Can I Do It?

That is, can I really make a concerted effort to try to post more often? I think if I am going to do it, it's going to have to be done in the morning before the day's events and struggles pulls me down into the "I don't have anything to say" hole that I find myself digging out of at the end of the day more often than not.

So I'm going to try. Today I. and I are headed to the Wild Animal Park to enjoy a butterfly garden exhibit. I purposely waited for this week because all the kids should be back in school. It's no fun when it's a madhouse. Even the weather cooperated today - it's going to be about 65 degrees which is perfect for this place. That means the bee problem that erupts during the heat should be gone too. When I told her we were going to see the butterflies, I. said, "Like we went to before?" meaning when we went to the Palm Desert Zoo butterfly exhibit when she and I went on New Year's Day. The significance of this? She remembers things, she has memories that will stay with her for the rest of her life and I am part of those memories. Now how can I turn something so simple into something morbid? Well, here's how: I know now that if something were to happen to me, she would have memories of me, of us, of the fun things we did, and the love and affection we shared.

It makes me smile and my heart and mind rest a little easier knowing this fact. Here's to a good day!

My Two Days Off

Yesterday was my birthday, the big 4-0 and after much deliberation and research, I decided that this year Laguna Beach was the perfect place for a few reasons. First, it was the first place that V. and I went on an overnight trip together which was HUGE for both of us. Due to the significance and the solidifying effect it had on our relationship, we both have good memories of it. Secondly, the sound of waves crashing and the smell of salt air has a profoundly calming effect on both of us and after this year, we both needed that relaxing effect. It also seems to have a friskiness effect which is also not a bad thing!



Friday morning we dropped I. off at my parents and then stopped in El Toro to get a delicious cold sandwich and chips to share and continued north to a great picnic spot on the cliffs above the ocean. I had brought a cold white wine and had to sneak it into plastic cups as the signs informed us it was illegal to drink alcohol. Obviously we were off to our usual good start. From there, we were able to check into our quirky hotel - it scared me at first with its 1950's motor lodge appearance but the room itself was fine with a convenient refrigerator for adult beverages, a great patio right on the ocean and 10 steps from a great walking beach. Did I mention the awesome location?! Here's the kicker - we could have had a luxury room just up the street with no patio to speak of for $300 more! I love a great deal with great value. V. wanted to take a nap for a little bit Friday afternoon so I went for a beautiful walk down the beach and then came back for some relaxing reading on the patio with an adult beverage and then it was off to dinner. We went to a Mexican place right on the beach and had some great grilled tacos and margaritas and then got in bed at a decent time after reading for awhile.

Saturday was my actual birthday and I was up at 7:15 which was great considering V. was up at 6 am (thus the early bedtime the night before). We went to breakfast at a cool vibe but decent priced place and then walked back to the hotel for some relaxation in bed watching and howling at home improvement shows. Don't ask me what was so funny about it, but both of our pathetic funny bones were tickled and we just howled with laughter at these poor souls and made sarcastic comments at the same time, which was comforting because it does appear that we do still share the same sick brain.

That afternoon was Laguna Beach retro, meaning that last time we were there 9 years ago, V. brought a chess set, taught me how to play chess and then was appalled that I almost beat him. So last week, I bought a chess set since I couldn't find the original and surprised him with it. We had a good time once again and althought it was only my 2nd time at playing chess ever, I managed to give him a run for his money for 2 hours. V. is a strange guy in that attraction for him is very cerebral in addition to the visual so he really liked the fact that I was fighting up until the end of our chess game. Then we went on a walk on the beach, then some resttime for him while I enjoyed reading several things in tandem on the patio while enjoying the view.

V. surprised me that night with a night at Irvine Spectrum which is a entertainment haven with shopping, dining, and Dave & Buster's. Now, I'm a strange girl when it comes to shopping and I guess V. still didn't realize that. So when he told me that tonight we were shopping for my birthday present, whatever I wanted, I froze. And stressed. Because I don't shop, really I don't. Here's the extent of my shopping - I need something therefore I make a surgical strike to obtain that object usually after web research for the best deal. Or I'll happen to see something I really like and if it's in an acceptable price range, I'll allow myself to "splurge" and get it. But shopping under pressure - I don't do that.

