The Big Sayonara to 2009

About 80% of me feels like if the Year 2009 was standing in front of me, I'd flip a big ole birdie at it 'cause on many fronts, it's been a shitty year. Namely, because Mark died and V. was gone the whole friggin' year. Two important males in my life just were gone and I felt very "left". How could I not? The foundations of my life and my own mortality were shaken this year - I feel anxiety about both topics and if my life can go back to normal once V. is back home remains to be seen. I might also flip the birdie to 2009 in defiance to say, "No matter what you or your other past buddies have thrown at me, I'M STILL HERE!"

The other 20% of me looks back at 2009 wistfully. This is the year my baby girl turned 4, began the process of wearing underpants, and went to preschool. What a year 2009 has been for her! For these things I am grateful because I. has been so excited about these things and how could I not share her joy? It's also the last full year of my 30's - ugh. I try to remind myself back when I was 29, going on 30 that I was down about that too but I've got to tell you, my 30's were SO MUCH better than my 20's were not only for the life situations that occurred but also for the way I became so much more comfortable with myself and unapologetic for who I was. Now, as I approach the end of my 30's, I feel like this process will only continue and allow myself even more freedom to just be who I know I am and not be who I am not and most importantly, be okay with that. The one portion of this 20% that I am not wistful about, just plain thankful, is that even though I would MUCH rather have V. home full-time with us, I. and I have truly bonded in a way we probably would not have if it hadn't just been the two of us. That is something that will hopefully go a long way in our future when times get tough, as I know they will. My dad worked a lot when I was little and it was really just my mom and I and we were and still are very close. She was the person I had the most fun with and when I went into my teenage years, there were some bumps but really nothing big because she and I viewed ourselves as being on the same team. I hope this past year has poured us a thick, sturdy foundation for us upon which we will build the rest of our life's relationship.

Kickback Day in Palm Desert

Yesterday was a physically exhausting day what with packing, cleaning the cat room and equipment, carrying everything down 3 flights of stairs, loading the car, driving 2 hours, and then unloading the car including carrying everything up another flight of stairs. I was pooped and not looking forward to Saturday when I'll have to do it all again.

Today, I planned a kickback day for I. and I to just bum around, relax, and play because we don't get to do that enough when we're at home because there is always something that needs to be, an errand to be run etc. So to have no plans except for an early Mexican food dinner was heaven. We leisurely got ready and then we went on a tricycle ride and after that, a walk around the complex. Lunch and then we did puzzles out on the patio since it had finally warmed up to above 60 and played with all the other toys we had brought. The day was filled beautiful sunshine, cool air, fluffy white clouds, the giggles of a little girl and the smile of her momma loving to watch her. Yes, we both did miss V. but trying to enjoy the opportunity we have while we're here in Palm Desert. For I., it comes naturally that childlike ability to really enjoy each moment rather than looking forward, backward, anywhere but at the very moment. Today I was really able to do it and both I. and I benefitted from it.

The trick is to do this when I'm at home in my normal life. Sounds like a resolution to me...

Unexpected Emotions

I thought I had successfully navigated making it through Christmas in one piece, emotionally speaking. So imagine my surprise on the eve of my vacation finding myself really down. I can't believe it. I was at the gym when it hit me like a door in the face so I jumped on the treadmill where all my really good, insightful thinking occurs. About 15 minutes later, I realized why I am feeling so down. I know, I really should be better at this "figuring my emotions out" by this stage in life but I'm not and it takes so work to drill down to the source.

Anyways, here it is: this is the first time since 2001 that I spent this week between Christmas and New Year's not hibernating somewhere with V. Even last year, when he missed Christmas, we still had our hibernation to look forward to. So it's another one of those firsts that I could have done without. Here I thought I was circumventing this by making sure I wasn't sitting at home on New Year's and while a scenery change and change of place will be quite nice before starting off the new year, it's not the same. Not even a little. This week was always for us (V. and I) to relax, to relish in unstructured days, afternoons, and evenings. Before I. was born, it was the highlight of our year to just cut lose and act like irresponsible human beings rather than the stressed, responsibility-laden professionals that we had to be all year long.

I remember one year, after a particularly horrible year, all we could hear on that winding, 2 lane road up the mountain to Idyllwild were the cacophony of clankings going on in the trunk of the various bottles of liquor as they swayed against one another. Every time they clanked, it would just set us off laughing all over again. Needless to say, after that 4 or 5 days, there wasn't much clanking on the way back down the mountain. I.'s second year up, it started snowing so hard that we barely made it into Idyllwild but couldn't get any farther where our cabin was. We had to park and I was running around town in my sneakers trying to find someplace that had a vacancy for us for that night. Very stressful at the time, but a funny memory looking back. I. was not even 2 months when she went up for her first visit and the pictures and video I have from that visit is especially sweet. Us and our new little family, hibernating together in the cabin. So many good memories....

I am looking forward to our vacation but part of me is just really sad about it. I'm already missing the cat's company at night - how pathetic is that?! Once we get out there, I'm going to concentrate on enjoying it for what it is - it's not a replacement of our hibernation week in Idyllwild, it just can't be without V. It is a change of pace and scenery for I. and I and a reward to me for making it to the last day of the year still standing and pretty much intact. That is definitely something to celebrate. And hopefully we all can hibernate together in the next few months.

Boxing Day - My Style

I'm not sure what Boxing Day means in Canada, but here in my household now that I. is here, Boxing Day means spending a lot of time reorganizing toys - moving still useful toys that are not played with too often to the downstairs closet, moving no longer played with toys to the garage, and donating all those toy items that I have been dying to get rid of. This once a year project led to I.'s bedroom closet project which included closet reorganization, the addition of toys, and a major bookshelf overhaul in which most of the baby board books were removed to make room for additional, age appropriate books. You see, my parents kept all of my and my 2 siblings books so to say that we have a lot of children's books would be an understatement. Not that I'm complaining about that except that we don't have a lot of storage and between keeping her clothes, her baby equipment, baby toys plus boxes of books (and these are just through age 11 or so), we're running out of room and quickly.

Once I started in the garage adding MORE things to it, I realized there was some overdue memorabilia boxes of mine that could stand to be whittled down and combined into smaller boxes. So I did that and was left with 5 additional boxes I could get rid of which is pretty good. The garage is far from being contained but it is much more organized and compact as of right now. All these projects took me 4 hours to do and at the end, I was physically tired and achy (especially since I went to the gym this morning) but very happy with my productiveness. I still needed to unpack the shopping bags of stuff from Christmas at my parents but I needed a break more.

So I showered and went to see the movie "It's Complicated" and enjoyed it immensely. I found it very funny and it reminded me of one of my favorite movies "Something's Gotta Give", probably because it was written and directed by the same person. I laughed, relaxed, and enjoyed myself then came home to Christmas Eve leftovers for dinner. Yes, I am on the couch tonight even though I. isn't home but not for the whole evening and on my terms. I knew the movie theater would be extra crowded tonight and that I would be too tired to enjoy a movie this evening so I went to the 4:30 showing which is still a real treat considering I have to be home by 3pm these days.

Even though I did miss I., this was a really good, satisfyingly productive day that needed to happen. I am looking forward to our getaway next week in Palm Desert just I. and I and have penciled in some tricycle riding and downtime just for us to play since I won't have as many responsibilities surrounding me out there. Something to look forward to...just what the doctor ordered!

Christmas Day

I was so exhausted by the time I got home last night around 9pm that I couldn't even attempt to blog. My body felt like it had been through a car accident from a long day plus hours on my feet on the hard tile helping fix Christmas dinner. Unfortunately, a good night's sleep was not in the cards and I literally had a nightmare every time I turned over (and I was turning over a lot because my body was achy).

Christmas morning at our house was quiet, sweet, and simple. I. was excited for me to open her gifts and the happy, satisfied look she got on her face when I told her how much I liked each one was priceless. She liked all her gift and stocking items and then it was time for the Santa present - the tricycle. She was excited to see it and jumped on board but the true excitement showed on her face when she was pedaling full-tilt on my parents' patio when we went over there. It was really neat to see!

