Post Puerto Rico

I am going to post about our fun time in Puerto Rico as soon as I get the pics edited which is taking longer than expected thanks to new Windows 8 software.  I got some really good pictures so I am looking forward to posting.  Stand by!

Meanwhile, I am processing some difficult emotions and struggling as I do so.  I have a hard time allowing myself to just feel without some sort of analysis or logical rationalization of why I really shouldn't feel this way.  It hasn't served me well in the past and now that I'm aware of it, I'll catch myself at it but somehow am not able to stop berating myself about how I shouldn't feel this way.  Drives me nuts.

Now that I'm home from our Puerto Rico trip, the loss of nursing has hit me hard and taken me by surprise because while on the trip, I thought I was handling it pretty well.  Sometimes it would hit me when I would see a baby or see one nursing but I was still okay so I thought, "Hey, I did my grieving up front before the weaning."  Or so I thought.

These first days back have been upsetting to both D. and I.  Monday morning he became so angry and upset with me because we weren't sitting down to nurse in the morning and it just broke my heart.  Yesterday he was okay first thing in the morning but then after breakfast, instead of puttering around happily, he got upset and cried for awhile.  This morning was better but still we struggle to find/create a new morning routine.  We can't go into my room and read books and snuggle in the rocking chair because he associates that with nursing.  We go downstairs but he doesn't want milk in a cup and it's not a good snuggle place for just the two of us, with I. coming downstairs for a snack and the cats milling around for breakfast.  So we continue the struggle for a suitable substitution.  Neither one of us feels satisfied that we have gotten "together time" before we head back into their bedroom to do I.'s hair.  As a result, we both feel cranky and off-center like something is missing.  That's exactly what it is too; something is definitely missing.

I feel as though I'm having an identity crisis.  I don't feel special any more.  When I was pregnant, I felt special.  I had a human being growing inside of me and only I could experience him moving and feel what was going on with him.  Then he was born and for almost 19 months, I was the only one who could nurse him, who could give him sustenance in this way.   Special didn't mean I was better than anyone, it just meant that I had additional powers, super powers you might say.  It gave me a reason to really take care of myself, to take all my vitamins and milk producing herbs and eat healthy to pass on nutrients to D. to help him grow and be healthy.  Now to be honest, I feel like, "Why bother?"  I mean, it's just me.  I'm not passing on anything to anybody anymore.  I know that's not a healthy thought but it's my thought process right now.  I feel like I went from being one of a kind and special to just the "other parent".  Anything I can do these days, V. could do.  It's as though I had a Platinum card before but had to turn it in for the regular card just like any old Joe Schmo.

My mother half jokingly said today that I should be on an anti-depressant but I think this falls under what Dr. Laura says, "I can't fix normal."  I think grieving at this time is normal.  I know with I. I grieved but the fact that she initiated it and didn't look back made my grief pass more quickly.  Feeling as though I'm withholding from D. that which he knows I could give him adds to my grief exponentially.  Right now the freedom that I have now been afforded is in indirect proportion to the sadness and loss I am feeling. 

Hopefully each day will get a little better.

Mother's Intuition

This weekend was a no-go for weaning.  There was no ifs, ands, or buts about it - D. was not interested in a milk cup and despite eating huge amounts of breakfast, he still wanted his momma's milk.   Sunday while I was working out at the gym, I was mulling things around in my brain.  Exercise has always been good for mental constipation.  If something needs to be worked out, get me exercising with no one talking to me and I'll figure it out.

A plan that I had quickly dismissed about a month ago came back to mind and I gave it some thought.  Took D.'s recent reactions to weaning into account and my own feelings and the plan now just felt right.  Talked out the pros and cons in my head and I just knew this was the right plan for us.  "Right plan" being the easiest on D. and maximizing my nursing time with him.  So I decided that I am going to continue nursing him in the morning right up to that last morning I am here.  The next morning he'll be waking up at my parents' house with his sister and it will be fun, fun, fun plus a dog (or in D.'s mind A DOG).  Momma's milk, well Momma's not here so why would I be getting her milk may very well be his thought in the morning, or perhaps I may not even cross his mind. 

A change in scenery may make it okay.  More importantly, I don't want D. to be upset, sad, confused, and angry with me because I am withholding that which he knows I can provide and that he desperately wants.  I don't want him to have those negative feelings and feel that separation pain from me and then on top of it, I'm gone.  I want this last week to be one of closeness, love, snuggling, and security - that is how I want us to go out.  You always want to go out on a high note not on one of disappointment.  Today I passed it by my mom  since she will be the one handling D. while V. and I are gone.  She immediately agreed and thought that would be the least upsetting D. which eased my mind. 

Now I need to try not to do the countdown each morning while nursing but just to concentrate on enjoying every moment of it.  And by "the countdown" I mean grieving as the days whittle by.  It's going to be hard.

Weaning Pain

Still agonizing how to best move into a nursing free world for D. and I.  We're down to one nursing, the first thing in the morning one.  I thought that the weekend would be the easiest since V. can get him up and feed him a huge breakfast of eggs, cheese, and bread.  I was hoping that I could just kind of slide in with a cup of milk (cow that is) with perhaps a chaser of breast milk. 