V. was flabbergasted that I couldn't seem to just conjure up a list of things I wanted. A phone (no, mine if fine and I like it), jewelry (huh? I have jewelry, right?), clothes (I don't need anything but if I see something maybe). I wasn't trying to be difficult at all, actually I felt bad and that was the stress of it all because I knew he was trying to be generous and kind but I didn't see anything except for some cute black short cargo pants that I never would have bought because they were expensive in my book. But V. was happy and I'll probably wear them for the next 10 years so if you amoritize them, they'll be like $6 a year. LOL. Plus, I do need a new pair of sunglasses badly and V. knows that will be the second part of his present to me. We had a nice dinner and had fun playing games at D & B too.

This morning we got up, went to breakfast and had time to relax back at the room for a time before we hit the road. It was time to go back to reality and responsibilities, luckily there was a birthday celebration waiting for me too. We got to my parents' house and enjoyed appetizers, a wonderful filet mignon, cake and great presents too. Best of all, my girl, sometime nemesis, was waiting for me and said "Happy Birthday Momma!" when I walked in. If that doesn't melt your heart, I don't know what does. And the joy with which she gave me her picked out present, which took about 30 minutes for her to pick out, was perfect, lovely, and touched my heart. It's good to be a momma, sometimes you just need reminding in between the disciplining, teaching, tantruming etc.

But I'm the perfect momma for her because I have studied her since she was born. She's been my muse, obsession, craft, course of study and one thing I can say for certain is that I know her. During the afternoon, I could see things building up in her - tiredness, extra stimulation, alot of outdoor air and exercise, not enough food intake due to excitement, loving the fun of her grandparents now complicated with her love for her parents (unfortunately with all the rules of parents now included). For Seinfeld lovers, it's like "worlds colliding". So when the inevitable emotional breakdown came in response to a simple "no" to going outside and playing again, I knew what needed to be done. Everyone else was befuddled by her reaction but honestly, I was waiting for it because it was like the tide coming in, it was going to happen at a point in time. So I scooped her up, took her into the bathroom, and we sat on the toilet with her as she sobbed. After a couple of minutes of sobbing, hugging, and soothing, we were back out for the rest of the party. Still everyone seemed a little confused so I said, "Sometimes things just build up and a girl just needs to cry it out." and everything was okay.

A good celebration and definitely the weekend that V. and I needed together and separately. We laughed more this weekend than I think we did for the past year. We talked, laughed, shared, and enjoyed each other's company, minds, bodies, and senses of humor. Separately, V. got his sea air and some naps and I got the sound of the waves crashing, relaxation, and the ability to read many different things simultaneously during the day.

It's One of Those Days

You know that day that begins with you looking in the mirror in the morning and saying to yourself, "I HAVE to wash my hair tonight." And that very same day, walking very slowly back into that same bathroom after putting the child(ren) to bed, looking into that very same mirror and saying to yourself as you shake your head, "I just don't have it in me, it'll have to wait 'til tomorrow." Yeah, that's today for me. I wonder if it would look odd tomorrow to don the Middle Eastern red and white turban that V. brought home with him and cover my hideously filthy hair? If I don't get some real sleep tonight I just might do it.

Which leads me to my next point which is really the driving force behind this post and my ongoing dirty hair saga. I'm not getting the sleep I need! I. was sick beginning last Friday so there were a couple of nights where she woke up with diarrhea and I was more than happy to take care of it. HOWEVER, since then, she has decided that it is grand to start calling and crying in the middle of the night instead of turning over and going to sleep. On top of this, V. has gotten up very early the last 2 days to go to work and I suspected that I. was seeing the light from downstairs and it was leading her to reach the erroneous conclusion that we ALL need to be getting up in the middle of the night. The night before last, she was up crying 5 times and as a result, I was up from 1:30-5 am. She fell back asleep around 3 but I was still so wired and anticipating what was going to happen when V. opened up the garage door that I couldn't fall back asleep. So that night I got 2 hours before the torture began and about 2.5 hours after before she started calling for me again in the morning.

