Time Off for Good Behavior

Tomorrow V. and I will be heading up to Laguna Beach for a long weekend, a birthday getaway for me.  We postponed it until Easter vacation so I. wouldn't miss school.  For the last 10 days, V. has been out of town working, except for 3 hours he was home to take me out to dinner for my birthday.  It's been a long 10 days for V. and also for me being the only one on duty with the kids.  This week we had fun while I. was off of school - a trip to the Wild Animal Park, linner at Souplantation, crafts, puzzles, games, a bike ride at the lake, a trip to the library, and lunch at our favorite breakfast place.  It was a good time.  I have to admit though, by Tuesday (day 8 without V.) I would wake up to the alarm in the morning and think, "Only 2 more days of waking up to an alarm." and the countdown continued through today.

Here's what I am looking forward to:  no alarm; a relaxed, demand-free breakfast; not having a schedule; reading during the day without feeling guilty; not having to clean up and do, do, do; spending time with V.; goofing around; seeing a sunset; being out and about after 5pm.  I'm sure there's plenty more but that's all I'm going to list for now.

That being said, it feels weird being here in an empty house, driving home in an empty car.  Being a mom and having kids is such a major part of my life and provides so much meaning to my life.  I mean, I really do something these days, something important and perhaps that is why I am so tired by the end of the day.  I realize the importance, the responsibility of shaping these little humans and it takes my physical, mental, and emotional energy to do it the way I think it should be done. I've never been able to just do something half-ass and this certainly is no different. 

I've earned my weekend and hope that it will recharge me until my next break.

One Day At A Time

My day at the spa was wonderful. I quietly hung out by myself, reading and relaxing, as I rested my feet in the whirlpool and hung out in the dimmed relaxation room awaiting my massage appointment. The massage felt really good but I have to admit that I am looking forward to a complete massage, not one that avoids all the feel good places that could trigger contractions. I hung out there for about 4 hours and drove home in the late afternoon when usually I'm putting Isabella in the bath and bed. The hubby and I also scored on 2 date dinners which is unheard of and provided a nice hang out time for us.

I also happily got belly pictures taken with I. this week so that I can remember this basketball belly and how I. and I shared this exciting time together. I haven't seen the pictures but I am hopeful that many of them turned out well. I seem to take good pictures with I. Must be the love shining through...

Yesterday we took I. to the circus and had a great time. The looks on her face were priceless and I found myself surreptiously watching her face instead of the circus. I really enjoyed every moment of it. And to cap it off, as soon as it ended, I. gave me and V. two big hugs of thanks which really warmed my heart. It's always a balance of giving your kid a lot without giving too much and lowering their appreciation quotient.

Sleep is proving more difficult as the days go by. My hips are hurting for lying on my sides all night and I've been waking up from weird, chaotic dreams thanks to burning pains in my rib cage thanks to the little guy exerting constant pressure on it. He moves all the time just like he always have but I can tell the movement is more limited so he is definitely still growing and running into space issues. Aren't we all running into space issues? I'm having a difficult time getting my head around the fact that he may be here in as soon as 2 weeks, maybe 3. It's hard for me to picture for some reason. A big part of me is a little melancholy that he will no longer be inside me. For all the uncomfortable moments, it truly is a miracle when he and I are able to interact during this time and since it will be the last time, and I know that (or it had better be the last time!), I'm starting to become wistful about it. I wish this wasn't part of my temperament but it just is and I will just have to roll with it and concentrate on enjoying all of this last month's experiences fully.

Mommy's Time Off

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last posted. Time is flying by and it makes me nervous. So what's been going on?

Well, last Thursday we finally did my mom's Mother's Day present and I. and I took her by train to San Juan Capistrano to a day of a petting zoo, lunch, and browsing around time. She's a big time train lover so she loved it and really the day was wonderful. It was relaxing on all levels and we all just had so much fun talking, experiencing, and being with one another. Some times together are better than others and this was one of the really good ones. I wonder if some of it was because in the morning when I got up, I said to myself, "Today is going to be a fun day, a day of memories." I feel like that mindset helped me relax and just stay in the moment. I'll have to test out that theory on another day. Maybe I should start chanting that to myself when I go into labor?? Perhaps I'll find a substitute word for "fun"; that may be a stretch.