Well no doing.  As soon as D. saw me coming down the stairs he ran over with his arms outstretched to pick him up and when I took him upstairs and offered the cup of milk, he rejected it and insisted on being nursed.  This does not bode well.

The hard part is that I am not mentally 100% into this.  I don't want to cut him off or deny him.  But I also don't want to just leave for the Puerto Rico and have him dealing with both the recent loss of nursing in addition to his momma gone for the first time in his life.

There is no book on how to wean, the least painful way.  There should be. 

Tomorrow is the last day of the weekend.  Tonight I took half of the herbs that I've been taking for bolstering my milk supply.  Even that passive move at possibly reducing my supply breaks my heart.  I just don't know how to do it any other way.  I think my milk has already been reduced over this week because D. has been frustrated and angry at certain times during our morning feeding.

It just breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do.  Just cut him off abruptly?   I was trying not to but after this morning I don't think being subtle is going to work.  However, maybe stopping the herbs and pray for the best will help to taper things off more smoothly.  I don't know.

Here is another one of those mother mysteries that no one talks about, sheds light on and so we all stumble through painfully.  There is a part of me that wants to eliminate the uncertainty and pain that mothers experience about these first time life events.  With I., she weaned me at 12 months so there was no stumbling and bumbling and trying to figure things out.  It was done, just done and I had no say in it.  At the time I thought nothing was more painful than that.  Now that I've been on the other side, the side of "we have to get this done", it's much more guilt laden than my previous experience.  My plan now is to eliminate the herbs rather than go cold turkey but knowing the consequences of that makes me sad nonetheless.

So amazingly sad. 

Conflicting Emotions

All day I was painfully aware that D.'s bedtime was approaching and with that, our first bedtime without nursing.  It was a good day - swimming class together which we enjoy so much and some playtime and snuggling before afternoon rest time.  He enjoyed his bath (as always) and then we were at the moment in time when we sit down in the rocking chair and nurse as the light grows dimmer and dimmer.

Except tonight it was milk in a sippy cup.  Thankfully he didn't balk at it probably because he's been enjoying milk in a sippy cup at rest time.  Plus I made sure he was holding his blanky which is his version of I.'s baby bear.  We sat in the rocking chair with him lying sideways up against me and since he wanted to hold the cup, I was able to wrap both of my arms around him holding him tight.  First I went through what we did today and what was fun about it and then I sang to him for another 10 minutes.  We looked up at the trees in the window moving in the breeze and watched the light as it grew dim.  I felt twinges of sadness but pushed them away and just enjoyed our closeness, thankful for my usual bundle of nonstop motion allowing me to hold him so tightly and for so long.  I took the milk and then finished with the same 3 songs that I sing him at naptime and rest time and by then he was completely relaxed and his eyes were struggling to stay open.  When I put him in his crib, he just laid on his stomach still holding his blanky and went to sleep.

My emotions are so conflicted.  I am so relieved and happy that he didn't cry, he just took it in stride without looking back.  I have been praying for God to give him comfort and that he would not be sad.  Of course, I prayed for the same exact things for myself.  I am so thankful that he feels soothed by me, not just my breast, that I can make him relax and sleepy just by holding him and singing to him.  He felt secure and warm and loved enough to accept the change and fall asleep.  That knowledge fills me with joy.  It makes me feel like as a mother, I am doing right by him and that I am giving him a really great start in life to build upon.

But the joy is mixed in with a huge dose of sadness and I have to stop after almost every sentence I write to cry a little more into a tissue.  This is the road D. and I have been on together for 18 months (today!) and it was not an easy road many times but I was not going to give up though there were so many physically painful moments plus others pressuring me/suggesting to me to go to bottle feeding.  I'm glad for my stubbornness (maybe one day I'll be glad for I.'s stubbornness?!) because it allowed us to get all the way down this road.  And while it is so hard to be standing at almost the end of the road, because we still have our wake up nursing for another couple of weeks, if I turn around and look at the road we have travelled and the tender, beautiful memories that I will always have and have written about in this blog for posterity, it's worth the sadness now.  It doesn't lessen the pain, but it makes it worth it.

Strange Day

Tonight was most likely the last night I nursed D. at his bedtime.  I quietly watched him, his perfect "latch" that took so long to get to; the way his eyes rolled back a little and then after a time, his eyelids closed slowly as he relaxed; the sound of him swallowing after feeling the strong tug of his mouth; and the hit of oxytocin that flooded through my body soon after he started nursing.  I let him suckle tonight long after I normally would have let him just cherishing the moment and realizing that this would be the last time I he fell asleep on my breast.  It feels so wrong that I know this fact and he doesn't.

As I nursed him I prayed for comfort for myself and D. during this transition and especially that D. would be secure in my love and physical affection for him.  Being a mother breaks your heart in small pieces over and over again until (and this I'm speaking of with future hope) those broken pieces mend in the form of a happy, adult child who still really loves you. 

I chose tomorrow as opposed to today or yesterday to kick off the bedtime weaning.  One, I wanted the daytime to be a day unto D. and I.  I wanted it to be a day where it was mostly just he and I by ourselves so that I could snuggle with him,   WAIT!

Tomorrow is our music class and then our friends will be coming over to talk and play which means I will be socializing with the mom while the kids play.  That doesn't give me the one on one time to be with D. so tonight will not be the final bedtime feeding.  Probably tomorrow night because Wednesday will be just one on one time with D. 