I thought I had the problem solved last night when I troubleshot the whole situation and came up with the following 2 solutions:

1. V. was only allowed to use the lights that had dimmer switches on them and then only at the lowest level without him eating in the dark.
2. I put a folded up towel along the bottom edge of I.'s door so that no light would be visible from under it.

No such luck - I. began crying right before 5 am and when I went in there she announced that she wasn't tired. Well, being that my best sleep, really my only decent sleep, takes place after 4:30am, I wasn't really very thrilled to hear this pronouncement. I gave her some books to look at in bed, told her I loved her, that I for one was VERY tired and I would see her in the morning when it was time to actually get up. Then I walked out. As you might expect she didn't take too kindly to my point of view and began screaming and crying. I thanked my lucky stars that V. had already left for the airport because he NEVER would have made it through a long, prolonged crying session. I'm of course just a heartless bitch so I told myself that she was safe albeit very unhappy and proceeded to put on those BOSE noise cancelling headphones that V. gave me for Christmas that I wondered when in the world I would use them. Well, here's the answer, I used them this morning and they worked well enough for me to relax, doze off and even grab a little sleep for the next 1.5 hours so that I could at least partially function today. Just call me Mean Momma...

When I went in to get her, the first thing I. says to me is,"What was that light I saw over there?" and she points to her door. I ask her to show me where she is talking about and she scrunches down to the very corner edge of the door and points. I look around the edge of the door to see where is that damn towel and it appears that there was a 1/4 inch gap between the towel and the door which must have let in that pinprick of light from the ultra-dimmed lights this morning which caused another torturous morning.

I don't really need to tell you how meticulous I will be about that damn towel tonight, do I? V.'s gone for the next 2 weeks so I'm hoping, with my fingers, toes, legs, and eyes crossed that without anybody creeping around in the dead of night, maybe we can get I. out of this habit, this energy sapping, mind altering habit. For all of our sakes, I really hope so.

After breakfast I. acted pretty normal so we went to the gym for a quick workout. When I picked her up 45 minutes later, I took one look at her and knew that she was sick. Her face was pale, her eyes red rimmed and she just looked tired. I took her home, laid her on the couch, put a video in (a real treat for her) and made her some juicy fruit slices and a smoothie. Her temperature, for as long as she allowed me to take it, was at least 103.5 so I gave her some Motrin and we did resttime. The Motrin brought her temperature down enough to make it through the rest of the day until I got her in bed early. She was asleep by 4:15 and I hope she'll be recovered by tomorrow morning when she discovers that her sisters are here.

V.'s work plans have gotten turned upside down. Instead of him being home working until China, beginning sometime between June and September, he's been working in San Francisco this past week. Next week due to people's stupidity, V. is slated to work in LA on Monday, San Francisco on Tuesday, Saudi Arabia Wednesday - the following Monday, and then San Francisco again until the following Friday when he finally gets home that evening. That weekend is the girls' 18th birthday and the following weekend is my birthday. Tomorrow morning I'm going to take advantage of all this joyful distraction for I. and disappear for 2 hours to take care of some errands and just sneak away by myself for a little while before having to be the only parent again even though it's just for a short time.

This is all small potatoes compared to watching the parents of a 17 year old daughter who was killed last week conduct themselves in a rational, calm manner. I don't know how they're coping so admirably but I'm glad they are. I know my reaction would be much different, primarily consistently of sobbing and hitting inanimate objects but that's just me. Even though I may need a break from I. right now, I cannot fathom a day in the future when she is no longer there. It's truly my greatest fear as a mother of an only child.

Enough depressing stuff for so late in the evening, I'm going to wind down and head to bed.

