Vegas And Surprises

At Christmas, I surprised V. with a Vegas trip this past long weekend for his Christmas/birthday present.  We left on Friday, came home this afternoon.  The kiddos enjoyed their time with my parents and we enjoyed our adult time in Vegas, our first since right before I was pregnant with D. in 2010.

Of the last 3 Vegas trips which would take us back to 2007 (I think), this one was the best because V. and I were on the same page.  I won't go into details but there just weren't any Mr. Individual episodes which have got him into trouble in the past.  Again, another example of D. healing us.

I was really missing the kiddos while we were gone, especially D.  I know that sounds really bad but I thought about it and this is why.  I. is already in school all day long and I have already gone through a grieving process with not getting to spend very much time with her during the week so it's not as drastic a change as with D. who I spend most of the day with.  And since he really isn't quite the 2 year old that my intense daughter was, I really enjoy his company instead of looking forward to getting breaks from the intensity.  I also miss that time at night when we snuggle together in the rocking chair, talk about the day and sing together.  We may not be nursing but this skin to skin, together time is still our own time, to reconnect and move into sleep.

About 2 weeks ago, I got the potty seats out from the garage and set them up much to D.'s excitement.  Since he's not even 2 1/2, it was just an exercise to get comfortable with what they were especially because D. became very interested in the potty book and his best little friend is now officially using the potty which is of interest to him.  So for a couple of weeks he's been sitting on it off and on enjoying the novelty of it.  My main goal was to teach him how to sit on it properly and to position his wee wee (yes, I know it's not politically correct but I can teach him the alternative name for it when he's 5) behind the hat (as I've nicknamed the pee guard).  I mean come on, I'm a girl what the heck do I know about these things?! 

Well, in just a couple of days he mastered the "push the wee wee behind the hat" but was like a jack in a box - sit for 3 seconds, up for 3 seconds etc.  I figured he had at least learned how to sit on it so that was a step in the right direction. 

We all get home tonight and after bath he saw the potty (for the first time in 4 days) and said he wanted to go potty.  He sat himself down properly and he and I hung out there talking about how his eyes got soap in them and were burning.  He actually sat there for almost a minute because he was distracted.  Then I told him he had better go have Daddy put his PJs on if he wanted read time with Daddy so he stood up to go find him.  I glanced in the potty and lo and behold there was a bunch of pee in there!  There was a big family celebration with a ceremonial pour into the big potty and D. was so excited.  I can't believe it.  Tonight he said he is going to tell his music class that he went pee pee in the potty.  Fingers crossed that there is hope that D. is easy to potty train.  God knows I deserve it as a reward for my patience with I.'s potty training marathon.

Last Days of Summer

The last four days of summer were good, full of fun but went by far too quickly.

Day 74...we went to Meet the Teacher day first thing in the morning so we would have the rest of our day.  I. already knows her teacher and likes her and having only 12 children in the class, all of whom she knows from first grade, makes me happy.  Especially since those two girls are no longer in the class and won't cause drama.  I., D., and I went down to the pool for a while and ate lunch down there too.  It was so warm that the cool water felt great and D. had a blast jumping off the stairs over and over again.  Thanks to the swim lessons this summer, I. is swimming like a fish now and I no longer have to worry about her looking like she's on the verge of drowning.

Day 75 was Saturday and I. went to a school friend's birthday pool party and had a good time.  We finished off the day with our normal linner.

Day 76 we went to the park specifically so that V. could help get I. riding without training wheels.  Too bad it was so stinking warm but they persisted and right before I was wondering whether it was actually going to happen, she took off across the grass and even made a turn!  I was so proud and she was really excited.  I'm glad I insisted that V. participate as part of his father role.  It's a day she'll always remember and that makes me happy.

Day 77 was Labor Day and we all went down to our pool for a couple of hours for lunch and swimming.  For dinner, we went to a barbecue restaurant because you have to have barbecue for the last day of summer vacation and we don't have a barbecue.  Kept thinking the house would sell quickly and it would be one less thing to move so we never bought one.  Still keeping the hope alive but some days it's hard.

This was one of our best summers - full of fun activities, new experiences, and good memories.  It made it hard for me to have I. go back to school because we did have so much fun but I'd much rather that than feeling relieved that she's gone back.  It makes daily weekday life simpler but I miss her, I really do.

Days 39-42 aka the New York Trip

So behind on posting thanks to our New York trip.  While the trip was exciting and fun, I was really missing my kiddos after having so much fun with them in Palm Desert.  I guess there are worse problems to be had!

