Last Days of Summer

The last four days of summer were good, full of fun but went by far too quickly.

Day 74...we went to Meet the Teacher day first thing in the morning so we would have the rest of our day.  I. already knows her teacher and likes her and having only 12 children in the class, all of whom she knows from first grade, makes me happy.  Especially since those two girls are no longer in the class and won't cause drama.  I., D., and I went down to the pool for a while and ate lunch down there too.  It was so warm that the cool water felt great and D. had a blast jumping off the stairs over and over again.  Thanks to the swim lessons this summer, I. is swimming like a fish now and I no longer have to worry about her looking like she's on the verge of drowning.

Day 75 was Saturday and I. went to a school friend's birthday pool party and had a good time.  We finished off the day with our normal linner.

Day 76 we went to the park specifically so that V. could help get I. riding without training wheels.  Too bad it was so stinking warm but they persisted and right before I was wondering whether it was actually going to happen, she took off across the grass and even made a turn!  I was so proud and she was really excited.  I'm glad I insisted that V. participate as part of his father role.  It's a day she'll always remember and that makes me happy.

Day 77 was Labor Day and we all went down to our pool for a couple of hours for lunch and swimming.  For dinner, we went to a barbecue restaurant because you have to have barbecue for the last day of summer vacation and we don't have a barbecue.  Kept thinking the house would sell quickly and it would be one less thing to move so we never bought one.  Still keeping the hope alive but some days it's hard.

This was one of our best summers - full of fun activities, new experiences, and good memories.  It made it hard for me to have I. go back to school because we did have so much fun but I'd much rather that than feeling relieved that she's gone back.  It makes daily weekday life simpler but I miss her, I really do.

Days 32-36

We successfully made it out to Palm Desert on Thursday (it's Monday night now).  The weather overall has been pretty good, not at all like a normal July more like early June weather. We've been going to the pool a lot of course which both the kiddos love. This year I. Is old enough to make some friends in the pool to play with which takes some pressure off of me. D. Just loves running and jumping and eating so the dynamics have changed again.  It's been intersting to watch other families with kids at different ages and say to myself, "Oh that's what's coming next?"  As demanding as these young stages are like I told V. Other parents with older or grown up kids probably look at us and think that this is the exhausting stage but some of the sweetest times and memories. We should relish these times before they are gone.

This vacation has been full of play time with the kids with limited work and no errands.  A true vacation for me and V. Has gotten to truly be a father in the real sense.  Today he and I. Went to luch and a movie all day today to give her some special time with Daddy.  D. And I went to the pool for a while, then had resty, headed tot he marketplace on site n a bus which was a huge excitement fornD. And then played on the bathtub together before I. And V. Got home.  When we first got in the bath, D. Was looking at my boobs, then he pointed at them and opened his mouth and leaned toward me. He remembered nursing from them.  That made me happy because although it's been 5 months he obviously remembers nursing.  There was no sadness or wanting on his part; it was just an acknowledgement that we used to do that.  It makes me understand why he still loves to snuggle against my bare skin and the soothing effect it haves on him.

Our house went on the market today. I had bad dreams all night because my mind was in overdrive.  The realtor thinks she will have offers by next weekend.  It makes me so sad tot hunk of leaving the place I brought both my babies home to from the hospital. But on the other hand I picture them running in the backyard playing and us planting flowers and a garden and that makes me feel better.   I want to write down all the memories I have of both the kiddos of the early days in tips house so I can always have them with me.

Family Weekend

Three days all together as a family...I don't think we've had that since our Idyllwild vacation in December.  So this long weekend was a big deal.  However, going into this weekend I was struggling with anger towards my sister (big surprise) which was causing major emotional down-ness.  Of course I tried to solve it initially with going over all the good stuff in my life, things I was looking forward to, etc. which my mind understood but my heart just couldn't get behind.  But with a little help from my friends (cue the song), being able to wake up without an alarm clock and getting some extra sleep, I recovered and was able to enjoy the weekend.  It probably helped a little that I sent an email to my sister on Saturday night and was able to get all of that out of my head.

We ate our traditional Saturday afternoon linner at a new Mexican place in Del Mar which was a nice, fun change.  It led to lots of laughter and crazy behavior even from V.  Sunday afternoon we took the kiddos to the park and V. got to see D. running up and down the hill that he loves so much and going down the slide by himself for the first time.  It was cool that V. got to see one of his firsts since he has missed so many.  On Monday, we went to an indoor bounce playground.  D. had a rough start and was throwing himself around on the ground with tantrums but finally, he pulled it together and had a good time.  I. had a good time too and got some good exercise in the process too.

It was good to see V. watch the kids and experience all their energy and lately all of D.'s outbursts.  I think he got an inkling as to why I've been pretty wiped out mentally and emotionally the last month.  Getting a chance to step back also gave me an opportunity to see someone else (V.) struggling to handle the same things I handle on a daily basis yet on by myself and give myself some slack. 