Good Beginning and Mom Guilt

I. didn't fall asleep for 2 hours last night thanks to poopies moving down the intestional tract. I mean, who could fall asleep when you can feel the train moving down the track? It still frustrated me though because I knew today would be a tough day because she would be tired and I certainly didn't need a tougher day than the ones I've been dealing with.

This morning, I woke up to V.'s alarm at 2:30am, him getting up at 3:30 and then the garage door opening and closing around 4ish. Finally, I was able to fall back asleep to be woken up at 7am when the dog in the condo up the hill from us was unceremoniously dumped out on the patio and began registering its complaint. I didn't hear I. calling so I fell back asleep until 8am. Wow! Better yet, even when I nervously bounded out of bed, all was quiet in her room. Then I heard her whispering in her bed which is how she plays when she hasn't been awake for awhile. Hmmm...

So I sneaked downstairs for a quiet cup of coffee all by myself. I haven't had that privilege since the day after Christmas and it was SO nice. Here's the only thing - when I got I. up finally at 8:30 (woohoo, half an hour all to myself!), she said her stomach was hurting and then proceeded to eat basically nothing for breakfast. This may be normal for other kids but I. eats a lot of breakfast, and lunch and dinner for that matter. Now I'm wondering if she has a bug of some sort. And if she does, she's going to be pretty volatile as the day wears but I need to keep my cool especially if she isn't feeling well. There is nothing like losing your patience one day only to find out the next day that they acted that way because they were coming down with something. That scenario, at least for me, is the ultimate in mom guilt and I'm determined today not to set myself up for mom guilt tomorrow. Today's going to be a fingers crossed, tap dancing around meltdown triggers kind of day; I just feel it in my bones. The day's success will most likely not be measured by what got done or how much fun we had but by the simple fact that I. and I will both be alive and loving each other by the end of the day. Some days, that's the best you can hope for.

It's Been Awhile

Yes, I haven't posted for awhile, my bad. Partly because V. has been home and actually awake for the early half of the nights so we've been catching up on TIVO'd shows and some movies we've been saving. Partly because I.'s behavior has been so challenging that I'm left exhausted, defeated, and frustrated by the end of the day and I just do not feel like communicating. I'm so tired of attempting to adequately communicate (and many times failing) throughout the day to I. that I have no desire to do so after she goes to bed.

Just as her behavior worsened when V. initially left, it's worsened since he's been back. I guess it's just an adjustment period but it's certainly a painful one for me. Most days, I. is defiant whenever I ask her to do anything and when I push it, she throws a tantrum. I may have patience for one or two instances but after that, I really get tired of it. I need a break and even though I have a 2 day break coming up at the end of this month, with the daily barrage, I don't know if I'm going to make it til then. I mean, I'll make it but I don't know how pretty it's gonna be.

Although V. is home, this week he was gone and he'll be gone for the next 2 weeks though home for the weekends. This looks like how it's going to be until he leaves full time for China. So much for good quality family time...in this economy, I guess we're just thankful to have a paycheck.

I got an email from Mark's mom telling me that she believes that I knew Mark better than anyone including herself and she would be grateful if I would be willing to get together with her and give her some insight into who he really was. My first thought was how honored I was, followed closely by a sadness that his mother realizes that due to family dysfunctional, she may not have known her son. I do want to get together with her, I think Mark would want that, I just want to figure out what I want to say and how to say it. Do I show her the real side of Mark through some of his letters or just through my memories? That's really my only question.

A Really Good Day

A good day today for us! For the past couple of months, I've been craving breakfast at a specific restaurant but would always find reasons why I "shouldn't" go. But this morning, I was really craving it and in keeping with my current philosophy of "do it now", I. and I went and had breakfast out on a Saturday morning. Boy did it ever hit the spot and it put me in a good mood to do something pleasurable for the heck of it and have it be out of our normal routine. After satisfying that craving, we went straight to the gym to hopefully neutralize some of the dietary damage that was done.

