It's Been Awhile

Many reasons for not posting for so long - error issues when I would try to post on the computer, life's business, and a lot of just trying to keep my head above water.

For now I just want to make sure I capture the memory of walking into D.'s room at my bedtime to check on him. If he went to sleep quickly to put 2 books by his bed and 2 cars in his bed for morning playtime. and him waking up and greeting me with a high pitched, happy greeting of "hi" in the middle of his night, still happy to see me.  After putting his cars in bed, I stroke his curls and tell him good night and that I love him.

And as I walk out he whispers, "I love you too."

💖💕💖💕💖

3rd Birthday Eve

I've been reading my doula's account of D.'s birth story and it takes me right back to those moments.  I remember exactly how I felt, what I was thinking and what was being said to me.  I remember the "oh shit" moment when the doctor came in to give the "we might have to do a C-section" speech to me and how I ignored her and just concentrated on what was happening and 10 minutes later was at the point of pushing which negated her C-section issue. 

I read on and am amazed that I pushed for 2 1/2 hours.  I would think I would have given up by that point.  But I was determined to have you come out naturally, that had been my goal for 9 months and because of that I was focused.  I lined up the doula to increase my chances and V. was right there helping this time around.  Last time was disappointing but this time around he was a champ, encouraging me, pressing my lower back as hard as he could with every contraction to help with my pain, and fanning me in between contractions because I was so DAMN hot.

Such great memories and I revisited the high points with D. while I was rocking him at bedtime.  He totally got it because he loved hearing about what we all thought of him when we first met him and afterwards he snuggled up tightly to my chest and when I put him in the crib, he spontaneously gave me big hugs and insisted on giving me kisses instead of the other way around.  I also talked with I. about when she first met her brother and held him and it brought back nice, loving and maternal feelings to her.

A good way to end today.

Sanctify the Ordinary

Read a quote of Jack Canfield's last week and it still resonates with me.

"Sanctify the ordinary."

If I had to list what I do during a weekday, at first glance someone may think, "Wow, it's kind of the same every day.  How mundane!"  And if I was just looking at my day from the viewpoint of what I got "done", I'd have to agree. 

But within all the ordinary of my day (and there is a lot of it) are the truly joyful moments that will be memories I cherish.  Listening to Dominic singing "Hey Soul Sister" in the backseat, watching his little face light up when I look him in the eyes and tell him I love him, sitting next to Isabella at night reading aloud some of my favorite childhood books, and the three of us happily pulling weeds in our very own veggie garden in the late afternoon.  These are the beautiful moments that sanctify my ordinary.

Mixed Bag This Week

The last two days of been full of conflicting emotions - joy, worry, contentedness, anxiety.  Thank goodness for the good stuff because the other stuff has been a real bummer.

On the good side of things, I. has been in a more positive mood this week and we continue on with our attitude of gratitude which has been really good and I think has softened her heart towards me and is developing a better relationship between us.  That makes me happy and it also helps greatly when I do need to discipline her.  Most of the time my approach is more gentle and she accepts it better.  Today I purposely built in time to play with D. and it was great.  We played cars for awhile and then played with his kitchen table set which he loves.  I enjoyed showing him how he could put his favorite animals at the table and pretend to make food for them and serve them.  It was neat to see him "get it" and really enjoy this new imaginative play.  What is amazing is how he will play by himself happily for long periods of time.  I had heard about kids like this but never had experienced it.  I can be doing something and he'll be happily playing in the same room or the next room.  Even tonight when I went upstairs to put I. in the shower, he came upstairs and was playing but came and told me that he wanted to go downstairs and play.  So he played downstairs with his garbage truck and car for at least 20 minutes until I went down and brought him up for a bath.  Amazing!

Still so thankful for our house...we love our bunnies in the front grass in the morning and at bedtime and a little family of birds in the backyard in the afternoon.  The kiddos and I ate a strawberry a piece off of our little plants for dessert and it was so sweet in many different ways.