As I got dressed and ready to go over to my parents' house, part of me was kind of sad because I knew this simple, happy feeling I had during our morning would not transfer over there and I was right. I mean, I. had fun because she loves my parents and my brother but the stress level was palapable. There's stress over the presents - the expectation level put on some of them is unbelievable. Luckily, I didn't have one of those this year but I felt uncomfortable with the amount of stuff. The real stress was my sister (big surprise there). There were very few gifts that she received that she didn't have some complaint or criticism about; it's just so irritating. She knows it all and acts like everyone else is an idiot. Even her "big" present turned into a stressful thing. My parents gave her a computer (don't even get me started). I think they view it as a way to get her to enroll in an online certificate program. Of course, she just sees it as a way to download more music onto her Ipod. She starts the computer up and announces that she needs a DVD right now to back up the programs because this is what it says she has to do. There are so many more presents for everyone to open but we are just supposed to drop everything and start running around looking for a DVD for her because that is our purpose in her life you know - to do everything that she wants immediately. That therein is where our value lies.

Her new BF that no one has met was supposed to pick her up around 3pm but that turned into a problem and when she called, he said he was tired from dropping off his daughter and didn't want to drive to pick her up. So instead of dealing with him about it, she tells my brother he has to drive her 35 minutes away to her BF's house and when he refuses, she begins yelling at him. Then she starts freaking out and yelling at my parents that she HAS TO see him and why can't they understand that? She's 26 mind you, not 14. My dad finally agress to take her, just to get her out of the house, but they need to leave now, not in 2 hours like she told the BF because he doesn't want to miss dinner. She goes up to the bedroom (that I. sleeps in that is now TRASHED after one night), grabs some clothes, and storms out of the house without any presents, any thank yous, or any goodbyes. Yeah, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

The rest of Christmas was okay - dinner prep a little stressful, parents bickering in the kitchen as tradition demands but overall, we were just so thankful that she wasn't there that we laughed a little at the table. Last night when I went to bed, I missed I. so much it made me cry. It is so confusing as a mother (especially since it's just her and I) to be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by her every day but then when she's not here, I miss her viscerally. Of course, if V. was here, it would have been okay because I would still have my role as wife. Without both of them, I feel lost - I don't have to be a wife or a mother so who am I? Just me and that's okay except during the holiday season. I don't want to be just me right now because I looked forward for over a decade to have my own little family and to celebrate with my own little family and I haven't been able to do that for the past 2 years. That's really sad. However, I've got a lot to do today while I. is playing with my parents at their house so I had better get to it!

Christmas Eve - Lessons Learned

Christmas Eve and I"m here sitting on the couch by myself but this year is SO much better than last year. First of all, I KNEW I was going to be sitting here by myself so that allowed me time to plan for it. Today was a really good day. I. and I baked for hours this morning - gingerbread for us and Santa, then cranberry almond bread and a baked egg dish for tomorrow's Christmas brunch at my parents'. We had fun cooking together and it felt good to be productive and stay at home most of the day with the Christmas music playing. It felt like Christmas Eve, not just a regular ole day. After she went to bed, I took a bath while reading a book and having a glass of wine.

Secondly, tonight V. and I were able to webcam and I got to see him open his presents up on his Christmas morning which was nice. Unfortunately, he won't get to see I. open her presents up tomorrow morning because all the staff is going out for Christmas dinner. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.

Thirdly, I know from last year that watching a traditional Christmas show tonight by myself makes it worse. So, this year I watched my favorite movie, Fried Green Tomatoes and it feels special.

I wrote my first Santa note back to I. and I feel like an official adult parent. I even did it with my left hand like my dad used to do for me. Since I am Santa, I will be having a piece of gingerbread and a glass of milk before I go to bed. Mmmm.....

Great Afternoon!

Last night I attempted to put together the tricycle and did well until the last step and got stuck. So I sent a HELP text message to a good friend of mine who has put together a few trikes and he said he would come help me out. He came over during I.'s resttime and quickly got it finished. Just for the record, the instructions left out 3 crucial details that you would only know if you had already put one together. Thank goodness he was able and willing to help - what a great friend!

About 15 minutes after he left, the doorbell rang and I opened it to discover a beautiful array of flowers with a big teddy bear tied to the vase. The card read: "Pretty Lady/Daddy's Little Cutie, Merry Christmas! I miss you both. I will be home soon. Love, V./Daddy"

Wow! So he did get me something after all which makes me happy. I'm wondering if he was planning on it for awhile or if it was in response to something I did on Monday. No, no, it's not some evil plan. I borrowed a book about marriage and was reading it on Monday night. In it, they talk about how important "respect" is to a husband; it's what "love" is to a wife. They challenge you to communicate to your husband that you respect him and why - nothing long, just something simple. The author swears that you'll see a reaction from your husband.

Being that V. is 8300 miles away, I sent him an email telling him how much I respected the hard work, long hours, and personal sacrifice he is making without any real complaint which allows me to stay at home and raise our daughter full-time. He called a couple of hours later for our normal chat but didn't say anything and never acknowledged it via email either but I know he got it. So, I'm wondering if these flowers are that "reaction" the author was talking about or if it was planned before then.

I'll tell you one thing, I'M NOT ASKING! Because to ask is to jinx it, I just know it! I'll just look at my pretty Christmas flowers and smile...

Part 3 - I'm Exhausted & Confused

I figured I should finish this saga since Part 3 just concluded. My eyes are swollen with crying and I am emotionally spent but there was a good part and a bad part to #3.

V. called and wondered why I was so quiet so I told him what I said in my last post that I was going to tell him (angry and betrayed). I had gotten some time to think about things and realized that it wasn't the dollar amount but the inappropriateness of the gift that bothered me. So I told him that I was more than willing to give $200 in gifts to each girl but in things that were more appropriate for 17 year olds, such as clothes, or gift cards for clothing stores, accessory stores, and ITunes. He got silent and said he was irritated with me for making a value judgement on the gifts he was giving and asked whether he ever had made value judgements on the gifts I had chosen for my family. That pissed me off and I told him that I don't buy INAPPROPRIATE gifts for my family just because they want them. I said, "Even though my mother may want a $400 purse, I would never buy it for her!" and he knows that so it was a really stupid argument. A $200 purse is okay for a woman in her 20s or 30s who is making her own money not a high schooler with no job.

I told him that it really confuses me because we have always been on the same financial page and I just cannot believe that he thinks it's okay to buy $200 purses for the girls. So, are you ready? Cause here comes the kicker. He finally gets angry enough to blurt out, "Just so you know, I didn't like the idea of the purses and I told that and that this would be the last year I did this!"

Ok, what , huh?!!! I started yelling at him, "Why the hell didn't you tell me that? We wouldn't have been having these discussions for the last 2 days and I wouldn't have been getting upset if you had told me that!" If I knew he had finally stood up and barked about this, I wouldn't have felt the need to stand up and bark about it. It would have been taken care of and V. and I would still be on the same page, more importantly. It would have been "Hey, here's the situation, I handled it, we just have to make it thru this Christmas and it should be better." If he had said that before informing me of the deliveries, I would have been fine and wouldn't have said anything because I try to make V.'s life easier and better, not worse.

This sets me off crying, partially in release and partially in utter frustration because this was so avoidable if he had just told me that. Yet, he turns silent (because he's still irritated and that's what he does) and that pisses me off (like it always does). So I tell him that it's amazing how even though he left out the invaluable information, that I'm in trouble because I've dared to say to him what he said to . I told him I was tired of the punishment levied against me if I dared to give an opposing (or in this case, the same as his) opinion on a topic related to the girls. Finally, he let up because I was sobbing. I just cannot take him being angry with me, let alone 8300 miles away. Another issue to work on...

So I think we're okay for now but it saddens me to see the stress on our marriage that this year's separation has caused. I keep hoping that, like the bad times in my past life have strengthened me in my present life, this latest separation will cause us to appreciate each other's company and inner strength and make the future times together that much more special.

I’ve Had It

I'm so angry right now that it feels like my head is going to pop off my shoulders. Last night was Part 1 and tonight is Part 2 because a package arrived tonight with the Juicy Couture presents. I opened it up and couldn't see what was in there due to wrapping but there was the packing slip which read $215. I figured we'd be in for around $100 a piece so that was okay until I saw that the quantity was 1. Yes, 1 fucking purse is costing $215 and there's another one on its way. I knew we all wanted to see what a $215 purse looks like so here it is:

I'm just sick to my stomach and just plain sick of this, all of this. They're 17 years old. Next it'll be a new car or two and you know what??! We don't have the fucking money. They live in East LA, they're not fucking socialites in Beverly Hills. I'm tired of being cast in the role as a bitchy stepmom because I object to these kinds of purchases. But I'm tired of the different rules for the 1st family vs. the 2nd family. I'm sure V.'d say, "Well, go ahead and get yourself one of those purses then." but the truth is we can't afford to be spending the way we do for their family or we'd be in debt.