Started out on a rough note but ended up on a good one.

Good Family Time

Playing catch-up here...lots of stuff, lots of good stuff.

On Christmas Eve, it was comforting to have all the kids under one roof. Christmas morning was a little rushed, trying to get their presents opened before V. and the girls had to leave at 8:45am to get them home but it was okay. The rest of the day was spent at my parents' house and it was nice and drama-free. There was some stress surrounding the dinner but aside from that, it was good.

I. stayed at my parents Sunday night thru Wednesday afternoon so it was just V, D, and I on Monday and then just D. and I Tuesday and Wednesday. That (just D. and I) was a first since at Thanksgiving when I. stayed at my parents', V. was home for those days. It gave me a chance to just be on his schedule for a change and it made for simple days which was a real treat. When he was awake, I could just lounge with him, play with him, be silly with him and do some errands just he and I. It was really nice to be able to give him that time instead of feeling as though I was just alternately loading him into the car and crib all day long.

The day after I. got home, we headed for Idyllwild. For the first time, we did not have to worry about snow, ice, or sleet which was kind of bizarre but really very nice. I. was a little disappointed that there wasn't snow to play in but we really had a good time up there. I was telling V. that I think that this year was our best Idyllwild trip ever, including when it was just he and I. When it was just the two of us, it was a completely different trip. Though fun, we tended to return from it more tired than when we went up due to our "work hard, play hard" mentality. Then with just I. when she was little, we had to take turns entertaining her and it sometimes didn't feel like that much of a vacation.

This year though was different for a few different reasons. One, I. is now old enough that the games that entertain her are entertaining for adults (ie. card, video and board games plus hard puzzles) so it was fun to play with her for long periods of time. Two, with I. in school now, we don't have a lot of time to just play. That was one thing so nice about her Christmas vacation...the time we had to just hang out, cook, talk, take walks, and play together. When she was home all day, every day, playing with her in Idyllwild didn't feel as special as it did this year. Third, with two kids, V. and I had to work as a team and take turns and it worked out well. V. would play with D. giving me time to be with I. one on one and then V. also would get time to play with I. when D. was taking a nap or if I took a walk with him to extend a nap. In the evening, V. and I would get to relax, reading (me) and watching tv together. I know that doesn't sound that exciting but it was nice to just be able to hang out together and because V. had gotten some rest, he didn't fall asleep until it was actually time for bed.

One pro and con was that D. was in a separate bedroom instead of being in a closet. Yes, that's right, D. sleeps in our walk-in closet. Until he sleeps thru the night on a regular basis, he cannot go into I.'s room so the only semi-private option is the closet. Because he was in a separate room, I had to rely on the monitor which broadcast every fart, snort, and snuffle directly in my ear until I figured out where to put the doggone thing. Still it led to many nighttime wakings. On the pro side, I was able to read a book in bed until I was sleepy which I haven't been able to do since the night of August 4th.

Now it's back to the school day grind. No more going back to sleep at 6:30 til 7:30 after feeding D. to get that extra hour. And it sounds like after tomorrow, I won't see V. until Saturday morning. A hard reentry but I'm thankful for a really nice family vacation.

One Day At A Time

My day at the spa was wonderful. I quietly hung out by myself, reading and relaxing, as I rested my feet in the whirlpool and hung out in the dimmed relaxation room awaiting my massage appointment. The massage felt really good but I have to admit that I am looking forward to a complete massage, not one that avoids all the feel good places that could trigger contractions. I hung out there for about 4 hours and drove home in the late afternoon when usually I'm putting Isabella in the bath and bed. The hubby and I also scored on 2 date dinners which is unheard of and provided a nice hang out time for us.

I also happily got belly pictures taken with I. this week so that I can remember this basketball belly and how I. and I shared this exciting time together. I haven't seen the pictures but I am hopeful that many of them turned out well. I seem to take good pictures with I. Must be the love shining through...

Yesterday we took I. to the circus and had a great time. The looks on her face were priceless and I found myself surreptiously watching her face instead of the circus. I really enjoyed every moment of it. And to cap it off, as soon as it ended, I. gave me and V. two big hugs of thanks which really warmed my heart. It's always a balance of giving your kid a lot without giving too much and lowering their appreciation quotient.