The New York trip was good on many different levels.  Good adult time as we interacted with other couples and were by ourselves for the few "work" functions.  Great time at the Lion King after a wonderful reception.  Got picked up from JFK by a black, top of the line Lexus with a driver - I mean come on, really?!  The dinner on Saturday was exquisite and I don't usually use that word.  Phenomenal, one of a kind.  And both of the full days we were there we walked and walked and walked.  Exploring different areas of Manhattan, jumping on the subway to travel further and just having a good time relaxing and wandering.  Both days lunch was grabbing a Sabrett's hot dog on a corner and eating it as we continued walking.

The only bummer (and it's a real bummer) was that we made a stop on Sunday over at V.'s parents house.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see them.  I was the one telling V. we should come back on Monday so we could spend Sunday with them but after being gone for so long and a new job, he nixed that so all we ended up with was 3.5 hours or so.  While we were at their house, V. hooked up his computer as soon as we got there to try and check in for his flight the next morning to Phoenix which would be fine except there were problems.  He literally spent an hour over at the kitchen table on the computer while I sat in the living room with his parents carrying on a conversation.  I have no problem with that except for the fact that his dad is sick and he kept fidgeting around the chair like he was in pain. 

Bottom line, as we found out from my brother in law as he was driving us to the airport, is that my father in law has been less than forth coming.  He didn't have a brain tumor.  He has bone cancer as a result of having prostate cancer for the past 20 years.  He could have had better treatment for the prostate cancer over the last 20 years but chose to just take a pill a day.  The cancer has spread everywhere and at this point the radiation he is receiving ( a new 12 week regimen that began last week) is only for palliative.  If they were to do a CT scan, his entire body would light up...it's everywhere.  The radiation is to just keep the pain down and he has pain meds to help with that as well.  But basically he's dying.  Literally we heard all of this as we approached the airport and we were both stunned.  I'm worried for V. because he is his father's son.  For that very reason, I told him that I would never allow him to keep me in the dark like that because it is just a horrible thing to find out that you could have done something but it's now too late.  V. was so wiped out with all that info that he pretty much slept all the way home.

I'm concerned about a couple of things.  I'm concerned for V.  How do I support someone who refuses to acknowledge situations or feelings?  How do I cope with my own memories of Mark, the pain and anguish that accompanies all of this?  How do I support and connect with V.'s dad and how do I involve I. (who is already involved) and prepare her for what is coming?   It is bringing up all the thoughts and pain of Mark.  I really like V.'s dad (and mom for that matter) and understand him because V. is  so much like him.

Good times behind us, tough times ahead.

Day 37

Today was the last full day of vacation with the kiddos. While D. Took his morning nap, I played rummy and other games with I. And then we all went to the pools once D. Got up until about 1:30.

It again was a bit of a divide and conquer strategy where we each would take one kid and then we would switch off after awhile.  Having two kids for once made things more even because when we only had I., V. Would refuse to get in the water for the most part and I would be solely in charge of entertaining her.  So that made my irritation factor basically disappear this year.

I can't believe that tonight is our last night. It went so fast.  As always, why am I surprised.  When I think of dropping the kiddos off at my parents Thursday through Sunday, I'm sad.  I've enjoyed having fun with my kiddos without all the tasks and errands and chores etc. pulling at me.  It's been fun to be silly and playing with them.  Once I get to New York for V.'s work trip, I'm sure I will enjoy it but a part of me knows that this vacation will be one that will never come around again due to the young ages and stages of the kiddos.

Days 32-36

We successfully made it out to Palm Desert on Thursday (it's Monday night now).  The weather overall has been pretty good, not at all like a normal July more like early June weather. We've been going to the pool a lot of course which both the kiddos love. This year I. Is old enough to make some friends in the pool to play with which takes some pressure off of me. D. Just loves running and jumping and eating so the dynamics have changed again.  It's been intersting to watch other families with kids at different ages and say to myself, "Oh that's what's coming next?"  As demanding as these young stages are like I told V. Other parents with older or grown up kids probably look at us and think that this is the exhausting stage but some of the sweetest times and memories. We should relish these times before they are gone.

This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands.  A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense.  Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy.  D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home.  When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them.  That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing.  There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that.  It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.

Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive.  The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend.  It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better.   I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.

Day 28 Through 31

Sunday was day 28th and was different from a regular Sunday in that we went and looked at 2 houses with our realtor.  "We" being V., I and the kiddos.  First time he's looked with us.  It felt different in a good way like we were investing in our life together with kids.  Last time we were looking it was just the two of us, though with a bun in the oven almost ready to come out.  However, until you have an actual kid, it's still basically just the two of you.

