So much swirling about. A fire that threatened security and resulted in a packed car just in case for the next few days. A visit to Phoenix that may have helped the kids but made V.'s long term work a reality. A trade off between agonizing back pain to lingering intermittent back pain accompanied by a possible auto immune blood disease that may raise its ugly head again just after getting over it a mere month ago. A long text conversation with an old friend that gave hope for reconnection yet followed by silence. Trying to help I. deal with the big emotional swings of V. being gone during the week and coming home on weekends. Translation: Monday thru Friday is fine but weekends she turns into a unsatisfied, unhappy person who wants nothing but Daddy leading to many miserable moments throughout the weekend. Couple all this with V.'s reticence during weekends or at the few family events with my parents and my frustration multiplies. It's been a lot to handle...A LOT TO HANDLE.
But surrounding these moments are me laughing at the fact that I. started a club at school with who she feels is the mean girl of the class and that club is the "Talk about how you're feeling" group. Being that she doesn't talk about her feelings, I found this remarkable. And with D. singing "I'm so happy" while in the crib and in the car at the top of his lungs...how can you not smile and love that. Don't get me wrong, he's 2 and the defiance and grumpiness can really rear its ugly head and make me feel like I'm living in the land of "NO". But if it's just he and I, we're safely in the land of "I'm so happy", we sing it at the top of our lungs, give kisses, and show each other our open mouth's of food. Shhh....don't tell anyone.
Showing posts with label hubby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hubby. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
Vegas And Surprises
At Christmas, I surprised V. with a Vegas trip this past long weekend for his Christmas/birthday present. We left on Friday, came home this afternoon. The kiddos enjoyed their time with my parents and we enjoyed our adult time in Vegas, our first since right before I was pregnant with D. in 2010.
Of the last 3 Vegas trips which would take us back to 2007 (I think), this one was the best because V. and I were on the same page. I won't go into details but there just weren't any Mr. Individual episodes which have got him into trouble in the past. Again, another example of D. healing us.
I was really missing the kiddos while we were gone, especially D. I know that sounds really bad but I thought about it and this is why. I. is already in school all day long and I have already gone through a grieving process with not getting to spend very much time with her during the week so it's not as drastic a change as with D. who I spend most of the day with. And since he really isn't quite the 2 year old that my intense daughter was, I really enjoy his company instead of looking forward to getting breaks from the intensity. I also miss that time at night when we snuggle together in the rocking chair, talk about the day and sing together. We may not be nursing but this skin to skin, together time is still our own time, to reconnect and move into sleep.
About 2 weeks ago, I got the potty seats out from the garage and set them up much to D.'s excitement. Since he's not even 2 1/2, it was just an exercise to get comfortable with what they were especially because D. became very interested in the potty book and his best little friend is now officially using the potty which is of interest to him. So for a couple of weeks he's been sitting on it off and on enjoying the novelty of it. My main goal was to teach him how to sit on it properly and to position his wee wee (yes, I know it's not politically correct but I can teach him the alternative name for it when he's 5) behind the hat (as I've nicknamed the pee guard). I mean come on, I'm a girl what the heck do I know about these things?!
Well, in just a couple of days he mastered the "push the wee wee behind the hat" but was like a jack in a box - sit for 3 seconds, up for 3 seconds etc. I figured he had at least learned how to sit on it so that was a step in the right direction.
We all get home tonight and after bath he saw the potty (for the first time in 4 days) and said he wanted to go potty. He sat himself down properly and he and I hung out there talking about how his eyes got soap in them and were burning. He actually sat there for almost a minute because he was distracted. Then I told him he had better go have Daddy put his PJs on if he wanted read time with Daddy so he stood up to go find him. I glanced in the potty and lo and behold there was a bunch of pee in there! There was a big family celebration with a ceremonial pour into the big potty and D. was so excited. I can't believe it. Tonight he said he is going to tell his music class that he went pee pee in the potty. Fingers crossed that there is hope that D. is easy to potty train. God knows I deserve it as a reward for my patience with I.'s potty training marathon.
Of the last 3 Vegas trips which would take us back to 2007 (I think), this one was the best because V. and I were on the same page. I won't go into details but there just weren't any Mr. Individual episodes which have got him into trouble in the past. Again, another example of D. healing us.
I was really missing the kiddos while we were gone, especially D. I know that sounds really bad but I thought about it and this is why. I. is already in school all day long and I have already gone through a grieving process with not getting to spend very much time with her during the week so it's not as drastic a change as with D. who I spend most of the day with. And since he really isn't quite the 2 year old that my intense daughter was, I really enjoy his company instead of looking forward to getting breaks from the intensity. I also miss that time at night when we snuggle together in the rocking chair, talk about the day and sing together. We may not be nursing but this skin to skin, together time is still our own time, to reconnect and move into sleep.
About 2 weeks ago, I got the potty seats out from the garage and set them up much to D.'s excitement. Since he's not even 2 1/2, it was just an exercise to get comfortable with what they were especially because D. became very interested in the potty book and his best little friend is now officially using the potty which is of interest to him. So for a couple of weeks he's been sitting on it off and on enjoying the novelty of it. My main goal was to teach him how to sit on it properly and to position his wee wee (yes, I know it's not politically correct but I can teach him the alternative name for it when he's 5) behind the hat (as I've nicknamed the pee guard). I mean come on, I'm a girl what the heck do I know about these things?!
Well, in just a couple of days he mastered the "push the wee wee behind the hat" but was like a jack in a box - sit for 3 seconds, up for 3 seconds etc. I figured he had at least learned how to sit on it so that was a step in the right direction.
We all get home tonight and after bath he saw the potty (for the first time in 4 days) and said he wanted to go potty. He sat himself down properly and he and I hung out there talking about how his eyes got soap in them and were burning. He actually sat there for almost a minute because he was distracted. Then I told him he had better go have Daddy put his PJs on if he wanted read time with Daddy so he stood up to go find him. I glanced in the potty and lo and behold there was a bunch of pee in there! There was a big family celebration with a ceremonial pour into the big potty and D. was so excited. I can't believe it. Tonight he said he is going to tell his music class that he went pee pee in the potty. Fingers crossed that there is hope that D. is easy to potty train. God knows I deserve it as a reward for my patience with I.'s potty training marathon.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
It's Official
It's official that I am close to losing my mind. Two escrows going on at one time, both with various issues and fires that need to be put out. One sick toddler. One moody grade schooler. Details and coordinations coming out my wazoo. My wazoo is tired.
It's also official that in my next life if I enter the home buying process, I'm coming back as my husband who has not had to do one iota of the details to get this to happen. Not including of course the most important thing which is bringing home the bacon. I get it. But let me marinate in my bitterness.
He can't even make it for signing the loan docs I mean COME ON! It's not that he doesn't care or maybe he really doesn't care but not in a bad way. In the way of "I'm working 80 hours with my own problems that you don't have to solve so please take care of the home decisions that are WAY more important to you than they are to me." Still. And last night he really stepped in it and started laughing at my very first status report making me feel like I was a naïve, gullible idiot who just fell for the biggest trick in the book. I cut this man a lot of slack sometimes and we use a lot of humor to diffuse situations but he just made me mad, damn mad. And when I heard his voice this morning when I. was talking to him on the phone on her way to school, I was still mad. Come to think of it, I'm mad now and he hasn't even called for the night. I feel alone in this overwhelming process and as of last night, I feel like my partner thinks I'm falling for every scheme in the book. The sad thing was I was going to tell him all the deals I got thanks to much research and conniving.
