her to stop treating the waitress like she was an idiot and that all she needed to say was that there was cheese on it and could she bring you another one without cheese. She started trying to defend how she was acting and I told her that it was embarrassing how she treated people like crap who didn't deserve it and that she was just the waitress not the one who cooked it and didn't deserve to be treated like an idiot. I asked her if she even realized how she treated people and finished with the fact that even I. knew not to talk to people like that. The whole time she just stared at me with no expression on her face which pissed me off even more so I said I needed to go outside. Because honestly I couldn't stand to look at her across the table one more minute (I didn't say that part). I. piped up and said she needed to go the bathroom so instead I took her and then came back. But the meal was ruined for me and having to fake it the rest of the day like everything was fine while pointedly ignoring my sister was exhausting.
For years I have struggled with my feelings about my sister. And when I say years I mean for the last 14. I have struggled with hating what she was putting my parents and entire family through, agonizing over the wrong choices she made and the pain she was causing herself, feeling guilty about how much I disliked her as a person. Always stopping before I said out loud, "I hate her." Today that guilt is gone and I have no problem saying it. It's a statement of fact. I don't think it probably jives with being godly but in the past much of my own struggles have been caused by all the "I shouldn't think, I shouldn't feel" statements that I would tell myself denying myself my own strong feelings.
Well no more. It brings me no happiness to say it but it also isn't causing me internal conflict. For my own mental and emotional health, it's the healthy thing to do. Right now, I need to stay healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally so that I can be there to teach my young daughter right and wrong, support and love my husband, and provide the best possible start for life of my unborn son. And if that means I have to call a spade a spade, then that's what I'm going to do.
Friday, July 23, 2010
You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me Part 2
I woke up this morning not feeling too great after a late night, emotional drama, that extra drink, and the knowledge that today is The Day. I was tearing up as I put my pajamas on but pulled it together to get I. up and fed.
I had just sat down for breakfast when the phone rang and I answered it, thinking it was V. calling us back. It wasn't. It was my dad who tells me that his esteemed friend and mentor who he has been working for unceremoniously eliminated his position yesterday and threw him out on the street. Oh yeah, please send the laptop back too while you're at it.
To say that my dad is crushed doesn't even scratch the surface. He is panicked and hurt beyond words. He trusted this guy and worked for pennies because he was promised another position and stock in the company. This is the third time this has happened to him. This is the third time I've gotten one of these phone calls from him. Sobbing his heart out, saying they'll lose the house, he's a 63 year old loser, etc. On today, of all days. He needs my help updating his resume and I need to do it now because I'm leaving on vacation soon. I will be calling him back in an hour to see what edits he needs. I fully anticipate that this will be another emotional phone call. I am worried about him because I think they are probably not in good shape financially and my father has his value as a person defined by what he has been able to provide for his family.
My stomach is in knots, my blood pressure feels like it's sky high, I am light headed. I'm having to seal all this off into a compartment so that I can still function as a full-time mother and this "act" is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be ridiculous, utterly and absolutely ridiculous.
I had just sat down for breakfast when the phone rang and I answered it, thinking it was V. calling us back. It wasn't. It was my dad who tells me that his esteemed friend and mentor who he has been working for unceremoniously eliminated his position yesterday and threw him out on the street. Oh yeah, please send the laptop back too while you're at it.
To say that my dad is crushed doesn't even scratch the surface. He is panicked and hurt beyond words. He trusted this guy and worked for pennies because he was promised another position and stock in the company. This is the third time this has happened to him. This is the third time I've gotten one of these phone calls from him. Sobbing his heart out, saying they'll lose the house, he's a 63 year old loser, etc. On today, of all days. He needs my help updating his resume and I need to do it now because I'm leaving on vacation soon. I will be calling him back in an hour to see what edits he needs. I fully anticipate that this will be another emotional phone call. I am worried about him because I think they are probably not in good shape financially and my father has his value as a person defined by what he has been able to provide for his family.