I don't want to dwell on the bad stuff, just want to get it out of my brain so here it is:

• Parents' dire financial situation
• Feeling the need to insert myself into a situation between my brother and my parents
• My older cat having possible seizures possibly due to his chronic kidney disease/failure (will know more when I talk to the vet on Saturday)

I know there are only three but that first one has become a real doozy.  It probably wouldn't stress me out as much if we hadn't reduced our own savings account greatly when we bought our home and I felt like I had more latitude in helping them out.  I swear their situation has got to get better and soon.

The Eye of the Storm

This past week has been off the charts.  In four days, I looked at 20 houses.  So much of it is exhausting - the hope that rises up and then crashes down with everything is yuck or a no go, the effort it takes to schedule and try to arrange for sitters when necessary to see as many houses as possible, trying to corral D. when we're in houses that are not vacant, and then handpicking the top ones and going to see them with V. and family to see if one fits.  The big rush is that if we don't find one by tomorrow we're risking having to sell our house and move into a short term rental with hopes of finding a house.  Not something I really want to consider with 2 little kids and 2 cats.

Yesterday we set out to look at an additional 3 houses after a disappointing weekend of looking at houses.   To compound it all, V. is gone until basically October 12th.  Our realtor and I set out yesterday morning and to be honest, I wasn't feeling hopeful.  In fact, I had an emotional hangover.  Granted I was agonizing over this one property that we really liked but which just felt small.  I decided the night before that if this was my consistent impression of this house, I didn't want to walk into it every time for the next 30 years and have that be my first thought.  Once I realized that fact and that this was not the right house, I felt good about it until I realized I was back to square one and we had 3 days to make this whole concurrent thing happen.

First place was a bust but then we went to the next place, a place I almost missed in my automated list and had forwarded the night before to the realtor at 10:30 to say "let's look at this". We walked in and my initial thought was wow and I continued moving through it, I kept thinking "this is it, this is the one" which after looking at now over 75 houses I haven't had screaming through my brain.  Also turns out that the agent is a long time acquaintance of my realtor and as I was looking through it, she was talking on the phone with him.   V. was still in town yesterday and was able to come home early so we grabbed the kids and all went to see.  I. was so excited to see the big room that would be her bedroom and watching them run laughing and screaming in the backyard was a dream come true.  Well almost a dream come true since it's still not ours.  Long story short, we made an offer this morning and sweetened it tonight because there is a cash buyer out there trying to get it but at a low ball price.  We'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out if we've got it.  It may be another Lunesta kind of night and Xanax kind of day.  All this not to mention the activities of our house being sold ie. the inspections, appraisal, repair requests, etc., normal life, volunteering at I.'s school, and V. being gone for awhile...

However while the storm swirled around all week, I had a peaceful, joyous moment when I got D. up last night before I went to bed because he was battling a bad diaper rash.  I changed him in our room and then impulsively just laid him in bed with me, snuggling him up against me on his side with my arms around him.  He took a deep breath of me and instantly fell back asleep and we lay like that for about 30 minutes.  He would move around but ultimately ended up on his side, face burrowed in my chest with his arm thrown across me as he dreamed.  I lay there awake, smelling the top of his head, listening to his breathing, and feeling the weight of his body against mine.  I knew that I was being selfish to keep him with me for half an hour and then put him back to bed because interrupted sleep is no fun (I would know) but with all this craziness, this quietness and reconnecting with D. is just what I needed.  It brought us back to those nursing days in the darkness of the late night and early morning.  Judging by how relaxed he was and how he didn't even wake up when I put him back in the crib, I don't think it messed up his sleep too much.  And for the first time in a couple of weeks, I was able to sleep through the night without Lunesta or constant night terrors.  I swear, the only time I have ever slept without nightmares has been when I've been nursing or now it seems, snuggling with my little one right before I go to sleep.  That is pretty amazing from a physiological point of view if you think about it. 

Prayers that our offer is accepted tomorrow morning and we can be excited without fear of disappointment.

Swirling

I just don't have the energy to go into all the details of the last week and a half.  There just is so much going on and it's no surprise that my dreams and nightmares are alive and well.