Monday was swim class for me and the kiddos which we enjoyed and errands in the afternoon in preparation for our trip.  Later on that night, I texted something to my brother and it turns out he was handling a girlfriend crisis so I asked him if he wanted to talk before she got there and we ended up talking for awhile.  After I hung up with him, I went in to do a final check on the kids and D. jumped up for some reason so I took him into my room for a minute because I didn't want to just close the door and leave him.  I ended up crawling in bed with him snuggled up against my bare skin and he relaxed and fell back asleep.  It took me right back to when I would nurse him around 5am, lying in bed skin on skin.  It was just wonderful to inhale the scent of his head and feel the soft curls of his hair against my cheek.  I enjoyed it for about an hour until it was almost midnight and then put him back down in his crib.  I love how he completely relaxes when I hold his cheek to my bare skin.  It's such a special thing.

Tuesday we were supposed to do something with Melissa and Caroline in the morning but they had to cancel so we got a few more things done that we needed to do with a Baskin Robbins scoop of ice cream thrown in to sweeten the deal.  My parents were supposed to be here at 1:45 but showed up at 3:00.  Made for a hectic time and kind of stressful but oh well.  One day closer to vacation.

Wednesday, day 31 - there's a major fire going on right around Palm Desert.  We'll have to check the roads tomorrow to see if we can even take our normal route.  I'm hoping the air quality isn't too bad - I hear conflicting stories so it's hard to know.  All I do know is that I am ready to get away.  The house is going on the market on Monday so not only am I trying to pack everything for our week in Palm Desert, I'm also trying to get this house in tip top shape to get good offers PLUS trying to pre-plan for our New York City trip that happens as soon as we walk in the door from Palm Desert.  My brain is going a mile a minute but hopefully I can catch my breath (and not an ash filled one either) while we're in Palm Desert.  Hoping that everything goes smoothly.

The last 2 days, I've texted my brother to see how he's doing.  No response until this morning and then he texts me that he feels like we have no relationship any more and that we never talk except at family functions and that his girlfriend and her sisters speak much more often if only by text than we do and that it sucks.  Plus some other bummer stuff.  So I text him back that he's always so busy and so I don't call because I don't know his schedule and it's hard with little kids around too.  Why doesn't he let me know when typically is a good time of day to call?  No response all day long.  Typical too because when I have texted him, it takes a few days for him to even response if at all.  Bums me out that he uses his girlfriend as an example of how to have a good relationship with siblings considering her latest.  I may send him a text later on pointing out that it takes two to communicate and that this lack of response has been a common occurrence though I didn't take it personally, I just figured he was really busy.  We'll see.

Summer Challenge

I'd like to challenge myself this summer and post something every day this summer.  What normally trips me up is that I wait for when I have some thoughts about some topic or am struggling with something or realize how good something is and then I want to post about it so I remember it.  Problem being, when things are busy or I'm tired, I don't post about it and then go weeks without capturing anything.

I'd really like to have this summer on record, to capture an overall picture of what we did, how we felt, etc.  Be forewarned though, I have given myself the license to post in short snapshot phrases, a quick picture of the day, the day in a nutshell.  By allowing this, I stand a good chance of getting a glimpse into each day of this summer which is my ultimate goal.

Bday Weekend Break CatchUp

Really enjoying my birthday break in Laguna.  Nice to be able to go through the day relaxed and without any demands.  Basically floating through the day as I please.  Did a lot of reading today and played games/had fun with V.  That right there makes it a good, fun day and different than my usual day which is kind the whole point of getting a break - to do something completely different than normal. 

Even while it was such a great day (as was Friday afternoon), I'm missing my kids.  I miss I., my little turtle, who sometimes tries to act like I annoy her but who saves every single written word/note I give her and tapes them to her headboard.  While I may not experience it demonstrably on a daily basis, I sense from other times, a fierce, deep love in her for me.  One that sometimes she may be overwhelmed by and not sure how to handle and express. 

I miss my baby boy - his exuberance, his zest for everything and his loving, affectionate, playful self.  I miss his curls against my lips when I kiss him and the way he stares deeply in my eyes sometimes when I sing him his bedtime songs while he's lying in my arms.

 The saying of how once you  have kids, your heart walks outside of your body  is so true.  Because even while enjoying myself and V. and the break, at the end of the day there was a painful twinge tugging at my heart saying that something very importantly is missing .  I know what it is, it's very simple - in over 2 days I haven't seen my kids, touched them, talked to them, hugged and kissed them and I deeply miss it. 

Note to self...do not go over one day without talking to the kiddos on the phone.  It would save a lot of heartache.

Our Puerto Rico Trip

Sometimes the best way to communicate is through pictures.  And always the most time efficient way is to communicate through pictures.

 A Puerto Rico sunset.

 A view of the private island from the ferry.

 View from our room.

 Sitting on the beach of the private island.

 Does it get any better than this?!

Room view of the nighttime reception

 Paradise.

 



 Going on 10 years married...

 

 

 Beautiful

 

 

 Fun ATV adventure.

 

 

 

Puerto Rican dinner on our own.  A pitcher of passionfruit sangria and a multi-meat/seafood paella - SCORE!

 

 

Friend we made on the ATV adventure.