The other consideration is that on that first night of adjustment, I just want to be able to walk out of the bedroom, where hopefully D. is not crying, and go straight downstairs to the shower to cry for as long as I need to without any witnesses, ie. V.  If V. is around I'm going to feel a need to keep it together and what I'm going to feel a need for is to let it all hang out.  Not necessarily an ugly cry but I will be coming out of the shower with some red eyes. 

I think about how I felt when Mark died and going through this process with D.  While the pain when Mark died was so deep and long lasting, the pain of separating physically from D. is just as deep but is stretched out over time.  It's like ripping the band aid off all at once and feeling the immediate pain as it heals vs. slowly tearing the band aid off little by little, recognizing the pain a dozen times, lightening hot pain but fast, then healing and then repeating it over and over again.  I think about how I. weaned me at a year abruptly and how depressed I was for that week but once we reconnected in different ways, it was all good again.  And I look at weaning with D. and I'd have to say hands down that this experience has been more traumatic on both sides.  I. deciding made it so much easier on both of us.  There was no guilt on my part, just me coming to terms with her decision. 

Today was already a strange day for us.  I got D. down late because it was 2nd quarter awards this morning for I. so he fell asleep at 9:20, about 20-30 minutes later than normal.  He usually sleeps 1.5-2 hours but by 12:25, I started thinking the worst so I opened the door and it woke him up.  It must be all the teeth that are coming in at one time and the fact that he's up at 4:45/5 am.  Anyways, instead of a morning nap and an afternoon rest, it was a trip to the grocery store, play with Mommy, and play outside before getting I. from school.  No afternoon rest time for D. or me.  On the days that we don't have late morning activities, this may become the norm but today, our first, it was strange though I did enjoy it because I not only got quite a bit done in the morning, many hours of the afternoon was dedicated to just D. and I.

Thanksgiving Weekend

We had fun during Thanksgiving vacation.  We went to the Zoo but didn't see much and then headed to the Wild Animal Park the next day and enjoyed seeing various animals and a soft serve cone.  It was D.'s first time walking in the petting zoo and he went and gave each goat a head butt (kiss D. style) just as his sister did 6 years ago.  Head butts must be in our genetic double helix.

Thanksgiving Day went well - in the morning, I. and I baked pumpkin bread to take to Bubbi and Bobbi's house for breakfast while she was there for the long weekend and then made a side dish for Thanksgiving dinner.  Unfortunately V. was not feeling well at all and his back was killing him.  B. had to work so the girls couldn't make it down for the day, a first since V. and I have been together.  I made D. a full scale Thanksgiving plate with turkey, stuffing, green beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries and pumpkin pie and he ate all of it.  Unbelievable!

I. stayed at Bubbi and Bobbi's house for the weekend, enjoying both a Legoland and Zoo visit while D. enjoyed his only child status for the weekend.  V. and I. took him to a park one day, out for linner another day and enjoyed a date night as well.  I swear if D. had been our first we would have had a second kid soon thereafter - he's that easy.

UNTIL...this morning I dropped the pre-morning 8:45am feeding.  I've been dropping a feeding about once a month since he turned a year.  Actually not because I really want to which makes it worse.  But because I've read that weaning after 18 months is not good developmentally and because V. may score on a week long trip to Puerto Rico (really, it had to be Puerto Rico?) in February if he makes all of his annual financial goals which is a big deal.  So I've been feeling a little under the gun.  This morning I cut out (I hate the term "cut out") D.'s morning nap nursing (8:40am) figuring that he had just had a good size morning nursing at 6:45am, so maybe it wouldn't be a big deal.  Well, it was for both of us.  We took I. to school and instead of coming home and nestling in the chair for a nursing and then nap, I read 2 books to him, swaddled him, sang to him and then put him down to sleep.  He looked up at me with this shocked look but remained silent until after I left the room and he realized I was gone.  Then he cried. By then I was already crying because things felt so incomplete, so not right.  Thankfully he cried for a little while and then went to sleep.

However, after we went grocery shopping this morning and I fed him lunch, he melted down, crying inconsolably and getting so angry at the sippy cup that I had to hide it away.  I gave up on eating lunch and we just did things that put him physically against me, snuggling and playing.  When it was time for afternoon nap, he was wiped out and when I nursed him, his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell asleep.  For him, I think it's more of a sucking thing than an emotional thing.  I truly hope that tomorrow will go a little better.

Such Great Times But Then...

I feel like I've been recapturing summer vacation with D. these last couple of weeks.  Last Thursday we went to the zoo and then Friday we headed to the beach.  It was a great though exhausting time as this was our first foray to the beach with D. as a bonafide walker.  It went something like this:  D. running straight for the water, Me grabbing him before a wave knocked him over, Me carrying D. back up towards the sand, putting D. down.  D. making a U turn, running straight towards the horizon as fast as he could, Me grabbing D....well you get the idea.  Not what I would call relaxing but I didn't expect it to be.   There were moments of us playing in the sand and eating our lunch but aside from that it was all about running, monitoring the waves and grabbing D. before he got clobbered.  The squeals of joy and smiles on his face were proof enough of a good day.  Unfortunately with just myself on duty, I was not able to capture these images without risking D. getting more than a mouthful of ocean water.