To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad.  Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there.  I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't.  Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month.  Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit.  I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support.  Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments.  What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable.  At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with.  Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far.  Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable.  It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.

A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her.  She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother.  Another reason for having more than one kid!  But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet.  But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this. 

As of today we are in escrow.  We'll see if the third time is a charm.  As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly.  Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us.  The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like.  Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.

Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday.  Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain.  Horrible!  I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better.  The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis.  Yeah, just a small thing. 

So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats.  Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home.  While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for:  a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on.  I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks.  It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.

Last Days of Summer

The last four days of summer were good, full of fun but went by far too quickly.

Day 74...we went to Meet the Teacher day first thing in the morning so we would have the rest of our day.  I. already knows her teacher and likes her and having only 12 children in the class, all of whom she knows from first grade, makes me happy.  Especially since those two girls are no longer in the class and won't cause drama.  I., D., and I went down to the pool for a while and ate lunch down there too.  It was so warm that the cool water felt great and D. had a blast jumping off the stairs over and over again.  Thanks to the swim lessons this summer, I. is swimming like a fish now and I no longer have to worry about her looking like she's on the verge of drowning.

Day 75 was Saturday and I. went to a school friend's birthday pool party and had a good time.  We finished off the day with our normal linner.

Day 76 we went to the park specifically so that V. could help get I. riding without training wheels.  Too bad it was so stinking warm but they persisted and right before I was wondering whether it was actually going to happen, she took off across the grass and even made a turn!  I was so proud and she was really excited.  I'm glad I insisted that V. participate as part of his father role.  It's a day she'll always remember and that makes me happy.

Day 77 was Labor Day and we all went down to our pool for a couple of hours for lunch and swimming.  For dinner, we went to a barbecue restaurant because you have to have barbecue for the last day of summer vacation and we don't have a barbecue.  Kept thinking the house would sell quickly and it would be one less thing to move so we never bought one.  Still keeping the hope alive but some days it's hard.

This was one of our best summers - full of fun activities, new experiences, and good memories.  It made it hard for me to have I. go back to school because we did have so much fun but I'd much rather that than feeling relieved that she's gone back.  It makes daily weekday life simpler but I miss her, I really do.

Day 72

Slept like crap last night thanks to the warm evening.  When I woke up at 5:45, I turned on the monitor and could hear D. babbling happily and hoped he would stay awake until 6:30 when the alarm was going off.  He did and it was so nice to open the door and see his happy little face as he was standing up in the crib facing the door. 

I decided that our outing after his morning nap would be a trolley adventure since he was so excited about that before.  We caught the trolley at Qualcomm and rode it for 30 minutes to Seaport Village.  Lately he's been really good about holding my hand and walking so I decided to take a chance and not try to lug the stroller onto the trolley.  It worked out perfectly.  He happily sat on my lap on the way there and then held my hand as we walked the half mile to the pancake restaurant downtown.  He enjoyed his blueberry pancakes and I enjoyed my pecan pancakes and while we were eating, he kept making the sign for train to verify that we were going to go on the train again. Then we walked back to the station and enjoyed the return trip.

It was so nice to have my little guy resting against me, feeling his baby fingers search for my fingers and hold tightly when the trolley noises were a little intense or as the number of people grew.  It was soothing for both of us.  I am so thankful that we have found/created physical moments/routines of closeness that has really forged a bridge from our nursing days.  There were a few months where we were floundering and trying to find our way, mostly because I was trying to be sensitive and not remind him that we were no longer nursing.  And maybe that was necessary for those first couple of months out from nursing.  But now, I'm no longer concerned that he's missing it and now we are truly reconnecting in a way that can continue for a long time.  Such a relief.

Back in the Days

If D. wasn't going to wake up around 5:15 or possibly earlier, I'd go and sleep in I.'s bed.  I miss going to sleep knowing he was in my room.  Of course, some of the time he was in my room especially when he was getting up to nurse throughout the night, I daydreamed of closing the bedroom door and having the room to myself.  At least with D. being my second one, I recognized I was going to miss him being in my room even while I simultaneously had my daydreams, leading me to appreciate those tiring but memorable days. 