El Yunque Rainforest, this time without the crying child.

Not a lot of sleep, lots of adventure and relaxation and too much alcohol.  A good, adult trip.

Kind of Surreal

It's been almost 2 years since I was in my home without children.  Sometimes it feels longer than that but when I concentrate on certain moments it feels like it was last week.  Regardless it feels strange, empty.

The memory that comes up the most today is when V. and I were at the specialized prenatal doctor for our ultrasound and they told us that our baby was a boy.  The surge of excitement, surprise and wonder was unbelievable.  It was in the top days of my life, the others being when I discovered I. was growing inside of me, when I realized D. was growing inside of me and when both our children were born. 

While nursing him this morning for the last time, we enjoyed humor at certain body functions and he gave me love in the form of nestling his cheek against my breast several times.  We relaxed and then chuckled at the body functions that appeared during our feeding.  I caught myself crying but thought it would be better to just enjoy and cherish instead.

Driving to my parents this afternoon  I looked back at D. with his El Torito crown on and was struck by how cute he truly is.  His little smile, his wanting to clap with me, and his love of music makes me happy.  Picking I. up at school, she was so happy, bounding in with excitement, giving love to her brother, I have tasked her with giving comfort to her brother and showing him extra love for his first separation from V. and me.

I picked up some peppermint oil supposedly to help with reducing milk production.  I really want this trip to be one of fun and relaxation for both V. and I but if I'm full of milk, it's not going to happen.  The rest I'll leave up to God.

I am praying for easy, relaxed, fun times for V. and I.  It's been awhile that we've been able to cut loose, especially me and I'm hoping that I will be able to relax and be ready for some fun!

The Download

Back from our trip to Idyllwild, trying to hold onto the magic of the vacation.  It's been awhile, I think before our Puerto Rico trip the summer of 2010, that we've had a really good, stress-free, drama-free vacation.  We made it up 30 minutes before the snow started falling and luckily I had packed enough food for us because we weren't able to leave the house until the day we were due to check out.  Lots of snow gave I. and I much playing time, D. not so much because he was sick with a wicked cold and cough.  V.'s back held up pretty well (an oddity for vacations) and my shoulder problems actually got better during the vacation.  I got to read some magazines and books (not whole books like pre-kids but at least partial ones) and got to play with my kids without the never ending list of things that need to be done like I have when I'm at home.  It was fun to play in the snow in the morning with I., come in and play cards or do a puzzle while D. was still napping and then play a little more after rest time in the afternoon.  V. got cabin fever by the 4th day which is understandable but me being the stay at home parent, I was just enjoying having a balance of me time and enjoying my kids.  Here's some pics:

I'm so thankful that we finally had a great vacation and we made it down in one piece, thanks to V. and I working as a team putting the chains on and with even more difficulty, lying on the street trying to get those darn things off.  It took about a half an hour but with cool heads and persistence, we got them off.

Now looking forward to this Puerto Rico trip...I thought being weaned like I. did was harsh but it's nothing compared to weaning a kid who enjoys his nursing sessions.  We were down to 3 but last Friday we went to Legoland and missed one of those feedings which I thought could kick off losing the second nap time feeding.  Friday was fine but Saturday when it was time for afternoon nap and he realized I wasn't going to nurse him, it was horrible.  He arched his back, thrashed around and when he realized it just wasn't happening, he just cried like his heart was broken.  It killed me (it still kills me to think about it) and we both cried as I put him down in his bed.  Today I took him up earlier so that just he and I could play just the two of us and snuggle together as we read and sang and when I put him down, he seemed more satisfied and happy which was a blessing for both of us.  It's been awhile that D. and I have had time just the two of us to play together.

That said, it's a painful process for both me and D.  I can feel my hormones changing and I'm relishing these nursing sessions since we're in the final days.  I'm still anguishing about prematurely weaning him and I have to admit still wondering if there would be any milk after being gone for 5-6 days.  So much to think about.

Warm Nights

We've been out here in Palm Desert since Monday but just getting around to posting thanks to a really weak Wi-Fi signal. I love being outside at twilight and posting then but my Kindle couldn't get a good enough signal and I forgot that I could post on my phone. It's not ideal but it works.

Sitting out on our patio looking at the golf course, sun setting on my left behind the mountains and to my right is another range of mountains lit up by the sun's reflection.  It's perfectly warm like a bath with a nice cooler breeze that comes up every so often, just enough to rustle through the palm trees. Every night a man with a red Shiba Inu walks by reminding me of my first dog, a red Siberian Husky. I look forward to seeing it each evening.  Some nights V comes out with me to nap or play cards or dominos but the NBA finals were on some nights this week so he wanted to watch some of those.