Sleep is proving more difficult as the days go by. My hips are hurting for lying on my sides all night and I've been waking up from weird, chaotic dreams thanks to burning pains in my rib cage thanks to the little guy exerting constant pressure on it. He moves all the time just like he always have but I can tell the movement is more limited so he is definitely still growing and running into space issues. Aren't we all running into space issues? I'm having a difficult time getting my head around the fact that he may be here in as soon as 2 weeks, maybe 3. It's hard for me to picture for some reason. A big part of me is a little melancholy that he will no longer be inside me. For all the uncomfortable moments, it truly is a miracle when he and I are able to interact during this time and since it will be the last time, and I know that (or it had better be the last time!), I'm starting to become wistful about it. I wish this wasn't part of my temperament but it just is and I will just have to roll with it and concentrate on enjoying all of this last month's experiences fully.

Productive Day

I think yesterday was one of the most productive "home day" we've ever had. V. had a list of 3 things to get done and successfully completed them which is a miracle in and of itself. He is so unused to doing projects of any sort around the house because he's always been a renter/apartment dweller. I got a whole bunch of stuff done too as well and finally feel like the house is at a point where the baby could come and we'd be in good shape. Whew!

Now after hibernating together for 3 days, it's back to reality. You know, grocery store, laundry, etc. Including I.'s complaining and attitude. I know I can't be the only person to have a 5 year old who thinks that every day should be all about fun and gets pissy when things need to get done in between some fun. It's still aggravating to me. Hopefully this morning's complaints will taper off and the rest of the day goes more smoothly.

Close To Normal

Yesterday I think we came as close to a "normal" family as we're going to get. It felt so good! In the morning we went to the gym to do a quick workout which allowed V. and I to talk by ourselves here and there. Afterwards, we drove out to La Jolla to pick up the suit I got V. for Father's Day and then decided to stop off at Iowa Meat Farms to see the meat that everyone talks about. This kind of trip is reminiscent of before V and I were married. On Sundays, we would venture out to remote areas of San Diego to educate him about this new city he was moving to. So yesterday's trip was kind of like that. We bought some yummy meat for bbq'ing in the afternoon and headed home.

Then we worked together to put together our early bbq dinner and sat down to eat together (indoors because it was a little too toasty outside). While this may not sound like a big deal, it is in our house because of V.'s schedule and I.'s early bedtime hour. The only dinner we usually eat together is our Saturday "linner" out. So to sit down at our dining room table and share a dinner at home is a special occasion.

In the evening, because V. and I had spent 2 whole days together, we started our usual "getting on the same wavelength" that happens when we spend time together. You know, like we'll say the same exact thing at the same time or he'll go to say something and I know word for word what he's going to say. He acts all freaked out about it but I know deep down, he feels as comforted and happy about it as I do. When you spend as much time apart as we have/do but still see evidence of that same-mindedness that brought us together and keeps us together relatively conflict-free, it gives a peace of mind and spirit that everything will be okay.

Holiday Weekend Kickoff

I didn't have time to post in the morning as we were rushing around trying to get I. to her morning summer camp at her preschool Monday thru Thursday and then early gymnastics' class on Friday. We are going to have to get a whole lot better at this once kindergarten starts especially because we'll have to be leaving the house 30 minutes earlier and there will be 2 rugrats to deal with. Of course, depending on the new little guy's eating schedule, I may be up at 5:30 in the morning and will have no problem getting us out of the house early. So I won't dedicate much thought to it.

It was a good week, albeit a somewhat busy week. I did get a little quiet time some mornings while I. was at camp. I got my hair cut which is always a good thing and I got quite a few errands done as well. I may have overdone it the last 2 days though. On Thursday, I fit in 4 different errands (one was 25 minutes away) between 9:15 and 11:45, picked I. up from camp, met my parents for lunch before our last ultrasound appointment. It may not sound like too much (I didn't think so either) but by 4pm, I wasn't feeling very well, just so tired. It didn't help that for some reason, I. has been falling asleep about 1.5 hours later so her behavior was bordering on pissy and defiant. Yesterday, we went to gymnastics class in the morning and then off to the fair for the rest of the day, just I. and I. It was a nice time but it got really warm and by the end of our day, I again was not feeling very well. Heavy belly, tired, overheated - you get the picture. But it was fun to watch I. on one of the scary roller coaster ride; she was by far the smallest, was riding by herself, and purposely picked the very last car since it's the scariest one. She had a combined look of terror and pure joy as that thing whipped around. I was so proud of her daringness (is that a word?) and I laughed as she shrieked at the top of her lungs.

I was also proud of her as I watched her in gymnastics. The class I registered for got cancelled so the one that they put her in is actually 2-3 class levels above what she was in before. Not only is it 1.5 hours long instead of 40 minutes, it's so much more difficult than her other class. The other 3 girls have obviously been at this level for at least a couple of classes so I. is well behind. Yesterday was her 2nd class and she was shocking the teacher by how well she was doing. She's going to be one of those kids that does better when she is really challenged rather than get discouraged and give up. That inner fortitude and resilience is what I love about her. It's also what makes raising her on a daily basis so challenging.