I am looking forward to opening the door and being the first person he sees in the morning...it's been about 14 months since I had that honor.

Days 67-71

Can't believe it's the last week of summer vacation for I.  It really has been a great summer and when I think of her going back to school, my eyes tear up.  But that's a good thing.

Last Friday, day 67, was a normal get things done kind of day.  All week our realtor has been going back and forth with some people and we finally agreed to their counter to our counter and I signed the contract that night to open escrow on Monday.  Pretty exciting.

Saturday I went for a vigorous hike at the lake while D. was sleeping and then instead of heading to the gym, I surprised my brother by showing up for a few hours at a karate tournament being held in San Diego.  We'll leave the conniving girlfriend out of this story for sake of time and say that it turned out fine after some annoying moments and he and I finally have a lunch together on our calendars to look forward to.  Big hugs and a kiss and good feelings between us when I left and that is what is important.  At the nighttime event, the girlfriend pissed off my mom big time and my dad too so we've got to somehow get her out of here.  That being said, this is the first girlfriend of his (and he's had many) that we do not like.  All the others became part of the family.

Sunday, I surprised I. with going ice skating just the two of us.  During the school year she had a field trip to the rink and really liked it so had been asking about it for awhile.  I was kind of concerned for myself since I hadn't ice skated in 30 years or so.  Gosh that makes me sound older than dirt and I certainly don't feel like that!  It appears to be like riding a bike and I didn't fall and even was able to maintain my balance while keeping I. upright which was difficult most of the time.  She had a good time and even though my foot felt like it had a bone bruise most of the time, I enjoyed her enjoying our time. 

Saturday night our realtor said that the people who were buying our home wanting to come and see it again on Sunday so we of course said sure but I had a bad feeling about it.  So bad that on Monday morning, I texted our agent to verify that we were going into escrow that morning.  Come to find out, now the buyers weren't sure if the layout would work for their young children and ultimately they pulled out.  I was so pissed off since my understanding is that you make up your mind BEFORE you sign a contract, not after.  On Friday I had spent time on the phone with our lender working out details and getting him more info in preparation for going out and making offers.  But no, back to the drawing board we go.  On a good note, we all went to swim class together (the last one for all 3 of us) and I.'s orthodontic consultation went well with us being told she wouldn't need to worry about anything until she's 12 or so.  Even then, it doesn't sound like it's going to be a huge thing so that is great.

Today we finally had Melissa's birthday brunch and it went fantastic.  My parents came over and picked up I. for a few days by herself with them so that they can do things that they can't do when D. is over there, ie. LEGOLAND and a movie.  So D. and I were on our own this afternoon.  We went grocery shopping where he had a piece of cheddar cheese, was offered a banana from the fruit guy and then conned his way into a slice of avocado.  Pretty awesome trip for him!  Then we came home for a late rest and then since I didn't need to get him in bed until 5:45, when I got him up we went over to the lake for a bike ride - over 5 miles in about 35 minutes.  Not bad.  It's amazing how simple it is to get  one kid in the bath and bed.  Like a cake walk!

Trying to figure out some different activities we might do tomorrow since I don't know how his sleep schedule is going to go.  When I. is here, once he wakes up in the morning, he stays up because she's up and turning on the light.  However, without her, he may fall back to sleep.  I plan on getting up 30 minutes earlier to see if I can catch him before he falls back asleep because then our day won't be broken in half by a long nap.  I'm not sure it will work, thus the multiple activities that I can mix and match.  Regardless, it should be a good day.

Days 53-65

I'm so behind on posting for the last couple of weeks.  There's been a lot of good going on but unfortunately a lot of bad health ju-ju going on around us as well.