We'll see what happens tonight.
It's also official that in my next life if I enter the home buying process, I'm coming back as my husband who has not had to do one iota of the details to get this to happen. Not including of course the most important thing which is bringing home the bacon. I get it. But let me marinate in my bitterness.
He can't even make it for signing the loan docs I mean COME ON! It's not that he doesn't care or maybe he really doesn't care but not in a bad way. In the way of "I'm working 80 hours with my own problems that you don't have to solve so please take care of the home decisions that are WAY more important to you than they are to me." Still. And last night he really stepped in it and started laughing at my very first status report making me feel like I was a naïve, gullible idiot who just fell for the biggest trick in the book. I cut this man a lot of slack sometimes and we use a lot of humor to diffuse situations but he just made me mad, damn mad. And when I heard his voice this morning when I. was talking to him on the phone on her way to school, I was still mad. Come to think of it, I'm mad now and he hasn't even called for the night. I feel alone in this overwhelming process and as of last night, I feel like my partner thinks I'm falling for every scheme in the book. The sad thing was I was going to tell him all the deals I got thanks to much research and conniving.
We'll see what happens tonight.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Swirling
I just don't have the energy to go into all the details of the last week and a half. There just is so much going on and it's no surprise that my dreams and nightmares are alive and well.
To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad. Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there. I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't. Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month. Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit. I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support. Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments. What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable. At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with. Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far. Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable. It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.
A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her. She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother. Another reason for having more than one kid! But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet. But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this.
As of today we are in escrow. We'll see if the third time is a charm. As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly. Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us. The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like. Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.
Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday. Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain. Horrible! I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better. The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis. Yeah, just a small thing.
So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats. Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home. While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for: a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on. I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks. It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.
To catch up, I had to toe the line of pissing V. off for a couple of weeks until he finally agreed and scheduled time to go visit his dad. Now that his dad's bone cancer is terminal, V. won't deal with it meaning he won't communicate at all with his parents and was balking at going over there. I had to get down and dirty with him and tell him to stop acting like an unfeeling a-hole because I knew he wasn't. Finally he relented and will be visiting for 4 days at the end of this month. Then we will be out there for a couple of days the following weekend for a Giants game and to visit. I just feel so much responsibility for keeping tabs on his family and giving them support. Last week I was on the phone with his parents for awhile, giving support to his mom and making his dad laugh with my outlandish comments. What's interesting is that before I make these kind of calls, you know the ones that may be awkward or uncomfortable because of dire health situations, I'm always anxious because I want to say the right things and not make the other person feel uncomfortable. At this point, people are already very uncomfortable physically and emotionally with all they are dealing with. Somehow though in these situations I put myself in their shoes, send a prayer up to God to help me say the right things at the right time and every single time it's worked out so far. Before you may think I'm tooting my own horn, I'm not because as a rule I'm verbally awkward when I'm not completely comfortable. It's a strange thing and keeps pushing the idea of volunteering with hospice when my kiddos are older.
A momma friend of mine lost her dad last week and it really broke my heart for her. She lost her mom about 8 years ago but thankfully has a great close relationship with her brother. Another reason for having more than one kid! But my heart truly aches for her, I can only imagine her pain since I haven't lost a parent yet. But his quick bout with advanced stage cancer and my father in law's advanced stage cancer brings back many of the memories of when Mark was going through all this.
As of today we are in escrow. We'll see if the third time is a charm. As a result, a very busy week has become even busier because now we have to go looking for houses and quickly. Of course, V.'s travel schedule for the next 3 weeks is insane so the pressure is on me to find the right house for all of us. The good thing is that V. and I have been on the same page for the few homes we have looked at together so I feel pretty confident that I know what he would balk at and what he would like. Still though, I hope he can see a house before we make an offer.
Since Saturday D. has had a stuffy nose, most likely caught a virus from me that I've been fighting off since last Wednesday. Today he woke up and refused to stand or walk and when I would change his diaper or put him on the ground (so I could wipe myself, mind you) he would sob in pain. Horrible! I got a doctor appointment and it looks like the virus moved into his left hip and with some Motrin and time, he hopefully will get better. The scary part was that the doctor told me to watch him for pain or stiffness elsewhere because if it moved to his neck, he could get meningitis. Yeah, just a small thing.
So this week on top of all normal things, we will have 2 doctor's appointments for D. and 2 vet appointments, one each for the cats. Tomorrow morning while D. naps after I take I. to school, I'm going out with our realtor for a search and destroy mission to hopefully find our dream home. While part of me is sad to leave the home that we brought our babies home to, part of me is excited for: a vegetable garden for me and the kiddos, a backyard period, a play structure in the backyard, a gardenia plant, room to run and play in the backyard, a larger kitchen, a pantry/storage space for kitchen stuff, space for a play area for the kiddos in the house for imaginary play (cooking etc.), a future dog, a completely detached house and the privacy that comes with it, putting up Christmas lights and decorations... the list goes on. I am just praying that the right house for us comes on the market in the next couple of weeks. It doesn't have to be perfect, just perfect for us.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Days 39-42 aka the New York Trip
So behind on posting thanks to our New York trip. While the trip was exciting and fun, I was really missing my kiddos after having so much fun with them in Palm Desert. I guess there are worse problems to be had!
The New York trip was good on many different levels. Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions. Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception. Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?! The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word. Phenomenal, one of a kind. And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked. Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering. Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.
The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them. I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so. While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems. He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation. I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain.
Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming. He didn't have a brain tumor. He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years. He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day. The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative. If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere. The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well. But basically he's dying. Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned. I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son. For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late. V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.
I'm concerned about a couple of things. I'm concerned for V. How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings? How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this? How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming? It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark. I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is so much like him.
Good times behind us, tough times ahead.
The New York trip was good on many different levels. Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions. Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception. Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?! The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word. Phenomenal, one of a kind. And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked. Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering. Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.
The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them. I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so. While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems. He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation. I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain.
Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming. He didn't have a brain tumor. He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years. He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day. The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative. If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere. The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well. But basically he's dying. Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned. I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son. For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late. V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.
I'm concerned about a couple of things. I'm concerned for V. How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings? How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this? How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming? It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark. I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is so much like him.
Good times behind us, tough times ahead.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Day 18 & 19
It went better than expected probably because D. was acting just like he did at Caroline's party and I had my hands and arms full literally and figuratively. Also, my parents did not make comments about allowing I. to stay up late. I did let her stay up later so that she could have cake and ice cream and she didn't go to bed until 6:45, an hour and a half later. She was so exhausted that her eyes were burning and both kiddos were asleep within 5 minutes of going to bed. But only time will tell because often when I think things are okay, all of a sudden they are not.
Because we got home so late and went to bed late, I slept until almost 9 which is unheard of the last couple of years. It was so nice to discuss the paper with V., leisurely get ready and then get some things done around the house. I even squeezed a massage in there before V. and I went to an matinee and then for happy hour with margaritas and tacos. When we got home, we went down to the Jacuzzi for a half an hour or so and now we are kicking back watching a movie. Wow. It's been a long time since we've had a day like today at home and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tomorrow we are going to be picking the kiddos up from my parents around 2:30. We'll see what we can fit in before then.