I'm hoping for a family-building, productive weekend. We're not going over to my parents' house so that my sister can celebrate 4th of July with them since next weekend will be my brother's birthday and she won't be there for that. I think this is the first 4th of July I've spent at home. Isn't that weird? So off I go to kick off this holiday weekend...

Father's Day Update

I know tomorrow morning is going to be crazy so I thought I'd give a quick update tonight. It was a drama free Father's Day at my parents' house. Whew. My parents actually relaxed and enjoyed themselves, their kids (the two of us there) and their grandchild without worrying. My brother bbq'd the meal and I helped take care of the rest. Wow, is this what a normal family is like? I don't even know but I suspect it is.

Still nothing was said to me. Isn't that weird? So I brought it up with my brother while my parents weren't around because he knew I wrote it and he gave me the scoop. They took my sister to the fair yesterday to "celebrate" Father's Day with her and then she asked about today. They told her that because of the way she acts at events, I wrote a letter saying what I said so she couldn't come. I guess she flipped out and ranted and raved about it.

The bottom line is this and I told my brother this. I have no desire to make her feel bad or kick her out of the family. I only want her to act like a decent human being who doesn't treat everyone like trash and ruin all family memories. I didn't even think she would care and she probably doesn't care for the right reasons. But if this makes her look at herself and how she acts and she can change her behavior, then this will be worth it. Because I do feel bad - not guilty because I've done nothing wrong in this situation but bad because she was upset and sat at home knowing the rest of the family was together. I'm not an ogre but at this point in my life, I don't mind being the bad guy either if it benefits the majority of my family. It's a thing called consequences, a lesson that my parents never let my brother or sister learn and that they drilled into my brain incessantly when I was a kid. It's not a bad lesson to learn early on in life but in my sister's case, maybe it will be a case of better late than never. We'll see.

Off to a Rough Start

Anyone who knows me, knows that the past 1-2 years has been rough when it came to having a truly enjoyable, relaxing vacation. It just seemed like despite all the best laid plans and hope, the trip would in some way involve stress and disappointment. This vacation did not get off to an auspicious start.

Last year in lieu of our traditional week in Palm Desert, we went to Puerto Rico which goes down in my mind as our worst vacation to date. So I've been waiting 2 years to get back to the desert, a place where I have good memories of relaxation and unstructured fun. We got a couple of phone calls from the resort over the past few weeks, asking for checking preferences, condo location preferences, so I had high hopes.

They offered checkin at the gate rather than getting out of the car and I thought "cool!" plus they were letting us chicken early which is always good considering I.'s early bedtime. So I pulled up to the gate - no checkin packet is there for us so off we go to get out of e car and checkin. Uhoh. Then the condo is not ready and since we have $200 worth of groceries in the car and it's 99 degrees, I ask what else they have on a top floor that is ready. Sure they say and off we go. We grab a load of stuff and then discover that the room numbers they gavels are not valid for the building number we are supposedly in. Thank God for cell phones - I call up to the front desk again and get the "real" room numbers which do not remotely resemble the actual room numbers. Huh?

We finally get everything in the units after many trips upstairs in this heat and I get I. Into the bath. I haven't gotten a chance to look outside yet so I go to the window expecting the normal, serene golf course view that I have relished for e past 6 years. I mean, this view is the highlight of the early evening hours for me. I ggo outside with a couple of books, an adult beverage (obviously not this year), and I just relax in the warmth and read. This is my idea of a vacation.

Except when I look outside this year, I see a bunch of people sitting around a pool and an asphalt parking lot. WTF?! I won't repeat what came out of my mouth and kept coming out of my mouth for several minutes. Let's just say it was a good thing that I. Was in the bath. Then I went into the other bathroom, sat on the edge of the tub, and sobbed. Like I said, not an auspicious start.

Part 2 "the redemption" to come...

Easter Survival

Easter turned out better than I expected which was a relief. This is exactly why I like to have low expectations and get pleasantly surprised than positive, pie in the sky, perfect expectations like my parents think I should have and wind up depressed and let down. There in lies the difference between us. I prefer my way.

I went in with no real strategy but one seemed to evolve while I was there. Basically the strategy is this: I limit speaking directly to my sister nor do I make any real eye contact with her. This seems to accomplish two things. First, she seemed to get the message to leave me alone and not try to engage me in conversations that cause me to have to bite my tongue (ie. how busy she's been going to the gym every day for 4 hours). And secondly, it allows me to stay busy and purposely focused on task of helping my mom make and serve the meal. It helped that my brother brought a guy friend of his with him that my sister apparently has a crush on so she was on her best "I'm kinda normal behavior. So we weren't subjected to her out of control, loud, obnoxious, rude behavior. That in itself is proof to me that how she acts isn't because she's mentally ill or that her brain is burned out on all the meth. Yes, I know some of that is true. But if it was the predominant cause, she wouldn't be able to turn her self-control and selfish behavior off and on like a toggle switch, which she can because I've seen it. It's a conscious choice just like the rest of us make daily, sometimes minute by minute.