I think I'll just do a summary of the good stuff because there was a lot of it.  We had D.'s birthday party and it was fun for him except for the fact that he didn't take his usual nap in the morning and so was pretty fried by the time I brought my homemade birthday cake out.  His sisters came down so  that made it special.  V. did a big time disconnect in the middle of the party which really pissed me off and I had to hash it out with him at a later date.  So that was kind of a bummer and also things were so hectic that I didn't even get a picture with my birthday boy which to me was the most upsetting thing.  But he had fun and understood presents and toys and unwrapping and that was really fun to see.

We've had plenty of swim classes to enjoy, a beach day, a relaxing playdate with Melissa at her house and a few last days of summer camp at I.'s school.  We've looked at plenty of houses in anticipation for our house someday reentering escrow. 

Unfortunately I have been feeling anxious this week because my dad's health situation still has not been resolved and I feel as though it's a ticking time bomb.  My parents just don't want to deal with health situations until they absolutely have to and it really angers me.  I don't know what they are waiting for.  But they rely on longtime doctors who are not really reliable and they don't follow up to make sure they are doing their jobs.  Is there anything more important than that?  And my FIL of course being basically terminally ill with bone cancer.  It just makes me so sad.  On top of that, Melissa was supposed to come over on Tuesday for her birthday celebration but her mom ended up in the ER and I told Melissa to just bring Caroline over here since her hubby was unavailable until 1ish.  That was stressful since they have never left Caroline with anyone other than her mom but I was happy to help so that she could get to her mom's side.  But it was stressful and exhausting.

It just feels like I'm surrounded by chaos and uncertainty and it makes my anxiety rise substantially.  Hopefully I'll find a way to cope better with all these things that are swirling around and out of my control.

Day 47-49

This summer has been all about multi-tasking as though I was not doing that already.  Maybe now it's multi-multi tasking.  It makes my head spin throughout the day and I cannot tell you the last time I was able to doze off in the afternoon to get a head wind for the rest of the day.

Saturday V. and I. went to the gym early while D. was taking a nap and then they went to a gift shop because I. wanted to get everyone some presents with the money she got last week through the SDSU study.  So sweet...she got me, V. and D. something special.  When they got home we looked at 3 houses, 2 of which I had seen already and had pegged as favorites.  We were going to put an offer in on one of them because it was perfect but found out later in the afternoon that they already had an offer and did not want any contingent offers.  I'm going to have to toughen up and get used to disappointment or I'm not going to survive this process.  Seeing the kids happily run around the house and the beautiful yard and the remodeled kitchen and the pantry and how the house was completely brand new and the location was great...we were all excited and then the crash of no, they don't want your stupid contingent offer.  This market is tough, really tough.  Lots of cash buyers and low inventory mean that houses go into escrow within 3 days of going on the market.  Plus they don't need to accept any contingent offers when someone is good to go.  Trying not to stress out about this, some days more successful than others.

Sunday was our baseball date and we had a good time.  Saw batting practice, walked around, and enjoyed the game even though the Yankees lost.  Had a fun time at dinner at one of our favorite places.

Today I. went to VBS but I picked her up early for swimming class since we've missed several already and before we know it, it will be time to go back to school. 

Today also was D.'s last day of being 1-something.  It kills me.  When I was cradling him and singing the regular bedtime songs tonight, I cried because this would be the last time I was looking into a 1 year old's face of mine.  I've been rereading the document my doula wrote of his birth story tonight.  It's absolutely priceless and reading it takes me right back in time.  I really am thankful for both the documentation of it and for the actual happening of it - I've never felt such pain before in my life but I got to experience bringing D. out of me into this world the way I hoped for, then seeing his little serene face and big dark eyes staring into my face , his enthusiastic nursing within 5 minutes of being born, and this feeling of euphoria coursing through me for the rest of the day.  Granted, 3 days later and for about 10 weeks after that I was in agony in various locations but the day and a half after I birthed D., I felt like I could run a marathon, climb a mountain, and do anything I wanted.  It was such a beautiful experience.