Typical day has been playing with I in the pool in the morning while D is napping and then bringing him out with us. It's been awesome having a private pool - being able to go in and out frpm the pool is so great with a napping and nursing baby and an always hungry kid.  The house is perfect size unfortunately it will make it difficult to go back home.  V has been playing games with I and enjoying spending time with D.  We've been enjoying early dinners together and just being together. It's sad that it's such a novelty for our family.

The only exasperating part of the vacation is that no matter how much time we spend with I playing or interacting in a fun way, there's a mid afternoon meltdown when there's not time for one more game. Then I hear that I don't play with her when I've spent hours doing so in some fashion. It really hits a hot button with me probably because it sounds like the old "no matter what I do, it's not good enough" which normally can send me over the edge.  This and V's refusal to get in the pool and play with our kids.  Yes it aggravates me but he's been playing with both of them in the house so much,  I chalk it up to one of our division of labors.

All in all a really good vacation and still two more days here to go.

Easter Vacation

It's been busy busy busy the last few weeks.  We celebrated my birthday last week with a dinner out with V. after an afternoon massage that felt oh so good since my neck and back have been killing me the past few weeks.  It wasn't a weekend in Laguna Beach but it was still a good birthday.  I'm hoping for plenty of future birthday weekends in Laguna but this year, I have to admit I was okay with foregoing it since the reason why was my nursing baby boy.  Tradeoffs aren't always bad.

This week is I.'s Easter vacation week and I have to say after last week, I was kind of holding my breath.  Last week was a buildup to Friday which included her class Easter party, birthday cupcake, and Mommy being at the party.  It resulted in a sobbing fit in the middle of the party thanks to low blood sugar, excitement, tiredness, excess stimulation and a soft place in sight (me).  The amazing thing is that I predicted it about 15 minutes beforehand to another mother and like she said to me, "You know your kid."  Yes, I do but it doesn't mean the problem can be averted because the factors are out of my control, both externally in her environment and internally within her.  But we got through it in the bathroom, me with D. hanging on me in the sling and her burying her face in my leg, but she was able to make it through and enjoy the 2nd half of her party.  It makes me shudder to think of I. and puberty.

On vacation days she's a different kid.  Even different than on weekends when having V. home throws a different dynamic and emotion into it.  On vacations I. is cheerful, carefree, positive, relaxed, flexible.  She is not defiant, negative, argumentative.  She shows affection freely and often.  I swear she is her father keeping her emotions locked up tight when she is focused on school but because she is only 6, the control slips by the time she gets home and I wind up with a handful of grump.

The first two days of vacation have been great - we've been baking, playing, and getting work done cheerfully around the house.  She is a different child, an easier child and not surprisingly I am not out of patience by the end of the day nor am I completely and totally exhausted by the time the kids are in bed.  I'm even able to write a post about it.  I am enjoying our week together, the slower pace, and her company and it makes me look forward to summer right around the corner.

Good Family Time

Playing catch-up here...lots of stuff, lots of good stuff.

On Christmas Eve, it was comforting to have all the kids under one roof. Christmas morning was a little rushed, trying to get their presents opened before V. and the girls had to leave at 8:45am to get them home but it was okay. The rest of the day was spent at my parents' house and it was nice and drama-free. There was some stress surrounding the dinner but aside from that, it was good.

I. stayed at my parents Sunday night thru Wednesday afternoon so it was just V, D, and I on Monday and then just D. and I Tuesday and Wednesday. That (just D. and I) was a first since at Thanksgiving when I. stayed at my parents', V. was home for those days. It gave me a chance to just be on his schedule for a change and it made for simple days which was a real treat. When he was awake, I could just lounge with him, play with him, be silly with him and do some errands just he and I. It was really nice to be able to give him that time instead of feeling as though I was just alternately loading him into the car and crib all day long.

The day after I. got home, we headed for Idyllwild. For the first time, we did not have to worry about snow, ice, or sleet which was kind of bizarre but really very nice. I. was a little disappointed that there wasn't snow to play in but we really had a good time up there. I was telling V. that I think that this year was our best Idyllwild trip ever, including when it was just he and I. When it was just the two of us, it was a completely different trip. Though fun, we tended to return from it more tired than when we went up due to our "work hard, play hard" mentality. Then with just I. when she was little, we had to take turns entertaining her and it sometimes didn't feel like that much of a vacation.

This year though was different for a few different reasons. One, I. is now old enough that the games that entertain her are entertaining for adults (ie. card, video and board games plus hard puzzles) so it was fun to play with her for long periods of time. Two, with I. in school now, we don't have a lot of time to just play. That was one thing so nice about her Christmas vacation...the time we had to just hang out, cook, talk, take walks, and play together. When she was home all day, every day, playing with her in Idyllwild didn't feel as special as it did this year. Third, with two kids, V. and I had to work as a team and take turns and it worked out well. V. would play with D. giving me time to be with I. one on one and then V. also would get time to play with I. when D. was taking a nap or if I took a walk with him to extend a nap. In the evening, V. and I would get to relax, reading (me) and watching tv together. I know that doesn't sound that exciting but it was nice to just be able to hang out together and because V. had gotten some rest, he didn't fall asleep until it was actually time for bed.