Because we got home so late and went to bed late, I slept until almost 9 which is unheard of the last couple of years. It was so nice to discuss the paper with V., leisurely get ready and then get some things done around the house. I even squeezed a massage in there before V. and I went to an matinee and then for happy hour with margaritas and tacos. When we got home, we went down to the Jacuzzi for a half an hour or so and now we are kicking back watching a movie. Wow. It's been a long time since we've had a day like today at home and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Tomorrow we are going to be picking the kiddos up from my parents around 2:30. We'll see what we can fit in before then.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Time Off for Good Behavior
Tomorrow V. and I will be heading up to Laguna Beach for a long weekend, a birthday getaway for me. We postponed it until Easter vacation so I. wouldn't miss school. For the last 10 days, V. has been out of town working, except for 3 hours he was home to take me out to dinner for my birthday. It's been a long 10 days for V. and also for me being the only one on duty with the kids. This week we had fun while I. was off of school - a trip to the Wild Animal Park, linner at Souplantation, crafts, puzzles, games, a bike ride at the lake, a trip to the library, and lunch at our favorite breakfast place. It was a good time. I have to admit though, by Tuesday (day 8 without V.) I would wake up to the alarm in the morning and think, "Only 2 more days of waking up to an alarm." and the countdown continued through today.
Here's what I am looking forward to: no alarm; a relaxed, demand-free breakfast; not having a schedule; reading during the day without feeling guilty; not having to clean up and do, do, do; spending time with V.; goofing around; seeing a sunset; being out and about after 5pm. I'm sure there's plenty more but that's all I'm going to list for now.
That being said, it feels weird being here in an empty house, driving home in an empty car. Being a mom and having kids is such a major part of my life and provides so much meaning to my life. I mean, I really do something these days, something important and perhaps that is why I am so tired by the end of the day. I realize the importance, the responsibility of shaping these little humans and it takes my physical, mental, and emotional energy to do it the way I think it should be done. I've never been able to just do something half-ass and this certainly is no different.
I've earned my weekend and hope that it will recharge me until my next break.
Here's what I am looking forward to: no alarm; a relaxed, demand-free breakfast; not having a schedule; reading during the day without feeling guilty; not having to clean up and do, do, do; spending time with V.; goofing around; seeing a sunset; being out and about after 5pm. I'm sure there's plenty more but that's all I'm going to list for now.
That being said, it feels weird being here in an empty house, driving home in an empty car. Being a mom and having kids is such a major part of my life and provides so much meaning to my life. I mean, I really do something these days, something important and perhaps that is why I am so tired by the end of the day. I realize the importance, the responsibility of shaping these little humans and it takes my physical, mental, and emotional energy to do it the way I think it should be done. I've never been able to just do something half-ass and this certainly is no different.
I've earned my weekend and hope that it will recharge me until my next break.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Where Has The Month Gone?
Tomorrow is the last day of January and I swear we just got back home from our Idyllwild vacation. How is it that time goes by so fast? I don't know if it's a function of my age or the fact that I have two young children. Regardless, I try to cherish each of the small, good moments and try to forget all those trying moments.
D. has been sick so the weaning process came to a halt, not unhappily. We are down to the morning and evening feeding. Now that we are less than 30 days away from the Puerto Rico outing, I feel the pressure. Maybe on Monday I'll substitute the sippy cup of milk and hope for the best. Part of me thinks I should try it out on a non-school day for I. so that if he cries a little at bedtime, it doesn't disturb her sleep. However, my mother instinct tells me that I should start it on a day where it is predominately just he and I, that we have time by ourselves to play, read books, and snuggle during the day to lessen the impact at bedtime. So that's what I'm going with. To be honest, I don't know if I would really be pursuing weaning if it wasn't for this trip. If it wasn't a all expenses paid, reward for my husband's hard work, I think I'd forego adults' only trips for as long as it took until he was bored and ready to wean. I know when the morning arrives for us to leave for the airport to head to Puerto Rico and our house is empty of kids, I'll be really excited because it has been awhile...since March 2011. It's just that the road getting there is fraught with emotional pain for both D. and I.
Speaking of emotional pain, V.'s grandmother died on Sunday and he is back in New York to attend the service tomorrow. It's a sad time even though she was 98. There is no age that is good to die. I am monitoring V. from afar and he seems to be doing okay. I look forward to him coming home Saturday afternoon and being welcomed by two excited kids and a happy wife.
D. has been sick so the weaning process came to a halt, not unhappily. We are down to the morning and evening feeding. Now that we are less than 30 days away from the Puerto Rico outing, I feel the pressure. Maybe on Monday I'll substitute the sippy cup of milk and hope for the best. Part of me thinks I should try it out on a non-school day for I. so that if he cries a little at bedtime, it doesn't disturb her sleep. However, my mother instinct tells me that I should start it on a day where it is predominately just he and I, that we have time by ourselves to play, read books, and snuggle during the day to lessen the impact at bedtime. So that's what I'm going with. To be honest, I don't know if I would really be pursuing weaning if it wasn't for this trip. If it wasn't a all expenses paid, reward for my husband's hard work, I think I'd forego adults' only trips for as long as it took until he was bored and ready to wean. I know when the morning arrives for us to leave for the airport to head to Puerto Rico and our house is empty of kids, I'll be really excited because it has been awhile...since March 2011. It's just that the road getting there is fraught with emotional pain for both D. and I.
Speaking of emotional pain, V.'s grandmother died on Sunday and he is back in New York to attend the service tomorrow. It's a sad time even though she was 98. There is no age that is good to die. I am monitoring V. from afar and he seems to be doing okay. I look forward to him coming home Saturday afternoon and being welcomed by two excited kids and a happy wife.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Sweet Day
One of those nothing really spectacular but still a great day with D. kind of days. Took I. to school, put D. down for what appears to be his one and only nap of the day and got some house projects done.
When D. got up, we did a little remedial shopping at Vons, dropped a Goodwill donation off, and then went to the library to hang out, get some books, and D. went up and down (times about 25) the stairs in the kids' section. It was cold and windy outside so this was my attempt at getting him some exercise without exposing him to God knows what at the indoor playgrounds.
After that we went home, had lunch, and played together after he played by himself for awhile. Ah, second time moms know so much more....
V. was home right after the kids' dinnertime and watching D.'s reaction to hearing the garage door opening was really something. While I was getting D. ready for afternoon rest time, I told him that V. would be home for bathtime and told him in terms that he would understand. He was visibly excited and then when the garage door opened, he ran to me with his arms up for "pick me up". After we went down to the garage and V. got out of the car, D. shrieked "Dadda" and then laid his smiling face against my chest and patted my back with his other hand.
So sweet.
I have deciphered what D.'s 2nd word is or in this case a phrase. First word Dadda of course, and after several days of hearing a similar pattern and cadence of words, I figured out he was saying "What's that?" When I repeated it back to him, he got excited and said it again so I figured I'm right. It's amazing to see his understanding of words - slowly but surely he and we are getting there.
When D. got up, we did a little remedial shopping at Vons, dropped a Goodwill donation off, and then went to the library to hang out, get some books, and D. went up and down (times about 25) the stairs in the kids' section. It was cold and windy outside so this was my attempt at getting him some exercise without exposing him to God knows what at the indoor playgrounds.
After that we went home, had lunch, and played together after he played by himself for awhile. Ah, second time moms know so much more....
V. was home right after the kids' dinnertime and watching D.'s reaction to hearing the garage door opening was really something. While I was getting D. ready for afternoon rest time, I told him that V. would be home for bathtime and told him in terms that he would understand. He was visibly excited and then when the garage door opened, he ran to me with his arms up for "pick me up". After we went down to the garage and V. got out of the car, D. shrieked "Dadda" and then laid his smiling face against my chest and patted my back with his other hand.
So sweet.