But my baby boy will turn 2 tomorrow.  Our music class friends will be coming over tomorrow to celebrate and distract Mommy from this fact, try to get her to focus on the positive (hmm, what is it again?). At least D. is close to me emotionally.  When he gets hurt and is upset, he runs to me for comfort.  He loves to snuggle against my chest at naptime, and rest time and bedtime.  He can be spazzing out and hyper but as soon as I put his cheek against my skin, he immediately relaxes and snuggles in towards me.  It's like our substitute for nursing and it's been working to soothe both of us. 

I want to have tomorrow be all about happy and that's why I am trying to get through all the not so happy part tonight.  I'll see tomorrow if I was successful in my goal.

Days 39-42 aka the New York Trip

So behind on posting thanks to our New York trip.  While the trip was exciting and fun, I was really missing my kiddos after having so much fun with them in Palm Desert.  I guess there are worse problems to be had!

The New York trip was good on many different levels.  Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions.  Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception.  Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?!  The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word.  Phenomenal, one of a kind.  And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked.  Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering.  Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.

The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them.  I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so.  While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems.  He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation.  I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain. 

Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming.  He didn't have a brain tumor.  He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years.  He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day.  The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative.  If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere.  The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well.  But basically he's dying.  Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned.  I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son.  For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late.  V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.

I'm concerned about a couple of things.  I'm concerned for V.  How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings?  How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this?  How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming?   It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark.  I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is  so much like him.

Good times behind us, tough times ahead.

Day 38

This morning after D. got up from his nap, we went over to the pool for awhile to extend our trip and we all had a good time.  D. and I roughhoused and loved each other up in the pool and then we went and visited I. and V. in the big pool.  Headed out after lunch to my parents' house to drop off the kiddos and then we grabbed dinner by our home before we went home to pack and get ready for the New York trip.  As we ate, I was missing the kids a lot.  V. was wondering how I was going to cope with being so far away from them but to be honest, being around our house without them with me makes me miss them more.  These are the places I'm with them.  When we're away, of course I miss them but I don't expect them there.  It won't feel weird with them not there in New York because I've never been there with them.

Have to get up around 3:45 tomorrow morning to make it to our New York flight in the morning.  Egads!  It's going to be brutal. I have ear plugs and my Bose earphones to try and be able to nod off at the beginning of the flight.  Just hoping that I will not have my usual first day insomnia when we get there....Lunesta samples take me away!

Day 37

Today was the last full day of vacation with the kiddos. While D. Took his morning nap, I played rummy and other games with I. And then we all went to the pools once D. Got up until about 1:30.

It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile.  Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her.  So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.

I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast.  As always, why am I surprised.  When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad.  I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me.  It's been fun to be silly and playing with them.  Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.

Days 32-36

We successfully made it out to Palm Desert on Thursday (it's Monday night now).  The weather overall has been pretty good, not at all like a normal July more like early June weather. We've been going to the pool a lot of course which both the kiddos love. This year I. Is old enough to make some friends in the pool to play with which takes some pressure off of me. D. Just loves running and jumping and eating so the dynamics have changed again.  It's been intersting to watch other families with kids at different ages and say to myself, "Oh that's what's coming next?"  As demanding as these young stages are like I told V. Other parents with older or grown up kids probably look at us and think that this is the exhausting stage but some of the sweetest times and memories. We should relish these times before they are gone.

This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands.  A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense.  Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy.  D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home.  When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them.  That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing.  There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that.  It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.

Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive.  The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend.  It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better.   I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.

Day 22 & 23

There have been so many times that I will be driving in the car and I'll glance back at D. and he'll be sitting there diagonally from me in the back seat, looking at me.  I'll look him in the eye and smile, a genuine smile, because he's just so doggone cute looking and he gives me this sweet little smile with his perfect rosebud lips pressed together.  It inspires me to glance back again (if we're at a red light) and smile at him again just to see his little smile grow bigger.  What's so amazing and what hits me directly in the heart is that it's the same exact smile as when he was a mere 1/2 hour old.  Well, let me rephrase...he didn't exactly "smile" when he was first born but he did have his lips together in the most serene, content look and that is what this smile is - just a happy, I-love-you-Mommy look that I only get when we're in the car together.  Makes my heart melt, do flip flops and my whole being go all gushy.