Today it was still warm in our neck of the woods so I packed our car and we headed out to the coast, Mission Bay to be specific.  Perfect weather there - warm sun, cool breeze that gave D. goosebumps after awhile.  It was our maiden voyage of D. riding on my bike which takes some getting used to balance-wise; I mean 25 lbs. on the back of your bike takes some getting used to.  I got this bike seat when I. was older than D. and I didn't get to use it all that much.  I'm not sure exactly why though probably a combination of it was a little inconvenient to get the bike in the car, I. not completely happy being confined to the seat, and me being a little nervous about having my child on the back of a 2 wheeled bike.  Every time I saw that infant bike seat, I felt regret so when D. was born, I was determined to use it more this time around.

We had a great time.  D. loved riding around on the bike - his temperament is more laid back so he was pretty happy back there looking around and started singing after awhile.  When he did get bored, he started lifting my shirt up in back to let me know we were on borrowed time.  I packed a picnic lunch which we enjoyed, he chased some ducks and seagulls, made friends with some other 14 month olds and we called it a day...or rather time for a nap.

As I drove home, I was happy.  I was listening to music and to D. happily devouring "Goodnight Moon" in the backseat when I had a flash of an emotional memory.  Emotional memory being when your body is flooded with feel-good feelings where you remember exactly how you felt, where you were, what was happening.  I was at Ruth Chris' (Del Mar) bar sitting with Mark after work.  It had probably been a long battle filled day but I had found my refuge on a barstool next to Mark and we were talking and laughing and sometimes quietly sitting and digesting the day.  The thing about Mark is that I could just be and because he was my friend, not my boyfriend, my fiance, or spouse, he didn't feel the pressure to solve my problems.  He listened, offered his thoughts, and made me laugh.  When all else failed, he distracted me with a story.  The emotional memory was of warmth and soothing, like I was safe and had come home and above all, that I was not alone and content in the moment despite what was going on in the outside world.

My life is good and I am happy.  My marriage is very good and healthy.  My children are happy, thriving and healthy and I am able to enjoy them.  But when that emotional memory hit as I was driving home today, there  was a painful twinge and aching sadness.  I miss Mark and the relationship that we may have had laughing about our mutual sons.  I may have horrified him with my descriptions of D.'s testosterone surges as I call them just as I horrified him back in the day with what I labelled "got them by the ball sacks".  He didn't get to see me navigate with a son and I know we would have had fun conversing about it for many decades to come.

But concentrating on what is and trying to leave behind and just remember what might have been, I push on.

Post Boom

Friday night was a tough night for me.  The boom had been lowered in the afternoon and I expected little to no reaction from her.  Or if there was some reaction, I was hoping for her to be sad and perhaps a little bit of pleading that she wouldn't do it again or something along those lines.  Instead she walked over to the closet, opened up the doors to see empty bookshelves, told me I was rude (no big deal) and then said, "Oh here's a book that you forgot." in this snotty sing songy tone of voice.  Gotta love it.

That night I just had this sinking feeling that I'm losing her, already at age 6.  I talked to V. about it, my fears, frustrations, and had a good sob.  These constant problems are taking a toll on our relationship, at least on my side.  She's so Jekyll and Hyde that one minute she can be flipping out and fifteen minutes later, she's hugging on me.  For me, it's hard to let it go especially after 3 months of what feels like daily problems over the same stupid things.  By the end of the day, I just want her in bed NOW because I'm done, I've used all my patience for the day and if I don't get her in bed NOW, I'm risking losing my temper. Of course, when V. is here and I'm not juggling trying to keep D. out of trouble as I'm trying to get I.'s hair washed and books read to her, it's not a big deal and I don't feel that same sense of urgency, that I'm about to lose it.  This is why there is no way I could ever handle another child.

The weekend brought better behavior from I. and I thought she seemed more relaxed, affectionate, and happy.  Go figure!  This morning was the worst school morning we've had in over a year.  As usual, in her room she had gotten out 5 different games with millions of pieces along with a bunch of other stuff and then waited to start putting it away.  She kept coming downstairs to get a plastic bag for this and that and while I can admire the effort, I would tell her how much time was left until we left.  I guess she didn't really listen (big surprise there) because it came to the time when we needed to leave and not only was she not done, she wasn't fully dressed and hadn't eaten breakfast.  I didn't get mad about it since she's the one who was going to receive consequences from it (tardy slip).  Of course, she came downstairs and started blaming me for her lateness (I should have told her to clean up, I shouldn't have made her clean up etc.).  I handed her breakfast to eat in the car and got in the car to wait for her because she had forgotten her socks.  By the time we got to school everyone was already in the classrooms so we had to get a tardy slip for the first time for her to take to her teacher.  She asked what it was and I explained what it was and that it counted against the behavior grade.  We get to the closed door of her classroom and she starts saying she doesn't want to go to school, she's not going into her class until I finally had to open the door up, get her teacher's attention, have her come out and get I.  As long as I was there, I. was not going to get better so I left.

Now it's time to go get here and I'm hoping that her day got progressively better and that perhaps she will have learned her lesson not to take out a bazillion toys at once in her room.  We'll see.