I have deciphered what D.'s 2nd word is or in this case a phrase. First word Dadda of course, and after several days of hearing a similar pattern and cadence of words, I figured out he was saying "What's that?" When I repeated it back to him, he got excited and said it again so I figured I'm right. It's amazing to see his understanding of words - slowly but surely he and we are getting there.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Another Eve
It's not New Year's Eve...it's Idyllwild vacation Eve. This time of the year flies by so quickly. It seems like once Halloween hits, it's a race to the end of the end. First Halloween, then I.'s birthday, followed by Thanksgiving and then soon after Christmas and our annual New Year's vacation. Thank goodness D. was born in the summer.
Christmas was relaxed since we didn't have to go anywhere. We just enjoyed watching the kids opening their presents and later played with them before my parents arrived close to noon. We had a good time opening presents and dinner went well except for feeling as though we were cooking in a boat. But my metaphor or analogy (it's too late to look up the correct definition) diffused any stress and my Christmas table turned out well.
Tomorrow we leave for Idyllwild. With my lists and packing ahead of time I feel like I'm in a good place. We'll see how I feel tomorrow at 11am, if I'm in as good of shape. Fingers crossed that things will go somewhat smoothly and at a low stress level.
Also, we have no WiFi at our cabin so I may be incommunicado until we get back. Seeing that I have 3 months of magazines to get caught up on and many books to read, I'll be just fine. I'm hoping for a really great vacation getaway with my family. V. has been home quite a bit from Christmas Eve on so I'm hoping that our vacation will be a continuation of this downtime.
One big thing that came to pass, both a big positive and a somewhat negative, has been that V. made all of his annual goals and thus has made it to the "President's Club" this year. Meaning that we have an all expense paid and loaded up with all sorts of activities' trip to Puerto Rico February 28-March 3rd, 2013. I'm excited yes but I have to admit when I saw the email, my first response was to tear up thinking that I had to get D. weaned by then. It's doable but since he's sick now, it's going to require an accelerated schedule since I'm not eliminating feedings when he's sick.
I have to admit that as I see all the activities we have to choose from and I recognize that this is truly good timing, I'm getting really excited. V. and I haven't been away by ourselves since March 2011 (and that was with D. in my tummy) and I have read that 18 months is the "perfect" time to wean which would be February 6th. I think it's especially opportune time that this year happens to be the year they have this celebration in Puerto Rico. The heritage of V. and the site of our honeymoon... very fitting.
Still, I'm feeling grief and wondering if there's a way to continue nursing D. after a 5-6 day vacation. I don't want to wean him based on our needs, I'd like to wean D. based on his needs but I'm not sure that's going to work.
Christmas was relaxed since we didn't have to go anywhere. We just enjoyed watching the kids opening their presents and later played with them before my parents arrived close to noon. We had a good time opening presents and dinner went well except for feeling as though we were cooking in a boat. But my metaphor or analogy (it's too late to look up the correct definition) diffused any stress and my Christmas table turned out well.
Tomorrow we leave for Idyllwild. With my lists and packing ahead of time I feel like I'm in a good place. We'll see how I feel tomorrow at 11am, if I'm in as good of shape. Fingers crossed that things will go somewhat smoothly and at a low stress level.
Also, we have no WiFi at our cabin so I may be incommunicado until we get back. Seeing that I have 3 months of magazines to get caught up on and many books to read, I'll be just fine. I'm hoping for a really great vacation getaway with my family. V. has been home quite a bit from Christmas Eve on so I'm hoping that our vacation will be a continuation of this downtime.
One big thing that came to pass, both a big positive and a somewhat negative, has been that V. made all of his annual goals and thus has made it to the "President's Club" this year. Meaning that we have an all expense paid and loaded up with all sorts of activities' trip to Puerto Rico February 28-March 3rd, 2013. I'm excited yes but I have to admit when I saw the email, my first response was to tear up thinking that I had to get D. weaned by then. It's doable but since he's sick now, it's going to require an accelerated schedule since I'm not eliminating feedings when he's sick.
I have to admit that as I see all the activities we have to choose from and I recognize that this is truly good timing, I'm getting really excited. V. and I haven't been away by ourselves since March 2011 (and that was with D. in my tummy) and I have read that 18 months is the "perfect" time to wean which would be February 6th. I think it's especially opportune time that this year happens to be the year they have this celebration in Puerto Rico. The heritage of V. and the site of our honeymoon... very fitting.
Still, I'm feeling grief and wondering if there's a way to continue nursing D. after a 5-6 day vacation. I don't want to wean him based on our needs, I'd like to wean D. based on his needs but I'm not sure that's going to work.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Christmas Eve Firsts
I can't believe it's Christmas Eve already....I can remember last Christmas Eve like it was last week. When you're an adult, life goes fast but when you're a parent it just races by.
A pleasant surprise was that V. was downstairs working instead of going into the office like he said he was. That gives us 5 days with him (well, I. 4 days since she'll be at my parents' house after Christmas). It's a treat.
I. is so excited but thankfully her 4:18 am wake-up time caused her to be asleep by 5:30. As I braided her hair tonight, I remembered how excited I was on Christmas Eve though I had a much harder time falling asleep. This will be the first year that she will have her brother in the room to hang out on Christmas morning.
Tonight I set up our table which was a last minute compilation of a non-creative person but I think it's going to look really nice. I didn't finish it in case D. decided to pull the tablecloth in one fatal swoop. I also filled 3 stockings, put the Santa presents out and wrote the Santa letter. Oh and before I forget, I. lost ANOTHER tooth (she lost one 3 days ago) so not only am I Santa tonight, I'm the Tooth Fairy too!
No wonder I"m tired and ready for bed. I hope for a good Christmas. I know we'll have one tomorrow morning with our kids but I also hope for a smooth, relaxed one for the rest of the day including my parents. Sometimes it's time to take the stress off the parents and shift it onto the kids. Unfortunately in my case, it's the KID but I have hope for my brother.
A pleasant surprise was that V. was downstairs working instead of going into the office like he said he was. That gives us 5 days with him (well, I. 4 days since she'll be at my parents' house after Christmas). It's a treat.
I. is so excited but thankfully her 4:18 am wake-up time caused her to be asleep by 5:30. As I braided her hair tonight, I remembered how excited I was on Christmas Eve though I had a much harder time falling asleep. This will be the first year that she will have her brother in the room to hang out on Christmas morning.
Tonight I set up our table which was a last minute compilation of a non-creative person but I think it's going to look really nice. I didn't finish it in case D. decided to pull the tablecloth in one fatal swoop. I also filled 3 stockings, put the Santa presents out and wrote the Santa letter. Oh and before I forget, I. lost ANOTHER tooth (she lost one 3 days ago) so not only am I Santa tonight, I'm the Tooth Fairy too!
No wonder I"m tired and ready for bed. I hope for a good Christmas. I know we'll have one tomorrow morning with our kids but I also hope for a smooth, relaxed one for the rest of the day including my parents. Sometimes it's time to take the stress off the parents and shift it onto the kids. Unfortunately in my case, it's the KID but I have hope for my brother.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thanksgiving Weekend
We had fun during Thanksgiving vacation. We went to the Zoo but didn't see much and then headed to the Wild Animal Park the next day and enjoyed seeing various animals and a soft serve cone. It was D.'s first time walking in the petting zoo and he went and gave each goat a head butt (kiss D. style) just as his sister did 6 years ago. Head butts must be in our genetic double helix.