After resttime, I decided that we would still go out for our usual Saturday linner despite eating out for breakfast. That would have been a definite "should not" before but I figured I would break the rules this once and I'm so glad I did because something unexpected happened that a couple of different things put into motion.

First, I bent my rule of no more than 1 meal out a day. Secondly, when we were driving by On the Border yesterday, I. asked what kind of food was at that restaurant and when I told her Mexican, she said she wanted to eat there on Saturday, as opposed to our El Torito tradition. So this afternoon, we went there and sat in a booth in the back of the bar area (nice and loud in there with lots of activity to keep I. entertained). We had been there about 15 minutes or so when I looked to my left and there was one of the waiters waiting for his drink orders. I couldn't see his face, just his hair but for some reason I kept looking long enough for him to lean back and OH MY GOSH - IT WAS LUIS - our waiter from El Torito who was like family (see http://feistymommy.blogspot.com/2008/11/catching-up-from-thanksgiving.html ). He's been "our" waiter since before V. and I were married for crying out loud. We had I.'s 3rd birthday celebration there because of him! So we talked and laughed and I felt so happy because we found him again and better yet, he's just down the street from us. The only sad part, which will work itself out in time, is that even though I. did remember him, it's been exactly a year since she last saw him so she was acting shy, uncertain, and refused to smile at him. But, like I said, that'll work itself out. You can be sure that when V. is gone in Saudi Arabia, we will be having our linners there so that we will be taken especially good care of by a newly found friend!

Striving to Be An Exceptional Momma

I know I wrote a post about wanting to make this next year really count but I can't seem to find that post. Today in the shower, after getting I. in bed, this topic popped in my mind (if it's not the treadmill, it's the shower - the times when my mind relaxes and wanders). And it hit me - I've done two things memorably and singularly.

First, I was a loyal, loving friend to Mark. I was there in the good, the stressful, the happy, and then at the bitter end and Mark knew I was there. Of course, he was there for me during the good, the stressful, the bad, and the happy times.

Secondly, I've really been trying to become an exceptional momma these past several months, compensating for a daddy that has to work far away often and trying to make fun, special memories despite obstacles. I don't think I'm quite exceptional but I think I'm a better momma now than I have been so far. I cherish this knowledge because this is being reflected in I.'s life and mind. She's now old enough to retain the memories of what her and I do and what I say to her. Today, I took her to Coldstone (free coupon for her birthday) and told her I was so proud of her for not talking back to me, obeying me, and not wetting her undies as much that I was rewarding her with an ice cream (a big deal). While we were eating our kid sized yogurts (yes, we got yogurts at Coldstone's), I asked her if she was happy and she said, "Yes, because we're here together." and gave me this big, happy grin.

That touched my heart because she probably thinks that from this exchange: we drop V. off at the airport and inevitably at some time I. says "I miss Daddy." I say, "I miss Daddy too. I'm glad we have each other or I'd really be sad. At least we have each other, that makes me happy." We truly have been working as a team - we take care of the cats together in the morning, play with them in the afternoon, clean up the house, and sometimes move the laundry along. In all this, I. knows that I love her and like her and while she may want to marry me (so cute) and considers me her best friend (again so cute), she also understands that I'm in charge. She's pretty clear that all I really expect from her is to listen and obey without back talking, tell the truth, and not to whine. Anything else over and above those 3 things is icing on the cake and lately, we've had quite a bit of icing! This is one of those times that I hope this isn't just a passing phase but a foundation that we can build on for the next 14 years until she is responsible for herself. I can only hope and pray and yes, keep my fingers cross, knock on wood, and all the other superstitions that can't possibly hurt!

I.'s First Amusement Park Experience

Today was a really good day, though exhausting. My parents generously bought I. a season pass, to complement their season passes, and paid for V. and I to go to Legoland all day today. It was I.'s first time and she was psyched. Even though V.'s back acted up after awhile, he hung in there and stayed in the moment which was nice. He and I. went on some rides together and I really saw him connect and have fun with her. I guess my "talk" with him did make a difference and for I.'s sake, that makes me happy. We all had a really good time and I'm thankful for my parents' generosity because between the pass, the tickets, and the food, it was not a cheap day.