One pro and con was that D. was in a separate bedroom instead of being in a closet. Yes, that's right, D. sleeps in our walk-in closet. Until he sleeps thru the night on a regular basis, he cannot go into I.'s room so the only semi-private option is the closet. Because he was in a separate room, I had to rely on the monitor which broadcast every fart, snort, and snuffle directly in my ear until I figured out where to put the doggone thing. Still it led to many nighttime wakings. On the pro side, I was able to read a book in bed until I was sleepy which I haven't been able to do since the night of August 4th.

Now it's back to the school day grind. No more going back to sleep at 6:30 til 7:30 after feeding D. to get that extra hour. And it sounds like after tomorrow, I won't see V. until Saturday morning. A hard reentry but I'm thankful for a really nice family vacation.

Ingredient for a Good Day (Monday)

The ingredients of a good day. Time to play and hang out one on one with I. Extra playtime with D. Time to continue making a dent in the never-ending laundry. A much needed Costco run. Very little crying From either child. Decent naps for D. Lots of love and smiles from both kids. Both kids asleep by 5:15. Hubby walks into a cozy house that smells of roast chicken complete with newly showered wife.

Sounds like a dream but I actually pulled it off today. First day of Thanksgiving vacation = success! Trust me, it was a fluke. But it sure did feel good.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Part 2: Now the Fun Can Begin

So after my soberer on the side of the tub, I had to suck it up and get I. To bed. As soon as I was done with that, I launched into my frustration with every vacation over the past year and a half being like an exercise of futility and furthermore, I hated this room. Yes, it was a mini nervous breakdown and not the way I envisioned starting our vacation but sometimes, you just have to let disappointment out. I asked V. If he would see if we could change condos, part of me not expecting him to. The reason why I didn't expect him to was that we had just unloaded the entire car up 2 flights of stairs in 100 degree heat and changing condos would mean that we would have to carry everything back down, repack the car, and then unpack and carry everything back up again in this heat. Even I wasn't sure if it was really worth all that.

But as soon as I got in the shower, he called and arranged for us to move condos the next day so that I could have the vacation experience that I and been looking forward to so much. All this for only an extra $100. When he told me it was taken care of, I got all teary eyed and gave him a big hug foe his generosity and kindness. He said if I didn't stop tearing up, he would call them and tell them to cancel it. Have I mentioned how uncomfortable V. Is with emotion? He is a caveman with a soft heart when it comes to me.

Anyways, here I sit on my patio with a golf course view, thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet and being surrounded by nature. I have to admit that I do miss my adult beverage because that has always been a part of this evening patio experience. But feeling the warm breeze on my skin as the grass falls into the shadows and the tops of the palm trees become illuminated by the setting sun, it's soothing to my soul. I can't believe that tomorrow night is already our last night here. It just has gone way to fast. I've been enjoying and savoring the time I've gotten to spend with I. This week and have been busy trying to make memories of this last summer of being the only kid. We've played in the pool together, played video games, colored, and taken baths together in the huge jacuzzi tub. Very special moments to remember and ones that I will make a concerted effort to carve out for us even when this baby boy enters the scene. Today I could see that I. Was enjoying these special moments because she wanted to snuggle with me and a couple of times at the pool, she not only told me I looked beautiful but threw her arms around me and said wi a big hug, "You're the best and sweetest mommy!". How does it get any better than that?

I have to admit that the end of this vacation triggers anxiety in me because I knew when it was over, we would really be on the cusp of this new baby coming. It really scares me to be honest. The extra responsibility, the extra time and energy commitment, the inevitable changes it will bring into our happy little life. I know when I meet this little guy and see the interaction between I. And him, it will be wonderful but it still doesn't keep the anxiety from coming. It's probably just a function of how slowly I adapt to change. At least I hope so.

Off to a Rough Start

Anyone who knows me, knows that the past 1-2 years has been rough when it came to having a truly enjoyable, relaxing vacation. It just seemed like despite all the best laid plans and hope, the trip would in some way involve stress and disappointment. This vacation did not get off to an auspicious start.

Last year in lieu of our traditional week in Palm Desert, we went to Puerto Rico which goes down in my mind as our worst vacation to date. So I've been waiting 2 years to get back to the desert, a place where I have good memories of relaxation and unstructured fun. We got a couple of phone calls from the resort over the past few weeks, asking for checking preferences, condo location preferences, so I had high hopes.