Sunday we enjoyed a nice bday celebration for my brother at my parents' house. It was so nice to be able to get ready for that day and be looking forward to it without worrying about my sister and her behavior. It's like night and day how I feel before going over to a family event now. I. spent the night there and will be there until I pick her up on Wednesday afternoon. She's been asking to spend 3 nights over there for the last few months so we finally scheduled it. I miss her but I've got to say that I have no problem entertaining myself. I know this is going to be the last chance that I will have for a few years to just relax and enjoy so I'm kind of going all out. Usually when she spends time with my parents, I use the time to get projects and errands done but not this time. Yesterday, I attempted to sleep in but the little guy had different ideas and started to do all his acrobatics around 7am. I figured he'd stop at some point, which he did, and that then I would try to go back to sleep. However, right after he stopped kicking around, the hiccups started and those can go on for 10-15 minutes so I gave up and got up. Went to the chiropractor, went to an early movie, did one errand, grabbed some lunch and then met my friend Terry for coffee at 2pm. Even though we've talked many times over the last months, we hadn't actually seen each other for 8 months or so. It was great to just relax and catch up. To cap off the day, V. and I went out to a fun, nice dinner. It was just all around a perfect kind of day.

Today I'm going all out and will be getting a massage in the early afternoon at a hotel day spa. I'm planning on maximizing the money by getting down there early and using the spa facilities and relax. It should be nice. I researched all the prenatal massages around here and this one not only looked really nice, they didn't gouge you like the other places did. No matter how good a massage is, it's hard for me to emjoy it if I'm being gouged. Except of course when we go to Vegas and go to the spa at the Venetian/Palazzo but you don't feel like you're being gouged because the facilities are so palatial and over the top wonderful, you still feel like it was worth every dime.

That's the plan and hopefully a cheap Taco Tuesday dinner at El Torito with the hubby tonight. When you don't get out of the house after 3:30 every single day like me, being out in the evening is a real treat. On the baby side of things, he has dropped much lower, which allows me to eat and breathe, but results in all sorts of groin and belly pains as well as a marked increase in Braxton-Hicks contractions. I probably have 25-35 a day now and they are starting to get strong at times. Officially, we're 4-5 weeks away but I think 3-4 weeks is more realistic. I can't believe it how it's right around the corner. Okay, better not think about it any more or I'll start getting stressed. On to my relaxing day....

Quiet Moments

Yesterday was a busy but good day. First to the gym for a quick treadmill workout, then straight to my parents' house for lunch and instructions for this weekend's housesitting/dog sitting while they go to Vegas (one of our Christmas presents to them). Then home for bath and bedtime.

The weather was so nice, high 70s which is a nice change from what we've had lately. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those lamenting our cool summer weather. I like low 70s/high 60s weather most of the time but a little bit warmer here and there is good too.

I got I. in bed and went on the back patio to bask in the warm air. I'm supposed to be thinking about what my "perfect" birth experience looks like. It's my first assignment from my doula. What better place to do this than on the patio with peace and quiet, looking at the warm sunlight glowing on the back embankment, feeling the warm air on my skin, and seeing the hummingbirds flitting from flower to flower. It's still kind of awkward to put this "perfect" picture together but I think it will be one of those things that just develops over time when I'm not really thinking hard about it. Bits and pieces here and there.

Today is V.'s birthday and a chocolate cake is being delivered to the San Francisco office this afternoon. I think he'll be surprised. I guess I'll find out this afternoon. Another nice warm day today, probably the last for the week so I will take advantage of another twilight on the patio this evening.