Thanksgiving Day went well - in the morning, I. and I baked pumpkin bread to take to Bubbi and Bobbi's house for breakfast while she was there for the long weekend and then made a side dish for Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately V. was not feeling well at all and his back was killing him. B. had to work so the girls couldn't make it down for the day, a first since V. and I have been together. I made D. a full scale Thanksgiving plate with turkey, stuffing, green beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries and pumpkin pie and he ate all of it. Unbelievable!
Thanksgiving Day went well - in the morning, I. and I baked pumpkin bread to take to Bubbi and Bobbi's house for breakfast while she was there for the long weekend and then made a side dish for Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately V. was not feeling well at all and his back was killing him. B. had to work so the girls couldn't make it down for the day, a first since V. and I have been together. I made D. a full scale Thanksgiving plate with turkey, stuffing, green beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries and pumpkin pie and he ate all of it. Unbelievable!
I. stayed at Bubbi and Bobbi's house for the weekend, enjoying both a Legoland and Zoo visit while D. enjoyed his only child status for the weekend. V. and I. took him to a park one day, out for linner another day and enjoyed a date night as well. I swear if D. had been our first we would have had a second kid soon thereafter - he's that easy.
UNTIL...this morning I dropped the pre-morning 8:45am feeding. I've been dropping a feeding about once a month since he turned a year. Actually not because I really want to which makes it worse. But because I've read that weaning after 18 months is not good developmentally and because V. may score on a week long trip to Puerto Rico (really, it had to be Puerto Rico?) in February if he makes all of his annual financial goals which is a big deal. So I've been feeling a little under the gun. This morning I cut out (I hate the term "cut out") D.'s morning nap nursing (8:40am) figuring that he had just had a good size morning nursing at 6:45am, so maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. Well, it was for both of us. We took I. to school and instead of coming home and nestling in the chair for a nursing and then nap, I read 2 books to him, swaddled him, sang to him and then put him down to sleep. He looked up at me with this shocked look but remained silent until after I left the room and he realized I was gone. Then he cried. By then I was already crying because things felt so incomplete, so not right. Thankfully he cried for a little while and then went to sleep.
However, after we went grocery shopping this morning and I fed him lunch, he melted down, crying inconsolably and getting so angry at the sippy cup that I had to hide it away. I gave up on eating lunch and we just did things that put him physically against me, snuggling and playing. When it was time for afternoon nap, he was wiped out and when I nursed him, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell asleep. For him, I think it's more of a sucking thing than an emotional thing. I truly hope that tomorrow will go a little better.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
What Makes Me Happy
Recent pics of what makes my life happy:
Read a NY Times blog today about a Gallop poll that stated that SAHM are more depressed, sad, stressed etc. than working moms or working women without children. I can understand the stressed part because as a SAHM my job is to be there for my kids, not outside of my work hours but all day and all night if necessary. They are inescapable and that can be emotionally draining. Also, unlike a job where occasionally I may have had a "Fuck it" attitude towards because there are other jobs out there, these two kids are mine. I chose to bring them in this world and no matter how gnarly, defiant or downright offensive they may be, THEY ARE STILL MINE. I don't know about you, but at some moments here and there, that realization can feel overwhelming and depressing depending on what you're dealing with.
That being said, I think being an older mom and already doing the management corporate route makes me realize that I'm not missing anything except for a fat paycheck. I make a difference in somebody's life (and usually two somebodies) each and every day. And there is something to be said about dealing with a 6 year old's behavior when the actual age of the person IS 6 years old, not 36 years old. Sometimes it's still frustrating but a hell of a lot less frustrating.
Read a NY Times blog today about a Gallop poll that stated that SAHM are more depressed, sad, stressed etc. than working moms or working women without children. I can understand the stressed part because as a SAHM my job is to be there for my kids, not outside of my work hours but all day and all night if necessary. They are inescapable and that can be emotionally draining. Also, unlike a job where occasionally I may have had a "Fuck it" attitude towards because there are other jobs out there, these two kids are mine. I chose to bring them in this world and no matter how gnarly, defiant or downright offensive they may be, THEY ARE STILL MINE. I don't know about you, but at some moments here and there, that realization can feel overwhelming and depressing depending on what you're dealing with.
That being said, I think being an older mom and already doing the management corporate route makes me realize that I'm not missing anything except for a fat paycheck. I make a difference in somebody's life (and usually two somebodies) each and every day. And there is something to be said about dealing with a 6 year old's behavior when the actual age of the person IS 6 years old, not 36 years old. Sometimes it's still frustrating but a hell of a lot less frustrating.
Day 24 - V. Is Still Gone
Going on Day 24 of V. being gone. Have you ever seen the movie "Groundhog Day"? Well every morning when that alarm goes off at 6:30 that's how I feel.
V. called on Friday, the day he was supposed to come home. The day we were all holding on for and told me that his best friend in NY was in the hospital. He had passed out the night before and fell down and split his head open. When they took him into ER, he couldn't feel his legs. I told V. he had to go up to be with him for the weekend. He drove up there this morning and spent the day and evening with his friend and his parents and will spend more time with his friend tomorrow. He can feel his legs now and can walk with help but he is going to have to have neck surgery and have rods placed in there - major surgery. But V. should be home tomorrow night just in time to leave by 4am on Monday morning to go to LA for 2 days, coming home late Tuesday night. By the time the kids see him on Wednesday before bed, it will have been one month. That is way too long.
In that time, D. has started commando crawling, then regular crawling one knee here and there. He can motor from one room to another room. He knows how to suck on his tongue to make a clucking noise. And he's become an even wilder man in the bathtub - flipping over on his stomach (this is still in a toddler bathtub) to reach the faucet behind him. He is just so determined.
While I. has not changed all that much, she is emotionally hanging in there, barely. I put together a BBQ for tomorrow because I know she enjoys that to lessen the disappointment of V. not being home as scheduled.
And me, well I try to not think of me because I need to think of these kids first. I have the ability to maintain perspective while these two are too little to do that. My job has been to hold down the fort but I will look forward to when V. is home and I am not solely responsible.
V. called on Friday, the day he was supposed to come home. The day we were all holding on for and told me that his best friend in NY was in the hospital. He had passed out the night before and fell down and split his head open. When they took him into ER, he couldn't feel his legs. I told V. he had to go up to be with him for the weekend. He drove up there this morning and spent the day and evening with his friend and his parents and will spend more time with his friend tomorrow. He can feel his legs now and can walk with help but he is going to have to have neck surgery and have rods placed in there - major surgery. But V. should be home tomorrow night just in time to leave by 4am on Monday morning to go to LA for 2 days, coming home late Tuesday night. By the time the kids see him on Wednesday before bed, it will have been one month. That is way too long.
In that time, D. has started commando crawling, then regular crawling one knee here and there. He can motor from one room to another room. He knows how to suck on his tongue to make a clucking noise. And he's become an even wilder man in the bathtub - flipping over on his stomach (this is still in a toddler bathtub) to reach the faucet behind him. He is just so determined.
While I. has not changed all that much, she is emotionally hanging in there, barely. I put together a BBQ for tomorrow because I know she enjoys that to lessen the disappointment of V. not being home as scheduled.
And me, well I try to not think of me because I need to think of these kids first. I have the ability to maintain perspective while these two are too little to do that. My job has been to hold down the fort but I will look forward to when V. is home and I am not solely responsible.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Mother's Day Report and Then Some
This morning was the first morning in I don't know how long, perhaps 9 months, that I was not awakened by D. before my alarm went off. Oh he was up but he was quietly dismantling everything he possibly could inside his pack and play. He pulled the cord out of the vibration thingy, pushed on the nightlight, and fiddled with other buttons until he had bird chirping noises going off. Of course this was in addition to the heartbeat white noise machine that is normally on, safely out of his reach. All this made for a busy, focused and less vocal morning thus my ability to sleep until the alarm.
