A Day

Today was a day - some laughs, some crying, some getting things off of chests, and of course some insanity. Your basic emotional roller coaster that I could seriously do without. I can't wait to see what night terrors my subconscience puts together tonight as it attempts to process this day. I'll try to be succinct.

This afternoon was my sister's birthday celebration. Does it make me a horrible person to say it's hard to celebrate anything about her? Part of me feels guilty and part of me looks at the toll it has taken on my mother and how she's caused my parents to be out of my and I.'s life for the past year and then I don't feel guilty at all, I just feel mad.

First the getting things off chests, my sister was telling me how much she was working out in the gym and was showing me her muscles. She kept going on about it til I couldn't take it and I said, "That's good you're going taking care of yourself but how is the job search going?" Then she started talking about a possibility at Walmart from 11pm-8am blah-blah-blah and I could feel my mother tensing up but I wasn't sure why UNTIL my sister makes a comment about my parents taking her to work at 10:45pm every night and then picking her up first thing in the morning. I said, "Maybe you should get a moped or something to get you there." She gave me this disdainful look like I was out of my fucking mind and said sarcastically, "I should just get a bicycle then." I said, "That's even better because then you could get a workout in before and after work." She gave me this snotty look which caused the gloves to come off. I told her that she needed to get a job and start being an adult because I was tired of watching my mom stressing out and getting all these health problems as a result. It's been the same story about "looking" for a job for 5 years and there's always an excuse and I was tired of it. Later she acted like it never happened and after all the drugs she's taken, maybe in her jacked-up mind, it never did.

Of course the insanity had to do with my sister. Namely the fact that yesterday she picked up a random snake by the side of the road, put it in her purse/bag and then took it to the library with her. She figured out later on, after she carried it with her the whole day, that it was a rattlesnake. What a moron. The usual overly loud, out of control laughter about nothing. When it was time to leave, I went to give her a hug (it was her birthday party for God's sakes) and she was laughing uproariously so while hugging, I asked her why and it turns out she had farted. She's 27 years old and she farted in the kitchen right next to me. Do I really need to say anything more?

The laughter part was related to the rattlesnake incident. My sister had text messaged my brother about the snake yesterday so one of her presents from him were frozen mice. He had told me beforehand so we were all howling when she started opening it. He has a funny sense of humor and I like that. That was the good part of the day.

The crying part was tonight after we got home. V. acted again today when we left my parents' house like I was annoying, just like he did on Saturday morning and it crushed me. We were in separate cars so I had the whole drive home to ruminate over it which is never a good thing. I really don't want to go into the details but leave it said that I'm not in a great place and have teared up several times tonight. I just feel like he doesn't like me very much, doesn't find me funny, and is distant again. He poopoos all of it but it doesn't change his behavior. All my old insecurities are popping up in a big way tonight and I'm desperately hoping that a night's sleep and a good family day tomorrow will help.