Day 73

This was supposed to be a post about how I took D. to LEGOLAND waterpark and then picked I. up from my parents after her couple of days with them.  So let's address what the post was supposed to be about:  D. and I had a good time together at the waterpark.  Another day of no tantrums, no angst and just fun all the way around.  I. was tired when I picked her up thanks to my parents getting her in bed late both nights but I'm hoping that she gets some restful sleep tonight so that we can enjoy our last summer weekday tomorrow.  Still deciding what we are going to do but am leaning towards going to the beach all together one last time...

Now for the bizarre part of this post.  On the way to LEGOLAND today, I remembered that I had had a dream about Mark last night and though I couldn't remember specifics, I remembered that I had had it.  Fast forward to two hours into our waterpark visit and I'm standing watching D. play.  A couple of other little boys start playing next to D. and as I'm looking at them, Mark pops into my mind front and center.  It takes me by surprise because I'm not sure why but then think maybe it's because I'm watching little boys play which reminds me of Mark's little boy.  A couple of minutes later, I glance about 4 feet from me and see Mark's wife/widow and I realize that the little boy playing next to D. is Mark's son!  Since she cut me out of their lives once Mark was gone, I got my fill of looking at him before I said hello.  She didn't realize it was me at first and it was awkward to say the least.  She did eventually talk to me but that's not what's important.  What sticks in my mind is how his eyes were Mark's (which is what made me think of him) and when she said, "Show Papa's friend your Papa smile," and he smiled and it was that little joyful smile of Mark.  I know I should have felt happiness that this was his son and he was obviously a thriving, happy kid but instead I just felt a deep, bone-ache grief and the loss like a knife was just shoved through my heart.  Tonight I just let go and felt the sadness as memories of us came flooding in and I really think that although I may be coping well overall, I would be coping better if Mark was still here.  We just had a way of being there for one another without expectations that created a calming confidence within each other.  I think that lack of expectations was due to being great friends and nothing further, it left all the rest of it out. 

With the dream, my glance at his son without realizing it was him, and then his son smiling his smile of Mark's at me, it was like Mark caught my mind, my eye, and then my heart respectively.  I'm praying that I will see him again and miss my friend terribly.