 

D. 30 minutes old

 

Yesterday while D. napped, I. and I got things done around the house and then we all went to swim class.  In the afternoon, I. and I played a game and then we went to the chiropractor.  It doesn't sound like a memorable day but we had a good day.  I did a funny dance after I lost the game to I. because it was a close one and she thought that was hilarious. Our wonderful summer just continues on thankfully.

 

Today I. went to summer day camp at her school for swim day and I decided to run up to LEGOLAND water park for a fun time and a research trip all rolled into one.  We had never been to the water park before and I had no idea if I could successfully keep both kiddos happy since they might want to be in different sections and if there's only one of me that could be a problem.

 

 

We got there and ate lunch and then went to the section for littler kids and my goodness, did D. enjoy himself.  With all his fussiness the last 2 weeks at the parties, I kind of anticipated some problems but he went in full tilt and we had the best time.  He ran around squealing with joy and my face hurt from smiling so much as I watched him.  Even when it was time to go and change clothes to go get I. from camp, he didn't throw a fit, probably because he was a little hungry and I enticed him with the last piece of pizza from lunch.  Still, he was a hundred times better than the last 2 weekends so maybe it's not the party situation and him having a hard time dealing with it.  Perhaps it's the number of people around him that he knows and somehow that makes him feel insecure with me.  Because today there were plenty of people around and he was fine separating from me and running around solo.  Or maybe it's because I. wasn't there?  I don't know but I'll have to keep mixing things up and seeing if I can figure it out.  The bottom line of the water park was that I think I. would have a good time if I took them by myself but she would have a better time if I took them with other people to free us two girls to go explore the bigger kid attractions as well. 

 

I find myself more relaxed this summer with the kiddos especially I.  I find more humor in what she says instead of getting annoyed.  She's been such a joy to be around for the most part, less whiny and complaining, more positive and cheerful and more affectionate with me.  I've found more patience to deal with the few times when she's reverted back to Eeyore.  I've had time to talk with her about things in the distant future, both life lessons and tips as well as my hopes for her and I and our relationship. I've talked about how important it is for her to find a man that she is friends with and who makes her laugh because life can be difficult and if you don't like the person you are married to, life will be really long and tiring.  We've talked about how I will be a Bubbi to her kids and that I will help her when her kiddos are driving her crazy.  Yesterday we were talking about how Mommy will always be there through all the hard times that come with life and whether she would want me there when she has her babies (she said she did).  I told her I could really help encourage her when she has her babies because I've been through both a baby out of my tummy and one out the other way so I know what I'm talking about.  She liked that.  Of course my cynical side tells me I'm delusional that she is going to want this 20 years down the line but I am going to try to remain optimistic.  Maybe it's strange but I can tell she enjoys it though on some level it touches her to a point that she gets shy and embarrassed but later it comes out in the form of loving affection from her both physically and verbally so I think it's good.  I can only hope and pray for the best outcome.

Day 5

Sleep, aggravation, and productivity.   These are the words to describe today.

Got 9 hours of sleep though I woke up many, many times with aches and pains.   Still it was great to wake up without an alarm and without the feeling that I should be up and doing something for my family members.  Being completely alone provides a freedom like nothing else can provide.

Aggravation came in the form of the flooring being uncompleted today and that it will continue on into next week.  However the real aggravation arose from a baseboard issue where the installers were under the impression that it was completely fine for the left half of a room to have 4" baseboards and the other half of the room to have standard 1" baseboards.  Why they ever thought that would be okay is beyond me.  But it's turning into a disagreement of sorts.  On top of that, I noticed that you can see the nail holes on the baseboards.  I'm not normally a difficult person but if I'm paying $3500+ for a professional job, I'll be damned if I'm going to be on my hands and knees patching a million nail holes and painting them.  I've got enough damn things on my own list - AND I DON'T GET PAID FOR DOING THEM.  So bite me, that's all I've got to say.