Tomorrow morning, I. and I will take V. to the airport to go back to Saudi Arabia. Then we will come home and make cupcakes for Tuesday's birthday park playdate. I. loves cooking with me so this will be a nice treat for her considering that tomorrow is her actual birthday. She is really looking forward to sitting in the "birthday chair" next to the teacher during circle time and having everyone sing Happy Birthday to her. I'm excited for her and plan to stay and video it.

Tonight I wrote my annual birthday letter to Isabella and put it in the keepsake box with the other 4 letters. It's hard not to get choked up when I do this especially considering this past year's events. I find myself going out of my way to do things when it comes to Isabella because I think,"What if this is the last day I have with her?" I want to be an engaged, participating mother, one that I. has a lot of good memories with. I don't know if this is wrong/negative or good/positive or just a part of the grief process. I wonder if this mindset will fade with time or if this is just evidence of how I've been changed by Mark's death. I guess only time will tell.

Isn't it amazing that I start the post with a fun day at Legoland and end with Mark's death? It really is how many of my days roll - many of my best moments make me think of Mark. That I know, is part of the grieving process and one that will continue to feel less sharp with time.

Another Good Day

I. and I have been having many more good days together. I think it has something to do with school but I'm not sure what exactly is causing it. She has been less defiant which has been so much better than the last 6 months or so.

Yesterday we had to stand in line for 3 hours to get her H1N1 and seasonal flu shot (3rd try at this) and she was really good. I thought it was going to be absolutely torturous but she held it together, ran home for me to make her lunch to eat in the car and her to change into shorts, got her to school on time miraculously, and then headed to PT. It was a special day at school for her, many different activities in different classrooms and I wanted to see it too so after PT, I went back to her school and spent the last hour helping out.

When I walked in, her face registered utter surprise and then lit up. From that moment on, I could tell she was completely jazzed that I was there and wanted to show me everything, play with me, and sit in my lap. It was special because I'm smart enough to know that these days are limited. I'm glad I did it because today I got lots more kisses and affection and she volunteered to help with various tasks cheerfully. A much easier day than normal. Tonight while she was eating dinner, she said, "I want you to come to church with me Momma. (she has 15 min. of chapel once a week) I like when you come to church with me." My heart swelled, my eyes teared up a little and I said, "I like when I come to church with you too Sweetie."

This is what being a mother is all about. The personal sacrifices, the frustrations, the sleepless nights, and exhaustion...it all comes down to this - she craves my presence as much as I crave hers. Truly beautiful!

I've Got A Great Girl

I've decided with the way my life has been playing out that I'm all about creating life experiences and memories for I. A couple of things have shaped this new philosophy:

Who knows how long we have with our loved ones? If you wait for the "right time" it may never come or pass you by. What happens if something happens that makes it impossible for me to experience/make a memory with I.?

I want to make memories as a family. I've been waiting for when we can do things as a family and all these years later after Mark has died, I see that those times may never come and it may be too late. The only time is now, present day.

So with all that in mind, I decided I was taking I. roller skating today to make it feel like a Sunday. When V. is gone, it is a major struggle to make weekends feel like weekends rather than just another weekday. I. has shown interest in ice skating so I figured roller skating would be a good transition to ice skating.

Boy was I wrong! Roller skating at 3 years old is really difficult! I. looked like a spaz out there, falling down constantly, and flailing in between the falls. But you know what? We had a great time because each time she fell down and looked up at me, I was smiling and laughing and so was she. It was so hot we were drenched after the first, very long lap but we made it still standing. There were 2 times where we were both so sweaty that she slipped out of my grip and took the full impact of her fall and started crying but she recovered relatively quickly. One time, I scooped her up in my arms and whisked her around the rink to give her the experience of speed. However, she didn't really enjoy it because she wanted her independence of doing it on her own.