Between the mental focus and being on my feet most of the day, I still came home from the afternoon exhausted though pleased that it went well and everyone had a good time without drama.

Not Perfect But Okay

Just a quick post before we're off to do an observation at a very expensive school that I suspect would be the perfect one for I. Why does it always happen that way? But I digress... Dr. Laura had a video post from a mom who was lamenting how hard it was to be a stay at home mom when her husband had to work out of town 3 days a week. I thought to myself, "Three days a week? Wow, that would be a cake walk." Because it would be a vast improvement over what our last 6 years of family/work life have been. But the point actually wasn't a "my situation is worse than your situation" though it was tempting not to go there, just out of pure jealousy. The point was one that Dr. Laura made. That it's not just good enough to survive through it, though God knows there are moments where you do just that, but it's okay to say, "It's not perfect but it's how it is right now." Accept it and move on making the best of what the situation is. Things could be so much worse and I know that. I experience the "worser" situations in my realistic dreams and wake up thankful that it was only a dream. I see the "worser" situation in my parents' life with my dad unemployed and way too many high expenses. There are many other "worser" situations out there. My family/work situation may not be perfect but it's okay and hopefully one day it will get better. Hopefully before V. retires.

Dog Sitting Expedition

Well, I didn't get another phone call from my parents so I am assuming that they are heading out this morning for their Vegas trip. Now let's just hope they don't get lost. Don't laugh - these two drove through the entire state of Arizona looking for Phoenix and didn't realize they were lost until they hit the New Mexico state line. So, now you get why I'm a little concerned. As long as I don't get a cell phone call from them sometime in the afternoon, things should be okay.

Around here, I got alot done last night so that there wouldn't be too much left this morning. Unfortunately I do need to clean up the litter room, my least favorite task but aside from that, we just need to get ready and go. We're going to stop off at a bundt cake place on the way to Carlsbad to pick up some little cakes for V.'s birthday celebration tomorrow and then drop off our stuff at my parents' house. The plan is to get I.'s trike and head to the sea wall for lunch and a ride/walk along the beach. In my single days when I lived in North County, I used to go down to that sea wall all the time - for exercise, fresh air, or just to think. Now I'll be going back with my daughter.

Hopefully the dog and all her high-maintenance routines, especially around bedtime, don't drive me nuts. It's only for a couple of days, right?

Our Idyllwild Trip

Here's our cabin from the back hill. When we got here it was pouring rain, 35 degrees and dropping, and the property mgmt. company who had our keys was closed for some unknown reason. After an emergency call, we finally got the keys, careened to the cabin on icy patches, and unloaded the car in the freezing rain up 2 flights of icy stairs. That's when we found out that the groceries that were supposed to be in the cabin, were not there and we basically had no food. Thank God I packed I. dinner but poor V. had to make a quick, scary trip to the closest store to get anything he could find to eat. Good thing because we were iced in for another day and a half - lots of pasta and sauce with turkey hotdogs. I don't think I'll ever eat a turkey hotdog again.


There was a chest of costumes upstairs in the loft so the next day, we rummaged around and this is what we came up with.

What would an Idyllwild trip be without some twilight and sunset pictures? I hiked up the back snow covered hill until I was high enough to almost see the horizon.

I just stood still and watched the sky go from dark blue to lavender with brilliant yellows, pinks, and oranges. It was so quiet. All I could hear was the sound of snow falling off the pine trees.

Gorgeous!

Icicles are cool until you're trying to walk down these stairs. Solid sheets of ice but they were fun to break off, I have to admit.

I really wanted one fire while we were up in Idyllwild. I mean, that's part of the experience. Problem was that we didn't have any little wood for kindling. So I took the first shift and split logs with the claw of a hammer until I couldn't and V. took over. We should have probably stopped now.


Here's the result of our hard work and we actually kept it going for a few hours. I had forgotten how much work it takes to keep a fire going though. Makes me enjoy our gas fireplace at home but you can't beat the smell of real wood burning.

Here's the reason we should have stopped with the hammer. V. took a chunk out of his palm and there was blood everywhere. No first aid kit, no bandaids, no Bactine. We had to make do with dishwashing soap, cold water and an artfully tied kitchen towel around the wound. Poor V.!

The trip had its good moments. It was great to hang out as a family. It was fantastic for I. and V. to see so much of each other. It was so nice to read something at night and be able to share it with V. right then - it was nice to have company at night. I got time to play with I. which was fun. What was probably best was after I got I. in bed, I didn't have a list of things I needed to do/should be doing/staring at me. You know what I mean and that was a huge freeing, emotionally good thing for me.