Productivity - I got many small errands done that take about 10 minutes of time to handle but by the time I've gotten the stroller out, D. strapped in, and then try to simultaneously entertain him and give sufficient attention to getting the errand done, it not only takes longer than 10 minutes, it takes a lot of my physical and mental energy.  It's a grand balancing act.

Picked up the kiddos this afternoon and while it was a bedtime filled with some crying and tantrums due to one overly tired kid and one kid on an alternative sleep schedule thanks to grandparents, when I went in to their room after they fell asleep it was heartwarming to see them sleeping.  I miss being able to see them sleep - the sight hits my reset button, tugs on my heart strings, and makes me feel as though all is good and well and as it should be.

Moments Like These

It was one of those moments I may have missed as a first time mom but now as a mom of a last one, I relished the moment.  A bit of play time with D. and as usual we needed to replace batteries in one of his toys.  This is one of his favorite things to do.  When I announce, "We need to fix this."  he goes running into the kitchen where the screwdriver is kept and clamors until it is given to him.  Then we begin the fixing process together.

And that's where this story begins and ends, in the word "together".  We open the battery compartment together and while he runs the old batteries to the trash, I gather the new batteries.  This is when it gets memorable.  D. always wants to sit on my lap as I put the batteries in and tighten the screw.  His little head is right below my head; I smell his hair and feel it on my lips as I kiss his head.  After we get it fixed, it's his turn at the screwdriver and he remains on my lap.  I adjust my body so that I can see his profile because if I could, I'd sear it into my memory forever.  He is focused and as he puts the screwdriver onto the screw, his lips purse together with effort.  His thumb and forefinger on his left hand pinch together as he struggles to put the screwdriver head onto the screw.  And when he is successful, I rub his upper arm or his back to relax him a little and quietly congratulate him - "you fixed it", "D. did it!".  His lips relax enough to smile and I can see how proud he is of himself and I am proud for him. 

It is these moments that I am so grateful to be home for, to share with him, to build him up.  I pray that although he won't remember these times, his heart will remember and know that his momma was there for these moments and that she loves him very much.

A Predominant Thought

 My days can be tiring, both physically in keeping up with D. and emotionally in navigating I.'s moods and daily frustrations. V.'s work schedule has ramped up this year and right now we are in the middle of a really busy work time.  Aside from a few hours on Wednesday night for my birthday, V. has been gone since Monday and I don't know if I'll see him before next Friday when I have planned a long weekend in Laguna Beach as a belated birthday break for me.  My BBB!   He was supposed to be home this afternoon but it's not going to happen.  I. is going to be really disappointed, even more so than I.

Aside from all this, I've had a predominant thought in my mind for the past couple of months and it is this:  this is the best time of my life.  Really.  Truly.  Do I get frustrated, lonely, tired, and angry at times?  Yes.  But looking at the great scheme of things of where I've been and where I am now and I can unequivocally say that This is it.  What I always hoped for, dreamed of, and now am getting to enjoy. 

It's not perfect - I'd like to be able to have V.'s company a lot more, it makes our connection so much easier and comforting.  Really though when is it ever perfect?  Waiting for perfect means it'll never come.  Acknowledging that my life is really happy and fulfilling 99% of the time and concentrating on each moment as it comes is important and leads to realizing how great this time is now.  Life passes by so quickly and my kids will only be young and with me for so short a time.  Taking alone time for V. and I reconnects us and by doing it more often, we fall in mental sync (i.e. saying the same thing at the same time) within 20 minutes.

I'm almost to the point of being thankful for Saudi Arabia because I really think it showed both of us that we could have lost what we had and how far off the path we had gotten.  More importantly, it has provided both of us a point of reference of where we cannot get to again and in my case, where I refuse to ever even get close to.  It's made me like the canary in the coal mine.  I even smell emotional disconnect and the walls being erected and I'm like my parrot, Hootie, when he goes into his shrieking, car-alarm mode.  Almost thankful but not quite yet; maybe in a couple more years.