And boy did that make a difference in how I felt when I woke up. I was alert and felt relatively rested when the alarm went off and able to easily get out of bed instead of falling back asleep numerous times within the first minute. Now that I sit here at the end of my day, I feel pretty okay granted I did doze off for about 20 minutes this afternoon but that was after a busy morning around the house, followed by grocery shopping with D. strapped on me and then lugging him and the groceries up 2 flights of stairs. After a very quick lunch, we were off to get I. from school, take her to the dentist, and then get home in time to feed D. and get him down for an hour long nap. Plus a couple of loads of wash...and I feel much better than I have in the past few weeks.
I think I have been discounting what getting woken up 2-5 times in my last hour of sleep does to me. Obviously more than I realized. While this doesn't change anything really, it might make me feel better about my tiredness. I'm not moving D. into I.'s room until she's out of school because we don't need to go through this learning curve when she's so close to the end of the school year. I think we'll start it after the 4th of July. Most likely she'll be at my parents' house for a few days so that may be a good time to move D. in there by himself and get used to the new environment before she comes home.
Finally a good Mother's Day, no drama and no stress. It was a small group without my brother's girlfriend and V. but it was still good. And of course my sister wasn't there thankfully. Strangely enough she sent me a card "To My Lovely Sister" and wrote that she hoped I cherished I. and D. even more. Huh?? And a book that she said reminded me of the books I've gotten her in the past though the description of this book talked about a claustrophobic work and sex and death so I'm not quite sure about that. I did make note that it was better than the book she got my dad a couple of years back - the cover of the book was covered with pictures of cockroaches and was some futuristic, nightmarish story. So I guess I should count myself lucky. Not sure what to make of this odd development though. My mom really liked my gift of her father's poems and stories bound in a book and I'm sure once she gets over the shock, I'll hear more from her about it.
All in all, a good Mother's Day though a tiring one. While lunch was nice, between cutting up I.'s food, monitoring her water intake, taking her to the bathroom, shoving food in D.'s mouth before he got upset and trying to catch all the things he was throwing on the floor at a record pace, it was a little chaotic. Thank goodness for the free Bloody Mary for the moms or I may have gotten stressed with the level of chaos. That being said, I think I'm doing pretty well more times than not juggling two kids. Yes, it takes a lot of me but that's only because I'm trying to strike a balance not only between the two kids but also a balance for each one.
V.'s home on Friday night and I'm really looking forward to it. He will have been gone basically a month and that in our lives right now is a very long time.
And boy did that make a difference in how I felt when I woke up. I was alert and felt relatively rested when the alarm went off and able to easily get out of bed instead of falling back asleep numerous times within the first minute. Now that I sit here at the end of my day, I feel pretty okay granted I did doze off for about 20 minutes this afternoon but that was after a busy morning around the house, followed by grocery shopping with D. strapped on me and then lugging him and the groceries up 2 flights of stairs. After a very quick lunch, we were off to get I. from school, take her to the dentist, and then get home in time to feed D. and get him down for an hour long nap. Plus a couple of loads of wash...and I feel much better than I have in the past few weeks.
I think I have been discounting what getting woken up 2-5 times in my last hour of sleep does to me. Obviously more than I realized. While this doesn't change anything really, it might make me feel better about my tiredness. I'm not moving D. into I.'s room until she's out of school because we don't need to go through this learning curve when she's so close to the end of the school year. I think we'll start it after the 4th of July. Most likely she'll be at my parents' house for a few days so that may be a good time to move D. in there by himself and get used to the new environment before she comes home.
Finally a good Mother's Day, no drama and no stress. It was a small group without my brother's girlfriend and V. but it was still good. And of course my sister wasn't there thankfully. Strangely enough she sent me a card "To My Lovely Sister" and wrote that she hoped I cherished I. and D. even more. Huh?? And a book that she said reminded me of the books I've gotten her in the past though the description of this book talked about a claustrophobic work and sex and death so I'm not quite sure about that. I did make note that it was better than the book she got my dad a couple of years back - the cover of the book was covered with pictures of cockroaches and was some futuristic, nightmarish story. So I guess I should count myself lucky. Not sure what to make of this odd development though. My mom really liked my gift of her father's poems and stories bound in a book and I'm sure once she gets over the shock, I'll hear more from her about it.
All in all, a good Mother's Day though a tiring one. While lunch was nice, between cutting up I.'s food, monitoring her water intake, taking her to the bathroom, shoving food in D.'s mouth before he got upset and trying to catch all the things he was throwing on the floor at a record pace, it was a little chaotic. Thank goodness for the free Bloody Mary for the moms or I may have gotten stressed with the level of chaos. That being said, I think I'm doing pretty well more times than not juggling two kids. Yes, it takes a lot of me but that's only because I'm trying to strike a balance not only between the two kids but also a balance for each one.
V.'s home on Friday night and I'm really looking forward to it. He will have been gone basically a month and that in our lives right now is a very long time.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Momma On Duty
V. was out of town last week, Wednesday through Sunday. Our family time consisted of a few hours yesterday from 2-5pm. and I got the wife bonus of 4 more hours until 10pm. Even with a trip to Legoland on Saturday with my parents, we were left feeling ripped off.
On the heels of this, V. told me yesterday that he will have to leave tomorrow and may not be home until May 21st. He may be home earlier but considering this company, the project, and my own past experience with both, I doubt it. Needless to say, I'm down. I'm trying not to jump the gun on getting down since he is home this evening. But it's hard.
What makes it especially hard is the emotional toll it takes on I. I guess I was naive or dumb to think that V. being away would negatively affect her when she was younger. I thought she'd be busy in school and making friends so V. being gone wouldn't be as noticeable as when she was home full-time with me. I was wrong. After about 5 days, she becomes fragile and it's not something I can fix, fill, or cure. It usually surfaces in tears at the end of the day when I may be getting short with her because instead of getting undressed for bath, she's bouncing off the bedroom walls. Now with D. to juggle around, I can't waste time at this time of day because he's tired too and the longer it takes, the more fussy he's going to be when I'm trying to read her books at bedtime. So I may snap at I. to get her back on track and that's when the "I wish Daddy was here." and the tears start. Of course, then I feel like a real heel, albeit a tired heel.
This will also be the first long haul trip since having D. Although he is truly a joy, nonetheless he is a responsibility and something additional for me to juggle. To survive, I'm really going to have to plan ahead. I won't be getting to the gym on the weekends since D. still won't make it past 15 minutes without me (separation anxiety phase) so this means I need to make sure I schedule some brisk walks with him and pencil in some workout time at home while he takes a morning nap. In the afternoon when I'm feeding the kids dinner, I need to make sure I eat a string cheese or something to avoid being starving and shaky when I'm getting them to bed. Lastly, I"ll need to plan ahead for the weekends so that they feel like a weekend for all of us. Normally, Daddy being home is what defines the weekends, much like having my parents visit us in the afternoon define Thursdays.
While I am thankful that V. is my husband, father of my children, and most importantly my favorite person to hang out with, it makes it especially tough when he's gone. If I didn't enjoy him so dang much, it wouldn't be as hard. Complaining aside, I can't imagine being away from my kids for 3 weeks and I remain thankful and blessed that it's not me who has to do this. If it was me who was having to leave, I'd be sobbing for days on end. With that in mind, I'll keep my sniveling down to a minimum and count my blessings.