Here's the other ridiculous part. So we buy them these extravagant gifts. Then V. has to take the girls to buy his ex what she wants for Christmas PLUS we have to pay for what they buy me and I. for Christmas (and every holiday really). Isn't that fucking amazing? WE PAY FOR EVERYTHING! I guess that's why I. didn't get a bday present, because V. wasn't here to go buy it for them. So how much do you want to bet that we'll give them these extravangant gifts and they'll give us nothing because we didn't pay for it?! It's truly unfuckingbelievable.

I feel like I am always giving of myself to everyone but except for I., I NEVER consistently get anything back in return. I try to make people feel special and loved but in return no one, not V., not the girls, and many times not even my own family, gives anything back to me. I have to pay for my own gifts in order for them to give me - if that doesn't sum it up, I don't know what does.

I'm so angry and I feel betrayed too because V. KNEW how I would react which is why he did it himself. Again, he and the ex decided what the shakedown was going to be and he went and did it and told me after the fact. I actually did talk to him last night about that. I thought the items would be around $100 a piece plus I had already gotten each a $50 Itunes card. But over $200 a piece???!!!

Honestly, I don't want to talk to him tonight and if he wasn't 8000 miles away, I would send him an email telling him that. But since he's so far away, I guess I'll let him call and tell him then that I'm too angry and betrayed by his little "end run" game that I don't want to talk to him. Of course, you know that'll break my heart more than his. Why do things have to get worse right now when things are already so difficult?

Our Christmas Tree

I realized that I never did post pictures of our tree (at least I didn't see where I did when I looked quickly). So here they are:


First Year of Decorating


Hanging Ornaments!


We Have a Good Size Tree!

The Good and the Not So Good

I haven't posted for awhile because I've been sick and just had nothing left after a full day with I. Anyways, I'll start with the good. I. and I had a fun time making a gingerbread house with friends earlier this week. The kids played so well together that we were able to sit down and have a conversation that actually made sense - what a treat!

Yesterday I had a nice lunch with Terry and it was nice to sit down just the two of us and talk about whatever came to mind. It's always fun and easy with him. Today, I. and I went to the Helen Woodward Center to learn about and visit with dogs which we both enjoyed very much. Then, stopped off for a piece of pizza for lunch before going to preschool. Today was Baby Jesus' Birthday Party and I volunteered to help for the day, much to I.'s delight. It was a lot of fun hanging out with a bunch of excited 4 year olds for the afternoon but tiring as well. I. loved having me there so that made the experience even better - it's nice when you're kid is proud to show you off happily to her friends!

Now the not so good. Off and on last week and the week prior, I was suffering through the hassle and irritation of the "check debacle" as I call it. Without going through all the gory details, the bottom line is that due to a couple of issues, the ex's check was late and instead of contacting ME the person who has the checkbook and access to the post office, she keeps calling V., who is 8300 miles away, stressed out, and working 7 days a week 14 hours a day. To me, that just screams,"I don't give a shit about you, it's all about me. Where's my money?!!" What a bitch. Finally got that resolved late last week and had major irritation #2 handed to me this morning in the form of this exchange:

V.: "There's going to be some Juicy Couture boxes delivered to the house."
A.: "Oh really?"
V.: "Yeah, they're the other part of the girls' Xmas presents."
A.: "So, she called you again just to tell you what we were to buy them?"
V.: "This is why I just took care of it myself instead of telling you."
A." "You know, it feels again like you guys are the family and it's just I. and I over here on the sidelines. She calls you up to tell you what your girls want for Xmas and even though getting all the Xmas gifts is my job, you and her just talk it over and you go and do it without involving me at all. I guess I'm just here on my own."

Of course, he declared that ridiculous but you know, this just goes along with the "I'm taking the girls to Puerto Rico" bullshit. This is what I HATE the most about being apart for this past year - he's totally reverting back to the single man state of mind that he was in before we got together. Or as I call it "it's not all about you" attitude that he's been copping during the short times he has been home. It's like I have to break him out of it but by the time I do, he's gone again. I AM SO TIRED AND FRUSTRATED OVER THIS!

Keep in mind, they're not going to get these presents until practically February when V. comes home. Regardless, they had to be ordered and delivered now. Which brings me to a related topic that has really been making me sad, to the point of tearing up, all day. It may sound immature, childish, or even selfish but so be it - I'm still going to say it anyways. I really don't think V. is going to send me anything for Christmas and that makes me cry. I wasn't expecting anything and would have been fine, but now that he made sure to immediately do what the ex said and get gifts delivered for the girls ASAP, well that changes everything.

I'm not going to say anything because I don't want him to send me anything unless he thinks of it and wants to. If he does nothing for Christmas, that says to me that I'm not special enough to him to make an effort to communicate to me somehow that he loves, cares about, and misses me. Bottom line, he just doesn't care enough to try to do something nice for me for Christmas. If this all comes to pass, it's just going to make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day ten times harder and just adds another time this year where he had the opportunity to step up to the plate and just didn't fucking feel like it no matter how that made me feel. Keep in mind, that I did tell him that I asked my mom to take I. shopping to buy me something because I would feel really bad if there was nothing at all under the tree on Christmas morning for me. I made it clear how sad that would make me so he was put on notice.

So after that rant, what have I/did I do to try to make his Christmas special? Keep in mind, there was very little space in his suitcase and I can count on 2 fingers places that will deliver something other than flowers to Riyadh. But here it goes...I made an advent baggie for him that has a loving thought for every day thru Jan. 1st and put it in his suitcase; I had all 3 girls make him Xmas cards and included one from me too plus some pics, put them all in a Xmas sack for Xmas morning (suitcase); and I spent literally hours finding a place to send awesome French chocolates on Xmas Eve to his office in Riyadh. I didn't want to send a cake because he'll probably be there for his bday next month so I wanted something different and I was really excited when I found this place online (of course). I'll end this post now since we're back up on a positive note.

Dealing with Emotions

Kathy and I had a blast at dinner and the show. It's so nice to be with someone who I can totally be myself with and not worry that the person will be "shocked". I notice that I only am able to act like my pre-Momma self with 4 people, all of which I knew during my bad time 10 years ago. I think it's because they knew me then but also because I figure if they stuck with me then through the horrible times, then I can just let it all hang out. That's probably how I. feels about me too, come to think of it.

It's not that I am consciously holding back when I'm with my momma friends, it's like the pre-momma side of me just doesn't really appear. The problem is that whatever the post-momma side of me is, it doesn't consistently appear either. The only time I'm completely comfortable with my post-momma side is when it's just I. and I. When V. is here, he knew me then and loyally stuck by so I successfully divide myself between pre and post-momma me. Confusing, huh?

I've been waiting about 9 months to look at trikes for I.'s Santa present (she gets one from him) and so after I dropped her off at my parents' house, I went to look at some to make sure she would fit on it. Went home and ordered it online in my preferred color, $20 cheaper, free shipping. SCORE! I was so excited picturing her face when she saw it. Then, Sunday afternoon I went and picked up I. from my parents' house and the emotional upheaval began. My mom tells me she needs to show me something that they got her for Christmas and guess what? It's a Big Wheel, which is what I had been looking for but couldn't find and so settled for the trike. This thing's got lights, sounds, and buttons and if I had seen this, this is what I would have bought. I know my face just fell because my mom immediately noticed and even though we decided that they will give her it a few months from now, I still was crushed.

Maybe I'm being a baby but here's the deal. I'm trying to raise (and successfully doing so) an unspoiled, appreciative child. Also, there are 2 other children that we have to support financially so money isn't exactly flowing into the savings account. That being said, my parents are thoroughly enjoying buying lots of things for I. and that is fine by me. This is their only grandchild and I'm not going to begrudge them and it saves me having to buy some things. BUT, just a month ago for I.'s birthday, our big gift to her was to go to Legoland. When I called my parents to make sure they could go with us, my mom said that they had already planned on getting her a season pass and taking all of us to go. Yes, it saved us a bunch of money, but I no longer had her BIG present. Now, 6 mths. in the making, is her Christmas BIG present and it feels like a repeat. I feel like I was so excited only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I know she will like that other ride toy better. I mean, it has sounds, lights, buttons - come on, that's what matters to a little kid. I was so disappointed that when I showered that night, I just cried and continued sobbing at various times throughout the night.