Emotional Upheaval

D.'s last breastfeeding session was Thursday night at 10:30 and now it's Sunday night.  It's been rough for both he and I.  This is not weaning.  Weaning is a gradual process, one where hopefully both the child and the mother can gradually get used to stopping the nursing bond.  Going from 7 nursings a day to 0 nursings a day is not weaning.  Yes, I. did this exact same thing and it was horrible.  I was not prepared and it broke my heart but she moved on and never looked back which in some way made it a little easier to deal with.

D. is upset by it even though he is the one causing it.  Every morning he cries angrily for a long time when I come and get him.  He turns away from my breast but then screams at the top of his lungs, writhing, pinching, and clawing at me with this despondent sound that I've never heard from him but feel deep in my soul.  Because his cry out loud gives voice to exactly what my grieving soul feels.  He thrashes in my arms, fighting hard against me but I don't give up, I won't give up because I feel his pain, it's what I feel too.  And after I refuse to give up, holding him, protecting him from hurting himself, whispering to him, he finally relaxes against my chest but just continues sobbing quietly as I begin to sing to him.  It breaks my heart.  Beginning each day like this is beyond painful.  The rest of the day is better but he definitely wants to sit with me, be held by me more than usual and to be honest, that's fine with me because we could both use that right now.

I have begun new routines for nap times and bed time to help him adjust and they have seem to be working with him going down yesterday and today without fuss.  I've been offering nursing once at every usual time with him declining until tonight at bedtime.  Whenever I offer, he's been turning his head away and getting a little upset at my offering so tonight at bedtime I didn't offer and started going into our new routine.  He turned his head and looked at me like, "Where is it?" so I pulled up my shirt and offered it to him.  He leaned in and gave a couple of sucks and then let go and fussed so we moved back to our new reading routine.  Just in case, I will continue to pump until he gets over this cold but in my heart, I don't believe he's going to want to nurse again.

The additional hard part is that no one understands what I'm going through unless they've actually been through it.  Having a child subsist because of the milk your body naturally produces is amazing.  Then going from 7 nursings to 0 nursings is difficult.  Double pumping 5-6 times a day causes hormonal surges that make me feel tired and really emotional.  Just what I need at this point in time.  But I want to pump in case he does change his mind after he feels better.  Plus, I am mixing the milk with his food so he is still getting fluid and all its nutrients.  That's probably my biggest concern at this point - he refuses to drink any fluids via multiple types of cups, spoons etc. so any milk I can combine with foods is the only fluid he's getting and judging by his diapers, it's not enough.  The last thing we need is dehydration.

It's just a tough time around here and I"m hoping it gets better in some way soon.

Need To Catch A Break

Thanks to our visit to Chuck E. Cheese on Monday, D. came down with a cold starting on Wednesday night.  No big deal, I thought, since he's had plenty of colds throughout I.'s school year and they were always  mild and didn't affect his nursings or eating.

Not this time, he wouldn't nurse at all yesterday afternoon but did nurse at 10:30 last night so I felt hopeful for today.  This morning when I got him up and tried to nurse him, he took one suck and then became irate, pinching at me and clawing at my face.  Then he just cried inconsolably and it broke my heart.  The rest of the day he would just turn his face away at every nursing and cried himself to sleep at afternoon nap.  For bedtime, instead of nursing, I got 3 of his favorite books and we cuddled on my lap, reading and finishing up with me singing 2 songs to him.  It seemed to soothe him and give both of us some needed snuggle time and closeness because when I put him down in his crib, he was relaxed and fell asleep quickly.

My only concern is getting fluids in him especially considering that he won't drink out of a cup (or bottle for that matter).  I'll have to keep my eye on that and continue pumping and including the milk in his foods.  Unfortunately even though I have been pumping today, I have developed a painful blocked milk duct which will probably get worse overnight.  I will be praying that D. feels better tomorrow and soon will return to nursing.  I know that at 1 year old, weaning is a reality, one that I have always known was coming and for this reason, I've always tried to stop and take it all in, really drink in the experience as D. was drinking in my milk, and have been so thankful to have had this opportunity one more time.  Of course, it hasn't been easy.  From day one, I've had major nursing issues and they continue today.  But they say anything worthwhile is worth working at (or something like that) and it's so true.

That being said, am I okay with D. stopping nursing.  No, especially not with it being done so abruptly which is exactly what I. did.  It's not only physically painful, though more so this time, but it's also emotionally rough.  This time I'm better off emotionally at least so far because I think I've been preparing for it all along but it's still a huge change for us and sad for me and him too it seems.

Deep breaths, prayers, and hoping for wonderful things to come....

Compelled to Comment

Today a homegrown national sports star committed suicide.  He was just a year older than myself and as a high school star was in the sports page when I was in high school.  He was an inspiration, a man with charisma and a knack for leadership and most importantly a real talent for football.

I just reread that last sentence and just before I began erasing it, I stopped.  Maybe that was the problem.  Perhaps he also viewed his real talent for football as most important and now that he couldn't play any more, life was empty.

I don't know.  No one can ever know what happens within someone.

Today there is the comments of how selfish, how could he do this to his mother, his children?  It's all true and understandable.  I agree with all of it.