The hardest part was that the altitude took a lot out of me and from about 10 to 5 I really didn't feel good. I was also trying not to worry about the lackluster reception I had gotten at the doctor's office and the impending ultrasound to verifty that everything was okay. Then I have a bad problem with insomnia made worse with my inability to take any herbs or vodka and I have to make sure I really relax before I go to bed. So the first night there, I pull down the sheets to jump in the bed and there is this mother f*in huge black spider in the sheets running around. Exactly what I did not need before trying to relax and fall asleep. Somehow I still was able to fall asleep and not obsess about the creature (which was deposited into the toilet).

So I do think that we were vacation challenged in 2010 and am hoping for a turn of luck this year. I've got to get busy planning some travelling before August, some trips for just V. and I and some for the 3 of us, while it's just the 3 of us. That topic of the 3 of us is a whole 'nother topic that I am not getting into now, not when I'm going to be heading to bed soon. After a big bowl of cereal and berries - did I mention how hungry I get these days??

Post Christmas, Pre-Hibernation

I thought I would write before we descend into the no-computer zone up in Idyllwild tomorrow. I'm looking forward to books, magazines, games, and DVDs at night. Of course, V. will have his new prized possession, his iPad, that I surprised him with for Christmas and that should work up there so we/he won't be completely cut off. The beauty of this hibernation is that it's a furlough week, a week without pay, which means that by law his f-up company cannot contact him. I will take that however I can get it. I got 95% of the packing done today so we can get out of here by late morning which is the strategy because as our Idyllwild luck would have it, there is a snowstorm predicted to hit tomorrow around 4pm. We've been there and done that before, the we-can't-reach-our-cabin-oh-shit moment, and for that reason we always stay as close to the beginning edge of town to try to avoid this. But just to be sure, we are going to try to get there at 2pm before the 40mph wind gusts and snow starts. Believe it or not, it's supposed to feel like 7 below zero by midnight tomorrow. It's going to be pretty doggone cold the whole time we're up there but that's how I like it.

Christmas was a mixed bag. Of course it was good with I. and having V. here for the first time in 3 years. Unfortunately my sister pissed me off several times, almost ruined dinner, and ruined my dessert. She did nothing to help all day and after we (my parents and I) spent 3 hours on dinner and it's almost time to sit down, she starts freaking out trying to find her phone, raising her voice loudly as she wandered the house. I. was having a hard time going to sleep so I told her to get out of the house before I. started calling for me a 4th time. At dinner, she proceeded to cut off 5 pieces of meat, a couple of bites of the sides and shove the remainder of the food onto her bread plate which was right next to my mom's plate. The plate looked like a vomit plate, the way everything was heaped up there. To make matters worse, after she finished her 12 bites of food, she started bugging my mom for more meat, specifically rare meat which there wasn't any left. She kept on until I finally told her to stop harping on my mom and to let her eat her food in peace. Such a bitch. Here's the kicker - when dessert, which consisted of 5 different flavors of cakes, was served everybody took 2 pieces and passed it. She took forever to take 3 pieces and then after everyone finally got a turn, she decided without taking one bite, that she wanted pieces of the other 2 that were left. My dad refused to pass it back down to her, saying that if she wanted more after she was done with what she had she could have some. Well, she threw a tantrum and got up, got 2 more pieces telling my dad that he was a control freak, and sat down. I lost it and told her that she should try making a nice dinner for 3 hours only to have someone throw it all on a "vomit plate" and then make a pig of themselves at dessert and see how well she liked it. I honestly wish she would just disappear - I really hate her. I know that may sound awful to say but after this kind of shit from 14-27 years old, I'm sick of it. Sick of how it ruins our holidays and any get togethers. My only solace is that when my parents are gone, I will have NO problem cutting her out of my life. I've been forced to endure this for so long, too long that when I no longer am required to do so, I will stop without any guilt. I've paid my penance.

V. and I had some time to ourselves to relax and have fun which was nice. This past week I've been so exhausted and it's been great having V. to get I. up in the morning and to help with things around the house. Within 30 minutes of waking up, I'm tired and just not feeling good pretty much until 5pm. It's hard for me to deal with. That's what is good about Idyllwild - no expectations of cleaning, taking care of animals, doing laundry, etc. Yes, I'll make meals and entertain I. but mentally being free of the other stuff really will help. I plan on taking walks in the cold mountain air, breathing in the smell of fireplaces burning, and seeing the forest of trees. I'm looking forward to hibernating.

Well, I Lied

No, I'm not ready to post about things yet. I was wrong. Maybe after the New Year when things have possibly settled down a little but not now.