It comes down to this: no matter what I do isn't good enough. Mentally, I challenge that but emotionally, that's how it feels. I plan for 6 months, do all my research, get what I think she wants but my parents get the better gift. I send the check to the girls' mom a couple of days late and still get grief because of it. With V. being gone the whole year, I just feel like the balls are starting to drop. I've worked hard to keep all the balls in the air - the house (needing repairs), the marriage, being a mother, daughter of a mom having health issues, finances, laundry, trash takeout, holiday decorations and celebrations (to keep I. and I's life as normal as possible), keeping myself healthy, taking care of all the pets, still dealing with the loss of Mark, etc. After this entire year, it's building up and I'm feeling overwhelmed. Then when the balls start to drop here and there about stupid, unimportant stuff (ie. the girls' check being mailed 2 days late, not cleaning I.'s tennis shoes diligently), I start saying to myself, "See, no matter how much you do, it's not good enough because the balls are still dropping."

I know I need to cut myself slack, give myself a break, and give myself credit for all the things I successfully accomplish but it's hard. I really think this is my temperament and then my parents unfortunately reinforced this self-defeating mindset unwittingly. Throughout my school years, I would bring home mostly all A's. If it was all A's and one B+, that's what they would focus on. Geez, it's no wonder that I have that line running through my head "No matter what I do, it's not good enough." That being said, I am completely aware of this and have made a conscious promise that I will not do that to I. because I already see the signs in her - easily frustrated over mistakes or unsuccessful attempts, expectation that she can do it right the first time, and thinking she can do something even though it's too advanced for her. Maybe as I give this gift to her that my parents were too young to give to me, I can learn the lesson for myself as well. How many years does it take to unlearn a lesson that's been taught to you for 20+ years? Hopefully I'll learn it before I die.

A Couple of Nights Off From Motherhood

I'm leaving in 5 minutes to meet Kathy, a good girlfriend of mine (see last week's post) to go downtown to eat and see the Seinfeld show at the Civic. I know we will have a great time because as stated previously, Kathy likes to laugh and usually brings out the feisty and sometimes raunchy side of me. You know, that side that you have to keep hidden when the kids are around.

The only sad part is that these Seinfeld tickets were an early Christmas gift to V. from my parents because V. is a rabid Seinfeld fan. So it is bittersweet that he isn't going to be enjoying it with me. Last night he was in such a bad mood (and it wasn't even 6:30am there yet) that all he said to me basically when he called was to ask if I had sent the check to the girls' mother so obviously she had taken the time to email him as to where was her money. Keep in mind, yesterday was only the 4th and she knows he's in Saudi Arabia so you know what, in my book that's being bitchy.

Will post more later about my evening off as a momma last night tomorrow when I'm back on momma duty.

Deep Breaths

Today is the day before V. goes away for the longest period of time we've been apart. It's hard not to think of today that way, it just kept popping in my brain that way. This is the last night he'll give I. a bath, the last time he kisses her goodnight for bed, the last night we'll be watching football together, the last day we'll be together joking and teasing about all of our inside jokes (because unfortunately due to the time difference, the stress, and sadness of being apart, it's hard to capture that teasing over the phone).

I don't even know when he will be back because he doesn't even know but he is warning me that it will probably be the end of January, as in 2 months from now. Yeah, I know, military wives have it rougher but unless they're husbands signed up AFTER they got married, they knew what they were getting into. We didn't and I actively made a point of avoiding military, police, and firefighter because I wanted to have a normal life without long absences. So keeping that in mind, this last year has been quite ironic.

Getting tired now so will sign off. I'm sure I'll be back in the next couple of days with an update of sorts.

A Day of Ups and Downs (#2)

I've already had another post with the same title but there just wasn't any other fitting title for today.

Here were the ups: the girls stayed another day, I wasn't on duty all night since I. was with my parents, I got to sleep until 9am (absolute bliss), we went mini-golfing,



We had a nice early dinner together, and they made a Christmas card for V. that I can put in his suitcase (I asked them to do this).

Here were the downs: V. was too tired to mini-golf with us and just moved from bench to bench, V. went to bed at 4pm until I rousted him at 7 but went back to bed at 7:30, the girls hibernated in their room from 4pm on, I started my period this afternoon, and V. never talks to the girls and it pisses me off and saddens me. I talk to them, ask questions, laugh with them and he just sits there in front of the computer or at the table and just says nothing unless he's had a margarita and has loosened up. I just don't get it - he was such an engaging, involved dad when they were 8 but the last 6 years or so, he just disengaged and it bugs me. I've talked to him about it but there's no change. He didn't even tell the girls that he wasn't going to be here for Christmas (they found out from me when I asked them to make a card for him) - that's just fucked up.

There were ups today but right now, I'm just tearing up because even though it's a full house tonight, I'm sitting here alone. I think all the girls had a good time mini-golfing, I was having to push down my frustration and disappointment that V. was COMPLETELY disengaged from us. I know he has horrible jet lag but it just hurt that he was separate from us. I have an early date night scheduled for tomorrow night and really, I don't hold much hope for it. Maybe if I keep my expectations down to nothing, I'll be pleasantly surprised. We'll see...

Trying to Live in the Moment

The title of the post contains a very hard concept for me right now. Thanksgiving went better than expected until after dinner. My mom woke up with a migraine, due to all the stress, so I knew I was going to have to really help organize everything or we wouldn't have a chance in hell at having the rest of the dinner ready when the turkey was done.

Due to the migraine meds she was on, trying to keep my mom on task was almost impossible so I got an assembly line of my brother and sister to take care of the potatoes while I took care of all the other side dishes. This allowed my mom to just take care of the easy things like getting the serving dishes and utensils and other peripheral stuff which was perfect. The dinner went off very smoothly and everyone agreed that it was the most efficient, organized, and relaxed (most importantly) Thanksgiving preparation ever. My sister didn't have a problem with the wine, in fact she had a glass which I wasn't particularly comfortable with but since my parents had put a wine glass in front of her setting, what was I going to do?

After dinner, I put I. to bed and that's when things got pretty irritating 'cause my sister was acting all weird, saying bizarre things, and doing this weird "staring thing" that she does at my brother's new girlfriend and the girls too. So people started laughing and she just kept laughing inappropriately loud and talking super loud which I was afraid would interfere with I. falling asleep (over an hour later than normal as is). So I had to keep telling her to shut up but she kept doing it until dessert. V. was falling asleep by this point so we left right after dessert. Apart from that last 30 minutes, Thanksgiving was a success but boy am I tired!

Driving home, my mind inevitably drifted to Mark. It also drifted to the fact that V. will be leaving on Monday morning at 7am-ish and be gone for the longest time we've ever been apart and at a difficult time of year. I started getting sad but am trying to not go there now but it's really hard. Sometimes it's better to deal with things in little bits before they happen so that you don't hold it together to just fall apart completely when the event actually happens. I don't know which is healthier - guess I should have figured this out before this weekend!

Silent Night, All is Calm, All is Bright

It feels like Christmas having V. and the girls here all at one time. This used to be a every weekend experience but it has been since October since we've all been together. It feels really nice. We had a family dinner at home and will be celebrating Thanksgiving at my parents' tomorrow. I'm hoping that tomorrow won't be as stressful as I think it may be - my dad is stressed with work and his high-maintenance-ness is stressing my mom out PLUS we have the wild card, my sister. God knows what she will say or do. She thinks if anyone drinks on a holiday, they are alcoholics. Okay, yeah whatever. So I'm officially in charge of the holiday wine, I'm bringing 3 bottles and I'm going to enjoy it! If that makes me an addict, then I'll have an extra glass for her too!

We'll see how tomorrow goes but regardless, it'll be good to have V. and the girls here regardless. Because after Monday, I. and I are on our own until some January date TBD. December is going to suck but I'll deal with that after V. leaves. Until then, I'll be happy with what is here. Date night scheduled this Saturday.

A Really Nice Day

Tonight I'm tired but because of a good day for a change. I went to the Zoo with my friend Kathy and I. and we had a really nice time. We were able to have adult conversation in between looking at the animals and paying attention to I. It was so nice to have some adult fun, enjoy the fall weather, and watch I. having fun. Even the adult fun turned silly as predicted:


It was comforting to me to be with someone who I have shared history with over the last 9+ years. While I was taking a shower tonight and reflecting on the day, it also struck me that this is a friend who WOULD be there supporting me if I got cancer like I was for Mark. That's been one of the things that I've been struggling with/saddened by. I have very few really close friends and I'm still not confident that V. would be all that supportive so it's a fear I have that if something happened to me, I would be very much alone. But, today I realized, Kathy would be there for me and that helps.

