Those Old Issues AGAIN

Even though we ended on a high note on Monday night, those old issues/feelings that first resurfaced last summer and then again this weekend have sunk their claws into my psyche. Now it doesn't take much more than a series of coincidences and bad timing to have them morph into some big thing that isn't real though it certainly feels real enough.

The coincidences/bad timings occurred last night. The first was that while I was talking to V., his ex-friend with benefits now just a friend called on his other line. Now this is not normally an issue even though while we were dating it was. I know they talk now and then and I inquire as to what she's up to etc. But with my bruised psyche, I found it interesting that she called at 8pm. which means she knew he wasn't home with me therefore, it was okay to call after hours. On a normal day, I would have chalked this up to the fact that there was a major reorganization announced today which involved V. so she was probably just calling to talk about that. But it's not a normal day...

The second part of bad timing is that Dr. Phil had a show that involved common signs of a cheating spouse. I don't think V. is cheating and I knew I should just hit the delete button but once you start picking the scab it's hard not to just rip the whole thing off, you know? That stupid show led me to a website with info. Like a hypochondriac looking for a disease, I looked at that and by the end of it, I was sick to my stomach. Weight loss, resurgence of working out, may need more time to self, may seem bored with you or family life, emotionally distant, less excited about being with you. Of course, there's about 12 others that don't describe V. but why let that get in the way of a good nervous breakdown?

I need to stop and I know that. This is getting me nowhere but spiraling downward and I already know where the bottom of that pit lies. I need to focus on I. and what I can do to improve our relationship. V. is the most loyal guy I know and he knows in no uncertain terms what it would do to me and our little family if he did stray (I quote, "If you fuck up I.'s world, I will fuck you up so bad.") Did I mention the "no uncertain terms"?! I believe in honesty so that there are no misconceptions. Okay, that made me smile just a little so I'll end there and get on with my day.