However, if you have ever been there, at that point, you get it and painfully relive that moment, those moments. Of complete hopelessness and desolation.  That things will not get better, no matter what you do.  And that everyone will be okay when you're gone because you're really not that important in the grand scheme of things, it turns out.

Until you've been there and felt those horrible emotions (there are few worse ones), just save your judgement, offer up a prayer for those left to deal with it, and pray for the soul that hopelessness overcame today.

Over So Fast

The title is a double entendre.  Today was I.'s last day of Easter vacation and D.'s 8 month birthday.  It's been such a great week and I. and I (and D.) have had such a great time.  Yesterday morning we had a good time coloring Easter eggs.  It's always fun to do things with I. but what is so great and memorable are the little conversations we have while doing them.  These moments lead to lots of hugs and "you're so fun Mommy" comments which I love.  Did I mention I love when I. says I"m so fun since I am also the heavy around the house?  After the Easter eggs, we met at a park for a playdate for I. and hung out there for a couple of hours while she played and had a good time.

Today was a play it by ear day and we ended up going for a walk on a trail in a canyon complete with a flowing creek and a 1800's settler's grave.  I mean come on, does it get any better than this?  Before our walk while D. was sleeping, I. and I spent time together and when I told her we were going on a nature walk, she thought I meant around our complex so she wasn't that impressed.  However, when she saw we were going someplace new and we were really exploring some cool things, she had the best time.  Again, the day ended with her telling me how fun I was.  Why am I getting suspicious that she seems surprised?!

Although we had such a good time today, I was aware that this would be our last vacation day together and it made me sad.  It was such a great week and full of wonderful, bonding times (that part didn't make me sad) but it just went so fast and next week will be back to school, schedules, and tiredness.    On top of it, the fact that D. is 8 months old today is mind boggling.  I cannot believe that we are quickly approaching his year birthday.  It's just going so fast and I feel like I'm still figuring out weekly new ways to enjoy things with him and soon he's going to be walking and running away from me.  During the day, I live in the moment and enjoy it all with him but when I go to bed, I realize just how fast it's all going and I get sad.

So I guess the bottom line of this post is that no matter how much fun I have with my kids during the day, at night I"m sad.

I'm such a freak.

The Difference Between the First and the Last

I never have been a momma who is constantly looking forward to the next stage of her babies/kids.  The week of I.'s first birthday, I was in tears.  Of course, it didn't help matters that she weaned herself that same week.  That being said, I do notice a slight difference in myself between when I was a first time momma and now when I know this is my last baby.

With I., I didn't want her to get older but I still was in mourning over the loss of my alone time, my personal space, my freedom - basically my former life as I knew it.  I still enjoyed I. immensely and each day brought new things that she could do, new ways that she could express herself and gave me a peek into the personality that was developing within her.  As she moved from the stage of constant breastfeeding and having to be carried to the solids and stroller stage, I got more breathing room and started to mourn less.

This time around, knowing that this is my last baby, I mourn but for opposite reasons.  I love our first morning breastfeeding session in the bed skin to skin and know I'll be lucky if it lasts for another 5 months.  I enjoy being able to carry him against me in the sling when we are grocery shopping or walking.  I am in no rush to put him in the shopping cart as he'll be in there soon enough and my sling days will be over.  So I sling him at every opportunity, relishing the warmth of his body, the softness of his hair against my lips as I kiss him, and the joy I feel when he leans back and two inches off my face, gazes in my eyes and gives a big gummy grin like "Oh, it IS you!"  Even going to the gym feels like I'm losing time with him, time that I won't get back.

While each stage does still bring additional joys, I'm consciously living in the moment.  Enjoying each moment I have with this little guy, knowing how quickly it all passes.  I'm also realizing that I. is almost done with kindergarten and next year, she'll be in full day school.  It just kills me because I feel like I won't see her at all.  Granted, some afternoons when she gets out of school she is pretty gnarly and hard to handle and a quieter afternoon would be nice.  However, I know from experience that I will be wishing for these afternoons back with I., remembering them with fondness and wistfulness.

I think sometimes it's hard for me to celebrate the joy of each moment without hurting over the "never again" part of it and I'm not sure why.

Emotional Hangover

Tired today.  Some of it is due to D. waking up at 4:50am, some of it is left over from last week.  A lot was going on.  Long story short, my mom had to go to the ER for a blood transfusion after losing so much blood due to female issues that she couldn't catch her breath, her heart was racing and she felt faint.  She waited far too long and could have died if she had waited much longer.  She was scheduled last week for a procedure that  should stop the bleeding permanently but after the doctor got in there, she didn't like what she saw, took a biopsy, and ended the procedure.  Last week was spent worrying that the biopsy would come back as cancerous and also dealing with the fact that regardless, my mom would have to have at the very least her uterus removed.

Thankfully the test came back negative and I was able to find some good information about the latest in hysterectomies, a robotic device that reduces recovery time and blood loss.  My mom was thankful for the info and this week will be calling to make an appointment to go to one of the doctors who performs it.  I'm going to try to attend just to help with asking questions.  Unfortunately, the other phone call my mom has to make is to the insurance company to find out how much they will cover.  Of course, with my dad being out of work for a year now, finances are a huge concern.  They are already worried about the bill coming for the ER visit and transfusion and now if they have to cover even a percentage of the surgery itself, it may be sizable.  My mom wants to put it off if possible until my dad gets a job which is not a good idea since if she starts bleeding badly, she'll be back in for a transfusion and forced to get the surgery.