Today was Christmas Eve and it was a nice day. V. took all 3 girls shopping and I lucked out with a last minute massage after a 30 minute walk at a nearby lake. It felt so good. It felt good to feel good. I came home and made some cranberry scones for our next door neighbors who bring our trashcans in almost every week just to be nice. I told the man how much I appreciated it and didn't expect it and he turned red and start giggling while saying "Ah, it's nothing." It was pretty funny and I felt glad that I did it. Then V. and the girls came home, we rested for about an hour and then headed over to Pick Up Stix for an early dinner. In my family, we always had Chinese food on Christmas Eve so this is my way of carrying on the tradition. It was a fun time and boy did that food taste good!

Now, I'm waiting for the two older girls and V. to go to sleep so that I can do stockings but of course, they are not going to sleep. Last night all 3 of them were ready for bed at 8pm but tonight because I want to be in bed by 10, it's 9:30 and everyone is awake. Wait...okay, the girls just said good night so off I go to get their stuff. I guess I'll do V.'s upstairs in our room when I go up there.

A funny aside - our foster cat had to be moved to our bedroom last night since the girls were here. I put her in the walk-in closet when I went to bed and she was great - no noise or crying until I heard some scratching around 7:15 am. I rolled over to see if I could sleep a little longer, heard no noise, but then felt a thump on the bed and thought "What the heck?" Open my eyes to see that crazy cat sitting on the bed looking at me. Turns out I should add "smart" to her personality description because she figured out how to turn that doorknob and get out!

Holiday Plans

I know, I know, I haven't been posting regularly again. It's not because nothing is going on because everything is going on. It's just that I haven't been ready to post about it. It's one thing to have it on my mind every friggin' minute of the day but to see it in print. Well, that takes a whole 'nother level of coping that I haven't had in my emotional reserves. One step at a time... This morning though I will have to acknowledge things head on, I will have no choice. With this acknowledgement, I think I'll be ready to post about everything. At least I think so, we'll see.

The girls will be arriving tonight with V. to stay through Christmas morning. Tomorrow V. is going to take all 3 of them shopping for me so I'll have some alone time for myself. Probably not for a long period of time but it'll be something. I need to get to the gym tomorrow since it's been crowded out this week (except Tuesday) by things that needed to happen before Christmas.

I'm looking forward to Christmas, the day after Christmas when V. and I will open our presents to each other, and have a date night to ourselves. Then next week we'll be off to Idyllwild for our get away and I am looking forward to it as it gets closer. We have so many good, funny memories of past trips that we reminisce about on the trip up, trips before and after I. I remember that first trip with I. She was all of a month and a half. I remember running between her room and our room 3 times a night to nurse her. I was tired but made it through the day by the sheer joy and wonder of having her. Beautiful memories. This year, I think I. and I will take a hike each afternoon and discover things. Our cabin is supposed to be near one of the famous hiking trails so that should work out nicely. Spending time relaxing and discovering with I. and then evenings spending time relaxing and hanging out with V. Life doesn't get better than that.

A Rare Moment

It's Saturday morning 9:45 and I'm sitting downstairs at the computer by myself. Wow! After being the sole person on parenting duty 24/7 for the last 21 days, it's a real treat to have a moment during the daytime to myself. A moment when I don't feel like I should be doing something else instead. A moment when I can hear myself think, I can enjoy the Christmas music but above all, enjoy all this without feeling alone. Much of the time that I can hear myself think is because I'm alone so it's a bittersweet enjoyment of sorts. But this morning, I can hear I. and V. upstairs in the bed, V. trying to take another nap and I. pretending to take a nap with him. The best of both worlds - hearing my own voice while still hearing the voices of the ones I love. This doesn't happen very often and I am basking in its sound.

I got to sleep in this morning which I needed oh-so-much. The tradeoff was that V., after sleeping by himself for several weeks, has gotten into a bad habit of flipping over mid-air before slamming his body back down on the bed. Most people just turn over, not V. It's akin to a whale breaching and the by product is that every time he "breaches" and lands back on the mattress, my head is bouncing up and down on the pillow which wakes me up. So, although I got to sleep in, it took me longer to fall asleep and then I felt like I was on a boat until he finally got up this morning.

Today we're off to "Lunch With Santa", something that we (I. and I) went to last year and really enjoyed. That's going to be our only event for the day with naptime for V. before and after the event plus probably most of the evening. The good news is that he will not have to go to San Francisco next week and will be working from San Diego and LA so at least he'll be home at night. Tonight will be a discussion of important things to come so that we will finally be on the same page. I won't have the stress of being the only one dealing with future knowledge and I'm hoping that may help with feeling overwhelmed. We'll see how it goes - I'm hoping for the best.

Snotty Monday

I haven't posted since the middle of last week because we're still trying to adjust to this vile time change. I'm getting a little more used to the early morning wake up time and actually after I get I. down for bed, I get a few things done before settling down for the evening. However, once this burst of productivity is over, I'm really tired mentally and physically and my brain is pretty much blank. Not so conducive for blogging.