They offered checkin at the gate rather than getting out of the car and I thought "cool!" plus they were letting us chicken early which is always good considering I.'s early bedtime. So I pulled up to the gate - no checkin packet is there for us so off we go to get out of e car and checkin. Uhoh. Then the condo is not ready and since we have $200 worth of groceries in the car and it's 99 degrees, I ask what else they have on a top floor that is ready. Sure they say and off we go. We grab a load of stuff and then discover that the room numbers they gavels are not valid for the building number we are supposedly in. Thank God for cell phones - I call up to the front desk again and get the "real" room numbers which do not remotely resemble the actual room numbers. Huh?

We finally get everything in the units after many trips upstairs in this heat and I get I. Into the bath. I haven't gotten a chance to look outside yet so I go to the window expecting the normal, serene golf course view that I have relished for e past 6 years. I mean, this view is the highlight of the early evening hours for me. I ggo outside with a couple of books, an adult beverage (obviously not this year), and I just relax in the warmth and read. This is my idea of a vacation.

Except when I look outside this year, I see a bunch of people sitting around a pool and an asphalt parking lot. WTF?! I won't repeat what came out of my mouth and kept coming out of my mouth for several minutes. Let's just say it was a good thing that I. Was in the bath. Then I went into the other bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub, and sobbed. Like I said, not an auspicious start.

Part 2 "the redemption" to come...

Last Day of Preschool

Today is my baby girl's last day of preschool...ever. Last year was tempered by the fact that she was going to preschool one more year. But this year, this is it. Thank God her kindergarten is only for 4 hours instead of the normal 6+ or I'd be in tears already. Still, school from this point on until college will be an every day event and the time of having full days to ourselves during the week will be gone. Hopefully I can hold it together this afternoon when all us mommas pile in to class 15 minutes early for the end of the year send-off.

On Monday we took a school friend of I.'s and her mom to Legoland with us using some free passes we had. I. had a good time hanging out with her friend and it definitely helped with some of the long lines we encountered. The mom is actually one of the few people I've met in the last year or two that I feel comfortable with and believe it or not, we talked the whole time about a bunch of different stuff. I know, I was amazed at that myself when I thought back on the day. By the time I got I. in bed, I wasn't feeling all that great - it was physically a long day and I definitely felt the toll of it. But it was worth it and I'm glad we got to go before summer vacation started.

This week is full of prep work for our vacation next week in Palm Desert. I'm excited to be going and hoping that it will be a nice, relaxing family hibernation time and that V. will get enough rest to help with I. when her sisters aren't there. The last couple of weekends, he really has been spending some good time with her one on one and I'm hoping that it will continue through next week. I don't know if this improvement is due to the warning I gave him a few weeks ago about the fact that on the weekends once the baby comes, he's going to have to step up on the help front. It's going to be difficult enough for the weekdays to be 2 on 1 for me; if the weekends start feeling that way, there's going to be serious problems. That's why I issued the warning ahead of time. The girls will be coming out for the last 3-4 days of the vacation (I think). I had to make sure I told V. so that he can warn the girls that I will NOT be sleeping on the pull-out couch in the living room this year. I need a bed, a real bed to sleep in this year so they will not be able to hibernate in the king size bed(room) until 9:30/10 every morning. They may have to get up at the unearthly time of 8am. I just want to make sure everyone is on the same page before we get out there.

Reading this over with all these warnings being issued, I kind of sound bitchy. Really though it's a function of being at a point where I need some of that leeway and special treatment afforded to others. I don't really get it offered to me so I have to assertively take it myself.

Going to "talk" (more like listen) to my mom today. We'll see if anything is said about Father's Day plans/the letter I wrote.

Trip Tribulations

Here's my theory - if I get the angst(s) of our trip out of the way in this post then the next post about our trip can be about the fun. I think it'll work. Plus, I really don't feel well enough to write about the fun we had and when I do write about it, I want to truly feel it. Okay?

As you can tell by now, I'm still waiting for that vacation/trip where at least 70% of the trip is positive and good and the other 30% is the stuff that happens when you have kids with you and you're not in your normal "routine" of things. See? I'm not greedy when it comes to my expectations. I'm not asking for a 90% perfect trip - just one where the good solidly outweighes the bad. Really, is it too much to ask? I guess lately it has been.

So here's what happened. The night before the trip, one day after I got my weekly chiropractor adjustment, my lower back went out badly. Add lugging heavy suitcases, plane rides, stress, and lots and lots of walking up the hills of San Francisco, and saggy couches and it became a perfect storm. Now I've had back pain since I was 14 and the worst of it is sciata pain that shoots down your leg and makes it almost impossible to walk. This pain didn't shoot down my leg (so that was good) but instead it had the same level, if not a little worse, shooting across my lower back directly out of my tailbone. It became so bad that I was mentally making contingency plans on the fly. For instance, as we were walking up the hills of Chinatown: "What would I do if my back went completely out right here?" and then I would figure out where I would stop, who I would call, etc. That lasted the entire duration of the trip though it simmered down a little the last 2 days of our trip. Just in time for.....