On the heels of this, V. told me yesterday that he will have to leave tomorrow and may not be home until May 21st. He may be home earlier but considering this company, the project, and my own past experience with both, I doubt it. Needless to say, I'm down. I'm trying not to jump the gun on getting down since he is home this evening. But it's hard.
What makes it especially hard is the emotional toll it takes on I. I guess I was naive or dumb to think that V. being away would negatively affect her when she was younger. I thought she'd be busy in school and making friends so V. being gone wouldn't be as noticeable as when she was home full-time with me. I was wrong. After about 5 days, she becomes fragile and it's not something I can fix, fill, or cure. It usually surfaces in tears at the end of the day when I may be getting short with her because instead of getting undressed for bath, she's bouncing off the bedroom walls. Now with D. to juggle around, I can't waste time at this time of day because he's tired too and the longer it takes, the more fussy he's going to be when I'm trying to read her books at bedtime. So I may snap at I. to get her back on track and that's when the "I wish Daddy was here." and the tears start. Of course, then I feel like a real heel, albeit a tired heel.
This will also be the first long haul trip since having D. Although he is truly a joy, nonetheless he is a responsibility and something additional for me to juggle. To survive, I'm really going to have to plan ahead. I won't be getting to the gym on the weekends since D. still won't make it past 15 minutes without me (separation anxiety phase) so this means I need to make sure I schedule some brisk walks with him and pencil in some workout time at home while he takes a morning nap. In the afternoon when I'm feeding the kids dinner, I need to make sure I eat a string cheese or something to avoid being starving and shaky when I'm getting them to bed. Lastly, I"ll need to plan ahead for the weekends so that they feel like a weekend for all of us. Normally, Daddy being home is what defines the weekends, much like having my parents visit us in the afternoon define Thursdays.
While I am thankful that V. is my husband, father of my children, and most importantly my favorite person to hang out with, it makes it especially tough when he's gone. If I didn't enjoy him so dang much, it wouldn't be as hard. Complaining aside, I can't imagine being away from my kids for 3 weeks and I remain thankful and blessed that it's not me who has to do this. If it was me who was having to leave, I'd be sobbing for days on end. With that in mind, I'll keep my sniveling down to a minimum and count my blessings.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tired Day
A little melancholy today. Had a good day and evening with V. yesterday, working as a team with the kids and enjoying each other's company after they went to bed. Last week he was gone Tuesday through Friday but because there was a chance he might come home on Thursday, I made it through okay. However, this morning at 3:45am, when V. left, the garage door woke me up and my first thought was how I wasn't going to see him until Friday night at the earliest. It bummed me out and I felt it all day long.
It didn't help my melancholy when I. said at the end of the day that she enjoyed Daddy more than me because "Daddy plays with me". What?! He plays with her for about 5 minutes each weekend and that's about it. Several times during the week and for a good chunk of time during the weekend, I play with her. Not to mention that I've been the one here and playing with her for basically her whole life. Yet Daddy gets the credit. Now, after thinking about it more, I may have stumbled on why I. said what she said. I had just told her that V. was going to be gone all week working and I know she was disappointed about that so it may have been a case of "shooting the messenger" and missing Daddy. Before she went to bed, I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends told her that they had more fun playing with someone else. She answered, "Sad." I said, "How do you think it made me feel when you said you enjoyed Daddy more?" She was quiet so all I said was, "Just because I"m your mommy doesn't mean I don't have feelings." and left it at that. From her face I think she got my point. I don't want to guilt her out but I think it's important that she understands that she's old enough to be held accountable for what she says and for how it affects others, even me.
The last topic of today is my tiredness. I am really tired by the end of the day even though I am getting around 7 hours of sleep. To be honest, that is 1-2 hours a day less than I normally need so I guess that could be it. The other thing I realized tonight is that before D., when I. was in school I was able to recharge because I was by myself. I didn't have to talk to anyone, perform, or interact socially. As an introverted person, that recharges my battery. Now with D. here, when I. is at school my time is spent with him which I enjoy and cherish. I wouldn't change a thing if I could. But what that means is that I don't have much "recharge" time before I. is out of school and wanting my attention. And I want to give her my attention but some days when I get D. down for his short afternoon nap, I just really need to lay on the couch next to I. and doze off even just for 5 minutes to get enough head of steam to make it through the end of our day. Of course, she's not too thrilled with this but I let her play a video game and while I"m not thrilled with that, it gives her some down time and allows me to rest for a short time before D. is back up again.
Many days I feel as though I am doing a good job adjusting to two kids but some days it's still a struggle. Thinking it over though, I think my exhaustion last week was a function of being the only parent on hand all week. That doesn't bode well since this week will be even longer but at least my parents should be coming over for one afternoon which should help.
It didn't help my melancholy when I. said at the end of the day that she enjoyed Daddy more than me because "Daddy plays with me". What?! He plays with her for about 5 minutes each weekend and that's about it. Several times during the week and for a good chunk of time during the weekend, I play with her. Not to mention that I've been the one here and playing with her for basically her whole life. Yet Daddy gets the credit. Now, after thinking about it more, I may have stumbled on why I. said what she said. I had just told her that V. was going to be gone all week working and I know she was disappointed about that so it may have been a case of "shooting the messenger" and missing Daddy. Before she went to bed, I asked her how she would feel if one of her friends told her that they had more fun playing with someone else. She answered, "Sad." I said, "How do you think it made me feel when you said you enjoyed Daddy more?" She was quiet so all I said was, "Just because I"m your mommy doesn't mean I don't have feelings." and left it at that. From her face I think she got my point. I don't want to guilt her out but I think it's important that she understands that she's old enough to be held accountable for what she says and for how it affects others, even me.
The last topic of today is my tiredness. I am really tired by the end of the day even though I am getting around 7 hours of sleep. To be honest, that is 1-2 hours a day less than I normally need so I guess that could be it. The other thing I realized tonight is that before D., when I. was in school I was able to recharge because I was by myself. I didn't have to talk to anyone, perform, or interact socially. As an introverted person, that recharges my battery. Now with D. here, when I. is at school my time is spent with him which I enjoy and cherish. I wouldn't change a thing if I could. But what that means is that I don't have much "recharge" time before I. is out of school and wanting my attention. And I want to give her my attention but some days when I get D. down for his short afternoon nap, I just really need to lay on the couch next to I. and doze off even just for 5 minutes to get enough head of steam to make it through the end of our day. Of course, she's not too thrilled with this but I let her play a video game and while I"m not thrilled with that, it gives her some down time and allows me to rest for a short time before D. is back up again.
Many days I feel as though I am doing a good job adjusting to two kids but some days it's still a struggle. Thinking it over though, I think my exhaustion last week was a function of being the only parent on hand all week. That doesn't bode well since this week will be even longer but at least my parents should be coming over for one afternoon which should help.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Long Time No Post
It's been 2 weeks since I last posted due to a combination of computer issues, sickness, and absences. Blogger has decided that it will no longer allow Internet Explorer to open its website and blogs so I have to make a conscience effort each day to utilize Google Chrome to open Blogger. This extra step throws me off and often I don't open it. For the past week, I've been battling a cold thanks to I. and nursing D. literally back to health from the same cold (as well as I. but I haven't been nursing her literally). Also, V. was gone pretty much for the past 2 weeks so I was busy getting the taxes inputted online, getting account reconciliations done, and other mundane, time-consuming projects that I don't feel like doing when he's here.