Our weekend went pretty well - some playtime for I. with both V. and I and V. got a good nap in there. The only downside was that thanks to messing with I.'s sleep, she got a cold. Even though she's still getting about the same amount of sleep, she's getting up at 5 am. so she's pretty tired by 1pm and still has 3 hours to go. It's just a given that when her sleep is messed with, she gets sick. Of course, now V. and I are fighting off this cold and hopefully neither of us will get the full strength version.

This morning is I.'s first gymnastics class. She doesn't have a fever, her snot is clear, and this is the 3rd day so I don't think she's contagious. She would be allowed to go to school so I am going to take her to the class. After a couple of errands, my mom is supposed to come to our house because she wants to play with I. We'll see what time she arrives. I told her to come early since I.'s dinner starts at 3pm but that doesn't usually make a difference in her arrival time. All I know is that I'm not going to get I. in bed late when she's trying to recover from sickness to compensate for my mom's lack of time awareness.

I.'s having a frustrated fit across the room which is aggravating me so I'm going to extricate myself and start getting ready for the day. Whatever happened to a sick kid who just lies quietly on the couch? This one runs around and does just like normal but has a severly diminished level of patience and tolerance for frustration. Ugh!

So So Weekend

This weekend was not our best nor our worst weekend, it was just one of those "there" weekends. I'm still trying to figure out what made it different than the weekend before which was a good bonding weekend. What I've come up with so far is that it really didn't have anything to do with me.

The high points were taking I. daytime trick or treating at a shopping mall on Saturday afternoon and then going out to our weekly early dinner/late lunch. She had a really good time and it was fun to watch her enjoying the trick or treat experience since she doesn't get to participate in the nighttime one. A 5 pm bedtime just is not conducive for trick or treating. And before anyone says, "Ahh, why can't you let her stay up late one night?" let me just give this example. She fell asleep on Saturday night at 6:30 due to playing in bed and Sunday morning, she was an emotional wreck, sobbing and throwing fits at the slightest things. It was not fun to deal with for anyone involved, let me tell you.

As for the downside of the weekend, it wasn't anything glaring. It just felt like V. and I. were marching next to each other rather than together. Part of it was that he had a bunch of work (as always) he needed to take care of during the weekend however, he didn't communicate how much so I assumed that after spending both mornings (3-4 hours at a time) working plus a conference call, that would be it. But no, I was wrong, he had more as I found out last night at 5pm when he expressed his frustration in being interrupted while he was on his computer by saying (as he was going up to change I.'s poopy diaper), "It's really frustrating to be interrupted no less than 15 times when I'm trying to finish this reading."

It wasn't said meanly or even angrily, just in a frustrated tone of voice but it stung nonetheless. I thought about it as I showered then came down and finished the morning paper, which due to constant interruptions, I never got to even read and waited for another hour or so for him to finish his homework. Then I said, "You know, we only get to see you 2 days out of the week so that is family time. It's interesting to me that what you view as "interruptions" to our family time is us, your family. That's completely backwards - it should be the work that is the "interruption" to our family time. And I think you really need to think about that." I think he was taken a little aback initially but then he asked what was my solution to the fact that he had to get the work done regardless. I told him that we should have discussed (his favorite word) on Saturday morning our needs and expectations of the weekend so that we could work as a team and schedule accordingly. I reminded him him finishing up the reading tonight was not going to be remembered or make a difference in life 10 years from now but spending time carving a pumpkin with I. would. We'll see in the future if it makes a difference.

V.'s parents annoyed (his word) him on Sunday morning during a Skype phone call by turning down his request that they use his frequent flyer mileage to come out for a visit and they responded with all the reasons why they couldn't, namely because they have to take care of "their baby" (great granddaughter). Talk about enabling - they rival my parents. Although he said it annoyed him, I think the correct words would have been anger and hurt. Neither of these emotions are conducive for a bonding weekend though. Saturday evening, V. fell asleep at 5:30 and last night by 7pm which while I understood his exhaustion, it was still a bummer because it wasn't very unlike my weekday nights.

Oh well, I talked to V. this morning and told him that this weekend wasn't our best and he agreed so that counts for something; he wasn't clueless and I guess in a way we were on the same page, just not the page I wished we were on. Besides the exhaustion and the aggravation, I just felt like V. had half a leg in last week's work and a full leg into this coming week's which only left a half a leg for us. Next Saturday is I.'s birthday party and I hope he can hold it together long enough to be "present" for the party.

Today is Monday, our "last hurrah" day as I call it before I. starts full-time school. We're going to get our flu mist first (that will be challenging) and then head down to Balboa Park to see a surfing IMAX movie and look around the adjoining museum. It should be a fun day of hanging out with my girl.