A horrible bout with the stomach flu. Oh My Gosh. I went to bed on Saturday night at 9pm because I was exhausted. We did alot of walking every day in the pouring rain and with a wind chill around 32 degrees so it was completely understandable that I was really tired. Oh, did I forget to mention (since I seemed to forget it myself last week) that I'm also pregnant. Hmm, maybe that made me a little tired too. Anyways, I went to bed at 9pm. and woke up at 11:30 with really bad stomach pains. I was up and down for the rest of the night alternating evacuations between orifices. I thought maybe it was food poisoning but I was sick all day Sunday and Monday too so it had to be the stomach flu. I was so weak and nauseous. The additional rub was that V. was too tired on Saturday to do anything so Sunday was our only day to do something in San Francisco as a family and it also was the only day that it wasn't pouring rain.

I decided it was going to have to be that time as an adult and a mother when you just have to suck it up and that's what I did. We went to Fisherman's Wharf, got some lunch, went to the Aquarium, and took an hour long boat cruise. It truly was mind over matter with my strategy being that as long as I didn't put anything into my stomach and concentrated on the cold air in my face, I may have a fighting chance at staying upright and not throwing up. It worked but came with the price afterwards of collapsing in bed when we got home and the next day's travelling home via taxi, subway, airplane, and car almost pushed things over the edge. Even today (Wednesday), my stomach is not keen on food but it's able to tolerate liquids which helps lessen my worries for the baby. I've been so dehydrated the last 4 days that the Braxton-Hicks contractions started up and that is never a good sign at this point. So I'm on the road to recovery but it's a slow one and it's hard to run around doing what needs to be done (grocery shopping, taking I. to school, etc.) when my energy is so low.

So the next post when I get the energy will be full of the good details and some of the pictures, though I didn't take all that many on account if the buckets of rain that were falling on our heads 4 out of the 5 days.

Valentine's Day Survival

The survival of Valentine's Day. It was a day of angst for so long that it's hard to not feel that way about it still to this day. I felt myself getting irritated when several people asked I. or I what we were doing for Valentine's Day. Uh, I don't know, waking up and living?! I wasn't sure what the right answer was so I just shrugged and said "Hanging out." as though that wasn't something out of the ordinary. Not that I don't appreciate hanging out with I., 'cause I do but it's not like a special Valentine's Day event or anything.

I. and I snuck our cards into V.'s suitcase on Sunday before he left so he'd have them for the actual day. There was a "miscommunication" of sorts. Actually it was less of a miscommunication than just a little bit of wishful thinking and a whole lot of not listening on V.'s part. No, it didn't turn into a huge, pouting deal like it would have been 15 years ago or even 5 years ago but still, ya know it was Valentine's Day. I specifically told V. he was off the hook for flowers this year since we are leaving tomorrow for San Fran but that he was still on the hook for a card at least. That's where the selective hearing came in and what he heard was "You're off the hook for Valentine's Day this year." So there was no card from him AND he didn't take I. to get a card or have her make me a card either. So this baby mama got nada. This all came to light at the end of last night's phone call when I asked, "Did you find our cards?" and he said, "Yes, I thought we weren't getting cards for each other." That's when I clarified exactly what I said since he didn't bother listening to the entire 8 word sentence. So he was sputtering that he figure out something and I felt like saying, "Dude, the day is OVER." but I just let him sputter because I felt like he at the very least deserved that. It also didn't help that I went to the grocery store to get myself something special for dinner (i.e. an artichoke) and as I stood there in the long lines (why did I go to the grocery store on Valentine's Day!), I was surrounded by men with floweres, balloons, cards, steaks and lobster tails trying to make sure they were sufficiently covered for the day.

Next topic is packing for San Fran which must take place today. I.'s shouldn't be bad at all. It's mine that is going to be filled with angst I think. Why? Because my midsection is changing daily, actually hourly. Pants that "fit" yesterday may fit this morning and they might not. Pants that fit on Wednesday may not fit by our last day, Monday. On top of that, I have a very limited selection, I mean, very limited. It's going to be raining up there and cold for at least the first three days so it would be nice to be able to choose among pants that will give me the most protection from the rain. At this point, it's looking like I'll be lucky to even have a pair of pants in the suitcase let alone on my body. It's just that awkward time of too big for normal pants (for the most part) and too small for maternity pants. So this will make for a fun time packing.

Packing aside, I'm excited for our adventure beginning tomorrow morning. The apartment in Nob Hill is lined up and tonight I'm going to finish researching public transportation to the places we want to see. Then it's just a matter of enjoying ourselves. I am confident that we can do that.