This morning D. woke up at 4:25am and after nursing him, I discovered that the vibrating sleep aid in his pack and play, the one that helps him fall back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, was out of batteries. Needless to say, it was a bust and so we started our day at 4:25.
One interesting thing of the day was that I received a call from a modeling agency that I sent D.'s pics to. On their website they make it clear that they probably won't call you back so when I got the call, I was surprised and kind of jazzed. They are interested and want more pics as well as his weight, height, and clothing sizes 'cause you know it IS a modelling gig!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I.'s school is celebrating Father's Day on it so V. will be going to I.'s school for a special song performance and lunch with I. I will be going with D. just to capture it on film. She is so excited. I've noticed the last month that I. is really getting attached to V. and missing him more than she ever has. I've alerted V. to it and though he poopoos it, he has been more receptive that when I text him that I. really wants to hear his voice, he makes an effort to call us asap. It is a strange life that we live.
This morning D. woke up at 4:25am and after nursing him, I discovered that the vibrating sleep aid in his pack and play, the one that helps him fall back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, was out of batteries. Needless to say, it was a bust and so we started our day at 4:25.
One interesting thing of the day was that I received a call from a modeling agency that I sent D.'s pics to. On their website they make it clear that they probably won't call you back so when I got the call, I was surprised and kind of jazzed. They are interested and want more pics as well as his weight, height, and clothing sizes 'cause you know it IS a modelling gig!
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I.'s school is celebrating Father's Day on it so V. will be going to I.'s school for a special song performance and lunch with I. I will be going with D. just to capture it on film. She is so excited. I've noticed the last month that I. is really getting attached to V. and missing him more than she ever has. I've alerted V. to it and though he poopoos it, he has been more receptive that when I text him that I. really wants to hear his voice, he makes an effort to call us asap. It is a strange life that we live.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Missing the Hubby
This is a picture from the hubby's birthday dinner that we sneaked out for last week. We really had a good time. Now I'm missing him big time. I have gotten used to him being around at least part of the week. Even on the nights when he can't make it home for bath or bedtime with the kids, at least I know he'll be around for the evening and that brings me comfort. This week beginning today (Sunday) he's over in Florida and next week he'll be in San Francisco and Dallas.
It's funny how you get accustomed to what you have to. I mean I survived V. being in Saudi Arabia for a month or more at a time for 18 months total and I'm having a hard time with him being gone for a week at a time?
The fact is though that we are in a different place, a very different place, than we were during the Saudi Arabia time. Those were dark times for both of us - going through a work separation that we didn't anticipate nor wanted plus making it through Mark's death. It was just bad all around. But we made it, barely it seemed at times. We came back stronger, more aware of what we could have lost, more thankful for what we still had.
And then our little surprise made itself known. And that led to another major surprise that it was a boy. The healing began in baby steps but still there was the stress of how this would change our family, going from just I. to another, would V. be around at all unlike with I., and would I be able to handle 2 kids at a time. Then D. arrived and the miracles began. A miracle that he was able to be born as I had hoped for, that he was safe and healthy despite his traumatic arrival, and as we got to know him, that he truly was the "completer" of our family. He not only completes V. and I kids-wise, he touches something in I. and her little heart swells whenever she sees him. We are so blessed.
This baby has brought a new tender sweetness to V. and I's relationship. V. and I are both strong, independent, capable individuals. He can go away and know that I will be okay - our family and home will be okay. But one of the best parts of "us" is that we have always been that one person for each other to whom we can just lay our defenses down, not guard ourselves and feel safe. We know we can survive on our own but we don't want to. Since D. has been here, giving him a bath together before he gets nursed and put to bed, is a really special time for us to share. Of course I enjoy giving him a bath even if it's by myself but when V. is here, it adds an additional level of feeding of my soul. We are experiencing it together and are creating shared memories that we will be able to look back on and smile. With the hours V. works, this is not a given and I don't take it for granted.
Just another reason why I'm missing the hubby...
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Good Stuff
Here's two things that fit into this category.
One is the 10-15 minutes a day after I. goes to bed and D. is going to have a bath when D. and I sit in the glider and have a tete-a-tete, eye to eye session. I look forward to it all day because the rest of the day is spent with him feeding, napping, and us shuttling I. to and from kindergarten. With D. needing sleep every 2 hours, it doesn't leave us any time to just relax while he is awake. Well, there is some time in the morning but that's when I. gets her time with D. and I'm usually finishing up getting ready and stuffing something for breakfast in my mouth. But that 10-15 minutes at the end of the day is wonderful. D. gives me the biggest smiles while his big blue eyes just stare at me and then he'll coo and move his lips and tongue around as he tries to communicate with me. It's just awesome and almost always brings tears to my eyes. I'm really enjoying these sweet moments of these early days.
The second thing that is good stuff is that today is V. and I's 8th wedding anniversary. It's gotten to the point that I'm more excited about this day than I am my own birthday because it marks a real accomplishment in these times, especially considering the stresses of V.'s work taking him away to the ends of the earth for extended lengths of time. We're in a good place this anniversary. A couple of anniversaries ago, after Mark had died and V. had been in Saudi Arabia for almost 18 months, we were in recovery stage from all that these major stresses had caused. That anniversary was more like, "Whew, we actually made it to this one." Not this year. This year feels like a renewal of sorts now that D. is here and completes our family. We feel lucky and blessed and this little guy makes both of us smile involuntarily and often. Seeing I. so thrilled and in love with D. also makes us happy. Life is good. I'm looking forward to dinner at George's where we had our wedding reception too. As V. puts it, "returning to the scene of the crime". How that day came about was a miracle in and of itself and every year, we reflect back with a lot of smiles, head shakings, and retelling of who reeled who in on the proverbial fishing pole. Every year it's a fun time and I anticipate this year will be no different.
One is the 10-15 minutes a day after I. goes to bed and D. is going to have a bath when D. and I sit in the glider and have a tete-a-tete, eye to eye session. I look forward to it all day because the rest of the day is spent with him feeding, napping, and us shuttling I. to and from kindergarten. With D. needing sleep every 2 hours, it doesn't leave us any time to just relax while he is awake. Well, there is some time in the morning but that's when I. gets her time with D. and I'm usually finishing up getting ready and stuffing something for breakfast in my mouth. But that 10-15 minutes at the end of the day is wonderful. D. gives me the biggest smiles while his big blue eyes just stare at me and then he'll coo and move his lips and tongue around as he tries to communicate with me. It's just awesome and almost always brings tears to my eyes. I'm really enjoying these sweet moments of these early days.
The second thing that is good stuff is that today is V. and I's 8th wedding anniversary. It's gotten to the point that I'm more excited about this day than I am my own birthday because it marks a real accomplishment in these times, especially considering the stresses of V.'s work taking him away to the ends of the earth for extended lengths of time. We're in a good place this anniversary. A couple of anniversaries ago, after Mark had died and V. had been in Saudi Arabia for almost 18 months, we were in recovery stage from all that these major stresses had caused. That anniversary was more like, "Whew, we actually made it to this one." Not this year. This year feels like a renewal of sorts now that D. is here and completes our family. We feel lucky and blessed and this little guy makes both of us smile involuntarily and often. Seeing I. so thrilled and in love with D. also makes us happy. Life is good. I'm looking forward to dinner at George's where we had our wedding reception too. As V. puts it, "returning to the scene of the crime". How that day came about was a miracle in and of itself and every year, we reflect back with a lot of smiles, head shakings, and retelling of who reeled who in on the proverbial fishing pole. Every year it's a fun time and I anticipate this year will be no different.
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