Afterwards, I talked to her about how proud I was of her because no matter how many times she fell, she got up, smiling, and tried again. I heard other mothers holding I. up as the example of not giving up to their older children and even had a much older girl tell me how impressed she was by I. getting up every time and keep trying.

I was so impressed by I.. She is me cubed, at the very least. To get up from falling a hundred times is one thing, to get up smiling is a whole 'nother animal. I. is amazing and I'm so proud of her. I knew how exhausting it was to me today, figured how exhausting it was to her, but didn't count on her passing out within 10 minutes. She is a great girl and I'm so lucky to have her!

I.'s Compassion

After last night ended on a bummer note (see Venting post below), I decided, as I trudged along on the treadmill, that I had better really start concentrating on the positive aspects of my life since the negative ones aren't appearing to let up in the near future. I had my little kumbaya moment as I went through all the great things I'm lucky to have and felt a little better.

On the way home from the gym, my phone signalled a text message and what a surprise, it was from a guy friend that I was looking forward to having lunch with in an hour after taking Isabella to school. Cancelling again one hour before. Okay, he had to go to a work event but this stupid thing just hit his calendar an hour earlier? That seems pretty lame. Plus, he had to cancel last Wednesday due to too many meetings and then cancelled Thursday because of another last minute work event. Even when I was in the workforce, if I made plans with someone, I did everything to make sure I made it. It's called being DEPENDABLE.

But wait, here's the good part and today I'm not being sarcastic, I'm serious. I. asks, "What's wrong Mommy?" and I tell her that my friend says he can't have lunch with me and this is the 3rd time he's done this so it kind of hurts my feelings. I. sits there quietly as I park the car in the garage and then as she holds the door to the house open for me to go through she says, "What can I do for you to make you happy Mommy?" She's 3 years old and still figures the world pretty much is all about her so you could have knocked me over with a feather. In fact, just to make sure I heard her right, I asked her to repeat what she said and she said the same thing.

I told her that if she would just give me a big hug and kiss that I would be happy and so she did. And you know what? I was incredibly happy because under her feisty exterior, I. is very sensitive, caring, and compassionate. I saw it with Mark but haven't really experienced it myself (familiarity breeds contempt you know) and it was so great being on the receiving end. Of course, I did have to reach back and pat myself on the back because I have been trying to cultivate that quality in her since Mark got sick and I guess I was successful. Something so beautiful has risen from the depths of something so tragic and sad and that's pretty amazing.

Bittersweet

This week I. and I spent some really good time together and went to a couple of preschool functions too. First, we went and met her teacher and had some one on one time with her. Even though I am/was so excited for I., I have to admit that watching her play on her preschool playground made me tear up. I know she is going to have the BEST time, that this is her time to start shining, and I'm proud that much of this is because I prepared her well. Yes, me - the parent who has been with her 24/7, feeding her body, soul, and mind. Not to discount what V. contributes but let's be honest, he's been gone for most of her life due to shitty job assignments that started back when she was 3 months old.

Regardless of the pride I felt, I still feel a major catch in my throat. I sat in today's orientation, half of it separated from our children, and as I listened to the director talk, I teared up but vowed not to break down crying but it was really hard. This is my child, my only child, waving goodbye to me as she passes to her next world and I have to be honest, it feels like Mark leaving me to pass onto another world, and V. leaving me as he goes back into his work world. I just feel continually left behind. It's just another bad timing issue that all these things have to come to pass at the same time and I'll just have to deal with it. I foresee a lot of solitary crying sessions, vodka tonics, and basically, just hanging in there.