Today WILL Be a Better Day

I woke up this morning and thought to myself,"Today will be a better day!". It has nothing to do with determination or positive thinking though. It has to do with the fact that my ex-therapist, now good friend, facebooked me earlier this week to see if we could go for a walk today. I. doesn't have school today so I thought we could go to the zoo so I. would have plenty to look at while my friend and I talk. Even though we are just friends now as opposed to therapist-patient, she still has all those great listening qualities and has retained the ability to translate what I am saying into something that actually makes sense (carried over from our past sessions). Best of all, she has a wickedly sick sense of humor that calls out to my own sick humor. One of her infamous therapist comments to me was "You're a man trapped in a woman's body!" due to my unique way of looking at things. Whenever we are together, there is usually a lot of laughter involved.

And boy, could I use A LOT of that right now.

I'm So F*ing Done

Two phone calls I could have done without tonight. First my mom calls because I haven't called her in a week and a half so I answer the phone 'cause I know she's wondering why. The conversation was okay except for two things. First, she comments on how in the last month, several women have tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Her next comment was that it was odd because "you know, most women try to kill themselves the easy way by taking pills". Hmmm, either she's callous or has written an alternative rendition of my history 'cause that's just not something she should said to me. YOU get to that point emotionally and then swallow 300 pills and THEN tell me how easy it is, okay? I'll wait for you to get back to me on that.

Then I said something about how I've been trying to process my loss of Mark and that how I was trying to stop (I hesitated here trying to find the right word) and she decided to fill in the blank with "moping". Uh, no I haven't been moping. I've been grieving and that's what healthy normal people do when someone they love dies. You don't just go with the "you have to have a positive attitude and watch funny movies in order to feel better and move on". It's not healthy and I HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING MOPING. Give me a break.

The second phone call was from V. who informed me that IF he makes it home on Wednesday night, he'll have to fly back Monday, 5 days later. I was thinking he'd be home for his usual 10 days, meaning that we would be able to actually use the early Christmas tickets to the Seinfeld comedy show at the Civic Theater. But nope, that would be something fun so that's not allowed. So I said, "Oh great. I thought we were going to be able to go out and have fun that one night and now I'll just be sitting there by myself I guess." His response: 2 loud drawn out breaths out. So I said,"You know what, we should just get off the phone now because I am so done." And that's what we did. I'm ready for a new day.

Overwhelmed and A Little Depressed

This morning was one of the worst mornings I've had in recent memory. I woke this morning to the discovery that one of the cats had filled their stomach with dry food and then chewed on a balloon ribbon which caused he/she to barf up copious amounts of food in 4 different sections of the living room carpet. I cleaned that up after I fed the cats during which time the parrot dumped his entire bowl of food on the ground and with it being tile, the food travelled everywhere.

After the girl cat ate all her food, she started licking her lips, a sure sign that she's going to throw up, so I put her in a bathroom with easy to clean up flooring for 45 minutes. She appeared fine after that so I let her out and started preparing I.'s breakfast when all of a sudden I hear the same cat yowling, meaning "I'm going to throw up NOW!" I run up the stairs, grab her and as I am running to the bathroom she projectile vomits ALL the food all over the carpet upstairs. I used every rag I had left plus tons of cleaner but I think the carpet is permanently stained. I need to get a carpet cleaner in here if there is going to be any hope so just add that to my growing list of things that need to be done.

On top of this, as I was picking up warm, wet dry food and disgusting wet food off and out of the carpet with toliet paper, I asked I. to go downstairs and bring the bottle of cleaner up to me. She snottily responded as she went down the stairs, "I'm not going to do that at all!" Needless to say, that pissed me off so I followed her downstairs, informed her that she was not to speak to me that way and that if she wasn't going to help me at all, she wasn't going to sit down here watching her tv program either - off went the tv. So I proceeded cleaning up the second barf session with a screaming, crying 4 yr. old downstairs. It's not even 9 a.m. yet. Oh and by the way, I found a piece of a leaf that this retarded cat had chewed off of a plant which is what made her throw up AGAIN.

Got us ready, head down the stairs to leave for the gym because God knows I've GOT to get out of this house, and can you believe it? Yep, it's another barf on the frickin living room carpet, this time with a small furball. Really? So I just sat down on the stairs with my head in my hands and held back tears because I am done. Done, done, done. Then I figured, "Well, the day has got nowhere to go but up.", cleaned up the barf, and went to the gym.

It did get better but I still feel so overwhelmed and honestly, a little depressed. So many things to take care of from deciding what to get people for Chistmas, ordering it online, scheduling a carpet cleaner, taking the car in for much needed tire balance and an oil change, juggling my many appts., household finance worries, and I.'s wishes that I attend certain things at school, etc. etc. etc.

All of this PLUS I have nothing (outside of good times with I.) to look forward to. I'm so conflicted about booking something in Idyllwild in case it's just I. and I who go because I think that will make V. feel more down over there. And Thanksgiving isn't looking too hopeful for him making it and neither is Christmas or New Year's. I don't cherish the thought of doing those alone - Christmas Eve and Day last year were depressing. I already know what that feels like so I'm not looking forward to that again especially since this year has been full of so much sadness and loss that is going to be magnified by V. not being here. Oh well, maybe the next 4 days will be better over in Saudi Arabia and he will make it home at least for Thanksgiving.

Memories of Mark

After I took I. to school, I took myself out for a sushi lunch. Next week, I. does not have school so I won't get those breaks that I've been enjoying. Plus, I figured that it was cheaper to "treat" myself while she is in school since I don't have to pay a babysitter. So I enjoyed my sushi and magazine and then headed home to get a few things done and a short rest.

During the short rest, I heard UPS leave something at the door or rather I heard Hootie the parrot begin his best imitation of a very loud car alarm which he does when he sees someone approaching the door. It's actually kind of handy when you're upstairs and might be expecting someone/something at the door.

Anyways, I heard him and knew what it was. It was my Mark book that I made last week and it was here, specifically on my doorstep. Part of me wanted to go look at it but most of me knew that it was not a good idea because I was needing to leave in 10 minutes to pick I. up from school. Right before I left the house, I brought the package in and left it on the table which is where it is now. I'm going to open it now...

It's a beautiful book and I'm so glad I made it. I made it through without crying until our last 2 pictures. Those last 2 pictures just bring the last 5 days flooding back - the raw emotions, pain, the long agonizing journey to death. But again, it is a beautiful book though I WISH I had so many more photos to put in it and I'm so bummed that my wedding picture with Mark wouldn't scan adequately enough to include it. I just went and found 2 pictures from the reception with Mark and I in them so I attached them to the book and maybe I'll see if the wedding photographer (I don't even remember who it was) still has the digital file of that one photo so that I can enlarge and frame it. That would be awesome.

By All Accounts - A Sucky Day

A sucky day was bound to happen after a good couple of days. It wasn't a balls to the wall kind of bad day, it just was a combination of various "yucks" that added up to a general suckiness.

The day started out well enough - I. and I both felt pretty good and were in good moods. We went to the gym and because we were going straight to the pancreatic cancer fundraiser, I took a shower at the gym and changed into comfortable clothes. I always have liked getting to take a shower in the middle of the day - I feel less worn down than I do at the end of the day and so it just always feels more pleasurable.

Then we headed down to Ocean Beach for the fundraiser, parked about 4 long blocks away and walked to where it was being held. This is when the "yucks" began. First of all, the huge banner filled with pictures of Mark was hanging up and that brought me down. There was also 3 big blown up pictures that Jodi had put together - their first kiss at their wedding, first picture of Hunter with them, and then a picture of their last kiss that I had taken in the final days. So that was a major bummer. After about 30 minutes, there wasn't really very much to do and I. started getting bored so I took her walking around, playing in the sand, and chasing birds but you can only do that for so long. We went back to the event and there was Jodi and Hunter. I went over to say hi and she acted pretty cold towards me and said she didn't know if I was coming or not. When I said, I had RSVP'd to the event on Facebook as soon as it was posted, she said she hadn't seen that (even though she's on the list right next to me) and that I hadn't responded to the couple of emails she had sent about it. I told her since I had already RSVP'd, I figured she was just including me on the group list as a courtesy. Even after that, she pretty much ignored me. Whatever, add it to the "yucks".