V. and I are not rolling in the dough over here with two monthly child support payments and private tuition on one salary.  However, what is the health of my mom and having her around worth?  It's priceless of course.  So yesterday I brought up their thinking about the postponement of the surgery due to the money and asked V. what he thought about helping them take care of the bill.  Without blinking, he said, "How could we not?"  For all of his "backward" emotions at times, he is unfailingly generous and I love him for it.

Speaking of  "backward" emotions, I left out most of mine in this post.  Part of me is still emotionally spent from last week and I can't delve into those emotions deeply; my reserves just feel depleted still.  Suffice it to say that last week brought up memories and emotions that I hadn't felt since Mark - the fear, sadness, loss, the chaotic feeling of not being able to do anything and the frustration and anger that results from all of these things.  I was wiped out on Saturday and now today with too little sleep, it weighs down on me like an emotional hangover.

Upset Almost Beyond Words

I've started this post several times and still haven't found a good way. I'll just state the facts. I haven't seen my good friend T. since I was 7 months pregnant. We've been really close friends for almost 12 years. Besides Mark, he was my closest friend. In some ways he was my closest friend because I didn't feel like I needed to look out for him and protect him. He was at my hospital bedside during the really bad times and that was the only time I saw him shed a tear. Otherwise, he's a 6'4", 225 lb. cop - tough on the outside but a really nice guy on the inside. I texted him after I had D. to see if we could visit but he texted back that he was super busy and would get back to me. I left a voicemail 3 wks. ago and didn't hear back. I figured he was busy. But then last Friday I sent him a text of D. pics and didn't hear back from him, not even a comment. That's when I thought something wasn't right.

This morning while D. was asleep, I texted him "Are you okay? I'm just checking on you." He texted back awhile later to call him and since I was on my way to pick up I., I stuck the headset in and called him.

He tells me that his wife (they are both in their 40's) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Just like Mark, it's already stage 4 and has spread. They flew her up to SF to the best of care to start chemo and see if she can get into any trials. And as he's telling me his voice begins cracking with emotion and it just kills me. I had to pull over to the side of the road when he told me because it just hit me so hard. But I had to keep going to pick I. up on time so as I drive with D. in the back seat and my tired synapses trying to fire on all cylinders, I try to talk to him with sensitivity and without by accident saying insensitive things. I listened and just tried to encourage him. There was a sense of deja vu. On top of it, his stepfather (his dad died when T. was 12) was diagnosed a month ago with 2 types of cancer and things are grim for him too.

I can't write any more right now. It's just a swirl of deja vu and sadness. And it's the same kind of cancer as Mark - that makes it more upsetting. I'll pray for them during my nighttime feedings (that's what I do to stay awake) but right now I'm kind of pissed off with God. It just doesn't seem fair and although I know that God could heal her if He wanted, my cynical side from my experience with Mark makes me think that He won't. And she'll die and leave a young good husband and 3 boys here to suffer.

Kindergarten Eve

...sigh...

The night before Kindergarten Eve and all through the house, a momma is trying not to cry. I've packed her nutritious snack with love and with care, and included a handwritten note and a drawing of us to somehow insert myself into the middle of her first day.

I wonder if having D. will make it easier but somehow I don't think so. Even as a new mom of two and realizing that I don't love one more than the other, there is something about sending your first child off to school. It's a first for both of us. I. is so excited. Her reading continues to improve daily and she has her outfit picked out for her first day. I remember how excited I was the day before school and how every year I had my first day outfit picked out. I will try to concentrate on her excitement instead of my sense of loss at least until she goes into the classroom.

It'll be the new normal but I wonder how long it will take me to grieve over not having I. here with me in the morning on a daily basis. Of course, parts will be nice. Being able to hopefully take a nap in during D.'s morning nap or having a quiet house to myself while he naps will be nice. But I will greatly miss my baby girl with her big personality and vast amount of words peppering my morning.

...sigh...

A Different Kind of Easter

Usually Easter is a time of joy, not only for the reason of Easter, but also because in our family we've always had a fun Easter egg hunt at my parents' house. When I was a kid, before the siblings came along, it would be my parents, their best friends (a married couple), and me running around like nuts in their huge backyard looking for eggs. It was cutthroat and competitive and involved champagne for the adults which led to many hilarious going-ons during the hunt.

Then that couple moved away and the siblings came and my parents' priorities changed. There was still an egg hunt and it was still fun but there started to be more of a focus on material things which always seems to mar the fun of the simple things in life. Now in the past 10 years or so, the egg hunt, while fun during the hunt itself, is surrounded by stress namely my mother who is in charge of hiding the eggs. Unfortunately this stress surrounds every holiday at my parents' house and in order to enjoy the holiday events, I have to consciously focus on the happy moments and now that I. is around, I solely concentrate on her and the joy she experiences to block out the rest of it. It's really no wonder that when we get home from these holidays, I am emotionally and mentally exhausted with all the "focusing" that goes on just to make it through.