Post Christmas, Pre-Hibernation

I thought I would write before we descend into the no-computer zone up in Idyllwild tomorrow. I'm looking forward to books, magazines, games, and DVDs at night. Of course, V. will have his new prized possession, his iPad, that I surprised him with for Christmas and that should work up there so we/he won't be completely cut off. The beauty of this hibernation is that it's a furlough week, a week without pay, which means that by law his f-up company cannot contact him. I will take that however I can get it. I got 95% of the packing done today so we can get out of here by late morning which is the strategy because as our Idyllwild luck would have it, there is a snowstorm predicted to hit tomorrow around 4pm. We've been there and done that before, the we-can't-reach-our-cabin-oh-shit moment, and for that reason we always stay as close to the beginning edge of town to try to avoid this. But just to be sure, we are going to try to get there at 2pm before the 40mph wind gusts and snow starts. Believe it or not, it's supposed to feel like 7 below zero by midnight tomorrow. It's going to be pretty doggone cold the whole time we're up there but that's how I like it.

Christmas was a mixed bag. Of course it was good with I. and having V. here for the first time in 3 years. Unfortunately my sister pissed me off several times, almost ruined dinner, and ruined my dessert. She did nothing to help all day and after we (my parents and I) spent 3 hours on dinner and it's almost time to sit down, she starts freaking out trying to find her phone, raising her voice loudly as she wandered the house. I. was having a hard time going to sleep so I told her to get out of the house before I. started calling for me a 4th time. At dinner, she proceeded to cut off 5 pieces of meat, a couple of bites of the sides and shove the remainder of the food onto her bread plate which was right next to my mom's plate. The plate looked like a vomit plate, the way everything was heaped up there. To make matters worse, after she finished her 12 bites of food, she started bugging my mom for more meat, specifically rare meat which there wasn't any left. She kept on until I finally told her to stop harping on my mom and to let her eat her food in peace. Such a bitch. Here's the kicker - when dessert, which consisted of 5 different flavors of cakes, was served everybody took 2 pieces and passed it. She took forever to take 3 pieces and then after everyone finally got a turn, she decided without taking one bite, that she wanted pieces of the other 2 that were left. My dad refused to pass it back down to her, saying that if she wanted more after she was done with what she had she could have some. Well, she threw a tantrum and got up, got 2 more pieces telling my dad that he was a control freak, and sat down. I lost it and told her that she should try making a nice dinner for 3 hours only to have someone throw it all on a "vomit plate" and then make a pig of themselves at dessert and see how well she liked it. I honestly wish she would just disappear - I really hate her. I know that may sound awful to say but after this kind of shit from 14-27 years old, I'm sick of it. Sick of how it ruins our holidays and any get togethers. My only solace is that when my parents are gone, I will have NO problem cutting her out of my life. I've been forced to endure this for so long, too long that when I no longer am required to do so, I will stop without any guilt. I've paid my penance.

V. and I had some time to ourselves to relax and have fun which was nice. This past week I've been so exhausted and it's been great having V. to get I. up in the morning and to help with things around the house. Within 30 minutes of waking up, I'm tired and just not feeling good pretty much until 5pm. It's hard for me to deal with. That's what is good about Idyllwild - no expectations of cleaning, taking care of animals, doing laundry, etc. Yes, I'll make meals and entertain I. but mentally being free of the other stuff really will help. I plan on taking walks in the cold mountain air, breathing in the smell of fireplaces burning, and seeing the forest of trees. I'm looking forward to hibernating.

Quiet

The morning after Thanksgiving to me is a morning of success. Success that I made it through Thanksgiving with my family in one piece and that I have 2 nights off from mommy duty. Well, technically I did give I. her bath last night and put her to bed but not having to be on alert during the night counts as a night off. She's staying today as well so that my mom can play with her all day and then we'll go get her tomorrow morning bright and early. The plan is to go to Legoland since it's down the street and we still haven't gone for her birthday but supposedly it's going to rain so we'll figure it out tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I've had the house to myself for a couple of hours. The girls had to head home this morning so V. left at 8:45 to drive them home. I toyed with driving with him just to hang out but decided that it wouldn't make a difference to him (he's not a talker especially in the car) and honestly, I would much rather use the time for sleeping. I woke up just as they left and have enjoyed reading the paper, drinking my coffee, and eating my breakfast in solitary peace.