To add to this, I didn't feel like I fit in at all. There were wives, daughters, sons, and parents of people who had died of P.C. but I was just "the friend" - definitely a "yuck". Then I. ramped up the whining and complaining until it was pretty much constant and included anything and everything (a very big "yuck") so we left. Probably just as well because Jodi kept telling me that I should go walk up the street a couple of blocks, as she had, and try to talk people into coming down to the event. Now, I understand that the purpose of the event was to raise awareness about P.C. but I gotta tell you, I do not want to go solicit strangers especially in Ocean Beach to get them to go see some really depressing pictures and facts on a beautiful sunny day. Will I go speak in front of City Council to raise awareness? Yes, but approaching strangers on the street is not my cup of tea, even if it has to do with Mark. (double yuck)

Right before we were leaving, Jodi was talking to some lady and then she pulled me into the conversation by saying, "Mark was lazy, right April?" I said, "Well, at work he was always a hard worker and if he got into something he'd work on it round the clock." So she kind of disregarded my comment and kept telling this lady how "lazy" Mark was as though she thought it was an endearing but annoying quality that he had possessed. Huh, what? Why are you saying these things? (YUCK) Talking with Jodi's mom was depressing because she told me how Mark's family had shown up last night for the candlelight vigil down on Harbor Dr. and Jodi had gone ballistic, screaming and carrying on that she was going to file a restraining order and forbade them from coming to today's event. That makes me not like her very much because who made her the nonprofit's security, the decider of who can and cannot come to an event. What, is Mark's family supposed to join the LA Chapter of PanCan just so they can honor their son? I just think it's really self centered and immature and I'm getting rather tired of it. (YUCK)

Once we got home, I was wiped out but I knew I had a peed on bedsheet that I was going to have to change before I. went to bed. I went up there to discover that one of the cats had scarfed down an extraordinary amount of dry food and then heaved it all up, including stomach juices, all over I.'s room. No joke, it started at the doorway and continued diagonally across to the opposite corner of the room. (yuck) Needless to say, I was less than thrilled about this.

But thankfully, I. is now down for the night, the house is quiet, and I can sit down and relax. Even though I feel more sadness about Mark, writing this out felt good because it got all this "yuck" clutter out of my brain so now I can just sit and "be" for awhile.

A Really Good Day

A good day today for us! For the past couple of months, I've been craving breakfast at a specific restaurant but would always find reasons why I "shouldn't" go. But this morning, I was really craving it and in keeping with my current philosophy of "do it now", I. and I went and had breakfast out on a Saturday morning. Boy did it ever hit the spot and it put me in a good mood to do something pleasurable for the heck of it and have it be out of our normal routine. After satisfying that craving, we went straight to the gym to hopefully neutralize some of the dietary damage that was done.

After resttime, I decided that we would still go out for our usual Saturday linner despite eating out for breakfast. That would have been a definite "should not" before but I figured I would break the rules this once and I'm so glad I did because something unexpected happened that a couple of different things put into motion.

First, I bent my rule of no more than 1 meal out a day. Secondly, when we were driving by On the Border yesterday, I. asked what kind of food was at that restaurant and when I told her Mexican, she said she wanted to eat there on Saturday, as opposed to our El Torito tradition. So this afternoon, we went there and sat in a booth in the back of the bar area (nice and loud in there with lots of activity to keep I. entertained). We had been there about 15 minutes or so when I looked to my left and there was one of the waiters waiting for his drink orders. I couldn't see his face, just his hair but for some reason I kept looking long enough for him to lean back and OH MY GOSH - IT WAS LUIS - our waiter from El Torito who was like family (see http://feistymommy.blogspot.com/2008/11/catching-up-from-thanksgiving.html ). He's been "our" waiter since before V. and I were married for crying out loud. We had I.'s 3rd birthday celebration there because of him! So we talked and laughed and I felt so happy because we found him again and better yet, he's just down the street from us. The only sad part, which will work itself out in time, is that even though I. did remember him, it's been exactly a year since she last saw him so she was acting shy, uncertain, and refused to smile at him. But, like I said, that'll work itself out. You can be sure that when V. is gone in Saudi Arabia, we will be having our linners there so that we will be taken especially good care of by a newly found friend!

Striving to Be An Exceptional Momma

I know I wrote a post about wanting to make this next year really count but I can't seem to find that post. Today in the shower, after getting I. in bed, this topic popped in my mind (if it's not the treadmill, it's the shower - the times when my mind relaxes and wanders). And it hit me - I've done two things memorably and singularly.

First, I was a loyal, loving friend to Mark. I was there in the good, the stressful, the happy, and then at the bitter end and Mark knew I was there. Of course, he was there for me during the good, the stressful, the bad, and the happy times.

Secondly, I've really been trying to become an exceptional momma these past several months, compensating for a daddy that has to work far away often and trying to make fun, special memories despite obstacles. I don't think I'm quite exceptional but I think I'm a better momma now than I have been so far. I cherish this knowledge because this is being reflected in I.'s life and mind. She's now old enough to retain the memories of what her and I do and what I say to her. Today, I took her to Coldstone (free coupon for her birthday) and told her I was so proud of her for not talking back to me, obeying me, and not wetting her undies as much that I was rewarding her with an ice cream (a big deal). While we were eating our kid sized yogurts (yes, we got yogurts at Coldstone's), I asked her if she was happy and she said, "Yes, because we're here together." and gave me this big, happy grin.

That touched my heart because she probably thinks that from this exchange: we drop V. off at the airport and inevitably at some time I. says "I miss Daddy." I say, "I miss Daddy too. I'm glad we have each other or I'd really be sad. At least we have each other, that makes me happy." We truly have been working as a team - we take care of the cats together in the morning, play with them in the afternoon, clean up the house, and sometimes move the laundry along. In all this, I. knows that I love her and like her and while she may want to marry me (so cute) and considers me her best friend (again so cute), she also understands that I'm in charge. She's pretty clear that all I really expect from her is to listen and obey without back talking, tell the truth, and not to whine. Anything else over and above those 3 things is icing on the cake and lately, we've had quite a bit of icing! This is one of those times that I hope this isn't just a passing phase but a foundation that we can build on for the next 14 years until she is responsible for herself. I can only hope and pray and yes, keep my fingers cross, knock on wood, and all the other superstitions that can't possibly hurt!

Last Night Sucked

As this post's title states, last night sucked. V. called and I told him again that he needed to find out if the girls were going to Idyllwild with us between Christmas and New Year's because the accomodations seemed to be limited for 3 bedrooms so I didn't want to wait too long. Mind you, this is probably the third time I've brought this up in the last 6 weeks.

After a moment of silence, V. drops the bomb on me. "I may not be home then." Huh, what?! This is the first I've heard of this. Last year even though he was in Saudi and missed Christmas, he was able to make it for this but this year, uh not looking good. So we have 2 WHOLE weeks as a family a year and you're telling me that after being gone 95% of the year, we're not going to be able to go away for that second week? I so look forward to this - I already bought snowboots for I. (V. knew this) and talk all year about taking walks in the cold air with the smell of wood burning fireplaces burning and the silence of the forest. But this year, it looks like V. may not be here for Christmas (or Thanksgiving for that matter) or New Year's. And if he is, it'll be too late to schedule the damn trip. And as for planning my 40th birthday trip, that's not looking too hopeful either.

I'm tired of a lot of things. I'm tired of: being alone; having too little adult fun; not being able to plan anything ahead of time; not having anything to really look forward to; watching the best years of my life pass by (not as a mother but as a wife and woman); feeling like my life is on hold; being stuck in the house from 3pm on (since the time change); living life as a single mom with an albeit kickass alimony; and my strong, close, loving marriage taking hits for several years now. It makes me sad, stressed, upset, angry, and worried.

To add to last night's angst: as a reward for posting an online review of our Vegas trip, the website gave me a free 8x8 photo album on Shutterfly. I thought for a couple of weeks what I wanted to use it for and a few nights ago, it just hit me upside the head - an album of Mark. Of course, I didn't have very many photos of him healthy since we all think in our 30s we'll live forever so why take the time to take pictures? So, putting together this album was hard on me. Organizing the photos and visually seeing Mark's physical demise as his inner beauty shone forth was heartwrenching and brought many painful emotions to the surface. Thank God I finished the book and I'm looking forward to seeing and cherishing the finished project. It'll be worth the pain, I just know it.

So that was my night yesterday, a rough one and a late one. Tonight is looking better so far. I was able to have lunch with a friend of mine while I. was at preschool and it was a really nice hour. I have hope that I won't have the emotional hangover tomorrow morning that I had today.

Happy 4th Birthday I.!!

Today was such a bittersweet day on a couple of fronts. It's always hard for me when I.'s birthday comes around though not nearly as hard as that first one when she up and decided to wean me cold turkey the week of her birthday. I concentrate on how happy she is to have a birthday and how proud that she is a year older, but with her being my only one, I realize that this time will never come again and it makes me sad once she's gone to bed. However, today she got to sit in the birthday chair next to her teacher at school, blow out 4 candles, have happy birthday sung to her by her classmates, and finally join the ranks of the 4 year olds. She was so excited and I was glad I could document it all on the video camera. Before school, I. and I made pumpkin cupcakes for her park playdate with her friends tomorrow morning and she's excited about that.