My stomach is in knots, my blood pressure feels like it's sky high, I am light headed. I'm having to seal all this off into a compartment so that I can still function as a full-time mother and this "act" is making me feel like I'm losing my mind. If it wasn't so horrible, it would be ridiculous, utterly and absolutely ridiculous.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
You've Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me
An unplanned extra drink tonight. I thought today was going well until it wasn't.
Toy Story 3 was good, not too sad unless you were going through empty nest syndrome right now. We both enjoyed the popcorn and some cuddling - that's always good.
The afternoon consisted of getting I.'s stuff in the washing machine, taking one cat to get a shot and then coming home and watching I.'s baby videos on the television. Everything was good until we got upstairs and that reoccuring (lately) problem of backtalking and attitude. raised its ugly head. I've got to find an instant "go-to" response to that, one that works that is.
I. has been up twice hungry (9:30 and 10:15pm) and I've given her food twice. Now I have to stay up to wait til she falls asleep and I can close her door to keep the cats out. Meanwhile, all hell has broken loose...
My friend Terry sent a text message at 5:30 saying, can you go for coffee tomorrow? I was planning on the gym but since Mark's death hit me like a ton of bricks in the shower tonight, I was scared that maybe I would break down at the gym. So I decided that coffee with Terry would be much preferable. Then I thought we would take flowers to Mark's grave in the afternoon seeing that tomorrow is his anniversary. Sounds good, huh?
I got a phonecall/voicemail from Jodi at 7:30 saying the party was cancelled and to keep her and Hunter in her thoughts. Okay, but then at 10pm, Brian (Mark's friend) texts me that he's banned from Hunter and Jodi's life. After a brief text exchange, I find out that I AM ALSO BANISHED because anyone who has anything to do with Mark's party on Saturday is banished from their lives. Tomorrow I hope to talk to Brian and find out exactly what happened.
Not only that, I then go on to FB and see that I've been REMOVED from her friends' list. I still want to take flowers to Mark's grave and I think I still will. I haven't had any convo with Jodi and this is the first anniversary. I want to put flowers on his grave. If she's there, let her bring up the unpleasantry, I'm not going to. I'm there for Mark, not her and her petty, vulgar bullshit. Why, why does this kind of drama and stress have to surround this sad, grieving time?
FUCK HER!
Toy Story 3 was good, not too sad unless you were going through empty nest syndrome right now. We both enjoyed the popcorn and some cuddling - that's always good.
The afternoon consisted of getting I.'s stuff in the washing machine, taking one cat to get a shot and then coming home and watching I.'s baby videos on the television. Everything was good until we got upstairs and that reoccuring (lately) problem of backtalking and attitude. raised its ugly head. I've got to find an instant "go-to" response to that, one that works that is.
I. has been up twice hungry (9:30 and 10:15pm) and I've given her food twice. Now I have to stay up to wait til she falls asleep and I can close her door to keep the cats out. Meanwhile, all hell has broken loose...
My friend Terry sent a text message at 5:30 saying, can you go for coffee tomorrow? I was planning on the gym but since Mark's death hit me like a ton of bricks in the shower tonight, I was scared that maybe I would break down at the gym. So I decided that coffee with Terry would be much preferable. Then I thought we would take flowers to Mark's grave in the afternoon seeing that tomorrow is his anniversary. Sounds good, huh?
I got a phonecall/voicemail from Jodi at 7:30 saying the party was cancelled and to keep her and Hunter in her thoughts. Okay, but then at 10pm, Brian (Mark's friend) texts me that he's banned from Hunter and Jodi's life. After a brief text exchange, I find out that I AM ALSO BANISHED because anyone who has anything to do with Mark's party on Saturday is banished from their lives. Tomorrow I hope to talk to Brian and find out exactly what happened.
Not only that, I then go on to FB and see that I've been REMOVED from her friends' list. I still want to take flowers to Mark's grave and I think I still will. I haven't had any convo with Jodi and this is the first anniversary. I want to put flowers on his grave. If she's there, let her bring up the unpleasantry, I'm not going to. I'm there for Mark, not her and her petty, vulgar bullshit. Why, why does this kind of drama and stress have to surround this sad, grieving time?
FUCK HER!
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