I do need to get my butt in gear and get ready to meet V. at the gym and then we have the whole day and evening to ourselves. Wow! Now that's something unusual. It's a given that V. will need/want some resttime this afternoon but I'm trying to figure out some plans for this evening. Hmmm, I'll let you know what I come up with...for now, I will happily get ready without any interruptions and demands. This is what Black Friday means to me!

Family Weekend

Father's Day weekend turned out really nice. The girls didn't come down which caused an argument between V. and the ex but what was good was that he was able to be home both mornings and on Father's Day, we were able to pamper him and open gifts without rushing. Plus we didn't have the girls sitting there watching V. opening Father's Day gifts from I. and I while they sat there with no present, no card, no nothin'. So this year, I. and I went out of our way to make V. feel special - his favorite breakfast, hand picked cards, and well-thought out presents.

Even the afternoon at my parents' went pretty smoothly except for some irritations due to my sister. No surprise there but there were no blowups and I was able to diffuse my irritations with comments, some under my breath, others not and that worked for the day.

Saturday was a good day too though with some small window of anguish but we successfully, albeit painfully, made it through to the other sunny side. That's all I'm going to say about that. Mark's anniversary is quickly approaching, people are RSVP'ing for his party and some sadness is descending on my inner soul. I don't consciously identify it, it's just a heaviness that leaves me mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the day. Having a shoulder injury affect every aspect of my day and nights since Labor Day probably doesn't help with that exhaustion either.

I'm looking forward to having a day and a half off with V. by ourselves. The graduation is Thursday night and though we may be treated as the red headed step children due to the recent fight, I don't give a flying f*ck. I'm glad V. called the ex on this BS that's been occurring the last 2 years and if she doesn't like it, f*ck her. After it's over, she'll go be the queen bee at the grad party they're hosting (we're not invited) and we'll escape to Redondo Beach for a couple nights and a day of relaxation and fun. Can't wait!

Stunned

Since I posted twice separately the day before and I didn't want to be responsible for all two of my readers overdosing, I didn't post yesterday. I'm back today though and had a big surprise waiting for me on my blog. One of the real bloggers that I follow, actually left a comment on my last post about leaving a mark on the world that was inspired by her blog. I was so stoked!! It gave me a taste of how addicting it must be for those real bloggers to watch their following grow. I can't figure out how she knew I did it because you see, I'm not a real blogger. Because if I was, I would KNOW how she knew. I suspect that it has something to do with the hyperlink to her blog that I included in my posting but I don't know and it's really bugging me because I so want to know.

And no, I'm not going to be all "junior high-ish" and ask her because that's just way too dorky. I may be a lot of things but I'm not a dork. Dorks don't insert the word "pussy" in normal conversations just to horrify their husbands and they certainly don't have a very large bottle of vodka in their freezer. Not naming names or anything, I'm just saying. With all that being said, if Mama Mary does happen to read this, would she mind letting me know how she knew? Because the way my mind works, this curiosity will torture my mind for an indeterminately long time. Thanks. PS. If it's such an easy answer that even my 4 year old would know it, please make it sound more difficult than it actually is so I don't feel like more of an idiot than I already feel. Thanks.

As I peck away on this keyboard, I am in the last hours of my last sizable "off the grid" for awhile. I'm outside on the patio with Fuzzy on my lap, feeling the breeze, hearing my windchimes, and watching this kick-ass lizard dig around on the embankment in front of me. The crows are carrying on about something as they always do though today there seems to be quite a bruhaha taking place. Yet, to me, it's quiet. When I do get time to myself at home, I like it quiet. I want to hear the sounds of things so minor and small that I would never even notice them on a regular day. These are the sounds of all the little things in the day that I'm too busy to notice let alone stop and listen. They are the sounds of life outside of my little world and it's nice to stop, listen, and realize how thankful I am to be alive to hear them.