The second front was that we had to take V. to the airport this morning. Thankfully, these separations don't have quite the same emotional impact as they did at the beginning which may sound bad, but after mulling it over, I think it's a combination of her getting older, her having a life outside of the family via preschool, and it just becoming the new normal. She instantly reconnects with V. as soon as he comes home so I'm not really concerned with this change, more relieved that I don't have to deal with the aftermath every time. But it's hard for me in the evenings especially now with the time change, I. goes to bed around 4:15 so it's an even LONGER night - just what I didn't need! A few hours after I drop V. off, I begin missing him and then the sadness over Mark sets in because during these times when V. would be gone, I'd fill some of the time talking on the phone or visiting Mark - it was really the only good thing about V. being gone.

But now V. and Mark are gone, I. is growing up and slowly moving away and I'm just here.

That last sentence really drills down into the core of my pain - past, present, and quite possibly the future.

I.'s First Amusement Park Experience

Today was a really good day, though exhausting. My parents generously bought I. a season pass, to complement their season passes, and paid for V. and I to go to Legoland all day today. It was I.'s first time and she was psyched. Even though V.'s back acted up after awhile, he hung in there and stayed in the moment which was nice. He and I. went on some rides together and I really saw him connect and have fun with her. I guess my "talk" with him did make a difference and for I.'s sake, that makes me happy. We all had a really good time and I'm thankful for my parents' generosity because between the pass, the tickets, and the food, it was not a cheap day.

Tomorrow morning, I. and I will take V. to the airport to go back to Saudi Arabia. Then we will come home and make cupcakes for Tuesday's birthday park playdate. I. loves cooking with me so this will be a nice treat for her considering that tomorrow is her actual birthday. She is really looking forward to sitting in the "birthday chair" next to the teacher during circle time and having everyone sing Happy Birthday to her. I'm excited for her and plan to stay and video it.

Tonight I wrote my annual birthday letter to Isabella and put it in the keepsake box with the other 4 letters. It's hard not to get choked up when I do this especially considering this past year's events. I find myself going out of my way to do things when it comes to Isabella because I think,"What if this is the last day I have with her?" I want to be an engaged, participating mother, one that I. has a lot of good memories with. I don't know if this is wrong/negative or good/positive or just a part of the grief process. I wonder if this mindset will fade with time or if this is just evidence of how I've been changed by Mark's death. I guess only time will tell.

Isn't it amazing that I start the post with a fun day at Legoland and end with Mark's death? It really is how many of my days roll - many of my best moments make me think of Mark. That I know, is part of the grieving process and one that will continue to feel less sharp with time.

Mixed Bag

Let's start with the good, the all good. Today we celebrated, as a family, I.'s 4th birthday and she had a blast. Her sisters weren't able to come but her grandparents, uncle, daddy and mommy were there so it was still good. I. and I decorated together for the party and then we got her into her special party girl dress. She looked beautiful but a little unsure as to what was to come:



I love how she is not spoiled - she is tickled pink when she sees presents that she knows are for her, even if it's just a few. She was so happy to see her momma's homemade cake even though it wasn't anything spectacular, though full of love.



It was a great day all around, even the weather cooperated with some nice, cool fall weather.

Tomorrow, we're (my parents, V., I., and I) are going to go to Legoland for her big birthday present and I am really excited. This will be her very first amusement park experience and I plan on capturing as much of it as possible because I know she is going to be blown away. So many of her friends have been to Disneyland multiple times already but I wanted to wait until she was ready and able to appreciate and remember this exciting experience. This will be the first year that she will be tall enough to enjoy almost all of Legoland's rides and she will definitely remember it. I'm so thankful that I can see her experience this first moment (compared to the first year, the "firsts" are few and far between).

On another positive note, V. and I attended I.'s very first parent/teacher conference. Who would have thought 8 years ago when we first got together that we would be attending our child's parent/teacher conference? Pretty funny! The news was really good - despite I. being the youngest of all 16 of the kids, she's doing great on all fronts. She listens, participates, speaks up, is kind and thoughtful, and is socially active. She is SO past where I was in kindergarten. Her teachers were impressed because she's doing so well AND she's the youngest. She really is something else and I'm so proud to be her momma!

The only downside of this week was an underlying feeling of something not being "quite right" with V. and I but not knowing what it was. Part of it was that V. was having a hard time getting into our time zone. I mentally understand and sympathize, since I would fair MUCH worse on the time change, but it just seems that when he is forced to start working quickly, he acclimates much more quickly. If it's just "us" at home, then he sleeps from 6pm-11pm, is up all night and ready for bed at 9am. If it was just us, two adults, fine but try explaining that to a 3 year old who wants nothing more than to spend time with her daddy who has been gone for 3-4 weeks.

Last night brought things to a head since this morning I had already been thinking while on the treadmill, that while V. was physically here, we were still essentially living separate lives and that was not okay with me. V. sealed his fate last night by first trying to assert "his schedule" on top of I.'s birthday weekend schedule. He began inquiring what the birthday schedule was this weekend so that he could start thrusting his haircut and gym schedule on top of it. So as the Mama Bear, I told him that this weekend was about I. not him and that his schedule for once was going to fit around hers. He took offense to my comment that "it wasn't all about him this weekend, it was all about her". Later this same night he informed me that he was planning on taking the girls to Puerto Rico for their graduation present next year and that I. was optional as determined by me since this would be her first HUGE time change vacation. Since this was the first I'd heard of this, I asked when he had thought about this and he said 6 months ago which led to the "discussion" that I was tired of him acting as though he was an independent agent, making decisions and living his life as though we needed to "fit into" his schedule rather than him acclimating into our family life. This is the whole issue with us lately it seems. He lives on his own over there for a month at a time, comes home for a week or so, and then goes back to being a work android. Well, that's not good enough - while he's there I still have to be the momma, the disciplinarian, the wife and financial advisor. When he's there, he has to be the worker and about a tenth of a husband. We've got to work this out better because between the attitude and the jet lag, even while V. is here, we're living separate lives.

A Little Bit Hard

Last Friday on Oprah, Patrick Swayze's wife, Lisa Niemi, was on the show talking about the book that the two of them had written together about their life together. I Tivo'd it so I could watch it later.

Unlike most shows, this one I can only watch in 15 minute intervals because it makes me feel raw. Not like I'm being overcome by despair but to hear her experiences in the last days with him, were so similar, even down to the heart taking a long time to shut down, that it brought back a lot of pain.

There were moments of comfort too though. She was talking about how initially she thought she should approach the diagnosis in a way in which there were some lessons to be learned. Then she realized that was ridiculous because she thought this whole situation was horrible and it sucked and so she just let herself "be". Now however, she said she had learned one lesson so far and that is to not wait to do things. That is exactly the lesson I've learned from Mark's death too, probably the only one I'm really aware of so far. It was comforting to hear someone else going through many of the emotions and struggles that I've been going through. Sometimes it's hard to be the grieving one in a world full of "normal" people. You can masquerade as "normal" but inside, you know you're still not there and it makes you feel lonely and alone at times. I know, I know it's part of the process and I have to admit that I am in a better place than I thought I would be just a month ago.

Another Good Day

I. and I have been having many more good days together. I think it has something to do with school but I'm not sure what exactly is causing it. She has been less defiant which has been so much better than the last 6 months or so.

Yesterday we had to stand in line for 3 hours to get her H1N1 and seasonal flu shot (3rd try at this) and she was really good. I thought it was going to be absolutely torturous but she held it together, ran home for me to make her lunch to eat in the car and her to change into shorts, got her to school on time miraculously, and then headed to PT. It was a special day at school for her, many different activities in different classrooms and I wanted to see it too so after PT, I went back to her school and spent the last hour helping out.

When I walked in, her face registered utter surprise and then lit up. From that moment on, I could tell she was completely jazzed that I was there and wanted to show me everything, play with me, and sit in my lap. It was special because I'm smart enough to know that these days are limited. I'm glad I did it because today I got lots more kisses and affection and she volunteered to help with various tasks cheerfully. A much easier day than normal. Tonight while she was eating dinner, she said, "I want you to come to church with me Momma. (she has 15 min. of chapel once a week) I like when you come to church with me." My heart swelled, my eyes teared up a little and I said, "I like when I come to church with you too Sweetie."

This is what being a mother is all about. The personal sacrifices, the frustrations, the sleepless nights, and exhaustion...it all comes down to this - she craves my presence as much as I crave hers. Truly beautiful!