I know that today will be no different, in fact it's going to be much worse than normal. Because of risky investment choices, no job/income for months, and a refusal to make lifestyle changes to reduce expenses, my parents did not have enough money to hold Easter. I'm bringing the side dishes and my brother gave them money for the meat and Easter goodies and that's how we're having it. We don't mind, don't get me wrong, but it definitely casts a pall on the day especially considering that my dad is crying pretty much every day at this point. My brother and I are so angry at my sister because she is still living off my parents even though they have no money and unappreciatively too that it may result in a volatile situation today if she pulls any of her usual "it's all about me" shit. And I still haven't figured out a strategy for how I'm going to deal with her if she does. A big part of me thinks that it needs to be said - she needs to get a job and stop spending all her time at the gym (that my parents pay for) and on the internet (which my parents pay for). But I don't want to ruin Easter either....

Guess we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

Today

Today is Mark's birthday which brings back memories of past birthdays. He always would take the day off from work because he didn't want hoopla about his birthday. That night he would go over to his parents' house for a homemade German dinner and a cutthroat game of Risk, his favorite game. No one else liked that game but since it was his birthday, everyone acquiesced.

I remember one year, I took the day off as well which was unusual since we usually would make sure that one of us was at work to manage the department. But one year we both took the day off and went to Balboa Park for lunch and museum. I think that was the time we went and looked at a visiting exhibit on torture - the tools, history, and mechanics. It was just the sort of weird interest we both shared. I remember it was a beautiful, relaxing day and we enjoyed it, the day, the weather, and most of all, the company of a best friend.

Today, he's not here to enjoy his day but I am to think warmly about our unique friendship and the love and respect we had for one another. If it wasn't for him and his fight with cancer, I may not have found the courage and perspective to try for another child and would not be sitting here with a 2-inch baby nestled in my womb. I wish he knew and I wish he was still here. It's true you know what they say, the pain lessens over time but it never goes away. And at certain moments, on certain days, the pain is as sharp as ever. It may not last as long or completely overshadow a day like it used to, but it's just as raw, painful, and saddening as it ever was.

Happy Birthday my friend.

Tough Morning, Joyful Afternoon

Busy day today - wait a minute many days in the last few weeks have been busy days. I really feel like a hamster running on a wheel Tuesdays thru Thursdays. I think it's a function of extra appointments thanks to that accident over a month ago (how can that still be affecting my daily life, I don't know) and that those 3 days of the week are subdivided into 1.5 hour intervals. That gives the hamster on the wheel illusion.

Today is no different except that part of it is going to suck and part of it will be great. Let's start with the great. At I.'s school once a year, they have a restaurant day when all the classes have snack time together in a restaurant setting. They are seated, given a menu, and then a waitress comes to take their order. Their food is brought and then they pay with "money" before they leave. I volunteered for it last year and it was a lot of fun. Since my days of helping in her classroom will be limited for the next few years, I am jumping at volunteering in her class at least for all the holiday type of events (those are the most fun for me to see I. experiencing). So today I will be her waitress and I. is really excited about it. This morning when she was getting dressed, she ran up to me and through her arms around me and said, "You're going to be at my school all day today!" Does it get any better than that? Nope. So that's the good part from 12:30 to 3:00.

The not so good part is that when I drop I. off at her before school "science class" at 10:30, I will have our foster cat, Media, in the car with us, crying the whole time because this morning is when I have to take her back to Petco. I know she'll have a better chance at adoption if people see here and as luck would have it, there are very many other cats over there right now so maybe that'll help. But still, it breaks my heart because she's not going to understand that. All she's going to know is that she's been here for 2 months, getting love and attention and be able to run and play and now she'll be back in a small plastic enclosure. How depressing all the way around. Another volunteer is walking me through the process of returning cats to Petco so that'll take awhile meaning that as soon as I'm done at Petco, I'll have to race back to I.'s school. I'll have to pack something for my lunch, something that I can eat while driving. That sounds relaxing. Thank goodness that I have the positive, happy experience to enjoy after Petco or the afternoon would be swirling down the drain.

Birthday Sadness

Another quick week in our lives, a very quick and very hot week. It was close to 100 degrees here and I hated it. Fortunately, the weather is supposed to change tomorrow and drop between 25 and 30 degrees. Just in time for I.'s family birthday party tomorrow. Last night I wrapped I.'s gifts and it helped make me feel less sad about her 5th birthday. She is so excited about her birthday and by concentrating on that excitement and living it with her, I feel less pain.

I don't want to feel bad about it but it's hard. As luck would have it, a mom that I bonded with when our girls were babies who later had to move to Arizona, posted a picture of her daughter on FB and I made a comment. It prompted her to write me a message and we've exchanged messages for the last couple of days. It's been really comforting especially as we approach I.'s birthday because she completely gets it. We always have been on the same wavelength with parenting things and step-parenting frustrations so when she moved a few years ago, it was hard, really hard.

I told her how I was feeling about this 5th birthday and she said that she just started making invitations for her daughter's 5th birthday and burst out crying because she couldn't believe she was that old already. Like I said, she gets it and that makes me feel less freakish, less silly, and more importantly, less alone.

It's been hard to keep in touch, she had another kid, had to work full-time for a time, and is now a SAHM again happily. Maybe as our kids grow up and we have more time to ourselves (in theory), we can continue staying in touch because it really does help.