On a happier note, we got I.'s bucket to transport all her school papers etc. back and forth and even though I am a noncreative person, we did a bang-up job on her bucket. We are both so excited about this thing. Here's some pics of it:

I've always had a problem with timing in my life and right now is no exception. V. just got back tonight and here I am bleeding like a stucked pig and this morning I injured myself at the gym to the point, where V. had to help me undress before my shower and dress after my shower and I may need to go tomorrow and have my arm put in a sling in order for it to heal more quickly. This is what V. returns home to after a month away. How pathetic! Plus, I. is sick with a cold. On top of this, I counted out the days and I'll most likely be starting my period the day we leave for Vegas for a 3 night getaway next month. I may have to intervene for that trip because this month I was really sick with cramps, nausea, and a migraine for the first day so if I can figure out how to use leftover birth control pills to delay or skip next month's period, I just might do that.

Oh the joys of being a woman!

Hell in a Handbasket

"Going to hell in a handbasket" def.: a situation headed for disaster without effort or in great haste .

This phrase was such a good way of describing my afternoon, I'd thought I'd title my post and provide the definition of it for you. After a good morning at the park with friends, we came home, ate lunch, and successfully made it to the rest hour. Aah, I thought, so far so good. The rest of the afternoon was busy but stressfree - chiropractor appointment, gas the car up, and pick up the gourmet cat food from the vet. Easy peasy, right?

Well obviously, someone didn't agree because things proceeded to go downhill from the moment I got I. up from resttime. I walked in to discover a diarrhea mess all over the bed. Okay, been there done that so I clean her off, put clean clothes on her, and proceed to strip down the bed. This takes maybe 3 minutes mind you. It's now time to go so I tell I. to go use the potty and she informs me that she's already gone in her underpants. Really, are you serious? Three minutes and I'm already cleaning one mess and she's wet her underpants within steps of not one but TWO potties. So me being Mother of the Year, I tell her she's staying in those panties and we're leaving. Go to the chiropractor and before we leave I ask if she needs to use the potty before we get gas. She informs me she's already gone in her underpants AGAIN. Now I'm really starting to get aggravated. We get gas and drive across the parking lot to the vet to pick up the surf and turf meals (that's what they should be called, damn food costs that much) for the cats. We have to wait a couple of minutes but that's okay because there are some well mannered, potty trained animals to pet. In fact, the ONLY non potty trained animal in the waiting room was I. who began peeing down her leg. I wiped it off with Kleenex and told her she better start holding it right now and that I wasn't messing around. Lo and behold, she did hold it because she has the capability of doing that when she chooses to.

We finally finish the pee fest, I mean our errands, and go home only to discover that one of the cats has left a steaming pile on the carpet for me to find as soon as I open the door. I'm really excited about this and feel extra special because she already left me one to find first thing this morning. Must be my lucky day!

Get I. fed dinner successfully and we're making our way up to her room for bathtime and then bedtime. Yeah, I'm thinking, I'm almost there. We walk into her room and see something that does not bode well for either of us.

Though it doesn't show up in the photo, the fan is on high, moving at an alarming rate of speed and Elmo's six foot long string is completely tangled in various parts of the fan, including the cord to shut it off.

I.'s 3.5 year old psyche is overwhelmed and she begins shrieking and crying at the top of her lungs "NA-NA, NA-NA" (that's what she calls Elmo) I'm looking at it thinking "Oh man, I'm screwed." because I'm going to have to get up on a really tall ladder and try to cut Elmo down without being decapitated. You know, I don't think anyone pointed this out in the Mommy job description 'cause if they had, I'm not sure I would have signed up for this.

I put I. in the bathtub and closed the door. Yeah, I know another Mother of the Year moment, but we do pay good money for swimming classes so I figured she would be okay long enough for me to extracate the balloon from the fan. I sure as heck didn't want her anywhere near the ladder while I was six feet up, with sharp scissors, dodging rapid fan blades.

I got it down, went into the bathroom to get her out and walk into a pond on the floor. For some reason unbeknowst to me, I. has opened the bathtub doors and has been pouring water on the floor. This results in instant ejection from the bathtub and the loss of one book being read at bedtime. Successfully get I. in bed and she falls asleep pretty quickly. Being naughty takes a lot out of a 3.5 year old, obviously.

Once again, I must have missed the memo that today was going to be hell in a handbasket but I'm a smart girl and figured that out all by myself.