A Nice Surprise and A Good Day

Today turned into a really good day for me. This morning we met some momma friends at a pumpkin patch for a couple of hours of fun and it was really nice. I. had a really fun time and it was nice to see some friends too. We even had time for I. to eat her lunch at the patch before going to preschool as opposed to in the car like I had anticipated.

A good guy friend of mine, the one that I'm closest to now that Mark is gone, and I traded text messages earlier today and while I was at the pumpkin patch, I texted him the question of whether he could sneak out for lunch today since we've been trying unsuccessfully since Labor Day. Turns out, he could and we did! I took I. to preschool, stayed for chapel and then met him for lunch. This was the first time in four years that I had met him without I. being there which changes the dynamics significantly. So we had lunch, just me and T. as adults. It was so much fun and it was like old times. It made my day and I gave some thought as to why - yes, he's my friend and we always enjoy each other's company but it was more than that. It comforted me because we have a shared history from the past 10-11 years that we refer back to and laugh about - roughly the same time period as Mark and I. And while they aren't the same memories that Mark and I had, it's still that same difficult time period where my friends truly helped keep me alive.

T. was the first one to show up and sit with me in the hospital the first time I tried to no longer be here and I can still remember him holding my hand, talking quietly to me with tears in his eyes. T. was a tough police sergeant so this was a real eye opener for me and caused me much pain. He was the one who took first shift with me so that I would be allowed out of the hospital. He took me to my apartment, was there when my boss called and caused so much stress on me that I hung up on him, and then held me as I sobbed. My other friend B., also in the PD, took second shift until V. could arrive from LA to take over (keep in mind, V. and I were broken up at this time but he loyally came to my aid immediately).

Not to say that I don't need some good momma friends, but this period of my life is so crucial even to my life today, that having 3 of the 4 men who surrounded, supported, loved, and tried their best to protect me is really important to me. Now that Mark is gone, I realize this all the more and am more thankful for the times I get to spend with them.

Good Memory Making

The last several days, I've been busy making good memories with I. Thursday, we went to Chuck E. Cheese to play, Friday we went on a Hornblower boat cruise, Saturday we had a Country Fair at I.'s preschool, and yesterday we went to the Kidtoons movie in the morning and made Halloween cookies in the afternoon. I know it's not about "doing" all the time with your child, they enjoy just "being" with you so in between these things, we've been reading, snuggling, and putting puzzles together. I'm kind of like a whirling dervish now when it comes to my goal of making memories with I.

Part of this is now that she has started preschool, I see my time just starting to be limited and will get more so as the years pass. I figure it's now or never. Of course, part of it, how much so I'm not sure, is that maybe I don't have very much time left with her, a direct result of Mark dying. You just never know. I try not to dwell on this side of the thought or it'll depress me but on the positive side, having a "now or maybe never" approach to my time with her has been good.

The nights of this weekend were a little tough as they usually are when V. is gone. I find myself struggling with Mark's death more on the weekends too so I've given some thought as to why that might be. Here are my top 3 thoughts:

1. When V. is gone, I miss him which leads the "missing" emotions to spill over onto Mark.

2. I used to call Mark on Saturday evenings when he lived in Seattle and I always remember that on Saturday evenings.

3. Since V. has been gone so much, I. and I would take the opportunity to visit with Mark on the weekends, especially Sundays and that comes to mind every Sunday it seems.

It didn't help that in Sunday's newspaper was an article talking to the friends of a CHP officer who was killed due to a stuck accelerator. I read the whole article and got to the last sentence which read, "The most difficult part is knowing that I can never talk to Mark again."

You know when you do a big exhale and your body just sags forward and down? Well, that was the physical reaction I had when I read that sentence followed by the emotions of disbelief, anger, and then sadness. I cut it out and as I've read it throughout the last 2 days, I now feel some solace in the fact that someone else feels about their Mark how I feel about my Mark. That makes me feel just a little better.

Sweet and Sour

I enjoyed the fall weather today greatly. I.'s sisters were here this morning so she wanted to stay with them instead of going with me to the gym. I took full advantage and opened up the moon roof, blasted the music and enjoyed the warm sun and cool air all by myself.

For some reason, I had Mark on my mind. I didn't have dreams about him but he was on my mind all day and it made me a little sad. I don't know if it was because I used to call him on Saturday evenings when he lived in Seattle or because I was enjoying the fall weather. I suspect the latter though. I find myself enjoying something so small and then realizing that Mark will no longer experience it and it bums me out. I feel guilty in a way that I'm still here and he's not. I'm still confused that Jodi has still not called me back and I don't want to keep calling. I have not and never will be the pursuer. You either want me or you don't, it's that simple.

This is such a confusing time for me. I'm starting to feel more normal more often but then sadness and grief descend on me and I struggle to deal with the 180 degree of emotions. I don't let V. know these feelings exist because he won't understand it because he needs logic (as I do) but logic doesn't seem to hold true during grief. It's just loosey-goosey and I HATE it. Really, I do because I like to know what's coming so I can prepare myself for better or worse and right now I just get hit upside the head with thoughts and negative emotions without any logical, mental reasons to explain why.

WHY? WHY? Please give me a break, I need a break, please let me just enjoy the smallest of pleasures without feeling guilt or sadness. Life is about the small things in life - Mark and I talked about that and I still believe that.

Back From Vegas

V. and I got back from Vegas yesterday after 3 nights there and we had a great time! Yes, we did drink too much but I had gotten a hold of some pills called "Chasers" that are supposed to prevent hangovers by absorbing the alcohol and I have to say, those suckers worked! Neither of us had any bad symptoms as a result of our debauchery. Awesome! All the fun without paying the price; can't beat that!

Saturday, we had a romantic, funny bath, went to a yummy special dinner and then to a great show that my dad had recommended and enjoyed it a lot. Sunday was spent watching a lot of football and then had dinner and gambled a bit. Monday, we wandered around the Grand Canal shops and St. Mark's Square, which was really cool, reading menus to decide on dinner. V. needed a nap in the afternoon and I had a free pass to the spa so off I went for a few hours of relaxation (and yes, I did splurge on a massage too). It truly was decadent!

We stayed at the Venetian and it was awesome.

Our room was was amazing -remote control draperies, huge room, opulent etc.

It was good to come home and be with I. again and although she had a blast at my parents' house, she was definitely glad to be back with her momma and daddy because boy was she nice, loving, and obedient today! Tomorrow V. and I are going to pick her up at school and have an open house time with I. and her teachers. She is really excited to show us everything so that will be a fun time.

V. will be flying out on Monday morning after our 6th wedding anniversary on Sunday. All this fun that we've been having makes it harder when he leaves. In fact, today I was already getting sad. It was just such a short visit (10 days) and though I haven't asked, I think this is going to be a month long trip so that's even harder. Time to start planning fun things for I. and I to make the time pass more easily, not faster because time is passing too quickly as it is, just easier.

Mark and I

I saw this quote by Henri Nouwen and started sobbing because this quote captures the essence of our friendship. Our relationship was a difficult one to explain because it was an unusual one - a single man and woman who care for each other deeply, know each other's most intimate thoughts, have shared each other's most painful and private moments, enjoy each other's company and humor immensely but realize that they are not right for one another as man and wife. It's just odd but that was us and it was awesome.

But this quote perfectly explains our frienship and while it's comforting to have found something concrete that explains Mark and I, it rips me open because I've lost something so beautiful. I know I'll come to the other side of just being thankful that I got to EVER experience this kind of friendship. Reading this quote makes me realize that he and I were such good friends to one another - we were both truly lucky.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

The Planets Are Lining Up Against Me...

...but I'm going to fight tooth and nail. As luck has it, V. finally comes home and the day we are to fly to Vegas for a long weekend together, I'm supposed to start my period. So I called the OBGYN yesterday and he recommended starting birth control pills to see if it will delay it. Ironic, eh? We've been trying to conceive for the past year but V.'s schedule always seems to have him leaving the week before the "optimal" time. But I checked with him and it appears that he'll be gone before the "optimal" time this coming month anyways so I started the birth control pills and hopefully won't be bloated, bleeding, and bitchy on our long awaited Vegas trip!

As though that weren't enough, I woke up this morning to a sore throat, clogged ears, stuffy nose, and some sneezing. It appears that I am fighting some sort of virus off too. Come on - really?! I went to the grocery store and got some Airborne to either stave it off or help me recover in record time because I DON'T want to be bleeding and sick while we're in Vegas.

I swear to God if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have ANY luck at all. I hate to be a pessimist, but that's been the case for about 20+ years. Maybe the next 20 years will be better...